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Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:44:00 GMT

These scenes for your frantic Friday are not of the S&M or Basic Instinct or even Secretary variety (that's a whole 'nother list.) Sometimes, you've had a really epic and soul-crushing workweek and you don't have time to warm up.

As those recent and soon-to-be-disproved surveys say, there's no need for foreplay anymore...

5. The Life of David Gale. Was it just us or was this Kevin Spacey-Kate Winslet movie a triumph of wasting our complete fucking time? Nope, we weren't the only ones-- the movie hovers around a 20% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes-- oh, and Richard Roeper gave it thumbs up, so that's all the evidence we need. And, frankly, we don't even remember this sex scene being in the film, which has to stand for something.

4. True Blood. Hey, we didn't claim these were all from the movies anymore. Besides, this show is more softcore porn flick than any turgid rated-R crapburger we've sat through this year... so, once again... that's gotta count for something. And bonafide Academy Award-winning actress Anna Paquin is featured-- so... there's that.

3. The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981) - We include this scene because, in a rare move for misogynist Hollywood, a woman is seen to be "leading" and "directing" the sex. Note that Jessica Lange demands that Jack Nicholson wait until she clears the table, then orders him to get down to business. Furthermore, she doesn't enjoy being on the bottom, so Jack will just have to make do with her on top. That's more like it, Tinseltown.

2. Crash (1996) - You've probably seen the Rosanna Arquette-James Spader scene... and the Deborah Unger-Elias Koteas-while-James-Spader watches sex scenes. But unless you've seen Crash, the 1996 David Cronenberg film and not to be mistaken for that flaming piece of tripe from a few years ago, you probably didn't even know about the Holly Hunter-James Spader scene. My God, how was this NC-17 release not banned from theaters and burned by the conservative movement?

1. A History of Violence - We were hoping to find a frantic Hollywood sex scene that doesn't involve a man doing something violent to initiate sex, but gave up after several hours. (Just kidding-- you think we have that kind of time?) Seriously, please recommend a few movies where we can see women being portrayed as normal, sexual beings who can initiate sex without repercussions. In other words, no slasher films.

Honorable Mention: Love in the 21st Century

Sex Scene From The Show Love In The 21st Century

Also, we deliberately left out the Basic Instinct scene with Jeanne Tripplehorn because it's a borderline rape scene. So, for all of you who were about to write in to chide us for the oversight... "Ha! And you thought the ice pick death scene that opens the film would be here. This is somehow rougher... and Jeanne Tripplehorn is so much hotter than Sharon Stone, don't ya think? She has those incredible lips and an innocent Marilyn Monroe pout. We kind of wish she gets to do a movie where she leads the roughhousing and isn't sexually exploited like she is here. Okay?"

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Sex Crimes Prosecutor Charged With Twelve, Count 'Em, Twelve Sex Crimes

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:37:00 GMT

From the Hypocrite Files: Martinez, California prosecutor Michael Gressett with twelve sex offenses, ranging from forced oral copulation to rape, stemming from an incident that took place back in May.

But Gressett says the woman is making up the story in a vengeful attempt to ruin his career.

The counts are as follows:

(3) forced sexual penetration

(4) sodomy by force

(2) forcible rape

(1) false imprisonment

(1) forced oral copulation

(1) some undetermined threatening charge

The victim is basically accusing him of the male version of the Sharon Stone character from Basic Instinct, claiming he used an icepick (and handgun, just for the hell of it) to keep her from struggling. But she was already tied up, so why did he need both a handgun and an icepick?

Something stinks about this whole case, and it's not just the fact that she waited five months before going to the police, which often happens in cases of acquaintance rape. It's just too simple-- a sex crimes prosecutor commits as many sex crimes as are humanly possible in one afternoon and not only ties the woman up, but uses a gun and a sharp object to keep her from fighting back. Then he just lets her leave his house and no one hears about it for five months.

In other words, we wouldn't be surprised if the charges are true, but in this case, we wouldn't be surprised if this woman's story starts to come up apart immediately...

Via Mercury News.

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Was Jesus a Child of Rape?

Emily Farris — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:01:00 GMT

A Dutch filmmaker thinks Jesus was a child of rape, and wants to make a movie about it.

"Basic Instinct" director Paul Verhoeven will publish a revisionist biography of Jesus in September, following more than 20 years of research.

The Dutch filmmaker, who has had a lifelong ambition to make a film about Jesus based on scientific research, claims that Jesus' father was probably a Roman soldier who raped Mary during the Jewish uprising in Galilee. He also claims that Christ was not betrayed by Judas Iscariot.

First of all, we will totally pay $10 to see that movie.

Second, if it wasn't a soldier who raped Mary, even if the story happened like the Bible says, didn't God sort-of rape Mary in a way? It's not like she exactly consented. "Yes, God, you can totally bust your load in me and then not pay any child support."

Third, new t-shirt idea: "God is a Rapist." No? Too much? You think? Because if you'll buy it we'll go get the silk screening supplies. Right. Now.

[Reuters: Dutch filmmaker claims Jesus a child of rape]