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Top 5 Nude Beaches in North America

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 18:43:00 GMT

If you're gay or just want to see a bunch of naked men making out, tanning, splashing each other, or just plain frolicking in the sun, OutTraveler has the list for you.

And if you're a lady person and just want to let it all hang out among guys who probably won't take your picture and put it on NudeBeachCam.com or whatever, you'll want to know where the hot spots are...

Theirs is a Top 5 list, beginning with the only entry for an ocean beach in the continental United States: unfortunately, it's in Miami...

1. Haulover Beach, Miami. Apparently, this is the only nude beach in Flordia and arguably one of the country's finest of any kind. Pro: Lots of good looking people. Con: It's in Miami, for God's sake. Not only that, it's a mob scene virtually from the crack of dawn to after the cops toss everyone off the beach.

2. Hippie Hollow, Austin. We were surprised to learn there was a nude beach in Austin and even more surprised to learn that Texas police haven't raided it with rubber bullets yet. Pro: "Over a hundred swimming holes, a gay-adored beach, and impressive climbing crags beckon from the star of Texas." Con: "The gay section is about 15 minutes walk to the left from the parking lot." Then again, that kind of distance between you and the rest of the local bathers could be a "pro."

3. Hanlan’s Point, Toronto. We don't often think "nude beach" and "Canada" go together, but this entry convinces us. Pro: The fifteen-minute ferry to the beach has an amazing view of the city and, at 6.50CA, is the only thing you'll have to spend money on to get to the sand. Also, water quality is monitored constantly and is usually excellent. Con: You have to wait for it to get hot enough. In Canada.

4. Little Beach, Makena, Maui, Hawaii. Up a trail in the hills of Maui, this island hideaway has one major catch: it's illegal to go naked anywhere in public in Hawaii. Pro: Bragging rights about going naked in Maui-- is there anything that can make your Facebook friends more jealous than to read that status update? Con: Having your hands cuffed behind your back when you're naked-- and not getting any S&M out of it.

5. Wreck Beach, Vancouver. Man, who knew there were so many opportunities to take your clothes off in Canadia Land? Pro: "Naked vendors ply the beach offering water, beer, sandwiches, and a surprising array of narcotics. Ask any student how to get to the access paths that lead down to the water." Better yet, ask a student while you're naked doing a snort of coke off your boyfriend's umbrella tip. Con: Absolutely nothing that we can think of...

By the way, if you're over in the UK, you should know that the country's oldest nude beach will close after this summer, thanks to coastal erosion (i.e. global warming.)

Via OutTraveler.

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Nude Sunbathing Under Attack Worldwide

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:49:00 GMT

You would think that, given the state of the world economy, people would become more willing to relax their stubborn attitudes on issues more likely to stimulate the economy, from marijuana to gay marriage to nude sunbathing.

But not in this case. From North Carolina in the United States to Perth in Australia, nudity is under attack by male Puritans-- and yes, they are almost always males...

First, in Bird Island, North Carolina, a man with a wife and children complained to authorities about having had to "endure" topless sunbathers. Those authorities responded immediately and issued a press release reminding everyone that they can't let their wangs flap in the breeze... or something.

Brunswick County officials say they will come up with a sign banning nudity on the beach. County commissioners say Bird Island is not a registered nude beach and that full exposure is against state law. [News 14]

Ah. Notice they said "full exposure is against state law"-- is North Carolina one of those crazy left-wing states that supports the right of women to show their nipples? Try it some time, dear readers, and let us know how that goes.

Meanwhile, in Australia, a recent survey found that 33% of the country is against topless sunbathing. And here we thought Australia was more open minded. Even those who thought they should be "tolerated" were kind of whiny about it:

...anti-nudists [said] they "didn’t want to see it all hang out". totaltravel.com global marketing manager Paul Fisher said the survey showed that Australians are tolerant of nudity.

However, he said a number of respondents who agreed to have more nudist beaches in Australia called for appropriate signage.

“While a leading proportion of voters agreed that a little bit of flesh never hurt anyone, a few did comment that if more nude beaches were introduced there would have to be appropriate signage to alert families or children to what kind of beach it was,” Mr Fisher said.
“Some also called for nude beaches to be secluded and away from beaches where families congregated." [News.com.au]

C'mon, people, we can do better than that...

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Unemployed? How About Applying For the Best Job in the World?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 15:16:00 GMT

If we told you that there was a job that involved feeding fish, looking hot on a beach, and shooting the breeze on a casual and entirely trivial blog, and that the job was available and pays a hundred grand for a mere six months of "work," and that job was on the Islands of the Great Barrier Reef, how many rival applicants would you personally bump off to have a better chance of landing it?

Seriously, though, this job is even more awesome than getting paid $10,000 a week to post nipple slips...

Between NPR coverage, Weird News stories, and the website's constantly-crashing home page, we were able to cull a top ten list of reasons to apply for the temporary position:

1) It pays $100,000 a year.

2-10) Holy Christ-- a $100,000 to lounge about in a bathing suit! That's better than having a sugar mama/daddy...

That's no exaggeration-- your job would be to show potential tourists how freakin' awesome the Great Barrier Reef is and to lure travelers from all over the world via your lavish and ridiculously enjoyable lifestyle. Of course, the fine print here isn't the fact that you are a 24/7 spokesperson/model for an island, it's the insanely fierce competition to even be noticed for an interview in the first place...

"I guess we expected there'd be a certain percentage of nutters and nudies,"

A woman in Greece promises - via a scroll of words across the screen - to wash all of Australia's laundry and even clean up up after the kangaroos.

Another video shows a woman standing on a street belting out an original song. Some applicants simply stare at the camera and beg.

On Thursday, a team of 10 people - whom, Hayes noted, were starting to look "pretty nervous" - were sifting through the 2,000 video applications the department had already received, with tens of thousands more expected before the Feb. 22 deadline. [Weird News]

Still want to wade into this (cess?)pool? Click here to read more about the position and to apply... assuming the site hasn't crashed again from all the desperate jobseekers...

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Top 5 Sex Scenes Set in the Great Outdoors

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 21:55:00 GMT

After a holiday hiatus, our regular feature returns. This week's list is wishful thinking-- we probably couldn't get away with outdoor sex in today's 36-degree New York weather... you'll have to let us know how your reenactments go in warmer climes...

5. U-Turn. Honestly, we didn't even remember that Jennifer Lopez was in this movie before finding this clip. Still haunting our memories, however, are those extreme closeups of Billy Bob Thornton's teeth.

Jennifer Lopez Outdoor Sex Scene

4. The Hot Spot. This tender nude scene was featured on our Jennifer Connelly list way back when. Hey, if you want to complain about seeing Jennifer Connelly naked again, we can't really help you.

Jennifer Connelly - The Hot Spot

3. Three. We would've had to field serious complaints if we didn't include this raunchy, sexual assault-turned cheeseball sex scene from some straight-to-DVD Kelly Brook vehicle. You'd be amazed how many fans this actress has...

Beach Sex

2. Fast Times At Ridgemont High. The two sex scenes with Jennifer Jason Leigh in this movie take place outdoors (one, in a semi-private changing room; the other, a baseball dugout), but they're clearly overshadowed by this sex-free fantasy sequence that would be our #1... if... only... she would touch someone... anyone...

Phoebe Cates-Fast Times At Ridgemont High

1. Domino. We're pretty sure it doesn't happen like this in the original cut of the movie (or any official cut, for that matter), but the homemade repeition is an addition we're thankful for.

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"Dad, Guess Who Lost Their Virginity Last Night?"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:53:00 GMT

This eighteen-year-old girl made the mistake we've all had nightmares about: IMing"Dad" when we meant to tell "Darcy..."

Elisabeth Frisinger was on a class trip with all her high school chums from Cleveland, Ohio when she decided to jump on IM.

Lizzy: "OMG! Just had 1st time on beach! Gr8! Wish u were here!"

Jesus Christ, woman, you write texts worse than I IM and you're old enough to lose your virginity? No wonder Dad, whom you accidentally messaged instead of your friend Darcy, is pissed:

We would be convinced of this item's fakery if it weren't for the fact that her classmates took pictures of her misery (which we won't subject you to) and leaked the story in the first place, which Frisinger has yet to deny. And all she had to do was say, "Dad, I meant-- it was my first time checking out the beach on this trip." In this instance, her braindead use of English would've helped her.

Poor thing-- guess this is why you don't add your fuckin' parents to you buddy list-- use the telephone, that way you don't make mistakes like these! Duh.

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Top 10 Places To Have Sex... This Week

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Although the list on Playboy concentrates on the Top 10 Places To Have Sex Before You Die, we gotta say, "Why are you spreading these out over the rest of your life? You should do all ten of these this week."

Besides that, the Playboy list is kind of lame, with many obvious choices (and it begged the obvious #11 and #12 additions on Digg: "In the ass" and "in the boobeez.") We came up with our own list, which is based on experience...

10. On a kitchen table-- anybody remember Bull Durham? What about the scene in Fatal Attraction on the counter? You know why we remember these? Because they were fuckin' hot.

9. In a car... a moving car... that you're driving-- while we don't encourage this kind of behavior, it has apparently worked for several of our readers. And Charlie Sheen.

8. In a limo-- roll up that screen... unless you get off on the chauffer watching in the rearview mirror.

7. In the subway-- there's always a chance the train is going to stop in the next station and a top of up-all-night tourists are going to step into your previously deserted car. But that shouldn't stop anyone from having a quickie!

6. In an abandoned house-- not like a crack house or anything. (Although we're not against sex anywhere.) Do you have a kind of ghost town, such as the Salton Sea, near you? Drive out to a rundown motel and find a bizarre place to have sex-- a bizarre room to have sex in, that is, funny guy.

5. In the jacuzzi-- just don't let the other bed and breakfast guests catch you. Remember: it's hot when you do it, gross when someone else does it.

4. On the floor-- this would be obvious, except when there's a bed nearby, 99.9999% of the time, couples will choose the bed. Hey, live a little...

3. At a stadium event-- if you're at a Miley Cyrus concert, there are going to be so many teenagers getting it on, you won't even be given a second glance.

And, ah, what the hell... two we agree with from Playboy's list:

2. On the beach-- although if you haven't already done this, this should be your next one to try out: you have one more weekend of summer left, after all...

1. At the mile high club-- just make sure Ralph Fiennes isn't already lurking in the loo and this should be a good time.

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Apparently, A Naked Woman Is Automatically Lewd And/Or Erotic Now

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 14:32:00 GMT

Do you consider this obscene? Not the pictures specifically, but the Venus sculpture itself, which had been situated at Woorim Beach on Bribie Island in Queensland, Australia...

Well, the Mayor thought so, overruling his own City Council, which put it there. His quotes and the local reaction, simultaneously hilarious and sad after all we've been through as a single human race...

Mayor Allan Sutherland ordered the sculpture, representing the "birth of Venus", be removed from its popular Woorim Beach, only two weeks after it was included at a public opening of the revamped beachside area.
"The sculpture is offensive to women. We have to take it back to whoever made it and ask that it be changed," said Cr Sutherland. "It's offensive in an area where there's lots of kids and families."

Oh, Allan! Our hero! cry the feminist females of Queensland. Thank you for consulting with us and hearing our overwhelming reaction to this dreadful, offensive, disgusting (because, remember, vagina = disgusting) work of "art." And judging by the pictures, you were totally spot on about families and the kiddies being freaked.

Beenleigh artist Antone Bruinsma, who created the sculpture, said he was "extremely disappointed" that the artwork was removed from Woorim Beach to a council yard, and said he had not been contacted by the council about changing the sculpture.

He said it was an important portrayal of a woman's body.

"I don't have a problem with children seeing a depiction of a woman's vagina, it's not done in a lewd or an erotic way," he said.

Typical man! Of course he loves seeing vagina... especially seeing vagina that he's made with his own hands, groping and tweaking it. Perv!

Seriously, let's leave it to mothers of three to start their children out right by informing them that vaginas are bad and we should be ashamed for possessing them:

Mother-of-three Terri Johnson, 35, from Morayfield, said the sculpture should be in an art gallery where there would be a more appropriate audience.

"It's not appropriate here, it's not the right spot for it, with young families, where you have to explain everything and kids start asking questions," she said.

God forbid they should think their bodies are natural, Terri. Godspeed.

Via News.com.au.

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Does the Nude Beach Have Wireless Internet?

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 18:54:00 GMT

Hey, New Yorkers. Did you know about the nude beach on the Jersey shore?

The New York Times calls Gunnison Beach one of the greatest kept secrets in the New York Metro area, and we have to agree. Who knew there was a nude beach so close to the city?

Round-trip tickets cost $43, and the trips are becoming so popular that weekend boats carrying up to 400 sometimes “max out,” and a later weekday homebound departure has just been added, said Heather Irvin, a SeaStreak spokeswoman.

The half-mile beach regularly attracts 5,000 sunbathers on a weekend, making it the most populous nude beach in the country, according to Friends of Gunnison, a group that self-polices the beach and runs charity events.

A yellow school bus providing free shuttle service is waiting at the ferry dock for the three-minute ride to the beach. Some of the day’s passengers disperse to “clothed areas” all along Sandy Hook. But Ms. Hu and Ms. Rosen, Mr. Thomas, Mike and Monica and others head for Gunnison, trudging past cautionary signs.

“Warning: Nude Bathers May Be Present on the Beach.”

And farther on, “Beyond This Point You Will Encounter Nude Sunbathers.”

Okay, but does it have wireless Internet? Because that could easily serve as our new office.

[NYT: Ferrying From Manhattan to Bare It All on the Beach]

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