Scanner : beyonce

PapSmeared: Beyonce's Adventures in Vagina Sitting

Emily Farris — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:31:00 GMT

Rumormongering: Rihanna Gave Chris Brown Herpes

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 19:55:00 GMT

The drama surrounding Chris Brown and Rihanna continues. Amid reports that the on-again, off-again couple is taking a much-needed break, we hear that Brown had a "reason" to beat the hell out of his girlfriend—bitch gave him herpes! Or so says a "source close to Brown." A reason to break up with someone? Sure. Beat that person up? Hell no. Of course, tthe story gets better. Because if Rihanna gave Brown The Herp, who gave it to her?

Why, none other than Jay-Z!

This story is, of course, getting more ridiculous by the day. Next thing you know Beyonce and Rihanna are going to come forward with their lesbian love affair and Brown is going to turn up preggers on the Oprah show.

[The Inquisitr: Rihanna gave Chris Brown Herpes?]

Related:

Rumormongering: Rihanna May Not Have Been the Only One Chris Brown Beat Up

This Whole Chris Brown and Rihanna Story Is Getting Sicker By The Day

Sloppy Seconds: What Will Rihanna Say to Chris Brown?

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

[Image, Image]

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 15:18:00 GMT

When the inaugural ceremonies kicked off on Sunday, HBO was there to document the whole thing, live. We saw Bruce and Pete Seeger, Beyonce and Bono, a bunch of Hollywood celebrities and even Joe Biden's million-dollar smile.

We saw everything, that is, except the one thing we really, really wanted to see...

This speech by the Right Reverend Gene V. Robinson. The Right Rev. of New Hampshire, according to his Wikipedia page, "is best-known for being the first openly gay, non-celibate priest to be ordained a bishop in a major Christian denomination believing in the historic episcopate." He is a member of the Episcopal Church of the United States and Obama's choosing him to lead Sunday's opening invocation was overshadowed by his pick of Rick Warren, the anti-gay crusader, to kick off the inauguration itself.

Here is the speech that HBO cut off, for reasons that are still unclear. It's really worth an entire post by itself.

Welcome to Washington! The fun is about to begin, but first, please
join me in pausing for a moment, to ask God's blessing upon our nation
and our next president.

O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…

Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist
on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are
beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily
from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.

Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against
refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian,
bisexual and transgender people.

Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic "answers" we've
preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about
ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise
to the challenges of the future.

Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us
will be "fixed" anytime soon, and the understanding that our new
president is a human being, not a messiah.

Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must
always be balanced with those of the world.

Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a
genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an
understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.

Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every
religion's God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in
the human community, whether across town or across the world.

And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the
office of President of the United States.

Related:

The Human Herp: Ken Starr Returns To Defend Marriage Against People Who Want It

Did Obama Sell Out The Gays?

While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

This Week in Gayness: Being Gay Is A Choice, Say Repuglicans

Reflections on the Obama Inauguration Celebration Concert

Colleen Kane — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 18:55:00 GMT

I am still dabbing away tears from the We Are One Inaugural Celebration Concert with the feeling that, if world peace and unity has not been achieved simply because Barack Obama got elected, then it will surely be locked down in the next month or two. Yesss! (Obvs that isn't realistic...it'll probaby be more like three or four months.)

Some observations:

--Stevie Wonder got rather chunky. Although the go-to mental image I have of him is really Eddie Murphy playing him back in the 80s.

--I have a crush on Mary J Blige. She always looks so glamorous!

--Garth Brooks singing "Shout"? Mortifying.

--And what were those guys doing with the eagles?

But the best guy of the show?

Pete Seeger is adorable.

Related:

Bust Out the Blue Panties and Curl Your Hairs: We're Having Our Picture Taken with Obama on Inauguration Day

Did Obama Sell Out The Gays?

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

Golden Globes Worst Dressed: WTF Was Up With The Hair?

Ina Maier — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 15:19:00 GMT

Now, best dressed is fun and all, but it's time to get down to business. Who looked bad, who looked worse, and who looked positively fugly, comin' right up!

(More interested in the Best Dressed List? You can find it here.)

Beyonce, too low in all the wrong places, too high in all the others. We love you, we love Single Ladies, but this is too much.

Why so serious, Jennifer Carpenter? You're the star of a hit show, you just got married to your ~~brother~~ boyfriend, and you've got a pretty rockin' bod. Cheer up. (Apologies if the Joker joke was in poor taste. Speaking of which: congrats, Heath!)

So, here's the thing with Drew. The dress is alright, pretty even. But the hair. What on earth is up with the hair?

Glenn Close will always kinda creep us out (she'll be forever remembered as the bunny boiler) but normally her style of dress is no harm, no foul. And then there's this: the mismatched jacket, the awkward stance, the hair (again with the hair!) and the godforsaken ugly pants. (See Also: Susan Sarando, "Pants: Ur Doin It Rite")

To be fair, this isn't that bad. We like the color, and Hayden looks pretty. But there's something too old about the dress, and something far too constricting about the top. It just doesn't look comfortable. And lord knows, we're not on board with not comfortable.

Ack! Christina Hedricks, what happened? We love you for Mad Men, we love you for your body, and we love you for the fact that you were once upon a time our sister's roomate. But honestly? This? The dress ain't great, the bag is just weird, and once again: what. the fuck. is up with the hair??

Alright. Miley, listen up. You wouldn't be here if you weren't a) totally annoying and b) doing a totally embarassing and totally mediocre job of ripping off Giselle Bundchen's 2005 Oscar look. Sucks to be you, and what's done is done, but you've learned this lesson the hard way. Do not try to go where the world's hottest woman has gone before.

Renee Zelwegger wins, hands down, worst dressed of the evening. The see-through top, the strange sleeves, but mostly, it's the hair. We're already scarred, but can't go through this alone. So yeah, here's a close up:

PS. As always, these best / worst list are most likely (in your opinion) glaringly incomplete. So don't be afraid, don't hold back, let it rip in the comments. We're desperately curious to see your thoughts, too.

Here Comes the Bridesmaid, All Dressed in Shiny Poly-Blends

Pammy Forgot to Wear Pants

Today in Golden Globes: More Info On Something We Probably Won't Watch

Golden Globe Nominees We'd Like to Make Out With: Most of Them

Cutest Thing Ever? Or Yet Another Sign America Is Going Down The (You)Tubes?

Ina Maier — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 21:14:00 GMT

Let's face it: Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" may or may not be the song of the decade. We all wanna dance to it, we all wish we looked as good in a leotard, and we all can't get the damn song out of our heads. Enter little Arianna, the small child of an indeterminate age who's got Beyonce's Single Ladies dance routine down pat.

So, what do you think? Is Arianna the cutest thing ever? Or is she a walking warning sign for the dangers of over-zealous parents pimping out their children on YouTube for child-porn and pedophiles?

Related:

Hey, Don't Accidentally Make Kiddie Porn!

Capucine, The Girl Who Made Our Ovaries Explode

Boy Sees Lobsters For The First Time, Women Everywhere Spontaneously Conceive

Creepy Online Predators Learning From Perverted Teens

Best Naked Music Video of the Year

Scanner Matt — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:48:00 GMT

This is one of our favorite music videos of 2008. David Byrne never ceases to amaze us. If it wasn't for MTV the world could have been so much cooler. It's your fault too.

Pitchfork, this century's authority on music, has released a whopping 2008 list featuring the top 40 videos of the year. Yeah, that already-boring Beyonce one did make the cut, but that's the very least of this batch.

The BPA [ft. David Byrne & Dizzee Rascal]: "Toe Jam" [Keith Schofield]

Related:

Political Video of the Year: Obama Music Video

Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

VIDEO Handful of Akon on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live'

Caption This: If Beyonce Were a Boy

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 20:49:00 GMT

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 22:19:00 GMT

After male superhero movie after male superhero movie after male superhero movie, Wonder Woman is finally going to the big screen—except not. It's going straight to DVD. And it's animated. [Jezebel]

Britney Spears equates her life to a jail sentence. [People]

Is Nicole Kidman going to be the next star to quit the biz? Yawn. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson Wentz are still waiting for that baby to pop out. [MTV]

Courtney Love would like you to know she's not suicidal after a crazy death rant on her MySpace blog. [Us]

Why Beyonce Was In No Hurry to Marry Jay-Z

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:03:00 GMT

We may not like her new single, "If I Were a Boy," but we do like the way Beyonce thinks about love and marriage. She married her rapper beau Jay-Z last April, but it was a long time coming... and for all the right reasons.

In a recent interview with Seventeen, Beyonce said she met Jay-Z when she was 18, started dating him at 19, but waited until her late twenties to marry him because...

"I really don’t believe that you will love the same thing when you’re 20 as you do at 30," Beyonce, now 27, told the magazine. "So that was my rule: Before the age of 25, I would never get married... I feel like you have to get to know yourself, know what you want, spend some time by yourself and be proud of who you are before you can share that with someone else."

Now, if she could just apply that same reasoning to pop songs, the world would be a much better place.

[Us: Beyonce: I Was in No Rush to Marry Jay-Z]

Related:

It's About Damn Time The World Had a Black Wonder Woman

Caption This: Euro Beyonce

Breaking News: Beyonce Is Now White

While You Were Sleeping: Beyonce Is One Sexy Cop

Because "Beyoncé" Is Just so Commonplace Nowadays

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 18:09:00 GMT

Because every diva needs a diva title, Beyoncé has gone ahead and released a statement announcing her new name -- a stage name, if you will.

According to the B:

“I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work and when I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created that kind of protects me and who I really am.”

So who is this protector and alter ego? It's all in the title of Beyoncé's new album:

With the release of I am....Sasha Fierce, we learn that Beyoncé is....Sasha Fierce.

“Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage.”

As Mariah is to Mimi and Jennifer is to J.Lo, the Queen B is to the Sasha Fierceness. We get it, but somehow we doubt this one's going to catch on.

[via Dlisted]

Allow Us to Introduce Scanner Nicole's Partner in The Dance

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 19:06:00 GMT

As any of you who saw Scanner Nicole dance herself on and off a table this weekend can confirm, she and the graceful nymph in this video graduated from the same dance academy with honors. (Seriously, this is exactly how I dance, but usually I'm holding a tall boy of Budweiser.)

Jennifer Hudson Looking Hot on Her New Album Cover

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:27:00 GMT

Dear Arista Records,

While we know you did some Photoshopping, thank you for not whittling Jennifer Hudson away to nothing on the cover of her new self-titled album.

That is all.

Sincerely,

Scanner Emily

[Yahoo!]

Related:

More Fun With Photoshop: McCain-Palin Beauties

Photoshop Me One More Time

Sarah "Pitbull With Lipstick" Palin Photoshop Contest

Breaking News: Beyonce Is Now White

Ina Maier — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 14:02:00 GMT

Beyonce is looking mysteriously light in her current L'Oreal Feria ad campaign...

The African-American singer, whose natural tones can be seen in the photo 9above left), signed a multi-million dollar 5-year-contract with the cosmetics giant with the understanding that she would consult the company before making any "radical" changes to her appearance. Looks like that understanding only went one way (above right).

While Beyonce's spokesperson refused to comment, L'Oreal claims, "It is categorically untrue that L'Oreal Paris altered Ms Knowles' features or skin tone in the campaign." Um, sorry L'Oreal, but we seriously beg to fucking differ.

[via Daily Mail, Photo via TheImproper]

Sloppy Seconds: OJ's Next Career Move

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 21:21:00 GMT

This is definitely the largest naturally occuring penis we've ever seen. Ever. [YesButNoButYes]

Penis theft in Congo is way beyond our level of comprehension. [Reuters]

There will be no Gay May Day in Moscow. [Queerty]

Julia Roberts doesn't wear deodorant. Big woop. Neither do we. Except down there. [Truemors]

Just in case you weren't sure, the Beyonce and Jay-Z marriage is officially, 100% confirmed. We think. [FameCrawler]

O.J. Simpson really, really, really wants to be on The Apprentice. Donald, if you don't let him on, he'll cut you. [MollyGood]

While You Were Sleeping: Bruce Springsteen Endorsed Somebody, And it Wasn't McCain

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:49:00 GMT

Apparently Beyonce is planning to retire. Yeah, like Jay- Z retired all those times? We don't buy it. [GabbyBabble]

Don't want to be all hunch-backed when you get old? Stand up straight. Or try this crazy ergonomic undershirt. [Gizmodo]

If Ashlee Simpson has a baby bump, this is the first ever picture of it. Like, first. Ever. That or she just had a burger and fries, which we can totally get behind. [FameCrawler]

Now that you mention it, yeah, why are most bodyguards black? [StereoHyped]

We knew it: Rachael Ray is a Repubican. [Radar]

Bruce Springsteen, however, is not. He endorsed Obama. We're pleased, but not really surprised. [Yahoo!]

Sloppy Seconds: Father-Daughter Love Child

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 21:28:00 GMT

And you thought dry humping Jennifer Garner at the Oscars was the craziest thing Gary Busey's ever done?

Check out this interview with Busey from a recent issue of Maxim, which pokes lots of fun at the weirdo actor's drug history, including the time he did coke off his dog's ass. This Sloppy Seconds gonna write itself, wethinks.

Jay and Beyonce got married on Friday. Or was it Saturday? Are they even an item? No one knows for sure. We gotta say, more power to the both of them for not letting the slimeballs at Us Weekly get anything out of this.

Freakiest story of the day: "A man who received a heart transplant 12 years ago and later married the donor's widow died the same way the donor did, authorities said: of a self-inflicted gunshot wound." (MSNBC)

Would someone please confirm that Tom Waits is, in fact, going on tour this summer? This iVoice Chat with a very drunk "Tom Waits," while hilarious, doesn't actually come from reputable sources.

It's official: Mexico has re-conquered the Southwest US. Maybe they'll burn down the Absolut distribution center on their march North, just for this insultingly stupid ad.

And an incestuous relationship between a father and daughter in Australia has produced, gag, a child. (Isn't Mom a little worried that her convicted armed-robber lover/father is perhaps already after the nine-month-old for his next conquest?) Normally, we'd make a joke about this being a great reality show for E!'s midseason replacement lineup, but we don't want to give them any ideas.

Dad/Husband: "Of course I knew it was illegal but, you know, so what."

Mrs. Deaves said the physical relationship with her father was like "a sexual relationship with any other man". For Mr. Deaves the sexual relationship was "absolutely fantastic".

There are so many things we could say here, but instead: JTUASIMM, which means "just threw up a SHITLOAD in my mouth."

Via News.au.com.

Sloppy Seconds: Hannah Montana is Super Excited for Jamie Lynn Spears, Gary Coleman's Secret Wedding and Beyonce vs. Aretha

Emily Farris — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Hannah Montana, or Miley Cyrus, or Miley Ray Cyrus, or whatever the hell her name is, is "proud" of pregnant teenager Jamie Lynn Spears and her ever-expanding womb.

Apparently rents in New York are so high that people are reverting to selling their children into sex slavery.

Gary Coleman has been secretly married for months. She's half his age and twice his size. OK, not really twice his size, but how could we not? She really is about half his age, though.

Beyonce referred to Tina Turner as "the queen" at the Grammys. This did not go over well with Aretha Franklin.

Is The New York Times a little too excited about T. Rex sex?

The Onion lists the worst band names of 2007. Uh, Sex Rat? Butt Stomach? Really? We think Steve Holt would be an awesome band name, though. Thoughts?