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B-List British Celebrities Finally Realizing Fake Boobs Won't Help Anything

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 16:31:00 GMT

The Sun and The Daily Mail are competing today, as always, over who has the better stor(ies) about Grade-Z reality show stars with breast implants.

One thing everyone seems to agree on is that the tide has turned against gigantic boobs on the isle across the pond...

We reported earlier on B-list model Kerry Katona having her implants removed for a charitable eBay auction. Now comes the story of Chantelle Houghton, a former contestant on Celebrity Big Brother (why she was considered a celebrity before the show, we're not entirely sure), broke out from the show when she underwent a makeover, divorce, and boob job all in a row. Now, she says, maybe that wasn't the world's greatest plan:

'They're just too big. Now I just want to hide them. I thought I wanted to go up to that size and I loved them at the time, but now I wish I'd never had them done.'
'I'm very bad at making decisions and I just change my mind really quickly, so I do regret it now. Looking back, I did it for the attention. I realise it was a cry for help.'
She now visits a physio twice a week for back pain caused by the heavy implants.
She has said: 'They're taking over my life.'

Meanwhile, singer Michelle Heaton skipped the boob job, but kept the makeover and divorce, and is now the darling of all British tabloids. Could this headlining story today-- which was about a simple photo shoot spoofing Cindy Crawford's recent Allure spread-- be a sign of things to come for Britain?

The former Liberty X singer - ever the publicity-lover - slipped into a midriff-baring cut-out swimsuit and energetically tore up a loaf of white bread in an effort to recreate the supermodel's latest photoshoot which appeared in Allure magazine last month.
Michelle is apparently enjoying a new burst of confidence after losing two stone on a strict no-carb diet and is eager to show off the results.

Before you get all excited that Britain is now into healthy body images, check out this ad series from fake-boobed Lucy Pinder. These have been playing again recently and are still sweeping the nation...

Via the Daily Mail: here and here.

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Mini-Me Makes Up For Size With Stamina In Bed

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:22:00 GMT

Memo to the ladies: never marry a man who has sex with you ten times a day-- it can only lead to disappointment.

In an interview with News of the World, Verne Troyer's ex-wife, incredibly hot Playboy playmate Genevieve Gallen pays her rent for a few months with an unrestrained (and unnecessarily TMI-filled) rant about her former lover. Gallen, who was dumped just a few months after her wedding to the Austin Powers star and featured contestant on the upcoming Celebrity Big Brother (UK), reveals more than you ever wanted to know about the B-list actor:

“We had to be creative—but because of my yoga experience I could get into the right positions to make it work. And I was soon head over heels in love with Verne.
“We could have sex up to 10 times in a single day. We’d do it for 45 minutes and he would just keep on going as I had orgasm after orgasm.
“He was a sex addict. He was then only the second man I’d ever slept with. He told me he’d had huge numbers of girls.”

Only the second man she'd ever slept with? A 30-year-old Playboy bunny barely not a virgin? For some reason, we're not sure we buy that, but whatever, moving along:

“I would dress up in my sexiest lingerie every day and try all sorts of role-play games. Sometimes I dressed as a prostitute, other times a cheerleader—and even a schoolgirl. I once put on a dark wig, some sexy lingerie and put on a Russian accent so he would think I was a high class call girl.
“There was no doubt in my mind he was the man for me.”

Based on what? The sex? After all, that's all she seems to use as a qualifier.

“I was nervous but determined we would do it that night. I had even researched what condoms to use for a little man... We made love three times that night. For me it was emotionally satisfying... But I was surprised when I saw him naked for the first time that night—I had expected him to be better endowed. But Verne’s body is proportional all over, so he was smaller than I expected.”

However, it went downhill in a hurry:

"...he was so drunk he passed out wearing his socks and boxers. At the end of the day, I think he was more in love with alcohol than he was with me.
"I heard he was in hospital and when I got there he was lying in bed covered in vomit and diarrhea...
He demanded an annulment, claiming he would only land a part on an American reality show if he was still single.

Ouch! Did Troyer really believe getting married made any difference to his career-- as if the women of the America would stop lining up by the millions if the read the news on the front page of their tabloids. Poor Genevieve...

Via News of the World.

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Everyone Will Get Laid This Year

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 16:30:00 GMT

If we told all our readers that they are going to get laid this year, we'd be right nine times out of ten. However, since we're not trusted authorities on sex or anything, perhaps you would prefer a more trusted source of completely irrational predictions.

The Futurist magazine, published by the World Future Society, which "investigates how social, economic and technological developments are shaping the future," claims that 2009 is the year we will all be having lots of hot action...

According to the Futurists (and excerpts from their magazine published by News.com.au), one of the predictions for the year is:

"Americans may turn away from antidepressants."

According to the anthropologist who made this call, the 100-million antidepressant prescriptions Americans take "kill the sex drive" but many may quit taking them, one surmises, so they can participate in the general randiness of women having more economic power.

...based on no evidence whatsoever. Yeah, knowing how bad the economy is going, we seriously doubt Americans will choose 2009 as the year to give up taking prescription drugs (although, since they're all out of work, they may not be able to afford "luxury" purchase like pharmaceuticals.) Other psychic moments:

"Everything you say and do may be recorded."

Creepy, unless you think about the fact that you Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, blog, text, and e-mail everyone all day-- in which case, you realize you are your own Big Brother.

"Retirees will increasingly return to the work force."
"Flying cars may be on the way at last."
"Increases in the Earth's temperature, no matter how slight, could trigger global mayhem and destruction."

The Amazon rain forest would become a desert, the glaciers would disappear and, "conflict over scarce resources would most likely cause human civilisation to collapse".

Enjoy our time on Earth while it lasts, you sex fiends!

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Celebrate Banned Books By Buying Everything On This List

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 19:52:00 GMT

We forgot to remind you that it's Banned Books Week here on Earth... as opposed to on Mars, where some of these anti-First Amendment types like your future VP (the rumored basis for Voldemort in the oft-banned Harry Potter series) apparently hail from.

Here's a list of banned books, plus events promoting authors rights in your area...

1984

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Alice in Wonderland

Anne Frank: The Diary of A Young Girl

Beloved

Brave New World

The Bible

Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee

The Call of the Wild

Canterbury Tales

Catcher in the Rye

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

The Clan of the Cave Bear

The Color Purple

...pissed yet? We're not even through the C's... and, after all, this is a very abbreviated list...

If you want to express your concern, here's a taste of events going on all over the country. Find an event near you on this page.

San Francisco Center for the Book (ongoing)
Banned & Recovered: Artists Respond to Censorship

Black-Eyed Sally's in Hartford, CT (tonight)
An ACLU event "dedicated to appreciating the music of artists who refuse to let authorities dictate their freedom of expression."

Little Shop of Stories in Decatur, GA (was Saturday)

Wine and Cheese Party with readings from favorite banned books

The Nyack Library in Nyack, NY (October 4th at 2pm)

High school students will read from banned books. Additionally, we will have a Banned Books display for the whole week.

For more events, click here.

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John Hodgman Has Great Taste In Women

Big Brother Has Boobs and Our Attention

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 20:03:00 GMT

We have never seen an episode of Big Brother. We just kind of let that whole thing pass us by. We read the gossip sites and realize that Big Brother cast members are sometimes in the news, but honestly we don't really understand what the show is about and we suspect it's whinier and more annoying that most reality TV, which, as you know, is whiny and annoy by definition.

But in our neglect we didn't realize there were boobs on Big Brother. We kind of understood that there were Big Brothers in other countries, but didn't think that less stringent censorship guidelines would equal boobs.

Oh, shame, shame on us because there are totally boobs on Big Brother.

Just imagine magine our total confusion and shock upon finding this video of Jasmin from German Big Brother taking a bath. With no top. And very little water, actually. Nope not a lot of anything besides Jasmin very lovely German "big brothers."

Is this what happens on the show?? We had no idea. Apparently Showtime 2 has some sort of Big Brother After Dark program where we can only assume people take baths and show their gentles. Who knew??

Hot or Not: Jodie Marsh's Boobs?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:07:00 GMT

Lest we forget that Britain has its own terrible reality show (stars) that never cross the Atlantic, this is Jodie Marsh of the UK's Celebrity Big Brother. (We'll trade anyone on America's Next Top Model for any of yours, guys, at least so we can have a change of pace.)

She is the subject of much debate, mainly because she presents the usual annoying paradox in the sense that, much like the boy whose father is killed in a car crash but can't be operated on because the surgeon is his mother, Jodie Marsh is a person with gigantic bosoms who we'd normally enjoy having sex with except she is totally repulsive^.

So, your Hot or Not work assignment for today (you know, rather than actually doing work) is not just about Jodie Marsh's boobs. It's about whether Jodie Marsh herself is hot or whether or not a) fake boobs mean she's automatically not, b) boobs this fake mean she's automatically not, or c) being this annoying means she's still not automatically not hot. Confused? Never mind, just let us know if she's hot or not.

Marry Me Jodie Marsh was launched with the teaser "I'm getting married this September... Only problem is that I don't have a man!". Men were invited to submit an application for a series of open auditions for the chance to marry Marsh that September. MTV filmed the search and subsequent wedding.^[7]

The reality series featuring Marsh entitled Totally Jodie Marsh: Who'll Take Her Up the Aisle?, premiered in July of 2007 documenting Marsh's search to find a husband.^[8]Marsh eventually chose Matt Peacock, an ex-boyfriend of fellow glamour model Jordan.^[9]

[Except...] In the final episode of the show, MTV executives confronted Marsh and Matt Peacock with taped footage of Peacock's audition claiming he and Marsh had been dating for months and living together for three months, contrary to the show's claims. "I'm not hiding the fact I did the TV show for money. Of course I did". ^[14]
On Friday 13 January, Marsh was first to be voted out of the Big Brother house — with 8 out of 10 possible nominations (the highest ever margin)... She cried during her post-eviction interview with Davina McCall describing the experience as "horrific" and her housemates as "vile jealous bullies".^[5]

Um. We'll pass, thanks.

Via the Superficial.

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^it's ridiculous that we have to say this, but... "we're kidding..."

Creepy Online Predators Learning From Perverted Teens

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 13:31:00 GMT

It seems child porn lovers have learned a new trick from the teenage nude picture message craze.

New York prosecutors say a man posing online as a teenage boy induced underage girls to send him nude pictures of themselves and one girl's 9-year-old sister and threatened to show the images to one girl's parents if she didn't send him more.
Philip Hawthorne was awaiting arraignment Thursday on charges including use of a child in a sexual performance. Queens prosecutors say they don't know if he has a lawyer.
Prosecutors say the 27-year-old propositioned two girls ages 13 and 14 over the last eight months.
They say he moved from his mother's house in Queens to his father's in Norwich, Conn., in May after investigators started asking questions. He was arrested July 2 in Norwich.
Hawthorne's mother won't comment. His father has no listed telephone number.

Looks like Mama's Boy upset Mama, Mama kicked his ass out... and maybe should've cooperated with investigators before another couple of kids got hurt. But that's American parenting for you (of course, if you're a parent, I'm sure you're not allowing your grown sons to molest children or anything like that... right?)

By the way, this whole "using a child in a sexual performance" thing? Does that mean if a pervert even thinks about a child to get off, they are guilty of a crime? Okay, we're not serious, but that wording sounds a little too Big Brother to us.

Via the News-Times.

Sloppy Seconds: Jolie And Aniston Face Off

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Perez Hilton claims to have a nonexistent sex life. Perhaps he needs to change his name to something catchier, like a symbol or The Blogger or P. Hilty. Seriously, anything's better than naming yourself after Paris Hilton.

Howard Stern and his girlfriend, possibly the least jealous woman in the world, have set a date. Amazingly, his first marriage spanned decades.

Fark reports on the recent dismissal of a bathroom stall case that should have Larry Craig shuffling for joy... the case has been partially dismissed.

A recent episode of UK's Big Brother sparked hundreds of viewer complaints. Unfortunately, none of them are because the show sucks.

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are "pitted" against each other for the first time when their movies premiere this October. Not to be outdone, Gwyneth Paltrow plans to make an asinine remark in an interview that day.

And why are we just finding out about the Jenna Fischer nude "Wire" cover, months after the fact? We have an e-mail tipline, people!

Sloppy Seconds: Name That Lohan

Emily Farris — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 22:07:00 GMT

14-year-old Ali Lohan wants to be famous just like her big sister, Lindsay. Maybe she should wait until her breasts fully develop.

Note to "Big Brother" contestants: it's probably best not to call kids with autism "retards" while you're being recorded. Or at all.

The Olsen twins are going to write a book about fashion. We're guessing it will be ghost written. And we're totally available for the right price.

Ultra-conservative commentator/columnist William F. Buckley kicked the bucket today.

Pamela Anderson is seeking an annulment of her marriage to hubby of two months, Rick Salomon, based on "fraud."