Scanner : birthday

Jessica Lange Makes 60 Sexy

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:31:00 GMT

If your fifties are fabulous, what are your sixties? "Sexy" seems like an inappropriate term to use when describing the lives of people collecting social security and just wanting to take it easy. But actress Jessica Lange, who turns 60 today, isn't taking it easy and certainly doesn't need an social security. She's still an in-demand film actress, still with the equally good-looking Sam Shepherd, and probably hasn't even had any plastic surgery, despite what the rumor mill may think.

Hopefully, this retrospective look at her work will help us to understand how she's still smokin' in her seventh decade...

1) King Kong - 1976. The film was a blockbuster remake of the 1930s horror classic, complete with Lange in an outfit that George Lucas would steal for Carrie Fisher to wear in Return of the Jedi... or something. Anyway, why, if the film was a smash hit, did Lange not appear on screen again until 1979's All That Jazz? The damn critics, that's why. They gave her such a drubbing that she lost her self-confidence and had to be dragged back into it by Bob Fosse...

2) All That Jazz - 1979. She plays the Angel of Death in one of our favorite over-the-top pieces of excess from the most over-the-top and excessive decade on record. If you haven't seen it, stop reading this now and go rent it.

3) The Postman Always Rings Twice - 1981. The beginning of her career resurgence can be pinpointed sometime around the moment Jack Nicholson takes her over a table in David Mamet's nearly-forgotten noir classic.

4) Tootsie - 1982. She's absolutely adorable in this, for which she won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Another great rental, add it now.

5) Sweet Dreams, Frances, Music Box - 1982-1989. She goes on to take smaller films that really allow her to stretch out and play unusual and interesting characters, and the Academy loves her for it.

6) Blue Sky - 1994. This Tommy Lee Jones film was going to be shelved forever until word circulated that Lange's performance would win her an Oscar for Best Actress. For once, the rumor mill was correct.

7) Rob Roy, A Streetcar Named Desire, A Thousand Acres, Big Fish, Broken Flowers, Grey Gardens, and more - 1995-now. More Golden Globe nominations, 27 years as Sam's better half (they've never married), and staying strong after breaking her shoulder and collarbone and dislocating her arm last month in Duluth, Minnesota. We hope to see her back again, 100%, in whatever weird and kooky role Hollywood comes up with for a stunning and, yes, sexy sixty-year-old leading lady...

Ben & Eileen Dover Try Out New Porn Names

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:20:00 GMT

Starting at about a minute in, we counted 12 sex pun names plus the mayonnaise joke to make it a Baker's Dozen of "How the hell did these people get away with this?" fun. Let's us know if we missed a few.

"Hey Louu... Briccant! Hope your party goes smooth?" "Craven Moorehead... it's been a long way for me." How did the news anchor miss those?

See, anybody can prank a dumb morning show with punny names, but to include more innuendo in the dedication and get away with it...? Congrats!

Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Bearded Man of the Week: Kris Kristofferson

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Over the next few days, two of your Scanner bloggers will be seeing Kris Kristofferson play solo acoustic concerts. Most people wouldn't even know it if country music's greatest living songwriter passed through their towns, but we never miss him. The author of "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down," "Me and Bobby McGee," "Help Me Make It Through the Night," and many other classics is no showman-- and his voice ain't much these days, either. But few have written songs this good before or since, and that's worth the price of admission alone.

Now, for the first time in ages, Kris is making headlines across the country, thanks to a controversial Rolling Stone article by Ethan Hawke. The anecdote that begins the story is the best music tale we've ever heard... and one you won't want to miss.

Oh yeah... and did we mention lots of beard photos after the jump?

In the new Rolling Stone, Ethan Hawke recites a story that involves hanging with Kris backstage at Willie Nelson's 70th birthday several years ago. While everyone waited in the wings to go on, Toby Keith (he's not named, but it's been confirmed elsewhere) walks by and says, "Hey Kris, none of that left shit out there tonight." We wish we had the full article in front of us (it's not online) so we could recite every word, but here's what we could pick up from press releases and other excerpts:

At that moment in time, the Star had a monster radio hit about bombing America's enemies back into the Stone Age...
[After Kris said something like, "What did you just say to me?" and stepped to Keith, Willie muttered something about not getting Kris riled up.] Then Kris, an Army vet during the 60's, got in Keith's face and asked, "Have you ever killed another man? Huh? Have you ever taken another man's life and then cashed the check your country gave you for doing it? No, you have not, so shut the fuck up."
Mr. Keith replied, "What?" and Kristofferson said, "Don't what me, boy! You heard the question. You just don't like the answer. I asked, 'Have you ever served your country?' The answer is, 'No, you have not.'"
And then, right there in front of Ray Charles and Norah Jones and Willie Nelson and a bunch of others, Kristofferson told Toby Keith... "You don't know what the fuck you are talking about!"
[Willie, of course, was trying not to laugh. At the end, he told Hawke-- this is not a direct quote-- "Waylon Jennings always used to say, 'Those kind of people did for country music what pantyhose did for finger-fucking.'"
Side note: according to Walyon's son Shooter, his Dad used to say that about one person specifically: Garth Brooks.]

Excerpts via the Tennessean, Rolling Stone, and other sources.

Meanwhile, Toby Keith and Kris Kristofferson both denied the story, with Keith claiming he never even met Kris that night. The media are having a field day with this one, thanks to there being no other entertainment news out there right now.

Related:

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Beard vs Beard: Rick Rubin and Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Justin Vernon

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Sloppy Seconds: 'Saved by the Bell' Reunion

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 23:02:00 GMT

We would like to preface these very sloppy seconds by telling you we think these things are true. But you know how media outlets like to play April Fool's jokes. Ugh.

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has been voted off of "Dancing with the Stars." [Yahoo!]

Chris Brown has an entire women's basketball team to beat up. [Us]

Mariah Carey celebrated her 40th birthday with husband Nick Cannon. In other news Mariah Carey is 40! [People]

Kim Kardashian is taking legal action against the porno "Keeping Up With the KardASSians." [FadedYouth]

Jimmy Fallon planned to reunite the entire cast of "Saved by the Bell" (yes!) but failed (noooo!). [Vulture]

PapSmeared: CoCo, Another Year Older and Another Year ______

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:41:00 GMT

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: The Most Amazing 9-1-1 Call Ever (AUDIO)

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 00:50:00 GMT

Hey, geeks (or people like us?): it's National Grammar Day. [National Grammar Day]

We were totally pissed we missed this last year and we're actually considering entering this time. It's the third annual Peeps Diorama Contest! [Washington Post]

Barbie got a tramp stamp! [Jossip]

Justin Timberlake and his lady love Jessica Biel will celebrate her birthday with... George Bush? [Us]

Mariska Hargitay has been hospitalized—again!—for a collapsed lung. [Yahoo!]

Evan Rachel Wood topped VenusZine's list of 25 Under 25. Also on the list: Adele, Zoe Kravitz. [VenusZine]

We know Scanner Brian mentioned this in While You Were Sleeping, but it's so good we wanted to make sure you heard it (plus, we have the audio): a woman in Florida called 9-1-1 after a McDonald's employee told her the chain had run out of chicken McNuggets. Apparently, she had already paid and wanted her money back instead of some other food. Is it bad that this woman is sort-of our hero and that we also really want chicken McNuggets right now? [The Inquisitr]

Someone Should Really Name This Johnny Cash Week...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 20:41:00 GMT

Two of the most memorable moments in the life of Johnny Cash occurred during the last week of February, one in 1969 and the other in 1932.

Can you guess what they are?

1) Today would've been Cash's 77th birthday. Happy birthday, old soul, wherever you are.

2) On February 24th, 1969, Johnny performed at San Quentin Prison in California, a concert that resulted in his second successful live album in a row and his biggest hit single of all-time, A Boy Named Sue, a novelty song by Shel Silverstein. Inmates were treated to songs by Carl Perkins, the Statler Brothers, the Carter Family, and Johnny, who played with a revolving cast of musicians from those groups, including wife June Carter. He debuted a new song, "San Quentin," which went over so well, he immediately played it again. (Some have speculated that the rapturous reception was "added" to the recording, since the inmates had remained unwilling to support a song attacking the possibly vindictive guards, but then why would Cash play it a second time right away?)

About halfway through the show, Johnny tried out "A Boy Named Sue" on the inmates, who are seen in this video lapping it up, guffawing all the way. Now that's a captive audience.

The song would hit #1 on the country and #2 on the pop charts. Miss you, big guy.

Top 10 Cover Songs of All-Time

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Musicians I'd Like To Finance: Great 2008 CDs By Older Women

It's Friday, And There's Just Too Much Good Stuff To Squeeze It All In

While You Were Sleeping: Bad Choice by SNL

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 14:33:00 GMT

Ellen Barkin may do an HBO series that will serve as her revenge plot against her asshole ex-husband.

A boy opened a large birthday present and discovered his Dad, home from Iraq, inside.

Morrissey, Amy Winehouse, My Bloody Valentine, Leonard Cohen, the Cure, and Paul McCartney are the headliners for Coachella. (David Bowie said no.)

You can thank Joe Biden for pushing Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State.

Blago got "fucking impeached."

Alaska is about to be wiped out by a giant volcano. Or something.

We can't imagine she's a strong comedian: Caroline Kennedy may be heading to SNL.

And Mike White, writer/co-star of the School of Rock and other films, will join his very interesting Dad on The Amazing Race. This might actually be worth watching now...

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Sends Topless Pic To Wrong Guy

Scanner Highs and Lows: Friday Night Lit

How Low Can You Go, Wino (and Us)?

Blake Fielder-Civil Sends Amy Winehouse A Pic Of His Dick

The End of Masturbaking?

Colleen Kane — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 17:33:00 GMT

Another victim of the economy bites the dust: the New York Press' blog reported that the East Village Cajun eatery Old Devil Moon has closed its doors. This is bad news not just for fans of their Cajun-style food, but for fans of cupcakes shaped like boobs, and let's not forget cakes shaped like penises: Masturbakers was headquartered in the ODM premises as well.

What is to become of the city's best-known purveyor of penis pastries?

The Masturbakers website is down and the New York Press reports they're on hiatus as they look for a new location, but if anyone's having an emergency for which the only solution is a weiner cake*, email masturbakers@hotmail.com.

* Scanner Colleen is just sayin' that "tit's" her birthday today. (Tit really 'tis.)

Scanner Highs and Lows: Can You Say Boobies? No? How About Boobs?

Boobpedia: The Encyclopedia of Big Boobs

Big Brother Has Boobs and Our Attention

Happy Belated Birthday to Porn Star Ginger Lynn

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 22:29:00 GMT

You may not believe this absolutely true story about having 69 on our 18th birthday with porn star Ginger Lynn, but we'll tell it to you anyway...

Ginger Lynn, who turned 46 on Sunday, performed at a strip club in Connecticut on my 18th birthday and brought meup onstage to perform fifty pushups from the 69 position, with my face planted securely in her crotch. The entire audience counted each pushup out loud, just to make sure I knew they were there, leering. Then she gave me her wet T-shirt, which I subsequently lost.

As Ginger tells us to this day, "I'm so glad I can say I took your virginity on your eighteen birthday." Little does she know...

Happy birthday, Miss Lynn... keep on truckin', much as you did in this classic Metallica video:

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Sloppy Seconds: The Curious Case of 130,000 Missing Breasts

Emily Farris — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 22:47:00 GMT

Sometimes headlines really do just write themselves: "Indiantown man accused of assaulting girlfriend with hot sweet potato pie." [Sun Sentinel]

Patrick Swayze says that contrary to news reports he's winning the fight against pancreatic cancer. To those who reported otherwise, we say nobody puts Patrick's pancreas in a corner! [Yahoo!]

Happy Britney Spears Day! Not only is she the most Googled person for four years running, it's her 27th birthday. Looks like she made it... [MollyGood]

Soulja Boy has gone on record saying that "Supermanning a Ho" is not something that one can actually do. We know better. [Vulture]

Is giving him money and electing him not enough? Barack Obama is never going to stop asking us for money, is he? At least if we do it now, we get a snazzy scarf. [Barack Obama]

OMG! Chuck and Vanessa were totes caught kissing at the Dallas airport. Sorry, that's Gossip Girl talk. [Us]

Brad Pitt says he'll let his kids decide whether or not he and Agelina Jolie should get married. Srsly? (Sorry, more Gossip Girl talk). [People]

The Australian men's magazine Ralph planned an inflatable-breast giveaway promotion with their January issue, but the shipment of 130,000 boobs was lost at sea! [YBNBY]

Happy Early 65th Birthday, Joni Mitchell

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 18:34:00 GMT

This is a great day for the peace movement that flowered (pun intended) in the 1960s. One person who must be thrilled at the prospect of an Obama presidency is the great Canadian singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell, one of our personal heroes, whose birthday is on Friday but is for some reason is celebrated in a story in today's Wall Street Journal.

Joni Mitchell fun facts, because they're easier to write than a full-on biography:

1) The CSNY cover of "Woodstock" was one of the biggest songs of the 1970s, with massive airplay throughout the early part of the decade, despite only reaching #11 on the charts. Camille Paglia wrote that the Mitchell-penned tune is "possibly the most popular and influential poem composed in English since Sylvia Plath's 'Daddy'."

2) The Clintons named Chelsea after the Joni Mitchell song "Chelsea Morning," which isn't all that memorable otherwise.

3) That Counting Crows song that tortured you for years about "paradise" and "parking lots?" That's "Big Yellow Taxi," see below.

4) "The Circle Game," which helped put her on the map, was inspired by Neil Young's "Sugar Mountain."

5) "Sex sells everything and sex kills," she sang in 1994. We have to disagree with at least part of that.

Here's a special playlist which we selected just for those of you who don't know what the hell we're talking about:

You Turn Me On I'm A Radio

Cactus Tree

The Circle Game

All I Want (Live LP Version)

Woodstock (Live LP Version)

Big Yellow Taxi

The album to get is Blue, which is one of the ten best English-language records ever, no question. All you'll need is a bottle of wine and a record player and you won't ever require anything else again...

Here's a story about Joni featuring an interview with David Crosby in today's WSJ.

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Happy Birthday: Woman Busted With 16 Grams In Her Vagina

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:52:00 GMT

You're no longer a teenager-- in fact, you've just turned 20 that very day. How do you celebrate your newfound maturity?

If you happen to be a certain woman from Maine, you drive to Massachusetts, score 16 grams of coke, stuff it all in her vagina, then drive back home with a wanted criminal who doesn't even know how to spell the word "Jonathan."

We're serious about the name thing:

Sans was stopped Oct. 25 at 6 p.m. for driving 69 miles per hour on a 45-mile-per-hour stretch of Interstate 95, and when asked by Trooper Chris Storm to identify himself, he said his name was Jonathan Brackett, state police prosecutor Diane Dubay testified in the District Court Monday. When asked to spell the name, Sans spelled Jonathan, “Jothan,” said Dubay.

With Sans was birthday girl Alicia Kelly, who gave up the dope while she was being booked. Why did Alicia confess to having dope when she wasn't even charged with any crime beforehand? Dumbass Sans again, for no reason at all, gave them up:

Dubay testified that after Sans was read his Miranda rights, he told the trooper he was paid $100 to drive a couple to Massachusetts specifically to buy cocaine.

We look forward to more incompetence from these kooks in 2047, when they'll likely all be paroled...

Via Seacoast Online.

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Woman Has Stillborn Baby After Putting Drugs In Her Vagina

Mom Gets Five Years In Prison For Going Down On Her Daughter's Friend

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While You Were Sleeping: Will Smith's Milestone

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 13:22:00 GMT

Poor Natalie Portman. She moved from New York to LA to be with Devendra Banhart, only to see the relationship fall apart.

Check out the full clip of John McCain turning Letterman down yesterday to "rush back to Washington"... and ending up on another CBS show.

We thought about not telling you about this one...

A man who woke up from a circumcision procedure to discover his penis had been cut off is suing doctors.
Philip Seaton went to be circumcised at a hospital in Louisville, Kentucky last October, but awoke to find his penis had been amputated.
He also said he has lost the enjoyment of life, according to the lawsuit.

Some of our readers don't enjoy the comedy of Wanda Sykes. They obviously didn't see her on Leno the other night.

Philadelphia exploded a suspicious package... of hot dogs.

The serial killer who bumped off approximately 23 people, many of them gay men, in the parishes of southern Louisiana was sentenced to eight consecutive life terms.

Can you believe that Will Smith turns 40 today?

And Jenna Jameson is pregnant with twins. And no, the father is not some random co-star, okay?

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Sloppy Seconds: You, Like Us, May Think This Picture of O.J. Simpson in a Courtroom is from the 90's, It is Not

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:33:00 GMT

A bottled-water company in New York is now selling bottled water called Tap'dNY. And it's actually tap water from New York—which is actually great. [Tap'dNY]

Britney Spears will release her new album Circus on December 2, her 27th birthday. [MTV]

Jennifer Hudson is engaged to David Otunga, most famous for competing for New York's affections on the reality show I Love New York 2. Good luck with that, kids. [Stereohyped]

Eva Longoria Parker is not pregnant, "she's just fat," her co-stars say. We think that if she were really "just fat" they wouldn't be throwing the term "fat" around so easily, even if it is just for a role. But really, we don't care that much. [People]

Sarah Palin thought Tina Fey's impression of her was "quite funny" especially because Palin once dressed up as Fey for Halloween. [CBS]

Welcome to the nineties. O.J. Simpson is on trial yet again. But this time there will be no black gloves.. or so we imagine. [Yahoo!]

Haaaaaaappy Birthdaaay Michael Jaaaaaaackson! Happy Birthday To You.

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 14:58:00 GMT

Oh Michael you made it to another birthday and not just any birthday, but the big 50! Congrats, buddy. You are Thriller, you are Bad, and you've had some crappy plastic surgery and a few unpleasant legal battles, but here you are today...50. Wow. It seems like just yesterday you were a little boy just rocking that microphone.

UPDATE: Today, fans around the world celebrated the half century of MJ by naming "Thriller" his greatest song. Disagree?

Sloppy Seconds: Impeachments Imminent

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:29:00 GMT

56 government employees in Miami-Dade County were arrested for their alleged links to an Oxy-Contin ring.

We keep waiting for an explanation for this few-days-old story, but since none has been forthcoming: A man was arrested for exposing himself to his neighbors. When police came in through his front door, they found him committing some sort of sexual act "with a claw hammer, plastic bag and motor oil." What?

Gawker revisited some classic (and far from classic) Playgirl covers.

Know anyone with a birthday tonight? Get them the Horse's Ass cake, just because you're such good friends.

One of the Dixie Chicks got divorced.

A teen conspired with a buddy to, we're assuming, assassinate George W. Bush at Camp David. He even had the motorcade route copied down. It's a miracle ~~we don't have a "President Cheney"~~ he didn't get to execute his nefarious plan.

In other Bush news, the House seems closer than ever to actually considering impeaching Bush. Which means nothing will happen, of course.

In other impeachment news, the President of Pakistan is much closer to being ousted: the country's ruling coalition agreed to begin removal proceedings against him.

And Condi Rice is apparently ignoring her daily memos from the RNC: she said the country would do fine against terrorisms even with an Obama presidency.

The Amy Winehouse Comeback Begins...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 15:10:00 GMT

Following her triumphant return to live performance on Friday night at the Nelson Mandela 90th Birthday Concert, trouble and also success followed Amy Winehouse to Glastonbury...

You can see footage of an alleged punch Amy threw at a fan during Saturday's Glastonbury Festival, via the BBC's website, but it doesn't appear to be a big deal. And although the singer appears dazed and drugged-out (as usual), she reportedly made it through the performance without any major collapses.

Organizers seemed happy, although not all fans were thrilled with her crack-and-cigarettes-tainted voice. In any case, this marks two completed gigs in a row, neither of which included any meltdowns or irrelevant cursing of police, fans, or authorities. And again, this punch that the media is talking about appears to be a push against what was probably a rowdy fan.

Anyway, who cares? Blake is being released, according to Amy, in two weeks, so this is just the first of many high points to come. Meanwhile, check out her uncut performance from Friday night.

Via MTV News and BBC News.

You Look Like a Monkey, And You Smell Like One, Too!

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 15:35:00 GMT

Just joking. You smell great. Happy Birthday, Brian Fairbanks.

And, hey, did you know you share a birthday with Laurie Metcalf?

And if You Threw a Party, Invited Everyone You Knew...

Emily Farris — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 20:37:00 GMT

Why we weren't invited to Britney Spears' 26th birthday party Saturday night we'll never know. Perhaps our invitation was lost in the mail? But we were going to give her some shampoo, all wrapped up pretty with a big bow. And a hug, because she really looks like she needed a hug (and that shampoo) right about then. Maybe she lost the will to shower or pose because ex-hubby Kevin Federline didn't show. From Page Six:

Cloaked in a white fur-lined coat and black minidress, the lonely mother of two was partying with Alli Sims and sometime frenemy Paris [Hilton] at the Scandinavian Mansion of Style in Los Angeles, Calif., on Saturday night before contacting Kevin. "She got annoyed when Kevin reminded her that one of them needed to be a parent and take care of the boys," added the insider. "Then she hung up on him. Kevin said she was drinking."