Scanner : blame the economy

Showgirls 2: Shoegirls

Colleen Kane — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 15:15:00 GMT

Apparently in Akron, Ohio there is a classy gentleman's club called Club 1245 that does not discriminate based on age. They recently hired a stripper in her fabulous fifties, and when she showed up for her first day of work, things went horribly wrong.

The new hire was feeling the effects of the recession and took on this new job. But when she entered the basement dressing room for her first shift, police say she was attacked by another stripper. The attacker, a black woman in her late 40s, allegedly struck the victim in the face with a stiletto heel repeatedly.

Lt. Rick Edwards said the other strippers saw the new one as competition, and said they didn't need any more strippers around here.

The victim was taken to the hospital, where she recieved seven staples for the cuts on her face. The victim opted not to make a police report and left the ER before police arrived, but the hospital staff filled in the authorities as required by law in the case of an assault.

What else is there to say here? O-hioooooooooo!

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The Squeaky Wheel Gets (Some of) the Grease

Colleen Kane — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 13:45:00 GMT

I'm not sure if it's related or pure coinky-dink, but after I posted about Plenty magazine's delinquent freelancer payments yesterday, I heard from former Plenty editor Mark Spellun.

He sent the following letter proposing a new deal, along with a release.

Math has never been my strong suit, hence my less-than-lucrative career in the wild world of publishing, but one thing I remembered from math class was how to figure out percentages, so I made my little proportion and cross-multiplied, with furrowed brow, head scratching, and tongue poking out the corner of my mouth. Twenty-seven minutes later, I had my answer.

Turns out they're paying me 75% of what was owed for the last two months of 2009.

I could get involved in some legal battle, or I could sign the release. So I signed it, and supposedly the check is in the mail. I'm pretty sure it's not an April Fools' joke.

Bye-bye, 25%! But all is not lost. If I get enough page views on this post, I can potentially recoup most of that loss. Thanks for clicking through.

A Comparatively Respectable New Gig for This Girl

Consecutive DUIs: Three Times a Lady

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:13:00 GMT

This tragicomic tale contains several points in the "comic" column, but it begins with a 60-year-old woman driving on her vacay while dipping into an open box of wine.

The news article does not specify whether the woman was a mom, but she probably is because boxed wine is for moms to get loaded at home. This woman didn't keep her box of wine at home, though, she took it on her road trip vacation in Wisconsin (sorry, but we found that part amusing as well; it's not the first place you think of for a road trip).

The first arrest happened on March 11th, when the woman was spotted by a deputy trying to drive out of a ditch. She had only one shoe on and a blood-alcohol level of 0.21. She was arrested again a day later while attempting to get her car out of the snow in a closed campground. This was clearly a budget road trip for these rough times we're all facing. At that time, she estimated she'd had "four or six cups" of wine.

"I am still finishing up the box of wine in my car from yesterday," she told the officer.

After 12 hours in jail, she was free again, then arrested again when her car was spotted driving "all over the road," read the police report.

Apparently the box of wine had been polished off at that point and half a bottle of wine was found. This time, her blood alchol level was .16, and the woman now faces 30 days in jail and fines in excess of $3,000. So much for the low-budget vacation.

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Sale! Human Sperm

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 22:01:00 GMT

If you were going with artificial insemination to get pregnant, would you buy sperm on sale? One sperm bank, the futuristically named Xytex, is banking on in it with their own version of a stimulus package.

Apparently Xytex has an overload of sperm from certain donors who are quite prolific, and they're looking to, uh, unload some of it. Vials of sperm from those clients will be discounted by up to $200.

"We're all feeling the effects of the economy and, especially for families seeking reproductive options, every dollar counts," said a spokesperson for Xytex, Danielle Moores. "Select donors are a new level of donor which we introduced to try to help our clients who are interested in third-party reproduction but, with the tough economy, are having a little bit of trouble purchasing a regular donor."

Is that something you want to tell the kids, though? "And then your mommy got them to knock down an extra $50 from the amount they were already discounting. And then nine months later, you were born!"

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Today in Virginity Auctions: an Auctioneer Looking for a Hubby

Colleen Kane — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 21:02:00 GMT

Alina Percea, an 18-year-old Romanian woman, is offering a weekend of sex for about $75,000, to pay for college. But with the auction ending in three days, she is far short of the goal.

Bids are currently up to only about $7,000 the Sun reported. Alina has a certificate from a gynocologist proving she's a virgin (they do that?), and her offer includes unprotected sex, providing the winning bidder brings his own certificate proving he is disease-free.

But it's not all business, she says. She's hoping to meet her husband this way. “I want the first time I have sex to be special so I wouldn’t want it to be a quickie." Right, special, plus the $75K fee, plus travel and accomodations.

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Another Reason Why You're Fat: the McGangBang

Colleen Kane — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 15:28:00 GMT

Eat Me Daily recently chronicled the entire known history of the culinary phenomenon known as the McGangBang. It is quite possibly the reason why you are fat and why America is collapsing. But on the plus side, it only costs $2.16! Recession food!

The McGangBang is not on the McDonald's menu, although some employees have caught on that it means a McChicken sandwich inside of a double cheeseburger. Since both items are from the dollar menu, it totals just over two bucks, and it could be heralded as economical innovation in the face of adversity. But really, the total amounts to more than that, as expressed in this cautionary quote describing the McGangBang experience:

It's kind of like having a threesome with two ugly chicks. While it's happening you're stoked, because hey threesome!!! But once you're finished it kinda sinks in about what you've done.

Variations include the Burger King WhopGangBang (invented after three unsuccessful attempts to get a McGangBang), and the McWhitey, which is a Filet-o-Fish patty between two McChicken patties with Filet-o-Fish sauce. (Scanner Colleen, who once made chicken-fried veggie bacon, might have to fix herself the first veggie GangBang.)

The piece on Eat Me Daily has the McGangBang-related links and videos.

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Guess What, Guy Who Has Bartended at the Real Cheers Since Way Before Sam Malone? You're Fired

Colleen Kane — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 18:12:00 GMT

You know how we keep saying that the only industries safe from this tanking economy are booze and porn? And you know how that keeps proving to not be true? Here it is again:

Eddie Doyle, who has bartended at the inspiration for "Cheers" since 1974, has been fired. The reason given by the bar owner is the economy.

The real-life counterpart to Cheers is Boston's Bull & Finch, and after the debut of "Cheers" in 1982, Eddie was serving 5,000 patrons a day. Eddie spread around his financial success with charities, is not bitter about his job loss, and may have a memoir in the works.

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Way to F Up the Swingers Party, Dude

Colleen Kane — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 18:37:00 GMT

A tourist caused a mini riot at an "anything goes" adult sex party at an Australian nudist colony.

So how does one cause such outrage, if anything goes at this party...?

By refusing to get naked.

The monthly sex party was promoted to boost weak tourism to a resort that was once named the country's top group-sex hotspot for naked swingers.

Four naked women, uncomfortable with the way he was "eyeing them off," confronted the clothed man and demanded he drop trou, said the manager, Tony Fox.

"He then threatened to bash me, there was some argy-bargy and I ordered him off the premises and police were called."

Argy-bargy. Best new phrase of the day.

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Do as We Say, Not as We Do

Colleen Kane — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 23:00:00 GMT

Google Image Search comes in quite handy for the purposes of illustrating a story on the Internets. Why, we used it for this blog post.

But if the following screencap is not doctored, the traditional media sometimes takes up the practice as well (blame it on budget cuts?) and if not careful, the results can take a decidedly NSFW and not- safe- for- TV- news turn.

Look closely at the Krispy Kreme photo.

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Source

California Introduces Bill to Legalize Marijuana

Colleen Kane — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 18:36:00 GMT

The tanking economy has to have some positive results, and this could be one of them. California Assemblyman Tom Ammiano held a press conference yesterday to introduce his marijuana legalization bill, which would decriminalize the cultivation, transport and sale of marijuana and paraphernalia to adults over 21, and levy a tax on all sales at $50 an ounce.

But that's okay, stonies, because they're saying legal pot would cost about half of what it costs now.

A representative from the Board of Equalization estimated that $1.3 billion would immediately be raised by the tax, not to mention the money saved by not prosecuting marijuana users and sellers (and money generated by pot tourists).

Judge James P. Gray put it this way: "The stronger we get on marijuana, the softer we get with regard to all other prosecutions because we have only so many resources. And we at this moment, have thousands of people in state prison right this minute who did nothing but smoke marijuana."

Ammiano said he doesn't think this legislation will sail right through, but it has a better chance now that the tax revenue is so desperately needed.

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Another Bunny Drop for Playboy

Colleen Kane — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 15:49:00 GMT

More bad news for the Playboy franchise: Playboy reported a loss in excess of 145 million in the fourth quarter of 2008, and says it expects a 27 percent decline in ad revenue in the first quarter of 2009.

When asked if Playboy would be open to selling the company or taking a new direction, interim CEO Jerome Kern, who took over for Christy Hefner late last month, replied, "Yes, we're open to discussions."

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Mistress Contest Goes Horribly Wrong

Colleen Kane — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 18:10:00 GMT

In a case of life imitating reality show, a married Chinese businessman held a contest to determine which of his five mistresses he would keep. (He was downsizing, due to the economy like so many are these days. Don't you feel bad for him?)

It went downhill, literally, from there.

One of the mistresses was eliminated based on her looks, according to CNN, and then under the guise of a "sightseeing trip," drove the man and the other four mistresses off a cliff. The driver, Yu, died, and the other passengers were injured. Then word got out about this contest via a letter left by Yu.

(You know there are producers out there crying because they didn't make this a TV show before this bit of ratings gold drama went down, and someone is now writing up a pitch for a series called "Take My Mistress, Please!")

The businessman paid Yu's family $84,744 to compensate for her death.

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Hooking is the New Teacher Scandal

Colleen Kane — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 16:22:00 GMT

Let's blame the economy for this, too: Teachers wishing to commit a crime have caught on to not give it away for free to students, when they can turn a trick and turn a quick buck. Only in the unfortunate case of Ohio teacher Amber Carter, it led to a felony charge.

Amber was arrested for prostitution yesterday at a Super 8 motel when she met up with a john she'd found on Craigslist during school hours. She had called out sick yesterday afternoon for her trick, which turned out to be a sting. It didn't help her case that she used school computers to arrange her business--it led to the additonal felony charge of "unauthorized use of property."

"It's not our place to tell them too much," said Superintendant Larry Anderson about what to tell the students, "but we figured the students might have heard rumors and would have some questions." Parents will get a letter about the situation tonight.

He also described Amber as a popular teacher. I'll say!

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