Scanner : boners

Is That a Boner in Your Pants or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Emily Farris — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:14:00 GMT

Having grown up sans penis, we've never had to endure the humiliation of a public boner. Sure, we've had to help tame a few but lucky for us, everything is contained nicely in our clothes. Hell, we never even had to worry about nipping. Throughout high school and—sadly—for much of our twenties we wore a padded bra (still hoping those boobs will come in any day now!). So while we've not been on the, uh, giving end of the awkward boner we may have, at some point in our lives, laughed at a few. The new blog Awkward Boners now allows us to do that all we want in the privacy of our own homes.

Today in teacher sex....

If you'd like to see these in their native habitat, visit Brighton Beach, Brooklyn.

Somebody get this kid a pizza box. Stat!

[Awkward Boners]

Related:

Shawn Johnson And Her Partner's Johnson Slip

Top 5 Obvious Public Boners

So Lap Dances Aren't Acceptable at High School Basketball Games?

SATC Penis Guy's Wife Loves His Sexy Dancing

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 19:33:00 GMT

This is Gilles Marini. Like us, you may not recognize the name Gilles Marini. In fact, you might not even recognize his face. But if you saw the Sex and the City movie you probably caught a glimpse of his sizable schlong. Or if you (unlike Scanner Brian) have been watching Dancing with the Stars, you might also have seen his junk—through his dance pants, of course. And you know what? Keep looking. Look all you want. Because his wife doesn't give a fuuuuck. In fact, she's not even worried that his partner is Cheryl Burke, who was rumored* to have been sleeping with her DWTS Season One partner, Drew Lachey. So, why is Marini's wife Carole so comfortable with her husband getting other women all hot and bothered?

Because “she’s French,” said Marini. “The more sexy it is [on the show] the better it is for her. Tonight she told me, ‘I saw that shaking booty stuff, you’re going to have to show it to me [at home].”

“Imagine if you do that job and you have a wife in the house or a husband in the house who is very kind of jealous and possessive, things would collapse,” he said in an interview with the website jenandbarbmomlife.com. “If I don’t have my wife at my side I have nothing. And so she is there pushing me and always kissing me and saying, ‘I am so proud of you.’”

Apparently, she pushes real good. The couple have been married for eleven years and have two children together.

[People: Gilles Marini Says Wife Loves His Sexy Dancing]

Related:

Shawn Johnson And Her Partner's Johnson Slip

McCain's Fem-bot Wife Wants to Go 'Dancing With the Stars'

Sloppy Seconds: Which "Dancing With the Stars" Star Will Pose for Playboy?

Crushed: Kim Kardashain's Dreams of Dancing With the Stars (Outside the Bedroom, Anyway)

[Image]

*We are not trying to perpetuate this rumor, only acknowlede its existence.

Eternal Hardons Landing Men in ER

Colleen Kane — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 22:27:00 GMT

Announcers in commercials for Viagra and other pills treating erectile dysfunction typically murmur some fine print at the end about "consult your doctor if erections last longer than four hours." Then everybody in the room has a chuckle because that doesn't really happen!

Oh, but apparently it does, and worse: in the case of some clinic patients in Minnesota, their impotence injections are causing erections lasting double that.

Several patients from the Edina Clinic Parnell Medical Group showed up in the emergency room with boners that wouldn't quit (there's a porn title in there somewhere). One poor 55-year-old had to have blood removed from his penis with a "large-bore needle," reportd the Twin Cities' Star Tribune. Adding insult to injury, this is a private clinic that doesn't accept medical insurance, so the men paid $200 just for their visits, plus $125 to $250 for the medicine.

Related:

Top 5 Obvious Public Boners

Boners On Sale: $0.49/lb

Arousal Brings Out the Creep in Many Dudes

So Lap Dances Aren't Acceptable at High School Basketball Games?

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 20:13:00 GMT

When I was on the dance team in high school—the aptly named Fort Osage "Indianettes"—I was given the nickname "PT" for pelvic thrust(er). According to my fellow dancers, I couldn't even perform the fight song without a little extra pump from my rump.

Apparently it was nothing compared a dance routine performed at Jonesboro High School in Georgia.

After a recent performance by the school's dance team, all dance, cheerleading and band members in the school district must have their routines approved by an administrator and the dance team has been disbanded. Its coach has been removed as well.

Heh. We bet the principal got a boner.

Related:

Woman Steals Daughter's Identity to Become a High School Cheerleader

Nude High School Cheerleader Scandal is Disturbing for a Few Reasons

Want Revenge On Your Old High School?

Dare to Dream, Girls: High School Offers Pole Dance Demo

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Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Contemplate Tina Fey's Breasts

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:57:00 GMT

To be fair, we also thought a lot about her scar and the rest of her body....

Highs:

We made some new friends.

We found lots and lots and lots of bearded men. All in one place.

But we still love this one.

We found the one guy in the world who didn't know what a "boner" was.

Our faith in humanity may wain, but our faith in cute animals never will.

Yes, rockstar babies are beautiful.

Our dad, and old people in general, are really, really, really cute.

We finally got a little bit of LOST.

And learned the origins of Tina Fey's scar.

Apparently we can get an abortion for Christmas ("No, Dad. The $400 will keep me up to date with all my girl check ups for four years.)

Did you hear the one about Anderson Cooper and Michael Phelps getting in the pool together?

Dita Von Teese in German Playboy.

Scanner Matt did not get any beard hair in any of his three turkeys.

Lows:

The world, including Tina Fey, made a big deal out of the fact that she used to be "fat." But hey, she had some knockers.

We're pretty sure these creamy cum crepes are for real. Somebody pass the gizz juice!

Eliot Spitzer got a blog job and didn't even consider writing for us. Jerk.

Grossgrossgrossgross.

Image via vanityfair.com

Anyone for a Wunder Boner?

Colleen Kane — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 22:27:00 GMT

We refuse to believe that in 1994, nine years after some joker named a character Boner on Growing Pains, nobody involved in the naming of the Wunder Boner—a gizmo for de-boning fish—knew what a boner was (as in the bow-chicka-wow-wow kind). Luckily, that didn't stop them from making the product... and a quality commercial for your amusement about 15 years later as you fritter away the last moments before the weekend.

via With Leather

Related:

Top 5 Obvious Public Boners

Boners On Sale: $0.49/lb

Because We're Twisted: The World's 10 Most Ironic Deaths

image: stripersonline.com

Bone Your Way to Better Health

Kelly Deerson — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:51:00 GMT

A study published in this month's American Journal of Medicine is reporting that dudes who frequently get their rocks off are less likely to have erectile dysfunction problems in the future.

Researchers at the Tampere University Hospital in Finland analyzed nearly 1,000 men during a five year period, and found that those who had sex less than once a week had twice the incidence of Limp Dick Syndrome than their counterparts who were getting busy once a week. If the dudes had sex more than that, their risk went down even further.

In addition, the researchers in this study found that the participants' incidence of morning wood was a good predictor for the development of erectile dysfunction. Those who woke up hard less than once a week had an "approximate 2.5-fold risk" compared to the guys who had morning erections 2-3 times per week.

So, to all our male readers, don't be ashamed of that tent you're making in the morning. It's a just sign of more good things to come.

via EurekAlert [image]

Boners On Sale: $0.49/lb

Kelly Deerson — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 19:19:00 GMT

Scientists at Texas A&M’s Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center (sounds like a correctional facility for broccoli, right?) recently discovered that watermelon has ingredients that deliver “Viagra-like effects.”

Dr. Bhimu Patil states that:

In watermelons, [beneficial ingredients] include lycopene, beta carotene and the rising star among its phyto-nutrients – citrulline – whose beneficial functions are now being unraveled. Among them is the ability to relax blood vessels, much like Viagra does.

With the Fourth of July right around the corner, we’re sure that watermelon consumption will be at its peak. Looks like that’s not the only thing that's gonna be peaking this weekend.

via Science Daily

Top 5 Obvious Public Boners

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 16:35:00 GMT

You know what there aren't enough of on TV? Obvious accidental boners. Jean Claude Van Damme tried to remedy this on a Portuguese-language TV show. He did a really good job. Look how proud he is of himself.

The obvious accidental public boner makes us feel so bad for guys, not bad enough that we don't laugh ourselves off the chair when we see it. But, trust us, really, really bad. And JCVD is not the only man to plant a tree in his pants in a seriously public way. The other four guys on this list totally feel his pain.

Wyclef Jean does everything short of cutting it off to hide his hard on, but he's so totally busted.

Gotta give it up to John Legend for not giving a fuck that he's pitching an enormous tent in front of thousands of people.

This wrestler has the biggest "win boner" we've ever seen.

Worst day ever. As if getting hit in the head with a golf ball wasn't shitty enough.

Feel free to leave your own obvious accidental boner story in the comments. We collect that shit like stamps.

Watching Too Much Porn? This Will Set You Right

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 May 2008 17:11:00 GMT

If they ran this three-minute disclaimer before every porno we ever watched, we'd definitely have healthier sex lives... and never want to actually watch porn. It's the video equivalent of a tub full of ice water, of hearing a twig snap in half-- in other words, the ultimate boner killer.

WARNING: audio is NSFW, although the boring camera setup certainly is. We kept expecting this Gennifer Flowers wannabe to jump on the desk and reveal her sexy stockings. We're guessing this could be why we didn't do so well in sex ed.

Double Viking - 80s PSA That Used To Run Before Pornos

When you're done with that, reward yourself with an ad too cool to ever be topped by any modern television commerical:

Double Viking - Salvador Dali Explains Alka-Seltzer

And one more: Have you been perverted by newsstand obscenity? An (early?) 60s PSA featuring "George Putnam, outstanding news reporter" may be of some assistance...

Scanner Storytime: Betsey Does Bear Bone, And a Vicar, Too

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 21:03:00 GMT

Thanks to everyone who contributed to Scanner Storytime, in which we asked you to help us write a dirty story, and especially to Baron Von Monkeychow for ensuring we all have some hilarious one-handed reading this weekend.

And so it begins...

Betsey was a busty girl, with pale skin, wide hips, a soft belly, and buttery blonde hair, cut into a precise chin-length bob—the only hair she groomed perfectly. When her roommate would leave the apartment, Betsey liked to play her Rolling Stones records and dance naked in front of the full-length mirror in the kitchen, while drinking cheap whiskey from a flask encased in leather.

Her neighbor, the vicar, would often peer into her window while she danced late into the night. He was sure she would burn in hell for her sins, but he too was burning-in his loins. It was more than lust, it was a burning desire for which he should be punished. He breathed her name slowly while he began to rub slowly against the windowsill.

The song was "Brown Sugar", and so was her pleasure. She let her fingers do the walking while the vicar began to pray in earnest while continuing to rub against the windowsill. He took God's name in vain when he saw where she had so gently placed those fingers. First on the record player, and then on her backside.

Betsey knew her neighbor would watch her, but she didn't know much about him, except he would pleasure himself while she danced. Feeling tipsy, Betsey decided that today, her neighbor would without a doubt enjoy himself as much as she would. She threw her hands in the air while Mick and the boys crooned and let her hand trail down...

Then, without warning, the seductress stopped dancing, and the vicar silently cursed her for teasing him. Betsey quickly donned a robe and muted her antiquated stereo before going to the front door. "A visitor?" muttered the vicar, scratching his stomach absentmindedly through whatever it is that vicars wear.

Just as the old vicar was about to knob his wolly, an asiatic black bear nammed Claude who had been biding his time in a Japanese zoo, learning the sacred art of Wushu staff fighting broke through the lucious blonde's cracked door, wielding his stick.

"Careful!" she squealed. "You'll make the record skip! We're just coming up to my favorite part... the introduction to 'Sympathy for the Devil'! You look like a bear of wealth and taste!" And Claude put his fighting staff down, reared up on his hind legs and did a wicked shimmy. "Wow," said Betsey. "I never realized that bears were hung like that!" The vicar couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Outside of "experimenting" in his seminary days, the vicar had never had his desire stirred by the male form, but over the years, he had found near all-consuming burning for furries. In fact, even though he had found Betsey's full bosom, achingly soft-looking belly -- which hinted of her indulgences sinful and excessive -- and her wide, rolling hips more than enough to endanger his immortal soul over the past months he had been watching her, it was the wild, un-groomed hair now rhythmically dancing between over her pubis that had set fire to his loins and cast his soul into oblivion. Seeing the bear shimmy excited him so much that his seed had erupted with enough force to stain his cassock through (quite a feat given the layers between). And the sight of the bear's slowly rising, swelling penis was maintaining his erection despite his incredible performance. "Oh, well," he thought, "maybe, I was experimenting, after all."

You do know of course, Constant Reader, that bears' penises (or is it penii) have a bone in them? An honest to goodness bone. Now, Betsey, who was salivating along with the vicar, could be seriously damaged by the bear's tumescence, unless she took the length of the song to get the length of the bear. But first.. she walked over to the window and motioned to the vicar...

The vicar nearly fell over with surprise. Me?!! She wants me?!! His heart leaped into his throat at the mere thought of her flesh pressed against his. How often he had dreamed of her smell, her taste, her sweaty body, and now the chance was before him Waving. Wanting. Him.

He felt a surge of youth in his loins press firmly against his robes. No longer would he be held back by his vows. By god, he was a man! A living, breathing man. One with wants and desires, and these desires were now spilling out of him as he ran down the stairs to be with her.

When he burst through the door of Betsey's apartment, the vicar was more than ready for her. His clothing had fallen off somewhere between his front door and the front door of her building. He had sprinted up the four flights of stairs in near record time completely in the nude. Yet, even he was surprised that he was not the slightest bit out of breath. This surely would be a night to remember. No, this would surely be a night of *legend*.

The bear stared at the vicar, for he too was blessed by the heavens above. Betsey gasped at the length and breadth of his manhood. This should never have been silenced by a vow of celibacy she thought, surely this was God's gift to women everywhere. And with that, she made her move.

Like a jungle cat, she was upon him. Their arms enveloped each other, their mouths explored their bodies. Tasting. Licking. Kissing. Squeezing. It was a frenzied scene of lust, passion and excitement. Finally she could take it no more. Holding his massiveness in both hands, she looked into his eye, no into his soul, and softly spoke to him. "I want this, inside of me" she told him in no uncertain terms. He didn't have to be told twice.

As he entered her, she let out a soft sigh, and then a whistle. The vicar looked into her eyes and said "say when". She giggled, and knew that this was a night of no limits. She took him all the way in, and then held him close to feel and enjoy such massiveness inside her. She had never felt anything like this, and she wanted to be sure to remember it. The bear had been sitting quietly until now. Standing quite deliberately, he raised a hand to his neck and unsnapped something. This was no ordinary bear, this was a man in costume. Inside the costume, it was no ordinary man. It was...

RON JEREMY! This bear is actually a hedgehog. Apparently the spirit of Ron Jeremy has been condemned to roam the earth in a bear suit since he sold his immoral soul to the devil in the 1970's. Regardless of how he got there, he knew why he was there, and what he had to do. He gently rolled the vicar and Betsey over without uncoupling them, leaving Betsey riding on her high horse.

The minutes turned into hours and the hours turned into a day and still they went at it like minks. It was the vicar and Betsey. It was Ron and Betsey. It was the vicar, Betsey, and Ron. It was the vicar and Ron. Betsey was most impressed at their stamina. She had never been so satisfied in all her life. To have two men of such stature and sexual prowess at her beck and call gave her a feeling of superiority over all women. She was euphoric.

Later, lying alone in a pool of sweat and semen and satisfaction, she reflected upon what just happened. She smiled a knowing smile and started the record. "Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste. I've been around for a long long year, stole many a mans soul and faith". She had sold her soul to the devil, and it had been money well spent.

...and so it ends.

[Previously: Scanner Storytime: Choose Your Own Adventure-ish Erotica]

Best or Worst Ad of the Week?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:55:00 GMT

Sorry for the screenshot... it's really not the same as just a jpeg of the pic, minus that wonderful, boner-in-cheek headline.

Cryoss International, a sperm bank in downtown Manhattan (perfect for the closeted lawyer at your firm who never gets to use that sperm anyway), has an interesting homepage, linked via the same obnoxious Craig's List ad we've captured above.

We love how the page is vulgar and crass, visually, but whips out the ol' legalese in the text, as if nothing is happening and a man is not looking down his boxers with an exaggerated gesture of measuring his manhood.

Here's one from the golden age of advertising if the above image doesn't get you smirking:

Borat Got Wood Shooting Naked Wrassle Fight

Bryan Christian — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 21:03:00 GMT

Borat may be officially retired, and Sacha Baron Cohen may have moved on to Sweeney Todd and Bruno, but we're still making learnings from that glorious birthday suit brawl.

Kathleen Tracy reports in her new bio, "Sacha Baron Cohen: From Cambridge to Kazakhstan," that "the apparent adrenaline rush to survive under [co-star Ken] Davitian's ample weight" caused an awkward surge of blood toward one of Cohen's extremities.
The film was spared an NC-17 rating by that long, rectangular fig leaf.

Huh. Dingy hotel room, getting hard on camera with hairy, unattractive men... seems like Borat could've had a real future in porn.

La, La, La, La, We're Gonna Marry It!

Emily Farris — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 14:09:00 GMT

We watched "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" as a kid and, of course, loved every crazy minute of it. Then we watched some episodes as an adult and, realizing that most of the jokes were not at all intended for children, loved it ten times more — it was creepy, twisted and wonderful. So we're super excited about the prospect of another Pee-Wee movie, even if Pee-Wee himself is well over the hill:

...Can the 55-year-old Reubens realistically don Pee-wee's red bow tie again? The actor said he remains confident, especially after his first appearance in character in 15 years at Spike TV's Guys Choice Awards. Despite asking himself, "What in the hell are you doing?" as he stood backstage in costume, Reubens said the character "came right back" to him. Still, Reubens said he had a backup plan nonetheless for the Pee-wee movies should he not be up for the part. "My second option is to have Johnny Depp play Pee-wee," he said. Pie-in-the-sky casting or a realistic plan, Reubens insisted that he's even spoken to Depp about it, saying that the actor told him, "Let me think about it."

We got a little bit of a hard-on over Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka, so while we fear the psychological ramifications of Johnny Depp as Pee-Wee, we say bring it on!

[Via MTV News]