Scanner : book deals

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 22:33:00 GMT

I made this for you. Well, I made it for me, but you can make it for yourself by using my recipe. It's a Green Eggs & Ham Easter casserole and it has biscuits (and cheese!) on top. [Slashfood]

Billy Bob Thornton was booed onstage while performing with his band Boxmasters in Canada. But not necessarily because they were bad, but because prior to that he'd gotten into it with a local DJ who then introduced him at the show. [MTV]

Aren't women supposed to go around bragging about affairs with rockstars? You know, like that one we had with Jim James*? [People]

When we went to the New School we, for the most part, stayed clear of the protests. Good thing, because it seems they end with pepper spray. [DailyIntel]

Freddy Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar are expecting a baby vampire slayer. [People]

Guess who has a book deal? Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John and Cookie Monster Cindy has apparently signed a deal with Hyperion to pen a book about politics. [Yahoo!]

We were never the best at anything as kids. So we totally would have taken being the best Ping Pong player. Too bad this six-year-old would have taken that away from us, too. [Neatorama]

Critics are slamming Miley Cyrus' big-screen Hannah Montana. Um, yeah. [Us]

Remember that funny Some E Card? Well, turns out Christ is on Twitter. Well, sort-of. Trinity Church in New York has decided to Tweet the Passion of the Christ. Will you follow Jesus? [Twitter]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

I Love Myself for Loving You: Jim James

*In our dreams. Every night.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Is It Really Ever About Anything But Boobs?

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:25:00 GMT

What you don't know yet is that our mom flashed our friends at our book party...

Highs:

We wrote a book!

And if it doesn't sell well, we may have found a way to get through the economic crisis.

We looked at boobs, natch.

And then we put our Barack where our boobs are.

Is it actually possible we'll stop drinking and emailing?

Instead of punching you in the face next time you say "that's so gay," we now have a short video to show you.

When most people get $6 million book deals, we hate them; we're happy about this one.

You still have time to win some free shit.

We actually agreed with one of those "sexiest women alive" lists.

Crazy cat ladies, you're not alone!

Lows:

We decided we like Madonna again. For a little while, at least.

Sarah Palin told us that she and Jesus and mosquitoes will save the world together, while wearing sparkles.

And we thought we needed to hide those elementary school pictures.

We also thought our mom was crazy for flashing our friends at our book party; boy, were we wrong.

Scanner Brian missed it because he left to watch the debates.

This kid made us sad for the world.

Fuck.

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Tina Fey's $6M Book Deal

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Nick Nolte's house has $3 million worth of damage after a fire ripped through his estate on Tuesday. Guess it can suck to be wealthy. [Us]

Ashlee Simpson dressed up like her big sister Jessica when celebrating her 24th birthday. "Ashlee wore Daisy Dukes and platform flip-flops with a bathing suit and a fake tattoo around her belly." [People]

Female Australian sumo wrestlers? Yes! [Daily Mail]

Former Us editor Bonnie Fuller is just like us, she has quite a bit to say about the election, too. [Jossip]

Tina Fey has signed a supposedly $6 million book deal with Little, Brown for a humor-based memoir. [INF]

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 13:26:00 GMT

Poor Anne Hathaway, and we don't mean that in a mocking way: she had to hand over all the lovely jewels her ex gave her... because they were allegedly purchased with stolen funds. (We hate it when that happens.) Meanwhile, the suave gangster paramour of hers faces at least five years in prison and is still in jail, pending a million dollars' bond, and rumored to be working on a plea deal.

If you're a poll kind of person (we're kind of not), here are 19 new ones on the Presidential race. Quickly: McCain leads in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, and Wyoming; Obama leads in Colorado, Michigan, and Pennsylvania; and they're tied in Nevada, North Carolina, and Ohio.

And who will be the surprise special guest during Michael Phelps' hosting of SNL this weekend?

According to People, Sen. Barack Obama will appear on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps will be guest hosting the show.

Said an Obama spokesman: "The details of the sketch are still being worked out."

We hope it's funnier than the last one, which was super obvious and involved Halloween masks and his "surprise" appearance. Lame.

We're absolutely amazed that someone gave Mariah Carey another movie. Not that we don't like her or anything-- we're just stating the truth.

We still can't get over this story from yesterday's Sloppy Seconds (click here): Lauren Conrad has landed a book deal. Oh my God, what's next, a clothing line?!

And the scariest headline of the morning: Trace drugs found in water could affect 46 million

Headline that sounds scary but thankfully isn't: 9-Year-Old Girl Delivers Baby Brother

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: The Nightmare on Elm Street Remake

While You Were Sleeping: Jessica Alba's Bondage Ad

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West's Arrest

Hey Rev. Jeremiah Wright: Your Sex Scandal Is Not Helping

While You Were Sleeping: Which TV Female Character Do You Wanna Be?

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West's Arrest

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:13:00 GMT

Janet Jackson kicked off her first tour in six years with an emotional performance in Vancouver. [People]

We pity the fool who will soon be Mr. Tara Reid. [dListed]

We're not the only ones expecting the new 90210 to suck. Shannen Doherty doesn't plan to do more than four episodes. [Yahoo!]

~~Spiderman~~ Tobey McGuire is all set to give his big speech at the 9/11 memorial service tonight. Huh? [Cryptome]

Project Runway judge and former Elle fashion director, Nina Garcia, has a few things to say about Sarah Palin's wardrobe. For starters, she should drop the glasses. [Radar]

But if you dig her look, you should find your perfect pit bull in lipstick shade. [The Frisky]

Lauren Conrad, of The Hills, has just signed a three-book deal with Harper Collins. We quit. Has she even read three books in her lifetime? [Us]

After smashing up a photographer's camera at LAX, Kanye West realized that TMZ had been taping the first incident and allegedly went after the TMZ camera person. (We probably would have done the same thing). [LAT and TMZ Video]

Bush: Me Like Book, Me Write Book

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:50:00 GMT

See, no one is going to give this incompetent ass, a born follower, a high-powered position in the private sector when he's finally, finally out of office. Okay, maybe Halliburton will hook him up. In any case, he hemorrhages money like I'm hemorrhaging brain cells after a night of birthday drinking. George Bush knows he'll have to make a quick killing when he leaves the White House, or else he's going to end up a dopey old pauper like Harry Truman, who was so poor Congress made a law saying ex-Presidents were not allowed to be poor again.

"I seriously don't watch TV. You know, I watch sports, but I'd much rather read books. And I do. I read a lot," he said according to a transcript released by the White House.

Name one, dumbo, and "My Pet Goat" and the funny pages don't count. Curiously, George continues to press on with this fool's errand-- the writing of his memoirs, that is. You think it might sound something like a book (ghost)written by Rudy Guiliani? (Imagine Jon Stewart doing George Bush doing the audio book when you read the below...)

It was 9/11. September. September the 11th. It was a cold, cold day in New York. And DC. I had been on vacation, but don't tell anyone that. I was in a school. In Florida, showing off my communications skills. To all the kids. I wasn't worried. I knew everyone in my Administration. Was going after Osama Bin Laden. We were gonna catch him. And then the first ~~bombs~~ planes hit the Twelve Towers. And then I leaped in front of the one trying to blow up the White House, and I took it down with my bare hands. Amen.

In other words, it will be filled with choppy sentences, unfinished thoughts, grammatical and spelling mistakes, and incredible lies. But, of course, the media will champion it as some sort of "redemption" and call it a "heartwarming narrative." Whimps.

Via Yahoo!/Reuters.

Lynne Spears Will Not Let Dina Lohan Out-Exploit Her

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 18:53:00 GMT

Dina Lohan may be whoring out her family on "Living Lohan" in an effort to make a quick buck and enjoy her 15 minutes while carrying some tacky hand bag, but Lynne Spears is hot on Lohan's heels with a tell-all memoir about — what else? — her family. And dammit, if Jamie Lynn hadn't gone and gotten herself knocked-up it would have come out right about now. Material, Lynne! Material! Just think of everything that happens in your life and the lives of your daughters as material for making yourself more famous (and rich!).

[People: Lynne Spears's Memoir Set for Fall Release]

Related:

Jamie-Lynn Spears Officially Pregnant; Lynne Spears Officially World's Worst Mom, Y'all!

Spears Family Ties

Who Would You Rather? MILF Edition: Dina Lohan or Lynne Spears

Michael Lohan Sells Out Lindsay Once Again

Barbara Walters' Wet Hot American Interracial Affair

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 May 2008 17:34:00 GMT

Over the years, Barbara Walters has been pretty forgiving of most of her subjects and their misgivings, or at least she comes off as fairly non-judgmental. Maybe that's because she's no angel herself. Baba admitted during a recent taping of the Oprah show to an affair with a married senator in the 1970's.

More than thirty years after the fact, the interview queen opened up to the other interview queen (Oprah) about her affair with Senator Edward Brooke in the 1970's. Brooke, married at the time, was the first African American elected to the Senate by popular vote. Not only that, he was a Republican.

And, in case you were wondering, yeah, she's revealing this now to sell books:

Walters is the guest of Oprah Winfrey to discuss her new memoir, "Audition," which covers her long career in television, as well as her off-camera life. On "Oprah," Walters recounts a phone call from a friend who urged her to stop seeing Brooke.

"He said, 'This is going to come out. This is going to ruin your career,'" then reminded her that Brooke was up for re-election a year later. "'This is going to ruin him. You've got to break this off.'"

Winfrey asks Walters if she was in love.

"I was certainly — I don't know — I was certainly infatuated."

"Infatuated."

"I was certainly involved," Walters says. "He was exciting. He was brilliant. It was exciting times in Washington."

[AP: Barbara Walters reveals past affair with US senator]

Miley Cyrus Will Write a Memoir, We Will Rip Our Eyeballs Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 13:51:00 GMT

We hope to write a memoir someday. You know, when we're old, and we've done stuff, and voted in every election and birthed children who've birthed children, and overcome some great adversity or life-threatening disease. Isn't that what memoirs are supposed to be? So what the fuck does fifteen-year-old Miley Cyrus have to write about in her upcoming memoir? And why is she getting paid seven figures to do it?

Miley Cyrus, the 15-year-old teen idol better known as "Hannah Montana," plans to write a memoir about her journey to stardom, the Disney Book Group said on Tuesday.

The book, to be published by Disney-Hyperion Books and scheduled to hit bookshelves next spring, will trace her life from her roots in the Southern United States to Hollywood celebrity and will feature photographs from her famous family.

We sure hope one of those seven figures is a decimal and there are two more following it. We're allowed to be a little bitter about this right? Maybe for the sake of woman kind? Or humanity? Or culture? Or literary non-fiction? Or Joan Didion?

[Reuters: Miley Cyrus plans to write memior]