Scanner : boyfriends

Self-Proclaimed "Big Putz" Drops Engagement Ring Off of The Brooklyn Bridge [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 18:00:00 GMT

Proposing to your girlfriend on the Brooklyn Bridge is romantic. As long as you're not Butterfingers.

Related:

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Single Ladies (Put a Used Ring on It)

Sloppy Seconds: Star Jones' Split, Sienna Miller's Engagement and Heath Ledger's Will

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Joe Biden's Daughter Caught in Cocaine Scandal?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:46:00 GMT

Ashley Biden, the cute 27-year-old daughter of the Vice President is apparently this year's Kate Moss. Remember how someone secretly filmed the supermodel doing blow at Pete Doherty's recording session? The same thing happened to Ash, only it was at a party, she knew she was being filmed, and now the tape is about to fetch six figures...

If it's true. While we do believe a tape exists, so far no one's been able to prove the cokehead in the video is the First Daughter. Even the New York Post is unsure-- although, of course they milk the story for the little it's worth:

The woman appears to resemble Ashley Biden, 27, a social worker for a Delaware child-welfare agency...

[She] makes repeated references to the drugs, said the lawyers, who said they viewed the tape about 15 times.

"At one point she pretty much complains that the line isn't big enough," said the second lawyer, who declined to identify himself. "And she talks about her dad."

Biden has been an outspoken crusader against drugs, coining the term "drug czar" in 1982 while campaigning for a more forceful "war on drugs." [NY Post]

Whoever she is, she clearly has a drug problem. According to a variety of sources, the young woman on the tape uses a big red straw to snort up a boatload of coke before lashing out at people around her and telling them to "shut the fuck up." (It's also rumored that Biden's longtime boyfriend is pictured in the same frame as her, which would make the tape appear to be genuine.)

The douchebag who filmed all this tried initially to obtain $1.2 for the original, but has scaled back his greed to a mere $400,000. One report says two companies have offered well over six figures for the tape, but not the full 400 g's. Yet...

Obama Crashes Carnival Party, Thanks to Naked Carnival Queen

Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

Barack Obama's "Gay Sex Scandal" Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Audrina Partridge had her home broken into by two very bizarre young citizens. In surveillance footage, they can be seen wandering aimlessly from room to room... and back again... and again... without doing much of anything, let alone steal anything or set fire to the place.

Arrested Development: the Movie was finally greenlit, thanks to lazy-assed Michael Cera coming aboard.

This oh-so-adorable young lady was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend's nutsack. Prior to this incident, they had broken up "approximately 20 times," yet she seemed rather surprised to find that the dude had another ladyfriend over for the night.

We were all excited to hear Andy Richter would be rejoining Conan on TV, but it turns out he's just going to be the announcer. Guess Conan's enjoying his solo career.

Can a resident of the UK explain to us why so many Brits use "miles an hour" in their speech? Does it have something to do with the universal use of nautical miles? (Oh, and check out the video we just linked to. The 71-year-old dude quoted in it is our new personal hero.)

The Beatles recorded a version of "Revolution" that was only recently discovered and you really must hear it.

Is McDreamy really leaving the hospital on Grey's Anatomy?

And Maxim men of the world, rejoice: Megan Fox is single again. But before you get any ideas... guess which first name she has tattooed near her crotch? She wouldn't even have to deal with that pesky removal process if she just returned our calls...

Megan Fox Is So Hot Right Now, GQ Can Just Recycle Her Photos

Sloppy Seconds: Nine-Year-Old Girl Marries in Texas

Don't Miss the Awesomeness on Late Night's Goodbye Week

Burlesque Star Wants To Spice Up Your Valentine's Day

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:46:00 GMT

Unfortunately, she did not offer to come to our house for a champagne-soaked threesome, but burlesque babe Ava Garter (yuk yuk yuk) proposed the next best thing: some fashion tips to rock your Valentine's Day this year.

For a change, they're actually quite good. Usually, the best V-Day advice is something akin to "stay in, get liquored up, dim the lights, break out the massage oil, and get down to business." But as she tells the Los Angeles Times, Garter has better ideas for this Saturday night.

Here are our favorite excerpts from the interview:

[On wearing that black dress you have hidden away:] A black dress should have a back or side zipper; you wouldn't want to get into a seduction scene and tug it over your head.

It's always very sexy to go with a pretty black bra, black garter belt, black panties with a bow and a nude sheer stocking. Black is slimming, and a nude stocking makes your legs look much longer.

For the bedroom, you can use a pair of black gloves as a tool for seduction that's very cheap -- remove them very slowly, one at a time, and take as long as you like.

If you're having dinner with your boyfriend or husband for Valentine's Day, touch up your lipstick very slowly in front of him and let him watch. Eyelashes are a fetish for me.
Pasta is inexpensive, easy and really romantic [for a perfect night in.]
One of the best gifts you can give a man is the gift of you, sharing time together and letting him off the hook for buying you something--

All right, that's enough. Don't get all sappy on us, Ava...

More with Ava Garter via the LA Times.

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Skull Spikes, Arm Ears and 5 Other Things We'll Never Do To Our Bodies

Nerve and Hendrick's Gin Sip in Style in San Francisco

Kim Cattrall: The Magically Naked 52-Year-Old Woman

This Week in Gayness: How to Tell Your Boyfriend Is Closeted

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:12:00 GMT

When in doubt, blame Kenneth Starr. For everything, including bleach stains, if necessary.

Get involved each day of Freedom to Marry week.

Once again, meddling Senators are dooming New York's chances of gay marriage in 2009.

The same New York Times article linked above has been attacked by gay rights supports for "demonizing" their allies.

The Frisky has a list of 9 (alleged) signs your supposedly straight boyfriend is gay.

Even the Republicans in Hawaii are unanimously in favor of civil unions: the House just approved a bill giving same-sex couples the rights married couples have.

Supporters of a defeated hate crimes bill in Georgia aren't giving up.

Why does the right wing care so much that transsexuals have the option to select male or female on their Massachusetts drivers licenses?

Perez Hilton's Novelty Song

Homophobic Phelps Clan to Picket/Pick-On High School Students

This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

While You Were Sleeping: Your Shopping Bag Is Sexist, Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Are you guys doing the inaugural? Good luck surviving the stampede.

The nitwit who dared to have sex on a beach in Dubai spoke out about his ordeal. (Not the sex-- the other ordeal.)

Bet you'll never guess why a man shot and killed a sex shop worker... oh wait, you will, and likely on the first try:

A man has shot and wounded a saleswoman in a Russian sex shop after the impotence tablets he bought failed to have the desired effect. [stuff.co.nz]

Ellie Nesler, the woman who killed her son's (accused) child molester, died.

Did your 2008 pass by in what felt like forty seconds? It will again, thanks to this snazzy video.

We rejoice at the sight of CNN giving out love advice because it just makes us look way more qualified than we really are.

This "sexy" (and sexist?) shopping bag "might put you in jail," according this blog.

Counterfeiters aren't even trying to make their money look real anymore, they're so desperate to have anything to pay with.

And Zooey Deschanel-- sniff, sniff-- is off the market, thanks to (Mystery Boyfriend Revealed) Ben Gibbard, of Death Cab For Cutie.

PapSmeared: The Cyruses Are Married... With Children

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 23:19:00 GMT

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Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Feels the Crunch

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:12:00 GMT

We just want to start out by saying you need to see the following three movies this weekend: Slumdog Millionaire, Milk, and The Wrestler, supposing they are out where you currently reside. Mickey Rourke's performance is one of the greatest so far this century, although Sean Penn is equally good on a more subtle level and could steal an Oscar from him, while Slumdog Millionaire is barely not cheeseball Bollywood/Hollywood, but the story hooks you almost instantly and the end-credit dance-off is the most eye popping in ages. Check out movie showtimes here.

In other news, we have a final result in the $54 million dry cleaning lawsuit...

Roy L. Pearson, the former administrative law judge who sued his dry cleaner for $54 million over a misplaced pair of pants, lost his final appeal in the District's highest court.
"Appellant failed to establish either that the Chungs' 'Satisfaction Guaranteed' and 'Same Day Service' signs constituted false or misleading statements, or that they lost his pants.

Next, we hope he gets sued (and loses again) over all this...

A stripper in Colorado has been making $18 a day thanks to the recession.

Want to have a day of hookey with your girl? Just call in anonymous threats to her school!

Wall-E seems to be benefitting the split votes among the critics, who can't decide on a favorite that any of them pick as their #1. Instead, they end up with everybody's second or third choice, the Pixar film that delighted audiences and baffled the gluttonous.

And Janet Jackson broke up with Jermaine Dupri, according to the tabloids.

While You Were Sleeping: Scrubs & Friends

48-Year-Old Carol Alt Finally Does Playboy

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

Sloppy Seconds: the 69-Year-old Pinup Dude

Top 10 Celebrity Twitterers

Dumbest Person Ever? Pregnant Woman Gives Birth on Rollercoaster

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 22:40:00 GMT

We're not saying she's dumb because she gave birth following a rollercoaster ride; we're not even going to call her the dumbest person of 2008 for going on a rollercoaster ride while pregnant.

Nope-- we're going to call her the dumbest person of the year for not even knowing she was pregnant... and it gets zanier right quick.

Her 22-year-old boyfriend didn't figure out she was pregnant either. Usually, when you hear about these nutso's, you learn that the mother is religious, very conservative, has not had proper sex ed classes, and ends up nearly dying in childbirth. Not so in this case-- this is a 21-year-old woman working in a bar (far different from our previous story about the conservative Muslim working as cocktail waitress, also in England), a worldly type who had a boyfriend who presumably saw her naked in her ballooned-up form, and may also have been properly educated in the birds and bees.

We also have to ask: did her water not break? What happened to her periods? Didn't the baby ever kick? Didn't anyone else look at her belly and say, "You're not fat, you're pregnant?" And worst of all, considering she was working late nights in a bar, was she boozing it up during the pregnancy? So many questions... the answers for which the silly Telegraph is not revealing. We'll have to send one of our English readers after her for comment...

Related:

Teacher Sex Craze Spreads to the U.K.

Rice University's Sex Magazine A Slap in the Face to Houston Elite

Blonde-Redhead Muslim Woman Sues Bar Over (Conservative) Red Dress

Memo to the Telegraph: If You Cover Up, You're Not Naked

"Dad, Guess Who Lost Their Virginity Last Night?"

Cornell Is Obsessed With Armpit Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:25:00 GMT

The ladies of prostegious Cornell University have an axillism fetish: they all seemingly want their boyfriends to have sex with their (sometimes hairy) armpits...

Axillism is defined by Sex Lexis as "sexual climax achieved by masturbating the penis in the armpit of a partner." At Cornell, apparently, it's known as "Tuesday night."

My boyfriend won’t fuck my armpit.
As far as I can tell, there is no lady-on-lady equivalent, and no name for the desire to be the receiving partner. Which would have been me. If Boyf would have just shut up and done it.
I first found out about axillism right here in The Sun, when my dear friend Ariela Rutkin-Becker printed an article in defense of the armpit called “Pity for the Pits.” In it, Ariela praises the pit and mentions the radical love some have for it with a caveat: “You should keep those personal details to yourself. The world just might not be ready for that quite yet.” Well here we go, world, ready or not.

The writer of the above is Liana Mancini, who continues her Cornell Sun tome by admitting that, prior to growing a forest in her pits, she had no interest in experiencing axillism. Now, even with a disinterested boyfriend (the jerk!), she's even willing to try self-axillism rather than go back to regular sex:

I started with a little touching. Nothing. A little stroking. Still nothing. I talked a little dirty to my pits in the hopes of arousing their inner beasts. Hell, I damn near tried to contort myself so I could see if maybe they just needed insertion from different angles. Nothing! Call me a quitter, but after twenty minutes of trying to woo my tufts into magical sensations, I gave up. I guess a pit-job really is for the benefit of the penis-bearer. But not my penis-bearing boyfriend. Gosh.

Well, there's always vibrators, Liana...

Via the Cornell Sun.

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Your Next Significant Other Should Be...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:12:00 GMT

The Frisky had a post the other day called Your Next Boyfriend: The 100 Qualities He Should Possess.

It created a bit of controversy, mostly blowback from guys who were upset about Entry #13, of course: He "…will be tall."

This, along with some of the other more questionable nominations, got us thinking: what do you want in your next girlfriend, as a response to the Frisky's list, and what should have been on the list or what do you agree/disagree with on the Boyfriend list?

First of all, let's start with Pipi's response:

I think that trying to make a list like this and look for a guy who has all of these qualities will leave you depressed and alone forever. No girl, let alone guy fits all 100 of these things. Id be surprised if I even did half of the things on this list.

And compiler Amelia's reply:

Oh no, it’s not that the guy has to possess everything on this list. It’s that he should possess the qualities on this list that are important to you.

So, keep Amelia's original intentions in mind: what are important qualities to you? We'll start things off:

...will give us the male equivalent of "pampering" once in a while

...will be respectful of our guy friends, even if they don't have the same taste as you, and to not assume all our female friends are ex's

...will give us the benefit of the doubt when we say "no, really, it's just been a rough day."

...will find a city rooftop a pretty romantic place to spend a sunset

And so on... in the comments section, please...

Check out the original story, via the Frisky, before you write in.

Related:

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Lindsay Lohan is in Love With a Woman But Not a Lesbian

Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive: Part One

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Sloppy Seconds: Phillies Fan Gives Her Team A Big Boost

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:40:00 GMT

Janet Jackson canceled the rest of her tour. Wow, she's really going downhill fast, isn't she?

James Bond goes to... Bollywood?

Cheech and Chong want you to vote today. And no, this isn't some Republican trick pulled on our inner-cities.

The National Review, bitter as always, says the youth vote only made up 18% of the total vote. Yes, douceheads, but what about the actual number of youth voters?

And so it begins: the McCain campaign is letting loose on Sarah Palin. My God, if this corrupt and greedy individual had ever become Vice President...

Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman-- that's the name of Anne Hathaway's new boyfriend. Curses!

And Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with twins. Little John Mayer's, you think?

Related:

Men's Health Should Worry More About Men's Sanity

Sloppy Seconds: Which Power Ranger Is Guilty of Murder?

Who Would You Rather: Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Doctor Edition

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Who Would You Rather: The Anne Hathaway Who Enjoys Anal Sex or The Anne Hathaway Who Doesn't?

While You Were Sleeping: The Sexy Mrs. Freddy Kreuger

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:16:00 GMT

We can picture it: a Cleopatra movie starring Catherine Zeta-Jones as the title character and Hugh Jackman as Marc Antony. But a musical? And directed by Steven Soderbergh?

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClelan endorsed Obama on D.L. Hughley's new show. John McCain really needs a high profile endorsement soon-- really, he needs just about anything and everything soon to turn this thing around. Some observers think McCain could be down to funds of only one million dollars a day... you don't even want to know how that compares to Obama's staggering total.

Although we suspect it to be an exaggeration, this is nonetheless the most shocking HIV scare story we can recall...

Students at a suburban St. Louis high school headed to the gymnasium for HIV testing this week after an infected person told health officials as many as 50 teenagers might have been exposed to the virus that causes AIDS.
Officials refused to give details on who the person was or how the students at Normandy High School might have been exposed...
A teacher in a neighboring district singled out a girl who dates someone at Normandy High and instructed her to get tested, Hochstedler said. A competing school's football team initially balked at playing Normandy's 8-0 team.
Jasmine Lane, a 16-year-old sophomore, said her boyfriend from a neighboring high school broke up with her on learning of the news -- after she bought them tickets to homecoming.
"I cried so hard," she said.

There's nothing positive about this story whatsoever. It has the potential to be an explosive, ongoing saga... we'll keep you posted. (Jasmine, we'll totally fly to St. Louis to go to the homecoming with you.)

Yet another downer: a woman was sentenced to forty years in prison. Her crime? Lighting her boyfriend on fire. His? Not beating up the guy who was checking her out.

Anne Hathaway's ex was sentenced yesterday...

A dashing Italian conman who went out with Hollywood actress Anne Hathaway was sentenced by a court in New York on Thursday to four and a half years in prison for fraud. [Yahoo!]

Note to crackheads: it's easy to get busted for faking crack prescriptions... since there's no such thing as a crack prescription.

And this Halloween costume is pretty stupid. Although, we have to admit, Freddy Kreuger has great taste in women.

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Who Would You Rather: The Anne Hathaway...

Alain Baxter's Nude Calendar Artier Than We Expected

Today in F*ck Yeah: Pacman Halloween Costumes

Because It Isn't Halloween Until a Dog Is Wearing a Tiara

Sloppy Seconds: Which Power Ranger Is Guilty of Murder?

Emily Farris — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 21:54:00 GMT

Feeling like you want to do something about Proposition 8 but aren't a card carrying Calinfornia voter or don't have a million dollars to give? Check out 8 Against 8, a group of eight lesbian bloggers who have launched an eight-day collaborative fundraising drive to help defeat the proposition that, if approved, would overturn the ruling that allows gay marraige in California. [8 Against 8]

What would happen if John McCain hired Wes Anderson to make his ads? [FilmDrunk]

Any idea who Anne Hathaway's sexy new mystery man is? [People]

Oh that Jewel. Now that she's a country star she's such a prankster. She had her tour mate Brad Paisley (who's never done anything wrong in his life, apparently) arrested at an airport. [Us]

Reporter Judith Miller (of going to jail/Valerie Plame fame) has joined the Fox News channel as a contributor. [Yahoo!]

And one of the Power Rangers is guilty of one of the most horrific homicides we've heard about in years. Three homicides, in fact. [People]

Halle Berry Has Better Sex Than You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 18:57:00 GMT

Halle Berry is taking advantage of being recently named Esquire's Sexiest Woman in the World with a new interview that will blow most of your minds.

In it, the Oscar-winning actress discusses her sex life and how she's not only the hottest celebrity in the Western world but also its best lay...

Berry says, "You know that stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That's all true, and, in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damn good orgasms.
"(They're) much better orgasms than when I was 22, and I wouldn't let a man control that. Not anymore. Now, I'd invite them to participate.
"I've learned my tricks. I know what I like. I do not wait around. I initiate. And I'm not all about frequency; I favour intensity."
Calling into the Oprah show in America on Friday, Berry revealed she felt inspired to talk openly about her sex life after Esquire named her their sexiest woman.
She said, "I was astonished. I was like, 'I've just had a baby. Don't you guys know..? This isn't the year to pick me for this.' I thought, 'Well, you know, it might be a really good year to talk about some things and talk about what sexy really is.'"
And she joked, "When I mentioned the big 'O' I'm sure when people first read it (article), they thought I was about to talk about Oprah."
Berry admitted that if her romance with boyfriend Gabriel Aubry ever ended, she wouldn't be looking for a toyboy to satisfy her sexually. She confided, "Men in their 20s? Forget it."

We resent that last remark... although we'll keep our weekends open in case she's available to be proved wrong.

Via IMDB.

While You Were Sleeping: Oh, Jeebus... Guess Who's Pregnant Again?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:34:00 GMT

Remember the woman who was allegedly stuck to a toilet for a couple years? Her boyfriend, although charged with a host of crimes in the case, still has time to go out and win the lottery... twice.

We've been waiting for more, um, developments in this case, but nevermind: a Playboy pinup testified in Federal court in the semi-well-known "suitcase full of $800,000" trial.

We absolutely love Nick Nolte. He is a badass without even trying. Check out what he did yesterday:

Nick suffered from "minor smoke inhalation," after attempting to fight a fire with a garden hose at his Malibu home Tuesday, an inspector at the L.A. County Fire Department confirms...

The actor, 67, took action after an electrical malfunction started the blaze in his home office, inspector Ron Haralson told Us. The fire department responded at 11:34 a.m., as TMZ.com first reported.

He didn't run out of the house screaming for help-- he fought that fire until his already-tar-and-smoke-filled lungs couldn't take it anymore. Nice work.

If this is real, then McCain is doomed: one supporter(?) claims to have received a prepaid FedEx return envelope from the McCain campaign asking for a donation. This is either the most desperate fundraising pitch ever or the most ingenious... possibly both.

Speaking of McCain, did you enjoy Tom Brokaw last night? Check him out here, talking about previous electoral campaigns. Pretty interesting.

Cameron Diaz reveals why her relationships don't work out:

"I'm a spoiled brat."

And... well isn't this wonderful? Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again.

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Cameron Diaz Would Like To Date You... If You Meet Her Demands

While You Were Sleeping: The Tim Gunn Lawsuit

Cultural Clusterf*ck: Gossip Girl Meets 30 Rock

Anti-Teen Pregnancy Ad Proves PETA Doesn't Want Animals To Breed?

Gov. Declares Emergency: Man Stuck To A Port-A-Potty

Woman Takes Two Year Dump, Doesn't Get Dumped

While You Were Sleeping: Beyonce Is One Sexy Cop

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 13:59:00 GMT

If you're out walking your dog naked, watch out for tasers.

No one should be surprised that the oil companies are corrupt, least of all Chevron.

A man heard noises in his daughter's bedroom and crept in, lead pipe in hand. He saw a naked male he did not recognize standing on the bed with his back to the door...

[The father] swung a metal pipe. He then chased the teen out the front door and called police.

The boy [who turned out to be the daughter's secret, yearlong boyfriend] was taken to the hospital where doctors closed a head wound with staples. Colon was charged with aggravated battery on a child and bonded out on $10,000. [Local 6]

You know, we kind of feel bad for the Dad... maybe we wouldn't have whacked the naked man with a pipe, but we probably would have at least tried to take the guy down... no?

A man threw a $10,000 bar mitzvah for his beloved thirteen-year-old. In most places, that would be on the cheaper side, if not for the fact that the thirteen-year-old we're referring to is his dog.

lvis Best’s “bark mitzvah,” held last August, was attended by more than thirty of father’s friends (including Dr. Ruth and Patti LuPone. The festivities, held at Sammy’s Roumanian Steakhouse, featured many traditional moments—including the reading of the torah—and plenty of dancing. Elvis even got a Louis Vuitton dog collar as a gift.

Shoot us now. In other news:

46-year-old intellectual/author/footnote dweeb David Foster Wallace committed suicide by hanging himself.

Who'd complain about a hot sex scene with Thandie Newton? Not Gerard Butler, star of Guy Ritchie's upcoming film...

Beyonce was in New York filming her new video the other day (it's for her lead single "If I Were A Boy," which we hope is as hot as the title makes it sound)

Thanks, Immora!

Related:

Breaking News: Beyonce Is Now White

"This Is The City's Response To A Penis"...

75 Nude Bicyclists Rally Around Dad And His 3-Year-Old

Hot Or Not: Skinny Actresses

Starpulse's Celebs Who Should Go Nude: Who's Missing?

We Call B.S. on Super Sexist "Daily Mail" Article

Cameron Diaz Would Like To Date You... If You Meet Her Demands

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:48:00 GMT

Cameron Diaz, in this month's InStyle cover story, has said the perfect man (at least for her) will meet the following diva-like demands.

Actually, they're pretty reasonable...

"My list is all about balance. You can have smart but not funny. You can have funny but not very smart.
"You can have intellectual but not social. But I want it all!
"I love big brains, I love to eat, I love to be outdoors, I love to have conversations, I love to make love.
"I don't do anything half-assed and I want someone who can keep up with all that."

In other words: she's looking for a smart guy who isn't necessarily funny (or vice versa), intellectual and not annoying to your friends, eats a lot, goes out in the woods for a hike on occasion, is good in bed, can carry on a decent conversation after sex, and is 100% committed to life.

Right.

And what do they get in return?

“I know I have what a 25 year old has, but she doesn’t have what I have. My boobs and butt aren’t doing too bad either, know what I mean?”

Oh, we know, Miss Diaz, we know. Sure, you may be smokin' hot and have somewhat reasonable demands, but what's it like dating you?

“I’m a woman, of course I’m dating. I trust my judgment, if I’m not sure about him, I’m cautious”

“I thought I would be married and have three kids by the time I was 22. Am I going to have a baby? Who knows? I don’t. I’m not going to live my life looking just for that."

Before you get too excited, remember that Miss Diaz has a boyfriend already... so, in the end, this is all just a big tease...

Via IMDB and Daily Stab.

While You Were Sleeping: Is Rob Lowe A Dirty, Old Flasher?

Video of the Day: Scary Indian Dating Show

This Week In Gayness: The Saxon Warrior Lovers

Is Jessica Simpson Headed for a Life of Bad Clothes and TV Dinners?

This Weekend In Missed Connections: Bus Driver Blues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 14:16:00 GMT

When Missed Connections first took off on Craigslist, we were already hooked. Now, years later, we seem to be falling into the same trap: checking to see what insane things happened on your Saturday night...

First up, a bus driver makes a new pair of friends he's calling "The Double D's..."

you were walking west on e86st and 2nd ave at 1:40am Sunday(TODAY).I was driving the m15 bus. You tapped on my buses windshield smiled at me and wow'd me.Then you realized that you were showing me your Victorias Secret.
You then WOW'D me for real,with those Double D"s.And they were oh so perfect.
I want to thank you for that. And to let you know that i will be at the same place tonight at 1:11am,hoping that you show up and wow me again.But this time I want your number.

Ha-- a bus driver that knows exactly what time he's arriving at a stop? Nice try, buddy...

Next up... a total fake, but bonus points for being able to carry on tiresome puns for so long. It is from someone who claims to have been at the beach on Saturday:

I saw you holding your pole, wow that was one of the biggest poles I ever saw. I was wearing a blue bikini as bait and I caught you, and I mentioned I had a nice little clam, you seemed very interested, you were grinning and licking your lips saying you loved eating fresh raw clam and you also said you loved going deep sea diving or was that just deep diving? ;) I was afraid you thought I was shallow, but I think you could tell I ran as deep as the ocean. I also feared you thought I was fishing for compliments, and well I fell for you hook, line and sinker. [This goes on for ages... then...] I shore like you! If you see this [should've written "sea this"-- oh man, we're getting sucked in now...] please please please talk to me I am the little blond shrimp with big puffers! And baby next time let's have a clam bake,yummmmmmmmmmm

This is one you only need the title for: girl who let one go on the toilet seat at monster island on saturday - m4w

Here's one that isn't creepy for a change:

You were waiting for your date (boyfriend?) for about 30 minutes. Then when he got there, he was on the phone or his blackberry most of the time. I was at a table with some friends across from you in a dark blue t-shirt. Please, please... get rid of that guy.

Here's a guy who's just waiting for someone, anyone, to respond to his posts:

What BOOK are you reading??????????? - m4w
Lately you can be found reading a book on your break / lunch. Does this describe you? If it does, hit me up and we'll find out if youre the one Im looking for!

It describes everyone, dude...

Sharing Granola at the Boise CO-OP on Saturday Aug. 23rd - m4w
Are you out there?? We were at the Granola dispensers and i was dishing out some different kinds for us to sample.

I got tied up shopping for our BurningMan trip and when i came to my senses and looked for you, you were already gone.

Nope, these aren't stereotypes, they're real people...

Here's an arbitrary redirect to the Boston Missed Connections...

Related:

Making Stripteases A Cinch: Dita Von Teese Shills For Wonderbra

No Longer Missing the Missed Connections

When Missed Connections Aren't Special Enough For Your Mystery Dream Girl

"I had bedbugs, you had herpes."

Times Trend Alert: People Have Sex With People They Know

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Moss Doing Nude Orgy For Music Video

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 13:18:00 GMT

The Dalai Lama is too exhausted for a world tour-- even a world tour that involves medical testing.

The first woman to ever face bigamy charges in Kentucky is on the run. Warning: do not marry this crazy nutjob.

Led Zeppelin have returned to the studio! Oh, but there's a small catch...

Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham have been working on new material - without frontman Robert Plant.
Drummer Bonham... admits the new songs could be destined for a new Led Zeppelin album...

He says, "At the moment, all I know is I have the great pleasure to go and jam with the two guys and start work on some material. When I get there (in the studio) I never ask any questions..." [Starpulse]

Dr. Dre's son died over the weekend.

Madonna compares McCain to Hitler in her new in-concert video.

The Game stepped up the rap community's attacks on Jesse Jackson.

Yes, you read that headline right: Kate Moss' boyfriend is in a band called We Are (Not) Sex People, known for their terrible name. The lead singer says that Moss will appear, in the buff but filmed discreetly, in the middle of an orgy in a brothel:

Frontman Dan Summers commented: "Jamie [Hince, Moss's boyfriend] has nothing to worry about but there will be lots of nudity.

"Kate will play a sexy, young version of Cynthia [Payne, a famous London madam.] And we’d all give our right ears to be that bunny rabbit she fools around with."

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: More Naughty Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked

Why Did Jesse Jackson Attack Obama?

Sloppy Seconds: Ron Wood's Mistress In The Buff

Fox News Thinks Madonna Broke A-Rod's Rod

Does Madonna Have A Sex Tape And Do We Want To See It?

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Shoots Boyfriend Over $150

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 21:09:00 GMT

A top Superior Court official in Cobb County, Georgia resigned after the following allegations were made public:

Sex in a judge's chambers, trysts at local hotels during business hours, obscene phone calls to female workers and a desire to see lesbian sex are among the many accounts of what was going on... for the past two decades.

A new study indicates the pill may lead women to make incorrect mating decisions. Hmm... no comment.

And Paris Hilton is being sued for

declining self-promotion for the first time in her life, TMZ reports that she's being sued for it:
Her 2006 "comedy" "National Lampoon's Pledge This!" was apparently so bad, even Paris wouldn't shill for it. Worldwide Entertainment Group says she got paid a mil — a mil, folks — to act in the movie and then push it on TV and radio. They say she didn't do the latter and so they're going after her in Federal court.

A stripper and another possible shooter wounded the stripper's (ex-)boyfriend over a whopping $150 debt.

Ha, ha: A judge in California allowed the state's colleges to deny entry to Christian students who learned about the Bible instead of evolution.

Obama supporter or just crazy idiot? An overzealous supporter sent Cindy McCain to the hospital today with a "crushing" handshake.

Wait, aren't Pam and Tommy Lee still together? Guess not.

And George W. Bush is sending US troops and sexy socialite Condi Rice to rescue Georgia from a ~~Soviet~~ Russian invasion.

China Says "Virgins Get Better Husbands"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:29:00 GMT

While we were pleasantly surprised to learn that women in China still give birth to girls, we were nonetheless puzzled by this story in the Southern Weekly, one of the country's last bastions of progressivism...

Shen Fan's "chastity education" lasted over ten years. When Shen Fan was in middle school, she hardly played with boys, let alone went to any parties. She didn't play with boys, she didn't feel she needed to. Even now, she never goes home later than 9 o'clock when she is with her family on holidays.

Sometimes her mother tells Shen Fan her own story: When she was sent to the countryside during the Cultural Revolution, she and her girlfriends were determined not to marry peasants. Their determination paid off: after they went back to the cities, all of the "sisters" got married with government cadres, doctor and businessman—all of them urbanites. Every time Shen's mother meets these friends, she becomes even more proud of the right choice she made.

"My parents believe that the most important thing for a woman is to marry into a good family, and losing virginity before marriage is losing competitiveness, which may lead to losing an opportunity of a good marriage," said Shen Fan.

Is a girl who remains a virgin until marriage more likely to find a wonderful, sexually fulfilling husband (not that the Chinese government wants that), or a guy who is just interested in conquering a virgin, then will run off to start the cheating? Or something else?

Anyway, that's all beside the point-- check out the closing paragraph of the article, which will only further confuse you:

Now Shen Fan has a new boyfriend, but she has not told her parents, because he cannot meet her parents' standards for a prospective son-in-law. Another thing she does not want to let her parents know is that they had sex. Shen Fan said she tries to avoid wearing warm-colored clothes because that makes her feel less guilty.

Wait-- this is a story about chastity that ends with an unlocking of the chastity belt? Perhaps the writer had trouble finding any Chinese teenagers that were still virgins.

Meanwhile, the chastity and abstinence movement rolls on, further ignoring the statistics that say the program is only backfiring...

Via Danwei.

The Ew! True Heatherwood Story: Sex, Sex, Sex!

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 15:11:00 GMT

"Researchers" have been digging into Heather Mills' past and have collected a bunch of her ex-boyfriends/lovers/etc for a documentary that one producer is calling "the program Sir Paul should have seen before he decided to get married."

"[They] have found some things she'll probably not be too happy to see again. She's tough and she's bounced back before. But she's worried this could lead to further problems for her in Britain."

While we're sure there's plenty of dirt on Ms. Mills, we'll have a hard time taking this documentary seriously. That doesn't mean we're not going to invite friends over and make popcorn and yell things like "nasty Bitch!," "dirty ho!" and "aw, snap!" at the television screen.

[Gabby Babble: Heather Mills Sex Life to Be Exposed on TV]

Woman Takes Two Year Dump, Doesn't Get Dumped

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 12:30:00 GMT

We dare you to beat the headline for this story of the woman in Kansas (not Kansas City, Scanner Emily) who perched on her boyfriend's toilet for two uninterrupted years. We'd like to know not only how she managed to survive this ordeal but how she was able to maintain an ongoing, healthy relationship with the man whose toilet she was hogging.

The unidentified woman kept telling her unidentified boyfriend that she might leave the bathroom "tomorrow," but didn't until this week, when he finally reported her to authorities. We're assuming this woman is very much in the John Nash way-- meaning, she has greater issues than the world's most brutal case of constipation.

Finally, Googling "woman + toilet" every four minutes has paid off, as we came across this story last night on the AP wire:

it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

Next time, would someone please invite us to the press conference so we can ask the following burning questions:

1. Where did the boyfriend shit?

2. What did it feel like to have a toilet growing out of your ass?

3. Who is this fuckin' loser?! And no, we don't mean the woman who refused to piss or get off the pot. Clearly, the boyfriend does not think he can do better than a woman who blocks up his sewage pipe, earns no money while he works (we're assuming), and waited for twenty-four months before notifying the police that his relationship was in deep shit.

4. Assuming they had sex during this two year "shit-in," shall we say, how did they... wait, nevermind, we don't want to know.

More about this amazing story and its ongoing developments... via Yahoo!

[Thanks to Marco for his assistance.]

Sloppy Seconds: Lindsay Lohan and Kirsten Dunst Found Love in Rehab, And So Can You

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 22:33:00 GMT

Kirsten Dunst may have found her newst boyfriend in rehab—and at the same clinic where Lindsay Lohan hooked up with Riley Giles. Maybe it's time for a little vacay from the whiskey?

Speaking of Lindsay, she would like you to remember that she's much more than an actress, nude model and party girl. Bitch can sing. Or so she says. We've never actually heard her sing beyond "Santa Baby" in Mean Girls, but that wasn't so bad.

The New Yorker's "Talk of the Town" explores the history of the everything bagel, but does not explain why coffee shops and restaurants don't order more everything than everything else. They're always gone by noon. And not just on Sundays. Today we had our egg sandwich on a sesame bagel, which was fine, but it would have been so much better on an everything bagel!

Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons is dead at 69. We still don't really know what Dungeons & Dragons is, and we're kind-of proud of that.

Snow for breakfast: no longer as simple as don't eat the yellow stuff.