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We Finally Figured Out Why Marilyn Manson Dumped Dita Von Teese...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 18:33:00 GMT

For a long time, we thought Marilyn Manson was crazy for dumping his new wife, Dita Von Teese (Dita Von TEESE, for God's sake!) for some teenage actress named Evan Rachel Wood. Wood, we thought, wasn't even the femme fatale type, while Von Teese is practically the textbook definition. Then again, it's our own fault for not realizing Marilyn Manson was crazy beforehand.

Now comes word that a) Marilyn Manson has apologized to Von Teese for leaving her in the lurch and b) has gotten back together with his onetime flame. Wood, meanwhile, is moving rapidly toward stardom thanks to the new Woody Allen movie and this GQ photo spread...

Despite her breakout roles in mainstream movies like The Wrestler and scandal-free lifestyle, she still scares the crap out of us. (In her GQ interview, she laments the loss of her pet rats.) After all,

this is the girl who, at age 19, shot a blood-spattered sex scene with her boyfriend, Marilyn Manson, for one of his rock videos.
More recently, she was linked with her Wrestler co-star, the 56-year-old Mickey Rourke. “There was no truth to it, and it was so annoying,” says Wood, now 21, who is back with Manson after “taking some time” away from the relationship. Of Rourke, she says: “The friendship was intimate and nice, and this makes it weird.”

Via GQ.

Related:

Sexy Tattoos From The Pre-Badass Era

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Sloppy Seconds: Evan Rachel Wood Isn't the Only One Tapping That

While You Were Sleeping: Morrissey Gets Naked For CD Sales

Sloppy Seconds: Evan Rachel Wood Goes There, We Lose Our Lunch

While You Were Sleeping: Foxy Brown Joins The Nipple Slip Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:12:00 GMT

Charley Pride: country music legend and our Hero of the Day, no question.

This man's stripper addiction costs him pretty much his entire salary. Dude, you can rent a harem in most countries, including the US, every night of the week, for what you're throwing away in English pounds.

Spencer Tunick won't be showing naked Irish people to Ireland after all.

This is a tragic(ally hilarious?) tale of Mile High Club action gone wrong.

Don't text while driving-- it can cost you years of prison time.

Google Voice is coming to the iPhone. In other news, Scanner Brian may be coming to the iPhone today...

We told you about how meddling Puritan Republicans basically banned porn at Maryland State schools. Thankfully, the students aren't giving up
so easily...

Did Sam and Lindsay really break up this time? And does this mean this is the last time we'll ever have to mention their names in writing?

And Foxy Brown slipped a nip in concert. That is all you need to know.

Website Stockpiles Your Worst In-Flight Experiences

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Ryanair Stewardess Wants You to Join Her Mile High Club

Sloppy Seconds: Gwyneth Paltrow Has a Cure for Joaquin Phoenix

Gmail's April Fool's Prank Helps You End Lame Relationships

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:51:00 GMT

Google has been up to their usual April 1st shenanigans all day long, first with the gBall (from today's While You Were Sleeping post) and now with the Gmail prank, called the Autopilot, which saves you the trouble of actually responding to all the idiots who crowd your inbox with obnoxious invoices, outstanding debt reminders, and passive-aggressive jokes about your relationship.

Oh, if only this was real. By the way, we can see the page because we're signed into Gmail, but if you're still one of those sad AOL or Hotmail people, here are the highlights:

But our favorite part-- by far-- is the Frequently Asked Questions section:

FAQ

How does Gmail mirror my communication style?
The more Gmail messages Autopilot can sample, the better. With fewer than 100 messages, there may not be enough data to calibrate Autopilot effectively. You can adjust tone, typo propensity, and preferred punctuation from the Autopilot tab under Settings.

Ah, Gmail, we do appreciate you so... even though you'll never make this prank a reality...

Photo via. More foolishness via Google. If the above photos are too small, click them for a new window and resize.

Related:

New York Times: Iraq War Ends

A History of MIT Pranks, In Glorious Pictures...

People are Jokesters Today!

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Dies in A Freak Car Accident

While You Were Sleeping: Jen and John Redux

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The Iraqi shoe thrower was sentenced to three years in prison. Come on, even if this happened in Texas while Bush was Governor, he probably wouldn't have received such a lengthy prison term.

Radiohead to a vindictive Miley Cyrus: shut up and "grow up."

This mama monkey in Thailand shows her incredibly cute lil' monkey offspring how to floss with human hair. And they say evolution is a myth.

Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole Smith's doctor were charged with being complete assholes to her, basically helping her die young.

A great many teens appear to blame Rihanna for Chris Brown going medieval on her. Where does this kind of thinking come from? The parents?

Ashley Alexandra Dupree is getting spiritual advice from... Russell Simmons? Not that we're against it, but we're hoping he's advising her to abandon her singing career.

It seems John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up again. Moving along...

And Will Ferrel will broadcast his Broadway show on HBO at 9pm EST on Saturday.

While You Were Sleeping: The Wrestler And That Video Game

Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

Crush of the Week: Carrie Brownstein

Top 10 Breakup Songs

Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Finally Speaks Out About Brad Pitt

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:12:00 GMT

A rabbi says he was able to conquer his fear of Nazis... by playing Call of Duty.

First, it was Bob Dole with the Tarantino movies. Now, it's Gary Sinise and Redacted. Why is it the conservatives always attack movies they haven't even seen?

Chris Brown and Rihanna are... writing a book? And it's about domestic abuse?!

Let The Right One In and Milk were released on DVD yesterday. Both are highly recommended.

Jennifer Aniston said she will "always love Brad Pitt" and hopes that they'll be friends again someday.

Oh no... Jamie Lynn Spears is planning to enter a recording studio to make a country album.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are working it out. Sorry, dudes.

There are over 2,000 registered sex offenders on MySpace... 2,000 registered sex offenders just from North Carolina. In other news, people are still "on" MySpace.

And is Jim Cramer the meanest, loudest, most awful crybaby? Well, no, that's Bill O'Reilly, but Cramer does come pretty close at times.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

Top 10 Breakup Songs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 19:22:00 GMT

We gave you a partial day off yesterday to help you (us) recover from Valentine's Day. Were there any casualties on the field?

If so, then it's true... breakup season has begun... and with it comes a playlist to help you make it through the night...

10. Bob Marley & The Wailers - No Woman, No Cry. Bob Marley's anthemic reggae single from 1974 was actually (allegedly) written by a guy who worked at a local soup kitchen. Either that or Marley wanted to ensure the guy received enough in royalties to keep his charitable organization alive. In any case, it's impossible to not be uplifted by this chorus-- although many have often tried to interpret it. "Does it mean because he has a woman, he isn't crying or what?" Choice lyrics: "My feet is my only carriage/So I've got to push on through/But while I'm gone, I mean: Everything's gonna be all right!" Mood: Ready to embrace life again.

9. Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way. From 1977's smash Rumours album, this is the only song on our list written as a breakup song from one band member to another-- in this case, from Buckingham to Nicks. Strangely enough, Nicks knew the song was about her and agreed to sing it... although she asked Lindsay to remove the choice line "Packing up, shacking up is all you want to do" because she never cheated on him. He disagreed or at least didn't want to remove it and the song stands as is. Mood: Venting, prone to leaving epic voice mails.

8. Elvis Presley - Heartbreak Hotel. The biggest song of 1956 is still a great breakup song more than four decades later. It's combo of somber lyrics and an infectuous melody is the perfect combination when you're in the mood for a sympathetic soul and inspiration to go forward. And, of course, it's always worth a listen in any situation. Choice lyrics: All of them, but particularly the opening: "Well, since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell/Its down at the end of lonely street/At heartbreak hotel." Mood: Lonely, in need of a lift.

7. Alanis Morrisette - You Ought Know. We never liked this or any of her songs, especially after we learned "You Oughta Know" is about that douche from that awful Full House show, but you can't argue with the anger here. Or those choice lyrics: "Would she go down on you in a theater?" Sadly, she will not. Mood: If you're the breaker-upper and you're not sure the switch was the best move.

6. Ani DiFranco - Untouchable Face. Maybe it's because of who we hung out with and where we grew up, but it seemed like every girl we went to high school with popped this in their CD player and hit repeat when they got dumped. Those choice lyrics "fuck you in your untouchable face/fuck you for existing in the first place" may have had something to do with it. Mood: Angry, wishing you weren't still in love.

5. Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now. Mitchell's classic folk tune from the late sixties is often interpreted as reflections by a narrator who has seen the two viewpoints of everything in life, but particularly love. At first, she sees love as a fairytale and isn't prepared for the reality, that not everything will be perfect. Once she's reconciled to this, the narrator is finally able to take on a relationship full prepared. Choice lyrics: "I've looked at love from both sides now/From give and take, and still somehow/It's loves illusions I recall/I really don't know love at all." Also: "Tears and fears and feeling proud/To say I love you right out loud." Mood: Reflective and ready.

4. Paul Simon - 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover. Not all breakup songs have to be from the point-of-view of a lover. Remember, your friends can hate your ex's, too. Choice lyrics: "Just slip out the back, Jack/Make a new plan, Stan/Don't need to be coy, Roy/Just get yourself free." Mood: Glad you listened to your friends in getting out of that one by the skin of your teeth.

3. Bob Dylan - Tangled Up in Blue. During the mid-seventies, while undergoing a rough period in the relationship with his wife, Dylan lived in New York City and began studying painting. His new-found love of art and his relationship weigh in equally on his 1974 album Blood on the Tracks, which depicts a series of breakups in its songs, all with nonlinear narratives and unfinished portraits of the characters. The obvious example is, of course, Tangled Up In Blue, which shifts back and forth through time, ending with the immortal final stanza and its memorable lyric "Now I'm going back to her again/I got to get to her somehow" and the last lines "We always did feel the same/We just saw it from a different point of view/Tangled up in blue." Thanks to these pleas, he was able to get his relationship going for three more years until he blew it for the last time. Choice lyrics: "And when finally the bottom fell out/I became withdrawn/The only thing I knew how to do/Was to keep on keepin' on like a bird that flew/Tangled up in blue." Mood: Devastated.

2. Smokey Robinson & the Miracles - The Tracks of My Tears. This is the "I don't care about you" song that lets them know that, deep down, you really do care. If you see him with another girl, just remember that she's just his rebound babe and that the one he really wants is you... whenever you're ready to come back around. As Oliver Stone says over a scene featuring this tune on the Platoon DVD commentary: "Humanity is engraved in this music." Choice lyrics: "So take a good look at my face/You'll see my smile looks out of place/If you look closer it's easy to trace/The tracks of my tears." Mood: Not over you, leaving that door open, but on the rebound.

1. Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive. It's hard to imagine that people have made breakup song lists that not only haven't placed this at #1, but have left them off entirely. At least they could've included that funkified Cake cover. Anyway, what can we say about this song that isn't obvious: it's a disco classic, it's a breakup song, and it's sappy and motivational. Choice lyrics: "Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive/I've got all my life to live/I've got all my love to give and I'll survive/I will survive." Mood: Tony Cliftonesque.

Honorable Mention: Hurt - Johnny Cash; The One I Love - r.e.m.; Hit the Road Jack - Ray Charles; Always on My Mind - Elvis Presley / Willie Nelson. What songs have gotten you through a bad breakup?

Playlist:

The Tracks Of My Tears [Single Version (Mono)]

Link to mp3 of Both Sides Now

Tangled Up In Blue

Go Your Own Way [LP Version]

50 Ways To Leave Your Lover [Album Version]

Related:

Top 10 Cover Songs of All-Time

Top 10 Sexiest Album Covers of All Time

Amazon Giving Away Lots of Great mp3's

7 Breakup Tips

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:42:00 GMT

It's not yet "Breakup Season," which one of our ex-girlfriends claim takes place mid-summer, but this morning, we came across a great and epic story about getting over lost love. Read up now, and keep this handy in case D-Day arrives...

Here are the 7 tips for getting over that relationship that almost was. Surprisingly, "cranking up 'Tangled Up in Blue'" or "throwing a television out the window for catharsis" are not among the steps:

1. Letting Go

2. Release Tension and Bundled Up Energy [Hmm, we can think of a way to accomplish both of those at the same time...]

3. Love Yourself

4. Love Your Ex-Partner

5. Give it Time

6. Journal Your Experience

7. Read Something Inspirational

We have to disagree with at least one of those on a personal level-- not everyone enjoys journaling, particularly us blogger types that write all the damn day and want nothing to do with scribbling once the workday is wrapped. Does anyone have anything to add?

You can read the full explanations of these 7 steps, plus some personal musings by the post's author, at this site.

That's Some Scary Voodoo Sh*t Right There...

Get in the Friday Zone: Aunt Janice Rules (Video)

Spirit Airlines Releases Sex Commercial, Pisses Everyone Off

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Crushing News

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

The Black Crowes are taking recording back to the era of the basement-- the basement tapes, that is. They'll perform four sold-out concerts at Levon Helm's house and use them for their next record.

Watch Richard Simmons, our personal hero, attack a CNN interviewer's foot live on air.

A four-year-old boy named Nathan Beavers shot his eighteen-year-old male babysitter for...? Ha-- you guessed wrong-- Beavers shot the babysitter for stepping on his foot.

Gaza kids spoke out about how the violence has ruined their lives.

John Travolta's kid's death was caused by a seizure disorder. (Damn, all this sad news about children today-- if anyone hears about a kid sending his allowance to Darfur, let us know.)

Patricia Arquette is getting divorced. Rihanna is getting engaged. And, as we've already mentioned, Jennifer Love Hewitt isn't getting married...

...and Lindsay Lohan is allegedly done with Samantha Ronson. Think she got dumped?

Related:

Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Every Time Lindsay Lohan Has a Drink, Deborah Norville Gets a New Fur Coat

The Halo Wedding: More Pathetic Than the Second Life Divorce?

Hey, Cheap Rent! Oh, Wait... The Fine Print Is Pretty Insane...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:45:00 GMT

How many of you would move to Manhattan if you landed an apartment for less than $3,000 a month? Now, how many of you would take the place if it was in the happening East Village for $325, rent stabilized?

Put your hands down, because as you may have suspected, this one's a ripoff even at those prices...

This is a post we came across on Craig's List (to our friends out there who are reading this-- no, we're not moving-- but Good God, if this had been for real, we would be breaking leases left and right to make it happen). (Emphasis added.)

$325 EAST VILLAGE- Controlled and large 3 bed (East Village) (map)

-Wow…I can’t believe I am doing this..But I am looking for someone to rent my rent controlled apartment. The monthly rent is extremely cheap and would be a dream for many people in this city. It is in the east village close to A and 3rd. I caught my wife in bed with our neighbor who is almost 20 years younger than her. She is refusing to move out and still seeing him when I am at work, on my bed…I need someone to move in and help me get her out. Man or woman. My plan is to act like we are a couple until she can’t take it anymore. I have done everything possible to try and get her out..But she is a scumbag….So we need to create some type of plan that would get her out..i would charge you very cheap and all you would have to do is act like we are dating. We might have to kiss if front her and make fake sounds when we are in the bedroom. Please respond with a detailed description of your plan to get her out and a little about your self. You could live there after she is out and unless we fall in love we don’t have to do anything else.

Right... you don't have to do anything else. Wow-- we knew that some people too breakups a little hard and rebounds with unwarranted seriousness, but Holy Christ-- this is worse than those ads that start "I'm a downtown businessman with no time for a girlfriend; so, if you want to be my roommate, I only have one requirement: wear this French maid outfit at all times..."

Via Craig's List.

Related:

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Vegas Is Boring, So Thank God Atlantic City's Still Sleazy...

Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

News Anchor Fired After His Swingers Craigslist Ad Cracks Up The Office

That's Some Scary Voodoo Sh*t Right There...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:58:00 GMT

Astrology, religion, tarot cards, a left-wing President, voodoo-- all hoaxes to us. But although we would never fall into a trap set by a black magic healer and his wife, we understand that some people are so desperate to make changes in their lives, that they would even give up their bodies on the off chance it could turn things around...

(Remember-- there are no gods, curses, angels, miracles, Chicagoan saviors, or legitimate fortune tellers. If ever a man approaches you and offers to remove "a curse," tell him "that's the worst pickup line you've ever heard," kick him squarly in the groin, and take off running before the police arrive.)

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, Frances Psichogios and her husband Tony Golossian tricked at least two women into having sex with them over a period of several years in order to "cure" the woman of a supposed curse. When the women's lives didn't seem to turn around, they went to the police, who arrested the voodoo king and queen for forced non consensual sex.

We'd like to know what it was that these women were trying to get rid of. A painful breakup? An STD? Or did it have absolutely nothing to do with sex at all? Scary stuff in any case...

Related:

Take Us To Detroit: Site of this Weekend's Biggest Orgy

Vegas Is Boring, So Thank God Atlantic City's Still Sleazy...

While You Were Sleeping: Viva Bettie Page

Louisiana Teacher Gets Closer to Student By Sleeping with His Father

While You Were Sleeping: What Men Think Women Think Men Want

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Shots were fired at the motorcades of the Presidents of Georgia and Poland, although no one was hit.

A drag queen hosted a Miss Texas pageant, to the obvious horror of parents.

A boy in Florida was arrested for something heinous. No, we mean the reason he was arrested was heinous. Oh, never mind, you'll see:

Maybe the 13-year-old student at Martin County's Spectrum Junior/Senior High thought he was being funny by repeatedly and purposely passing gas during computer class.
His teacher, D.C. Carden, didn't bust a gut over the boy's breaking wind - not to mention his continuous turning off classroom computers - so he gave the boy a referral and sent him packing to the school resource officer for a little talk. "He subsequently informed me it was factual, and I informed him as a result of his behavior he was being charged with Disruption of a School Function,"

The boy was arrested for farting. He was released to his mom. No word on what he did in the car on the way home. [Blogs.Tampabay.com]

A teacher denied an inappropriate relationship with a young girl... until the girl was found in his closet. Whoops.

Hate crime is on the rise in Utah, down everywhere else.

A town near Barcelona is using solar panels atop gravestones to power itself.

They finally caught the Butt Bandit we warned you about.

11 Things He Wants From You, according to a male writer at MSN.

Boris Becker was dumped by text message. The woman in question was his fiancee.

And Madonna wants Britney Spears to move into her place... as some sort of ploy to get her back into Kabbalah... or something.

Related:

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

20-Year-Old Teacher Strips For Her Students

While You Were Sleeping: Nude Photo Hoax

Sloppy Seconds: The Sheep Beauty Pageant

Cheerleaders "Streak" High School Football Game

Hot Teacher Caught After Three-Year Affair With Female Student

The Town Of Valentine, Nebraska Is Under Attack From The Butt Bandit

While You Were Sleeping: When MySpace Attacks...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:52:00 GMT

An eldery woman in Evanston, Illinois couldn't bear to part with her three siblings after their deaths. Turns out, she decided to keep their bodies in her home...and got away with it for a quarter of a century.

Natalie Portman was kinda wasted on the Letterman show the other night.

One of our favorite country music legends has lung cancer...

Country singer Merle Haggard, recently diagnosed with lung cancer, had part of a lung removed and is recovering at home, his spokeswoman said on Sunday. [Yahoo!]

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson... not totally broken up?

As if MySpace wasn't going downhill already: now it's censoring one of the only pages anyone would ever actually sign in to MySpace to read.

A nationwide protest of California's Proposition 8 will take place on Saturday the 15th. Do not miss this.

And Nicole Kidman is playing "the world's first post-op transsexual," who is married to a woman played by "Charlize Theron." Yum.

Related:

How The World Watches Porn Now

Top 5 Sex Scenes Featuring Nicole Kidman

Top 5 Sex Scenes From "Chick Flicks"

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Comedies

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Get Scurrred

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 22:06:00 GMT

Barack Obama is up to 364 electoral votes after winning North Carolina. Meanwhile, Oregon has a new Democratic Senator.

Anti-Prop 8 people rioted in the streets of California, which is today the most bigoted, shameful state in the union. Fall Out Boy's Patrick Stump: "It's a real shame people are mixing up their church and state."

Joe Jonas didn't deserve her awesomeness anyway...

Ellen DeGeneres
says on her talk show (airing Nov. 11), “He broke up with you on the phone? That’s not right.”

Taylor responds; “It’s all right - I’m cool. You know what, it’s like, when I find that person that is right for me, he’ll be wonderful When I look at that person, I’m not even going to remember the boy who broke up with me over the phone in 27 seconds when I was 18.”

Ellen was shocked by Taylor’s honesty, saying, “No, you did not. Aw, snap!” [Just Jared]

We can't say we disagree with London's decision to ban smokers from adopting children, although we wish people would spend more time trying to actually get orphans adopted.

We're still trying to figure out why this creep falls so quickly after trying to attack a girl in an elevator, but we're happy watching it over and over again just to see the ass kicking he deservedly receives.

Charlie Sheen denies a report that he was enjoying lapdances recently, perhaps because he has pregnant wife at home.

Evan Rachel Wood finally came to her senses and dumped Marilyn Manson.