Scanner : breakups

Website Tracks the Worst Personal Ads From Desperate Dudes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:32:00 GMT

Why Women Hate Men is another one of these websites/blogs designed by guys who are trying to impress women by how much they, too, "despise all the loser single dudes out there so pick me pick me!"

We must point out that, like all men, the individual purporting to be this site's webmaster is a dangerous degenerate. And if you think I'm being sarcastic or "humorous," you are sadly, sadly mistaken. (See above photo of owner for explanation.)

Here are some of this individuals examples of "why women remain single." We thought it was because moving costs are skyrocketing, but it shows you what we know about dating:

feeling very needy right now-39M

my girlfreind left me for another man leaving me all alone, Do you want to be helper in making my life better, I need someone to take care of me and cook for me help me wash my clothes and help me going to work until my car is fixed. I am 6 feet tall and avergae sized, would like to meet women, and please have car for work, i will try and help you pay you back. i am alergic to cats also so don't have cats

ALLOW ME TO HELP SOLVE YOUR HUSBANDS INFERTILITY PROBLEM

I am a 56 year old male. I have decided to get a vasectomy next month and I would like to impregnate a woman before I have this procedure done. It would behoove you to act quickly for maximum exposure to my sperm. I will only do this naturally without condoms. If your husband can't do the job, I can.

Having been asked previously by several couples who were friends of mine to donate sperm, I learned from their doctors that I have an extreme sperm level. I can give you multiple loads of sperm per meeting to increase your chances of getting pregnant.

Many of my physical traits are influenced by recessive genes. Therefore, it is most likely that the child would resemble the mother in most instances. It will be easy to deceive your family and friends into thinking it is your husbands child. It will be our secret. You will not see me again.

If you are 18-24, healthy, attractive, I am available to you. I will be very attentive, supportive, and encouraging, during this process. My vasectomy is in 5 weeks so it would behoove you to contact me as soon as possible.

Just a shot in the dark here, but I've been trying out VigRX for a little while now, and I do notice that I'm getting harder and longer lasting erections (while in self-satisfying mode). It's supposed to be a penis enlargement pill, but apparently it has viagra like qualities as well. I do feel a lot harder. Before, I couldn't keep it up for very long with my girlfriend, but now I think that it might be helping.

Was wondering if any ladies out there would like to help me give it a test run before I try it on my girlfriend. She won't be back for a week so I just want to make sure. Steven XXX-XXX-XXXX

I Know How To Make You Cum. Even If You Haven't Before.

And I know how to do it too. I got some pointers listening to some woman on a talk radio show. Listeners called in. They asked questions and she gave good advice. I listened and took good notes. Now I know how to make women squirt. I can get you there even if you've never been able to experience your "Big-O" in the past. I'm available to host or travel. David XXX-XXX-XXXX

And two more from other sites:

“Here’s my problem: I just adore mature women at least my age or that tend to be 10-15 years my senior. I am baffled by the “type” of rejection that I have been getting lately. Now for the fourth time a woman has told me that I am “too handsome for her” and for that reason she told me that she’s not interested. Can some of you women tell me how this can be? It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

“Morning. I woke up with a random idea to get some drinks this morning. Any girls interested? I’m not looking for anything in particular, just a new friend to enjoy a couple drinks with (i’ll buy of course). I’m well educated, have an amazing job and enjoy meeting new people. Would love to go to one of the 6am bars soon.”

There are 6am bars?! See you losers later, I'm heading there now to meet an amazing girl who can handle my unrestrained handsomeness...

Via Why Women Hate Men.

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While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Crushing News

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

The Black Crowes are taking recording back to the era of the basement-- the basement tapes, that is. They'll perform four sold-out concerts at Levon Helm's house and use them for their next record.

Watch Richard Simmons, our personal hero, attack a CNN interviewer's foot live on air.

A four-year-old boy named Nathan Beavers shot his eighteen-year-old male babysitter for...? Ha-- you guessed wrong-- Beavers shot the babysitter for stepping on his foot.

Gaza kids spoke out about how the violence has ruined their lives.

John Travolta's kid's death was caused by a seizure disorder. (Damn, all this sad news about children today-- if anyone hears about a kid sending his allowance to Darfur, let us know.)

Patricia Arquette is getting divorced. Rihanna is getting engaged. And, as we've already mentioned, Jennifer Love Hewitt isn't getting married...

...and Lindsay Lohan is allegedly done with Samantha Ronson. Think she got dumped?

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The Halo Wedding: More Pathetic Than the Second Life Divorce?

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Feels the Crunch

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:12:00 GMT

We just want to start out by saying you need to see the following three movies this weekend: Slumdog Millionaire, Milk, and The Wrestler, supposing they are out where you currently reside. Mickey Rourke's performance is one of the greatest so far this century, although Sean Penn is equally good on a more subtle level and could steal an Oscar from him, while Slumdog Millionaire is barely not cheeseball Bollywood/Hollywood, but the story hooks you almost instantly and the end-credit dance-off is the most eye popping in ages. Check out movie showtimes here.

In other news, we have a final result in the $54 million dry cleaning lawsuit...

Roy L. Pearson, the former administrative law judge who sued his dry cleaner for $54 million over a misplaced pair of pants, lost his final appeal in the District's highest court.
"Appellant failed to establish either that the Chungs' 'Satisfaction Guaranteed' and 'Same Day Service' signs constituted false or misleading statements, or that they lost his pants.

Next, we hope he gets sued (and loses again) over all this...

A stripper in Colorado has been making $18 a day thanks to the recession.

Want to have a day of hookey with your girl? Just call in anonymous threats to her school!

Wall-E seems to be benefitting the split votes among the critics, who can't decide on a favorite that any of them pick as their #1. Instead, they end up with everybody's second or third choice, the Pixar film that delighted audiences and baffled the gluttonous.

And Janet Jackson broke up with Jermaine Dupri, according to the tabloids.

While You Were Sleeping: Scrubs & Friends

48-Year-Old Carol Alt Finally Does Playboy

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

Sloppy Seconds: the 69-Year-old Pinup Dude

Top 10 Celebrity Twitterers

Taylor Swift: Joe Jonas Likes It Up the Butt

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 22:05:00 GMT

We refrained from putting the above comment in quotes was because we completely fabricated it out of nothing.

But really, don't these kids have anything more interesting to say about their relationships? What happened to ruining your career by dishing the dirt publicly, Jennifer Aniston-style, and taking everyone down with you?

After the jump, some quotes Taylor Swift gave to a country music magazine. The interview was placed on The Boot's front page, right above a story about Loretta Lynn (whose huge hits include "Don't Come Home A-Drinkin' with Lovin' On Your Mind" and "You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man"), which reminded us of how badass singers used to be... and how they came off as cool especially after they talked major trash about their lovers...

"What I've learned is that I've really moved on from it.You can't stress about what you can't change. You have to live your life and be happy in spite of whatever doubts you might have or whatever might have happened.

"I'm not typically the girl who dates a lot of guys or is in relationships a lot. Most of my life, I've been single [yeah, that's because most of your life has taken place before puberty-- fer chrissakes, you're 19!] If I meet somebody who's great, I'll make an exception. But I'm really happy being alone ... I don't feel a sense of emptiness if I don't have a boyfriend.

"If you're like, 'I need to talk to you' all the time, [or] 'Why didn't you call me back?' ... If you're that girl, then nobody's going to want to date you. I have this rule: I don't call a guy first. And you can't ever send two text messages in a row.

"It's so important to be confident in who you are. The best thing you can bring to a relationship is a whole person."

Seriously, we're thrilled that a natural young talent like Taylor Swift is on the country music scene-- or any entertainment scene for that matter-- a woman who writes her own songs, has the indie spirit, is down to earth, and maybe won't end up marrying some childhood friend in Vegas and a backup dancer who has the IQ of a fence post.

We can dream, can't we?

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Bill Murray Becomes His Character From Rushmore

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:10:00 GMT

When we were in high school, we were one of the last actors to get a call to read for the lead role in Rushmore. But before we could finalize the appointment, Jason Schwartzman was cast and went on to, um, semi-fame.

Anyway, our biggest disappointment about the experience was not getting to mess with Bill Murray all day, especially in the sequence where Max (the Schwartzman character) tries out a bunch of (comic) methods to kill Murray's Herman Blume, who is too busy smoking and drinking himself toward divorce to notice.

Now, Murray has broken his silence about his real-life divorce and internal suffering, saying that kind of life isn't as fun as Blume made it out to be in the film...

Here are the highlights... including word of a Ghostbusters III, woo hoo:

Murray said he identified anew with those characters -- like the dour Herman Blume in "Rushmore" -- when his wife of nearly 11 years filed for divorce in May. In the papers filed by Jennifer Butler Murray, she alleged that Murray abused her and was addicted to alcohol and marijuana.
"That was devastating," Murray said. "That was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my entire life."
Murray said his lowest point came a few weeks ago. When friends asked if he wanted to participate in an air show to support the Illinois United Service Organizations (Murray grew up outside Chicago), he accepted the skydiving invitation.

"They asked me on a day I didn't care," said Murray. "I didn't even care if there was a parachute..."

The writers of "The Office" have been hired to pen a "Ghostbusters III," which Murray thinks could offer a fresh take on the films, the second of which he (and many others) found disappointing.

We're not sure the fact that he doesn't refute any of his ex-wife's charges may not return him to Scanner Emily's good graces, but we feel for the guy: he sounds genuinely sorry for having screwed up...

Read the rest at CNN.com.

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While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 13:26:00 GMT

Poor Anne Hathaway, and we don't mean that in a mocking way: she had to hand over all the lovely jewels her ex gave her... because they were allegedly purchased with stolen funds. (We hate it when that happens.) Meanwhile, the suave gangster paramour of hers faces at least five years in prison and is still in jail, pending a million dollars' bond, and rumored to be working on a plea deal.

If you're a poll kind of person (we're kind of not), here are 19 new ones on the Presidential race. Quickly: McCain leads in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, and Wyoming; Obama leads in Colorado, Michigan, and Pennsylvania; and they're tied in Nevada, North Carolina, and Ohio.

And who will be the surprise special guest during Michael Phelps' hosting of SNL this weekend?

According to People, Sen. Barack Obama will appear on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps will be guest hosting the show.

Said an Obama spokesman: "The details of the sketch are still being worked out."

We hope it's funnier than the last one, which was super obvious and involved Halloween masks and his "surprise" appearance. Lame.

We're absolutely amazed that someone gave Mariah Carey another movie. Not that we don't like her or anything-- we're just stating the truth.

We still can't get over this story from yesterday's Sloppy Seconds (click here): Lauren Conrad has landed a book deal. Oh my God, what's next, a clothing line?!

And the scariest headline of the morning: Trace drugs found in water could affect 46 million

Headline that sounds scary but thankfully isn't: 9-Year-Old Girl Delivers Baby Brother

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NY Girl of My Dreams Is Back to Riding the 5 Train

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:44:00 GMT

So it seems young lover and NYGirlofMyDreams creator Patrick Moberg has parted ways with his dream girl Camille Hayton.

For those of you who just got to the party that is the Internet, last November bored New Yorkers fell in love with Patrick after seeing the website dedicated to the girl who'd stolen his heart on the 5 train. Because there really are only about 6 people in the world, readers tracked down Patrick's dream girl, aspiring actress and BlackBook intern Camille Hayton, within about 48 hours.

But the couple's relationship lasted only slightly longer. Yes, the pair have parted ways. According to Camille:

"I think the situation was so intense that it bonded us," she said, adding it "bonded us in a way that you could mistake, I guess, for being more romantic than it was. I don't know. But I wanted to give it a go so I didn't wonder what if, what if?"

Cheers, Patrick for taking a chance on love. Next time you see your dream girl on the train, be sure to forward us the link.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Hayden Engaged?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:09:00 GMT

A man in Atlantic City was arrested for merely "displaying" pornography in his car... including a naked barbie doll.

Local residents complained about "being exposed" to items in his car, which had been parked off an on, in the same lot for several weeks. The classic line:

"...The only thing that was found up front was a topless Barbie doll on the dashboard, two DVD's in the console, the rest of the stuff was in the back seat....the only way that anyone would know there was anything in there was to walk up and actually look in the car." [NBC]

A woman claiming to be A-Rod's favorite stripper called a Detroit radio show this morning. Madonna's reps denied the singer made the call.

Is Milo Vermtitieitithatahghgag about to pop the question to Jailbait Hayden Panettiere? Dude, she's 18... you're 31... let her grow up a bit first!

Lucky for us an even better catch is back on the market: Emily Blunt, formerly attached to Michael Buble, is rejoining the dating circuit, woo hoo.

Worst. Coworker. Ever. [ABC]

A Chilean stripper was just arrested for pole dancing on the subway. You've been warned, L train girls. [Reuters]

And the eadline of the Day (from Fark): Austrian man who locked his daughter in dungeon for 24 years asks to be let out of his prison cell, explaining that he can't stand being cooped up [Fark]

The A-Rod Madonna Lenny Kravitz Clusterf*ck

Video of the Day: Subway Pole Dancing

Who Are Your Five To Watch in 2008?

Italian Dude Kidnaps Ex, Makes Her Do His Laundry

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 16:53:00 GMT

Captain Obvious of the local police told the press the man was apparently angry at the woman for leaving him...

The 43-year-old man, who was not identified, tracked down his former girlfriend and dragged her out of a Genoa bar before pushing her into his car and taking her home.
There, he threatened her with physical harm before forcing her to wash and iron his clothes.

For some reason, this reminds us of the movie "Swept Away," an very dark Italian comedy about a battle of the sexes. Cabin boy and bleached blond married woman are shipwrecked, fall in love, then fall apart when the cabin boy wants her to be his subservient house wench. Maybe that's what happened here... although the original story may have said it best, however har-har it may have been:

Guess he wanted to iron out their differences.

Told you it was kinda lame.

Via Asbury Park Press.

George Clooney's Ex Posing Nude For Playboy?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:31:00 GMT

Sarah Larson, the Vegas cocktail waitress recently ditched by George Clooney, allegedly after getting breast implants, is now up for the cover of Playboy...

"She likes her new body so much that she would consider posing for Playboy," the source claims. Sarah's "rep" denies the rumor.

Like George, we're strongly against breast implants-- at best, they only attract the wrong type of guys-- but we're even more against ex-reality show stars (Larson won "Fear Factor") becoming A-list (or even C-list) stars... hopefully, George will next choose someone who doesn't need to do a nude pictoral as breakup revenge. A classy person deserves another classy person, no?

Via the Post-Chronicle.

Steamed, Horny Gal Gets All "Episode 8.5: Revenge of the Ex" on "Star Wars" Obsessed XBF

Bryan Christian — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Best of Craigslist reminds us that despite the specific nature of General Dodonna's briefing before the Battle of Yavin, not every Star Wars nerd can successfully bullseye a gal's wamp rat with his snub fighter. (Yikes, that hurt typing. But you know what we mean, right?)

Dear Star Wars ex-boyfriend, my vag is sore
Date: 2008-01-25, 3:56AM EST

Dear Star Wars obsessed ex-boyfriend,

A few things as of late have come to light. The fact that you had an entire room dedicated to Star Wars should have been enough to make any sane girl run in the opposite direction, I somehow found it endearing. The fact that you couldn’t string two thoughts together in order to form a cohesive sentence should have made me giggle in your face, instead I patiently waited as you tried to sound like your IQ was above 87. Your crazy mom that decided to “pop in” and vacuum at one in the morning should have definitely made leave, but I stuck by your side. Your sexual inadequacies should have made me run to seek orgasm from another penis, instead I quietly masturbated in the bathroom after your pathetic attempts at coitus.

Now, lest you be concerned where this is going, rest assured: just like the Star Wars saga, in spite of some dramatic ups and downs, there is a happy ending. Also like the Star Wars saga: it involves a sore vagina, a thick, meaty penis, and a cum-splattered face. Yub nub!

[img via]

Sloppy Seconds: Is Valentine's Day Over Yet?

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Still haven't quite found the closure you needed from that last break-up? How about writing an obituary for the relationship?

Planned Parenthood reminds us that condoms are an essential part of any Valentine's Day love making with the most unsexy video ever.

~~Fashion victim~~ actress Bai Ling was arrested at LAX for shoplifiting celebrity magazines and batteries.

Has Amy Winehouse sobered up enough to take a lover while her hubby "Blake Incarcerated" is, uh, incarcerated?

We have such a girl crush on Michelle Williams (and no, not just because her ex-BF died; we've been stalking her for years).

TIME's 50 Top 10's

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 19:37:00 GMT

TIME has released the mother of all Top 10 lists: The 50 Top 10 Lists of 2007. And while most of it is news related, we get down to the fun stuff at the bottom, including the Top 10 Breakups, Top 10 Scandals (featuring the astronaut Love Triangle, complete with adult diapers) and Top 10 Awkward Moments — coming in at number 4 on that list (you guessed it) The Hoff.

[TIME's 50 Top 10 Lists of 2007]

Willful Blindness Will Keep Us Together

Michael Martin — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 20:00:00 GMT

See? You're completely justified in dumping that volunteer at the summer camp for foster kids with head trauma. Clearly his motives were ulterior — why the need to feel altruistic? What kind of messed-up narcissist is he? The worst kind, according to Science. The New York Times reports that the human capacity for denial keeps us infatuated with people who we'd realize are jerks if we'd just open our eyes: "Nowhere do people use denial skills to greater effect than with a spouse or partner . . . This typically involves a blend of denial and touch-up work — seeing jealousy as passion, for instance, or stubbornness as a strong sense of right and wrong." We knew there was something sinister about his strong moral compass. What a freak. Back to the dating pool! — Will Doig