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Take Him to Detroit: America's 11 Most Depressing Places

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:46:00 GMT

This really ain't Michigan's week, is it? First, some dumbass ex-Mayor was arrested for having an extramarital affair in the middle of the street. Then, we made a mean joke about the Detroit Free Press and it's sex advice column, complete with a newspaper headline that says, "Detroit Blows." Now, comes word that Business Insider is further driving down the state's property values by including two MI cities on its list of the most depressing places in America.

Cheer up and enjoy this sprightly little list...

11. Stockton, CA. Stockton actually topped the recent Forbes list of the 10 worst places to live in the country, which is somehow different than "depressing." At that time, we commented: "The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here." It turns out that they Mayor has the town in an uproar for trying to unload his condo/apartment with a short sale.

10. Flint, MI. Business Insider calls Michael Moore's favorite city "an impoverished, depressing dump." In the 20 years since Roger & Me, no one claims the city has improved its quality of life, so we're going to have to assume BI is right to include it here.

9. Wichita, KS. Apparently, the only city with worse dating opportunities for young people is Kansas City, Missouri. And even though one of the scariest serial murderers in history, the BTK Killer, has been brought to justice, a cloud of dread hangs over the city like so many horrific tornadoes of the past... or something.

8. Alpharetta, GA. What the hell is Alpharetta, GA? "Alpharetta, a suburb of Atlanta, is the bank-failure capital of the U.S. Three banks based in Alpharetta--NetBank, Integrity Bancshares and Alpha Bank & Trust--failed in just 13 months. That's more than any other single town in America." Oh, that Alpharetta, GA....

7. West Palm Beach, FL. Business Week claims there really isn't a terrible place to live in Florida, while we insist all of Florida is terrible. If you want to live somewhere warm, move to a tropical island-- most people in FL just end up the source of hilarious news for the rest of the country. Speaking of hilarious, check out this bizarro ad for a company called Condo Vultures Realty. It's apparently real.

6. Kokomo, IN is not the place The Beach Boys told you-- not by any means. It has a staggering 20% unemployment rate (wonder how much that rises when you factor in the "real unemployment rate" in this country, which is somewhere around 15% now) and is likely to go down with the Titanic that is the nation's auto industry. If you ever needed a reason to move to Indiana... well, you won't find it here.

5. Mahoning Valley, OH. Really, this one's all about Youngstown-- formerly a great steel and mining community, Youngstown is now almost as violent as New Orleans or Brooklyn when the subway stops running. Check this out: "Car bombings were so frequent that they became known as 'a Youngstown tuneup.'" Can an HBO series be far off?

4. Yuma, AZ. Sporting highs in the 60's and 70's all winter long, it's no wonder many Arizonians have winter homes there. Somehow this hasn't translated into year-round employment for the sleepy town, which has jobless numbers rivaling (and often topping) a little place called Kokomo. You wouldn't know it from the Wikipedia page, but Business Week claims this is the unemployment capital of the country. Ouch.

3. East St. Louis, IL. Jesus Christ, who the hell actually lives in East St. Louis these days? GET OUT.

2. Inland Empire, CA. David Lynch's favorite place on earth-- need you hear anymore? It's also responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- or, should we say, dumbassery is what's responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- as they bought up a real estate company in the area shortly before the whole area's value dropped by an unfathomable 60%.

And #1... you knew it was coming, my Detroit friends, so let's get on with it:

1. Detroit, MI. Why is Detroit in such dire straits? Sure, the auto industry is all shot to hell these days (and probably permanently)-- but is that enough to make this the most depressing place in America? No, this figure is: "The average home price in Detroit is just $7,500 because no one wants to live there. The continuing catastrophe that is the US auto industry has reduced this onetime industrial behemoth to a nearly perfect picture of decrepitude. Last year when the murder rate dropped in the city, the mayor joked that the reason was that 'there is no one left to kill.'" The only thing wrong with this quote is the word "joked"-- everyone nodded knowingly when he said it. Then he went to jail for perjury... and it wasn't even big news because... no one cares about Detroit. Sorry, kids.

Via Business Insider.

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Mile High Club Lovers Take Sex Life to the Fast Lane

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:17:00 GMT

A little over a year ago, a friend of ours with the commenter name of "Ahem" caused a stir on these pages by suggesting he was able to accomplish a minor version of a threesome while operating a motor vehicle.

We were a threesome "couple" (trouple?), and luckily both were as thrilled with the idea as I. My GF in the backseat stripped down and crawled over me and into position while my GF in the passenger seat took up the task of steering. I did what I could to both provide and enjoy pleasure while keeping my foot on the gas and my eyes on the road through two very firm thighs.

While we can't actually confirm this story really happened, here's one that the police were able to, thanks to their dashboard cams. And unlike the above story, this sex act takes place in the fast lane...

According to the local newspapers in Norway, a 28-year-old man and his 22-year-old lover were arrested after cops spotting them having intercourse while the man was driving (see above illustration for an explanation on this strange phenomenon.)

Officers who clocked the couple's silver Mazda 323 racing at 133km/h in a 100 zone realised they were doing more than just breaking the speed limit, police told AFP on Monday.

"It was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say," said Tor Stein Hagen, a superintendent with Soendre Buskerund district police.

"He couldn't see much because her back was in the way," he added.

"Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know."

Well, Tor, obviously you've never been laid properly. It's precisely because of the high risk, great story, and that need to get off that people generally have.

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Vintage Video of the Day: Riot Grrrls On 'Roseanne'

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:54:00 GMT

When Roseanne was on the air, we watched it religiously, but we were too young to really appreciate what an amazing show it was—plus, we were too busy crushing on David and trying to be less like Becky and more like Darlene. Each time we catch a repeat, though, we're amazed at how well it portrayed the every-family (at least according to Scanner Emily). One episode we don't remember (probably because we were more Becky than Darlene) is the one where Jenna Elfman appeared on the show as a Riot Grrrl and gave housewife Roseanne a "wake up call."

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Woman Leads Cops Right to Her Liaison with Previous Victim

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 15:49:00 GMT

Sheila Langman may not be the most intelligent person.

She was arrested in October for having sex with a fifteen-year-old boy, pled not guilty, and is awaiting trial. That isn't why she's an idiot. We find her guilty of that charge because she couldn't resist a little V-Day affair with the same kid, even though she knew the police were monitoring her every move...

According to the Northwest Florida Daily News:

Sheila Langman, 38, was under GPS monitoring, according to the Santa Rosa County Sheriff's Office. At about 7:40 p.m. Friday, investigators say their alarm went off because she was near the boy's home.

Deputies tracked her and pulled her over on Misty Meadow Lane - about a mile from her own house on Parker Lake Circle - where they say the boy was in her car.

After her initial arrest in October, a judge ordered Langman, a former cheerleading coach, not to have any unsupervised contact with minors. And a perimeter around the boy's home was an "exclusionary zone" she wasn't allowed to enter.

Langman was originally arrested after a complaint was made to the Department of Children and Families, not necessarily by a family member. Police and prosecutors allege the cheerleading coach and her young man engaged in sex on multiple occasions last summer.

Oh, and in case you think this is a very, very sexy story for some bizarre reason (well, after all, the kid got in the car with her again last week), you might want to avoid seeing this mugshot.

Via NWFDailyNews.

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Redneck Weddings: Why Don't We Ban This Kind of Marriage?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:20:00 GMT

The most memorable wedding we ever attended took place in the fall of 2001 in Southern Louisiana.

It was twenty minutes before the ceremony and the groom and I were just hitting our drinking groove at a bar in the Garden District of New Orleans. They knew us well enough to know what would come if they continued serving us such stiff drinks, so one of the bartenders demanded we leave-- after all, she was in her bridesmaid's dress and was missing half a shift to attend the festivities, so we were wasting her time.

The groom departed and I was soon left in the otherwise empty bar with my ride, a local homicide detective we'll call W. W. was falling off the stool and dropping his car keys, but I knew he was in total control. "We better hit the road," he mumbled, "The wedding is in fifteen minutes and it's twenty minutes away..."

W. and I got in his unmarked police cruiser and hit the streets, doing at least 85 miles per hour through the red lights-- it was all right, the traffic was moving too slow to hit us and do any damage anyway. At least, that's what I remember thinking.

At some point, W. made the horrendous mistake of trying to maneuver through the French Quarter, which, as usual, was swarming with jaywalking tourists. W. stared at them, never moving a muscle, not even to blink. W. had not said a word since we'd left the drinking hole ten minutes earlier. His concentration was both astonishing and frightening.

At last, he lunged across the driver's seat and yanked open the glove box. I noticed his police-issued handgun resting atop the car's registration. His hand disappeared inside and, out of nowhere, the entire street was filled with a horrible shriek-- like that sound one of the annoying characters in "Dumb and Dumber" makes to signify the most obnoxious sound in the world-- only at least 50 times louder. Seriously, every single person-- we're talking at least one hundred people-- in the vicinity stopped in their tracks and stared. Then, seeing W. glaring back at them, they quickly began to dive out of our way. See, there are perks to riding with the police.

Five minutes later, we were at the VFW hall and threw open the doors in a huff, having made it exactly on time. Unfortunately, we were greeted by a worship session attended by several dozen African-Americans, who were not at all happy to see us barreling in. Whoops-- there must be two VFW halls in the area.

Notice the initials on this one... and the shotgun shells?!

Anyway, by the time we made it to the correct location, the wedding had taken place, most of the guests had left, the booze had run out-- there wasn't any to begin with-- it was banned by the VFW hall-- and, best of all, the bride and groom were having a terrible fight. The bride, who was freshly pregnant, staggered over to us and, with barf breath, gravely intoned:

"Don't ever get married."

P.S. We were kidding with that headline, by the way.

Via Cake Wrecks and many other sources.

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How Not to Use the Internet After Committing a Crime

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:46:00 GMT

Facebook and MySpace have been leading cops to crooks for years. Recently, one woman turned in a guy she was about to go on a first date with because she found discovered, via a web search, that he had an FBI warrant out for his arrest.

This story is the first case we've heard of where the suspect initially incriminated himself by performing a Google search...

A San Francisco investment banker with quite a history of DUIs was out driving on January 11th 2005 when he hit, and killed 55-year-old Gurdeep Kaur. Lee Harbert, the driver fled the scene.

The story that Mr Herbert stuck to was that he hit a deer. Releasing him from the need to stop and assist with whatever he had just ran over. Originally police reports were for a burgandy Jaguar, and Lee’s was black. No way it could have been him.

The cops weren't sure he was their man, since his car had been cleaned up...

Police later searched his house and computer. They searched his recent queries in Google and found these recent search terms: “auto parts, auto dealers out-of-state; auto glass, Las Vegas; auto glass reporting requirements to law enforcement, auto theft.” [Yeah, That's Odd]

But that's not what will ultimately convict the guy. Harbert's later search included the words "hit and run," followed by his looking up a news story about his own hit and run. Of course, we've heard plenty of instances of teachers, already arrested, being convicted of sex with underage students after their internet histories revealed such memorable phrases as "sex laws between teachers and students" and "laws against underage sex." But this is definitely the first case we can think of where a guy was arrested because of his internet searches.

By the way, the guy is now serving three years in the pen.

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Holiday Shopping Tips From A Stripper

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 20:35:00 GMT

It's been a couple of Fridays since we solicited expert advice from our non-resident stripper friend, Jocelyn Testes-Harder, the ex-lapdancer of Richmond, Virginny, whose MySpace status mood notes she is "horny." This week, we talk to Jocelyn about the problem that's been bugging us the most: Christmas shopping in today's hectic world...

Jocelyn: This season's supposed to be about fun... and not about spending money.

Scanner Brian: Absolutely. As far as we're concerned, Christmas is all about the holiday spirit-- in our case, gin. Oh, and Santacon. Speaking of not spending any money, did you do the Black Friday sales? Was that you at the Long Island Wal-Mart...?

J: You won't find me at those Black Friday sales until just after the stores open. I park my van in a handicapped accessible spot, and watch those first few lucky customers come striding out, smiling over the purchase of a few limited supply items. I follow them from that parking lot to wherever they shop next. Most of them head to the mall. Then, once they've gone inside, I perform a quick smash and grab out of their parked car. Nothing could be easier! Phil is really going to love his new 36" HD television!

SB: All right, maybe we should edit that out. We don't want to have to testify. So... we don't think we're going to make it home for Christmas this year and we're worried about shipping...

J: I bought the cutest little UPS girl outfit a few Halloweens ago, and it's becoming an indispensable part of my holiday routine. Nobody even notices me when I'm out on my lunch break, hitting up front stoops of houses for a "pick-up". It's nice when the companies put their logos on the shipping boxes so you know what you're getting. I hope my three year old enjoys her new laptop computer!

SB: All right, let's go off the theft tangent for a second. With the economy in the toilet, are you cutting back? Getting some handouts this year?

J: I apply to those programs with falsified information so my kids can get a few extra gifts out of it. You should see the look on those volunteers faces when they have to deliver that stuff to our well furnished townhouse! But this method doesn't allow you to select what types of toys they bring. So go out earlier in the month and rummage around in their donation bins at the front of stores, and in office buildings.

SB: Thanks, Jocelyn. All right, everybody, make sure to check out Jocelyn's website, it's seriously the only thing worth reading besides Nerve. Or the Rod Blago transcripts...

Via Filthy Richmond.

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The End of the Big Three

Scanner Matt — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 20:29:00 GMT

An electric car that sells miles the way cellphone companies sell minutes? Guess who wants no part in this innovative automotive technology. That's right.

An electric car company based in Palo Alto, Calif. (why would it be Detroit?) called Better Place is making deals with the other big three: Israel, Australia and Denmark?

The hyper Thomas L. Friedman has an interesting piece in The New York Times where he projects one of the possible futures for the auto industry, but not before divulging this ridiculously relentless, but actually poignant rant:

...our bailout of Detroit will be remembered as the equivalent of pouring billions of dollars of taxpayer money into the mail-order-catalogue business on the eve of the birth of eBay. It will be remembered as pouring billions of dollars into the CD music business on the eve of the birth of the iPod and iTunes. It will be remembered as pouring billions of dollars into a book-store chain on the eve of the birth of Amazon.com and the Kindle. It will be remembered as pouring billions of dollars into improving typewriters on the eve of the birth of the PC and the Internet.

It will be remembered as pouring millions of dollars into Jay Leno on the eve of his new crappy variety show. It will be remembered as pouring millions of hours of media coverage into Sarah Palin when she was already a has-been. It will be remembered like the time you clicked "Read More" on Nerve in hopes of seeing female nudity, but all you got was a low-grade blurry picture of a celebrity you don't even know sunbathing on her stomach from 50 feet away.

Read the entire op-ed piece here.

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While You Were Sleeping: Who's #1 on Yahoo?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 15:07:00 GMT

Our server had some issues this morning, but we're up and running now...

A woman showed her daughter's friend how to have sex. You know, liberal-sex-ed style.

Did you miss Hillary Clinton's historic moment?

Darwin couldn't be happier: two guys stole a car, got into a shootout with the po-po, and ended up in a high-speed chase on the wrong side of the highway, where they rammed another car head on. The other car? Stolen.

Ray Winstone approves of his daughter Jaime's nude scenes (see above photo.) In fact, he can't wait to-- yuck-- watch them.

A Colorado man is being sued by his ex-girlfriend and her attorney for libelous comments he made in the Rants and Raves section of Craigslist.

A woman was arrested in Nigeria for burning her servant's penis after the 18-year-old took off with some of her money.

It's a sad state of affairs when someone as boring and unattractive as Britney Spears tops Yahoo's most-searched list for the fourth year in a row. Guys, it's time to find someone more interesting to fantasize about.

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While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama's Big Move

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Alan Greenspan reveals the man responsible for the grave economic crisis we're facing: it's jazz musician Stan Getz.

Apparently, I, Brian Fairbanks had something to do with that Oregon stripper mayor getting stripped of her duties. We don't understand this link either.

This guy won't be able to accompany his 17-year-old wife to her high school dances...

Five pieces of facial jewelry may be all that is stopping a high school senior from attending any school dances with the 19-year-old man she recently married.
Casey Engstrom, 19, graduated from Hubbard High School in 2007. He has since married Brittany, 17, who is still a senior at the high school. The young couple now lives a stone’s throw away from the high school with Casey Engstrom’s grandmother, but Casey Engstrom will not be permitted to attend any school dances with his new wife. Casey Engstrom has been informed that he is banned from such school functions because of skin-stretching jewelry in his lip and ears. [Link]

Cynthia Nixon got involved in a debate about her kids' school, with video.

Send folk singer Odetta a card-- she's in critical condition in a New York hospital.

A man listed a beat up, useless automobile on e-bay for a few hundred dollars and then all but forgot about it. When the auction closed at well over $200,000, it became clear that the car was only one of six of its kind ever made.

Can someone explain to us why the TRL finale was on a Sunday night? Anyway, it featured a stunning cast of music stars, including Eminem, Justin Timberlake, and Beyonce.

And Barack Obama had a busy Sunday: he resigned his Senate seat, gave the Democratic radio address, and addressed the nation... all on YouTube.

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Sloppy Seconds: The Body Found Outside of Paula Abdul's Home

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 22:05:00 GMT

American Apparel is back in this news, this time because an employee was fired after he refused to inflate figured on the company's balance sheet. [WSJ]

With the economy sucking your bank account dry, would you consider "donating" an egg for $8,000? [The Frisky]

Say what you will about those naughty Miley Cyrus pictures for Vanity Fair; Annie Leibovitz doesn't give a fuuuck. [Jezebel]

Us Weekly seems to be a little uncomfortable dealing with the fact that Lindsay Lohan called Barack Obama "colored." [Us]

The body of a suspected stalker was found dead in her car outside of Paula Abdul's Los Angeles home. [People]

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A History of MIT Pranks, In Glorious Pictures...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 16:12:00 GMT

What can we say, we're a sucker for pranks, practical jokes, and general harmless merriment.

It's the only reason we would have considered going to a school like MIT (not that we would've gotten in or even wanted to.) You know, to carry out that fantasy of college life we first saw in Real Genius... the smart asses venting their energy not by farting and chanting "USA! USA!" at frat parties but by disassembling the dean's car and reassembling it in the Yukon Territories...

The Boston Globe has a brilliant and hysterical photo essay of pranks captured by still photographers over the years... all the photos are worth checking out...

But these are our faves, starting with the first annual piano launch!

Send us your prank photos and we'll post 'em... even if you didn't attend MIT.

Via the Boston Globe.

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The Paris Hiltonization of South Korean Weddings

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:32:00 GMT

Sometimes we forget how lucky we are to live a place where class doesn't have a whole helluva lot to do with what we accomplish in life and love. We've all seen that cute, smart guy marry the stupid white-trash girl and we've seen the smart, successful woman marry the unemployed stoner. As Sarah Palin has shown us, you can do anything as long as you want it bad enough; it's the beauty of America.

Unfortunately, in many cultures, marriages are still arranged or lovers are only allowed to marry within their social class. In South Korea, "weddings have become symbols of greed and waste, as families try to outdo each other with extravagant offerings. Houses have replaced housewares, while fur coats are now standard presents for new mothers-in-law."

It hasn't always been like that in South Korea, though.

From 1961-1979 under the rule of Park Chung Hee, strict rules were laid down about how weddings could be celebrated. "The 'family ritual code' limited the number of guests at weddings, as well as the amount that could be spent. The law was liberalized in 1985, a few years before the military regime gave way to democracy, and that's when the spending spree started."

"It's become ridiculous," says Kyeyoung Park, an anthropology professor at UCLA. "Now it's all about who is winning the game." The race to the top has gripped South Korea's upwardly mobile and competitive society. For much of Korean history, two traditional values—Confucian moderation, and the need to gain face—balanced each other out, but today, the latter has acquired the upper hand. "Traditionally you would exchange gifts of clothes among the extended family," says Tony Michell, a business consultant who has lived in Seoul for decades. "These days, people are talking about apartments and cars."

So, if we move to South Korea and marry someone we don't love, do we get one of these? And a little dog, too?

That would be so sweet!

It'd be just our luck that we'd end up like Sun, from "LOST"—pre crash.

[Psychology Today: Global Psyche: The Dowry Dilemma]

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Mischa Barton's Nip Slip

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:34:00 GMT

Misha barton had a little trouble getting out of the car at Fashion Week...

Going, going...

Gone!

We sure have been seeing a lot of Mischa Barton lately...

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Drunk Man Has Sex With A Toyota (Hey, At Least It Wasn't A Hummer)

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 18:32:00 GMT

A very, very, very, very, very drunk man, rumored to have been running wild in San Antonio, Texas, was arrested recently for... having sex with a parked car. Holy God, and there's video!

And while we love the footage, the music is downright annoying. (You won't miss anything by hitting mute.)

Honestly, the media has no idea where the footage came from and whether it's real (ha-- even if it's not, it's real-- you think the cops are gonna care if this was a prank?) But you can't really blame them... it's not like most people can wrap their heads around the concept of a grown man dry-humping an immobile motor vehicle, even giving it a spanking as he goes.

What's worse is that, although it appears his nether regions are rubbing against the spare, the cover's on the tire, so it's not like he's "poking" any holes... ay ay ay.

Via LiveLeak.

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Top 10 Places To Have Sex... This Week

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Although the list on Playboy concentrates on the Top 10 Places To Have Sex Before You Die, we gotta say, "Why are you spreading these out over the rest of your life? You should do all ten of these this week."

Besides that, the Playboy list is kind of lame, with many obvious choices (and it begged the obvious #11 and #12 additions on Digg: "In the ass" and "in the boobeez.") We came up with our own list, which is based on experience...

10. On a kitchen table-- anybody remember Bull Durham? What about the scene in Fatal Attraction on the counter? You know why we remember these? Because they were fuckin' hot.

9. In a car... a moving car... that you're driving-- while we don't encourage this kind of behavior, it has apparently worked for several of our readers. And Charlie Sheen.

8. In a limo-- roll up that screen... unless you get off on the chauffer watching in the rearview mirror.

7. In the subway-- there's always a chance the train is going to stop in the next station and a top of up-all-night tourists are going to step into your previously deserted car. But that shouldn't stop anyone from having a quickie!

6. In an abandoned house-- not like a crack house or anything. (Although we're not against sex anywhere.) Do you have a kind of ghost town, such as the Salton Sea, near you? Drive out to a rundown motel and find a bizarre place to have sex-- a bizarre room to have sex in, that is, funny guy.

5. In the jacuzzi-- just don't let the other bed and breakfast guests catch you. Remember: it's hot when you do it, gross when someone else does it.

4. On the floor-- this would be obvious, except when there's a bed nearby, 99.9999% of the time, couples will choose the bed. Hey, live a little...

3. At a stadium event-- if you're at a Miley Cyrus concert, there are going to be so many teenagers getting it on, you won't even be given a second glance.

And, ah, what the hell... two we agree with from Playboy's list:

2. On the beach-- although if you haven't already done this, this should be your next one to try out: you have one more weekend of summer left, after all...

1. At the mile high club-- just make sure Ralph Fiennes isn't already lurking in the loo and this should be a good time.

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While You Were Sleeping: James Franco and Sean Penn Go At It

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:39:00 GMT

Doris Lessing, our Hero In Residence, on the teen pregnancy "craze": "I hear girls saying, 'Oh I'm not going to bring a child into this wicked world,' which means they are going to be pregnant next week."

Happy 47th to Barack Obama yesterday. Unfortunately, his staff lost their big present to him.

The Eva Mendes Calvin Klein ad has been banned from TV:

Creative director Fabien Baron was flabbergasted that Mendes' nipple flash was deemed unacceptable for Middle American sensibilities:

“You must be kidding me. This country really needs a new president — this country is so messed up,” said Baron. “It’s such a joke and it’s quite upsetting, frankly, how hypocritical this country has become. It’s OK for children to see people killed by guns? Spreading a little love right now would be a good idea.

The worst appears to be over for Morgan Freeman.

Iggy & The Stooges just had their gear stolen in Montreal. All of it.

"Lost" wants your babies.

And James Franco and Sean Penn make out in the new Gus Van Sant film, Milk, about the tragic life of San Francisco's legendary Harvey Milk. Here's how Franco describes the scene:

He tells USA Today newspaper, "We're sitting on the curb, kissing... and it's not stopping. A minute doesn't sound like a long time, but, in front of 200 people, it's a long time. He (Penn) had a beard and the beard is scraping me. Afterwards, we were like, 'All right, how are those (Oakland) Raiders....'"

And Franco reveals Penn made sure he kept things light on the set - in between takes: "He would always ask me if my girlfriend was the better kisser."

Related:

Doris Lessing Be Trippin'?

Crazy White Supremacists-- Gasp!-- Hate Obama

"Acting With James Franco" Comes Pretty Close to Making Us Cry

The MTV Movie Awards: More Entertaining Than We Wanted Them To Be

Morgan Freeman Seriously Injured In Major Car Accident

Sloppy Seconds: Poor Bernie Mac, Morgan Freeman, and... OJ?

Morgan Freeman Seriously Injured In Major Car Accident

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:48:00 GMT

Morgan Freeman is in serious condition following a devastating car wreck last night in Mississippi...

The latest details, according to CNN, Google, and other sources:

1) Freeman driving just a few miles from his home when he car sailed, airborne, off the highway and into a ditch. (Sources originally hinted an unnamed female woman was at the wheel, but she is gone from updated accounts.)

2) Fans tried to snap pictures of the actor. He attempted some gallows humor as he was taken, via the jaws of life, from the vehicle, and told one person using a camera phone: "No freebies, no freebies."

3) He may have been airlifted to a hospital that was over 90 miles away, in Memphis, for the best possible treatment. It's unclear why they had to travel so far if he was in such a tremendous crash.

4) Hospital spokesperson Milla Borden says Freeman is currently listed as being in "serious condition."

We will update this story if there is any news between now and the end of the day.

Caption This: Guy Working In Convertible... On A Desktop Computer

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 18:05:00 GMT

"Totaldouche," as this man has been called at least on one blog, seems rather fitting.

But what exactly is he doing? And why?

According to Gizmodo which broke the hilarious "story":

Reader Henry found this "mobile office" in New York last night, which is probably one of the strangest things I've ever seen. It consists of a desk, a keyboard, a desktop, a CRT, a lamp, a printer and flowers, all mounted on the passenger side of a convertible. Wha?

One theory is that since he's usually in Times Square, he may be the kind of photographer who snaps a pic of a couple tourists, then heads to his vehicle to print them out. That seems insane, even by New York standards-- dude, get a van-- with a door!

Via Gizmodo.

Today in Gadget Porn: The Laptop Book

Caption This: Huckabee's Got His Wife On A Thin Rope

Caption This: Obama and Hillary

Caption This: You're About to Meet Obama

Caption This: Paris Hilton Visits An Orphanage

Jesus: Out Of My Dreams and Into My Car?

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 13:44:00 GMT

Earlier this year the South Carolina legislature unanimously decided the state's new license plates would boast a Christian cross and the tagline "I believe."

Not only did the governor approve this measure, but the lieutenant governor offered to put up $4,000 of his own money to ensure that his state would be the first to issue the plates (because we're sure New York, Missouri and California are currently devising ways to beat South Carolina to this).

Now we don't know about you, but we believe that's highly unconstitutional. And so do Americans United for Separation of Church and state, who have filed a federal lawsuit to stop the production of the plates.

The license plate law was passed with a slew of other religious laws in the state, much to the objection of groups like the American Civil Liberties Union and the American Jewish Congress

Maybe we should all be thinking about what Jesus would do in this situation. We imagine he'd suggest, instead, the sale of those plastic license plate frames that sport the "I believe" tagline at every Wal-Mart and gas station in South Carolina.

But like any good followers, South Carolina's politicians now say the plates are "out of their hands."

[NYT: Group Sues to Keep Cross Off Car Plates]

Related:

Does the Establishment Clause Exclude Santa Claus?

The Second Coming: Sin-Free Sex Toys for Christians

Big Church Comes from a Big Family, With Big Boobs and All

Armageddon Time: 800 Car Traffic Jam in Wisconsin

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 20:40:00 GMT

Okay, it doesn't look anything like the totally rad photo above, but we're imagining Woodstock-style lines, couples meeting and falling in love because the guy with the motorcycle picked the girl up hitching, people hanging out and tailgating. Unfortunately, the real pictures are probably a lot less fun: this interstate in Wisconsin is just probably the world's largest clusterfuck.

Just another opportunity for us New York City folk to rub it in: we got the subway, baby. And you remember what the subway has, an idea no doubt Scanner Emily will try out after her many triumphs last night.

Holy Crap: Britney Spears Showed Up in Court, Y'all!

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 20:09:00 GMT

We know, we're having a hard time believing it ourselves.

But according to reports, she pulled on some panties (OK, we made that part up), got in her car under the influence of nothing (OK, we made that up, too), drove in a striaght line (also made up), showed up for a deposition and stayed two hours.

Go, Brit!

[Yahoo!: Spears goes to custody case deposition]

[Image via]

Marry, F*uck or Kill?: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Emily Farris — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:30:00 GMT

For many of us, it's time to make the joyous, yet tedious trip home. But before we start boozing to try and forget why we ever left in the first place, we have to actually get there. So what do you choose: plane, train or automobile? While we hold out hope you've done it in all of them, it's time to choose which one you'd take home to meet mom, which one you'd bang in the wee hours of morning and leave before the sun comes up, and which you'd leave for dead.