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Celibate Priest Publishes Sex Advice Book

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:54:00 GMT

It's being touted as "The Catholic Karma Sutra," which is hilarious enough to warrant its own story. The book is by a man who goes by the name of Father Ksawery Knotz, and he's a celibate monk residing in Poland, where his book is selling like sexy hotcakes.

But what does some monk, probably a virgin, know about fornicating? And don't say "depends on if it's with young boys..."

Sex As You Don't Know It: For Married Couples Who Love God is heating up Poland's bestseller lists but, thankfully, several international publications were able to obtain copies. Between two or three of them, we put together a compendium of classic quotes from the text:

"Every act -- a type of caress, a sexual position -- with the goal of arousal is permitted and pleases God.

"During sexual intercourse, couples can show their love in every way, can offer one another the most sought-after caresses."

"Contrary to common belief, the Church does not ban the pleasures of the flesh.”

Husbands must "take care that women experience pleasure... [requiring] extra efforts on the part of the husband."

"Oral Sex is Moral" reads the headline for one chapter, when translated into English

One news source adds: "He says that there is a lot of negative talk about sex in the church, and in his book he wants to reject everything negative and compares it to a football match. Fouls are not allowed, but sex is matches in various leagues. They can be great like in the Premier League, or boring like some local match, he explains. Besides that, the priest considers oral sex and caressing totally normal."

His website, in Polish is apparently here. Sourced from here and here and here.

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Cutié Priest Can't Resist Carnal Urges

Drew Grant — Thu, 07 May 2009 20:21:00 GMT

Hey, even Jesus had Mary Magdalene...and aren't we all human, after all? So what's the big deal about this Miami Beach priest and popular Latin television personality Father Alberto Cutie caught kissing and "fondling" an unknown woman on the beach? Maybe he was just giving her CPR? And also...no offense, but isn't this a step up from most priestly indiscretions? Even Time magazine is having a hard time condemning this guy.

To his credit, Favalora is trying to restore public trust in his archdiocese and the Church. But so long as Cutié wasn't frolicking with a minor (female or male) or using parish funds to buy margaritas for his paramour, many parishioners may actually be relieved that their popular priest has a libido focused on a woman who has reached the age of consent.

So listen, archdiocese, either you accept your hypocrisy and let Cutie back in the Church, or you pull out all those child molesters and embezzlers that you've turned a blind eye to all these years. You can't have it both ways.

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Paraguay Has Its Very Own Bill Clinton-Style Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:53:00 GMT

This post marks the first time we've ever linked to Al Jazeera, at least that I can recall. Not that we're afraid of what Sean Hannity and his McCarthyite followers might say.

Rather, the famed Arabic news service is rarely one to break major sex scandals... until now. And we're glad we didn't miss this one like Fox News already has, because it has three classic scandal plot points...

1) Fernando Lugo, the President of Paraguay, has admitted to fathering a child out of wedlock with Viviana Carrillo, who was not even his girlfriend at the time.

2) The boy is almost two, making the woman 24 and and Lugo 55 at the time of conception.

3) Lugo was technically still a Roman Catholic bishop at the time he knocked up the young woman. He was staying with her at her godmother's house when their sexual relationship began, culminating in the birth of the boy almost a year before he won the Presidency. So, he didn't knock anybody up while in office (that we know of), but don't forget that the Pope had actually turned down his request be relieved of the vows of celibacy-- even after the boy's birth. (Pope Benedict eventually gave in.)

This all only came to light when the woman was forced to file a paternity suit against the Paraguayan President-- he thought he could pull a John Edwards up until the last minute. More via Al Jazeera.

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Hey Ireland: Good Luck Stopping Internet Porn

Colleen Kane — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 16:41:00 GMT

We have never known the Irish to be prudish or disapproving about sex (and have certainly not been affected personally by it) but get this: some guy in Ireland has been trying to register the domain names "porn.ie" and "pornography.ie" for four years and his application keeps getting denied. The reason the Irish Domain Registry (IEDR) gives him is "the proposed domain name must not be offensive or contrary to public policy or generally accepted principles of morality."

Right. Because there is nothing offensive on the Internet.

Anyway, the domain registry organization has no say over the content of the domains, just the names of them. So what they're declaring offensive here are two synonymous nouns. Your man tested this by registering "orn.ie" and then providing pornographic content at "p.orn.ie," which was not deemed objectionable by the IEDR.

The pornographer in question thought it was so absurd that those words were deemed offensive that he took the IEDR to court.

At first, the IEDR denied any knowledge of these domain names being refused. When proof was produced, they responded with mentions of child pornography, but generally didn't seem interested in discussing the matter. Nonetheless, the pornographer lost the case.

They found that the words "pornography" and "porn" were not in themselves offensive, however:

Both Parties recognise that the Respondent is a body carrying out functions of a public nature, and is the only body that administers the public resource that is the .ie Internet domain. It would appear therefore that there is no other candidate for the role of arbiter of public policy in respect of the .ie domain space except the Respondent itself.

For reasons given above, in the absence of any other source of public policy and while the logic may appear cyclical, the public policy that this tribunal must apply is the policy of the Respondent. It would not be appropriate for this Appeal tribunal to take upon itself the role of arbiter of public policy.

It follows that this tribunal must also conclude that the registration of either or would be contrary to the public policy governing the .ie domain space as found in the Respondent’s policies.

In short, the IEDR are the law when it comes to domain names, and what they say goes. The denied pornographer ends his posting on sex.ie (which apparently is OK with the IEDR) with this: "Who says Catholic Ireland is dead?"

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This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:59:00 GMT

Is Republican hypocrite Newt Gingrich practicing "gay fascism?"

The Freedom to Marry bill, which would finally bring same-sex marriage to Vermont, was greenlit by the legislature and will likely pass. However, it faces a veto from the state's Governor.

Newsweek asks: "Is gay the new black?" We ask, "What took you so long, Newsweek?"

eHarmony "comes out of the closet" to announce their new gay matchmaking service, Compatible Partners.

Kanye West asks us to never question his manhood. No, the other manhood, silly.

An Australian Catholic priest has been banished from the church for blessing gay couples.

We mentioned in an earlier post that Bruno has received an NC-17 rating after its initial showing at the MPAA. Here's why:

Ratings officials are reportedly concerned over several sexually explicit scenes, including one where Cohen's character engages in what appears to be anal sex with another man. Confirming the rating, a spokesperson for movie studio Universal adds, "On its first submission the film did not receive an R (less restrictive rating), but it is far too early to say that there is any struggle to get there as the process is only at its inception."

As we already knew, the scientific community pretty much unanimously agrees the "ex-gay" thing is fake:

The American Medical Association stated, "Most of the emotional disturbance experienced by gay men and lesbians around their sexual identity is ... due more to a sense of alienation in an unaccepting environment. For this reason, aversion therapy ... is no longer recommended."

The American Academy of Pediatrics warned, "Therapy directed at specifically changing sexual orientation is contraindicated, since it can provoke guilt and anxiety while having little or no potential for achieving changes in orientation."

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Put a Hat on It

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 19:33:00 GMT

A big pope hat.

After the hubbub over the pope's recent assertion that condom usage would complicate the fight against AIDS in Africa, Pope condoms now exist.

That is all.

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Image

Commies, Conflict & Condoms Outside Notre-Dame

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:15:00 GMT

On Tuesday in Africa, Pope Benedict reiterated the Catholic church's stance against condoms when he claimed they were complicating the fight against AIDS. (??!!) His statements were denounced from all sides in France, including by the Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner, who called them "the opposite of tolerance and understanding." Cut to Sunday Mass at Paris' Notre-Dame, where 57 percent of Parisians now disapprove of Pope Benedict. Some of those Commie types showed their displeasure. Add in counter-protesters, and injury and arrests ensued.

A "die-in" was staged (video here) in front of Notre-Dame by Act-Up and AIDS awareness protesters. Their signs depicted the pope and called him an assasin, and they threw down condoms on the square as worshippers left Sunday mass. About 20 young counter-protesters held signs reading "leave my Pope alone." The protest resulted in one injury and four arrests.

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We Had No Idea the Catholic Church Could Be This Scary...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 16:46:00 GMT

We don't specifically set out to attack the Catholic Church, Catholicism itself, or any specific religion or practice. But when we see hypocrisy or any other repulsive public behavior, we'll call it like we see it...

A nun in India, like the ones pictured above, is speaking out about what goes on in her country. Sister Jesme claims that when she joined the Church in Kerala, she discovered priests were forcing the "novices," or new nuns, to have sex with them. She also says she was forced to have a lesbian relationship with another nun because, that way, nobody would get pregnant and be expelled.

Apparently, her Church wasn't the only one engaged in "unpermitted sex": a priest whom she met while traveling the country showed her there was an orgy of heavy petting going on in his backyard, then took off his clothes and demanded she join him, according to the Independent.

The allegations are not the only controversy to rock the Catholic Church in Kerala. Last summer, a 23-year-old novice committed suicide and left a note saying she had been harassed by her Mother Superior. Reports suggest there have been a number of similar suicides. And in November, police in Kerala arrested two priests and a nun in connection with the killing of Sister Abhaya in a notorious 1992 murder.

Sister Jesme recently resigned as the principal for a Catholic college and has written a book entitled Amen, in which she details all the alleged sex, sexual harassment, and general distaste that she experienced in the Church. Church leaders tried to get her committed to a mental institution but she ultimately prevailed and her book is too widely publicized to be supressed.

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Christians Retaliate Against Atheists With Even Lamer Ad Campaign

Atheists in Italy Learn That God Hates Them

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:04:00 GMT

The atheist bus campaign rolls on.

Its latest victims and champions can be found in Italy, where the city of Genoa was supposed to be rewarded for its long ties to some small religion (it apparently involves worshiping an old kook in a big pointy hat) by facing off with the greatest of all evils: a billboard ad.

This time, however, the controversial slogan went unseen by the brainwashed/enlightened masses, thanks to either define intervention or faulty mechanics...

According to the UPI, the first bus to feature a hotly-contested ad ventured out into the streets this morning, only to be confronted by a dying battery. Within minutes, the public transit vehicle was back at headquarters for repairs, and Catholics (and, well, other religious people) were laughing and praising their Lord.

By the way, this is far from the end of the story. The bus should be back on the streets again soon, having survived only the latest of rounds in a long-running dispute. It originally was going to feature an ad reading "The Bad News Is God Doesn't Exist. The Good News Is You Don't Need Him," a much harsher version than the original atheist bus ad running in various parts of the world ('There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.")

The new bus reads: "The Good News Is There Are Millions of Atheists In Italy; The Excellent News Is They Believe In Freedom Of Expression," which gives the impression we're going out with a whimper... and not with a big bang.

Via UPI. Photo via Flickr.

Related:

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Sexy Priest: The 2009 Calendar... From the Vatican

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 21:59:00 GMT

While we have so far been able to track down a reputable online source for the 2009 Men's Rugby calendar we wrote about the other day, perhaps this will make up for it.

Or perhaps not. Priests-- hot or not?

We're surprised Ratzinger signed off on this one, even though it isn't the least bit offensive, sacreligious, or, well, stimulating. Of course, since treating celibate religious figures as sex objects may not be in keeping with the Vatican's puritannical mindset, we're betting whoever produced these for the tiny nation's gift shop snuck the supply in under the radar...

The above twosome feature in this year's edition of the 2009 Calendario Romano, available via this e-mail address. And although this website's Scanner-worthy English describes the calendar as "the most typical souvenir from Rome," we think this is most decidedly a venture only Vatican City could have undertaken...

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More Nude Rugby Calendar Dudes For The Holidays

Now Sweden Has Its Very Own Orgasm Church

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Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:36:00 GMT

A priest in Queens is being sued by a woman he picked up while she was confessing... in his confession booth.

If you think that's choice, wait'll you hear what he did that made her decide to sue his dumb ass...

According to CBS TV in New York, Reverend Elvis (seriously) Elan was preachin' and consolin' at the Our Lady of the Snows Church in Glen Oaks, which is in the borough of Queens, when a woman going through a painful divorce took confession with him.

Laufer says his client, Judith Rodriguez-Lytwyn was vulnerable when she walked into the confessional where Elano allegedly told her, "Your presence struck me like a thunderbolt."

He was so thunderstruck, it seemed, they began having sex and even seeing each other for dinner before the sex. The outrage! Seriously, that's how his flock sees it:

"I can't believe it. You know it knocks me for a loop," said Dan Torpey, one of the church's parishioners. Added parishioner Viola Czajkowski: "I don't see how a priest who took vows could possibly do something like this and have mass every day while this was going on."

Right, but how surprised would you be if Judith turned out to be Jeremy, a seven-year-old choir boy? And, what, this guy should control his sexual urges, as promised? We thought as much. Meanwhile, Rev. Elvis and Judy dated for several months... until...

...her lover sent an e-mail indicating the presence of a sexually transmitted disease he may have gotten from another woman.

Whoops. Reverend Elvis, The Ladykillin' Priest. The rights have probably been snatched up already, with Ron Howard to direct. It'll do 40 mil opening weekend...

Read the rest here. (P.S. Is anyone surprised that the Catholic Church transfered but did not discipline this creep?)

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While You Were Sleeping: Lookin' For Asian Women

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 13:08:00 GMT

The new exhibit on sex and politics opened at the Kinsey Institute at the University of Indiana.

Ex-NBA star Kevin Johnson's run for the Mayor of Sacramento may be in jeopardy after it was revealed he (may have) used AmeriCorps members that were working with his nonprofit do personal errands for him. Oh, and there is the whiff of sex, too.

You'll never guess which celebrity is converting to the Jewish faith to please his girlfriend...

Irish actor Colin Farrell is reportedly abandoning his Catholic faith to convert to Judaism for new girlfriend Emma Forrest. [Farrell] has been dating British novelist Forrest since June, but the romance appears to be turning serious. [Starpulse]

A stolen Renoir was recovered in Italy three decades later.

An assistant principal who had a torrid affair-- with a 17-year-old female student-- will spend the next two years with big burly men.

A man in Brisbane is accused of stroking a latex vagina in front of two women. We're not sure why either.

The Playboy Mansion and the rest of Hugh Hefner's empire could be in trouble if he doesn't lay off some of his staff, according to recent rumors.

The best missed connection we saw this morning:

WHITE MALE LOOKING FO ASIAN WOMEN - m4w - 52 (QUEENS -LI)
I AM A WHITE MALE AND I NEVER HAD AN INDIAN WOMEN AND WOULD LIKE TO EXPERENCE IT. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED PLEASE WRITE BACK WITH A PICTURE AND YOUR AGE.

And Scarlett Johansson married Ryan Reynolds in Canada. Words escape us to aptly describe this tragedy.

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This Week In Gayness: Guys Making Out On CNN

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 14:04:00 GMT

Howard Dean and the DNC in the case of a gay man who is suing for wrongful termination will have to go to trial after mediation failed. Donald Hitchcock was fired after his boyfriend wrote a letter criticizing the DNC's policies on LGBT issues.

The wave of the future: about two-thirds of Americans under 35 are in favor of gay marriage.

As Scanner Emily told you yesterday, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson attacked Sarah Palin for being a media obsessed homophobe in dual blog postings...

I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin.

I couldn't be more supportive of a woman in office, but let's face it, it comes down to the person, and their beliefs, male or female.

Is it a sin to be gay? Should it be a sin to be straight? Or to use birth control? Or to have sex before marriage? Or even to have a child out of wedlock?

I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor. Which is probably all she is qualified to be... Also interesting that she got her passport in 2006... [Read the full post here]

As if the Catholic Church doesn't have enough problems attracting new members, now they're sacking longtime followers who turn out to be gay.

Wearing matching white tuxedo jackets and marching down the aisle together to a song from A Chorus Line, Star Trek's Mr. Sulu, George Takei, married his boyfriend of 21 years in a lavish Buddhist ceremony in California. Can you believe this guy's 71? He sure doesn't look it...

And two guys made out on CNN... sort of...

Via Breitbart.

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There She Is... The World's Most Beautiful Nun

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 17:03:00 GMT

Leave it to Italy to try and address the marginalization of nuns in the Catholic Church by throwing them a beauty pageant. The "Miss Sister 2008" contest, starting in September, will take place on the blog of Rev. Antonio Rungi where nuns from around the world will showcase their work alongside a photo.

But, Rev. Rungi explains--

"We are not going to parade nuns in bathing suits," Rungi said by telephone from his town of Mondragone. "But being ugly is not a requirement for becoming a nun. External beauty is gift from God, and we mustn't hide it."

What a shocker that this is happening in the country where prime minister Berlusconi, when it came time for reelection, was quoted as saying:

"The left has no taste, not even when it comes to women...As for our (women candidates) being more beautiful, I say that because in parliament they have no competition."

Exorcist: Keep It In Your Pants Or Beelzebub's Gonna Getcha

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 14:38:00 GMT

The top diocese of the Catholic Church in England and Wales knows how to attract publicity, even for scholarly texts about exorcism: listing the top ways to avoid him having to perform it on your punk ass...

Highlights of the excerpts we've gleaned:

"Among the causes of homosexuality is a contagious demonic factor.
"Even heterosexual promiscuity is a perversion; and intercourse, which belongs in the sanctuary of married love, can become a pathway not only for disease but also for evil spirits."

"Some very unpleasant things must be mentioned because young people, especially, are vulnerable and we must do what we can to protect and warn them..."

He also said that Satan is responsible for having blinded most secular humanists to the "dehumanising effects of contraception and abortion and IVF, of homosexual 'marriages', of human cloning and the vivisection of human embryos in scientific research." Extreme secular humanism, "atheist scientism", is comparable to "rational satanism" and these are leading Europe into a dangerous state of apostasy. "Only by a genuine personal decision for Christ and the Church can someone separate himself from it."

Well, we're beyond fucked-- repenting now, we'd spent the rest of our lives saying Hail Mary's just for the first 27-odd years.

Read more of this man's infinite wisdom here. Also, check out this headline on the Catholic Herald website, from which much of the above text originated: 'The Bible is a great adventure for kids'

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Today in WTF: Ex-Candidate For Kentucky Gov. Arrested For Sex Offenses After Obvious Joke

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

This week we welcomed Verena Von Pfetten to the Scanner fold, although this photo and caption has nothing to do with nudie shoots or this post.

There were a couple of nude photos, including rugby players and supermodels, but more memorably... there were animal sex photos!

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole may have found the love of her life. A few readers will be fighting her for him, for sure.

We found some gay animals. Better yet-- we found pictures of gay animals fucking!

We took it from behind while playing Super Mario Bros.

A porn star solved the Catholic crisis.

A whole shitload of British tourists were busted after an oral sex contest went so, so right.

We fawned over the greatest pet story ever told.

Mischa Barton almost looked kind of hot (sort of) in her latest almost-nude attempt at relevance.

LOWS:

We dug some mispellings. Not just in our posts-- in tatoos!

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel broke up. Should this one be in the "Highs?"

Officer Dick would fine Gisele Bundchen for her droopy pants. Although we're not going to stop her from taking these photos.

We found that 63% women have been unnecessarily groped on the subway. We would put "getting jizzed on" under "unnecessary" as well.

Sienna Miller stole a husband... and our hearts. Well, not really, she just kind of rubbed us the wrong way while going topless.

We were disappointed British lesbians did not pick Susan Sarandon as their "dream date." However, the winner is still pretty tantalizing at 62.

And the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Dad" was arrested. Wanna guess what he's in for?

Surprise! Which Event Will Enhance Australia's Sex Industry?

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:12:00 GMT

According to this article:

A report by Industry analysts IBISWorld predicted the 2008-09 financial year would see strong growth for brothels, strip clubs and prostitutes, primarily on the back of a marked increase in tourism levels to Sydney as a result of...

Here's a clue, it's not the annual Masturbate-a-thon.

It's the Catholic Church's World Youth Day!

When contacted for comment, "Ramada Khawley, function manager for strip clubs such as Men's Gallery and Pure Platinum, said she was not expecting an upswing in trading."

"We're not making any special preparations for World Youth Day," she said.

"But we'll keep a table reserved for the Pope."

McCain's Pastor Says Homos May Not Be Responsible For Katrina

Katie Halper — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 20:58:00 GMT

McCain was "very honored" when he received the endorsement of Pastor John Hagee. Who wouldn't be psyched to get the support of someone who said homosexuals caused Katrina, calls the Catholic Church "The Great Whore," and compares the two-state solution to Nazis?

Hagee was quick to pin Katrina on the homosexuals and sinners of New Orleans. Speaking on God's behalf, Hagee explained "when you violate God's will long enough, the judgment of God comes to you. Katrina is an act of God for a society that is becoming Sodom and Gomorrah reborn." And he stuck to his story, reiterating his belief that "the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans."

Mccain has been less unwavering and more bi-curious, saying that it was "probably a mistake" to solicit Hagee's endorsement and stating that he is "glad to have" it.

Now it looks like some of McCain's wishywashyness may have rubbed off on Haggee, who last week announced "As a believing Christian, I see the hand of God in everything that happens here on earth, both the blessings and the curses.... But ultimately neither I nor any other person can know the mind of God concerning Hurricane Katrina."

This has been hailed as a "retraction" and "repudiation" of Hagee's Katrina comments. It seems more like an adjustment. It's not that Hagee is retracting the idea that God could, should and would meteorologically punish homosexual sinners. It's just that Hagee doesn't know for sure if that's what was motivating God and he doesn't want to be presumptuous. After all, there are a lot of Catholics in New Orleans. So Katrina could been God's wrath towards the "false cult."

previously: Reverend Jeremiah Wright: On Our To-Do List, Minor Detail About Reverend Wright's 9/11 Sermon: He Didn't Say It! ,Top 10 Outrageous Quotes From McCain's Spiritual Advisers