Scanner : chocolate

Kama Sutra Chocolate

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:47:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: What is it about chocolate and sex that go so well together? Never mind, I think I figured it out.

Anyway, want the Kama Sutra in chocolate form? So do I, but this solid milk chocolate bar only comes in one Kama Sutra position of your choice. Which is too bad, because there's an even better, naughtier version of the Kama Sutra in Chocolate:

Read more...

Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:09:00 GMT

Sandra Bullock is "not sure" she wants kids. Apparently this warrants a news story. [Us]

We blame South Park for making us laugh every time we see the word "probe" no matter the context. Today's laughable headline: "Police, 50 Cent see house fire probe differently." Sort-of sounds like something that could be cleared up with a little Preparation H, right? [Yahoo!]

As long as we can remember Emily has been one of the top 10 baby names for girls. This year, we're at number three. And we're pretty sure we've dated at least one of each from the baby boy section. [SSA.gov]

Sorry for the late notice on Free Chocolate Day. [The Inquisitr]

Firtexting: apparently more than just a thing to do when you want some booty. A site? A book? A worldview? [BuzzFeed]

Apparently all of those soap operas we watched with the summer between first and second grade (and second and third and third and fourth and fourth and fifth... well, you get the picture) turned us slutty. [KIDK]

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While You Were Sleeping: Post-Sex Guilt

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

Larry Craig, age four.

Loony Michele Bachman of Loony Minnesota (just kidding, although see above) knows there are exactly 17 socialists in Congress. You know, back in the day, we ran Joe McCarthy out of town with smarter quips than that.

Does your male lover suffer from "post-sex guilt?"

The White House is under attack! By bees.

Ah, yes, another crazy white supremacist with a firearm. Wonders never cease.

Britney Spears had this advice for her audience, generally made up of young girls and their patient mothers: "Don't smoke weed. Rock out with your cocks out. Peace, motherfuckers!"

Controversial (and therefore great) filmmaker Kirby Dick follows up his anti-MPAA movie "This Film Is Not Rated" with a movie that attempts to expose closeted American political figures.

Farrah Fawcett is well enough to leave the hospital.

Just in time for Easter, the Nestle's Chocolate Milk thief has struck again in Congress.

And Sony wants to put its movies on YouTube for free. We'll believe it when we get to the end credits.

While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

Dr. Ruth Has Something Sweet for You This Valentine's Day

Emily Farris — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:24:00 GMT

The ever-adorable Dr. Ruth was on Today this morning to promote her newest book, "Top 10 Secrets for Great Sex." And for those of you not having sex, she has a few tips for you this Valentine's Day. The first is, of course, "read the book." The second?

"Go out and buy an ice cream cone. And practice on it."

Related:

What's Cuter than Old People Writing About Young Peoples' Sex Lives? Nothing!

This Thanksgiving, Just Shut Up and Be Thankful for Your Faithful Mate (Who You Probably Don't Really Have)

75-Year-Old Granny Shows Teenage Strippers What A Real Act Looks Like

Ruth Wallis, Queen of the Party Song, Dead at 87

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Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

Late last year, as men's magazines were coming out with their hottest women on the planet lists, we started to put together a list of hot, normal-sized women. As much as we hate the idea of having to create a separate list for women size 10 and up, we can't imagine the editors of FHM or Maxim drooling over a size 10 or 12. You can call Beyonce curvy all you want, she's probably still only a size 6. Hence the need for this list.

Unfortunately, we got stuck at around seven. We couldn't come up with ten relevant, prominent women who were the size of the average American woman (14) who could turn heads. Frustrated, we gave up on it. But last week, when we heard that Anna Wintour—who, to put it plainly, does not like fat girls—was going to fill the pages of Vogue with pictures of British songstress and former Crush of the Week Adele, we enlisted the help of our girlfriends to complete the list. It turns out most of them were frustrated, too, that they couldn't contribute more than one or two names. "This is sadly hard!!!" wrote one, to which we replied, "Actually, it's infuriatingly hard." But three months and 37 emails later, we have a list of ten amazingly hot women who we assume* wear a size 10 or larger. We know we've left plenty of beautiful women off of this list (and we hope you'll list them in the comments section), but we hope you'll enjoy Scanners Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up.

10. Keely Shaye Smith
Though she has an acting career of her own, we really only know Kelly Shaye Smith as Pierce Brosnan's wife—and unfortunately only because tabloids made terrible fun of some bikini photos of her. But we give Brosnan two thumbs up for his beautiful buxom bride of eight years.

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9. Missy Elliott
We have a hard time imagining Missy Elliot in anything but a trash bag, but once she ditched that getup, she got pretty damn hot. (Okay, she was hot then, but the trash bag really wasn't doing much for her.)

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8. Janet Weiss
Is there anything hotter than a chick who plays bass? How about a chick who plays drums? Janet Weiss, former drummer for the now defunct riot grrrl band Sleater-Kinney, now plays with Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks.

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7. Sara Ramirez
She was hot as George's wife, Callie Watts on Grey's Anatomy, but now that she's bringing some hot, lesbian action to the show, we imagine Sara Ramirez has earned herself a whole new set of fans (including us!).

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6. Adele
Had anyone heard of Adele before she made an appearance on what will forever be referred to as Sarah Palin's Saturday Night Live episode? Lucky for her, and us, everyone was watching. Just a few short months later, she took home a Grammy for Best New Artist.

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5. Jennifer Hudson
From American Idol to Dreamgirls to her 2009 Grammy Award for Best R&B Album, whenever we see Jennifer Hudson, we can't help but be proud of our own curves. We usually also put on a tight dress and dance around the house to Supremes albums.

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4. Neko Case
Men want her and women want to be her. Neko Case is a woman you can't help but like, and the ~~former~~ front woman for the New Pornographers is beautiful with her firey red hair and pale skin. At first we had a hard time believing Case was a 10, but we have it on very good authority (a friend who works in the music industry) that she is. And we like it.

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3. Queen Latifah
Easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl, actress, singer and rapper Queen Latifah has managed to reinvent herself enough to remain relevant—and smokin'—for 20 years. Here's hoping for another 20.

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2. Nigella Lawson
Without the T&A we all love so much, Nigella Lawson could probably squeeze that little waist of hers into a size 6. But we would hate for that to happen. Not only is she gorgeous, Lawson has gone through so much shit in her life (she lost her mother, her sister and her first husband to cancer) yet still manages to make sure we all eat enough chocolate.

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1. Christina Hendricks
We have to bow at the feet of Christina Hendricks for bringing Joan Holloway and her gorgeous curves into our lives, and back into the mainstream popular culture. While she likes her dresses snug, we heard from someone who used to share her clothes that she's most certainly a size 10. And on a scale of 1 to 10, a 10.

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*Disclaimer: This size thing is based purely on our own assumptions and/or input from people who claim to know. But being a size 10 ourselves, we're pretty good at guessing these things.

Related:

Top 10 Rich People Who Look Poor

Top 10 Things We Didn't Need to Waste Time Doing This Year But Did Anyway (File Under: Facebook)

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

Crush of the Week: Adele

Jennifer Hudson Looking Hot on Her New Album Cover

That Sex Toy Is... Pooooisssoooon

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 20:16:00 GMT

We've received a slew of tips for this one, from reader Elissar to former Nerve contributer James Frey (thanks all!), which shows you how alarmed people are.

It seems that Ann Summers, seller of sex toys and other goodies in UK stores, has recalled Chocolate-flavored body spreads and/or Chocolate-flavored penis and nipple spreads due to contaminated contents. The products are spiked with melamine, the same chemical that killed at least four Chinese babies in recent weeks, thanks to its inclusion in milk powder products. (No one is deliberately posioning anyone, at least we don't think so-- melamine, which is non-toxic in small amounts, is sometimes used illegally so products will pass protein requirements, among other less-nefarious reasons.)

The British Food Standards Agency (FSA) said melamine had been found in Chinese-made "I Love You" sets, sold at Ann Summers sex shops, containing chocolate and strawberry body pens and chocolate-flavoured penis and nipple spreads.

"This is a first. We've never had to put out an alert before on 'willy spread' -- chocolate-flavoured or otherwise," the FSA said on its Web site...

Via Reuters.

Related:

Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

Want To Have Sex With Obama?

Republican Ex-Assemblyman, Tough On Sex Offenders, Busted For...

Today in WTF: Virtual Boob Groping

Today in Sex Toys: The Shaver Vibrator

Sloppy Seconds: Olympic Horses In Doping Scandal

Swedish Boarding School Initiates Sex Games For New Students

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:22:00 GMT

Have we mentioned how much we love Sweden? First, many of its young ladies enjoy having sex with one another. It's also in Europe, somewhere, so that's helpful.

Seriously, this new story from Sweden, which involves boarding school students, sex games, bananas, and chocolate make take the, um, cake...

It seems that for the new autumn semester of Riksbasket Gymnasiet, a boarding school for students who are more focused on basketball than school books, the new students got a welcoming party they hadn't bargained for.

“In one game boys had their upper bodies covered in chocolate and the girls had to lick it off,” said Ewa Lundström, principle for sports high schools in Luleå, to Sveriges Radio.
“In another game the girls were lying on the floor with a banana in their mouth while the boys did pushups on top of them and ate the bananas,” said Lundström.

Of course, school officials are ruining all the fun by launching a full investigation into the serious, serious matter. Students, meanwhile, are probably realizing that they need to tighten the ranks to the most trustworthy friends, who aren't likely to snitch, and then at least try to get more creative about their initiation methods.

We recommend ice cubes on a hot day, a la Do The Right Thing.

Via The Local.

Swedish Prostitutes Complain: "We Wanna Pay Taxes, Too!"

Scanner Highs And Lows: Sweden Or Sexism?

16 Year Old Boy Figures Out How To Rip Off Sex Offenders, Get Rich

While You Were Sleeping: Sex and Chocolate

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 13:29:00 GMT

The government took over Freddie Mac and Sallie Mae, once again proving that if you bring in enough money, it doesn't matter who you fuck over, there will always be someone willing to bail you out.

That Asian junkie you've been reading about has thankfully kicked his addiction. You remember the story: he's an elephant.

Gisele Bundchen clears up those rumors about her "impending" marriage to Tom Brady:

Don’t place any bets on when Gisele Bündchen might marry boyfriend Tom Brady, says the supermodel. “I’m happy as I am,” she tells the Spanish edition of Vogue in its September issue. “Why is the whole world worked up about my getting married? I’m having a great time and I want to enjoy it.”

The Jerry Seinfeld commercial for Microsoft appears to have stumped everyone. Everyone.

Could the Top Chef: Ultimate Fighting Championship spinoff be far away in the future?

Obama and McCain will honor the victims of 9/11 and speak at Columbia University on the anniversary of the attacks. And yes, they were attacks, not bombings.

Meanwhile, the conservatives in Canada are learning how employ nasty Rovian tactics at home: the Prime Minister dissolved parliament in hopes the third election in just a few months will increase the conservative grip on government.

Between My Sheets polled the Top 100 sex bloggers of 2008. Obviously, we didn't make it because Between My Sheets isn't hip enough, damn it!

And Teri Hatcher has figured out the secret to life. Luckily for guys everywhere, it involves having sex with her:

[She] has motherly advice for her daughter – and the Desperate Housewives star is only too eager to share it. “Have great sex [and] eat the chocolate,” the single mom advises 10-year-old Emerson – and the general reading public – in Hatcher’s October column for Britain’s Glamour magazine.

Related:

Lindsay Lohan's "Secret Talent" Was Buried Forever

Quote of the Day: "I molded my ass."

Pure, Selfish, Chocolate-Filled Pleasure

Sloppy Seconds: Woman Who Delivered Baby In Car For VP?

While You Were Sleeping: Who Looks Best In A Bikini?

Giorgia Palmas Becomes Overnight Internet Sensation Based On One Photo

Gisele Bundchen's Latest Nude Shoot May Be Her Finest Work Yet

Quote of the Day: "I molded my ass."

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 17:43:00 GMT

"I molded my ass, so I could call it 'chocolate starfish.' It was white chocolate, and I put a dark chocolate little thing right in the middle."

Who said it?

That's what Girls Next Door star Kendra Wilkinson gave her boyfriend Hugh Hefner for his 82nd birthday.

What else did he get?

Pam Anderson jumping naked out of a giant birthday cake, that's what.

[Us: Girls Next Door React to Pam Anderson Giving Hef B-Day Cake Naked]

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Sloppy Seconds: Who Says Homosexuality and Polygamy Are The Same Thing?

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 May 2008 22:01:00 GMT

We'll never think of Folsom Prison the same way again. [Fleshbot]

Ultra-Orthodox residents of Jerusalem have demanded a "Sex and the City" movie billboard be taken down because it contains the word "sex." Hm, "And the City," kind-of sounds like our life lately. [Defamer]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer has officially become college curriculum. Maybe it's finally time for us to start watching. [elPasoTimes]

Ted Kennedy's recent seizure was apparently caused by a brain tumor. So sad. [NYT]

Chocolate-covered bacon? We'll take 17, please. [Slog]

Giant carnivorous mice make us think of those scary rats from The Princess Bride, except scarier, because they're real. [Guardian]

Yeah, Ellen Degeneres should not get married because homosexuality is just like polygamy, according to a crazy woman who is "concerned for women" and, apparently, marriage. [Queerty]

The Incredible, Edible Anus is Way Too Popular for Its Own Good

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 May 2008 21:02:00 GMT

Is this the opposite of food porn?

We're assuming that the online shop for Bisus Chocolates is closed due to demand being greater than supply, because who wouldn't want to eat chocolates in the shape of an asshole?

These chocolates are created with one thing on our mind: to produce a combination of taste and touch that takes you to chocolate anus heaven.

Yum! But for those rather preserve their assholes, may we present the limited-edition silver-plated asshole?

55 grams of hallmarked silver, cradled in a magnificent presentation box and exquisitely crafted into that most sensuous of body parts: a unique, elegant and thought-provoking gift. Edition of 100 (edition # engraved)

People come and people go. Our solid silver anus is immune from the daily wear and tear that similar products experience. A quality product immortalised in silver…for the man who has everything.

Don't believe us? Go to edibleanus.com and find out for yourself.

[Edible Anus via YBNBY]

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:17:00 GMT

A reader sent us this delightfully ageist, partisan hatchet job on the candidate attempting to become the oldest President ever (no, not Hillary Clinton, c. 2013), Senator John McCain.

John McCain is older than the word "old." When John McCain was a child, his granpappy was referred to as "ye olde man." Note the difference in spelling. John McCain is older than nylons, which means he is older than boners. Do we sound too much like "The Late Show With David Letterman?" We apologize-- although you should still check out our hilarious little list, stolen straight from the website "Things Younger Than John McCain."

10. Velcro

9. Plutonium

8. Both of Barack Obama's biological parents

7. Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney, for God's sake. Support somebody else!

6. Cheerios. Cheerios... Jesus Almighty, we thought the caveman had been the one to figure out what to do with little oats.

5. Scientology. Take that, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and that embarrassing woman from "Cheers"-- Scientology is a figment of our cultural imagination and not to be taken any more seriously than, uh, Christianity, for example.

4. Spam. Not only the internet annoyance... the food made famous by Monty Python!

3. The Golden Gate Bridge

2. Alaska

1. The Chocolate Chip Cookie

Runners up: AARP, Mount Rushmore, McDonald's, nylon, and FM radio, as well as many other shockers at "Things Younger Than McCain."

Thanks to Rachel R. for the link!

Rape = Chocolate Cake?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 15:29:00 GMT

The British National Party, "a far-right, whites-only party in the United Kingdom," [Wikipedia] is stirring up a hornet's nest full of stink with this latest social faux pas. It all started when some people with IQs above 14 got around to reading one candidate's blog...

"Rape is simply sex (I am talking about 'husband-rape' here)... Women enjoy sex, so rape cannot be such a terrible physical ordeal…To suggest that rape, when conducted without violence, is a serious crime is like suggesting force-feeding a woman chocolate cake is a heinous offence.”

Wow. We're not really sure which voters London Assembly candidate John Bull (yes, his real name) was trying to woo with this charming entry on his Blogspot page; Britain, as in America, does not have a large rapist voting bloc. We hope. Perhaps, as sources speculate, this was an attempt at "humor," an ancient Cossackian initiatian ritual, which is foreign to modern man.

In any case, Mr. Bull's response was the typical non-defense defense:

"It was never intended that each line be taken literally; that would be absurd."

Right, don't explain-- just say it was a joke. That'll end the discussion automatically. And make sure it's a great joke, like the one you heard at the urinal about how rape is like chocolate fucking cake.

Almost 80% of rapes are “acquaintance rapes,” or sexual acts forced upon women by someone they know. Partner/husband rapes are the most common... [Londonist]

I am no longer a candidate, an official or even a member of the BNP. [Bull's blog]

Way to stand by your statement without apology, show strength, and then to go into hiding because you believe in it so strongly. Making your party look wonderful, dude.

John Bull's Blog; the Londonist story.

Is It Politically Incorrect to Say "Happy Easter?"

Emily Farris — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 14:31:00 GMT

Yeah, it probably is. But we needed an excuse to post this thing.

If We'd Had a Valentine, He Would Have Given Us the Chocolate Scrabble Bar

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 18:22:00 GMT

[Chocolate Scrabble]

Nintendo-Themed Valentine's Chocolates Harder to Get Than a Wii

Bryan Christian — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Find yourself in love with a serious video-game geek? Better not mention that you missed out on the totally sold-out Mii chocolates created especially for love-struck nerds by Nebraska designer Paul Pape.

This box of candy has it all. In fact, the box is even part of the gift. Crafted to look like a game unit with a very sweet message on the top, the box opens to reveal two chocolate figures with little red-hot hearts on their shirts. You can choose to have the traditional boy and girl grouping, or any combination of the two, so give the gift to a loved one or share with a friend.

SOLD. OUT. Drat. And we were gonna buy like 5 boxes and throw a huge Mii "grouping," if you know what we mean. Next year!

Previously: Sloppy Seconds: Nerd Love

Willy Wonka's Chocolate-Squishing Factory

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 15:15:00 GMT

There are no vibrators, porn, or David Hasselhoff, but there's something about this story we can't get over. Barry Colenso, British chocolatier who once made an entire billboard out of chocolate, has resigned from his position as master chocolatier at Thorton's after he was caught by employees of a rival store in an "act of truffle-squishing." This is not something that actually happens, this is the climax of a movie starring Bill Murray about a chocolatier who found his wife in bed with his best friend that morning, then lost a huge client at work because he mistakenly insulted the man's wife, and stepped in dog poop after being thrown out of his limousine. Can't you just see the guy at the end of his rope, all rage and frustration, reason and propriety out the window, just squishing and squishing this asshole rival's truffles. It's Dan Ackroyd in Trading Places. Forgive us for digressing into breaking chocolate news, we become giddy anytime someone with the word "master" in their title has a public meltdown

In the News: Colbert for Prez, Naked Chocolate Jesus, Pillow Fight!

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 13:05:00 GMT

We wish this wasn't a joke: Stephen Colbert is running for President. "After nearly 15 minutes of soul-searching, I have heard the call," said Colbert.

See, no one ever talks about sexy, man-loving feminists, but they should: Survey finds that feminists have healthier, more romantic heterosexual relationships. Older men with feminist partners said they had more stable relationships and greater sexual satisfaction.

Holiness never tasted so delicious: Naked chocolate Jesus sculpture to be shown at a New York City art gallery amid some protest. The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights said it will not protest because, unlike before, there are no plans to put the "anatomically correct" Jesus in public view during Holy Week.

That's it, pillow-fight the argument away: Belgian students organize a giant pillow fight mocking linguistic and regional rivalries between Dutch and French speakers. The impasse prompted media to speculate that the 177-year-old nation might break apart.