Scanner : christians

This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:45:00 GMT

Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke just gave us another reason to hate his awful company-- he signed a petition to ban gay adoptions in Arkansas.

A gay porn star attending college has received a reported 150 hate e-mails from so-called "good Christians."

Bigots like Rick Warren and Sarah Palin are among Time's 100 Most Influential People.

Moron Republican Congressman Steve King thinks gays wouldn't get "bashed" so much if they just stopped acting so gay (never mind that many hate crime victims are straight people mistaken for homosexuals.) Jon Stewart, thankfully, had something to say about this.

Kudos to Britain for banning hatemonger and violence-inciting shout machine Michael Savage from entering their country ever again.

A McDonald's in Kentucky settled with two patrons who were called "faggots" by restaurant staff.

By the way, we heard that the Democratic Governor of New Hampshire might veto the gay marriage bill. Anyone else heard this?

The most trusted Mom(s) in America? Portia and Ellen:

With 31%, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi took the top spot. Rounding out the list were Jennifer Aniston (22%), Rachel Ray (20%), Angelina and Brad (18%) and coming in last was Oprah Winfrey with 9%. [Strollerderby]

Related:

Kiwis Krazy for Shirtless Servers

This Week in Gayness: Men's Magazines

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

This Week in Gayness: Gay Conversions Under Attack

You Can Take the Boy Out of Chelsea...

The Gaythering Storm Against Anti-Gay Organization NOM

Sloppy Seconds: Another Woman We've Never Heard of is FHM's Sexiest Woman in the World

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 22:32:00 GMT

Waterboarding: Bad. Waterboarding Sean Hannity? Eh. For charity? Ahhh, maybe?No. No. Waterboarding is bad. [Huffington Post]

Vice, most recent employer of the Hipster Grifter, has launched a new series on the Vice Broadcasting System called "Beyond the Pages of Vice." It's basically filming them working on their articles, and the first is a look at the, uh, dangers of mixing aerosol hairspray and fire. No word yet on whether or not the Hipster Grifter or her boobs will make an appearance in future episodes. [VBS]

We were just thinking about switching to a bra without underwires, because, well, we don't have much to hold up. But not now. A Detroit woman's underwire actually deflected a bullet! [2News]

Miley Cyrus may be a bratty little Southerner who loves little baby Jesus, but she also loves the gays (her new fanbase?). [AfterEllen]

Last year, when FHM named Megan Fox "Sexiest Woman in the World," we were all "WTF?", the 'W' standing for "who," of course. We're singing the same song for this year's winner Cheryl Cole. May she find the same, uh, fame as Fox in the coming year. [FHM]

Rhythm Gymnast Swizzles Her Ribbon All Over FHM Magazine

Who Would You Rather: Megan Fox vs. Gemma Arterton?

Megan Fox's Lesbian (Stripper) Love

Even Christians Admit That Abstinence Pledges Don't Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 16:07:00 GMT

We liberal athiests can talk all we want about the fact that virginity pledges and purity rings don't really work, but even with statistics, it's just us against them. But when Christian bloggers start writing about it, we have to ask: I can haz sex education?

Mark Gungor, a writer for the Christian Post writes:

A recent survey showed that teens who take abstinence pledges are just as likely to have sex and are less likely to take precautions against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Many in the faith community are disheartened by such study results, but I can see how this happens. And it’s not a problem with the kids; it’s a problem of parenting. Parents assume because the church is doing something like having the kids make abstinence pledges and wearing promise rings, they don’t have to do anything. Parents are not taking their responsibility to parent and raise these kids; they get them to take the pledge and then take their hands off. They allow these young men and young women to spend inordinate amounts of time together alone and think that a purity ring on their finger is going to be the magic force field of protection. Listen, for teenagers to have sex, they have to have the opportunity to have sex and poor parenting is giving them the opportunities.

Unfortunately, he goes on to advocate for less privacy for teens. You know, don't let your kids hang out alone in the basement. But hey, at least he uses the word boobies:

I am stunned at how blatantly stupid some Christian parents seem to be when it comes to sexual things. They let their kids watch all kinds of blatantly sexual images in movies and on television with little thought of how those images and messages can affect them. I know of a pastor friend who allowed his young daughter to see the movie Titanic at least 11 times. This same pastor was all worried about anything she saw that he deemed to be satanic, like Harry Potter, but not at all concerned about his 14 year old daughter learning the lessons found in a movie like Titanic. And the lessons are very simple: If you really like a boy you can let him see your boobies and he can draw pictures of your boobies, and if you really like him, you can have sex with him two days later…

Look, the chances of your teenage daughter wanting to jump on a broom and fly around the room are pretty low. But, the chances that your daughter’s boyfriend will want to touch her boobies, well… I’d give that a pretty big chance, wouldn’t you? Talk about straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel! We need to get our priorities straight.

What he forgot to mention are the chances your daughter will want to dry hump the hell out of that broom. And parents: let her do that.

[Christian Post: Abstinence Pledges Fail]

Related:

Happy Abstinence-Only Education Day!

Michigan Backs Teen Pregnancy and the Spread of STDs with $1.4M Grant

Abstinence-Only Education Doesn't Work

The Gay Marriage Debate Rages on in California

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 18:14:00 GMT

Yesterday the California Supreme Court met to deliberate on the issue of gay marriage in the state yet again, after the court's May ruling to allow same-sex couples to marry was reversed when voters approved Proposition 8 in November.

The hearing lasted more than three hours and though the seven justices all seemed to agree that the 18,000 same-sex couples who married legally before Prop. 8 passed would remain legally wed, it appears the court may be leaning in favor of Prop. 8

"Here we are dealing with the power of the people, the inalienable right, to amend the Constitution," Justice Joyce Kennard, who voted in favor of legalizing gay marriage in May, said.

What else was heard at the hearing? And what did Kenneth Starr have to say?

"A guarantee of equality that is subject to exceptions by the majority is no guarantee at all."

-Therese Stewart, San Francisco chief deputy city attorney, arguing that Prop. 8 violates equal-rights principles in the state Constitution

"The people established the Constitution. As judges, our power is very limited."

-Justice Joyce Kennard

"Is it for this court to limit the people's power to amend the Constitution?"

-Chief Justice Ronald George

"Proposition 8 does not erode any of the bundle of rights that this state has very generously provided" to same-sex couples.

-Kenneth Starr, lawyer for Protect Marriage, the sponsor of Prop. 8

"If you're in the marriage business, do it equally. If you're not going to do it equally, then get out of the marriage business."

-Michael Maroko, a lawyer for same-sex couples, replying to a question about whether the court should reserve the name "marriage" for religious ceremonies and convert existing civil marriages to civil unions

"It would exceed the power of this court."

-Starr, answering the same question

[SF Gate: Justices seem to be leaning in favor of Prop. 8]

Related:

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

Sloppy Seconds: Which Power Ranger Is Guilty of Murder?

This Week in Gayness: Ellen vs. the Bigots

This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Emily Farris — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 17:53:00 GMT

Meet Ed Young. He's a Baptist minister in Texas and not only does he have an incredible tan, he wants you to have more sex! Young also has a church in Miami, which could explain the tan, but why the sex?

Unfortunately, it's not as exciting as it sounds. Young only wants you to have more sex if you're in a married couple, and then only to your spouse. So the gays and single folk of the world are out. For those who've exchanged rings, however, Young has launched a teaching seminar called "Leaving Lust Vegas" (a title not quite as clever as his book "Rating Your Dating While Waiting for Mating") which encourages couples to have more sex with each other, so they don't go and have it with other people.

"We want to turn whining into whoopi!" said Young. "With the current financial crises, moral debates on marriage, growing divorce rates, and rampant marital infidelity, marriages and families are under siege; there is a lot of whining going on. We want married people to see their bedroom for what it is - a magnet of stability, something that draws them away from the dangerous pull of lust that derails so many couples. We want couples to intentionally walk, even run, toward the marriage bed and away from sin city. By experiencing a sexual relationship the way God intended it, we hope couples will begin to see things with greater clarity. I often say, 'so goes marriage, so goes the family. And ultimately, so goes our decisions and choices in this uncertain world.' I know it is radical, but it's all about building stronger marriages," Young explains.

So, sex is radical, but a sermon titled "Why Gay is Not O.K" is not? What the hell is going on in Texas?

[Religion Blog: Baptist pastor says: "More sex!"]

Related:

This Week In Gayness: Doctors Shocked To Learn They Can't Reject Gay Patients

Sloppy Seconds: No More Penis Pumps

It's Always the Unsuspecting Girls Who Turn Out to be Crazy Christians

Does the Establishment Clause Exclude Santa Claus?

Christians Having Better Sex Than You

Video of the Day: Wigging Out Over Jesus

Emily Farris — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 17:52:00 GMT

Forgive us if you've seen this before, but it's only 31 seconds of your life we're asking you to relive if you have. And don't you think watching a woman lose her wig when the spirit moves her is worth half a minute of your God-damned time?

It's Always the Unsuspecting Girls Who Turn Out to be Crazy Christians

Emily Farris — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:01:00 GMT

And by "unsuspecting" we mean skanky attention whores.

We don't really have anything against Christians. Or skanky attention whores for that matter. Without them, what would we write about? It's the combination of Christian and skanky attention whore that bothers us...

...which is why we're bothered by the fact that Heidi Montag — of The Hills and cat fight fame — wants to make a Christian album.

Montag, who apparently identifies as a "non-denominational Baptist," told Us "I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God."

The most religious person? That's, like, totally awesome. And by awesome we mean like God. Because God can help her out of sticky situations. When asked about the fact that she may or may not have spread sex tape rumors about Hills co-star Lauren Conrad, Montag replied, "God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?"

Wow, we can't believe we didn't see the similarities between Montag and Jesus before. We are not worthy, Heidi.

[Us: Heidi Montag: I Want to Record a Christian Album]

Related:

Heidi Montag: When Any Attention Is Better Than No Attention

Heidi Montag Endorses McCain; Alarmed GOPers Head For the Hills

Sloppy Seconds: The Baldwins on Gay Marriage and the Unfortunate Pairing of Heidi Montag and Britney Spears

Sloppy Seconds: Fox News on "The Secret" to Great Sex, R. Kelly's Erotic Jungle Fantasty and Heidi Montag and Her Belly Ring in Maxim

Jesus: Out Of My Dreams and Into My Car?

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 13:44:00 GMT

Earlier this year the South Carolina legislature unanimously decided the state's new license plates would boast a Christian cross and the tagline "I believe."

Not only did the governor approve this measure, but the lieutenant governor offered to put up $4,000 of his own money to ensure that his state would be the first to issue the plates (because we're sure New York, Missouri and California are currently devising ways to beat South Carolina to this).

Now we don't know about you, but we believe that's highly unconstitutional. And so do Americans United for Separation of Church and state, who have filed a federal lawsuit to stop the production of the plates.

The license plate law was passed with a slew of other religious laws in the state, much to the objection of groups like the American Civil Liberties Union and the American Jewish Congress

Maybe we should all be thinking about what Jesus would do in this situation. We imagine he'd suggest, instead, the sale of those plastic license plate frames that sport the "I believe" tagline at every Wal-Mart and gas station in South Carolina.

But like any good followers, South Carolina's politicians now say the plates are "out of their hands."

[NYT: Group Sues to Keep Cross Off Car Plates]

Related:

Does the Establishment Clause Exclude Santa Claus?

The Second Coming: Sin-Free Sex Toys for Christians

Big Church Comes from a Big Family, With Big Boobs and All

Big Church Comes from a Big Family, With Big Boobs and All

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 May 2008 15:58:00 GMT

Is anyone really surprised that BigChurch.com, a Christian dating site, is owned by Penthouse Media, which also owns AdultFriendFinder.com (glad we had our pop-up blocker enabled for that one) and bondage.com?

Only the Christians.

Well, only the Christians using the site. And even then maybe we should narrow it down to only the Christians using the site who also believe that anything with the world "Christian" in it is somehow looking out for them.

As our friend Rev. Bryan Hooper (yes, even sex bloggers have pastor friends) said in an email, "Penthouse is a business. Their goal is to make money. The same is true for BigChurch.com. It has nothing to do with religion — good or bad. It's just another marketing angle."

Amen to that.

The financially-struggling Penthouse group recently moved into the social networking world after its old core magazine business was undermined by the explosion of pornography on the internet.

But a series of other Christian websites are highlighting the marriage between the pious and the promiscuous in an effort to woo the devout away from the BigChurch embrace.

No matter who owns it, it appears to be working for some people... if the testimonials are to be believed:

"I feel blessed to have met Shawn on BigChurch.com. I feel like my prayers of finding a respectable man have been answered! Thanks BigChurch!!"

Try to think of it like enjoying the fact that you live in the United States even though you don't agree with the morals of the people running it... oh, wait...

[Telegraph via Fleshbot]

How to Not Pay for Christian School: Your Mom

Emily Farris — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:11:00 GMT

Hey, private high school is expensive, we know. That's why we went to public school. But at least one Christian educator might have a solution to poor students' financial woes: pimp out your mom.

LeVern Jordan, the co-founder of a Christian school in Texas offered to waive a student's enrollment fee if the girl's mom would have sex with him.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, Jordan was caught on tape before the family could negotiate a 3.91 GPA at the school that will give students a diploma without passing the state's standardized tests.

Jordan offered to waive the fee, in exchange for getting together "several times." When the mom was still a little confused he said, ""Excuse me. I don't me to be so blunt, but I'm talking about fucking you."

Like the mom said, "This man gotta be crazy."

[ABC: Christian School Founder's Indecent Proposal]

(Thanks, Susan!)

Sloppy Seconds: The Baldwins on Gay Marriage and the Unfortunate Pairing of Heidi Montag and Britney Spears

Emily Farris — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 22:39:00 GMT

Alec Baldwin is apparently fine with his born-again Christian brother Stephen's views on gay marriage. We, on the other hand, are not so fine with this creepy picture of the Baldwin brothers.

Will The View''s Elisabeth Hasselbeck just shut the hell up already? Gloria Steinem is evil? Really, Elisabeth? We know it's The "View" and all, but you're not helping women here.

Perhaps we were too quick to diagnose Amy Winehouse with The Herp. Turns out it's probably impetigo, a highly contagious bacterial skin infection that generally affects infants and children.

We listened so you didn't have to: The Hills' Heidi Montag and US Weekly's Britney Spears recorded a song (if you want to call it that) together. Titled "Dramatic," it debuted on Ryan Seacrest's morning show today. If that link doesn't work for you (Mac users) you can try this one. If, after listening for about nine seconds, you want to stab your ears out with a rusty screwdriver, you're not alone.

The Second Coming: Sin-Free Sex Toys for Christians

Emily Farris — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 18:19:00 GMT

A Christian hoping to spice up her sex life with her husband went looking for marital aids only to find nothing that wouldn't compromise her Christian beliefs (really, not even an eco-friendly Pyrex dildo?), so she and her husband started their own Jesus-friendly sex toy company.

Book22.com sells "intimacy products for married couples." But we're not really sure how the Jelly Finger, pictured here and available at Book22.com, is any different from anything you'd get from Babeland. In fact, Babeland carries far better stuff that's more eco-friendly. And don't Christians like to pretend they care about the environment? The Jelly Finger looks like the same cheap crap we could get in the Village at just about any sex shop. But apparently, Jesus told them it was OK.

"We pray about things before we add them to our site," she says. "We live our lives very openly in front of Jesus, so we just kind of pray for direction about which way he would have us go, and I have to be honest with you — he's really surprised us. ... Almost our whole entire 'special order' page has come about from that."

[NPR: The Joy of Christian Sex Toys]

[Book22.com]

Clean Flicks, Clean or Not?

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 19:39:00 GMT

Clean Flicks, a web-based video rental service, promises "movies you can trust." They can promise this because they once edited out all the dirty bits before shipping the DVDs off to you and yours (or your right wing NeoCon cousin in Alabama), and after they were prohibited from editing films, they now offer a database of purely family-friendly movies. But how family friendly are the people behind the business?

Until a copyright infringement ruling (we think), there was also a company called Flix Club that offered similar videos. Recently, the founder of Flix Club was arrested and charged with sexual abuse of a minor. Somehow misinformation quickly spread the news that he was the founder of Clean Flix, and not Flix Club. Now Clean Flix is scrambling to save it's once squeaky clean image, claiming to have no relationship with the founder of Flix Club.

Apparently, though, the two companies do have some sort of relationship (uncovered by Christianity Today), but it's a little too confusing and sordid for us to try to get right here. And if you're interested in learning more about it, you should go here.

(Thanks, Frank!)

Homophobic Propagandist Fred Phelps Will Picket Heath Ledger's Funeral

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 19:43:00 GMT

We don't want to believe this, but if we try real hard and remember our childhood in the Bible Belt, we can almost see this happening, almost. Fred Phelps, the infamous homophobic propagandist, plans to picket Heath Ledger's funeral. You know, for that whole gay cowboy thing. Infuriating flyer after the jump.

We could go on a tirade here, but we'd be preaching to the choir. If you're not already familiar with Phelps and want to ruin your entire fucking day, check out his website, godhatesfags.com. We hate even typing that.

[Wikipedia: Fred Phelps]

[Via OhNoTheyDidnt]

Scanner Highs and Lows: His You Know What is Too Small

Emily Farris — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 21:47:00 GMT

It was a busy week here at Scanner. We got a new URL, we thought a lot about boobs (big ones! Jessica Alba's!), we found some new furniture, and unfortunately, a few people died. Anyway, we're spent. But in case you missed any of it, here's a recap of Scanner's highs and lows for the week of January 14.

Highs:

Scanner now takes it from the front and back.

Abortion rates are lower than they've been in 30 years. Good news, even though we don't know why.

Jessica Alba's new rack.

We finally found the perfect spot from which to blog.

And if that doesn't work, this should do just fine.

We crushed hard on double amputees.

Lows:

Apple's new MacBook Air didn't measure up. (Scanner Emily likes it a little bigger.)

This should probably be a high, but since it was a low for him, Tom Cruise's C.R.A.Z.Y. Scientologist video.

We found out the twins-who-married story was probably just a bix hoax to push a conservative agenda.

And that Britney's breakdown may be a hoax to cover up a military agenda.

Brad Renfro died at the young age of 25.

Anna Wintour called Hillary Clinton "mannish." And it made Scanner Emily sad.

Dinosaurs Had Teen Sex

Emily Farris — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 20:25:00 GMT

Dinosaurs were totally getting it on as teenagers, according to a new study. This puts creationist Christians between a rock and a hard place.

On one hand, they could use the story to say that God damned and wiped out the dinosaurs for their sins.

But on the other hand.. Shit! Dinosaurs. That doesn't work.

[Related: Creationism.org on the existence legend of dinosaurs]

[National Geographic: Big Dinosaurs Had "Teen Sex"]

Because Who Hasn't Had a Sex Dream About Jesus?

Emily Farris — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 20:46:00 GMT

Really? We know we're not the only ones.

[Via Hugo Strikes Back]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Christmas Slacker Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:01:00 GMT

It was a slow week here at Scanner, what with the Nerve Holiday Gift Guide coming to an abrupt stop and Scanner Emily stuck first in an airport, then in Christian County with a bad internet connection. But, hey, we learned some very important things about R. Kelly, ourselves, and unfortunately, our families.

Highs:

We found a way to make some quick cash.

More "high" than "highs," but this guy.

Someone with more time on his hands than us rounded up R. Kelly's greatest metaphors.

Lows:

We found out our mom is way sluttier than we are.

Uh oh. The Catholic high school girls got into some trouble. And we watched.

My Jerry Springer Story: My Mom is My Cousin. Tell us Yours.

Emily Farris — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 14:36:00 GMT

Some of the great things about being home for the holidays are 1. We can say we spent the most Christian of holidays in Christian County, MO and 2. We get to sit around in our underwear and watch re-runs of Jerry Springer to our heart's content. Being from Missouri, we actually went to high school with two girls who were on the Jerry Springer Show before it was full of very talented actors (sisters who married brothers or some shit). Being from Missouri, we also have a few Jerry Springer-esque stories of our own.

It's true. After our parents were married, our mom's uncle married our dad's mom, making each of our parents our step second cousins. While we know this is nowhere near as much fun as two 300-pound women ripping each other's girdles off while calling each other whores because she said that Steve did her up the butt but and she got pregnant with quadruplets that way but one of quadruplets belongs to the other 300-pound woman who is also a man, it sure made for some fun holidays after our parents divorced. But we know that the Scanner readers have better Jerry Springer stories than we do. And we want to hear them. Best one gets a super special present from a Missouri gas station courtesy Scanner Emily.

Does the Establishment Clause Exclude Santa Claus?

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 13:23:00 GMT

It does now. Some Republican Congressmen must have been really pissed that their kids couldn't sing Christmas Carols in school, because earlier this week Congress passed a resolution "Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith." While we realize both are important and we do love Christmas for all its Pagan glory, Congress is making it very hard for us to get into the spirit with all this Jesus talk:

"Whereas Christians identify themselves as those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and who, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible.... Whereas Christians and Christianity have contributed greatly to the development of western civilization..." [Christmas is now recognized by Congress?]
RESOLUTION

Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith.

Whereas Christmas, a holiday of great significance to Americans and many other cultures and nationalities, is celebrated annually by Christians throughout the United States and the world;

Whereas there are approximately 225,000,000 Christians in the United States, making Christianity the religion of over three-fourths of the American population;

Whereas there are approximately 2,000,000,000 Christians throughout the world, making Christianity the largest religion in the world and the religion of about one-third of the world population;

Whereas Christians identify themselves as those who believe in the salvation from sin offered to them through the sacrifice of their savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and who, out of gratitude for the gift of salvation, commit themselves to living their lives in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Bible;

Whereas Christians and Christianity have contributed greatly to the development of western civilization;

Whereas the United States, being founded as a constitutional republic in the traditions of western civilization, finds much in its history that points observers back to its roots in Christianity;

Whereas on December 25 of each calendar year, American Christians observe Christmas, the holiday celebrating the birth of their savior, Jesus Christ;

Whereas for Christians, Christmas is celebrated as a recognition of God's redemption, mercy, and Grace; and

Whereas many Christians and non-Christians throughout the United States and the rest of the world, celebrate Christmas as a time to serve others: Now, therefore be it

Resolved, That the House of Representatives--

(1) recognizes the Christian faith as one of the great religions of the world;

(2) expresses continued support for Christians in the United States and worldwide;

(3) acknowledges the international religious and historical importance of Christmas and the Christian faith;

(4) acknowledges and supports the role played by Christians and Christianity in the founding of the United States and in the formation of the western civilization;

(5) rejects bigotry and persecution directed against Christians, both in the United States and worldwide; and

(6) expresses its deepest respect to American Christians and Christians throughout the world.

We're also wondering why this hasn't been more widely covered. Here's some coverage we could find:

Common Sense: War On Christmas: Congress is on the case
NY Times Opinionator: Playing the Christmas Card
AP: 9 Dems Say No to Christmas Resolution

[Image: Jesus is the Reason for the Season car magnet from thechristianshop.co.uk]