Scanner : coffee

25-Year-Old Virgin Takes Us One Step Closer to Crazy Cat Lady Status

Emily Farris — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 15:39:00 GMT

We spent the better part of last night drinking too much whiskey and trying (quite unsuccessfully) to convince a 25-year-old virgin to go home with us. We're still a little drunk and a lot disappointed. So as you can imagine, we're going to be a little slow getting the day started. While we take a hot bath and drink lots of green tea (what a week to have switched from coffee to tea!), you should look at these cute cat pictures.

And, yes, he had a beard.

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From the Archives: 10 Reasons the Recession Will Rock Your Love Life

Emily Farris — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 14:53:00 GMT

We ran this almost a year ago, but we're reposting it because this shit is getting depressing. We need some kind of silver lining.

Do recession woes have you down? Are you worried about losing your job and/or your yipster lifestyle? As terrifying as doing your own laundry and switching from Americanos to drip coffee may seem, the recession could do wonders for your love life. And as we learn from Caitlin MacRae, economist, sexologist and Nerve intern, life as a normal person affected by the recession is a lot like life as a blogger.

10. Fine wine will once again be for stuffy rich people.

These days, everyone’s expected to be able to select the correct boujolais from a leather-bound list of hundreds, adding anxiety to an otherwise pleasant date. When the economy tanks and you’re forced to go back to meeting up at the kinds of bars you don’t find in Zagats, the two of you can relax and do shots of Jim Beam while wistfully reminiscing about your vintage merlots – and your vintage careers.

9. Lack of disposable income will force you and your date to engage in exhilarating illegal activities.

Before you had a job, before you were old enough to get into bars, you lived a romantic existence free of any sense of social propriety or personal accountability. Instead of planning extravagant outings, you figured out how to skulk around verboten locales, pool-hopping late into the night and making out in the backseats of unlocked cars. Just because you’re all grown up doesn’t mean you can’t still indulge in such shenanigans, and shimmying up to top of that water tower together is free, unless you need to post bail.

8. Bars are filled with the unemployed by three p.m., drunken hookups will be in progress by five.

When everyone works till seven, happy hour doesn’t really get going until eight, which doesn’t leave much time to get tanked and slur pickup lines at strangers before a responsible working-person’s bedtime. With more free time, you can look forward to those midday drink specials and the afternoon bouts of poor judgment they produce.

7. You’ll find out if those coffee shops really are hotbeds of early-afternoon sexual tension.

Your freelancer friends have long regaled you with stories of giddy midday coffee-shop flirtations, making their wayward life sound like Prince’s Black Album incarnate. You’ll soon find out if this secret holy land of semi-employed sexual tension actually exists, since you’ll be parked in this alleged paradise of furtive glances all day while Craigslisting for gigs.

6. Breakfast will replace brunch.

Somewhere between the lemon-pepper-vodka Bloody Marys and the sea-salt-and-pesto poached eggs, we lost sight of the real magic of weekend mornings: sloth-like apartment lingering. Instead of showering, throwing on a jaunty scarf and skipping down to the chirpy, overpriced brunch nook, you and your significant other – or last night’s trick -- can shuffle around in ancient pajama pants, fry up half a pound of bacon, and have morning sex without waiting for an overworked server to bring you the check.

5. Museum dates will be unaffordable.

Like an Alzheimer’s patient, we return to the $20-per-ticket Museum of Modern Art again and again for an ill-conceived date with someone we don’t know very well and already feel awkward around. The museum date is a clumsy murder-suicide: the two of you shuffle from sculpture to painting while acting like pretentious eggheads as you try to discuss art that you don’t understand. Catch a discount matinee instead, and grope in the dark.

4. Library-sex will make a comeback.

Combine America’s declining interest in knowledge, free admission, and sultry, stuffy sex-maniac librarians, and suddenly you have an accessible, sparsely populated impromptu orgy club. The public library, with its many dim corners and unlocked “reading rooms,” is a recession-era Plato’s Retreat. Take it from a former librarian: the microfiche room is far from obsolete when reappropriated in the right fashion.

3. That romantic getaway to a Costa Rican eco-lodge will become a sordid roadtrip to a dingy Niagara Falls motel.

Never underestimate the beautiful sleaziness of vacationing on the cheap. After spending several hours in traffic, then bundling up in twelve layers to go stare at a plummeting body of water, you’ll be eager to trundle back to the seedy Fairway Motor Inn for an evening of basic cable, vending-machine dinner and the sickest, hottest sex you’ve had since your first three months of dating. Splurge for the room with the mirror on the ceiling – we can’t even begin to explain how worth the money this is.

2. Tinier apartments lead to accidental sex.

Since rents never seem to drop with the rest of the market, you’ll need to downgrade from that sturdy loft to a tiny railroad apartment whose walls seem to actually amplify your neighbors’ late-night viewing choices. Might as well seize the opportunity to accidentally on purpose touch one of your five roommates’ breasts while reaching around her to grab your coffee mug in the morning. With everyone unemployed and starved for a little human contact – and the unpaid electric bill shrouding you in darkness -- you can get away with more than usual.

1. More dates take place in the cheapest available venue: the bedroom.

Pirated movies on your laptop, cheap take-out and some PBR serve the exact same function as the overpriced museum, the brunch spot, and the wine bar - and none of those places have the advantage of being right where you want to be in the first place. Happy poverty!

—Caitlin MacRae

Originally Posted March 8, 2008

[Image via]

Did You Vote? Then Babeland Would Like To Give You A Free Sex Toy...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:28:00 GMT

Ben & Jerry's... Starbucks... or Toys in Babeland?

Which establishment will you hit up first with your "I Voted" sticker on? All three are offering delicious giveaways in honor of tomorrow's Electoral Grudgefest...

According to your favorite islamofascist news network (MSNBC!), Babeland is giving away $15-20 in sex toys, for starters:

Babeland, with stores in New York, Los Angeles and Seattle, is offering a pair of self-gratifying incentives for voters who present their registration cards, ballot stubs or “word of honor” that they voted next Tuesday.
The rewards are no-so-subtle reminders of this year’s campaign rhetoric. For men, it’s the “Maverick,” a "sleeve" for self-pleasuring. According to a press release, “He’s always there to lend a hand, he works for every man, and he bucks the status quo.” Women can choose the “Silver Bullet” mini-vibrator, which is “a magical solution to difficult problems” and “a great stress-reliever during these troubled economic times!” The promotion lasts through Nov. 11.

Meanwhile, Starbucks is giving away "a free brew" (you only need to enter into the honor system for that) and Ben & Jerry's is giving out free scoops from 5-8pm, with no indication of voting requirement.

So, vote in the morning, get a free coffee, work (or, better yet, GOTV), then hit up Ben & Jerry's at 5, swing by Babeland for the Silver Bullet (kind of a creepy name for a Presidential election, but whatever), and have a fun evening no matter who wins.

Via MSNBC.

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Vote Girl: Disenfranchised

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If You're A Liberal And Terrified Your Vote Won't Count...

A Few of My Favorite Things: Quilted Coffee Cuff

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:41:00 GMT

I like things. I have a bit of a shopping problem; in my 26 years I've acquired a lot of useless crap. But every once in a while I find a gem that I will hold on to for a long, long time. And I want to share these things with you. So here you have it, a new Friday feature: A Few of My Favorite Things.

It's raining in New York. Hard. Soon I'm going to force myself out of my cozy memory foam bed with 600-thread-count sheets (more of my favorite things... and two of the few home goods I didn't drag in from the street), pull on my rain boots and head down the street for some social interaction and a piping hot cup of Portland coffee.

When I arrive, I'm going to pull my beautifully quilted, one-of-a-kind coffee cuff out of my pocket and slip it over the cardboard cup. While it's not as environmentally sound as just taking my own cup, I'm saving paper by not using cardboard cuffs and I feel like I'm adding a little country glamour to my morning. And let me tell you, with banjo blisters, bed head, a hangover and last night's make-up smeared across my face, I could use a little glamour this morning.

If you'd like a coffee cuff of your own, you can buy one here.

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Coffee And Nuts Will Give You Manboobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 15:03:00 GMT

We couldn't bring ourselves to post pictures of major manboobs, so this will have to do.

Are you a man? Do you drink instant coffee and/or eat Brazilian nuts? No? Okay, good, we'll still be your friend.

However, if you're a man who does either of these things, you're in danger of growing manboobs, according to a strange new study...

The products contained far higher levels of gender-bending chemicals, known as phytoestrogens, than previously thought.
Dr Gunter Kuhnle, of the MRC Dunn Human Nutrition Unit in Cambridge, analysed 500 foods and drinks.
Instant coffee had 1,833 micrograms of the oestrogen-like chemicals per 100g, while Brazil nuts had 867 micrograms.
Phytoestrogens are known to cause fertility problems in animals and may give women a greater risk of breast cancer.

This was reported in the Sun (UK), so don't take our word for it. After all, the MRC Dunn Human Nutrition Unit in Cambridge sounds like half the spam e-mails in our inbox right now... but, just to be on the safe side, maybe avoid that stuff for now?

Via the Sun.

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Scantily-Clad Baristas Attack Local Pervert... Ah, Gotta Love Washington State...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:20:00 GMT

A man dressed in women's underwear (including on his head and over his license plate) visited a Parkland, Washington coffee shop drive thru three times. It wasn't because of the coffee...

An unidentified perv returned each time to make sure the girls, all of whom were in bikinis as part of the shop's dress code, got a good look at his wang. One of them, however, had seen "very little" but already enough...

Here's the raw video:

He's seen arriving for the first time, grossing out a barista, and roaring off. The victim looks to her friend for help, but soon their expose-r is back for more. (Ladies, it's called "9-1-1.") On the second go around, they try to catch his license plate, but it's also covered in women's underwear. (Even his face is covered-- with one eye partly expose to get their reactions and, um, drive.)

Finally, the victim, who is referred to as "Kylie" in another video, was ready. When the joy rider pulled up for Round Three, Kylie tossed a cup of boiling hot water in his face, allegedly getting the man on his face and arms or legs, depending on who's telling the story in other reports. Guess what his reaction is, just before speeding off for the final time?

“Kylie opened the door and threw boiling hot water on his face and his chest and he said 'oooh yeah...'"

Once again: nine-one-one, everybody. Taking matters into your own hands maybe playing into theirs...

Video clip via LiveLeak. Top image and quote from KIROTV.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Pregnant Lady Lingerie Controversy

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 13:01:00 GMT

Think this'll stop those incessant rumors about Clay Aiken?

You know it was bound to happen sooner or later... we just wish people had gotten used to the idea of California's gay marriages before they have to get used to the idea of California gay divorces.

Speaking of California, damn place is s'crazy, man's gotta run a brothel to supplement his assistant principal gig. (That's a Johnny Cash reference, in case you were wondering.)

A judge tossed a hardcore Christian's lawsuit against his former company, saying the man had insufficient evidence to back up his claim to having been fired for refusing to join co-workers for a night out at a strip club.

Espresso Gone Wild will have to cover up or stop serving coffee in Washington state.

A woman in Tennessee won local office with the one and only vote in that race: her own.

You probably already heard, but just in case: Bernie Mac, 50, died over the weekend after a bout of pneumonia and Isaac Hayes was found dead at 65 near his still-running treadmill.

M.I.A. is taking some flack for her supposed support for a terrorist group.

And who the fuck makes a fuss about a pregnant woman being sexy? This is beyond stupid, even for a conservative-leaning country like England: customer complaints forced the female owner of a lingerie shop to remove a mannequin with a "baby bump."

She told BBC Look North: "It started with people looking in the window and making comments outside and they told me their points of view that they found it offensive.
"Other shop traders also told me that people were saying to them that it was offensive and that I should cover her up or move her.
"So I put a camisole on Emily and someone else made another comment, saying that they could still see the bump, so I put her in the corner of the shop away from the window."

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Arizona House Candidate Apparently Refuses To Speak English

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 19:03:00 GMT

Is this guy for real?

He's named Juan Valdez (true story), became a citizen of the US in 2007, and has legally changed his first name to John so he can ~~assimilate to the U.S~~. run for political office in the great and open-armed state of Arizona. That's just the lead, people.

Valdez is running aginst two candidates for the Arizona State Legislature in a competitive Democratic primary. During Monday night's Clean Money Clean Elections debate in Phoenix

With aid from an English translator, Valdez proceeded to answer every question the moderator tossed at him—on topics ranging from health care and immigration to neighborhood graffiti—in Spanish.

Despite living in Phoenix for the past 15 years, Valdez, who owns a pool-plastering business, is simply more comfortable speaking his native language, he said.

“This was my first time speaking in front of important people,” Valdez told Insider in English after the hour-long debate. “I thought maybe I would get nervous.”

Now, we're on the left side of the immigration "debate" for sure, but not learning English after a decade and a half of living in Arizona, even if your district speaks it in large numbers, is pure stupidity if you're running for political office. But it gets better, way better:

When asked if his English-language skills would prevent him from being an effective legislator, the 15-year Phoenix resident asked Insider to repeat the question—twice.

Nope, better than that, as a friend notes in an e-mail attached to this story:

Note the extra irony in that AZ has adopted an English Only requirement for official state business, which this was.

However, Juan Valdez (the politician, not the heroic Hispanic rebel and coffee brewer), does have one excuse:

About half of the residents who live in the west-central Phoenix district speak either Spanish and English or only Spanish.

Wouldn't it be great if this guy somehow pulled off an electoral trimuph? Hell, they'd build a border fence around his neighborhood...

Via AZCentral.

UPDATE: Typo in the opening sentence fixed. Valdez became a citizen last year.

Topless Seattle Coffeehouse To Take Down Starbucks?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 15:52:00 GMT

A barista works a pump in one of the most chaste "uniforms."

We're not making this up: in Bonny Lake, WA, there's a coffeeshop called Hot Chick-a-Latte. Each of the "chick" baristas wears a bikini, lingerie, pasties, or only a scarf to cover up. And, as usual, there's a public outcry-- although it's for the wrong reason this time...

While mostly male customers line up in full approval of topless baristas at Hot Chick-a-Latte, several residents on Bonny Lake, with a population of 16,000, are complaining.

Bonny Lake police officers went undercover to check out the topless baristas themselves. [We'll bet they did-- ignoring bank robbery calls in their hurry to stop this outrage. - Ed.] The cops passed on their information to the city attorney, who found an ordinance to crack down on the coffee shop.

Exposing a woman’s breast below the areola is classified as adult entertainment in the community. The owner of Hot-Chick’a-Latte said she doesn’t have a problem with the ordinance -- that it will just shake-up the rotation of attire and probably eliminate scarf day.

We already have Hooters, do we really need another restaurant to takes us a step back to the reign of Caligula? Portland Indy Media debated this last year when covering a different Seattle topless coffeehouse: sexual exploitation? Harmless? You decide.

Of course, we don't expect this place to last much longer-- male patrons will become bored by the lack of nudity, some female patrons will stop going there entirely, and possible gender discrimination lawsuits will bog down the bottom line.

Or maybe, just maybe, this will catch on and... naw, nothing short of armed revolution will destroy Starbucks...

Via MyFox.

While You Were Sleeping: We Were Reminded What Ashlee Simpson is Supposed to Be Famous For (And It's Not Being Knocked-Up)

Emily Farris — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Lindsay Lohan pretty much told Daddy Lohan to shut the fuck up. [Molly Good]

If Scientology manages to cancel your YouTube account, you just create a new one. Duh. [Jossip]

We were kind-of "enh" when Madonna kissed Britney Spears on stage. Now we're throwing up in our mouths a little at the idea that she posted a video response to Miley Cyrus' YouTube channel. [MTV]

It's early, we have't had our coffee yet, and we just can't decide what's more pointless: the self-stirring coffee mug or the triple stack coffee mug. At least one would be good for handing off a vessel full of hot liquid... [Gizmodo and the Presurfer]

If Jessica Rabbit were alive today, she'd be smokin'. [Neatorama]

You should know that bloggers don't really like it when you correct our grammar and typos in the comments section, or via email for that matter. [Best Week Ever]

We were reminded that Ashlee Simpson is supposed to be famous for being a "singer." Her recent appearance on Today was the first time we've ever heard her sing. Unfortunately, for her, and for me for us for the last four minutes, she just sounds like a 55-year-old who has smoked a pack a day for 40 years. We wonder if her back-up singers hate her for that while they're probably actually really talented. [FameCrawler] [Image]

This Is Where The Healing Starts

Katie Halper — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 19:30:00 GMT

Some of you may remember when I broke the story on breaking my silence about My Abusive, Addictive Relationship That I Just Can't Quit. Well some people ~~have asked me~~ may have wondered why I chose to come out when I did. It is because I have learned that I am not alone. I had heard whispers about other abusive relationships, about union busting, spying, reading e-mails. But now other victims are breaking the silence, coming forward, testifying, engaging in class action law suits in

San Francisco, where about 2,500 assistant managers in California allege in U.S. District Court that since 2002 they were forced to work overtime without pay. A hearing on whether to certify the class is April 10. Starbucks had no comment on this case.
West Palm Beach, Fla., where roughly 900 store managers allege they performed essentially the same duties as baristas and should be paid overtime. A trial in U.S. District Court is expected in late summer or early fall, according to a lawyer for the workers. Starbucks said that by the end of the week it intends to file a motion to dismiss the case.
San Diego, where a California judge has ruled that the company's tip pool policy violated the state's labor code because "agents" of the company, in this case shift supervisors, were sharing in the tips with baristas.

This inspiring lawsuits have given me the strength to leave starbucks, and this time for good. I won't fall the nice gestures, the kidney donations, the retraining sessions, the 5 cent donations to charity. I finally see Starbucks for what it is: a monster. A greedy, union-busting, pseudo-environmentalist, pseudo-human-rights-defending, generic, mainstream, yuppy, cold, impersonal, fake, corporate monster.

10 Reasons the Recession Will Rock Your Love Life

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:24:00 GMT

[Image via]

Need That Post-Work Starbucks Fix? Better Go Early Tonight.

Bryan Christian — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 17:00:00 GMT

No, this isn't Who Would You Rather?: Battlestar Edition. We just thought you'd like to not see that stupid logo any more than you probably already do.

Starbucks is shutting its doors for three hours Tuesday night, the latest drastic step in a companywide bid to improve its sagging fortunes. [...]
[Chairman and Chief Executive Howard] Schultz has said the shutdown, which begins at 5:30 p.m. local time, is a way to energize its 135,000 employees and provide some barista re-education in the "art of espresso" at its 7,100 U.S. locations.

Don't say you haven't been warned, coffee achievers!