Scanner : comedy

Welcome to Your Working Week with Eddie Izzard

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:38:00 GMT

It's already been a long week and it's only 9:32am here in New Orleans. Last night, we stayed up till God-knows-what-hour scrolling through old Lego video reenactments of standup comedy. We realized that there's absolutely no reason not to share this, the greatest of 2-minute Lego comedy videos, with you, even though it's several years old.

On this brutal Monday morning, be thankful you don't work in the cafeteria in the Death Star...

Related:

EXCLUSIVE: Scanner Reveals Minnie Driver's Baby Daddy

Nothing Golden Can Stay: Bea Arthur, RIP

Colleen Kane — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:30:00 GMT

Bea Arthur, best known for her Emmy-winning roles on Maude and Golden Girls and her ongoing role in our hearts, died on Saturday after a battle with cancer. (Might we refer you to the January Scanner post Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009. Bea is the first from that list to kick off.)

Bea's commanding presence and acerbic wit-via-man-voice combo will never be duplicated, although many drag queens will come close. Unlike the case with some older comic figures, Bea still made us LOL into her final years, like doing her turn on Comedy Central's celebrity roast of Pamela Anderson, as she placidly read aloud a sodomy-themed excerpt from Pamela's book Star Struck (of course we have this for you after the jump). She was a feminist icon, a gay icon, and an animal rights supporter. What was not to love?

Let's look at some Scanner-appropriate moments from Bea's career.

The Golden Girls buy condoms.

And then there's Maude considering abortion.

Sniff Swig Puff, with Rock Hudson

The Sex and the City Parody.

Finally, that reading on Pamela's celebrity roast.

*Sigh* We've lost a great. Bea Arthur will be missed.

And then there were two...

You're Golden, Baby: Estelle Getty Leaves Us Laughing At Age 84

Sloppy Seconds: Happy Bea Day!

John Mayer Considered Going Gay

Colleen Kane — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:20:00 GMT

John Mayer is still at his sometime standup career. In this clip from his performance on the Mayercraft Carrier, he discusses his makeout session with Perez Hilton and how he has considered going gay. We dont' really get the rationale, though-- he seems to be saying he made out with Perez to prove he was just as wild as Perez?

Then he caps it with these declarations.

"I will f?ck you in the ass to shut you up," and "I will go ass to mouth, just to shut you up."

He also references himself liking them old (although he was talking about a man in the joke, this sounded like a Jen reference).

And, Mayer also knew this bit would get blogging masses typing.

"I thought about this shit over there before I came out, I don't care."

John Mayer Reveals Intimate Detail in "Funny" Video

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

Sloppy Seconds: Portia de Rossi Apologizes for Getting Gay Married

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A court in Los Angeles has issued a restraining order against a man who is apparently obsessed with "Dancing With the Stars" contestant and former Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson after he tried to break into the set of the show. [NYT]

Newly-single Madonna plans to adopt another Malawian child. [Us]

Nicole Kidman has joined the cast of the new Woody Allen film. [Yahoo!]

Yet another magazine has folded. This time it's the music mag Blender. [AdAge]

Portia de Rossi has publicly apologized for her gay marriage. On the Jimmy Kimmel show, of course. [The Remote Island]

[Image]

Who Would You Rather: This Week's Newsmaking Naked Mens

Colleen Kane — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 20:25:00 GMT

Many of you have by now seen the "naked" Vanity Fair shoot by Annie Liebowitz, featuring the men they're calling Comedy's New Legends: Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen, Jason Segel, and Jonah Hill. What with the hairless nude suits, the pudge, and the lack of genitalia, they're oddly cherubic.

But have you seen the honest-to-God, bare-ass naked guy who spent most of Sunday on the cross on top of a church?

Sacreligious and probably crazy, but dude is in shape. The full monty shots (forbidden on this blog), can be seen here.

This man climbed to the top of the cross in Los Angeles, who was up there for almost seven hours, creating a huge scene: disrupting traffic while threatening to jump, and smearing feces on the cross. Firemen and police inflated an air cushion in case he jumped, but the man eventually climbed down on his own accord. According to news reports, he's probably being evaluated at a psychiatric hospital right now.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Seth Rogen vs. Seth Rogen?

Seth Rogen Dipped His Toes in the Sea of Porn, Decided to Go For a Swim

'Playboy' Picks Its Ninth Play Boy

10 Hottest Funny Women

Colleen Kane — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:30:00 GMT

"Hot," especially used in conjunction with the factor "funny" regarding women, is highly subjective. Remember when Jenny McCarthy was trying to market herself as a zany, goofy-face-making, comedic actress? Although J McC was a woman, and she was making clown faces, and was considered hot by many, this writer was not having it.

And for this writer, a great sense of humor makes someone more attractive. So in this list, when using the term "hot" for women, hilarity weighs more heavily than conventional perfect-10 looks.

10. Maya Rudolph

Maya's mom sang that song "Lovin' You." Maya herself played a mean Donatella Versace on "Saturday Night Live," generally excelled on the show playing exotic oddballs, and also starred in the sleeper hit Idiocracy.

9. Chelsea Handler

Chelsea is good with the funny interviews, but I can't get that into her because she reminds me of this one fluffhead from my high school who had platinum-blonde CC DeVille hair and orange pancake makeup, who would routinely zero in on some poor slob in our class, then verbally eviscerate them under the guise of being "funny." Not saying Chelsea is that mean, but she still reminds me of that girl.

8. Kristin Wiig

Kristen joined the SNL cast in 2006. What's known so far: this gal is conventionally very pretty, she's good with impressions and acting in sketches on "SNL," also good guesting on "Flight of the Conchords." Bigger roles are coming for her, we thinks.

7 . Sarah Silverman

Sarah is a striking beauty, and would probably be more like number one on other such lists made by people who are bigger fans of her comedic stylings. Emphasis on NUMBER ONE. GET IT?! She makes poo-poo and pee-pee jokes.

[Image: HEEB]

6. Alex Borstein

Best known as the voice of Lois Griffin on "Family Guy" and Ms. Swan on "Mad TV," Alex is one of two women among mostly men on the "Family Guy" writing staff, and is also a standup comic who isn't afraid to call herself a C. "Call yourself a cunt first, then it doesn't matter who else does," she says. Or so claims this interview.

[Image: Playgirl]

5. Niecy Nash

Niecy Nash, better known as Raineesha Williams on "Reno 911" and the host of "Clean House," is hilar. Also, she wore a huge prosthetic booty with a thong bathing suit on the red carpet. Love her.

4. Amy Poehler

"SNL." Weekend Update. Baby Mama. This photo says it all.

3. Margaret Cho

Ms. Cho has been fighting the good fight for years and continues to perform and tour regularly. One of the world's best fag hags, she will be hosting the GayVN Awards at the end of this month.

2. Janeane Garofolo

1990s: amazing standup and (less amazing) movies. 2000s: raging against the Bush regime on Air America. Always awesome.

[Image: celebs101.com]

1. Tina Fey

Before her uber-glamorous turn at this year's Oscars cemented our girl crush on Tina, her Liz Lemon on "30 Rock" was one of the only the only real, identifiable female characters on prime time. And there's the Weekend Update, the Sarah Palin impression, the Mean Girls, and being the first female head writer on "SNL."

Then there was this dress.

Le sigh.

(Who else would you expect on Scanner for #1?)

[Image: AP Photo/Chris Carlson]

The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part Two)

The Top 5 Hottest Female Politicians

Simpsons Trying to Be All Hip Again, Gets All Change-y

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:45:00 GMT

With last year's episode in which Homer tries to vote Democrat and has his machine insist on switching his vote, The Simpsons carried a biting political message four years too late. Now, as The Daily Show, Colbert Report, and even Saturday Night Live steal the Biting and Relevant Comedy mantle from Matt Groening, the show's producers have tried a new opening title sequence to celebrate their first episode in high definition.

What do you think? Is the Simpsons still a great show?

Related:

Beware Of Blowfish Balls

The Best Sendup of Facebook Yet

Colleen Kane — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 17:56:00 GMT

Facebook! Am I right, people? It's freaky to be online "friends" with people you remember not particularly liking back in grammar school. But now that we're all adults, you have to accept these people's friend requests or it would be awkward in some modern way when you eventually run into them at a reunion or somewhere. Plus, once "friends," you can read their "25 RandomThings About Me" list and realize how much it reflects their insecurities. You can look at their lame life as represented on their profile and you can think to yourself, Who is popular now? Who has designer jeans now!??!

Ahem. Anyway, the sketch group Idiots of Ants (above) did a bit acting out Facebook in real life for the BBC Three show "The Wall," and while the show itself is now over, this video will live on as a great zing on Facebook culture. This is the most viewed BBC Three YouTube clip of all time, BTW.

Related:

Regarding The Facebook, It's Time for Plan B (Facebook the Sh*t Out of Facebook)

When Drinking and Technology Don't Mix: Scanner Emily's Facebook Faux Pas

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

Image

Video: Israeli BBC in Gaza Spoof, Completely Offensive or Completely Funny?

Scanner Matt — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 21:12:00 GMT

Israeli comedy show, "Eretz Nehederet," lampoons the BBC news coverage of Gaza.

While You Were Sleeping: Tara Reid Back To The Booze

Sex on the Beach: Zhang Ziyi Won't Go Nude For A Movie, But...

How to Catch Someone Cheating On You: Radio Edition

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 14:44:00 GMT

He loves me... he loves me not?

If you find yourself asking that question over and over about your boyfriend (or, what the hell, husband), these morning radio show DJ's have discovered a surefire way to answer it with 100% accuracy...

Listen to this actual call-in clip, which doesn't appear to have been staged-- although it would've been unforgettable...

...when we were in high school, we used to pull a prank that had a similar style (although, again, the above gem is genuine.) We'd stand around the local Borders and wait as two friends of ours, a guy and a girl, would bump into a fourth friend of either gender and the fourth person would freak out-- "what are you doing here, you're cheating on me with him/her?!" Trust us, when we were fifteen, this was considered high comedy, especially when the terrified clerks would have them all ejected for fighting.

Not sure why we're mentioning this bit of immature stupidity, but maybe you haven't been able to shake off the horrible feeling that this clip has wrought. If that's the case, just think: it might be some goofball prankster couple, trying to pull off a stunt on a bunch of talk show idiots...

[You can listen to the clip here if, for any reason, it's not working above.]

This Thanksgiving, Just Shut Up and Be Thankful for Your Faithful Mate (Who You Probably Don't Really Have)

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

Cheating Wife Claims To Still Love Her Husband... After 18 Month Affair

If The Casting Director Asks You To Remove Your Clothes, It May Be A Porn Audition

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 18:23:00 GMT

Or, in the case of these three women in the UK, if the casting director plays you a video of people having hardcore sex you're either a) auditioning for a porno or b) auditioning for a porno and should take off running before you get jumped...

Equity claims to have received numerous complaints about a production company that calls women in for an audition, ostensibly for a new comedy series with risque humor, then makes them watch pornos and asks them if they "don't mind a little cock and balls in their faces." Umm... isn't this sexual harassment?

Or a bad episode of Casting Cough or First Time Porn Auditions? (You know, compared to the usual really bad episodes?)

One actress reacts: "I thought they were getting us to sign this in case we, as actors, felt uncomfortable seeing the guy's front while the camera saw his back. They had planted a seed in our minds that it was like Little Britain, which does have nudity. They sold it as risque comedy, but clean at heart."

And another: "In my mind, it was hardcore pornography. To say this is comedy is just ludicrous. This would not be aired on any terrestrial channel."

What are you talking about, this isn't comedy? Have you seen an episode of First Time Porn Auditions? That's the very definition of comedy, people...

Quotes via the Telegraph.

Turkey Triple Threat: The Results

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 20-11

Seth Rogen Dipped His Toes in the Sea of Porn, Decided to Go For a Swim

Sloppy Seconds: Guy Ritchie's Death Threat

Emily Farris — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 21:51:00 GMT

You know, tomorrow isn't all about Obama vs. McCain; it's also about discrimination and hatred. Comedian Ben Lerman would like all cocksuckers (both male and female) to unite in opposition to Proposition 8. And he wrote a little song about it. [Ben Lerman]

Pete Seger just discovered the Internets. "An internet magazine! So you don't have to cut down trees. I'll be damned." [Pitchfork]

Zack and Miri's attempt to make a porno for some dollar bills failed movie executives miserably. [Vulture]

Are you at all surprised that Sarah Palin's SNL episode got better ratings than the angry grandpa's? We're not. [Us]

Yes, Joaquin Phoenix is really quitting acting for good this time. For real. Seriously. [People]

So, did Bert and Ernie make the timeline of landmark gay moments in television? [Mercury News]

A crazed 16-year-old Madonna fan stormed the set of Guy Ritchie's newest film with a knife, screaming, "I love Madonna, where's Guy? I am going to kill him! I'm Madonna's biggest fan! I'm going to kill Guy." [FameCrawler]

Video of the Day: Dana Carvey Returns To TV

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:01:00 GMT

We try our best to avoid the painful comedy that is the Tonight Show With Jay Leno. But Wednesday night's show, with Dana Carvey, was the best we've come across in years.

Leno is best when things either go wrong or when he loses the cymbals-crashing punchlines. The other night, he was loose, off-the-cuff, and on a roll... and then Dana Carvey took over...

Now we realized why we missed him so much since he left SNL and the spotlight...

via Hulu.

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

While You Were Sleeping: The Playboy Selection Process

Anyone Else Glad To See Criss Angel And/Or David Blaine Go Down Like A Punch To The Gut?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:01:00 GMT

First, there was David Blaine's widely parodied, criticized, and ignored stunt in New York City in which he claimed to have hung upside down for 60 hours. So what? He took constant breaks... it's been done before, by better, actual magicians, and to more stunning effect.

Then there are these brutal (and we do mean brutal to the point where you almost feel bad for the guy) reviews of Criss Angel's new Las Vegas show with Cirque du Soleil... they have to be seen to be, um, believed...

Angel, the host of A&E's Mindfreak "magic" and weirdness revue, celebrated the opening of his new Vegas act on Friday night, an act which cost a reported $85 million smackers. Here are the highlights for us, from a local paper's interviews with fans and other attendees:

"Everyone in the bathroom was chanting 'bull----'" from the urinals, Damon Ranger of Chicago told me Saturday. "It was absolutely awful. You can 'Believe' how bad it is -- because it's terrible!"

People streamed out of the theater on Saturday screaming about how poor it was. A group of six women was led by a woman yelling furiously, demanding their money back.

"Dude, it's a train wreck," Ranger said. On a scale of 1 to 10, he declared "Believe" a zero.
"Believe" has no compelling storyline, and it's more about dancing and unimpressive tricks, like pulling doves from a sleeve.
Moffett and Wilson walked out before the ending, because Angel started singing the finale, a cover of his "Mindfreak" TV theme song.

"He broke into song. I said, 'He's singing. Now we're leaving,'" Wilson said.

In all fairness, Angel reminded the public, the show wasn't exactly ready yet, as the opening night had a reduced ticket price and was listed as a "ticketed preview." And... oh, here... have a free Coors Light!

"The best thing was getting this free drink coupon - the worst $55 Bud Light I'll ever have."

David Blaine's performances these days fare no better. Here he is getting trashed by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who speaks for all of us when he mocks Blaine's coffee breaks disguised as necessary medical checkups:

Read more, via the Review Journal.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Mark Foley's Replacement's Sex Scandal

While You Were Sleeping: Will Ferrell Answers Your Questions

Criss Angel: Internet, Florida Call "Bullsh*t!" [via Remote Island]

Criss Angel Fails At "The Biggest, The Baddest, The Most Insane," The Most Lamest Trick Ever And Lives [via Remote Island]

It's Friday, And There's Just Too Much Good Stuff To Squeeze It All In

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 20:10:00 GMT

We're busy getting ready for the debate tonight... stocking our liquor cabinets, preparing pancakes, you know, the usual...

We don't have time to tell you all about the other amazing stories going on in the world right now. The stories that involve Sacha Baron Cohen's invasion of an Italian fashion show... Wonkette's most hilarious debate watch party drinking game... Johnny Cash's beyond-the-grave meditation on freedom... and much more...

But we'll give you a varrry nice taste...

Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno crashed the Iceberg show in Milan and walked the runway in that hilarious outfit. He was soon escorted out, but not before footage was captured for his totally ridonkulous new movie film... [Telegraph]

People Magazine released a beautiful and preachy recording of Johnny Cash reciting "I Am the Nation."

Fark has video of the first 1992 VP debate, which is apparently going to be somehow similar to this evening's Presidential battle. Meanwhile, Wonkette's drinking game for tonight is the greatest thing they've ever come up with.

A press report indicates the McCain campaign is in utter "chaos" following McCain's decision to suddenly fly to the site of the debate.

And a candidate for governor of Bangkok has pulled a McCain and suspended her electorial fight after her campaign manager drowned during a publicity stunt. The campaign manager was swimming in a canal with the candidate call attention to the area's unsafe drinking water when he began flailing his arms. TV cameras and onlookers assumed the worker was goofing off and didn't rush to help until after he had long since disappeared. The campaign manager, by the way, has a seven-months-pregnant wife. Damn.

That is all.

Borat Make New Movie Film For You!

Is Jessica Simpson Headed for a Life of Bad Clothes and TV Dinners?

McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Which Candidate Spends More on Make-Up Than We Do On Shoes?

BREAKING: John McCain Suspends His Campaign

Return of the Gay Balls

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 15:40:00 GMT

Episode three of Gay Balls... a sort of Return of the Jedi's Johnson... or something.

Seriously, are you folks still watching? Let us know if we should keep posting these in our quick poll...

Thanks, Christopher! Click here if you missed Episode 2, see below for Episode 1.

Related:

Video of the Day: Gay Balls, Episode I

Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Teacher Forced To Resign After Students Find His Gay Profile

This Week In Gayness: Man Gets 150 Days For Being Accessory To Gay Murder

This Week in Gayness: Al Franken's Lesbian Jokes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 18:34:00 GMT

Last month's ruling all but totally legalizing gay marriage in California is already faced with stiff opposition.

First, the high court refused to stop the marriages from going into effect. Meanwhile, the bigots are back on the ballot-- November's election not only will feature a question about amending the state constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman, but a question about parental notification for abortions as well. (The abortions of minors only, of course, but can parental notification for everyone be too far behind?)

Tammy Baldwin and Barney Frank introduced Congress to its first ever LGBT Equality Caucus. Shockingly enough, a lot of other Congresspersons have joined. Not so shockingly, no Republicans have yet signed on, as their is the party of the future... a future ruled by Soylent Green, of course.

The New York State Assembly proves its worth for the first time in ages by passing a law amending the state's human rights law to include protections for transgender people. Now if they could pass a law giving us our tax refunds within ten years of filing for them, that would be great.

Al Franken's campaign for the US Senate may be in jeapordy following attacks on his character by Minnesota Republicans. The GOP is running incumbent Norm Coleman (the guy who beat a former Vice President of the United States and one time Presidential candidate named Walter Mondale in a Democratic-leaning state for the seat.) Here's what they quote from in their press release about Franken's alleged attacks on women and lesbians in particular:

Franken kidded at a 1999 New York feminist event that Afghan women didn't need any more freedom, and he announced at a White House press dinner that then-Attorney General Janet Reno would perform a lap dance for $25.
He joked at a Human Rights Campaign dinner that he had asked organizers to pay him for his speech by "send[ing] a girl to my room. And they did. But she turned out to be a lesbian. Great! Next time you do that, could you at least send two?"

Of course, these were both more than seven years ago when Franken was a fucking comedian. You wonder how come they haven't found any poorly-worded off-the-cuff comments about Republicans while hosting an Air America show for several years.

Video of the Day: Roommates

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 15:00:00 GMT

Room-mates

Sometimes we have to get all cute and fuzzy on you, especially on Mondays.

If we'd ever had roommates like these, maybe we wouldn't live alone and get all nomadic and eat dinner out of toaster ovens...

The Customer Is Always Wrong At Our "Website Of The Day"

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Me: “Hi, how are you? How may I help you?”
Lady: “Yes, I’d like return this pregnancy test.”
Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with it?”
Lady: “It came out positive.”
Manager, getting frustrated: “Ma’am! I’m sorry but we cannot and will not refund you your money just because it came out positive. Congratulations on your new baby!”

Grumpy Old Man: “There’s too much salt in the shakers.”
G.O.M.: *picks up shaker to demonstrate*
Me: “I’m…sorry?”
G.O.M.: “THERE’S NO SHAKE ROOM!”
Me: “I’ll get right on that."

These and more gems at a sort of Overheard in NY-style blog that collects stories of awful, awful idjits.

If your day has been full of people you have considered beating over the head with laptops, hamburgers, and carburetors, the shitbags featured on Not Always Right will remind you that you're not the only one out there that these people bother.

Customer: “My son is locked out of the house and I need to send him the key!”
Me: “We can overnight the key, and have it to him by 10:30am tomorrow morning. Shall we send the key to the neighbors house?”
Customer: “No, he needs it right now! Why can’t I just fax it?”
Me: “…Ma’am, you can’t fax a key.”
Customer: “Why not? He’s locked out and needs the key!”
Me: “Because a key is a three dimensional object, not a document.”
(Customer stares at me.)
Me: “Ma’am, is your fax machine in your house?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “How will your son get into the house to get the key from the fax machine if he is locked out?”
Customer: “Damn it! You’re right! Well, thanks for your time!”
Me: “I do what I can.”

Top 10 Spam Euphemisms For Your Small Willy

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:30:00 GMT

"Would you like to have a larger, fuller, stronger tool?"

We all love it when Gmail makes a funny and leaves some amusing spam in our inboxes. For no good reason, we've put together highlights of recent spam e-mails, which you must admit are getting more eye-catching as e-mail filters grow slightly more sophisticated.

E-mail Headline: "Amend Your Problem of Small Dimension" and "Huge and youwill newer hear the word NO (Enlarge your big daddy size)"

Spam opening lines: "The scooby snack teaches the tornado." "Now and then, a power drill pees on another spider."

Spam offer comedy, yes: "I am interested in buying your {what you want to sale}. I will buy for FINAL ASKING price and late conditions,also I will like you to send pictruees of this items."

Spam makes up country names: "I am frank, son of governor of lagos state of Nig."

We once worked for a boss who received this message. No idea if it was a joke, spam, or an honest assessment of the sender's place in the world:

I am hoping you would send me a bunch of your music on CDs free of charge to cheer me up. I am attending a medical home church for those unable to attend large congregational churches --- I am allergic to poinsettias, most after shaves and perfumes.

Thank You

This one has to be seen in its original context. And, finally, our friend got this one a few weeks ago:

> From: [name withheld]
> Subject: WTF
>
> Why the hell does it take you so long to respond to emails?
>
> what's up with that? I heard we're neighbors. I heard you're pretty
> cool guy. I googled you -- you look cute, seem like a nice guy, so WTF? do you
> want to meet? Just lemme know....
>
> peace
> d

Whoops. Unfortunately, that one might be real.

By the way, how do you like our idea for a film composed entirely of dialogue lifted from spam and named after our favorite sender's nom de plume: Gayelord Oxtail?

Ye Olde Dirty Joke CD Maketh Us Quaketh in Our Pantaloons!

Bryan Christian — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 11:43:00 GMT

Hey, did you guys hear about those pre-Edison recordings of French folk songs that turned up recently? Did you bother to read the Times article on them all the way through? We sure didn't. But good thing a friend of ours did, because buried near the end of the piece he found this item:

The hunt for this audio holy grail was begun in the fall by Mr. Giovannoni and three associates: Patrick Feaster, an expert in the history of the phonograph who teaches at Indiana University, and Richard Martin and Meagan Hennessey, owners of Archeophone Records, a label specializing in early sound recordings. They had collaborated on the Archeophone album “Actionable Offenses,” a collection of obscene 19th-century records that received two Grammy nominations.

Whaaaaaaaaaa? It's true! Filthy stories from the 1890's involving policemen, whores, and "The Virtues of Raw Oysters." Our copy is on the way, and we have to say, if it doesn't turn out to be like the a shock jock version of Gangs of New York, we will be sorely disappointed.

[One beer, coming your way, JS!]

Weddings From Hell: A Photo Essay

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 18:30:00 GMT

We try to avoid weddings if at all possible, even up to and including the inevitability of our own. These photos, compiled by Dahlia Rideout at Divine Caroline, go a long way toward explaining why we're not responding to your Evite.

Actually, we would definitely attend the above wedding, even if that left hand would be getting a nice new ring that day. Unfortunately, however, it was not included in the extensive and otherwise unmissable post on Divine Caroline, which you really must check out.

Here are some great wedding stories to go with these pictures (it's your guess, though, which ones are for which, if any):

1) Tracey and John O'Donnell were arrested at their wedding reception.. Tracey O'Donnell said her husband fed her the cake too roughly, after she had told him to take it easy, police reported. Fighting ensued when she responded in kind...
2) A British man was found guilty on Tuesday of having sex with a dog after a video he made of the act was inadvertently shown to speechless wedding guests expecting to see a replay of a marriage ceremony.
3) Butts-McCracken were married today, to the stifled laughter of all.

[Top Photo: Todd Hougas; Second Photo: Taina Cruzado Cote]

Not The Video of the Day: Jewno

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Although we are not Jewish, we're often mistaken for a Chosen Individual, even by rabbis and that Schwartz kid from gym class.

Therefore, we were easily able to fit in at a Purim party on Saturday, where our fellow Jews drank oddly-shaped Bud Light bottles and awful kosher wine and roared with laughter to this excellent "Juno" parody, which is way funnier than the Oscar-nominated indie nuisance.

Lewis Black also did a video for the party, which is equally hysterical (even for those of us who don't get all the Hebrew-inflected jokery.) If someone finds it online, we'll embed it here.

Obama's Anti-Racism Speech Inspires Comedians To Get All Racist

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 15:52:00 GMT

Leave it to comedians Chris Rock, Pauly Shore, and Pat Buchanan to get all racist about the Obama speech on racism. (Wait a minute... one of those guys isn't a comedian! And Pat Buchanan isn't funny either....)

Shore was videotaped whining that he's not successful because he's "not black," and "I need to be black, because if I was black, I'd be doing good...
I mean, all the black comedians are doing good. You have D.L. Hughley, you have Monique, Cedric the Entertainer, Martin Lawrence, Charlie Murphy. White people are screwed. Especially in my industry, they're screwed. White people are going to be picking cotton within, like, literally within three years." Sadly, he was serious.

Well, duuuhh... that's because he's not a comedian. Certainly not a comic in the same panethon as Chris Rock-- that is, a brilliant young man who we'd bet our bottom dollar had something intelligent to say about all this "Black Man For President" fuss:

"I don't think a black woman can be first lady of the United States. Yeah, I said it! A black woman can be president, no problem. First lady? Can't do it. You know why? Because a black woman cannot play the background of a relationship. Just imagine telling your black wife that you're president? 'Honey, I did it! I won! I'm the president.' 'No, we the president! And I want my girlfriends in the Cabinet! I want Kiki to be secretary of state! She can fight!'" [Rolling Stone, via PageSix]

Pat Buchanan caused a minor stir, mainly because Scanner Brian is the only person who actually watches The McLaughlin Group, for his insightful comments into the state of race relations in this country:

America has been the best country on earth for black folks. It was here that 600,000 black people, brought from Africa in slave ships, grew into a community of 40 million, were introduced to Christian salvation, and reached the greatest levels of freedom and prosperity blacks have ever known. [via Buchanan's blog, which we won't link to under any circumstances]

We're laughing so hard about that opening line that we almost forgot to add a few more things:

There was even a racist hubbub at Fox News, home of humorist and feminist Bill O'Reilly, where infighting led to walkoffs and smackdowns. Yawn.

And on Sunday, we read an interview with Kris Kristofferson, wherein he quotes a country music DJ who said the problem with MLK's assassination was that there weren't enough bullets for Jesse Jackson as well. But the DJ can be excused, apparently, because he's not a comedian. Again, we're not sure what Pauly Shore's excuse is...

[Image via BuddyTV]

Video of the Day: What's It Gonna Be?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 13:13:00 GMT

What's It Gonna Be? on FunnyOrDie.com

Mike O'Connell's videos are among the rare highlights of Funny or Die, a site with lots of material that needs to fucking die. This NSFW (that designation refers to the audio only) video of the day is Mike's new music video.

Would this work on you, ladies? Expert sex blogger Girl With A One Track Mind weighs in:

How not to pick up a woman in a bar. And yes, I have met guys who've tried similar approaches; they never resulted in a shag.

Although it has to be said that if they had used the line "If you even really cared about that vagina of yours, you wouldn't leave it in the hands of an amateur" on me, the laughing it would have induced might have got me into bed.

Thanks to Girl With A One Track Mind.

Hot or Not: PETA Protests?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 14:30:00 GMT

There's a bit of pro and con on this one.

Pro: Several of them look really hot. They're activists, for what we are grudgingly going to refer to as a "good cause," and therefore sexy.

Con: Several of them... um... not really so much. And PETA's hyper-aggressive scare tactics may put off more people than they persuade. In any case, let's look at some more gratuitous pictures and discuss.

Let us start by saying we are not aiming to make sex objects of these folks. The Asia-Pacific wing of the People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals, seen here and below at a protest/photo op/press conference condemning the running of the bulls in Pamplona, are more than just a bunch of naked people trying to get our attention.

We really want to know-- pluses and minuses mentioned above factored in-- are they hot or not? (Don't worry, there is sure to be plenty of boring political news today for those overstimulated by this.)

More of Charlie Brewer's pictures can be seen via the "Nude Bull Run" slideshow, via NEWS.com.au.

Gay Marriage is So... Gay

Katie Halper — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 19:17:00 GMT

We were so busy (not) celebrating Valentine's Day, that we totally dropped the ball on celebrating last week's Freedom To Marry Week. We could write post after post on why people who want to get married should be allowed to get married (it's their ~~funeral~~ wedding).

But, Mother always said "a funny-moving-gay-marriage-themed music video is worth a thousand words." So without furthur ~~I do~~ ado, here is Julie Goldman's "Commitment Ceremony."

Painful Link of the Day: Hobosexual.com

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 17:30:00 GMT

If you've been watching The Wire, you're probably not really that interested in seeing pictures of naked homeless dudes. And if you haven't been watching The Wire, you may not be cool enough to get the humor here anyway. Don't worry, there are no pictures here, thank God, only pure dumb comedy.

Something Awful's Link of the Day is to a site we hoped would never have to exist, but apparently needs to: hobosexual.com. People, we have a strong suspicion that the comedy below is unintentional. Here's a list of their "underwebsites":

Black Eye Saloon: Old drifters, weathered men
Smegmen: Mature hardened men, oldneck
Rough Trade / Fuck or Fight: Street Love, lock up memories

I wish these were jokes, too. From the disclaimer:

The sexual orientation of individuals pictured in and writers for Hobsexual.com should not be assumed.
ARM THE HOMELESS.

And you're welcome for sparing you photos of naked hobos. In fact, we tried to avoid looking at them altogether. But, if you must...