Scanner : comedy central

Nothing Golden Can Stay: Bea Arthur, RIP

Colleen Kane — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:30:00 GMT

Bea Arthur, best known for her Emmy-winning roles on Maude and Golden Girls and her ongoing role in our hearts, died on Saturday after a battle with cancer. (Might we refer you to the January Scanner post Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009. Bea is the first from that list to kick off.)

Bea's commanding presence and acerbic wit-via-man-voice combo will never be duplicated, although many drag queens will come close. Unlike the case with some older comic figures, Bea still made us LOL into her final years, like doing her turn on Comedy Central's celebrity roast of Pamela Anderson, as she placidly read aloud a sodomy-themed excerpt from Pamela's book Star Struck (of course we have this for you after the jump). She was a feminist icon, a gay icon, and an animal rights supporter. What was not to love?

Let's look at some Scanner-appropriate moments from Bea's career.

The Golden Girls buy condoms.

And then there's Maude considering abortion.

Sniff Swig Puff, with Rock Hudson

The Sex and the City Parody.

Finally, that reading on Pamela's celebrity roast.

*Sigh* We've lost a great. Bea Arthur will be missed.

And then there were two...

You're Golden, Baby: Estelle Getty Leaves Us Laughing At Age 84

Sloppy Seconds: Happy Bea Day!

Sloppy Seconds: The Most Amazing 9-1-1 Call Ever (AUDIO)

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 00:50:00 GMT

Hey, geeks (or people like us?): it's National Grammar Day. [National Grammar Day]

We were totally pissed we missed this last year and we're actually considering entering this time. It's the third annual Peeps Diorama Contest! [Washington Post]

Barbie got a tramp stamp! [Jossip]

Justin Timberlake and his lady love Jessica Biel will celebrate her birthday with... George Bush? [Us]

Mariska Hargitay has been hospitalized—again!—for a collapsed lung. [Yahoo!]

Evan Rachel Wood topped VenusZine's list of 25 Under 25. Also on the list: Adele, Zoe Kravitz. [VenusZine]

We know Scanner Brian mentioned this in While You Were Sleeping, but it's so good we wanted to make sure you heard it (plus, we have the audio): a woman in Florida called 9-1-1 after a McDonald's employee told her the chain had run out of chicken McNuggets. Apparently, she had already paid and wanted her money back instead of some other food. Is it bad that this woman is sort-of our hero and that we also really want chicken McNuggets right now? [The Inquisitr]

Stephen Colbert Will Not Give Up on Beer Pong Herpes

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 00:16:00 GMT

Didn't you hear the news that beer pong can give you herpes? While news organizations around the country let the story die, one man refuses to give up on it.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Beer Pong Herpes Outbreak

Colbert Report Full Episodes
Political Humor

Rap Battle
Joke of the Day

Related:

Beer Pong Video Game Falls By Way Of Lenny Bruce, Poop Paintings, Janet Jackson's Nipples

One Couple, 90 Breweries, One Year, Many Beers

Stephen Colbert: Humankind's Only Hope Should Sarah Palin Destroy the Earth

Fate of "The Sarah Silverman Program" Up in the Air at Comedy Central

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 20:31:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: This economic crisis is getting serious, people -- it's threatening to destroy The Sarah Silverman Program...

Read more...

RIP Newspapers

Scanner Matt — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 17:50:00 GMT

We apologize for yet another Daily Show segment, but this short video seems to wrap up the fate of gray paper with words printed on it. Take a moment of silence in your blog hopping out of respect for the death of palpable journalism then laugh at this funny video.

We're not sure if the death of the newspaper is truly upon us (yet) or if the age-old news source will just restructure itself according to modern times, but as always the wacky fake anchorman, Stewart, raises interesting questions with his basic cable charm and blue state wit.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Clusterf#@k to the Poor House - Final Edition Edition

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Related:

Presidents Who Smoke: A Photo History

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

**Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!**

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Pregnant Ladies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:50:00 GMT

Jeff Mangum, who wrote and performed the biggest cult indie album of all time, In The Aeroplane Over the Sea, returned to the stage but did not work up the nerve to do any of his own songs.

A raid in Tennessee netted 19 female prostitutes and two transvestites.

You heard what happened on South Park last week, right? Yeah, but did you hear about the show's ratings?

South Park beat George Lucas at his own pervy game Wednesday with its already-infamous "Indy rape" episode — the show's highest-rated fall premiere in nine years. Paradoxically, this must mean Indiana Jones 5 will be green-lit within the hour... [Defamer]

Not a fan of giraffes? You will be after this super cute photo spread?

Good news, everyone: Scotland has given you the okay to have a drink while pregnant.

Matthew Shepherd was murdered ten years ago Sunday.

John McCain, who vowed to "whip [Obama's] ass" at the third and final debate this Wednesday, has confirmed he will appear on David Letterman's show the following evening. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin's appearance on SNL is no longer a "done deal."

The national debt is freaking some people out. Especially when they see it (literally) growing before their eyes.

And the favorite face of tabloid readers is no longer Jennifer Aniston... it's Brad Pitt's former "other woman," seen above...

Ironically, Brad Pitt's former wife Jennifer Aniston, who topped the list in 2007, came in second. Jolie won in all Forbes categories - for sales, likability and most covers. [Starpulse]

Video of the Day: Dana Carvey Returns To TV

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

The Confessions of St. Colbert

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 21:15:00 GMT

Stephen Colbert rarely breaks out of his Stephen Colbert character. Often, we wonder if the TV Show Guy has overwhelmed Guy Who Is Probably Sane In Real Life Guy. This Huffington Post live Twittering/blogging report from the New Yorker Festival reveals some incredible tidbits from Colbert's past, including the hilarious first-time meeting with Jon Stewart...

Check out our favorite moments:

"Jon deconstructs the news, I falsely construct the news."
[On Jane Fonda's infamous lap-only interview] Backstory: Colbert copped to having had a thing for Fonda, and had had her on the show before (with Gloria Steinem). It had been a cooking segment, and both women had kissed him, and Evie, he said, wasn't thrilled. (Yes, she's of a certain age, but as Colbert said, "there's a little Barbarella left.").
Cut to the Fonda show. Said Colbert: "She brought a game...she was a virago, she was gonna out-character me." And that is precisely what she did (see here) . She nibbled and blew in his ear, stroked his hair: "I was completely off my game...it was fun. And I was truly uncomfortable." And after it was over he discoverd that one of thecrew members had run out and bought flowers for me to bring home. He said, "Hey, man, bring these home to your wife." And he walked in and she took one look at the flowers and said (sternly): "What happened?" And he said, "Well...Jane Fonda..." and she said "I don't want them!"

And the real highlight:

[H]e was hired but had yet to meet Jon [Stewart], who had just been hired as host. There was a press conference with the head of Comedy Central to announce it, and Colbert, newly-minted correspondent, said, "Shouldn't we be covering this?" So off he went, and asked a question, announcing himself as "Stephen Colbert, Daily Show" and asked something like, "It was my understanding that I was in the running to host the Daily Show, how does your appointment affect my chances?" Jon looked over at the head of Comedy Central and said, "I thought you said he wasn't funny." Pretty auspicious beginning, I'd say.

Really, you should just read the whole thing here.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Colbert '08 Is On Again

Top 10 Celebrities Who Are Probably Cool In Real Life

We Didn't Watch The Emmy's, Here's What We Missed...

Jon Stewart Takes Your Degrading Sex Term and Raises You A...? (File Under: Greasy Sanchez)

Emily Farris — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 17:36:00 GMT

Related:

The 99 Most Degrading Sex Acts... There Has To Be One More, No?

Jon Stewart As Guest Blogger (In A Roundabout Way)

Top 5 Sexiest Daily Show Moments

Who Would You Rather: Stephen Colbert vs. Jon Stewart?

While You Were Sleeping: The Heath Ledger Investigation

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 14:33:00 GMT

James Franco denies the shirt he wears in Pineapple Express is "stolen."

Betty White and Rue McClanahan both avoided Estelle Getty's funeral.

Shia Labeouf will not, as previously rumored, lose a finger.

Even some offensive jokes are too offensive for Bob Saget: he has lashed out at an eating disorder joke and other comments made at the expense of the Olsen twins during his own Comedy Central roast.

Celebrity Hero of the Day: Kirk Douglas, who has long fought for an official US apology for slavery, is thrilled that the House has passed a fitting resolution.

A judge tossed Lisa Marie's lawsuit against ex-boyfriend Tim Burton, which comes as no surprise.

The paparazzi have yet to capture Nicole Kidman's phantom baby. In a photograph, of course.

Can you believe the cast Chicago director Rob Marshall assembled for his new musical, Nine: Daniel Day Lewis, Penelope Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Kate Hudson, Dame Judi Dench, and Sophia Loren... for starters. There's also some guy named Fellini who's working on the screenplay...

The Heath Ledger investigation has closed. It's unclear whether Mary-Kate Olsen's refusal to testify is a reason investigators ended their search, for lack of evidence.

Via WENN.

Related:

Preliminary Results On "Who Would You Rather": DD Lewis vs. Bardem

Crush of the Week: Marion Cotillard

We Saw The Dark Knight In A Cavernous Movie Theater, During The Dead Of Night

Was Nicole Kidman Ever Really Pregnant?

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Spiked Drink

Video of the Day: Rush Plays Rush... In Rock Band

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 13:37:00 GMT

We always thought Rock Band and Guitar Hero were the best video game ideas ever, not to mention long overdue, and then end up disappointed that one just ends up pushing buttons on a guitar-shaped controller-- instead of a guitar with some strings on it that one could fake-play, sort of like air guitar but with strings, making the game about how well you mimic the song for real. (Does that make any sense?)

This seems to be the same problem the band Rush has when they tried to play "Tom Sawyer" on Rock Band: they wanted to play the song as it's really played, not just push a couple of buttons...

Turns out Rush only got 31%. Someone offscreen, perhaps a "yes man"-type intern or Colbert Report producer, tells them they didn't do half bad. The guy does have a point: after all, he did start them off on "Expert."

Here's how it's done:

Via Comedy Central.

Who Organized The Arkansas Gay Wrestling Match?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 20:30:00 GMT

The internets thinks it has unmasked the jokester who promised $1 beer and brutal cage fighting in Arkansas, only to make the large crowd sit through grown men tearing each other's clothes off and furiously making out.

"We had a contract for cage fighting. We were deceived," said Dwight Duncan, president and CEO of Four States Fair Grounds in Texarkana...

The day after the cage fight in Texarkana, a similar gay-themed prank was pulled in nearby Fort Smith, featuring

a character named "Straight Dave" would goad a planted audience member into the ring for a fight.
The two men would then wrestle, rip away some of their clothes and share a brief kiss reminiscent of one between Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell in the film "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby."

Producers said "it was kind of to essentially make fun, poke fun at wrestling— two guys rolling around on the floor, all sweaty."

An elaborate array of mounted and handheld video cameras caught the crowd of 1,600's reaction as the two men "went right up to the line" of the city's morality laws.... The two men stripped down to their underwear, kissed and rubbed on each other, the sergeant said.

As soon as the audience realized they'd been duped, they started lobbing beers at the participants... ha ha, suckers-- the pranksters saw this coming and only handed out plastic cups. The wrestlers, meanwhile, had been hastily removed from the building, unscathed.

Those in attendance were told by several signs on display that they'd be filmed, Holland said, and signed waivers before the event. Convention center sales director Karin Hobbs declined to name the event's sponsor Monday.

But the Associated Press is dead certain that Sacha Baron Cohen is behind it, possibly filming for "Bruno" or even a new, unknown production beyond that.

If the cage match visits came from Baron Cohen, it wouldn't be the first time Arkansas fell for a practical joke. In 2000, then-Gov. Mike Huckabee fell for a prank and congratulated Canada for preserving its icebound Parliament, calling it a "national igloo."

And that guy's being considered for the 2nd-in-Command of the United States?! Reason enough to vote for Bob Barr, for God's sake...

Via Starpulse/AP.

Colbert: Kids Are A Bunch Of Fruits

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 19:36:00 GMT

On last night's Colbert Report, sexy Stephen ranted about the latest indignity: fruit has overtaken cookies as the number one snack food for kids.

Then came one of the great cameos in the show's history... the perfect video ending to your week. Mmmm... cookie!

Who Would You Rather: Stephen Colbert vs. Jon Stewart?

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 May 2008 22:21:00 GMT

And we're not talking about who you'd rather watch on Comedy Central. This is a question we've been asking ourselves for a really long time and we still can't come up with an answer.

Sloppy Seconds: Heather Mills, Liv Tyler, and... Roseanne Barr?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Facebook is causing all sort of problems in England: first, a bunch of crazy water-fight participants destroyed a famous garden; more importantly, an ex-girlfriend broke into her guy's account and wrote all about his douchebaggery.

Liv Tyler is getting divorced. Liv, you can message us through Facebook anytime.

The McGreevey's finally settled their custody battle. We'll resist the temptation to make any jokes about their multiple fathers, orgies, sex with staff members, and any other crimes we've already covered exhaustively.

Heather Mills is going to pursue a spot on "Celebrity: Apprentice." We've never so badly wanted that show to be canceled...

Hugh Hefner wants Miley Cyrus or whatever her name is to appear in Playboy. When she's legal, of course. Sorry, Hugh, but we've already seen more of her, the Olsen twins, and Suri Cruise than we'd ever want to see. You dirty old perv.

Possibly the most repulsive pickup line imaginable, not just because of the source: Roseanne (Barr/Arnold/n/a) came on strong to George Clooney when Clooney debuted on her rad 80s TV show: "You're really good looking, why don't you take me out behind the stage and make me stink." [Starpulse]

And, finally, why not end your week with a laugh, as this video does:

Arianna Huffington: Iraq is McCain's Viagra...
Stephen Colbert: I suppose the warning on that should be: "If your erection lasts more than a hundred years, pull out!"

Jon Stewart As Guest Blogger (In A Roundabout Way)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 16:26:00 GMT

Because it's harder to argue with him than with us.

However, we do welcome your reactions to this video (which unfortunately cuts off at the 9:21 mark) and Stewart's take on the race as it stands. Yes, it's biased, which is why you would do right by your candidates to duke it out in the comments. While we take the day off...

The Heartwarming Story of A Debtor's Revenge

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 16:30:00 GMT

It started out as a gag, a way for one anonymous man, allegedly in debt, to get back at Capitol One, but it quickly escalated into an internet sensation in Britain. The man posted the transcripts of his calls on an online forum devoted to money saving tips, where other users him on for several days. Then in March, a twist in the proceedings allowed the debtor to turn the tables on his tormentors and have the last laugh...

For the past two months, a poster under the name of "zincoxide" has been writing on the Money Saving Expert forum about his conversations with representatives of Debitas Legal Services. Debitas, which purports to be a debt collection agency although is in fact itself operated out of Capitol One, has been harassing "zincoxide" with up to 17 phone calls per day about his debt. What debt, says "Mr. X"? His card, he claims, "was used fraudulently" and he doesn't owe them a shilling. The fighting quickly turned ugly-- and off-the-wall funny, as per the below:

Debitas: Can you confirm your date of birth?
Me: 25/12/00
Debitas: Sorry
Me: 25/12/00 - I am Jesus
Debitas: Sorry?
Me: That's Ok, I forgive all sins
Debitas: Is this Mr X
Me: You are speaking to Jesus
Debitas: Urm.....(hangs up)

No two calls are ever the same, nor does Mr. X/"zincoxide" ever repeat his characters, such as the old man who has lost his hearing aid:

Debitas: Can you confirm your date of birth and post code?
Me: I don't really want to
Debitas: If it makes you feel any better, these details are available to the public on the electoral role
Me: Great! Why don't you confirm my details there and call me back!!
Debitas: How is that confirming your identity?
Me: Speak up
Debitas: (shouting) How is that confirming your identity?!
Me: I don't need to confirm my identity - I know who I am
Debitas: You are not helping yourself and you'll learn this in the future
Me: Oh dear - are you gonna send the boys around?
Debitas: A bailiff may be sent around
Me: Oh I hope he's the rugby type - does he have a firm bum?
Debitas: Keep your mobile on Mr X (hangs up)

Sometimes Debitas tries to call him back instantly to throw him off, but X always brings his A game. In one conversation, they ask him who he is and he replies, "the burglars." When they try to catch him faking by asking him to repeat his address, he deadpans, "I don't know, but there was a window open." The idiots amazingly continue to play along with his charades on every call. (Don't miss page 5, in which X pretends to be a Debitas operator that the Debitas rep has called by accident.)

Mr. X has tormented his equally anonymous callers by badly crooning "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"; answering under the guise of the STD helpline and inquiring as to the intensity of the caller's "burning sensation"; and forcing callers to mimic his mock-flamboyant "wassssupp" before answering any of their questions (they actually comply!) For 16 of the thread's 27 webpages, the two forces duke it out call by recorded cellphone call, until one side grudgingly admits defeat:

Debitas: Sorry sir - we are no longer dealing with this account
Me: Has it been passed on?
Debitas: The only notes I have on my screen are telling me we are no longer pursuing this debt
Me: Does that mean it's been passed back to capital one or you've sold it to someone else?
Debitas: It appears that we still have the debt but are no longer chasing payment

But Mr. X would not go gently into that good night. No, at this point, he'd gone from being upset to looking forward to their harassing calls, just so he could have a few laughs. He had to have one more, lest the whole thing ended with a whimper:

I decided that I would invoice Debitas for each call & text message I received after asking them to reply by letter ONLY. I have charged then £50 per call or text message and was amazed to find that it comes to £2450!! [Ed.: Note that this is far greater than Mr. X's debt.]
[T]he invoice... [gives] them 15 days to pay - after which time they will be charged interest at 8% per MONTH and I have also informed them that I am prepared to pass the invoice to a debt collection agency should they fail to pay.

Has anyone else out there turned the tables on collection agencies, telemarketers, or just your boring old neighborhood "breather"?

"South Park"/"Heavy Metal" Mashup Maybe Needed More Boobs

Bryan Christian — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Call us party poopers but we can't help but feel a little disappointed in last night's South Park, which went by the name of "Major Boobage" and promised to be a Heavy Metal-inspired hornball freakout -- but wound up spending too much time taking the same Libertarian-type potshots that the show always does: "Hey, the media overreacts!" "Hey, the nanny state is a bad idea!" "Hey, TV confessions are exercises in narcissism!"

Hey, get to the major boobage, guys!

Don't get us wrong, there was major boobage, and the episode is totally worth watching. It's just, you know, we wanted MORE! We were excited at the prospect of the Stan and the kids really confronting weird adult sex stuff again. Too much to ask? Maybe. Anyways, if you're at work and can't get away with watching 22 minutes of a cartoon (but weirdly, "literate smut" is OK?), meet back here after the jump for some choice screengrabs.

The Town of South Park Killed Britney Spears, In L.A.

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 19:01:00 GMT

If you didn't catch the new episode of South Park on Easter Sunday, you should (you can watch it for free online), because then you'll see that Trey Parker and Matt Stone are not only comedic geniuses, they're fucking prophets.

In the episode, the media causes Britney Spears' breakdown, during which she shoots off her own head. She survives, and the town of South Park continues after half-headed Britney in an effort to make her finish the job. The constant attention eventually leads to her "self-imposed" death and the townspeople, and the world, decide that Miley Cyrus is their next "victim."

We knew it would happen, but who knew it would happen so quickly?

Apparently just last weekend, even amid all the South Park and How I Met Your Mother buzz, there were less than half a dozen paparazzi covering Britney.

So where was her usual crew of 30? Why, with Miley Cyrus, of course.

[Side Dish: Paparazzi over Britney]

Image of Miley Cyrus via hitzonly.com

"Love and Sex With Robots" Author on The Colbert Report

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:52:00 GMT

Remember back in November, we wrote about the book "Love and Sex With Robots?" The book's author, David Levy predicted we'd be engaging in hot, consensual robot sex within 30 years. Recently, Levy was on The Colbert Report, uh, defending his hypothesis.