Scanner : conservatives

Rachel Maddow Talks Teabagging (Video)

Colleen Kane — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 17:30:00 GMT

Who knew conservatives were so into teabagging? Well, Larry Craig probably did...

Related:

What We Learned About on Wikipedia Today: Teabagging

The 99 Most Degrading Sex Acts... There Has To Be One More, No?

Rachel Maddow 2012, or Anyone But Sarah Palin, Actually

Carrie Underwood: Terrorist?

Colleen Kane — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 18:27:00 GMT

The wack-job organization The Center for Consumer Freedom is accusing Carrie Underwood of supporting animal-rights terrorists. And why? Because she's donating some proceeds from her new single -- a cover of Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home" -- to that controversial organization known as... The Humane Society of the United States.

Carrie Underwood may think she is supporting puppies and kittens, but she needs to understand that she is supporting domestic terrorists instead," wrote a columnist on the conservative site MichNews.com, referring in the first part of the statement to the understandable confusion of HSUS (which does animal advocacy, outreach, education about puppy mills, etc.) and the regular old Humane Society (known for pet adoptions).

So what's this supposed connection between the HSUS and terror? In a nutshell, activists in a different organization were convicted of using terrorist tactics, and some of those activists have apparently been in the same room as a representative from the HSUS. Check out this full-page ad that ran in the New York Times last December, where the organization attempted to explain with a flow chart how, exactly, the HSUS is a terrorist organization.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Carrie Underwood's Dress Was Too Short

While You Were Sleeping: The New American Idol Judge

Does Jessica Simpson's BF Tony Romo Have Performance Anxiety?

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Rush Limbaugh Cares What Women Think

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 21:47:00 GMT

Have you met Rush Limbaugh? He's the radio personality who popularized the term "Feminazi" and applies it with glee to any woman who sticks up for herself. Now he's wondering why there's a 31-point gender gap in his listenership. To find out just why he is so unpopular with the ladies, he held a Women's Summit on his program this week, where he asked women to phone in and tell him why they don't like him.

Not too surprisingly, women are not painted too well, even on this women's summit.

One caller claimed women don't like to put on a pretty skirts (um, hello? I love pretty skirts!) and "they have been given a line that they have to be unhappy, grumpy, they have to be Hillary, they have to be yelling and screaming."

Riiight. So there's only two options for women: pretty and traditional or angry and screaming. Here's more.

CALLER: Hi, Rush. I have three things you can do to close your gender gap by at least 15 points.

RUSH: Thank you. I want to hear what they are.

CALLER: Okay, get your pencil. First one. Make women believe you care more about them than their own husbands do.

RUSH: Hmm.

CALLER: Second one. You need to project an air of vulnerability. You need to let women think they can roll you.

RUSH: Well, wait a minute. Rule me?

CALLER: Roll.

RUSH: Roll or rule?

CALLER: Roll. Well, one and the same. One and the same, very clever! You can do this! It's not beyond you!

RUSH: All right, so I gotta make women believe I care more about them than their own husbands do, and I am vulnerable, I can be hurt.

CALLER: Yes. They can roll you. And you can do that by just marrying an Ivy League women from Chicago, Ivy League educated women from Chicago, that's how most Democrats do it. And the third thing to do is stop saying abortion is the sacrament to liberalism. You can still say that liberalism is a religion because women like to think they're religious, just drop the sacrament of abortion.

OK, so in addition to being pretty and docile things or angry and screaming, women are also easily manipulated saps.

Rush's conclusion? "It appears that women who have hated me have been led to me by other men and then have changed their opinion, which means something I have always known, that women do want to please their men. "

What- evvvs.

For the morbidly curious, the transcription is here.

Sloppy Seconds: Jessica Biel Finally Goes Topless

Swedish Prostitutes Complain: "We Wanna Pay Taxes, Too!"

Sloppy Seconds: Ellen Degeneres is on the Prowl

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:15:00 GMT

Ellen Degeneres is set on finding Anne Hathaway a new boyfriend. Um, can she find us one while she's at it? [People]

Oh! R. Kelly was married? Could have fooled us. [Us]

What did Martha Stewart say when she walked in on some lesbians having sex in prison? [DailyIntel]

We love this new PlanB commercial. Conservatives? Not so much. [AdAge]

Aaaaaaand the guy who lost the Minnesota state Senate seat is suing him. [Radar]

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Who Would You Rather: Elisabeth Hasselbeck vs. Ann Coulter?

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:01:00 GMT

We're really sorry to do this to you, but it's not like either of these conservative women is conventionally unattractive. So, if you had to pick one, who would you rather: Elisabeth Hasselbeck or Ann Coulter?

Related:

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Stumps for Sarah Palin, We Drink Heavily

Sloppy Seconds: And Just What Does Woody Allen Think Is So Unfunny?

Ann Coulter is a Man, Baby (According to Some Guy and a Computer)

Ann Coulter: Hillary More Conservative Than McCain

Ow, My Eyes! "Ann Coulter Lite" Is Anti-Everything We Hold Awesome

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Ashley Herzog is a college student at Ohio University and a blogger for Town Hall, one of the last bastions of conservatism in a medium overrun by liberal outlets like the New York Post, the Washington Times, the Utah Herald Journal, and, of course, those Commie pinko queers at Fox News.

Herzog is atypical of college students-- and we mean besides the fact that she doesn't support lowering the drinking age to 18 (or 12, as we've always favored.) Here's part of her recent post about Back To School stuff:

When school starts in the fall, many college students will be paying exorbitant tuition to universities that offer a silver platter of worthless courses: classes in Marxism, prostitution (Sociology of the Sex Industry is all the rage), “queer theory,” pornography, and rock and rap music. While some of these classes are easy to spot as non-educational, others masquerade under legitimate-sounding names in mainstream academic departments.
As an Ohio University senior who has sat through plenty of college junk courses—many of which were required for graduation—I’ve compiled a list classes for incoming freshmen to avoid.

Well, we're pretty sure classes in Marxism, prostitution (Sociology of the Sex Industry is all the rage), “queer theory,” pornography, and rock and rap music were not required, you nitwit. And we're pretty sure even a liberal warhorse like, um, Ohio University has one or two classes up your conservative alley.

So, what are those classes we thinking people should avoid, Ash?

Don’t register for English classes that revolve around the writings of some allegedly oppressed group, such as “Gay and Lesbian Literature” or “Women and Writing.” These classes typically have nothing to do with great, or even good, literature.
Avoid classes that teach American history not as it actually happened, but as the professor thinks it should have happened. Check out the required texts before registering. If the professor uses books like Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States (which claims that American leaders orchestrated the Civil War to halt the impending socialist revolution), don’t waste your money

Well, having read that book we can say the reason you're upset with it is because it doesn't present the world the way the conservative movement would like to see it. And sorry, Ashley, but sometimes that's the way things go...

Read the rest of her Drudge Report audition here. PS: The "Ow, My Eyes" thing refers to not her looks but her words.

New Zealand Party Poopers Move To Shut Down "Boobs On Bikes" Parade

David Vitter: "Thank Christ You Forgot About Me"

This Week In Gayness: Doctors Shocked To Learn They Can't Reject Gay Patients

Today in WTF: K-Mart Abstinence Pants

While You Were Sleeping: Autistic Children Are Brats?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 13:58:00 GMT

The YouTube divorce trial has ended with no surprises. She signed a prenup, so that pretty sure wrapped it up. (Oh yeah, airing your husband's dirty laundry in front of three million people on the internet could not have helped your standing with the judge.)

John McCain's essay on the Iraq War was rejected by the New York Times. And not because he's wrong on every single point.

Various British media outlets are reporting Christian Bale will be questioned by police over allegations he beat his mother and sister the night before the European premiere of the new Batman movie...

His mother and sister reportedly complained that the 34-year-old actor assaulted them at a west London hotel on Sunday.
Britain's Press Association said they made the allegation at a police station in south England on Monday and that the allegation was passed on to Scotland Yard in London. It said questioning was expected Tuesday. [CNN]

A Palestinian man was killed near Obama's hotel (he wasn't yet staying there, though) after the man rammed several vehicles in what is believed to have been an attack unrelated to the Senator's visit.

A court overruled the fine leveled by the FCC against CBS for the 2004 "warddrobe malfunction incident." Hooray for free speech... and more importantly... hooray for oddly-pierced boobies.

And talk show host and (big surprise) hardcore conservative Michael Savage is under attack after saying 99 percent of all kids with autism are nothing more than "brats."

UPDATE: According to Yahoo! News, Bale is under arrest in connection with the previously-reported incident, although the Guardian is reporting the charge is for assaulting his mother and not both his mother and sister.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Michelle Pfeiffer vs. Julie Newmar

We Saw The Dark Knight In A Cavernous Movie Theater, During The Dead Of Night

Video of the Day: "American Psycho" as RomCom

Today in WTF: K-Mart Abstinence Pants

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 19:04:00 GMT

Giving rival Wal-Mart a run for its braindead conservative money, K-Mart recently introduced a pair of women's pants with a slogan on them that has the blogosphere in an uproar...

From the K-Mart website:

"These athletic pants boldly proclaim just where she stands by pointing out that "True Love Waits" in a large screen print on the front and back of these pants."

Unsurprisingly, the K-Mart spokesperson evades the question as to whether this item supports abstinence:

"There may be some (customers) who made the (abstinence association), but it was not the intention." the pants have absolutely nothing to do with taking any kind of position, either way, on abstinence. "It was not associated with any group or any cause," said Amy Dimond. "It was just a graphic put on the pants."

We're buying that-- the pants, we mean, not her explanation. For, as The Frisky put it: "Because what says 'Abstinence Rules!' like a big ol’ message on your butt?"

P.S. It should be noted, as AZ Central does, that "there is no similar product for young men."

Via AZ Central.

South Korea's Mind-Blowing Adultery Saga Continues

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 May 2008 20:25:00 GMT

In South Korea, where adultery is not just grounds for public embarrassment but arrest as well, two of the nation's biggest stars are embroiled in a widely publicized marital meltdown that could have far-reaching ramifications for the radically conservative country.

When the fading TV heartthrob Park Chul accused his actress wife of infidelity, he ignited an undignified row that has transfixed South Korea and probably mortally wounded the careers of two of the country's top stars. But the best might yet be to come: could Korea's rawest celebrity scandal end a half-century-old law banning adultery?

Last year, Chul publicly claimed his wife had had an affair with "an Italian chef and an opera singer," which Scanner is willing to bet are probably going to be identified as Mario Batali and Luciano Pavarotti. No? Well, in any case, the wife, with the unfortunate name (at least when read in English-speaking countries) of Ok So-ri was rumored to have been secretly videotaped having the affair.

Ok stunned Koreans by calling a press conference in which she denied sleeping with the Italian – who she said had only given her English and cooking lessons – but admitted to a short affair with the singer. She then aired intimate details of her sham marriage, leaving her husband feeling, in his words, like a "pedestrian hit by a car". Park responded by filing a criminal suit against his wife for adultery...
The offence, which conservatives say is designed to protect the family, carries a two-year prison sentence, although just 47 of the 1,200 people convicted last year served jail time (most were given suspended sentences).

Ms. So-ri (or "Ok") has petitioned the country's Constitutional Court (we doubt that their Constitution is as awesome as ours, although it's probably just as usurped) to overturn the law, which some observers speculate could actually happen. We're tempted to make jokes about what this would open the door for, but we'll admit this is too scary a story to poke much fun at. (Jail for adultery? Hell, back in 1992 in this country, you could elected President because you had an affair.)

Via the Independent.

On Our To-Do List: Charles Barkley

Katie Halper — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 20:07:00 GMT

We're totally, full-court press, crushing on Charles Barkley after hearing him slam the Christian Right for being fake and hypocritical on CNN. Like so many crushes, Charles had us at "[Conservative] Christians... they're not supposed to judge other people, but they're the most hypocritical judge of people we have in this country." And hearing Charles say "I feel very comfortable saying I'm pro-choice and I'm for gay marriage" made us feel very hot and bothered. In case you're reading this, Mr. Barkley, we just wanted to let you know that if you wanted to drive us to the basket, box us out or double team us, we wouldn't call a flagrant foul.

Until somebody can really answer the question WWJD, we'll just live by this golden rule: WWCBD ("What Would Charles Barkley Do"). Hopefully we are on his "Who Would Charles Barkley Do" List. But either way, Charles Barkley is on the top of our To-Do List.

Who's Better in Bed: Lefties or Conservatives?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 19:00:00 GMT

We have a political strategist friend who, while a hardcore lefty, prefers sleeping with Republicans because "there's all that repressed sexual energy." Seeing as how he's a total ladies man, it's hard to argue with that. But does it work the other way around? (It seems to work for baldy Dem James Carville and sassy Bush I staffer Mary Matalin.)

Scanner brings you A List of Reasons Why You Should Sleep With Your (Political) Rivals... and let's you answer the question posed in this blog's title...

The List of Reasons to Sleep With Your Political Opposites:

- Hot grunge fucking in response to ideological policy proposals you disagree with.

- Anal sex would take on a whole new dimension and reward level come tax time.

- Political discussion and arguments produce an orgasm rich environment.

- Hate breeds. Literally.

- People who always agree with you are boring.

- State of the Union sex games. Every time only your half of the chamber applauds the other must submit to a new position (and vice versa).

- Twister: Poll dancing and push polling edition.

- The relationship provides a wider selection of magazines on the coffee table.

- You pay much more attention come pillow talk time. (Careful not to get caught taking notes.)

And finally: Swing State Key Parties!

I'd also add to this by giving a shout out to fuckthevote.com, the website that encouraged people to sleep with conservatives and then somehow convince them to change their opinions, now defunct. Now, vent your frustrations and tell your hate-sex stories in the comments.

[Photo: Bob Adler]