Scanner : country music

Bearded Man of the Week: Kris Kristofferson

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Over the next few days, two of your Scanner bloggers will be seeing Kris Kristofferson play solo acoustic concerts. Most people wouldn't even know it if country music's greatest living songwriter passed through their towns, but we never miss him. The author of "Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down," "Me and Bobby McGee," "Help Me Make It Through the Night," and many other classics is no showman-- and his voice ain't much these days, either. But few have written songs this good before or since, and that's worth the price of admission alone.

Now, for the first time in ages, Kris is making headlines across the country, thanks to a controversial Rolling Stone article by Ethan Hawke. The anecdote that begins the story is the best music tale we've ever heard... and one you won't want to miss.

Oh yeah... and did we mention lots of beard photos after the jump?

In the new Rolling Stone, Ethan Hawke recites a story that involves hanging with Kris backstage at Willie Nelson's 70th birthday several years ago. While everyone waited in the wings to go on, Toby Keith (he's not named, but it's been confirmed elsewhere) walks by and says, "Hey Kris, none of that left shit out there tonight." We wish we had the full article in front of us (it's not online) so we could recite every word, but here's what we could pick up from press releases and other excerpts:

At that moment in time, the Star had a monster radio hit about bombing America's enemies back into the Stone Age...
[After Kris said something like, "What did you just say to me?" and stepped to Keith, Willie muttered something about not getting Kris riled up.] Then Kris, an Army vet during the 60's, got in Keith's face and asked, "Have you ever killed another man? Huh? Have you ever taken another man's life and then cashed the check your country gave you for doing it? No, you have not, so shut the fuck up."
Mr. Keith replied, "What?" and Kristofferson said, "Don't what me, boy! You heard the question. You just don't like the answer. I asked, 'Have you ever served your country?' The answer is, 'No, you have not.'"
And then, right there in front of Ray Charles and Norah Jones and Willie Nelson and a bunch of others, Kristofferson told Toby Keith... "You don't know what the fuck you are talking about!"
[Willie, of course, was trying not to laugh. At the end, he told Hawke-- this is not a direct quote-- "Waylon Jennings always used to say, 'Those kind of people did for country music what pantyhose did for finger-fucking.'"
Side note: according to Walyon's son Shooter, his Dad used to say that about one person specifically: Garth Brooks.]

Excerpts via the Tennessean, Rolling Stone, and other sources.

Meanwhile, Toby Keith and Kris Kristofferson both denied the story, with Keith claiming he never even met Kris that night. The media are having a field day with this one, thanks to there being no other entertainment news out there right now.

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Someone Should Really Name This Johnny Cash Week...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 20:41:00 GMT

Two of the most memorable moments in the life of Johnny Cash occurred during the last week of February, one in 1969 and the other in 1932.

Can you guess what they are?

1) Today would've been Cash's 77th birthday. Happy birthday, old soul, wherever you are.

2) On February 24th, 1969, Johnny performed at San Quentin Prison in California, a concert that resulted in his second successful live album in a row and his biggest hit single of all-time, A Boy Named Sue, a novelty song by Shel Silverstein. Inmates were treated to songs by Carl Perkins, the Statler Brothers, the Carter Family, and Johnny, who played with a revolving cast of musicians from those groups, including wife June Carter. He debuted a new song, "San Quentin," which went over so well, he immediately played it again. (Some have speculated that the rapturous reception was "added" to the recording, since the inmates had remained unwilling to support a song attacking the possibly vindictive guards, but then why would Cash play it a second time right away?)

About halfway through the show, Johnny tried out "A Boy Named Sue" on the inmates, who are seen in this video lapping it up, guffawing all the way. Now that's a captive audience.

The song would hit #1 on the country and #2 on the pop charts. Miss you, big guy.

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Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 16:57:00 GMT

Late last year, as men's magazines were coming out with their hottest women on the planet lists, we started to put together a list of hot, normal-sized women. As much as we hate the idea of having to create a separate list for women size 10 and up, we can't imagine the editors of FHM or Maxim drooling over a size 10 or 12. You can call Beyonce curvy all you want, she's probably still only a size 6. Hence the need for this list.

Unfortunately, we got stuck at around seven. We couldn't come up with ten relevant, prominent women who were the size of the average American woman (14) who could turn heads. Frustrated, we gave up on it. But last week, when we heard that Anna Wintour—who, to put it plainly, does not like fat girls—was going to fill the pages of Vogue with pictures of British songstress and former Crush of the Week Adele, we enlisted the help of our girlfriends to complete the list. It turns out most of them were frustrated, too, that they couldn't contribute more than one or two names. "This is sadly hard!!!" wrote one, to which we replied, "Actually, it's infuriatingly hard." But three months and 37 emails later, we have a list of ten amazingly hot women who we assume* wear a size 10 or larger. We know we've left plenty of beautiful women off of this list (and we hope you'll list them in the comments section), but we hope you'll enjoy Scanners Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up.

10. Keely Shaye Smith
Though she has an acting career of her own, we really only know Kelly Shaye Smith as Pierce Brosnan's wife—and unfortunately only because tabloids made terrible fun of some bikini photos of her. But we give Brosnan two thumbs up for his beautiful buxom bride of eight years.

[Image]

9. Missy Elliott
We have a hard time imagining Missy Elliot in anything but a trash bag, but once she ditched that getup, she got pretty damn hot. (Okay, she was hot then, but the trash bag really wasn't doing much for her.)

[Image]

8. Janet Weiss
Is there anything hotter than a chick who plays bass? How about a chick who plays drums? Janet Weiss, former drummer for the now defunct riot grrrl band Sleater-Kinney, now plays with Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks.

[Image]

7. Sara Ramirez
She was hot as George's wife, Callie Watts on Grey's Anatomy, but now that she's bringing some hot, lesbian action to the show, we imagine Sara Ramirez has earned herself a whole new set of fans (including us!).

[Image]

6. Adele
Had anyone heard of Adele before she made an appearance on what will forever be referred to as Sarah Palin's Saturday Night Live episode? Lucky for her, and us, everyone was watching. Just a few short months later, she took home a Grammy for Best New Artist.

[Image]

5. Jennifer Hudson
From American Idol to Dreamgirls to her 2009 Grammy Award for Best R&B Album, whenever we see Jennifer Hudson, we can't help but be proud of our own curves. We usually also put on a tight dress and dance around the house to Supremes albums.

[Image]

4. Neko Case
Men want her and women want to be her. Neko Case is a woman you can't help but like, and the ~~former~~ front woman for the New Pornographers is beautiful with her firey red hair and pale skin. At first we had a hard time believing Case was a 10, but we have it on very good authority (a friend who works in the music industry) that she is. And we like it.

[Image]

3. Queen Latifah
Easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl, actress, singer and rapper Queen Latifah has managed to reinvent herself enough to remain relevant—and smokin'—for 20 years. Here's hoping for another 20.

[Image]

2. Nigella Lawson
Without the T&A we all love so much, Nigella Lawson could probably squeeze that little waist of hers into a size 6. But we would hate for that to happen. Not only is she gorgeous, Lawson has gone through so much shit in her life (she lost her mother, her sister and her first husband to cancer) yet still manages to make sure we all eat enough chocolate.

[Image]

1. Christina Hendricks
We have to bow at the feet of Christina Hendricks for bringing Joan Holloway and her gorgeous curves into our lives, and back into the mainstream popular culture. While she likes her dresses snug, we heard from someone who used to share her clothes that she's most certainly a size 10. And on a scale of 1 to 10, a 10.

[Image]

*Disclaimer: This size thing is based purely on our own assumptions and/or input from people who claim to know. But being a size 10 ourselves, we're pretty good at guessing these things.

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Today is the Day the Music Died

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:49:00 GMT

On February 3, 1959, a small chartered airplane carrying rock 'n roll singers and virtual superstars Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper (alias of J.P. Richardson) crashed in an Iowa field, killing them instantly.

While everyone knows this story, recounted in the famous tribute "American Pie," a #1 single by Don McLean, the so-called "Day the Music Died" is most interesting for all the many strange and unusual turn of events that led Holly, Valens, and Richardson to fly that plane...

Here are the more memorable coincidences, fateful decisions, and other story elements we've retained from numerous news stories over the years:

1) There was never supposed to be a plane. Even back then, rock stars had a large touring bus in which to commute to their endless gigs. Unfortunately, they were doing a Midwestern tour in the winter and their ride's heating system had collapsed.

2) They were supposed to have the next day off. Greedy promoters spotted an open date on the tour itinterary and called a ballroom owner in Moorhead, Minnesota, eventually the plane's intended destination, and secured a booking.

3) Richie Valens wasn't supposed to be on the plane at all. He flipped for a seat with the touring guitar player and won his spot.

4) The Big Bopper didn't have a seat on the plane either. (In fact, the singer Dion would've been the fourth famous singer killed that day if he hadn't of balked at the $36 airfare.) In perhaps one of the most important moments in both rock and roll and modern country music, Waylon Jennings had the final spot on the plane, but gave it up to the whining Richardson. When Buddy Holly spotted Waylon leaving the aircraft with his belongings, he jokingly snapped, "Well, I hope you're ol' bus freezes up." Jennings laugh and shot back, "Yeah, well, I hope your ol' airplane crahses." No wonder the man drank himself to oblivion in his later years...

5) The pilot wasn't an experienced nighttime flyer and was misinformed about weather conditions. It is said that poor visibility and a lack of sufficient operating instruments were likely leading contributors in the crash, which killed the pilot on impact.

Looking for something uplifting after all this? Thanks to the magic of technology, the great work these gentlemen did before their untimely deaths is preserved for all time... here's Buddy Holly, for starters:

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While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:01:00 GMT

Check out this fake police I.D. card a man made for himself. You'll note he didn't completely paint over Chipotle's logo...

Mindy McCready capped off a horrible year with a visit to the psych ward following a suicide attempt. Let's hope the new year presents her with a clean slate.

Here's a great robbery story: a guy demanded money from a cashier at a fast food joint. The cashier laughed and said, "Get a job." The guy then pulled a box cutter and asked for the cashier's wallet, a request that was granted. The cashier had no money either, so they robber left and was quickly arrested.

There is mounting left-wing opposition to Obama's choice of Rick Warren to kick off the inauguration. We think Stevie Wonder would make a great substitute preacher.

By the way, if you just got accepted into Northwestern, you might want to read this. (Same for those who got rejected.)

A man went for a joyride with a hearse. The hearse was idling in front of a funeral home, the sick fuck.

Lindsay Lohan had a close call with a crazy. And no, her father didn't show up at her party or anything.

And it looks like the stripping video game for the Wii is on hold. Yeah, they might need to find a developer before they start, um, developing that...

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Taylor Swift: Joe Jonas Likes It Up the Butt

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 22:05:00 GMT

We refrained from putting the above comment in quotes was because we completely fabricated it out of nothing.

But really, don't these kids have anything more interesting to say about their relationships? What happened to ruining your career by dishing the dirt publicly, Jennifer Aniston-style, and taking everyone down with you?

After the jump, some quotes Taylor Swift gave to a country music magazine. The interview was placed on The Boot's front page, right above a story about Loretta Lynn (whose huge hits include "Don't Come Home A-Drinkin' with Lovin' On Your Mind" and "You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man"), which reminded us of how badass singers used to be... and how they came off as cool especially after they talked major trash about their lovers...

"What I've learned is that I've really moved on from it.You can't stress about what you can't change. You have to live your life and be happy in spite of whatever doubts you might have or whatever might have happened.

"I'm not typically the girl who dates a lot of guys or is in relationships a lot. Most of my life, I've been single [yeah, that's because most of your life has taken place before puberty-- fer chrissakes, you're 19!] If I meet somebody who's great, I'll make an exception. But I'm really happy being alone ... I don't feel a sense of emptiness if I don't have a boyfriend.

"If you're like, 'I need to talk to you' all the time, [or] 'Why didn't you call me back?' ... If you're that girl, then nobody's going to want to date you. I have this rule: I don't call a guy first. And you can't ever send two text messages in a row.

"It's so important to be confident in who you are. The best thing you can bring to a relationship is a whole person."

Seriously, we're thrilled that a natural young talent like Taylor Swift is on the country music scene-- or any entertainment scene for that matter-- a woman who writes her own songs, has the indie spirit, is down to earth, and maybe won't end up marrying some childhood friend in Vegas and a backup dancer who has the IQ of a fence post.

We can dream, can't we?

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Musicians I'd Like To Finance: Great 2008 CDs By Older Women

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 22:03:00 GMT

PopMatters has a story today about 2008 being a great year for women in music. And by women, they aren't including 11-year-old Disney pop stars.

However, this is the kind of list that makes you realize it wasn't such a great year for women in music at all...

Heading off the list is the great Sam Phillips, who caught our permanent attention in, of all things, Die Hard With a Vengeance, in which she played the sexiest mute female assassin in the action movie pantheon. Apparently, she's some sort of well-regarded solo artist, as well. (Okay, we knew that-- but aren't you all concerned about the fact that her album is one of the best of the year and you didn't know she had one out?)

Also on the list is perennial favorite and the hottest gray-haired female singer alive, Joan Baez, who did an album this year with Steve Earle. Other runners up: Phoebe Snow, Kathy Mattea, Aimee Mann, and Carlene Carter. Carlene is the daughter of June and stepdaughter of Johnny (Cash, of course.) Aimee Mann got her start in the 80s with 'Til Tuesday and Voices Carry.

What does this mean? In the music business, you can't even get an indie award over the age of 45 if you're a woman who hasn't been big on the scene for many years...

See the full list and reviews at Pop Matters.

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While You Were Sleeping: Bailon To Do Playboy For 100G's?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 14:10:00 GMT

The newest star on Obama's shortlist for a cabinet post: Hillary Clinton, with Secretary of State the likely job. Meanwhile, Obama will resign his Senate seat early (this Sunday) instead of waiting for the Constitution to push him out.

Nebraska is in chaos, with all sorts of parents trying to drop off their rebellious teens under the Safe Haven Law.

Finally, a talk show host who might actually be funny:

John Mayer is in talks with network executives to take his singing talents to the small screen - as the host of a weekly variety show.

Rod Stewart and Ron Wood's original breakthrough group, the Faces, may be getting back together. We're trying not to get too excited because there's not even a hint of an American show.

A cleaner at a zoo in Singapore either lost his mind or was on some powerful narcotics when he wandered into the tiger exhibit. Oh boy... not pretty.

A nudist was cleared of all charges for riding his bike at night in his Oregon neighborhood.

Taylor Swift might quit country music at some point to become a surgeon.

And Adrienne Bailon's publicity stunt may have paid off: Playboy liked the ass shots, and now want to see more... with $100,000 as their offer.

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While You Were Sleeping: When MySpace Attacks...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:52:00 GMT

An eldery woman in Evanston, Illinois couldn't bear to part with her three siblings after their deaths. Turns out, she decided to keep their bodies in her home...and got away with it for a quarter of a century.

Natalie Portman was kinda wasted on the Letterman show the other night.

One of our favorite country music legends has lung cancer...

Country singer Merle Haggard, recently diagnosed with lung cancer, had part of a lung removed and is recovering at home, his spokeswoman said on Sunday. [Yahoo!]

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson... not totally broken up?

As if MySpace wasn't going downhill already: now it's censoring one of the only pages anyone would ever actually sign in to MySpace to read.

A nationwide protest of California's Proposition 8 will take place on Saturday the 15th. Do not miss this.

And Nicole Kidman is playing "the world's first post-op transsexual," who is married to a woman played by "Charlize Theron." Yum.

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While You Were Sleeping: Who The Hell Is Gerald Butler?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

How did a traffic cop know to arrest a random guy who was driving by him? Because the guy was driving the cop's truck.

In election news: Obama delivered his 30 minute ad to the nation. McCain, meanwhile, is resorting to attacking Obama via robocalls-- in Arizona.

Do you think this time they'll get it right in the Phil Spector trial?

This Joe the (Not Really A) Plumber guy is really starting to get on our nerves. Worse yet, he may start singing country music.

Oooh, the Beatles might have songs on Rock Band pretty soon.

We'll find out on November 7th whether the guy who attacked Noel Gallagher was drunk or just trying to save us from another Oasis album.

We think Gerard Butler is going to be the next big star. So does everyone else, which means he already is.

And this photo (seen above) should give you a hint what the new Guy Ritchie-Robert Downey-Sacha Baron Cohen-Sherlock Holmes movie is going to be like.

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Top 10 Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgeries

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 19:29:00 GMT

For no particular reason (well, other than that there's nothing much out there today except political news), we decided to start Halloween early: a series of the worst celebrity plastic surgeries.

And remember, kids, unless you've been in a motorcycle accident (like suave mofo Gary Busey!)-- or some equally scarring experience-- it's better to stick with what you were born with, flaws and all...

10. Janice Dickinson: Is that her or Penelope Cruz put through a brutal Photoshopping?

9. Lil' Kim: "Sorry, but we already cast Catherine Zeta-Jones as Cleopatra."

8. Tara Reid tries to reenact that Seinfeld episode with her belly button: "Helloooooooooo..."

7. Kenny Rogers -- Looks like The Gambler gambled and lost to Beverly Hills. There's nothing wrong with looking 80, Kenny, when you've always looked 79 anyway.

6. Farrah Fawcett (see top of this page.) Holy God, is that Melanie Griffith, aged by computer to the year 3028? Nope, that's the woman who we thought was going to age like Sophia Loren. Come on, now, get some help, please...

5. Mickey Rourke. Some say this was due to a post-Hollywood boxing career gone Jake La Motta, but even Jake himself couldn't have caused this much damage to this dude.

4. (tie) Jenna Jameson and Pamela Anderson. Why would the world's #1 porn star need even more attention? Why would Pamela Anderson need bigger boobs? You know when even Howard Stern thinks you're perfect, there's no one left to please...

3. Joan Rivers. Yeah, this one you know... you've seen her on E!, everyone's been ragging on her for years about it, we'll move on.

2. Melanie Griffith -- too scary to post here. Click on this link at your own peril.

1. Michael Jackson, a manchild who needs no introduction... well, only this:

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Three's a Crowd: Kevin Costner Goes Country

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:03:00 GMT

It appears Jessica Simpson and ~~Hootie~~ Darius Rucker aren't the only ones who've gone country.

Actor Kevin Costner will fulfill his "longtime dream" this November when he releases his first country album with his band Modern West.

Don't get us wrong; we love country music. In fact we play in a country band. It's just contemporary country music that makes us want to shove our Dingo boots (both of them) up someone's ass to make the bad lyrics stop. Considering his band has already played a NASCAR event, it just might be one of those.

The bright side: the album can't be worse than Waterworld... right?

[People: Kevin Costner Goes Country with a New Album]

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Emily Farris — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:36:00 GMT

~~Hootie~~ Darius Rucker, front man of Hootie and the Blowfish, has bumped Jessica Simpson from the top of Billboard's country chart. Um, is Hank Williams rolling over in his grave? [Us]

Heather Mills gave hamburgers to poor kids in the Bronx last weekend. Except she didn't exactly tell the kids the burgers were vegan. [Gourmet]

We imagine 13-year-old Christian girls (and their mothers) with no taste in music and boys are about the only ones not happy about Clay Aiken coming out. [People]

Yes, we were right. [Radar]

Will you buy Blair and Chuck's albums? We will not. Though we also said we would not watch "Gossip Girl".. sigh. [MTV]

Just as you should not go to George Clooney with a medical emergency (save something stuck in your vagina), you probably shouldn't go to Michael Douglas in times of financial crisis. But hell, nobody else is doing a good job of fixing it, so maybe the "Wall Street" star can offer some hope? [Yahoo!]

If what The Enquirer says is true (hey, they were right about John Edwards) then Sarah Palin used to fuck a snowmobile dealer named Brad Hanson, yet another business parter of poor Todd Palin. [Wonkette]

Sloppy Seconds: Why is This Girl So Happy?

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 21:04:00 GMT

Just in case you were wondering, R. Kelly is not interested in "anyone illegal." [Yahoo!]

And Brad and Angelina have not split up. [Us]

Sarah Palin has canceled her two-day tour of California. Apparently it's a "scheduling issue." [SFGate]

After humping a monitor, Madonna fell over during a live performance. At least we think it's Madonna. [dListed]

Please, please tell us how we can get into the country musicians' retirement community. We do play in a country band. Does that count as being part of "the industry?" [People]

Okay, the girl pictured above isn't smiling. But we imagine it's the best she can muster. Anyway, she's smiling inside because goth will never die! [NYT]

Jessica Simpson Recovers Quite Nicely from Her Honky Tonk Ass Flash

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 19:28:00 GMT

Jessica Simpson didn't start the week off so well, but she sure did finish nicely.

If you recall, she gave a terrible live performance on Good Morning America while wearing some really bad clothes that didn't quite do the trick of keeping her bits covered.

Luckily, she hit the streets later in the week looking fabulous, and there's a brand new ass shot (albeit covered) after the jump. And the old one, just for shits and giggles.

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Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:19:00 GMT

Bangkok Dangerous star Nicholas Cage just settled with the IRS and agreed to pay hundreds of thousands in back taxes. Will you pay ours while you're at it, Nick? It's only a few hundred. [Forbes]

Josh Hartnett has filed a lawsuit against the UK's Daily Mirror after the paper ran a story claiming he had sex in the public area of a hotel. [People]

Are we seriously still talking about purity rings? [MollyGood]

We didn't even know there were rumors that Pam Anderson and Michael Jackson were dating. [Us]

If you live in New York and happen to see "the worst dressed group of young people" being followed around by cameras, you have entered The Real World, Brooklyn. [NY Press]

Another one for New Yorkers: we're going to be on TV tomorrow morning. We'll be showing you how to make your TV dinners better on Fox 5's "Good Day New York" at 8:39 a.m. Catch us if you can, or want to.

Jessica Simpson was in New York this morning to perform on Good Morning America. She stopped a live, televised performance because she couldn't hear anything. She also wore the worst outfit ever, and apparently she now has a southern accent. Except when she's "with yeeewah." [ABC]

EXCLUSIVE: Toby Keith Worships Satan, Ted Nugent, And Lynch Mobs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:57:00 GMT

Toby Keith, America's highest-rated terrorist, is sending the liberal blogs into a tither after his appearance on the Colbert Report last night.

And it isn't even for anything he said-- actually, it's for a song he's been singing for years and which was a smash hit single after 9/11, containing lyrics that most thinking people would find insane and dangerous had they not been avoiding country music radio since 1976...

Why Stephen Colbert, who out of character is a practicing liberal and would never be caught dead allowing a person like Toby Keith to get away with ruining what little is left of this country's well-being, should allow this guy to sing this song, "Beer For My Horses" (God, what a cheesy ass song, not even including its cultural ignorance) and not goof on him mercilessly is beyond us:

Grandpappy told my pappy back in my day, son
A man had to answer for the wicked that he'd done
Take all the rope in Texas
Find a tall oak tree, round up all of them bad boys
Hang them high in the street
For all the people to see

Yo, that's about lynching, okay? Not cool, Colbert! Why didn't you attack him on that? As Max Blumenthal pointed out at the HuffPo:

During the days when Toby Keith's "Grandpappy" stalked the Jim Crow South, lynching was an institutional method of terror employed against blacks to maintain white supremacy. According to the Tuskegee Institute, between the years 1882 and 1951, 3,437 African-Americans were lynched in the United States, mostly in the heart of Dixie. Felonious assault and rape (read: corrupting "the flower of white womanhood") were the two most frequent justifications for lynch mob actions.
Georgia was ground zero for lynch mob activity. Though most of the Peach State's victims were black, one of its most high-profile hangings claimed the life of a Jew, Leo Frank. Frank, a college-educated Northerner, was wrongly convicted in 1913 of murdering a 13-year-old girl after a show trial in which his prosecutor portrayed him to a grand jury as a bisexual pervert. Before the trial, one juror remarked, "If I get on that jury, I'll hang that Jew for sure."

You can imagine what happened to Frank and others like him, in Keith's glorious, Hitler-esque vision of the South. By the way, if Toby Keith loves lynching, then we can also correctly assume he worships Satan, who is a big fan of eye-for-an-eye anarchic lawlessness, and Ted Nugent, who is a racist pigporker and will kill us all with his 2,227 guns.

PS. Besides being a world-class shitbag, Toby Keith is also a talentless wanker we'd easily take in a fight, with a Guantanamo hood over our heads... bring it on, indeed.

Via the Huffington Post.

Snoop Dogg is a Honky Tonk Angel

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:17:00 GMT

It's no secret that Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson have been smoking it up together for some time now. And it's no secret that we'd really like to get in on that shit. Instead, we'll have to settle for listening to Snoop Dogg's first country single (featuring Nelson), "My Medicine."

Once you get past the beginning (Snoop's references are the equivalent of Willie Nelson starting his first rap song with allusions the Apollo, Tupac and Alizé), the song is pretty catchy... and is exactly what you'd expect a country song from Snoop to sound like.

"Girl my love's gonna last just as long as my high and I'm high all day everyday."

But like Snoop says, "Country music is the most underrated music in the world... It always has the test of time, it's great, it's heartfelt, and it touches people no matter what color they are or where they're from."

True that, Snoop. And your song puts that cheesy Tim McGraw-Nelly duet to shame (even though we have a soft spot in our hearts for it... so we're going to share it with you).

Related:

Video of the Day: Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg Perform "Superman" in Amsterdam

Sloppy Seconds: Whose Album is Snoop Dogg Not On?

Snoop Dogg Went to Molvania and Recorded the Video of Our Dreams

OMG: For the First Time, Like, Ever, We Totes Agree With Jessica Simpson

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 20:37:00 GMT

No, not about that shirt. But about another one...

Though we have nothing but love for our vegetarian and vegan sisters. More meat for us!

Also, we absolutely agree with Jessica Simpson's decision to go country. Because as you know, while Scanner Emily is a little bit rock 'n roll, she's a lot country.

God, did we really just agree with her twice in one day?

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Jessica Simpson vs. Ashlee Simpson Wentz

Does Jessica Simpson's BF Tony Romo Have Performance Anxiety?

We Just Found the Hottest Picture of Jessica Simpson Ever

Name That Girl: "Breasts like plucked guinea hens, undercooked and overstuffed."

[Image, Image]

Roger Clemens Has A Rocket In His Pocket

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 01 May 2008 21:20:00 GMT

We're supposed to be on vacation this week, but there are too many scandals to ignore. Roger Clemens has been a party to two-- count 'em, TWO!-- in the past 72 hours alone.

According to several major media outlets, beginning with the New York Daily News, Clemens had an affair with golfer John Daly's ex-wife, apparently sometime about ten years ago. The man is like Bill Clinton on ecstasy-- he's just having a great ol' time cheating on his wife at every opportunity.

And let's not forget the highlights from the Clemens-future awful reality show star Mindy McCready story:

1) McCready, a country singer who has been to jail twice in the last few years and is a notorious heavy drinker, began sleeping with Clemens-- allegedly, we are made to say-- at the age of 15.

2) Other sources say they only "went to a hotel together" when she was fifteen and that the relationship began much later, after McCready became a country star. Yeah, we don't buy that either. "Maybe he 'misremembered' what he was doing in those hotel rooms," jokes a reader of USA Today, referring to the infamous and ill-advised testimony Clemens gave to Congress recently.

3) Clemens may have tried to buy McCready's silence with a cool $25,000. Or he could've been, as his spokesperson says, just been "trying to help her out with her legal issues." More like his legal issues-- after all, he's the one who's suing his former personal trainer and righthand man for "defamation of character." Keeping Mindy quiet keeps his case from falling apart in court.

4) McCready's only statement: "I cannot refute anything in the story," which roughly translates to the English words "hell yes."

Via the Chicago Tribune.

Dolly Parton's Breasts Sabotage Her Tour Plans

Bryan Christian — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 13:00:00 GMT

How powerful is Dolly Parton's legendary decolletage? So powerful that it has delayed her Spring 2008 tour.

Parton, 62, said on Monday she would postpone her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her to take it easy for six to eight weeks to rest her sore back.

"Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems," the folksy singer-songwriter said in a statement.

Did she just offer to let us wag her puppies? Ladies and gentlemen: that is why we love her.

Also why we love her: because godDAMN, can anyone withstand the appeal of this?

No. No one can.