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Celebrity Couplings We Can Get Behind

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Contrary to what our incessant blogging about couples like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (PENIS!) might lead you to believe, we really don't care too much about celebrity couples. Really! But sometimes when two people seem so perfect for each other our need to match-make in the real world seeps into our blogging life. And now that a certain young lady who loves to show us her boobs is Tweeting about how much she loves a certain young man who would show us his boobs if he had them, we feel we need to do our part to make this romance happen.

Yes, folks, apparently Lily Allen "[thinks she's] in love with john mayer. I watched a DVD of one of his concerts last night, on the bus. His guitar playing is mesmerising. Sexy.”

Say what you will about Lily Allen, but we love her. She's one of the few celebrities we imagine we could get drunk with and get in trouble with and still end up liking her. And though we think she could do better than John Mayer, we just want the girl to be happy. Therefore, we totally endorse this possible union.

[FadedYouth: LILY ALLEN AND JOHN MAYER…?]

Related:

Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Divorced Couple in Custody Battle Over Dog Semen

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 16:57:00 GMT

We've never had the desire to get a pet with a significant other (okay, maybe once). It's much better going into the relationship knowing whose pet is whose so that when the inevitable split comes, we at least have our furry friends—who love us unconditionally—to cuddle up to. A not-so-wise couple that divorced seven years ago were back in court this week fighting over a dog. Sort-of.

Karen Scully, who lives in Florida, and her ex-husband, Anthony Scully, who stayed in Michigan after the divorce, have gone before Michigan family court judge Cheryl Matthews to determine which of them is legally entitled to frozen semen belonging to Cyrus, Regg and Romeo—dogs.

The three dogs, all AKC-registered bullmastiffs, are apparently worth $2,000, making their spunk just as valuable.

In the end, the judge—who at first asked "I asked, 'Am I Being Punk'd? Is this a 'Candid Camera' thing?"—ruled that it was not a divorce matter and told the couple they would have to ruff it out in civil court. Except she did not make that terrible pun; we did.

[Freep.com: Battle over frozen dog sperm gives judge pause -- and paws]

Related:

A Very Important Annoucement from Scanner HQ or: Why Scanner Emily is No Longer on the Road to Becoming a Crazy Cat Lady

Who Does Depression Hurt? Everybody Except Women Taking Semen Vaginally, Says a New Study

Somebody Pass the Creamy Cum Crepes!

Semen Now Considered A Dangerous Weapon In Oregon

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This Week in Gayness: Fred Phelps Attacks London

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:01:00 GMT

Australia is regressing into the past more and more every day: in addition to proposing a block on all terrorism-related websites (what, they don't have journalists in that country?), they want to block a lot of gay content.

John Kerry wants to reunite a gay couple. The Massachusetts Senator asked Attorney General Eric Holder to bring back a deported Brazilian man who was raped in his home country. A federal judge had said the rape was basically no big deal and he faced no danger in South America.

Rascal Flatts is telling people their new single, "Love Who You Love," has a pro-gay message.

A London elementary school has been teaching students that it's okay to have homosexual feelings and relationships. The best part of this is that when parents pull their kids from the school to avoid them hearing the lessons, the kids are marked truant. Of course, Fred Phelps heard about this and is bringing the Westboro Baptist Church over there to mess with them.

A federal judge ordered the state of Louisiana to put the names of both adopted fathers on a baby's birth certificate.

Chuck Schumer has finally come out... to back same-sex marriage.

And meanwhile, the Vermont Senate turned their gay civil unions into gay marriages. Woo-hoo!

Related:

This Week in Gayness: Aubrey O'Day May Be Gay

This Week In Gayness: America vs. Fred Phelps

Moran Suggests We Need To Get Rid Of Obama

This Week In Gayness: Sean Penn vs. Schwarzenegger

The Gays Fought The Law, Too Early to Tell Who Won

Rumormongering: Rihanna May Not Have Been the Only One Chris Brown Beat Up

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:23:00 GMT

Just in time for people to stop talking so much about the Rihanna-Chris Brown "incident" word is slowly spreading around the Interwebs that when Brown was (allegedly) beating his girlfriend, he may have also been harming the couple's unborn child.

Apparently, earlier this week Rihanna visisted a gynecologist at Ceadars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles only days before she was assaulted.

“She was extremely fidgety. She seemed totally uncomfortable,” an eyewitness at the doctor’s office told Star Magazine*.

An insider said that Rihanna was scared of how Brown would react to the news. “She was scared he would react badly,” said the source.

Rihanna is reported to have told friends after the beating: “All I could think was, ‘Oh, my God, I could lose the baby!’”

Sure, maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe she found out her BF gave her some STD and he got angry when she confronted him and proceeded to beat the shit out of her?

[Inquisitr: New Rihanna Pregnant Rumors]

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Impress the Ladies with Valentine Gifts

Colleen Kane — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:02:00 GMT

Sure, Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday, it means nothing, and you are forced to give some token of affection to the significant other or face the wrath. That's just the deal. But that token doesn't have to be something generic like flowers, chocolates, or those pathetic stuffed animals that no one wants (certainly not any grown woman I know).

To give something more memorable, the secret ingredient is effort. First, you must find out something about the lady you are buying a present for. Is she your girlfriend/wife or are you stalking her? (If the latter, skip this post and step away from everything.) What exactly does she like to put in her belly, accept into her ear-holes or eye-holes, put in her house, put on her body? (It's not specific enough, for quality gift-buying purposes, to simply know that she puts "clothes" on her body. If you need assistance, you can always try consulting one of her friends.)

The following suggestions won't work for everyone, but might provide some inspiration.

* Instead of the default roses, pick her favorite flowers, or plant them for her, or put them in a vase that's her style, such as the glorious Misfits number pictured above. (Also available in KISS, AC/DC, and Thrasher models for way too much $$$ from LeGaragePierreBlanc.com -- it's even French, so, bonus romance.)

* Does she enjoy the sex? How about a gift card to Babeland? They're available in denominations from $20 & up, their business and web store is so woman-friendly, and whatever she chooses could very well become a gift that keeps on giving.

* Can't stand to be apart from each other? Has she always wanted a Love Toilet, as seen on Saturday Night Live? Desginer Sebastian Brajkovic has designed something similar, but without the toilet part.

It's probably really really expensive and you should just duct tape two kitchen chairs together. (Don't do that.)

* Does she have a favorite food treat found only in a faraway land? Is it shippable (or pick-up-able, by you) without causing a gastronomic catastrophe? Deliver it yourself or have it shipped in for Feb. 14 and you will be the PIMP! Some restaurant/bakery websites, such as the often-craved by this writer Babycakes, list shipping info on their website.

YUM

* This is probably the most potentially budget-friendly option: choose from thousands of items on Etsy.com, where you can buy her something that's handmade and likely one-of-a-kind or limited edition (or vintage, or custom-made), like this cool silver and gold branch pendant ($36).

And check Etsy's blog for Valentine-themed items like this sweet card ($3).

Related:

Will You Be Our Sexy Valentine?

The Gamer Next Door Models Your Last-Minute Gifts

Holiday Gift Guide: Personal Submarine

Just in Time for Valentimes: Smittens

Colleen Kane — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 21:16:00 GMT

So, a pattern exists to knit "Smittens," which enable couples to hold hands within one mitten--and it's a heart shape! Kind of the visual equivalent of smoochy baby talk, no?

How do we feel about Smittens?

Please cast your vote.

Same Sex Couples: Just as Happy as Everyone Else

Some Married Couples Actually Have Sex--But Only for the Book Deal

Nothing Says "I Love You" Like Murdering Animals With the Nuge

Colleen Kane — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 17:29:00 GMT

Valentine's Day is coming up in ten days, and some couples will spend that day on a "Hunt Ted Nugent Sunrize Safaris Valentine's Couples Hunt."

Wait, we get to hunt Ted Nugent? Where do I sign up?

Unfortunately, no-- that's just awkward wording, but do read on for details of the hunt.

"Hunt Russian wild boar or exotic rams on Valentine's Day using guns or the preferred method of the god of love. A wild game lunch will be provided.

2 animals for $1100 - Hunter's Choice: Boar and/or Ram."

For the booking number and hours of entertainment/ horror/ delight (depending on your leanings), visit The Official Community of Ted Nugent website.

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EXCLUSIVE: Toby Keith Worships Satan, Ted Nugent, And Lynch Mobs

Not Gonna Take It Anymore, Angry Deer Fights Back

Why Does This Cute Old Man Have Three Guns?

One Couple, 90 Breweries, One Year, Many Beers

Colleen Kane — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:52:00 GMT

~~The couple that boozes together, cruises together.~~

~~The couple that glugs together, also chugs together.~~

Never mind. A husband-and-wife team of beer fanatics just completed their Year in Beer, which took them to 90 breweries in 15 countries, a milestone in beer travel. Yes, beer travel is a thing.

Chris Nelson and Meredith Canham-Nelson hit festivals and breweries from Alaska to Belgium, Oregon to England in 2008. Read all about what they discovered on their beer travels at TheBeerGeek.com.

(This sounds quite similar to my own travels with my fiance, only this couple is much more organized and methodical.)

You Can't Drink Beer, Look at Porn and Vote at Home; You Have to Drink Beer, Look at Porn Then GO Vote

Beer Pong Video Game Falls By Way Of Lenny Bruce, Poop Paintings, Janet Jackson's Nipples

Hey, Cheap Rent! Oh, Wait... The Fine Print Is Pretty Insane...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:45:00 GMT

How many of you would move to Manhattan if you landed an apartment for less than $3,000 a month? Now, how many of you would take the place if it was in the happening East Village for $325, rent stabilized?

Put your hands down, because as you may have suspected, this one's a ripoff even at those prices...

This is a post we came across on Craig's List (to our friends out there who are reading this-- no, we're not moving-- but Good God, if this had been for real, we would be breaking leases left and right to make it happen). (Emphasis added.)

$325 EAST VILLAGE- Controlled and large 3 bed (East Village) (map)

-Wow…I can’t believe I am doing this..But I am looking for someone to rent my rent controlled apartment. The monthly rent is extremely cheap and would be a dream for many people in this city. It is in the east village close to A and 3rd. I caught my wife in bed with our neighbor who is almost 20 years younger than her. She is refusing to move out and still seeing him when I am at work, on my bed…I need someone to move in and help me get her out. Man or woman. My plan is to act like we are a couple until she can’t take it anymore. I have done everything possible to try and get her out..But she is a scumbag….So we need to create some type of plan that would get her out..i would charge you very cheap and all you would have to do is act like we are dating. We might have to kiss if front her and make fake sounds when we are in the bedroom. Please respond with a detailed description of your plan to get her out and a little about your self. You could live there after she is out and unless we fall in love we don’t have to do anything else.

Right... you don't have to do anything else. Wow-- we knew that some people too breakups a little hard and rebounds with unwarranted seriousness, but Holy Christ-- this is worse than those ads that start "I'm a downtown businessman with no time for a girlfriend; so, if you want to be my roommate, I only have one requirement: wear this French maid outfit at all times..."

Via Craig's List.

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Vegas Is Boring, So Thank God Atlantic City's Still Sleazy...

Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

News Anchor Fired After His Swingers Craigslist Ad Cracks Up The Office

Today in Unlikely Couples: David Spade and....

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 18:11:00 GMT

David Spade was caught smooching with a new lady over the weekend. We were surprised when David Spade dated Heather Locklear. And again when he married some model. So we're not all that surprised by this. It's not that he's unattractive, he's just... David Spade, you know?

So, who is Spade's new lady friend?

Nicollette Sheridan and David Spade were spotted smooching Friday night at Beverly Hills restaurant Luau. There to celebrate Sheridan's 45th birthday, the pair — who arrived separately and began dinner at separate booths — 'couldn't resist each other for long,' a source tells Usmagazine.com.

According to the source, Spade winked at Sheridan and was by her side as she blew out the candles on her birthday cake. Later, the pair reportedly holed up in a booth where they 'cuddled and kissed.'

Sheridan's people say she's not dating Spade. Mhmm.

[MollyGood: New Make Out Buddies Alert]

Related:

The Last Days of Chris Farley

Sloppy Seconds: Desperate Housewives

While You Were Sleeping: Sex and Chocolate

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Asexual Married Couple Like Each Other, But Not In That Way

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 15:02:00 GMT

We totally buy asexuality as an orientation, though you won't find any here. So obviously then, there are questions.

This first person article by Paul Cox an out asexual married to another asexual throws a couple tricky ones our way, in particular if asexuals get married, what do they do on their wedding night?

Turns out, nothing they wouldn't do in front of their friends and family:

When we announced our engagement, our families were happy for us, and our friends in the asexual community were particularly pleased. On our wedding night, my mother-in-law insisted on booking us into a honeymoon suite, so we invited all our friends to an after party. We played Scrabble late into the night and everyone stayed over and slept on the hotel-room floor.

Nothing like a down and dirty game of Scrabble to set the mood. We'd always considered it foreplay, never thought of the game as the main event.

Related:

Chicago Doctor: "I've Treated Hundreds Of Unconsummated Marriages"

22-Year-Old Woman Auctions Off Virginity On Howard Stern

Chicago Doctor: "I've Treated Hundreds Of Unconsummated Marriages"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:53:00 GMT

Dr. Domeena Renshaw, a professor of psychiatry at Loyola University in Illinois, has treated over two hundred unconsummated marriages in her 36 years. That may not seem like much on paper-- unconsummated marriages are believed to account for less than 1% of total marriages, but imagine going, as some couples have, 23 years of sleeping in the same bed without ever once having had sex...

Part of us says "WTF?!" while another part says, "It's touching how strong the bonds between these partners must be if they're sticking together after 23 years without ever having sex." There's something sweet about that, for sure...

"I would have thought it would have vanished by now," she says, "but [we're currently treating] two couples."
Nobody knows how many relationships - married or not - have yet to include intercourse despite both partners wishing they could get the party started... Another expert, Talli Rosenbaum, a private practice physical therapist in Israel who works with couples in unconsummated relationships, says she has treated "a couple hundred" over the past 15 years.

According to Renshaw, there are several reasons couples never get around to the bonking:

1) Erectile dysfunction (duh)

2) Other physical problems, such as vaginismus (which happens when a woman unwillingly clamps down the muscles in her vagina)

3) Poor knowledge about sexual functions (meaning, somehow, both partners don't know what their gentials are really for)

4) Religious conservatism (they want you to make lots of babies, but they don't want you to know how)

5) Or other complicated emotional reasons

The article goes on to say:

These possible organic causes are why most therapeutic sessions start with a thorough physical exam, followed by counseling and confidence boosting. Rosenbaum sometimes prescribes pelvic floor exercises for women, along with the use of plastic "dilators" of increasing thickness. Of course, men can be prescribed ED drugs, too.
Often, however, unconsummated marriage isn't really due to the workings of the penis or vagina. For example, medical reports show such marriages are more common in countries with strict religious cultures. A clinic in Istanbul reported treating 404 unconsummated marriages in just four years. An Iranian hospital evaluated 200 cases in two years.

Indeed, religious and cultural pressure can be a tremendous detriment to the wedding night, which can only spiral if intercourse isn't achieved as soon as possible. Families can get involved, oblivious to the fact their "helpfulness" is only making things worse. Still, we were totally surprised to learn this is a major phenomenon anywhere, even in India.

You can read more of this story at NBC.

Related:

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Just What The Doctor Ordered: Top 10 Health Benefits Provided By Sex

McLovin' Isn't All That Into Getting Freaky With You

10 Reasons the Recession Will Rock Your Love Life

Eight Ways Great Sex Will Make You Rich

Woman Decides Sex and Marriage Don't Go Together

Married Writers Metaphorically Chain Themselves to Each Other

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 21:07:00 GMT

Ever hear the one about the Buddhist couple in the desert who vowed to never be more than 15 feet apart? Yep. As we type Michael Roach and Christie McNally are living in a yurt, eating off the same plate and following each other around sharing the same consciousness.

In this video from Slate's video blog married writers David Plotz and Hanna Rosin attempt to live like Roach and McNally for a day minus the yurt and all the sand. So how do they fare?

Despite some bickering over oatmeal and soccer the pair have a pretty good takeaway. It's nice for a change to know what your honey is up to constantly and what time they drink their first Fresca of the day.

We'd like to say we're so totally independent and isolated that we'd never be able to live 15 feet from another person, but it's 97 degrees outside and there's only one air conditioner in the apartment. The truth? We're elbow deep in someone else's consciousness right now and waiting until the sun goes down to claw our way out.

And you feel guilty listening to the neighbors have sex?

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Oh, the joys of having roommates—dishes in the sink, trash piling up, suspicious hairs on the toilet seat and... tiny cameras hidden througout the house?

An Australian man rigged up a series of tiny cameras in an apartment he shared, so he could spy on his roommates. At first we wondered what a 37-year-old man was doing with roommates, but apparently he had specifically advertised the place for a couple.

Unfortunately for police, they can't get into his computer because he won't give them the password. Unfortunately for us, aren't there ways around that? Just bring it over to the U.S. of A. where privacy is about as valuable as the U.S. dollar.

[Courier Mail: Man used hidden cameras to peep on housemates]