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While You Were Sleeping: Slumdog Millionaire Horrors Continue

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

A great national tragedy in New Zealand as a sex shop endures a trial by fire.

JG Ballard, author of Crash (the David Cronenberg movie) and Empire of the Sun, died after a long battle with cancer.

This 100-year-old Italian woman, a Nobel-prize winner in medicine, is still working.

Here's one you'll love: a $3.3 million lottery winner has opened a dude nude ranch.

The little girl from Slumdog Millionaire is in danger of being sold off by her father for 200,000 English pounds.

The tombs of both Cleopatra and Marc Antony may have been discovered.

Everything is the fault of the paps, even Madonna's equestrian injury over the weekend.

Everything Obama touches turns into an Amazon.com bestseller.

Somehow we don't believe Leonardo DiCaprio would have anything to do with Lindsay Lohan, but stranger things happen every day.

Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

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Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:44:00 GMT

These scenes for your frantic Friday are not of the S&M or Basic Instinct or even Secretary variety (that's a whole 'nother list.) Sometimes, you've had a really epic and soul-crushing workweek and you don't have time to warm up.

As those recent and soon-to-be-disproved surveys say, there's no need for foreplay anymore...

5. The Life of David Gale. Was it just us or was this Kevin Spacey-Kate Winslet movie a triumph of wasting our complete fucking time? Nope, we weren't the only ones-- the movie hovers around a 20% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes-- oh, and Richard Roeper gave it thumbs up, so that's all the evidence we need. And, frankly, we don't even remember this sex scene being in the film, which has to stand for something.

4. True Blood. Hey, we didn't claim these were all from the movies anymore. Besides, this show is more softcore porn flick than any turgid rated-R crapburger we've sat through this year... so, once again... that's gotta count for something. And bonafide Academy Award-winning actress Anna Paquin is featured-- so... there's that.

3. The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981) - We include this scene because, in a rare move for misogynist Hollywood, a woman is seen to be "leading" and "directing" the sex. Note that Jessica Lange demands that Jack Nicholson wait until she clears the table, then orders him to get down to business. Furthermore, she doesn't enjoy being on the bottom, so Jack will just have to make do with her on top. That's more like it, Tinseltown.

2. Crash (1996) - You've probably seen the Rosanna Arquette-James Spader scene... and the Deborah Unger-Elias Koteas-while-James-Spader watches sex scenes. But unless you've seen Crash, the 1996 David Cronenberg film and not to be mistaken for that flaming piece of tripe from a few years ago, you probably didn't even know about the Holly Hunter-James Spader scene. My God, how was this NC-17 release not banned from theaters and burned by the conservative movement?

1. A History of Violence - We were hoping to find a frantic Hollywood sex scene that doesn't involve a man doing something violent to initiate sex, but gave up after several hours. (Just kidding-- you think we have that kind of time?) Seriously, please recommend a few movies where we can see women being portrayed as normal, sexual beings who can initiate sex without repercussions. In other words, no slasher films.

Honorable Mention: Love in the 21st Century

Sex Scene From The Show Love In The 21st Century

Also, we deliberately left out the Basic Instinct scene with Jeanne Tripplehorn because it's a borderline rape scene. So, for all of you who were about to write in to chide us for the oversight... "Ha! And you thought the ice pick death scene that opens the film would be here. This is somehow rougher... and Jeanne Tripplehorn is so much hotter than Sharon Stone, don't ya think? She has those incredible lips and an innocent Marilyn Monroe pout. We kind of wish she gets to do a movie where she leads the roughhousing and isn't sexually exploited like she is here. Okay?"

Related:

Top 5 Threesome Sex Scenes

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Horror Movies

Gwyneth Paltrow Saves Joaquin Phoenix's Career With Her Boobs

Anna Friel Has Been Getting Naked Since Before She Was Born

The Miramax Telethon: Has Anything Good Ever Won An Oscar?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 13:00:00 GMT

After The Wind That Shakes the Barely, Zodiac, and Roberto Benigni got robbed last night, it's time to vent about the Oscars, last night and over the years. The show is laughable enough, but looking back on movies that were ignored is far more embarrassing an exercise.

Here are our picks, besides the obvious snubs like Citizen Kane and The Hottie and the Nottie:

-John Travolta lost the 1995 Best Actor race to Tom Hanks. For Pulp Fiction and Forrest Fucking Gump, (dis)respectfully.

-Crash. The most pretentious piece of garbage ever nominated for an Oscar, this was about as realistic a film as the Amy Fisher sex tape, only with better nudity.

-The hottest bitch of all-time, Bette Davis, in All About Eve. Nope, she didn't win. Somebody named Judy Holliday won for Born Yesterday. Worse, there apparently was a Melanie Griffith remake that gave Holliday even more credibility. Ouch.

-The entire list of winners from 1998: let's have a redo, shall we?

-The list goes on and on: Rocky, the same year as Network; Al Gore For President at the '01 ceremony; any film that didn't get nominated in any category that A Few Good Men or Scent of a Woman were nominated in (that includes Pacino's); and that movie with that loser horse that gets mounted by Tobey Maguire and gets all excited and goes on to win a buttload of crazy races. That movie was fucking ace!

You cats should also check out Slate's rundown of all the crap made by actors after they've taken home Oscars.

Scanner Emily's Note to Self: Back That Sh*t Up!

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 14:21:00 GMT

You may have noticed my absence yesterday. Or maybe you didn't. Either way, not too long after posting Marry, Fuck or Kill, Scanner Caucus Edition, my computer screen got all sci-fi and blinky on me and then I got the blue screen of death. Maybe the Feds really were coming for me, trying to hit me where it hurts most. Or maybe I should have seen it coming for the last year when every time I opened my computer it sounded like a cement mixer and all the letters were worn off the keyboard. Needless to say, I spent the day worrying whether everything on it (including my book that's due in five days), none of which was backed up, could be recovered. Thanks to the wonderful people at Tekserve, my book and a few other important files were salvaged. Now I have a shiny new MacBook (yes, mere weeks before Apple releases a new laptop) and a whole lotta' debt. Point being: back that shit up (though I'm probably the only idiot who didn't).

P.S. I don't have Photoshop yet or there'd be a big ole' heart around that Tekserve logo.

"Crash" and the Other "Crash"

Emily Farris — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 17:49:00 GMT

A couple years ago, we were flipping channels with then-boyfriend and came upon "Crash." Thinking it was the film that had recently won all of the awards, we watched and watched and watched waiting for something really compelling and deep to happen. Also we were waiting for Matt Dillon to appear on screen. About halfway through, we realized we were watching soft porn and we were not going to see Matt Dillon that night. We might have realized this sooner had we not smoked so much pot. After a quick IMDB search we learned we were watching the nineties "Crash," in which Rosanna Arquette plays a disabled woman who gets hot over car accidents. We didn't watch the entire thing, but Heather Mills (who lost a leg in a motorcycle accident) did and she is "disgusted" by it.

In case you didn't know why any of this matters, Rosanna Arquette and Paul McCartney are an item, and these are the kinds of things you have to say 10 years after the fact when you're going through a messy public divorce. But you already knew that.

[Via PR-Inside.com]