Scanner : crazy

Mel Gibson's Mistress Begins the Obligatory Photo Leak Phase of Her Stardom

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Who is Oksana Pochepa and why is she, of all the women in Mel Gibson's life since his 28-year-long marriage began, the one to break up his happy union?

According to ShowBizSpy:

Oksana Pochepa claims that she had a romantic relationship with the 53-year-old actor and has now fallen in love.
“This is serious and I hope that our union will be real and strong and long-lasting,” she told British tabloid The Sun.
Pochepa also confirmed that she is the mystery brunette photographed kissing Gibson on a Costa Rican beach in March.
And according to Us Weekly, Gibson met Oksana last August when she was hired to compose a song for the actor’s upcoming thriller Edge of Darkness.

Wait, she's so big that American film producers asked her, a young Russian pinup, to compose a song for their major Hollywood blockbuster? Something's fishy about her story, and we won't know until either a) Mel Gibson breaks his silence or b) the men with butterfly nets take her off to a secret KGB warehouse for brainwashing. No?

By the way, based on these photos alone, would she be able to break up your marriage?

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Woman Handcuffs Husband to.... Talk?

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 15:36:00 GMT

Helen Sun just wanted to talk to her husband Robert Drawbaugh without him walking out mid-conversation. So she did what any reasonable person would do and changed the locks on the bedroom door and then handcuffed herself to him. This probably wouldn't have been the worst idea in the world until Drawbaugh reached for his cellphone and Sun did the only thing she could think of to do to get him to stop, considering they were handcuffed together and all.

She started biting him on his torso and arms. Drawbaugh was still able to dial 9-1-1. He told dispatchers he had woken up handcuffed and that his wife was holding him down. Apparently he screamed into the phone as Sun bit him.

So why did Sun want to talk in the first place? According to Drawbaugh he had divorced her after eight years of marriage, and she has a history of violence. Police had been called to the couple's house twice before—once on Valentine's Day last year and in December of 2007 when they were fighting about a Christmas tree.

And just yesterday we were told we'd get cheaper car insurance rates if we were married because "married people are more responsible." We told the insurance lady we should be rewarded for NOT getting married. And this kind of shit proves it.

[Yahoo: Police: Woman handcuffed self to husband, bit him]

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Thing #529 Not to F*ck: Sex Toy Attached To Power Tool

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:35:00 GMT

We almost passed on even reading about this bizarre story because we were 100% convinced that it was going to be completely retracted within minutes. But as the hours passed, we realized we were doing you a disservice by not burdening you with the salacious details...

Here are the unconfirmed details as they now stand:

A 27-year-old woman in Lexington Park, Maryland* was airlifted to an area hospital after severely injuring herself during a sex-romp-gone-wrong. According to the woman's boyfriend, he thought that, somehow, if he attached a dildo to a saber-saw blade, the dildo would hold and... have you stopped reading yet? We did.

All we'll say from this point forward is that the blade didn't cut through the dildo until the toy had already arrived at its intended destination. Luckily, the victim's (Soon-to-be-ex-) Boyfriend was able to dislodge the makeshift device in seconds and the woman is expected to recover, although perhaps not fully.

UPDATE: MSNBC confirms our unconfirmed details.

*By the way, why has Maryland been making a recent run at Florida for its title of the Craziest State in the Union?

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Woman Misses Her Flight, Proceeds to Freak the F*ck Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 15:43:00 GMT

I've had my fair share of public freak outs in my life. In fact, days before I left New York for Kansas City I lost my shit in the middle of the Port Authority Bus Terminal after I missed by bus and couldn't find anyone to help me then couldn't find the ticket counter then signs led me to a dead end. Luckily, a nice police officer saw me crying and helped get me on the right bus. The point of all of this is that I thought I was acting crazy. But I have nothing—and I mean nothing—on this woman who freaked the fuck out in the middle of the Hong Kong International Airport after she missed her flight. This video has been pretty popular on the Internets for the past few days, but if you haven't yet watched it, please do. I honestly can't watch more than about 30 seconds of it, but that's all I need to feel validated.

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Sloppy Seconds: Who's Not Allowed to Play With Paris?

Emily Farris — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 23:37:00 GMT

What were your favorite and least favorite Nerve essays of 2008? Orly? Then you should go vote for them. [Nerve]

Some of your favorite NPR personalities may soon be gone. Fucking economy. [Gawker]

Why did Perez Hilton have to ruin a perfectly beautiful picture of our future husband Ryan Gosling? [PerezHilton]

Perhaps in a cash crunch like the rest of us, Michael Jackson is selling the gates leading to Neverland Ranch and his infamous glitter glove from the "Billie Jean" video. [Yahoo!]

Speaking of gloves, er, coming off, Tom Cruise is going in for another interview with Matt Lauer. [Us]

Oprah fell off (or onto?) the food wagon, maxing out at 200 pounds. It's just more for us to love, Lady O. [People]

Prince William was invited to Paris Hilton's New Years Eve party, but his "elders at the palace" reportedly do not want him partying with her. [Radar]

[Image]

eHarmony, Let The Gays Begin!

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:46:00 GMT

eHarmony, the online matchmaking site that infamously rejected the gay community (and Scanner Emily) now begrudgingly offers their services to love-seeking homosexuals (but not Emily).

After numerous lawsuits, eHarmony will be forced to service gays and lesbians (zing!). The AP reports that this is, in particular, due to a 2005 settlement in a suit filed by Eric McKinley of New Jersey who demanded not to be subject to discrimination when he was prevented from joining the site because he was gay.

But eHarmony couldn't actually let the gays use their site. The company has created a new agency (We know, it’s all very “Separate but Equal”) so passionately titled, Compatible Partners (we were expecting eCacophony) will launch this March, just in time for Valentine’s Day to be long gone.

Jerks.

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Photo: The Consumerist

Sloppy Seconds: The Naked Lesbian Bubble Bath

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:36:00 GMT

Barbara Walters hit on-- oh God, make it stop-- Michael Phelps.

McCain continues to close in on Obama in the popular vote... at least according to CNN and other journalists desperate for an angle. Meanwhile, Obama is way ahead in the Electoral College. (By the way, don't miss this newly-resurfaced story from the Chicago Tribune, published in 2006, about the chances of an Obama Presidential bid... and the glorious response, in its comments section.)

The Strollerderby shattered a myth about your boobs... letting us know that a new study

disproves the popular conception that nursing results in sagging breasts - a condition technically known as breast ptosis.
The real causes of sagging breasts, according to the researchers, are far less noble: increased age, higher BMI, number of pregnancies, bigger pre-pregnancy cup size, and smoking.

JuicyCampus.com, a controversial gossip site, may be getting banned at Georgetown.

There was a "naked lesbian bubble bath" on America's Next Top Model last night. Of course, ANTM does not air on HBO, so nothing to see here, move along.

After all that, Denise Richards isn't being put out to pasture.

And that nutjob who carved the "B" (backwards!) into her own face and said Obama did it is going to join R.P. McMurphy and The Chief.

While You Were Sleeping: More Pregnant Celebrities

Top 10 Celebrity Moms Who Could Be Hookers

Men's Health Should Worry More About Men's Sanity

Sloppy Seconds: Phillies Fan Gives Her Team A Big Boost

And You Thought Swedish Women Only Made the News for Wearing Bikinis

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 18:12:00 GMT

These crazy Swedish twins don't even need to take their clothes off or have sex with each other to go wild...

The video of these two nut-jobs running maniacally into traffic three times is the most insane thing we've seen in a while. The ladies make Amy Winehouse look like Princess Di.

Sloppy Seconds: Are Lindsay and Sam Finally, Really Engaged?

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 21:37:00 GMT

Barack Obama will be back on Saturday Night Live. Dear God, please, please, please let him play Sarah Palin. Nude. [Us]

And apparently now that Obama is involved, SNL is a "cult" Comedy Show. Who knew? [Yahoo!]

It seems that recently-divorced Pink is the latest victim of Scientology. [Yeeeah]

Just one day after Kanye West's outburst with the paparazzi that led to his arrest, he would like you to know he's totes cool with the paps. [People]

How are the McCain's like a drag queen? Why they stuff the "bad" bits (read: adopted Bangladeshi daughter) away. We didn't even know they had an adopted Bangladeshi daughter, did you? [Queerty]

We agree; Us Weekly's list of the top 25 most stylish New Yorkers is whack. [MollyGood]

According to the ever-reputable New York Post, Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are as good as engaged. We better get an invite. We have a dress we've been dying to wear to a wedding. [NYP]

Scanner Roundtable: Let's Settle This Whole 9/11 Thing Once And For All...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:47:00 GMT

Willie Nelson is gearing up for a major concert announcement: he and a bunch of other old country and rocker dudes want to put together first, a show attacking the idea of war with Iran and second, to publicize the 9/11 Truth Movement.

This got us thinking: how many of our Scanner readers, you anonymous folks from all over the country (and beyond), think 9/11 involved bombs and explosions in the WTC Towers? And how many of you think the story is complete bullshit?

Fight it out in the comments. Feel free to link to videos, stories, and other stuff (no spam) you think helps your case...

And remember-- no personal attacks. Unless you're funny!

Old Woman Arrested For Linking McCain And Bush

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:57:00 GMT

Of course, she's not likely a supporter of both (or either), but Carol Kreck certainly hadn't done anything wrong when she reminded Bush supporters at a McCain event that the Senator is in many ways similar to the President.

The elderly lady, who had said nothing and done nothing except wait in line for John McCain's Town Hall (i.e. Preaching To The Choir) was escorted off the premises and ticketed for trespassing, which carries an automatic court date. In the following YouTube video, taped during the incident, she merely wonders why any Republican who supports McCain would be so "offended" by the association. After all, the two politicians support each other and agree on almost all of the same issues, so what's the big deal? (Okay, okay, we know-- McCain doesn't want to "equal" the unpopular President, he just wants to piggyback on the 26% of the country, and mainly conservatives, who still support Bush. Who's to say this woman wasn't a Bush supporter who wanted to remind other Bush supporters that McCain will be just as conservative? Yes, yes, we know that's silly, but not as silly as the police charging her with a crime, right?)

Here's the vid:

Via ThinkProgress

London Mayor May Have Looted Saddam's Deputy's House

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:54:00 GMT

London's new mayor, barely a few days in office, is already in trouble with Scotland Yard.

British police confirmed Tuesday they are examining an Iraqi cigar case belonging to London mayor Boris Johnson to determine whether it is a looted Iraqi artifact. Johnson says he handed over the case, which once belonged to Saddham Hussein's deputy...

Seems Boris Johnson, the wacky Conservative Mayor bringing his vast political experience as a TV host and journalist to run one of Europe's greatest cities, was at the ruined house of Tariq Aziz shortly after Baghdad fell in 2003 and discovered a cigar case there. Johnson now claims lawyers for the former deputy prime minister actually sent him a letter saying he should consider the looted treasure a "gift." Mmm hmm, a cigar case, you say? You won't bomb my home back to rubble again, right? Great, then take the damn case. Just take it!

In any case, this isn't enough of a cultural crime to warrant removal from office or even jail time, although as Johnson himself joked:

"Well, I suppose we should be grateful for one thing," he wrote in The Daily Telegraph. "It seems that a Western politician is finally going to pay the price for his involvement in the Iraq War."

Via AP.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a Nut Job with a Death Wish!

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:17:00 GMT

We were just discussing with our roommate that New York is a great place to live for the slightly strange, because you can have whatever life you want here. There are so many worlds in New York and all one has to do is find the right fit. For some that world exists in the city's sky scrapers. But the world was especially cruel to two nut jobs who were arrested after climbing the New York Times building yesterday. Yeah, Spidey-style.

Two men, one a practiced French stuntman known for climbing tall buildings, the other a New Yorker who said he wanted to raise awareness of the dangers of malaria, scaled the 52-story New York Times Building in Times Square on Thursday just hours apart. Each was arrested when he stepped safely onto the roof.

Alain Robert, a Frenchman known for climbing tall buildings, was met by officers at the roof. He had unfurled a banner protesting global warming.

Later in the day, a man identified by the police as Renaldo Clarke scaled the tower’s western side, where people on the 50th floor watched his ascent.

The first, Alain Robert, the Frenchman, went up the north face of the year-old skyscraper in the morning, unfurling a bright green banner near the top. The words on the banner were illegible from the sidewalk, but from office windows inside the tower the message could be clearly read: “Global warming kills more people than 9/11 every week.”

...Both climbers grabbed onto one of the building’s most distinctive features, the ladderlike horizontal rods that form an exterior curtain surrounding the floor-to-ceiling windows. And then, in turn, they were off on a hand-over-hand trip up the face of a New York skyscraper, with no ropes or harnesses, a trip that left the cellphone-camera-snapping crowds that swirled below thinking of Spider-Man, or maybe King Kong.

Don't you think the whole malaria awareness thing would have been more effective had the guy been dressed as a giant mosquito?

[New York Times: 2 Men Scale New York Times Building Hours Apart]

Lil Wayne Thinks the World Is Ending--Might Use This as an Excuse to Do More Drugs

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 20 May 2008 17:31:00 GMT

Saddled with some free time on the tour bus, Jeezy has been reading about the Mayan calendar and its prophecies. What has he learned?

"The world is about to end in 2012… ’cause the Mayans made calendars, and they stop at 2012," he tells Blender

Wayne, real name Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., went on to name signs of the world's demise, including the candidacy of Senator Barack Obama for President of the United States.

"The world is about to end as we know it. You can see it already. A planet doesn’t exist - there’s no more Pluto. Planes are flying into buildings - and not just the Twin Towers. Mosquitos bite you and you die. And a black man and a woman are running for president."

Touche, dude. Stay away from those mosquitos. Total killers.

Hillary and Barack: Now What The Hell Do We Do?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 18:00:00 GMT

You went from being up by 25% to winning by a Felliniesque 8.5% and you're telling us you can still win this?

Well, we in the media will play your game, then, since without the Democratic contest going all the way to August, we are totally devoid of ideas for news stories...

A look at the headlines this morning, which span the spectrum from the tabloid-batshit-crazy-desperate-to-keep-it-going to the scientific types who did their homework and find themselves shouted down.

To Clinton, big rebound proves "Yes, She Can" - USA Today

Hillary Raises $2.5 Million And Counting - MyDD

Clinton wins primary, keeping bid alive - International Herald Tribune

Elizabeth Edwards to campaign with Hillary in North Carolina - Fark, via Daily Kos

Students suspended for skipping school to meet Obama. - Yahoo!

Obama Camp: Clinton "just lost her last, best chance" - CNN

Obama shifting foucs from Clinton to McCain - New York Times

Times regretting Hillary endorsement - Gawker, via NYT

"Virtually impossible" for Clinton to win more delegates - Huffington Post

The real winner? John McCain - Time

We'd like to ask the Clinton supporters or anyone, really, if Pennyslvania means Clinton could still win this. What do you think?

Photo: New York Magazine

Ex-Scientologist: It's Time To Strike Back

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 17:40:00 GMT

“There seems to be a level of hypnosis or brainwashing or whatever you want to call it, and this training is a way of getting people hypnotized. And there’s a lot of patter that you’re constantly hearing that helps you get in that state,” he says.

Boys and girls, your homework is to check out the excruciating, unrelenting, and totally engrossing piece in the Village Voice about ex-Scientologist Jason Beghe, a B-list TV star who paid over one million dollars and was stuck inside the cult's black hole for twelve years. (Scanner Emily spoke of this individual just the other day, breaking the story in Sloppy Seconds.) The story, by Voice scribe Tony Ortega, is chock-full of gems like this one:

“Not one auditing session—which are supposed to be private—is not recorded on film,” he says, and claims that secret cameras are used at every session at the Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles, recording sessions that for Scientologists are supposed to be something like confessionals in the Catholic church.
“Will Smith is supposedly dabbling in Scientology. Let Will Smith know that his shit was fucking recorded. And tell him to look them in the eye and see if he believes it when they deny it.”

And the closer:

“Scientology seduces you into thinking that it’s a process through which you can truly become yourself. But ultimately, what it turns you into is a Scientologist—a brainwashed version of yourself.”

Fuck baseball, this is the stuff we should be having Congressional hearings on. Um, that is, if we have to have Congressional hearings when we can just try out that latest nukes on the Scientology compounds of this country.

Read the full story at the Village Voice site. You should also check out this great first-person narrative about invading the Church's headquarters in New York City.

Previously: Sloppy Seconds...

The Wall Street Journal Will Own The Onion Pretty Soon...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:10:00 GMT

The Wall Street Journal is being lampooned by a newspaper called, inventively enough, My Wall Street Journal. Although no humans actually read the paper being sent up, one individual apparently thinks the parody version is so damned good, he's buying up every copy he can find, possibly all 250,000.

And just who is this masked man? You mean you haven't figured it out?

His name is Rupert Murdoch. From the New York Times:

“This guy comes by all the time to bring promotional stuff for The Wall Street Journal — bags, coin trays, stickers,” Mr. Laurence said.

Sure enough, they found what he was looking for. “He grabbed them all, said, ‘I need to buy all of these,’ ” Mr. Laurence said. “He had been going around to different stands, buying them.”

Wait, wasn't there some movie where a dangerous right-wing smear artist of a newspaperman tried to buy up all existing copies of a cultural landmark and burn them in effigy or, maybe, to just burn them into nonexistence? Wait, that wasn't a movie. That was what almost happened to fucking Citizen Kane, yo.

What's next? An Onion headline that says "Onion To Become Part of Murdoch World Takeover Bid"? And not be a joke?

Link via Huffington Post. Be warned: frightening nude portrait of Ann Coulter on that page!

Doctors Remove a Woman's Appendix Through Her Vagina, For Real

Emily Farris — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:07:00 GMT

Full story here.

The Worst Painting In American History

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 16:50:00 GMT

No, not the above. That's just a live camera feed from Ron Paul headquarters. The worst painting in American history, at least in my humble opinion, is a limited edition "artwork" done in the Republican candidate's honor by one of his crazy supporters (sorry for the redundancy.)

And here it is:

We hate to steal text straight from a website, but Awful Link of the Day puts it brilliantly:

In this painting, we can see that the transvestite mercenary is scratching her balls, to further exemplify the audacity of making a shitty kilt from Old Glory with her prison shiv (which is attached to her right thigh). She is furious that Big Government put that ugly metal clamp on her forehead while in prison, and wants the sweet revenge that only the 2nd Amendment can give. The sign that warns Trolls to stay away is a stark contrast to Libertyland's Weed Trees, which stand behind this well armed shemale & a bridge over troubled oil. The Goat represents Liberty: it has no legs to stand on & gets in the way of the Weed Trees. This painting will cost you $1,250/

For more genius comments, visit Something Awful.

Britney Spears, Hospitalized for "Tests"

Emily Farris — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Police were called to Britney Spears' home last night. Apparently she did not want to turn the boys over to K-Fed's bodyguards, which led to a four hour domestic dispute. Brit must have been in quite a state because she was rolled out on a stretcher and taken to Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Doctors are still deciding whether they'll hold her for a 72-hour psychological evaluation.

We wonder what kind of tests they run during this evaluation. The syph makes you crazy.

Yahoo!: Spears taken to LA hospital after custody standoff

P.S. Stay tuned for the results of "Who Would You Rather? Train Wreck Edition: Amy Winehouse vs. Britney Spears." They'll be posted around 4.