Scanner : crazy people

Italy's Woman of the Year Acting the Part of the Crazed Sex Fiend in Court

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 20:28:00 GMT

Is Amanda Knox putting on a Crazy Person act to get away with murder only a Crazy Person could commit?

Italy's Trial of the Century pits Washington State college student Knox against an Italian prosecution that just doesn't know what to make of this loony American. (Yes, we do make them loonier here-- just be grateful she's not from Florida.) They've had to put up with all manner of antics, including the above-pictured shirt (on Valentine's Day, no less), kissing her co-defendant, and discussing her pink rabbit vibrator in open court...

Knox, 21, is accused of murdering her British roommate after a sex game went wrong-- or, some say, she planned it all along and joked about it being a thrill killing afterward. Her DNA (and the victim's) were found on a knife that may have been the murder weapon. Here's the rundown on how she's handled the early part of the trial so far:

-casually discussing the trial with an interpreter during recesses as if facing a misdemeanor charge instead of allegations of a brutal sex game slaying and coverup
-the All You Need Is Love t-shirt. A t-shirt to a trial? Either you are indeed a crazy person or you grew up in Florida

-walking "like a Hollywood diva sashaying along the red carpet" (says the Daily Mail)
-while awaiting interrogation after the murder, she occupied herself by working out, doing cartwheels, stretches, and splits in the police station
-her accomplice/boyfriend made out with her and she giggled and stuck her tongue out at him when they were later separated
-and one that wasn't really her fault: she had to answer questions in court about the pink rabbit-shaped vibe police discovered in her apartment. She giggled and said it was a gag gift from a friend. [Seattle Times]

One criminologist tells the Seattle Times that Knox's silliness could be a defense mechanism in reaction to her own pain and suffering. While we have seen that kind of thing before, usually the person in question is at least nervous, afraid, or mildly upset at some point...

Either way, things don't look promising for Italy's 2008 Woman of the Year.

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Crazy Husband Lady Left Lonely

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 20:56:00 GMT

There sure are a lot of women out there making us feel better about being on the not-so-long road to Crazy Cat Ladydom. First, it was the Crazy Baby Lady and now—possibly less offensive but just as insane—is the Crazy Husband Lady, Linda Wolfe (not that she's always been Mrs. Wolfe).

The 68-year-old Indiana resident has been Mrs. Scott, Mrs. Street, Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Berisford, Mrs. Chandler, Mrs. Essex, Mrs. Moyer, Mrs. Massie, and Mrs. McMillian, among many other names.

"It's easy to sum up," she said of her life. "When I was younger I was just a snot-nosed kid, but the neighborhood boys were all in love with me. They all wanted to marry me."

But after 23 husbands (two gay, two homeless and more than a few who cheated on her—but she never cheated on them!), Mrs. Linda Wolfe is lonely. She has been single for twelve years.

"I would get married again," she said, "because, you know, it gets lonely."

The weirdest part of all of this (to us, at least) is that with every marriage she changed her name! You'd think she might have wised up after the first few.

[Sun Times: Hoosier woman lonely after 23 marriages]

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Woman Misses Her Flight, Proceeds to Freak the F*ck Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 15:43:00 GMT

I've had my fair share of public freak outs in my life. In fact, days before I left New York for Kansas City I lost my shit in the middle of the Port Authority Bus Terminal after I missed by bus and couldn't find anyone to help me then couldn't find the ticket counter then signs led me to a dead end. Luckily, a nice police officer saw me crying and helped get me on the right bus. The point of all of this is that I thought I was acting crazy. But I have nothing—and I mean nothing—on this woman who freaked the fuck out in the middle of the Hong Kong International Airport after she missed her flight. This video has been pretty popular on the Internets for the past few days, but if you haven't yet watched it, please do. I honestly can't watch more than about 30 seconds of it, but that's all I need to feel validated.

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Happy Friday the 13th, Fraidy Cats

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Hey, it's Paraskavedekatriaphobia Day everybody! Did you watch out for black cats (isn't that terribly racist?), avoid crossing under ladders (as if there's even an opportunity for that in today's paranoid construction job), and, honestly, who opens umbrellas in the house anyway? Don't you wait until you step out of the doorway so the umbrella doesn't get caught inside?

Seriously, though, have you ever wondered why the number 13 is such a big deal and why a Friday the 13th means a damn thing besides "bad Halloween ripoff?"

Wikipedia, of course, provides the annotated and also impossible-to-skim answers. We'll summarize it for you below:

1) The fear of a Friday that falls on the 13 is a phobia. That really long word up there is the name of that phobia. We'll just call it The Fear for our purposes here.

2) Honestly, no one really knows why The Fear is The Fear. The first known reference to The Fear was made in an 1869 biography of some guy named Gioachino Rossini.

3) "One theory states that it is a modern amalgamation of two older superstitions: that thirteen is an unlucky number and that Friday is an unlucky day." That settles it for us, but you can read on.

4) Another interesting note: "According to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina, an estimated 17 to 21 million [crazy] people in the United States are affected by a fear of this day. Some people are so paralyzed by fear that they avoid their normal routines in doing business, taking flights or even getting out of bed. "It's been estimated that$800 or $900 million is lost in business on this day." Despite this, representatives for both Delta and Continental Airlines say that their airlines don't suffer from any noticeable drop in travel on those Fridays."

Via Wikipedia.

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While You Were Sleeping: Woody And the Scarlett-Penelope Makeout Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

How does a man "accidentally" castrate himself and flush his own penis down the toilet?

Robin Quivers has some diet tips for you that sound similar to everything else you've heard, except they worked for her.

It's nice to see that Etta James is as crazy as we remember her from a 2008 concert.

Are you an ex-masturbator? We are-- although only from this moment until the moment after this post is complete.

Don't miss John Cleese on Jimmy Kimmel.

Barry Bonds plead not guilty to charges of perjury. Does this guy ever stop lying?

Joe Satriani won't have his goons stalk Coldplay at the Grammy's.

Michael Phelps has been suspended from swimming and lost his Corn Flakes deal. So what?

And Woody Allen wasn't even there to witness Scarlett and Penelope make out. Huh? What kind of director misses that scene?

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Russian Recession Roast is One Piece of Meat We'll Not Eat

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:59:00 GMT

Two 19-year-old Russian men—Yuri Mozhnov, a florist, and Maxim Golovatskhikh, a street-market butcher and one-time psychiatric patient—were arrested after they enjoyed a simple pot roast of potatoes and 16-year-old girl.

The men are suspected of drowning the girl—an acquaintance—cutting her body up into pieces, roasting some of it (with potatoes!) and disposing of the rest around their city.

Parts of what police believe is the girl's body have been found scattered in plastic bags.

So why'd they do it?

"The arrestees said they ate the girl's body parts because they were hungry," said Sergei Kapitonov, a spokesman for the city's prosecutors.

[Telegraph: Russian men 'cooked and ate' teenage girl]

Gay Cannibal Becomes Prison Chef

[Image]

Ninja Hauler, The Most Entertaining Craig's List Post... Ever?

Scanner Matt — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 23:33:00 GMT

Once in a while we publish an amusing listing on Craig's list, but this insane, inane, aggressive drivel might be one of our all time favorites. Here's a taste, "It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun."

NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)

Reply to: sale-926508578@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2008-11-19, 10:04PM MST OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly. It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop. This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is). No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once. It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man. My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore. There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo. Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash. To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants. Rock on. Location: Ronan / Lake County

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Moms Scaring Us By Taking Fake Babies Out For Walks, Meals

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:13:00 GMT

ABC 7 News in Washington, DC has the explosive story: crazed, desperate, disturbed kooky women of a certain age are buying overpriced dolls that burp and sleep and look cute in pink booties and taking the babes around town, pretending they're real...

And it gets better.

Many people like to stop and play with newborn babies, but now some adult women are playing house with fake babies.

Some women are even going as far as taking day trips with the fake babies to the park, out to eat, and even hosting birthday parties for them.

Forty-nine-year-old Linda is married with no children of her own. Now, she says she feels like a mother because she has Reborns -- dolls made to look and feel like the real thing.
"It's not a crazy habit, like, you know, drinking, or some sort of, something that's going to hurt you. It's like a hobby.and it doesn't really hurt anybody," Linda said.

We'll take odds that your husband is thrilled you've found a hobby and that you've chosen this gem.We have to wonder what Linda says when the waiter asks why the baby hasn't moved in thirty-five minutes or tries to touch its little fingers: "Oh, actually, it's not real. I just carry it around because..." Because?

These women are paying big bucks for this hobby, from $100 to a few thousand dollars.

A few thousand dollars?! For a doll. You could always, you know, adopt a starving orphan or something insane like that...

In her Kansas City home, Moore even has an elaborate room for the dolls. She organizes birthday parties, bakes a cake and even invites guests.

Psychologists say there could be a problem if and when these women stop interacting socially with others in their life.

That last line will sustain as the understatement of 2009, mark our words. By the way, Scanner Emily, did you catch that? Lock your doors and load up your AR-15 assault rifle...

Via ABC.

While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:01:00 GMT

Check out this fake police I.D. card a man made for himself. You'll note he didn't completely paint over Chipotle's logo...

Mindy McCready capped off a horrible year with a visit to the psych ward following a suicide attempt. Let's hope the new year presents her with a clean slate.

Here's a great robbery story: a guy demanded money from a cashier at a fast food joint. The cashier laughed and said, "Get a job." The guy then pulled a box cutter and asked for the cashier's wallet, a request that was granted. The cashier had no money either, so they robber left and was quickly arrested.

There is mounting left-wing opposition to Obama's choice of Rick Warren to kick off the inauguration. We think Stevie Wonder would make a great substitute preacher.

By the way, if you just got accepted into Northwestern, you might want to read this. (Same for those who got rejected.)

A man went for a joyride with a hearse. The hearse was idling in front of a funeral home, the sick fuck.

Lindsay Lohan had a close call with a crazy. And no, her father didn't show up at her party or anything.

And it looks like the stripping video game for the Wii is on hold. Yeah, they might need to find a developer before they start, um, developing that...

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Blow People Away in Your PJ's

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 19:10:00 GMT

Do you hate having to put on a robe to cross the room and get your shotgun? Well, with The Back-Up bedside gun rack, you'll never have to waste those precious seconds fumbling for your shottie because it will be right where it belongs--next to your bed, easily concealed by blankets and bedding.

Don't believe us? Watch the commercial for what appears to be a totally real and completely insane celebration of the Second Amendment.

[via The Morning News]

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy McCain Volunteer Was Not Marked With a "B" (At Least Not by an Obama Supporter)

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 21:34:00 GMT

Fans of Maya Rudolph and Michelle Obama: your political comedy wet dream just came true. [Vulture]

A 23-year-old man died during an eating contest. [SNAFU-ed]

Guy Ritchie has been hitting the town with Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. We can't wait to see what kind-of trouble these three get into. [Us]

George Bush's former press secretary and fame whore Scott McClellan is publicly supporting Barack Obama. [Yahoo!]

Earlier this week a woman claims she was attacked by an Obama supporter for having a McCain sticker on her car. She said the man carved the letter "B" into her face with a knife. Now, she admits, the story is completely false. [KDKA]

Swedish Hockey Fans Bombard Player With Dildo Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:01:00 GMT

And you thought Boston Bruins fans were brutal.

This 34-year-old Swedish hockey star now has another reason to regret the release of his own sex tape: opposing teams capitalizing on it and bombarding him with one of the tape's most prominent props...

The rundown: After player Jan Hukko had his cell phone stolen, a sex tape which had been on the phone's memory was uploaded to the internet. Then Hukko returned to play a game against his former team, AIK... and things took a bizarre turn, according to The Local:

Ahead of Tuesday’s match against Leksand, the website for AIK’s unofficial supporter group had instructed fans to bring dildos to the match to remind Huokko of the sex scandal which plagued him earlier in the year, according to the Expressen newspaper.

But back in June, Huokko’s reputation for “scoring” took on a different twist when a sexually-charged video clip featuring the 34-year-old blueliner and his girlfriend ended up on the internet.

These photos from the event say it all: dildos thrown on the ice, a giant inflatable penis (ah, we've seen bigger), and a nasty banner met Hukko upon arrival.

Big surprise: Hukko's team lost the game, 3-2.

Via The Local.

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Dog Fur Sweater Will Keep You and the Voices in Your Head Warm This Fall

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 14:08:00 GMT

This is some serious shit right here. These ladies are not messing around. They saved dog hair from their dogs for seven years and sent it to Doume Jalat-Dehen so that she could make a very boxy sweater out of it. This is love to an extent you will probably never experience in your life. It is also crazy to a degree that terrifies us.

More examples of the passion and the pain after the jump.

Wonder if the dog recognizes itself...

Crazy Woman In Chicago Stabs Boyfriend To Death For Stealing Her Beer

Ina Maier — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 14:43:00 GMT

There are plenty of reasons to be pissed at someone who steals your beer, and plenty of other ways to get back at them. That said, we're pretty sure that stabbing them to death is a slight over-reaction.

Regina Williams, 55, of Chicago's West Side, has been accused of stabbing her boyfriend to death for doing the unthinkable - which is to say: he drank her beer.

About 6 p.m. Wednesday, the two were sitting in Anderson's car outside his home when Williams became angry that he was drinking her beer, authorities said. They began to quarrel, and Williams allegedly pulled a knife she carried for protection and began stabbing Anderson.

Uh, that seems like a justifiable reaction. NOT! (Side Note: When was the last time you used the total bait n' switch phrase of "Not!" Because we certainly can't remember and can't help but wonder why it's been so long...) But don't worry it gets worse:

Afterward, Williams got out of the car and called down the street to Anderson's nephew, saying, "You better come get your uncle—I just killed him," according to her arrest report.

Yup, she made the victim's nephew come deal with her crazy work. What could she possibly have had to do that prevented her from calling 9-1-1 herself? Well, the Assistant State attorney reports that afterwards "Williams got back in the vehicle and finished drinking her beer."

At least the lady's got her priorities straight.

(Disclaimer: We feel kind of bad for making fun of her, since Williams apparently "has a history of mental illness," but seriously: that shit is insane.)

[via Chicago Tribune]

Update To Creepy Canadian Decapitation: Suspect Identified!

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Reason #467 Why We Love Librarians: "Uncle Bobby's Wedding"

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 17:13:00 GMT

We have said it before, and we'll say it over and over again. We're so hot for librarians. We had a burst of bibliophilia this afternoon while reading librarian Jamie Larue's explanation of why the children's book Uncle Bobby's Wedding by Sarah Brannen belongs on public library shelves.

Uncle Bobby's Wedding is, as you'd expect, about a gay wedding. And as you'd expect, that's where all the trouble begins. The book teaches kids that gay weddings are no big deal. Some lady, as you'd expect, flipped the fuck out after he kid read this book and demanded it be removed from the library or at least quarantined in a section "labeled for parental guidance."

If we'd had to deal with this woman, we'd have been all: bitch, relax and stop telling people what they can and cannot read. But Jamie Larue is too classy to resort to pettiness or name-calling. He is so classy he has penned a lengthy and air tight response to this woman's objection. We read the whole thing. We beamed.

Here's a particularly thrilling excerpt:

You feel that a book about gay marriage is inappropriate for young children. But another book in our collection, “Daddy's Roommate,” was requested by a mother whose husband left her, and their young son, for another man. She was looking for a way to begin talking about this with son. Another book, “Alfie's Home,” was purchased at the request of another mother looking for a way to talk about the suspected homosexuality of her young son from a Christian perspective. There are gay parents in Douglas County, right now, who also pay taxes, and also look for materials to support their views. We don't have very many books on this topic, but we do have a handful.

In short, most of the books we have are designed not to interfere with parents' notions of how to raise their children, but to support them. But not every parent is looking for the same thing.

Jamie Larue, you are hotness incarnate. An inspiration even.

Oklahoma Sheriff Makes Nazi Wardens Look Like Pansies

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:20:00 GMT

"Custer County Sheriff Mike Burgess resigned Wednesday just as state prosecutors filed 35 felony charges against him, including 14 counts of second-degree rape, seven counts of forcible oral sodomy and five counts of bribery by a public official."

This guy makes working for Halliburton sound suddenly much less frightening. The full story of his escapades, including "A Girls Gone Wild"-style boob-flashing competition...

1) Told one inmate he'd turn her over to the Federalies (George Carlin's least favorite word) if she did not let him do her.

2) Burgess received a blow job from a woman who wanted a cushy trustee gig in prison, then later fired her from the position after she wouldn't go downtown anymore.

3) "Burgess is accused of having sex with a female drug court participant who was in his custody. The crimes are to have occurred between October 2005 and April 2007." Why is this taking so long to come out? Oh, right, they're all snitches who want lighter sentences-- everyone's jumping on the Burgess-bashing bandwagon.

4) "The lawsuit, filed by 12 former inmates, alleges the sheriff's employees had them engage in wet T-shirt contests and offered cigarettes to those who would flash their breasts." We take that back-- Oklahoma's prison system is a way more place to work than Baghdad.

5) Burgess "faces two counts each of sexual battery, rape by instrumentation and subornation of perjury, and one count each of engaging in a pattern of criminal offenses, indecent exposure and kidnapping." He's looking at a maximum sentence of 467 years, although you know he won't last a year as someone's Bitch.

Via CBS News.

Previously: Calling Mr. Mosley...