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This Week in Gayness: McDonald's Hates Gays... Again

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:45:00 GMT

Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke just gave us another reason to hate his awful company-- he signed a petition to ban gay adoptions in Arkansas.

A gay porn star attending college has received a reported 150 hate e-mails from so-called "good Christians."

Bigots like Rick Warren and Sarah Palin are among Time's 100 Most Influential People.

Moron Republican Congressman Steve King thinks gays wouldn't get "bashed" so much if they just stopped acting so gay (never mind that many hate crime victims are straight people mistaken for homosexuals.) Jon Stewart, thankfully, had something to say about this.

Kudos to Britain for banning hatemonger and violence-inciting shout machine Michael Savage from entering their country ever again.

A McDonald's in Kentucky settled with two patrons who were called "faggots" by restaurant staff.

By the way, we heard that the Democratic Governor of New Hampshire might veto the gay marriage bill. Anyone else heard this?

The most trusted Mom(s) in America? Portia and Ellen:

With 31%, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi took the top spot. Rounding out the list were Jennifer Aniston (22%), Rachel Ray (20%), Angelina and Brad (18%) and coming in last was Oprah Winfrey with 9%. [Strollerderby]

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This Week in Gayness: Men's Magazines

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

This Week in Gayness: Gay Conversions Under Attack

You Can Take the Boy Out of Chelsea...

The Gaythering Storm Against Anti-Gay Organization NOM

While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama In Big Trouble

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:04:00 GMT

Scanners Brian, Emily, and Colleen were at the Bust Party at SXSW last night, during which Dinosaur, Jr. made a surprise appearance. Needless to say, blogging will be slow this morning, with more activity later on...

The man himself-- Bruce Springsteen-- did The Daily Show.

This guy didn't realize everyone on the train he was supposed to be operating could see his penis.

Unfortunately, most of the spectators probably enjoyed this "catfight," in which boobs were bared.

We missed out on the news that PETA celebrated St. Patrick's Day in their own special way.

We heard about the topless bar in Austin that was busted for featuring a sixteen-year-old girl.

Seth Rogen calls his own back hair "glorious."

Barack Obama needs to stop making jokes. About anyone and anything-- it's making him sound more out of touch than Al Gore.

And right-wing crazies at WorldNet Daily believe teens are drinking poison to induce abortions. What do you think?

Simpsons Trying to Be All Hip Again, Gets All Change-y

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:45:00 GMT

With last year's episode in which Homer tries to vote Democrat and has his machine insist on switching his vote, The Simpsons carried a biting political message four years too late. Now, as The Daily Show, Colbert Report, and even Saturday Night Live steal the Biting and Relevant Comedy mantle from Matt Groening, the show's producers have tried a new opening title sequence to celebrate their first episode in high definition.

What do you think? Is the Simpsons still a great show?

Related:

Beware Of Blowfish Balls

Jon Stewart Talks Rupert Murdoch, Calls Him Boring, A "14-Year-Old Girl"

Scanner Matt — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 19:12:00 GMT

We haven't showed a Daily Show clip in a while, so what the hell. Here's Stewart chatting about the new Rupert Murdoch biography and how unimpressed he is with the infamous media tyrant, who is angling to go down (with the newspaper) as the last great newspaper man.

Biographer Michael Wolff still seems residually starstruck by the subject of his nonfiction narrative and calls Murdoch the most powerful man on the planet.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Michael Wolff

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Best Naked Music Video of the Year

Is Canada Falling Apart? When In Doubt, Ask Jon Stewart

Top 10 Celebrity Twitterers

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:31:00 GMT

This Top 10 list from TV Squad misses what would easily be our #1: a B-list celebrity who Tweets like a bad Vanity Fair parody... only hilarious.

Wendy Atterbery of Modern Materialist (and now, mainly, of the Frisky) let us in on a little secret on our blog: the best celebrity Twit is a basketball player not know for his Yogisms, which often get him into heaps of trouble. Here's TV Squad's list, plus a new #1...

1. John Hodgman [don't forget, TV Squad, he's also a tremendously funny bestselling author]

2. Wil Wheaton [don't forget, TV Squad, he was also in Stand By Me and on Star Trek: The Next Generation.]

3. Stephen Fry "The British actor, author and Twitterholic is a must-follow who cleverly interacts with his online fans. Fry, who once played Oscar Wilde in a movie, recently inspired his followers to make up phony Wilde quotes to post on the web. (Check out the results.)"

4. Felicia Day

5. Greg Grunberg [of Heroes-- man, NBC'll do anything to boost their ratings]

6. Brea Grant

7. Penn Jillette

8. John Cleese [we might actually start using our Twitter account again just to follow this guy. We're not sure he is, but we think we saw him in his tighty-whities in A Fish Called Wanda or somethin'.]

9. David Hewlett

10. The Karate Kid's Sensei John Kreese (aka Paul Scheer) [TV Squad claims Human Giant's Scheer is Tweeting as the villainous sensei from The Karate Kid. We hope it's the guy who played Kreese, still in character.]

And our #1? Shaquille O'Neill!

"B kinder than necessary because everyone u meet is fighting some kind of battle -- Shaquille oneal" and "The best way to secure happiness is 2 b az happy as u can everyday -- Shaquille oneal." Always just like that -- with his full name attached at the end (and also the creative spelling), like he's ready to be included on every list of best celeb quotes ever (and he should!).

Now, Wendy's started incorporating Shaq-isms into her private life with her boyfriend:

[We] like to end basically every sentence we utter to each other with our full names. I'll say, "I saved some dinner for you -- it's in the fridge. -- Wendy Atterberry" and he'll follow up with "Thanks that was nice of you. -- Andrew [Redacted]." And then I'll say, "Well, it's important in times of stress to make sure you eat right. --Wendy Atterberry." And then we laugh for, like, half an hour.

UPDATE: TV Squad missed MC Hammer! How could they? We checked out his account and, below, you'll find our favorite tweets (assuming he's real and actually responding to fan Tweets):

"man... flat tire !!!!
"Yes.....the weather is way different these days... global warming for real ! and I'm in Tracy !!!
"Thanks....glad you like http://mchammer.com/ the concept is to play Hammertime Radio (listen to songs) and read the streams..
"Now focus... you better than that... I know you playing..
"if you see yourself "robbing the bank" as you said...make sure you see yourself dead or in jail...real talk... "darkness is no joke"

Real talk... in Hammertime.

Via TV Squad and City Wendy.

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Rod Blagojevich On The Daily Show: "I'm Positive [I'm Not Gay]!"

Ina Maier — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 20:27:00 GMT

You may not be able to pronounce his name, but you all know who he is. (And for those who don't, he's the guy who tried to sell Obama's senate seat.) What you don't know, however, is that the now infamous Gov. of Illinois once appeared on The Daily Show, waaaaaay back in 2006...

The topic of conversation? The morning-after pill! And pharmacists who refuse to fill it. Also: Arnold Schwarzenegger's hit autobiographical documentary Pumping Iron, whether he (Blagojevich) is gay, and, well, oxycontin!

I recommend watching the whole thing, but you can find the good parts (and all of the above) at 1:53, 4:00, and 5:10.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Pill of Rights

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

You can thank me later. Or, you know, just in the comments below.

Governor of Illinois Arrested Over Obama Senate Appointment... And That's Not Even the Weirdest Story

Is Canada Falling Apart? When In Doubt, Ask Jon Stewart

RIP Newspapers

Is Canada Falling Apart? When In Doubt, Ask Jon Stewart

Ina Maier — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 21:26:00 GMT

As the resident Canadian, I feel obligated to both comment on the situation that's (strange)brewing in the Great White land of your Northern neighbors. However, as I'm only mildly ashamed to admit, I have no idea what I'm talking about.(Apparently, someone is staging a coup! Or so says one response to my desperate Facebook status plea for an explanation.)

And so, in lieu of feigning any understanding of my homeland's politics, I'm going to leave both of those obligations to Jon Stewart. His thoughts -- which include some Clinton zingers and Queen Elizabeth's corgis -- and shockingly clear explanation, after the jump...

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Provinces in Peril - Indecision Oh-Eh?

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Well, there you have it. My country is now a monarchy.

In the News: The Tickler Arrested, Canada's Sex Party Sues

The 15 Most Promiscuous Countries

CBC Apologizes for Calling Sarah Palin a "Porn Star"

While You Were Sleeping: More Pregnant Celebrities

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin, and Meryl Streep. Is there any way this cast could kick more ass?

Married and awesome Daily Show correspondents Jason Jones and Samantha Bee are working on a show for CBS. Oh no-- does this mean we'll never see them again?

Guess which show has become such a phenomenon it's getting a Jeopardy! category all to itself...?

On Friday, October 17, Jeopardy! will have an entire Mad Men category of questions. To tide you over until then, Jeopardy! and Mad Men Mad Men-themed online version of the game! have teamed up to create an entire [Jezebel]

Dennis Hopper, a longtime Republican, endorsed Barack Obama.

M.I.A. and Jamie Lynn Spears are pregnant, while Victoria Beckham denies it. It's that time of year, apparently.

If you see a celebrity in the supermarket, please don't try to impress them by making obscure references that could be mistaken for faint praise. Especially if Edward Norton is that celebrity.

Hurry up if you want Ringo Starr's autograph. Ever.

While You Were Sleeping: Leighton Meester's Jail Story

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant. Again. (Allegedly.) Probably.

Woman Auctions Off Night of Sex, Gets Pregnant by Anonymous

John Hodgman Has Great Taste In Women

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 16:54:00 GMT

We've known John Hodgman since the old days, the pre-Daily Show, pre-PC guy in the Mac-PC commercials, even pre "The Areas of My Expertise," his bestselling fake almanac. Now he's back with another apparent classic, "More Information Than You Require," which will hilariously live up to its title, we're sure.

This month, he served as Glamour's love advice columnist (how loveably nerdtastic of them-- our hopes for humanity have been elevated)... discussing marriage, asking guys out, ethical dilemmas, and, of course, hot airline pilots...

Here's a taste:

Q: I'm an airline pilot, which means I'm around lots of men. The problem? It's tough to flirt and still be seen as a professional in my industry.

A: You have overlooked an important fact, which is that you are a female pilot, and thus automatically 1,000 percent hotter than most women. Therefore, I'd say the problem is not your job, but the fact that you're looking for love with a colleague, a move often fraught with ethical dilemmas and hardly ever worth it. Instead of checking out coworkers, the next time you spot a cute passenger, ask him out over the loudspeaker after you announce the altitude. This always works. Trust me.

Q: I haven't had a boyfriend in years! Got any advice on grabbing male attention?

A: Have you considered becoming a pilot?

You can check out the rest here. His book, which includes a chapter entitled HOW TO BECOME A MINOR TELEVISION PERSONALITY, is available via this link.

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To Buy or Not to Buy: The iPhone

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Top 5 Sexiest Daily Show Moments

Top 10 Celebrities Who Are Probably Cool In Real Life

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 19:21:00 GMT

Feel free to weigh in and add your own... especially if you can correct (or add) based on personal experience...

10. Neil Young-- because of-- or in spite of-- the fact that he is obsessed with model trains

9. Heidi Klum-- showing us her ass bruise yesterday is what got us thinking about this list in the first place

8. Anthony Bourdain-- the only man who works in a kitchen that we probably couldn't take in a fight... but he wouldn't start one with us... because he's cool like that

7. Simon Cowell-- once he steps out of character, he might be a pretty good wingman... same with Ryan Seacrest (just kidding!)

6. Elvis Costello-- if you've seen him in concert recently, you know he still has the same energy and kickass attitude that seemed so fresh in 1976

5. Bill Clinton-- unless, of course, you have a busty blond with you, hanging out with Bill Clinton is rumored to be a great time, where dirty jokes are always welcome... as long as they don't involve "interns"

4. David Bowie-- then again, David Bowie could sneer at us and it would kind of awesome

3. Wanda Sykes-- now here's somebody who you actually wouldn't mind it if she were "on" all the damn time

2. The dudes from Flight of the Conchords

1. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (tie)-- this we know from reliably sources... and, because, if they weren't cool in real life, it would break out poor widdle liberal hearts...

Also, a good way to tell if a celebrity might be an all right person in real life is to scan through this page of stories from waiters all over the country. They weight on whether a celebrity was a great tipper (Bill Murray, Joe Pesci, Stevie Nicks) or one who ordered "many bottles of wine" and still stiffed the help (Don Henley, big surprise.)

Related:

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John Mayer And TMZ Make A Funny Video: "Do You Love Celebrities? I Sure Have."

What Celebrities Would Look Like if They Moved to Missouri

11 Celebrities at Their Poignantly Drunkest

Sloppy Seconds: Woman Who Delivered Baby In Car For VP?

While You Were Sleeping: Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

While You Were Sleeping: Olympic Mania

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 15:09:00 GMT

10:41am: With Hurricane Gustav threatening the Gulf Coast, and New Orleans likely to escape a second major disaster, we're here in Minneapolis, where the Republicans are debating the best way to neutralize reminders of Katrina.

Today is a day off, thanks to Gustav (which some are calling "The Revenge of New Orleans," as in "on the Republicans") while driving through the community colleges looking for bags of cocaine and fat young boys...

Here are some of the rumors we've heard so far from senior McCain staffers, journalists, and local prostitutes:

-Local police raided a house where a few dozen anarchists were holed up, scuttling their terroristic plans to throw urine on delegates and "injure police officers." Seriously. Does anyone actually think this nonsense is going to hold up in court?

-Because there's nothing going on at the convention tonight (everything's canceled out of respect to the possible victims of Gustav), secret underground parties are springing up all over the city. Meanwhile, protesters are not taking a day off, even for Labor Day. They'll be passing by the convention en masse around 1pm Minneapolis time...

-Tomorrow we'll be attending: The Future Leaders Of The GOP Amtrak Train Drinking Party, Sponsored By Patron (you think we're kidding-- this is a real event) and Financial Football: A Day With The Minnesota Viking's Rookie Of The Year Running Back. Shoot us now, please...

We'll be updating this post throughout the day... rumors, lies, and insults always welcome at scanner@nerve.com and check back here for more at http://dailyscanner.com.

Video of the Day: W., the Oliver Stone Film

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:45:00 GMT

About how much of this movie do you think will be historically accurate?

It's directed by Oliver Stone and stars (famous liberals) such as:

Josh Brolin	...	George W. Bush
Elizabeth Banks	...	Laura Bush
Ioan Gruffudd	...	Tony Blair
Thandie Newton	...	Condoleezza Rice
Ellen Burstyn	...	Barbara Bush
Jeffrey Wright	...	General Colin Powell
Richard Dreyfuss	...	Dick Cheney
James Cromwell	...	George Herbert Walker Bush
Scott Glenn	...	Donald Rumsfeld
Jesse Bradford	...	W's college friend
Noah Wyle	...	Don Evans (rumored)
Jason Ritter	...	Jeb Bush (rumored)
Rob Corddry	...	Ari Fleischer
Toby Jones	...	Karl Rove
Sayed Badreya	...	Saddam Hussein

What do we think about the casting and, more importantly what do we think of the movie?

Via Trailer Addict.

Scanner Highs And Lows: But If You Are In The Mood...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

...maybe your sex drive isn't as high as it should be. Maybe you're burnt out from fantasizing about lingerie models. Or maybe you've just been mauled by a crazed grizzly bear.

In any case, you need some refreshment...

Highs:

CNN solved that sex drive problem, ladies. Sort of.

The Daily Show's five sexiest clips turned us on, for sure.

Anne Hathaway, as viewed from the side, caused total computer hardware failure. From drooling on the keyboard.

At least she didn't pick herself: Naomi Campbell named the last true supermodel, and we have to agree with her on the sexiness factor.

Lows:

Snickers didn't bring on a bout of the chuckles.

Ashley Alexandra Durpe couldn't seem to keep it in her pants. We mean... never mind.

Viewed from a distance, Brad Pitt is a) just as sexy or b) a lousy father?

The man eating bears had nothing to do with sex, but they, um, scared the pants off us. Does that count?

The 9/11 thing... got us hot and bothered? Nice try, but not really... mainly just bothered.

There's a 17-year-old girl stripping in Iowa. 17: not acceptable. 18: here's a dollar for your humiliation.

If engaging in fellatio this weekend, take this girl's advice: "Do Not Swallow!"

Top 5 Sexiest Daily Show Moments

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:48:00 GMT

Don't miss Ed Helms teabagging Tom Cruise! Or the moment Kristen Schaal realizes she'll have to remove all of her clothing. Or... well, we don't want to ruin #1 for you...

We're really surprised Comedy Central bucked the censors and allowed correspondent Ed Helms to attach a nut-cam to himself. (Yes, we're kidding. Not about the nut-cam, though. Check that out.)

Is it wrong to drool over a piece on sexism?

Well, if nothing else, Stephen Colbert can write for the Penthouse Letters column after Fox buys Comedy Central. This is one of our favorite Daily Show clips of all time-- watch as both Colbert and Jon Stewart lose their shit toward the end...

Gay hockey players, boob flashes, grab ass... this one's got it all.

And now... your Moment of Zen.

Well, there you have it: our five favorite sexy moments from The Daily Show. Check out the full list of 25 on the Comedy Central blog, which includes some shots of Jon Stewart that make him look ten years younger.

Oh shit, has he been on that long already?

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Stephen Colbert vs. Jon Stewart?

Video of the Day: Rush Plays Rush... In Rock Band

Funniest, Most Cringe-Worthy Video of the Day

Jon Stewart As Guest Blogger (In A Roundabout Way)

While You Were Sleeping: Anne Hathaway and the Cops

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:25:00 GMT

Arnold Schwarzenneger took 200,000 people hostage today. It sounds like one of his terrible movies from 1980s but actually, it's part of an ongoing budget crisis in California. Blah.

Headline of the Day: Alba Bans Honor From Acting. If you've ever seen Dark Angel, you will agree with us in saying she may have also banned Talent.

Who is Michelle Williams seeing now that the media won't pounce on her for it?

Michelle Williams has sparked rumours of a new romance with filmmaker Spike Jonze - six months after the death of her ex-fiance Heath Ledger.
The former Dawson's Creek star has been repeatedly spotted with Jonze, the ex-husband of Lost In Translation director Sofia Coppola, near his Manhattan apartment in recent weeks.
The pair first met in 2006 when Williams auditioned for Jonze's film adaptation of the classic children's story Where The Wild Things Are. She won a role, but later withdrew from the project.

Nope, nothing is sacred anymore: MTV is working on a remake of "The Rock Horror Picture Show."

Two Danish lesbians making more than $100K a year lost their lawsuit against the doctor who implanted one of them with two embryos instead of one, thus giving them twins and doubling the cost of child rearing expenses. Yep, they wanted the doctor to pay half their expenses. Apparently forever.

Anne Hathaway's journals may have been seized by the police in their ongoing prosecution of her ex-boyfriend. Unfortunately, this is not the plot of the next "Princess Diaries" movie...

And Lewis Black is, as usual, the go-to-guy for sane insanity in these, well, crazy times.

Video of the Day: Rush Plays Rush... In Rock Band

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 13:37:00 GMT

We always thought Rock Band and Guitar Hero were the best video game ideas ever, not to mention long overdue, and then end up disappointed that one just ends up pushing buttons on a guitar-shaped controller-- instead of a guitar with some strings on it that one could fake-play, sort of like air guitar but with strings, making the game about how well you mimic the song for real. (Does that make any sense?)

This seems to be the same problem the band Rush has when they tried to play "Tom Sawyer" on Rock Band: they wanted to play the song as it's really played, not just push a couple of buttons...

Turns out Rush only got 31%. Someone offscreen, perhaps a "yes man"-type intern or Colbert Report producer, tells them they didn't do half bad. The guy does have a point: after all, he did start them off on "Expert."

Here's how it's done:

Via Comedy Central.

George W. Bush: Master of Disaster

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:50:00 GMT

Oh boy... all right, tell us... what did Turd Brain say this time?

The American leader, who has been condemned throughout his presidency for failing to tackle climate change, ended a private meeting with the words: "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."
He then punched the air while grinning widely, as the rest of those present including Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy looked on in shock.
Mr Bush, whose second and final term as President ends at the end of the year, then left the meeting at the Windsor Hotel in Hokkaido where the leaders of the world's richest nations had been discussing new targets to cut carbon emissions.

Ah, this guy is the Master of Satire. Oh wait, he wasn't being satirical-- he's just writing every Daily Show lead-in without even trying. Remember this classic, from '04?

One pictured Mr Bush looking under a piece of furniture in the Oval Office, at which the president remarked: "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be here somewhere."
After another one, showing him scouring the corner of a room, Mr Bush said: "No, no weapons over there," he said.
And as a third picture, this time showing him leaning over, appeared on the screen the president was heard to say: "Maybe under here?"

Keep it up, Bushie, just don't tell a joke of this style ~~at a soldier's funeral~~ or anything. Whoops! [Blacked out by the Pentagon. - Ed.]

Via the Telegraph.

Today's Spank Material: Daily Show Archives

sarahhepola — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 15:24:00 GMT

The Daily Show archives have gone online. We really don’t have anything else to say except that, well, you should knock first.