Scanner : david letterman

Alec Baldwin's Sexy Gifts

Drew Grant — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:57:00 GMT

Thank god for Alec Baldwin and his tough-love persona. After what happened in 2007 with TMZ and that audio-tape they released where he's goes off on his daughter, the man is still cool enough to poke fun at being a cranky old dad who wants to throw his teenage girl into a volcano. Oh, which is all to say that Alec Baldwin was on Letterman last night, talking about the "marital aids" he gave David for his wedding.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: The Baldwins on Gay Marriage and the Unfortunate Pairing of Heidi Montag and Britney Spears

30 Rock Cast Member Looking for Dates

Top 10 Reasons To Watch 30 Rock

On Getting Mistaken for a Prostitute

Colleen Kane — Fri, 01 May 2009 20:33:00 GMT

You know you are not rocking a good fashion look if you get propositioned by a potential john, when you were not out looking for that kind of freelance work.

But in the case of one superstar, it isn't all that surprising. She didn't really even seem to mind as she recounted the tale to David Letterman this week, although at the time, she did threaten to shoot the john when he was too persistent.

And that little lady was...

It was 1968, and Dolly Parton and a friend were staying at a cheap hotel in Times Square, which back then was the old seedy Times Square.

"That's where all the prostitutes run and they ran in pairs for safety and we looked like we might be them. I still had the big hair, looking trashy like I do," she told Letterman.

But her admirer refused to believe she was not a lady of the night.

"We were just country girls and our daddies had given us both a gun when we left home ... I said, 'Look, if you touch me one more time, I'm gonna shoot you,'" she said.

And to add insult to injury, when they got back to their hotel, they'd been locked out because management thought they were turning tricks.

"I didn't come back here for years and years," she said.

Related:

Hey Fellas, You Might Have A Shot With Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton for Vice President!

Girl Crush of the Day: Dolly Parton

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

6 Tips on Cheating And Getting Away with It

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

Gwyneth Paltrow Saves Joaquin Phoenix's Career With Her Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Joaquin Phoenix's "final" acting performance has been getting rapturous reviews, especially from critics who actually believe his recent publicity stunts are real. One writer, however, noted that it would be impossible to watch Phoenix's Letterman appearance back-to-back with the new film Two Lovers and not think he's faking the rap career.

However, the largely negative reactions to Phoenix's new music and public persona have turned people off of Two Lovers, and so producers are hoping Gwyneth Paltrow can sell the movie, in which she co-stars. To do so, they've leaked a phone sex scene in which Paltrow flashes a boob at Phoenix from a window.

It's only about thirty seconds long, but this is the hottest Paltrow has been since Shakespeare in Love. (By the way, numerous idiotic websites claim this is her first topless scene-- they aren't even close. See below.)

Here are some highlights from her past work... that food travel show not included... har har.

Flesh and Bone

Shakespeare in Love

Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle

Related:

Top 5 Threesome Sex Scenes

Apparently, Olga Kurylenko Would Rather Be Naked Than...

Mr. Skin's 2009 Naked Oscar Nominees, Free & Uncensored

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Horror Movies

Sloppy Seconds: What Amy Adams Does in Private

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 22:43:00 GMT

Do you believe that NBC paid crazy baby lady ~~Angelina Jolie~~ Nadya Suleman nothing for her sit down with Ann Curry? [Jossip]

Our favorite headline of the day: 'Nude biker leads trooper on chase in bad weather.' [AP]

Boo: a brewery in Brooklyn has been ordered to stop making its Obama ale. That's too bad. We've had it and it's good. [The Brooklyn Paper]

After seemingly racist photos of her surfaced, Miley Cyrus is being sued for $4 million "on behalf of all "Asian Pacific Islanders living in Los Angeles County." Good luck with that Lucie Kim. [FadedYouth]

Ah! Will U2 just go away for, like, a little while? They're playing for an entire week on David Letterman to promote their upcoming album. [Yahoo!]

Apparently Amy Adams, girl of Scanner Brain's dreams, is actually a bad girl, telling BlackBook magazine, "I misbehave. I just do it in private." We imagine this only means he loves her more now. [People]

VIDEO: Joaquin Phoenix = Beyond Thunderdome Bananas

Colleen Kane — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:38:00 GMT

David Letterman was pretty funny questioning and reacting to old Joaqy last night. On the one hand, it's not kind to laugh at someone who is in a bad place, as the audience did the entire segment, and as the Internets are doing today. On the other hand, if that is the case, that person should not be doing Letterman interviews. On still another hand, is Joaquin Phoenix trying to be a bizzaro mountain man on purpose? Stay with us as this story develops.

Related:

Our Bearded Man of Last Week Has Some Issues

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Will Conan Suck When He Gets to L.A.?

Scanner Matt — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 22:43:00 GMT

You may have heard that Jay Leno is going to move to the 10:00 spot on June 1 when Conan O'Brien takes over the "Tonight Show", and while Leno is going to keep his (or Johnny Carson's) Burbank studio, O'Brien will be moving into a new studio... 3,000 miles from New York.

And as the New York Post points out:

TV shows reflect the places where they are made - think of Oprah and Chicago or the "Today" show and Rockefeller Center. It's part of their show- business DNA.

That means the "Tonight Show" will be changing more than its host when it moves from Burbank to Universal Studios this summer.

So will Conan keep his cool and stay (relatively) funny or turn into the celebrity kiss-up willing to pander to a more traditional audience at an earlier time slot as did the unfunny Leno?

Does this mean no more "masturbating bear" or sneaking knowing stares to the camera when the celebrity being interviewed is a complete moron?

Although "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" has mostly been a mainstream program and like all late night shows a promotional tool for the movie industry, it seemed to take a few chances with bizarre comedy bits, the occasional offensive joke and generally sought to push mundane television comedy a little further than the others when permitted. Will it keep it's edge, though fairly blunt in comparison to cable, when O'Brien reaches La La Land or will Letterman regain the ratings title?

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Emma Watson To Get Naked?

Stop Saying the New Tina Fey Catchphrase

Scarlett Johansson Sells Snot on Ebay

Leaked Photos: Jessica Alba Airbrushed, Before and After

[image]

And the Role of Oscar Host Goes to...

Scanner Matt — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 22:02:00 GMT

Letterman, Goldberg, Crystal, Martin, Rock, DeGeneres, Stewart and now this guy?

Did anyone see this coming?

AP reports:

Hugh Jackman will host the 81st annual Oscars, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed Friday.

Really?

Telecast producers Laurence Mark and Bill Condon called the Australian actor "a consummate entertainer and an internationally renowned ."

Though he has never even been nominated for an Academy Award.

...but was nominated for a Golden Globe for his role in 2001's romantic film "Kate & Leopold." His other movie credits include 2006's "The Prestige" and 2004's "Van Helsing." Jackman also served as a past presenter on the Oscar show.

We're split on this one. Worst idea ever or have the Oscars taken a turn for the... better?

We miss Stewart already.

Related:

Award Season Kicked into Gear, Critics Choose

Golden Globe Nominations Even Worse Than We Expected

Hot or Not: Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Underage Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 14:05:00 GMT

Can't afford to go to Bonnaroo because of the economic crisis? Music festivals have implemented payment plans for hipsters... and other citizens with good taste.

John McCain is scheduled to stand David Letterman up again this Thursday.

The Governor of Illinois has no plans to resign, called Obama a "motherfucker." Class act.

A Cleveland City Councilman gambled a long political career and up to 20 years in prison for a measly $500 bribe... and lost.

Tyler Perry beat back a frivolous lawsuit.

Tracy Morgan thinks Obama should be more like Jesse Jackson. Or at least a guy who cares more about black people, apparently.

And Kate Winslet had an affair with a man thirteen years her senior... when she was only fifteen.

Related:

Video of the Day: Tracy Morgan Responds to Tina Fey on SNL

Governor of Illinois Arrested Over Obama Senate Appointment... And That's Not Even the Weirdest Story

Kate Winslet Takes it Off for Vanity Fair

Top 5 Kate Winslet Sex Scenes

VIDEO Handful of Akon on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live'

Scanner Matt — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 17:16:00 GMT

Another video today? Why not? This one's a shorty. When rapper, Akon, decided to jump into the adoring crowd at "Jimmy Kimmel Live" while performing his atrociously boring single, "Right Now" (not a Van Halen cover), a random hand reaches up and begins massaging his crotch.

It's at 3:22 on the video after the jump.

We assume the audience member was just making things easier on Akon. Why should rappers have to grab their own crotch all the time? We always thought the tough-guy pee pee dance was a passing fad, but it never seems to go away.

Related:

Out to Lunch With Akon and T-Pain

Italian Dude Fined For Grabbing Crotch; Salon Gives the Background

Cheap Army Uniforms Causing Crotch Blow-Out

Sloppy Seconds: Joe The Plumber's New Homeland Security Gig

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:52:00 GMT

We can't think of anything more unAmurrrican than George W. Bush pardoning an eagle killer. Okay, we can, but still... [Gawker]

Hugh Jackman's wife was totally cool with him kissing Nicole Kidman. [Us]

Who was totally not cool on David Letterman last night. [Jezebel]

Stephanie from Full House's baby daddy (who is not from Full House but from the real world but that that Real World) has made an emotional plea for Stephanie, er Jodie Sweetin, to bring back the couple's 7-month-old daughter. Sweetin and Cody Herpin split recently, and Jodie took the kid. [Radar]

Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital after an adverse reaction to "medication." [Yahoo!]

As Wonkette so smartly stated, "Joe the Plumber's life officially becomes off-putting David Lynch film." Joe, er Samuel Wurzelbacher, is apparently now doing tacky commercials for some cheap electronics company. And it's really sad. But, hey, at least he has a job, right? A job protecting the public safety of the united states during the digital TV transition. For real. [Wonkette]

While You Were Sleeping: The Latest On Hillary Clinton's Career Move

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 14:48:00 GMT

With the new Guns 'N Roses CD due at Best Buy stores on Sunday, Dr. Pepper wants to remind you of its promise for free sodas marking the album's release date.

Letterman and Couric trashed Keith Olbermann.

Does this mean there is going to be another Bourne movie?

Universal Pictures has made an overall deal with the estate of "The Bourne Identity" author Robert Ludlum that gives the studio exclusive rights to the Jason Bourne character and first look at other Ludlum novels. [Variety]

Barack Obama will name Hillary Clinton Secretary of State sometime after Thanksgiving, including to some leaking aides.

Cheerleader initiation rituals in Texas? Even scarier than you'd think: a gang of hooligan girls have been charged with binding and gagging junior varsity newbies and tosses them into a pool. What the hell was that supposed to prove? That they could drown for the cause? How could they not
prove that?

The Guy Ritchie-Madonna divorce heads to the courts today in London.

And as of 1:45 this morning, it seems that the latest news on current Attorney General Michael Mukasey is that he's "alert" and "conversant" following what, in our best guess with what little information we have, sounds like a possible stroke. Mukasey was giving a speech, during which he speech became slurred. Midway, he collapsed and was rushed to the hospital.

Related:

Caption This: Madonna the Grouch

Cornell Is Obsessed With Armpit Sex

Megan Fox Is So Hot Right Now, GQ Can Just Recycle Her Photos Every Month

But Of Course: Madonna's British Accent Explained

Sloppy Seconds: The Craigslist Crackdown on Hookers

Sloppy Seconds: Photos of New Planets, Yay!

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 22:18:00 GMT

Same-sex heart transplants are the just better. (We'll resist gay marriage jokes here.)

Justin Long: from Drew Barrymore... to Tila Tequila? We're glad neither are divulging the make-out details.

Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer's aide was arrested for... have you guessed yet?

A “high-level” aide to communist Sen. Barbara Boxer of California has been arrested after — whoops! — he was caught chatting and swapping cock pictures with 13-year-old boys on a liberal social network called “Google Hello.” Gross! And the funny thing about one of those 13-year-old boys was that he was actually an FBI detective, trying to capture him. OOPS. Let’s learn more about Mr. Jeff Rosato, who has walked straight into a cold Blowvember gust. [Wonkette]

Jamie Lyn-Sigler: glad she doesn't have any kids, not as hot as she used to be, still dull.

Russell Brand says not being gay gets him laid. And hopefully he's shooting blanks. (You'll see what we mean.)

There has got to be an explanation for these fetus cookies, but we don't even want to hear it.

How much does a $2,000/hour escort, such as Natalie, seen above, take home? Gawker has the answer.

CNN has photos of two of the three new planets just discovered outside our solar system. They resist Uranus jokes, unfortunately, and don't comment on the fact that the planets are named "b" and "c." Wow.

12-Year-Old Boy Gets Arrested For Attacking Pregnant Teacher, Threatening To Kill Her

Photo Evidence: Tila Tequila Was A Vegas Call Girl

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

While You Were Sleeping: When MySpace Attacks...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:52:00 GMT

An eldery woman in Evanston, Illinois couldn't bear to part with her three siblings after their deaths. Turns out, she decided to keep their bodies in her home...and got away with it for a quarter of a century.

Natalie Portman was kinda wasted on the Letterman show the other night.

One of our favorite country music legends has lung cancer...

Country singer Merle Haggard, recently diagnosed with lung cancer, had part of a lung removed and is recovering at home, his spokeswoman said on Sunday. [Yahoo!]

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson... not totally broken up?

As if MySpace wasn't going downhill already: now it's censoring one of the only pages anyone would ever actually sign in to MySpace to read.

A nationwide protest of California's Proposition 8 will take place on Saturday the 15th. Do not miss this.

And Nicole Kidman is playing "the world's first post-op transsexual," who is married to a woman played by "Charlize Theron." Yum.

Related:

How The World Watches Porn Now

Top 5 Sex Scenes Featuring Nicole Kidman

Top 5 Sex Scenes From "Chick Flicks"

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Comedies

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Get Scurrred

While You Were Sleeping: Sasha Grey's Shot At The Mainstream

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

We somehow missed this during the debate the other night... but that's a real honest-to-God photo.

It took a man 4 hours and 39 minutes to eat a burger (it must've been from Wendy's)... because it was 7 kilograms.

Britney's week of greatness has ended: the prosecution has rested in her trial.

Joe the (Non-)Plumber has given more interviews in the past 24 hours than Sarah Palin has in this entire campaign. Anyone who would argue she is ready to President should be deported, I'm sorry.

Sasha Grey is confirmed to star in Steven Soderbergh's next movie. Will porn stars take over Hollywood now?

A bug. 30 centimeters long. Don't click here.

And John McCain showed up to explain his absence from a previous episode of The Late Show with David Letterman:

[CBS has disabled embedding for their own video after posting it as an embeddable clip. Losers. Anyway, you can watch it via this link.]

Related:

Have We Finally Found Stills from the Britney Spears Sex Tape?

Exposed: Joe the Plumber (Don't Worry, No Butt Crack Shots)

Debate #4: McCain Blinks, Misses His Chance

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Pregnant Ladies

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:50:00 GMT

Jeff Mangum, who wrote and performed the biggest cult indie album of all time, In The Aeroplane Over the Sea, returned to the stage but did not work up the nerve to do any of his own songs.

A raid in Tennessee netted 19 female prostitutes and two transvestites.

You heard what happened on South Park last week, right? Yeah, but did you hear about the show's ratings?

South Park beat George Lucas at his own pervy game Wednesday with its already-infamous "Indy rape" episode — the show's highest-rated fall premiere in nine years. Paradoxically, this must mean Indiana Jones 5 will be green-lit within the hour... [Defamer]

Not a fan of giraffes? You will be after this super cute photo spread?

Good news, everyone: Scotland has given you the okay to have a drink while pregnant.

Matthew Shepherd was murdered ten years ago Sunday.

John McCain, who vowed to "whip [Obama's] ass" at the third and final debate this Wednesday, has confirmed he will appear on David Letterman's show the following evening. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin's appearance on SNL is no longer a "done deal."

The national debt is freaking some people out. Especially when they see it (literally) growing before their eyes.

And the favorite face of tabloid readers is no longer Jennifer Aniston... it's Brad Pitt's former "other woman," seen above...

Ironically, Brad Pitt's former wife Jennifer Aniston, who topped the list in 2007, came in second. Jolie won in all Forbes categories - for sales, likability and most covers. [Starpulse]

Video of the Day: Dana Carvey Returns To TV

While You Were Sleeping: Angelina Jolie's Breastfeeding Cover

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Bad Movies

Sloppy Seconds: Why is Philadelphia Extra Sunny Today?

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Mister Clean, Mister Clean has died. Rather, House Peters Jr., the first actor to play Mr. Clean is dead at 92. [Yahoo!]

Bollywood is on strike! The world really is coming to an end. [Jossip]

"Can you say 'yes' instead of 'you betcha?" Number 6 on David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Debate Camp. [Us]

Every once in a while there's architecture (even-book related) that we just don't like. For some reason, this upside-down bookshelf really, really bothers us. [BoingBoing]

Things must be serious between Sir Paul McCartney and his new girlfriend, Nancy Shevell. McCartney took Shevell to his daughter Stella's fashion show in Paris. [People]

We thought we'd never be able to afford property, but apparently we're not looking in the right places. A woman in Chicago bought a house in Michigan on eBay for $1.75. We'll give her $10 for it. [Saginaw News]

We really loved "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" the few times we watched it before we decided cable was a luxury we could no longer afford, so it's no surprise that we didn't know two of the actors were a couple in real life. Did you? Well, they're married now. [Defamer]

Who Would You Rather: The Anne Hathaway Who Enjoys Anal Sex or The Anne Hathaway Who Doesn't?

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Okay, so it's possible the Internets tricked us into believing Anne Hathaway just loves anal sex. According to the blogosphere, in an upcoming issue of Esquire, Hathaway opens up about her love of anal sex, claiming it makes her feel "feminine in a very special way... every woman should try it, otherwise they miss out on something amazing."

But the kids at Defamer were just as skeptical as some of the ladies here at Scanner were, and contacted Esquire to get to the bottom (pardon the pun) of it. "Absolutely not true," Esquire spokesperson Rhett Usry told the blog. "There is no interview with Anne Hathaway at all in the upcoming issue of Esquire."

As representatives of the Internets, we'd like to apologize for getting your hopes up about Hathaway's love of anal sex. And now we ask you, who would you rather, the dirty girl who loves it or the sweet, innocent pretty, pretty princess?

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Which Hollywood Celeb Loves Anal Sex?

David Letterman Grills Anne Hathaway About Her Criminal Ex

Coming Soon: Nude Photos of Anne Hathaway

While You Were Sleeping: Anne Hathaway and the Cops

Sloppy Seconds: Whose Illegitimate Half Sister is This?

Sloppy Seconds: What Happens to Julia Allison's Nipple Does Not Stay in Vegas

David Letterman Grills Anne Hathaway About Her Criminal Ex

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:39:00 GMT

We used to be kind-of "meh" on Anne Hathaway, but the more time that passes, we think she's just cute as a button. We're a little concerned that she's given up meat and booze, but she still wears leather and eats cheese. All of this on the heels of her split with boyfriend of four years, Raffaello Follieri, hours before his arrest on charges of fraud and money laundering.

"I don't want to go into the specifics but I will say that you do have to give me credit because as far as relationships crashing and burning goes, c'mon, I did pretty great. I mean, scorched that earth."

Video after the jump

Related:

Coming Soon: Nude Photos of Anne Hathaway

While You Were Sleeping: Anne Hathaway and the Cops

Sloppy Seconds: Whose Illegitimate Half Sister is This?

Sloppy Seconds: What Happens to Julia Allison's Nipple Does Not Stay in Vegas

[Image]

McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:44:00 GMT

It's time someone called "nuts!" on this McCain campaign suspension, fake attempt to save the economy, and the sabotaging of that fake attempt once it appeared Obama had the upper hand on the issue again...

Here's what we've heard. It's possible, of course, that Politico, Politics1, RCP, and all the other sources are wrong, but let's assume otherwise for the moment:

1) McCain told David Letterman he couldn't do anymore interviews because he was rushing back to DC to work on legislation. This was proven, on air, to be a lie, as McCain ran over to do an interview with Katie Couric instead. Fine, whatever. But why then did McCain wait until the morning to fly to DC? Didn't he know that would be a big red flag for people?

2) McCain said he was going to suspend campaigning. But we've heard from several sources that his ads are still running, his workers are still working, and McCain is still "campaigning" in every sense of the term except for actual stump speeches. See more about what his campaign has been up to since the suspension here.

3) Politico and Politics1 report on how the deal fell apart, thanks to McCain and Bush and their political maneuvering. You have to read this whole thing to appreciate it:

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson['s] $700 billion bailout... fell apart in bitter arguing during the meeting at the White House called by President Bush... [which was held] at the urging of John McCain. [The Dems] jointly deferred to Barack Obama, who set forth the[ir] concerns. One Republican at the meeting told Politico that Obama's leading role -- versus McCain's nearly silent role at the meeting -- was "an ambush" and the Democrats "did a very good job" of surprising Bush and McCain.
Obama immediately raised concerns that House Republicans had spent the day secretly plotting with McCain to sabotage the Bush/Paulson plan. Obama said the Democrats would not be party to advancing any bailout plan if McCain and the Congressional Republicans were not solidly behind the plan. Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) -- one of the fiscal hawks who had been crafting the conservative alternative plan -- confirmed that the House Republicans had met with McCain during the day as they worked on the rival plan. ..."This is such a crisis I'm not going to draw some line in the sand. We can't leave without doing something, but we don't think the votes are here for Paulson," said Ryan. As the White House meeting degenerated into bickering, the Democrats walked out to caucus...

Here's the short version of the rest: Paulson apparently (literally!) got down on his hands and knees in front of Pelosi and begged them not to quit the talks. According to Politico, his worst fears about what Bush and McCain would try to do-- that is, play politics with the legislation and try to give most of the gargantuan payoff to those who didn't need it, like CEOs-- were confirmed and the talks stalled. The Democrats and Republicans sectioned themselves off and continued into the evening with the discussions, leaving some to wonder...

4)... is John McCain going to show up for the debate? As we've said before, if he doesn't, he could get trashed like no Republican has been since Bob Dole's bumbling 1996 campaign. Obama would be able to mop the floor with him in a town hall-style discussion and emerge the almost unbeatable frontrunner. John McCain: are you getting any of this?!

More via Politics1.

Related:

BREAKING: John McCain Suspends His Campaign

Gay Community Attacks McCain By Outing His Chief Of Staff

Which Candidate Spends More on Make-Up Than We Do On Shoes?

McCain Was "Tasty" and "Good Kissing" According to His Brazilian Lover

While You Were Sleeping: Will Smith's Milestone

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 13:22:00 GMT

Poor Natalie Portman. She moved from New York to LA to be with Devendra Banhart, only to see the relationship fall apart.

Check out the full clip of John McCain turning Letterman down yesterday to "rush back to Washington"... and ending up on another CBS show.

We thought about not telling you about this one...

A man who woke up from a circumcision procedure to discover his penis had been cut off is suing doctors.
Philip Seaton went to be circumcised at a hospital in Louisville, Kentucky last October, but awoke to find his penis had been amputated.
He also said he has lost the enjoyment of life, according to the lawsuit.

Some of our readers don't enjoy the comedy of Wanda Sykes. They obviously didn't see her on Leno the other night.

Philadelphia exploded a suspicious package... of hot dogs.

The serial killer who bumped off approximately 23 people, many of them gay men, in the parishes of southern Louisiana was sentenced to eight consecutive life terms.

Can you believe that Will Smith turns 40 today?

And Jenna Jameson is pregnant with twins. And no, the father is not some random co-star, okay?

Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Ex-Candidate For Kentucky Gov. Arrested For Sex Offenses After Obvious Joke

This Week In Gayness: Discriminated By McDonald's

Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Jenna Jameson: The Next PETA Pin-Up

Ali Lohan and Her Little Dog, Too

Emily Farris — Thu, 22 May 2008 14:10:00 GMT

We hate picking on kids (seriously!), but when a kid comes across as a 35-year-old, is it okay? Because there are so many things wrong with this recent David Letterman on Ali Lohan interview, we don't even know where to begin.

Okay, so David Letterman obviously does not want to be interviewing lil' Lohan. But that's the only thing making us think we didn't just waste five minutes of our lives.

For starters, does Ali smoke, or are all the Lohan girls blessed with that raspy voice?

And why is she dressed like a 35-year-old woman? Why does she look like a 35-year-old-woman? Is she a 35-year-old woman? Shouldn't 14-year-olds be wearing inappropriately revealing pastels and glitter?

Or maybe Ali is Lindsay's real mom and Dina is their grandmother and this whole thing is just an elaborate ruse to get the whole family lots of money when they finally reveal the truth to Us Weekly. Until then we'll have to let the family's upcoming reality show "Living Lohan" hold us over.

And what did lil' Lohan have to say about the show?

"We did this show to set the record straight that we're not this crazy family that the tabloids make us out to be."

Wow, we'd feel sorry for her if she was in the least bit charming.

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:17:00 GMT

A reader sent us this delightfully ageist, partisan hatchet job on the candidate attempting to become the oldest President ever (no, not Hillary Clinton, c. 2013), Senator John McCain.

John McCain is older than the word "old." When John McCain was a child, his granpappy was referred to as "ye olde man." Note the difference in spelling. John McCain is older than nylons, which means he is older than boners. Do we sound too much like "The Late Show With David Letterman?" We apologize-- although you should still check out our hilarious little list, stolen straight from the website "Things Younger Than John McCain."

10. Velcro

9. Plutonium

8. Both of Barack Obama's biological parents

7. Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney, for God's sake. Support somebody else!

6. Cheerios. Cheerios... Jesus Almighty, we thought the caveman had been the one to figure out what to do with little oats.

5. Scientology. Take that, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and that embarrassing woman from "Cheers"-- Scientology is a figment of our cultural imagination and not to be taken any more seriously than, uh, Christianity, for example.

4. Spam. Not only the internet annoyance... the food made famous by Monty Python!

3. The Golden Gate Bridge

2. Alaska

1. The Chocolate Chip Cookie

Runners up: AARP, Mount Rushmore, McDonald's, nylon, and FM radio, as well as many other shockers at "Things Younger Than McCain."

Thanks to Rachel R. for the link!

Good News: Doctor Kevorkian to Run For Congress

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 17:30:00 GMT

One of the Baddest Mufuckas of All Time, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, is to run for Congress out of the state of Michigan. Tell us, Doc: how hard is it to pull a voting lever with a straitjacket on?

It may surprise some readers to learn there is a primary going on, what with all the Hookergate brouhaha. In other news (after the jump): the tide has turned against America and its allies in Afghanistan, according to Reuters. Barack Obama is the official winner in the states of Mississippi and Texas. Plus, just because we can't let it die, the best Spitzer jokes we've heard so far...

Jack Keorkian, on parole and without a medical license, is the next Congressman from Michigan... if people overlook his 130 murders (oh sorry, "assisted suicides." Sorry for not being politically incorrect.) He will try to get on the ballot in November as an independent.

Barack Obama not only won Mississippi last night, he was also declared the winner of the contest of the state of Texas, after including the caucus results. This would be a blow to Hillary('s momentum), except the media will ignore the story, for certain.

And the US is going to give Afghanistan back to the Russians if they wanted it so bad.

From About.com, a couple of lame Spitzer jokes to wrap up that story:

"Here's some great news, today they found the source of all global warming in America -- New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer's pants." --Jay Leno

"But here's the lesson, ladies and gentlemen, this is why I always wear a fake mustache and pay cash." --David Letterman

[Photo: Wilson Almanac]

Bird Boy Only Speaks in Chirps

Emily Farris — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 16:58:00 GMT

Kind-of like The Jungle Book, but sad: a 7-year-old boy in Russia who was recently taken into the custody of social workers can only communicate in chirps, because his mother raised him among her pet birds and never spoke to him.

Reports in Russian media claim the child, suffering from "Mowgli syndrome", was found in a tiny two-room apartment that appeared to double as an aviary, filled with cages containing dozens of birds, bird feed and bird droppings.

Social worker Galina Volskaya, who helped rescue the "bird-boy" from his home in Kirovsky, Volgograd, told Russian newspaper Pravda that he was treated like another pet by his 31-year-old mother.

Because she never spoke to him, Ms Volskaya explained, the boy's only communication was with the birds he was surrounded by.

"When you start talking to him," she said, "he chirps."

You know how sometimes when someone tells you something really terrible and all you can do is laugh because it's sad and tragic and uncomfortable and you don't know how to react? You know you shouldn't laugh at the thought of someone's father being hit by a bus and knocked into the river, but it's the only reaction you can muster? We're kind-of feeling that right now. And we hope this poor kid won't end up on David Letterman having his, uh, talents exploited.

[Daily Mail: First pictures of the 'bird boy' who was raised as a pet and can only communicate by chirping]

About Time Obama Lightened Up A Little...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Senator Barack Obama, the great speechmaker and not-so-great speech-er (he too often buries his nose in his notes), showed his lighter side on Letterman last night. It reminded us of the legendary post-2004 SNL appearance by (President) Al Gore, giving everyone the feeling that if he'd just acted like a normal person during the campaign, he'd have easily beaten Bush. Luckily, it may not be too late yet for people to warm up to the Democratic Presidential candidate.

Here's the complete Top Ten from the Late Show:

10. To keep the budget balanced, I’ll rent the situation room for sweet sixteens.

9. I will double your tax money at the craps table.

8. Appoint Mitt Romney secretary of lookin’ good.

7. If you bring a gator to the White House, I’ll wrassle it.

6. I’ll put Regis on the nickel.

5. I’ll rename the tenth month of the year “Barack-tober.”

4. I won’t let Apple release the new and improved Ipod the day after you bought the previous model.

3. I’ll find money in the budget to buy Letterman a decent hairpiece.

2. Pronounce the word nuclear, nuclear.

1. Three words: Vice President Oprah.

He needs all the laughs and publicity he can get. After all, what with the Times endorsement of Hillary, this will not be a good day for him.

For more laughs, see another recent Obama Top Ten List, this one strictly "facts" about him.

[Photo: Associated Press/CBS]

Katie Holmes' Vocabulary Limited to 3 Words: Lovely, Magical, Beautiful

Emily Farris — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 19:33:00 GMT

Look, Katie Holmes is lovely. We know it, David Letterman knows it, there's just no denying it. And we pretty much want to kidnap little Suri, and not just to get her away from her crazy Scientologist father, either. We're sure her life is lovely, magical, beautiful and everything in between, but come on Katie, since the chemical reaction that was TomKat you're such a robot. Is this what Scientology does to you? We want to see little Suri throw up all over that pretty white dress of yours right before you yell "Shitfuck!" and she bursts into tears. Give us something so we'll know your body hasn't been taken over by pod people.

Our Long National Nightmare of Talk Show Reruns Is Now Over

Bryan Christian — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 17:09:00 GMT

As you no doubt are aware, you no longer have to go out and find willing sexual partners to keep yourself occupied late nights, Monday thru Friday: the network talk shows are back. We couldn't bring ourselves to watch Leno, since even on a good day, his Tonight Show material is only half-jokes, with the other half dedicated to non-joke observations engineered to garner applause rather than make people laugh, and that makes us crazy. (Also: Mike Huckabee creeps us out.) Anyway, it doesn't sound like we missed much since the big news coming from his show was that he probably broke WGA strike rules by pre-writing a monologue.

We did, however, catch most of Letterman and Conan (and, predictably, none of Craig Ferguson), and had considered liveblogging them as we had done the Victoria's Secret fashion show, but it was late and we were hard at work on other things, and besides we can't commit to watching anything all the way through if Robin Williams is involved. Suffice it to say that if a liveblog of this stuff is what you're after, you can have it. IOHO, while the shows seemed only slightly more shaggy-dog than normal (writers or no), the most interesting thing about them was that the hosts showed up thoroughly scruffy. Keep it up, gentlemen, we think ya look great (and we give facial hair an inordinate amount of thought)!

Daily Show and Colbert return next week, perhaps in time to do cleanup on today's Iowa caucus but certainly in time to provide non-scripted, off-the-cuff commentary on the New Hampshire primary. We think there's a decent chance that, if anything innovative happens in late-night before this strike ends, that's where you're gonna find it. But maybe that's just wishful thinking.