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If You're Doing Anything For the Next Ten Minutes...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 14:06:00 GMT

...get lost in this extraordinarily adorable, funny, sexy, and entirely delicious stop-motion film starring muffins, limes, squash, and other edibles.

The internet doesn't get any better than this, folks. More of this lady's animated mastery is on exhibit here.

Live From Death Row: A Killer's Last Words, Before His Life Was Spared

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:59:00 GMT

Jose Angel Moreno should be dead already.

He's a death row inmate in Texas, of all places, which means he's lucky he wasn't taken out and shot before his appeal even came up. This is not a dig at Texas-- this is a dig at how Texas State Government views the death penalty. And the fact that 23 years have passed since Moreno committed a murder-kidnapping and Moreno still hasn't been put to death is either a miracle or a travesty of justice, depending on which side you're on...

Anderson Cooper's 360 blog has a diary entry from Moreno in which he talks about the moments leading up to his own execution:

When your final visit is almost up, the warden (Hirsch) comes to pick you up. From that point on, every officer that has any dealings with you is a sergeant or higher, mostly lieutenants and captains. When you come out of the visiting room, there is a lot of freeworld people there. I didn’t recognize any, except the wardens. From there, you are escorted to a cage where you are searched thoroughly (you know, lift your feet and wiggle your toes, bend over and spread your ass-cheeks, then with the same hands stick your fingers in your mouth and pull your mouth open so they can check your other cheeks!) and given all brand-new clothing and cloth shoes.
The last thing Warden Hirsch says to me is, “Thanks for being a man about all this.”

Now, getting back to the death chamber. Once they get you out of the van and walk you the few feet to the holding area right next to the death chamber, they lock the door and repeat the process of removing the leg irons, belts, handcuffs and hog chain. They strip you right there in front of them (no cage necessary because there’s about 12 built or big rank all around you — a major or two, captains, and lieutenants). After they search you and dress you in their brand-new clothing, they allow you to walk over to the finger-printing booth (two sets of prints) and walk to their holding cell.
You know those huge 10-gallon containers they bring our juice/tea to the pods? Well, there’s three of them on the table. One with coffee, one tea, and I think one of juice. Then there’s milk cartons chilling on ice and a BIG silver platter with all sorts of sweets on it: cookies, buns, rolls, pastries, etc.

When the warden shows up, I think he is there to gauge how you are going to behave. He starts off by telling you what is going to happen. At 3 o’clock they will let you walk out of your cell and walk to the next cell where you will be behind a screen so you can visit with your spiritual advisor. The spiritual advisor visit lasts about an hour. Then, at 4, they will bring your last meal.
...you won’t see him no more until 6, when he comes to get you. He will say, “It’s time.” At that point, you will walk out of the cell and directly through that door (you can see it from the cell, it’s only about 10-15 feet), that’s the execution chamber. You will then be placed on the gurney and strapped down. Then two medically trained personnel will stand on each side and inject a catheter into each arm. Then he (warden) will stand behind your head and ask you if you have a last statement. He will give you about two minutes but is flexible, depending on what you are saying. He has two rules: 1) No profanity or cussing, and 2) It must be in English.

Then he tells you that if you get a stay, the chaplain will come inform you. Finally, he asks if you have any questions. It is at this time you are supposed to ask him to use the telephone and smoke cigarettes as per the instructions you will receive from the chaplain the day before. He tells you that the chaplain will provide the cigarettes and that you can call as many people as you want but the person must be in the continental U.S., and all phone calls will stop at 5.

So the warden leaves and I get right on the phone. I get some very sweet tea, a milk, and wait for him to light me a cigarette. The first person I talk to on the phone is my oldest (longest-lasting) friend, Linda. But I wasn’t doing much talking because I was trying to choke down my sobbing. (Sobbing is uncontrollable crying). It was at this point that it all made sense to me and I was more scared than I’ve ever been in my whole life.

Of course, since you're reading the journal entry, you know Moreno must've received a visit from the chaplain and that the chaplain let him know the execution had been stayed. Sure enough, as of this writing, Moreno lives in the only civilized country on earth that allows capital punishment.

Via CNN.

Related:

Dumb Cops Make Mondays Bearable

Woman Kills Rapist With Shotgun Blast Through Her Front Door

Germany's Richest Woman Blackmailed With Own Sex Tape

Food We Want To Lick: Candidate Lollipops

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 16:48:00 GMT

Made by hand... sugar and syrup... a little artificial flavor is added...

Assembled into a large blob... dabbed with a bit of color... layered with very thin slices and sealed up...

This could be a very apt description for the candidates running for President in the United States of America, circa 2008. Fortunately for you and your taste buds, this is merely a description of the process by which voting and candidate lollipops are made by Kai's Candies...

Drool over them, we're not judgmental... including the goofy-looking Obama one...

Later in August they’ll have a set for John McCain that features a lollipop with his face plus red elephant candies.

We're not sure licking John McCain is an appealing idea, although if the candy is as delicious as the above lollipop looks, we might be able to close our eyes and enjoy. But what does it actually taste like, you must be wondering...

Kai’s Candy has a nice post on their blog that shows photos of the process.

In the case of Kai’s Candies, the background is a translucent candy instead of an opaque color, which adds to the appeal of these, like they’re enamel.
The flavor is light. The website says that Obama is lemon-lime, but at times it tastes like a sweet banana or simply boiled sugar. There’s absolutely no hint of tartness to it, or even any zest. I found that the individual pieces were similarly bland. (I found McCain bitter, but that’s probably the red food coloring.)

How ironic-- McCain is a red.

Via Candy Blog.

Today in Food Porn: Better Than Sex Dessert Shop

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 May 2008 20:30:00 GMT

For our interview today with Dani Johnson, owner of Key West's Better Than Sex dessert shop, which opens tonight, we got into the missionary position and sniffed out some amazingly mouth-watering deserts:

Q. Pump-In Pie - Missionary Crisp - Pop My Cherry Cheesecake - Tenderness Tort - Jungle Fever - Naked Nut - Cheese Voyuer (a reference to "The Joy of Sex"), and the Better Than Sex Cake... which came first, the name of the restaurant or the titles of the dishes?

A. The name came before the titles. I have a passion for baking, which was passed down from my mother. My husband [co-owner Len Johnson, local radio host] and I have been married for six years, together for 12, and he often would request that I make something sweet. At a Valentine's Party two, three years ago, I had a lot of friends come up to me after eating the desserts, saying, 'You should do this for a business.'

Q. When did the theme, the sex theme of the dishes, come along?

A. I don't know. But you know, the name: a lot of our friends and non-friends were concerned with our name choice... you know what? It's built-in marketing, built-in advertising. But people are shy-- it makes them giggle, they're not all going to be comfortable with it, so it's a challenge. The idea is, when you call your place 'Better Than Sex,' people will keep coming back until they find a dessert that lives up to our title.

Q. Besides the desserts, is anything else sex-themed?

The restaurant is completely decorated in an eclectic/romantic theme. We're not going for the trashier side of sex, we're going for the sexier, more romantic side. It's all mismatched glassware and plates, for one thing. My husband is a radio DJ and personality-- Sexista, that's his title; I'm the Master Baker. We'll also have a small retail market and we'll have our name embroidered on t-shirts...

Q. Are you going to have theme nights or something?

Oh yes. One theme night is gonna be: if you come in a robe and slippers on Hugh Hefner Night, you get 20% off.

Q. When do you open tonight?

Six o'clock. "Sex at Six" is what we're calling it.