Scanner : dick cheney

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Facebook

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

The feminist porn awards sounds like a show somebody forgot to e-mail us an invite to.

Real-life lawyers working in Second Life law-- is there anything funnier?

A woman is suing her bank for telling her husband about her secret $150K account.

Question of the day: "If Dick Cheney believes he can prove that torture saved us from terrorist attacks, why does he oppose a full investigation?"

How funny is it that a major movie studio is remaking a movie as fucked up as Videodrome?

Police broke up a drug dealing operation... run by fifth graders.

The Flaming Lips won-- their biggest single is unofficially officially the state song of Oklahoma... or something.

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are finally tying the knot next month.

Felony Franks-- the world's most badass hotdog stand.

And Lindsay Lohan may be back together with that DJ girlfriend of hers.

Don't Use Facebook on Your Sick Day, Silly

The PETA Empire Strikes Back

Dick Arrested For Pulling Dick Move

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Here's a pop quiz question for you: if your name is Jonathan Dick... and you're a physical education teacher at middle and high schools... what have you been arrested for?

43-year-old Jonathan S. Dick, a resident of the great and now decidedly ashamed state of Maryland, has been arrested for attempting to corrupt a fifteen-year-old boy, who was not one of his students. Dick met the unidentified boy on the WWW, then spent several weeks trying to seduce him via "sexting." According to the boy's parents, Dick didn't put his dick anywhere it doesn't belong, at least not when it comes to their son.

Nonetheless, Jonathan's Dick faces 10 or 20 years in prison, depending on which Baltimore-area news source you believe. Either way, they agree that he's being charged with soliciting sex with a minor.

In an unrelated story, Dick Cheney called a press conference yesterday to remind people he is still available for lampooning.

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Sloppy Seconds: Yet Another Lesbian Teacher Scandal

"Gossip Girl": Like Kissing Your Teacher

Here's A Kind of Teacher Sex Story We've Never Seen Before...

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 14:09:00 GMT

Jason Segel has no luck with women, claims the Post.

Really dig this Tropic of Cancer-inspired photo. [NSFW]

George W. Bush is writing a book on "the most important decisions of his presidency." Since those were all made by Cheney, we wonder why they're calling this an autobiography.

It was a setup. Big Joe is gonna be so pissed.

Ooh, Twilight fans-- some of the cast may be sneaking into the midnight DVD release parties.

Three people robbed Victoria's Secret of $3,400 worth of panties.

Natasha Richardson died from a skiing injury yesterday at age 45.

John Mayer Tweeted that his penis fell asleep. And no, it didn't have anything to do with his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And this guy thought he was on his deathbed, so he confessed to decades-old murder charges he'd bailed on. Whoops.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Milking It

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Man Catches His Meat in a Meat Grinder

Sloppy Seconds: Psychology Teachers Getting In On The Student Sex Craze

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 22:22:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Now that we're settling comfortably into 2009, we have a little time to reflect on 2008. And what kind of seemingly professional blog would we be if we didn't compile our top ten posts of last year? With boobs, Mormons, abortion and booze we hope the list is everything you hoped it would be and more.

Read more...

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:18:00 GMT

Ed note: Yes, we're running it every day this week.

Read more...

While You Were Sleeping: The Next Major Blockbuster Is...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Has the Senate ever been this entertaining? Between Dick Cheney swearing in a shit-eating-grin-sportin' Joe Biden to Roland Burris, barbarian at the gate?

Aubrey O'Day will receive one half million smackers to allow her boobies to appear in Playboy.

We have to admit, we're skeptical the "safe sex" soap opera can convince teens of anything.

This will either be worse than Rocky V or even better than First Blood: Part Two.

How the hell do you win the lottery 21 times? Probably by buying all the tickets.

According to Forbes, the most boring big city in the country is in... Arizona. Runners up include... cities in Arizona.

The next big movie event involves Spielberg, Peter Jackson, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost. Oh, and don't forget Tintin.

Will Ferrell is about to kick off his George Bush spoof on Broadway.

Did you hear about the woman who set her husband's nuts on fire? She killed him and burned her house down, and now she's being charged with murder, having confessed to her neighbors that she did it because if she couldn't have his dick, no one could.

Stooges guitarist Ron Asheton died. At least we can say we saw them twice...

And in Virgina, a six-year-old boy missed the school bus, so he did the next best thing, as his grandfather would've instructed: he ~~walked~~ stole the family car, with predictable results.

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Emily Farris — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Read more...

Want To Have Sex With Obama?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 16:57:00 GMT

Whether or not you agree with his politics, you have to agree that Barack Obama is sexier than John McCain. And while he probably won't have a Bill Clinton style sex scandal while in office, the Senator from Illinois is nonetheless the object of many a young woman's fantasy.

A new website has presented us with the only chance we're likely to have to have sex with Barry...

Here's a 3-D version to help you visualize what we're getting at:

So... anyone out there actually going to buy this frightening/hot/hilarious/bizarre sex toy? (If you are, by the way, it's available here, via Head O'State.)

According to its manufacturer, it's been given high praise from Sarah Palin ("Drill, baby, drill!") and Dick Cheney ("I've had one stuck up me since '82.") Plus, it's only $21.95... an affordable way to work off stress and pent-up frustration over this tumultuous election season...

Obama and McCain Condoms: F**cking Silly

Republican Ex-Assemblyman, Tough On Sex Offenders, Busted For...

While You Were Sleeping: Janet Jackson Hospitalized

Today in WTF: Virtual Boob Groping

RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:52:00 GMT

Last night, we were sitting in the press section at the Excel Center in Minneapolis, wondering if the woman sleeping next to us had been flopped out in that chair since the night before. A woman with a large cup of coffee greeted us while jerking her head up and down. On stage, a droning religious figure mumbled through some sort of sermon. The general vibe on the floor was, "How soon will this be over?"

That all changed when Sarah Palin took the stage. All of a sudden, the arena was jam-packed: the concession area cleared out, the press stopped answering their cell phones, and the crowd was on its feet more often than not. To say Palin was well-received was like saying Hillary Clinton would've been only lightly toasted at the stake. Okay, that sounds harsh, but it was clear that there's a new #1 female American political figure on the scene and that, no matter what happens in this election, Sarah Palin will not soon be forgotten.

With her relentless attack on Barack Obama, Palin proved she has the anger and determination necessary to offset attacks on her ethics, family problems, inexperience, and radically conservative positions. The mood at the RNC went from fear that this was the beginning of the end to "how will Barack-Biden top this?!"

We ran into Ron Paul outside. He said he doesn't know which candidate he'll back... but definitely not McCain.

Palin's triumph was not so much one of oratory or intelligence or originality, but rather of carefully-calculated political maneuverings masquerading as a speech. Kudos to Palin for her many devastating one-lingers. Kudos to her for realizing the soccer mom angle is going to play very well, and playing it up to the max.

McCain could clearly be seen to be glowing with vindication as he took the stage. (He had to come out a night early-- after all, Obama did the surprise appearance thing last week and McCain has never been one to allow a preemptive one-upping.) His advisers were downplaying our expectations for the speech tonight, although that's utter nonsense: John McCain can real knock a public appearance out of the park if he has a script.

And, after hearing Palin's fiery words, we're pretty sure McCain's is going to be packing a wallop...

All photos by the author.

Related:

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week...

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

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Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck

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While You Were Sleeping: Obama Narrows His Choices

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 13:34:00 GMT

Bloc Party is so eager to beat illegal file sharing, they're releasing their new album online, three months ahead of the hard-copy release.

Rihanna and Pink will join the Jonas Brothers and Kid Rock at the VMA's. Still no confirmation on whether Britney Spears will repeat last year's travesty (oh please oh please oh please.)

Blake Lively and Leighton Meester do indeed hate each other. Sort of...

He says, "There are obviously always little dramas. You are on set for 16 hours, so people get irritable. In any workplace there are always little things and frustrations.
"Leighton and Blake could not be more different from each other but as far as I know there has never been any real difficulty. We are all good friends and we go out socially together."

Zuma, Zuma! Gwen Stefani gave birth to a miniature Gavin.

Gossip surrounding Barack Obama's choice for Vice President has all but exploded in the past 12 hours. Here's the latest:

1) An overwhelming number of people say either a) Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine is out or b) he's doing an amazing job of looking busy for the next two days, when he would be surely needed to make public appearances with the Senator.

2) Joe Biden flew family members across the country for a powwow at the Biden Delaware compound. He's also "stopped talking to the media."

3) Hillary Clinton avoided reporters and their questions about the VP pick, saying the press should contact Obama's campaign instead.

John McCain, meanwhile, is having a grand ol' time with the media: first, it seemed certain he would choose Charlie Crist. Earlier this week, Joe Lieberman was the odds-on favorite. Today, it's Mitt Romney-- with rumors of an 8/31 Michigan rally seeming to back up the possibility of Romney versus anyone else. (By the time he makes the announcement, we're pretty sure Condi will be back in the running. Hell, maybe even Cheney, just for laughs.)

Traitor Lieberman to Be GOP Vice President?

Sloppy Seconds: The Stunning Conclusion To The Pimp Minister's Trial

The 50 Sexiest Albums You Must Own (50-41)

Scanner Roundtable: Who's Your VP?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 13:59:00 GMT

He'll always be our VP... Grandpa Charles W. Fairbanks...

And we mean anyone: Hillary Clinton, Dick Cheney, Martin Sheen, Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords, whoever...

And hurry... Obama's announcement could come at any time, and then you'd only get to pick for McCain...

With seven of the most-named running mates listed to speak at the Republican National Convention, the veepstakes over John McCain’s vice presidential running mate is anyone’s guess.

The convention line-up, which will be held in St. Paul, Minn., from Sept. 1-4, features Connecticut Independent Democratic Sen. Joe Lieberman on the first night; former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge and Alaska Gov. Sara Palin on the scond night; former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney and Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal on the third night; and Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and Florida Gov. Charlie Crist on the last night.

The third night is the night the vice presidential nominee will give his acceptance speech. Other speakers that night include Cindy McCain, former eBay CEO Meg Whitman and former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina. [FoxNews]
CBS News has confirmed that Barack Obama's campaign now plans to announce Obama's vice presidential choice to supporters via email and text message on Friday afternoon. (This plan could change, of course.)

He will then appear with his running mate at noon the next day in Springfield, Illinois, CBS News chief political consultant Marc Ambinder reports.

Media reports today have suggested that Indiana Senator Evan Bayh, Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine and Delaware Senator Joseph Biden as the names now atop Obama's list. [CBS]

So, if you had a write-in vote in this "process," who would you pick?

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Traitor Lieberman to Be GOP Vice President?

Charlie Crist's "Sex Tape" Could Land Him The Vice-Presidency

Obama Turns Hillary Down

Scanner Survey: What About the VP?

Sloppy Seconds: Impeachments Imminent

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:29:00 GMT

56 government employees in Miami-Dade County were arrested for their alleged links to an Oxy-Contin ring.

We keep waiting for an explanation for this few-days-old story, but since none has been forthcoming: A man was arrested for exposing himself to his neighbors. When police came in through his front door, they found him committing some sort of sexual act "with a claw hammer, plastic bag and motor oil." What?

Gawker revisited some classic (and far from classic) Playgirl covers.

Know anyone with a birthday tonight? Get them the Horse's Ass cake, just because you're such good friends.

One of the Dixie Chicks got divorced.

A teen conspired with a buddy to, we're assuming, assassinate George W. Bush at Camp David. He even had the motorcade route copied down. It's a miracle ~~we don't have a "President Cheney"~~ he didn't get to execute his nefarious plan.

In other Bush news, the House seems closer than ever to actually considering impeaching Bush. Which means nothing will happen, of course.

In other impeachment news, the President of Pakistan is much closer to being ousted: the country's ruling coalition agreed to begin removal proceedings against him.

And Condi Rice is apparently ignoring her daily memos from the RNC: she said the country would do fine against terrorisms even with an Obama presidency.

Hey, George Bush: This Is The Definition of "Appeaser," You Jackass

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 May 2008 16:50:00 GMT

George W. Bush is learning the hard way what the definition of "appeaser" is with all the controversey surrounding a new memoir by his former Press Secretary.

Among the many "startling" "revelations" (i.e. confirmation of the worst fears of anyone who has been paying attention for the last seven years):

Scott McClellan charges that Bush relied on “propaganda” to sell the war and that the [braindead] press corps was too easy on the administration during the run-up to the war. [See what we mean by putting "revelations" in mocking quotes?]

He admits that some of his own assertions from the briefing room podium turned out to be "badly misguided." [Ain't that the understatement of the new century.]

Two top aides held a secret West Wing meeting to get their story straight about the CIA leak case at a time when federal prosecutors were after them — and McClellan was continuing to defend them despite mounting evidence they had not given him all the facts.

Somebody call Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald and get this boy on the witness stand! Let's take down the whole administration while there's still time left to further ruin Bush's legacy.

More from Yahoo! News on the book, which is sure to be forgotten within days by the truth-seekers in the press corps.

Richard Dreyfuss as Dick Cheney: "We're Gonna Need A Bigger War"*

Bryan Christian — Fri, 23 May 2008 13:15:00 GMT

Well, Oliver Stone finally pulled the trigger and hired someone to play former Senator, former Secretary of Defense, current Vice-President, and eternal devourer of worlds Richard "Dick" "Go Fuck Yourself" Cheney -- and we're thinking that like Mr. Cheney when he shot that guy in the face, Stone got his target pretty durn good. Oscar-winning former cokehead Richard Dreyfuss will be bringing the veep to cinematic life in W, Stone's possibly Capra-esque biopic of the least popular American president ever.

Dreyfuss fans -- which we certainly count ourselves, considering how many mashed potato mountains we've built in our day -- will observe that this will not be the first time the noted and active lefty will be playing a conservative to presumably-critical effect. He played a right-wing Senator in The American President and lifelong Republican operative Alexander Haig in The Day Reagan Was Shot; we're also pretty sure that that guy from Down and Out in Beverly Hills wasn't really much of a Mondale supporter, either. Dreyfuss-haters, however, might note that his performances in those flicks-- and most of his performances really -- could somewhat charitably be described as "sort of hammy"; we'd remind them simply that, dude, it's an Oliver Stone movie. If you're looking for subtlety, Netflix is full of Bresson movies.

* Yeah, we know Roy Scheider said that in Jaws. Sue us; it works.

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:17:00 GMT

A reader sent us this delightfully ageist, partisan hatchet job on the candidate attempting to become the oldest President ever (no, not Hillary Clinton, c. 2013), Senator John McCain.

John McCain is older than the word "old." When John McCain was a child, his granpappy was referred to as "ye olde man." Note the difference in spelling. John McCain is older than nylons, which means he is older than boners. Do we sound too much like "The Late Show With David Letterman?" We apologize-- although you should still check out our hilarious little list, stolen straight from the website "Things Younger Than John McCain."

10. Velcro

9. Plutonium

8. Both of Barack Obama's biological parents

7. Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney, for God's sake. Support somebody else!

6. Cheerios. Cheerios... Jesus Almighty, we thought the caveman had been the one to figure out what to do with little oats.

5. Scientology. Take that, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and that embarrassing woman from "Cheers"-- Scientology is a figment of our cultural imagination and not to be taken any more seriously than, uh, Christianity, for example.

4. Spam. Not only the internet annoyance... the food made famous by Monty Python!

3. The Golden Gate Bridge

2. Alaska

1. The Chocolate Chip Cookie

Runners up: AARP, Mount Rushmore, McDonald's, nylon, and FM radio, as well as many other shockers at "Things Younger Than McCain."

Thanks to Rachel R. for the link!

Too Bad The Perfect Guy For Cheney Is Dead

Bryan Christian — Mon, 12 May 2008 18:21:00 GMT

Oliver Stone begins filming his George W. Bush biopic today, and last we heard, despite having committed to some fairly weird casting decisions -- lots of comedians and international beauty Thandie Newton as international not-Thandie-Newton Condoleeza Rice -- he had yet to confirm anyone for the role of Vice President Richard "Dick" "Go Fuck Yourself" Cheney. There are rumors, of course, most of which involve really great actors -- but for our money, the perfect guy for the role booked a gig for the great backlot in the sky 10 years ago.

We're talking here, of course, about 80's and 90's character actor J.T. Walsh, who -- if you watched TNT as much as we did this weekend -- you know established his bona fides in beady eyes; gruff, gravely, midwestern voices; and a hiss-inducing sense of self-interest and self-entitlement in such films as A Few Good Men, Executive Decision -- and even Stone's 1995 Nixon movie, where he played crony and part-time plumber John Ehrlichman.

Walsh was one of the great go-to guys for directors in need of a total dick, but in smaller, stranger roles like his appearances in Sling Blade and Pleasantville, he revealed a capacity for comedy and weirdness that, sadly, were never fully put to use by Hollywood before his sudden death iin 1998. We'd like to have seen him have the opportunity to put all his powers to use as Dick Cheney, handling the asshole stuff with perfect aplomb, and applying his wit and deftness of craft to whatever comedy's in the flick (and it sounds like there's a bit).

We're sure whoever gets the role will be great, but there will probably always be a "What if?" in our minds if they don't really knock it out of the park. (We're looking at you, Duvall!)

Vito Fossella Promotes Family Values... Two Families At A Time

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:40:00 GMT

As we suspected, Vito Fossella is not the goody-two-shoes, family-values conservative, Dad of the Year winner the Republican Party made him out to be. The New York City Congressman, already the worst person in the world for bringing his best friend Dick Cheney to Brooklyn and Staten Island to fundraise for him, has outdone himself again.

And we thought Eliot Spitzer's was the ultimate hypocrite for going after whorehouses while himself visiting Ashley Alexandra Dupre in his spare time:

Representative Vito J. Fossella, the Staten Island Republican who was arrested on drunken-driving charges in Virginia last week, acknowledged on Thursday that he had fathered a daughter, now 3, in an extramarital affair. But he declined to address questions about his political future. [New York Times]

It keeps getting better: not only that, but Vito has been seen recently without his wedding ring. Dude-- you're a public official, people in the gossip community (i.e. the New York Post, Daily News, and Reuters) tend to notice shit like that. And if you're going to cheat on your wife (and kids-- that is, those kids you have with your current wife), please leave her at least the dignity to be able to end the marriage herself-- in other words, let her be the one to take her ring off first. Don't get all Rudy Guiliani on us and call a press conference announcing your divorce so she can learn about it from NY1 News.

Asshole.

Via The New York Daily News.

Is That A Naked Woman Cheney's Sunglasses? Or Is He Just Happy To See Us?

Katie Halper — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 18:40:00 GMT

Are Cheney's Sunglasses reflecting a naked woman? Some bloggers thinks so. What do you think? Dick's spokesman says what we see in his lens is actually a “hand casting a rod.” Hmm. “Hand casting a rod…” So that’s what the kids are calling it these days? Do they really expect us to believe that that's nothing more than a good old-fashioned outdoorsie hand job? We're tempted to think that there really is a naked woman in Dick's eye. He must be fighting them off with a stick! Who wouldn't get naked for Cheney? Have you seen Dick's balls? They're huge! Check them out after the jump.

Cheney Hearts Martin Luther King More Than McCain Does

Katie Halper — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 21:15:00 GMT

On the 40th anniversary of Martin Luther King's death, nothing says "I commemorate you" like a "my bad for voting against making you a holiday" statement (video after the jump) . John McCain-- on more than one occasion-- voted against making Martin Luther King's birthday a federal holiday. But that didn't stop him from commemorating King's death day in a speech at the Lorraine motel in Memphis TN, where King was killed. But before you judge McCain, you should know that when he voted against MLK day, he was young and wet behind the ears, a 47-year-old spring chicken who didn't know any better. And only radical Black Power members of congress like Dick Cheney and Newt Gingrich supported making MLK Day a federal holiday. Plus during the speech, McCain even let a black guy hold his umbrella, which shows you how down he is. More about McCain's other MLK opposition activities after the jump.

Whatever you think of McCain, or Martin Luther King, at least the presidential nominee doesn't half assedly oppose MLK-related commemorations. When it comes to NOT supporting Dr. King, Mr. McCain is in it to win it! Huffington Post points out that in addition to voting to oppose a state holiday in 1987 and a federal holiday in 1989, McCain voted in 1994 to cut funding for the commission that promoted King's holiday. And

In 1983 McCain did something not even Dick Cheney did: he voted in Congress against a federal holiday in honor of Dr. King, which President Reagan later signed into law. In 1987, McCain supported Arizona Governor Evan Mecham's action to rescind an executive order establishing a state holiday in Martin Luther King's honor. Even in 1989, when McCain finally came around and supported a state holiday, he said he was "still opposed to another federal holiday." As recently as 2000, McCain reportedly said he "resented it when people outside of Arizona got involved" in the issue.

Scanner : dick cheney

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Facebook

Dick Arrested For Pulling Dick Move

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

In Which We Finally Put The Lid on 2008: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of Last Year

Top 10 Scanner Posts of 2008: Because We Can Never Get Enough Ashley Alexandra Dupre

Scanner's Greatest Hits: The Top 10 Posts of 2008

While You Were Sleeping: The Next Major Blockbuster Is...

In Case You Missed It Yesterday: The Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Top Ten Scanner Posts of 2008

Want To Have Sex With Obama?

RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

While You Were Sleeping: Obama Narrows His Choices

Scanner Roundtable: Who's Your VP?

Sloppy Seconds: Impeachments Imminent

Hey, George Bush: This Is The Definition of "Appeaser," You Jackass

Richard Dreyfuss as Dick Cheney: "We're Gonna Need A Bigger War"*

Top 10 Things Younger Than John McCain

Too Bad The Perfect Guy For Cheney Is Dead

Vito Fossella Promotes Family Values... Two Families At A Time

Is That A Naked Woman Cheney's Sunglasses? Or Is He Just Happy To See Us?

Cheney Hearts Martin Luther King More Than McCain Does