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Video: Lose Weight by Wearing a Shiny Bag

Colleen Kane — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 22:12:00 GMT

A theme developed in my posts today about weight loss and gain. I'm trying to drop some pounds myself for my wedding in four months, only I hate doing that pesky exercise. What's a girl to do? Then I discovered the Slim Suit.

Anyone know where to get one of these? A search on eBay only turned up Spanx. I'm dreaming of obtaining the Stepfordesque state of tranquility of the Slim suit wearer shown at the 35 second mark of the commercial:

"And now my dress fits perfectly."

Related:

Weight Watchers Does Not Endorse That Kind of Exercise

Oprah's New Diet May Induce Diarrhea, Headaches and Time Travel

They Are What You Eat: Diets Can Change A Baby's Sex

While You Were Sleeping: Woody And the Scarlett-Penelope Makeout Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

How does a man "accidentally" castrate himself and flush his own penis down the toilet?

Robin Quivers has some diet tips for you that sound similar to everything else you've heard, except they worked for her.

It's nice to see that Etta James is as crazy as we remember her from a 2008 concert.

Are you an ex-masturbator? We are-- although only from this moment until the moment after this post is complete.

Don't miss John Cleese on Jimmy Kimmel.

Barry Bonds plead not guilty to charges of perjury. Does this guy ever stop lying?

Joe Satriani won't have his goons stalk Coldplay at the Grammy's.

Michael Phelps has been suspended from swimming and lost his Corn Flakes deal. So what?

And Woody Allen wasn't even there to witness Scarlett and Penelope make out. Huh? What kind of director misses that scene?

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

While You Were Sleeping: Another American Cheater Unveiled

Sloppy Seconds: What Happened To Harvey Dent?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:18:00 GMT

No wonder it was so easy to change votes: we had no idea Ohio allowed random people to babysit voting machines at their own homes prior to the election. Anyone who thinks Ohio voted fair and square can at least admit that was a pretty stupid idea, right?

Speaking of Ohio and politics, Stephanie Tubbs-Jones was pronounced dead, then that was retracted, following a brain aneurysm. Tubbs-Jones, a black Congresswoman and hardcore Hillary supporter, is currently in critical condition.

Britney's condition has improved, so much so that people actually want to read about her latest diet...

"I have no sugar. I don't eat fruit or even fruit juice because of the sugar. I eat chicken and salmon and rice. I eat avocados. I'll have egg whites for breakfast and sometimes turkey burgers for lunch.

"I try to do just 1,200 calories a day. It may sound like it's not much, but it's actually a lot of food if you eat the right things.'"

The famous two-headed turtle was turtle-napped last night. How much ya wanna bet it won't be two days before the idiot who stole it will brag to one too many of his friends...

Another bet: How long before they make a movie of the woman who spent her 37th birthday robbing gas stations with her teenage son?

Maybe she spanked her kid too much or something. After all, according to Strollerderby, spanking is just a gateway drug to hardcore beat-downs.

Meanwhile, Paul McCartney denies he has plans to marry a virtually unknown "American socialite."

And finally: Moviegoers have been arguing for weeks about the open-ended climax to the Dark Knight-- spoiler alert! Haven't seen The Dark Knight? Then skip the next paragraph and go straight to the Related section, please...

The script for the blockbuster sequel was made available for purchase on Tuesday and soon after found its way online. It's a long read at 167 pages, but fans looking for confirmation on the fate of Dent need only look at page 163.
"Dent lies at the bottom of the hole, his neck broken," the stage direction, written by brothers Jonathan and Christopher Nolan, reads. "DEAD." (Capital letters their emphasis, not ours.)

Heather Mills is Too Good For Your Sex Shop

Sloppy Seconds: Update On The Christian Bale Story

Ohio Democrat Flashes Topless Photos During High School Class

Sony Video Game To Feminists: "Let Them Eat Cake" (Literally)

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:59:00 GMT

Sony apparently forgot that there are, surprise, women who play video games. More importantly, they forgot that feminists play video games and can raise a big stink on the interblogs if they they think your game is unfunny, sexist, and more out of touch than George W. Bush...

Fat Princess is a capture-the-flag game with a twist: you can thwart capture attempts by locking the once-thin princess in a dungeon and stuffing her full of cake, thereby increasing her girth and making her harder for your enemies to haul back to home base.

The ladyblogs had trouble deciding what to attack first...

Melissa McEwan of Shakesville writes: "Congrats on your awesome new game, Sony. I'm positively thrilled to see such unyielding dedication to creating a new generation of fat-hating, heteronormative assholes."

Zing! Wait, what does that mean?

Feminist Gamer's "Mighty Ponygirl" suggests a simple gameplay switcheroo would solve the problem (and change the title). "Instead of running out into the forest to find cake to fatten up the princess with, why not go out and find gold (which is a lot heavier than cake) to stuff into a treasure chest," she says, adding, "The more gold in the chest, the heavier it would be, and the harder it would be to carry."

That's a great idea! Then again, Sony isn't interested in having their video games make sense or insulting fewer than half the population of the world. Nope, they just say "let those feminists eat cake-- literally." And male gamers are apparently backing them up-- check out the comments on Joystiq:

Fat women would be better served by getting up and exercising and eating less. They would have more energy, better self image and feel more confident. They might find a boyfriend, even perhaps, love. But you know, its like hard to do that stuff, and its easy to complain on the internet!
Women will cry about anything.
They are piss because they lack a penis.
If it were "Fat Prince" and you had to carry an obese dude around nobody would care. Except maybe Prince.

However, a female commenter had a reaction similar to ours:

If anything, I think they're attacking the wrong concept. Who cares if she's fat or gets fed? It's way more offensive that the princess is treated as an object (in replacement of a flag) and helpless (she can't even move on her own) and unable to do anything about her situation (or refuse food). But I know that the designers weren't being pig-headed, they were just trying to be creative, and they succeeded.

There are far too many memorable (but not necessarily intelligent) comments to post here, so check out the original post.

Via Joystiq and Yahoo!

Because We're Twisted: The World's 10 Most Ironic Deaths

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 20:21:00 GMT

Have you guys become addicted to the STREET BONERS and TV CARNAGE blog yet?

You should-- they have hilarious features, including one that we are about to pirate and use as a basis for our own list of "Hilarious Deaths." That list should be called ironic deaths (such as the one where the only non-lifeguard at a party of lifeguards, all of whom were celebrating their year without a single death on the job, drowned in the swimming pool), although there are a few that don't make the cut.

You'll thank us or (is it forgive us?) for removing Eric Clapton's son's tragic death and some of the other, unfunny and more offensive choices:

1) JOHANN UNDERWALD, Swiss math genius, in a 1999 bungee-jump gone wrong. The problem? He made himself a "300-foot bungee cord to make the 250-foot leap."

2) BOBBY Leach, an American folk hero and early pioneer of the daredevil schtick later appropriated by Evil Kneivel, made some incredible leaps and bounds of his own before finally succumbing to his death after slipping on a banana peel.

3) "PISTOL" PETE MARAVICH, one of the greatest basketball players of the mid-20th century and the all-time leader in NCAA Division I, died of a heart attack during a pickup game. (The bloggers neglect to mention he was a retired alcoholic by then, and the cause of death was related to a heart defect that should have killed him years earlier.)

4) DR. ATKINS. You all saw this one coming: his fad diet was again taking the country by stor, crushing sales of bread and other carb-heavy food, when a 250-pound man was found dead. That man was Dr. Atkins.

5) Same with the founder of PowerBar and the pro jogger who died while jogging. Ironic but not that funny.

6) Maybe not ironic but at least not too morbid: VICTOR VILLENTI, a well-known jogger was killed "—while jogging—after being struck by an eight-pound frozen leg of lamb that had fallen from someone’s third-story window."

7) One more health nut death:

...JEROME IRVING RODALE, massively successful publisher of health-food books and Prevention magazine. After having boasted that he was going to “live to be 100 unless I’m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver,” Rodale appeared on The Dick Cavett Show in 1971. When it appeared that Rodale had fallen asleep in his chair, Cavett asked him, “Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?” If so, he had been bored to death, since he died of a heart attack while the show was filming. Sadly, the show never aired.

8) We all remember WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON, who, as the Simpons remind us, died in 30 days. Harrison gave his inaugural address in the freezing cold. But to show everyone what a "man" he was, he neglected to wear a coat. The President came down with pnuemonia... and the rest is history.

9) In Arizona,

DAVID GRUNDMAN thought it would be cool to grab his shotgun and go out “cactus plugging” with a friend one day in 1982. He plugged a 26-foot Saguaro, a huge prickly slab of which fell and smashed him to death.

10) JENNIFER LEE STRANGE had a strange death of her own: she died while holding her bladder in a "Hold Your Wee For A Wee" radio contest. Jennifer, it's a $250 item-- not worth dying over.

There are more, but some of them aren't that ironic (being killed by bears after staying with them for more than a dozen summers is not irony, it's invevitability.) You can check out the rest here.

Madonna's Sexlife Threatened By Keebler Elves

Bryan Christian — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 14:18:00 GMT

Which is less plausible: that Madonna couldn't get her husband to sleep with her, or that there's something called "The Cookie Diet"?

Followers of the diet, including singer Kelly Clarkson and Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson, eat 800 calories a day for three weeks.
Madonna told an American radio station yesterday: "My husband went on that Cookie Diet and it was such a turn-off because he didn't want to have sex. He's not on it at the moment, thank God.

You may remember there's been some speculation in the past few weeks on the state of Madge's marriage to director Guy Ritchie. On the surface, this would just seem like a wacky tale of marriage -- "Oh, my husband, so nutty!" -- but you tell us: is it a good thing if your marital relations are at the whim of the geniuses at Pepperidge Farms?

Mick Jagger: "Performing is Like Sex"

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 18:33:00 GMT

Sixty-four-year-old Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger says performing is as addictive as sex—which must be why he's been doing it so long.

"Performing is like sex - it's an addiction. It is why we are out there doing it. But you do have to be careful. To do it well, you can't do it all the time. It has to be the right time.

"It's like when you are young you think you should be having sex all the time. If you are reading a book all you are thinking is, 'Why am I reading a book - why aren't I having sex? I'm wasting my time if I'm not having sex.'"

Hm. We've never thought, that, actually. Maybe we should be reading less? Even though we feel like we should be reading more. But not everyone can be a sexual machine like Mick Jagger.

Oh, and have you ever wondered why Mick is so skinny? In addition to burning all those calories performing in bed and on stage, Mick says he owes it to his diet as a "war child."

"I do some preparation a few months before we go on tour, but nothing special. I think my fitness levels are down to being a war child. That diet was meant to be the best - hardly any fat or sweets."

[M&C: Stage addict Mick Jagger]

[Image via proud.co.uk where you can buy the uncropped print of Mick]

Sloppy Seconds: The Good, The Bad and The Skinny

Emily Farris — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 21:23:00 GMT

Would you really be all that surprised if Amy Winehouse wasn't really all that clean?

Let us be the last to tell you that JLo popped out twins, and will make $6 million from their first pictures.

Hillary Clinton is a fan of hot peppers, they keep her going. Maybe that's why she's looking so thin lately.

Is Jezebel, by way of Cosmopolitan, trying to kill you? No, they're just fessing up to the stupid shit we've all done to lose weight. Cosmo might still be trying to kill you, though. We hear the Amy Winehouse diet is working pretty well.

World's Fattest Man Loses Half His Body Weight on Low Carb Diet, If He Can Do It, We Can Do It

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 17:53:00 GMT

Yes. We. Can.

But seriously, kids, if you do not want to see what we're certain is his before picture, do not click through. Seriously. No, seriously.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

[Telegraph: Diet halves body weight of fattest man]