Scanner : douchebags

Ladies' Response to Jizz in My Pants: Puke in My Mouth

Colleen Kane — Tue, 05 May 2009 14:09:00 GMT

From Pantless Knights, a response video to SNL/Lonely Island's "Jizz in My Pants," inspired by a woman who wanted to make a fake engagement ring to ward off douchebags. That ring is called Ms.Taken, available for $50, and it comes in a handy keychain for quick access when you see that db zeroing in.

The video has gone viral, but has proven controversial in comments as to its level of funny, one commenter simply stating, "girls aren't funny." Just goes to show why you never read the comments on You Tube. See it for yourself after the jump.

Related:

5 Reasons SNL Is Finally Worth Watching

Nipple Gauge "Works" at Making Guys Look Like Douchebags

Women in Jeans Can't Be Raped, But the Italian Supreme Court Can Be Total C*cksucker Douchebags

This Week in Online Dating

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Maybe you wonder why I'm single. Or maybe you don't. Either way, I'm going to show you. Plus, since it's Friday, you deserve a good laugh.

I decided to compile the worst (er, best?) of the messages I received from an online dating site this week. And as I Twittered yesterday, "Dear men who are online dating: if you have to tell me you are "smart, funny, clever" chances are you're, not. Sorry to break the news."

First, this form letter from an older ~~gentleman~~ douchebag.

Subject: Yes there is a secret to happiness

So, know that I am a dynamic and diversified well experienced delight. And no, you will NOT be falling in love with me but yes, there will likely be golden moments to treasure.

Expect a guy who likes cats, is well traveled, knows that we were born in differing years and will forgive you for your comparitive youth and inexperience providing that you too are delightful and can carry a conversation, be intriguing, are not afraid of being with someone that society would frown on you associating with due to the age differential, but it is OK if you keep the door ajar in our lives knowing that for the rest of your life you can call upon me to solve situations, open doors, dissuade others from being a pain in the ass, or make problems emulsify and disappear on demand.

Ask me about my exquisite poetry, the German Prince, a Maltese Diplomat, the Island in the South Pacific, Niagara Falls, the United Nations, the Pyramid of the Sun near Mexico City, or teaching college and I will give you a true story.

Perhaps over a beverage. . .

This next one wasn't so bad (my profile says I am "really good at fixing shit" and also like to cook) until the last part. Perhaps I can help him fix his space bar?

I'd love it if you cooked for me while helping me do some dry wall or texture matching;) Love your profile, dig your pics. You seem like one badass , beautiful chic!I'm a nice, smart, down to earth, fun, loving guy! Hope you'll holler back!

Then there was this guy who I did NOT write back. Don't you think it sort-of sounds like a Nigerian email scam?

Thanks for writing me back,Honestly When i first saw your Profile i was intrigued! also with polite profile, You're a beautiful woman and i really admire that very much. First you have to understand that all that glitters aren't Gold but when i see a pure diamond i won't hesitate to jump on it. silly me with cute joke lol .
Am Currently in West Central Africa- Working on a ( Casino Project ) being here over a month , I have 1 week to return to the States. I will like to get to know more about you and see where this leads too - feel free to ask me questions - i will be glad to answer and tell you more about myself , I enjoy good conversation.I want you to Know That the Distance should not be an Obstacle ok..We can always try and work things out.. We Can Only make it if we try...
I Really don't think distance is a negative factor for a lasting relationship - Understanding and Clicking matters a lot -- Do you honestly think we can make magic.. Am in search of an Ideal Woman!! Someone to share my passion and love for. If you think you're worth it.. Let's make magic
You have my Attention! I will write a lot about me on my next email - this is just a tipsy.
Chris G
PS! I Appreciate you writing me back , Lets have Online conversation Through Yahoo I'M. My Screen Name ''chris_xxxxxx"

Wouldn't you think that if one is using ONLINE DATING that one could GOOGLE one of the sexiest men of all time?

Who is Michaeal McDonald?
Pardon my inculture, but I have no idea.
And tell me more about your dog. How are things? I'm considering taking one next year but since I want to travel in 2 or 3 years, I know I shouldn't.
Also, you think you'll get away without writing me, whereas, no no, it's highly inacceptable! :-)
In other terms, yes, absolutely, I'd love to read from you.
Ok, bon weekend et peut-être à bientôt.

Keep in mind, dear readers, that all of these men (according to their profiles) are Americans whose first language is English.

Tommy Lee's Online Ladyfriend

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Look at This F-ing Douchebagging Douchebagger

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 21:07:00 GMT

The man pictured above is Arthur Kade. We'd never heard of him until today but a quick Google search leads us to believe that he is some fameball douchebag who makes a living being a fameball douchebag. Don't believe us? Here's the first line of the bio on his website: "I am an extremely motivated and passionate person who trys to excel at everything that I do." Sounds like a bad personal ad to us. Anyway, he gets douchier than that—much, much douchier, verging on pedophile douchier except we think it's just pure douchebaggery. You see, Arthur Kade probably doesn't think you're hot unless you look like Gisele (she's a 10, Halle Berry is only an 8) and if you are that hot, you better shave off all your hair down there or you will not get the pleasure of what is, presumably, his tiny peen inside you.

From his blog:

"If you are a hot girl, then it is imperative that everything is shaved, or clean to the point that there is minimal hair. I have had many experiences with beautiful women where they have been amazing looking (especially Internationally), but upon further investigation they are not properly groomed, and I have actually stopped in the middle of the act. One of the many things I notice on a girl while talking to them, and figuring out whether I am going to have them is their: nails, hair, make-up, and skin, and this will many times separate girls who are hot (8's and 9's) from girls who I want to take it to the next level with that night (10's). I remember once going home with a girl from Bungalow 8 in NYC who was a 10, and when I saw her naked and ungroomed, I became so disgusted that I asked her to leave my apartment, and when she said "What's wrong?" I told her, "I am not into the hair thing". She told me she hadn't been with anyone in 2 months, and wasn't planning on anything that night, so I decided to let her stay over. That next weekend when we hung out she was totally shaved."

The post goes on to talk about how he almost requested a new nurse when he was having blood drawn after the one taking his blood had a "visible mustache." Oh, and of course he tacked seven glamour shots onto the end of it.

Ladies: grow your bushes big and proud so you don't ever have to deal with this douche.

Here's hoping this is all an act... but even so.

[Arthur Kade via Jezebel]

Related:

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

**We F-ing Hate That There is F-ing Nude F-ing Hipster Grifter Sh*t We Can F-ing Get Behind**

Look at This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Look at These F-ing Hipsters

NYU Boys Learn How to Clean Up Down There

"O glorious pubes!"

PapSmeared: Nick Hogan, Bringing Douchebag Back

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 16:23:00 GMT

We're sure that girl didn't want to have a conversation with you, anyway.

[Image]

9-Year-Old Boy Teaches You How To Pick Up Girls

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:15:00 GMT

And by girls we mean young ones. Or is it older women that the nine-year-old author is hoping for?

Amazon just launched a book called "How To Pick Up Girls" that thankfully isn't written by Neil Strauss. The scribe is Castle Rock, Colorado native Alec Greven, who wrote the 48 page hardcover without the help of a ghostwriter (although the prose is too pat not to have been heavily edited by Collins, the publisher.)

Among Alec's tips:

Comb your hair and don't wear sweats [sorry, Alec, we've met too many losers meeting this criteria who have scored consistently]
Control your hyperness (cut down on the sugar if you have to)

Don't act desperate [indeed, showering girls with compliments leads to them freaking out, as we found out... oh, at about age 27.]

He also warns boys (aged 1-127, we're thinking) to avoid the good-looking broads:

It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry...
The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you.

And girls, the budding writer is currently single, so if you're ~~interested in prison, global shame~~ between the ages of 8 and 11, you could do worse than this charming lil' bastard... although, as another Scanner blogger comments, how long before he goes "from darling to douchebag?"

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Demi Moore And Her Boob Squirt

Canada's Greatest Lover And Seducer Is Also Its Biggest Douchebag

10-Year-Old Boy Is the Lone Protester of Nude Sunbathing

Louisiana Teacher Gets Closer to Student By Sleeping with His Father

GQ: "James Franco Is A Douche"

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:13:00 GMT

This story was written by Sean Flanagan, who is guest blogging while Verena is at the Democratic National Convention...

Everyone loves James Franco, sorta.

Pineapple Express was hilarious. Franco was exciting and endearing-- and in a good movie. But, it turns out, if you haven't seen any of his films since 2001's James Dean, you probably wouldn't know that everyone in Hollywood thinks he's a douche.

GQ, as you will see, does nothing to shatter that image; in fact, they get right down to it in the opening lines:

He's sorry about the awful movies, sorry if he was a jerk on-set, sorry for trying to be the next James Dean. But now, with the chronically charming Pineapple Express and an Oscar-baiting drama coming this fall, Franco is making sure his future looks nothing like his past, even if it involves making out with Sean Penn...

After that, it only gets worse:

1) Judd Apatow call Franco ugly and stupid:

“What I remember about meeting James,” says [Judd] Apatow, “Was that he had this really big mouth, and he was very skinny, and very greasy... We had no sense that he was attractive— we just thought he was this, you know, wannabe cool guy, but it wasn’t quite working, a funny mess of a guy, the way he performed the scenes."

2) Franco discusses a gay cocaine threesome and "email vent" about how he was unhappy with the lack of time spent discussing art and poetry during his the days of being trailed for the cover article.

3) "To watch the complete works of James Franco, as I did, is for large stretches of time a dispiriting experience.... He seems more like a witness powerless to prevent the same crime being committed over and over again."

4) This one is too great of a quote to really make anyone look bad, though:

One time when he was deep into reading a particular text, Sean Penn told him, “You’re reading that book like you’re waiting for it to lie to you.”

Of course, since Scanner loves James Franco, we have to point out that we do not support GQ's position. There's something entirely lovable about a guy who has this to offer us about his first time kissing a man-- in this case, Sean Penn:

The ﬁrst kiss of the movie was out on Haight Street, with, like, 200 people watching, outside. It was a crane shot—I’m sure in the end it will be a really cool shot, but it starts close and then it takes maybe a minute. That’s a long time on film with everybody watching and, like, a fake mustache getting in your mouth. It was long enough that you couldn’t help thinking, ‘Oh, my God, I’m kissing Spicoli.’ ”

While You Were Sleeping: James Franco and Sean Penn Go At It

Video of the Day: "Pineapple Express" Trailer

"Acting With James Franco" Comes Pretty Close to Making Us Cry

While You Were Sleeping: The Heath Ledger Investigation

Sloppy Seconds: More Naughty Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked

This Week In Gayness: Sean Penn's Next Movie

The MTV Movie Awards: More Entertaining Than We Wanted Them To Be

Kanye West Wants You To Be Like Him, This Apparently Involves Lots of Alcohol

Emily Farris — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:20:00 GMT

Unless you have a particularly keen eye and have been thumbing through the "Strictly Personals" section of New York Magazine, you may have missed the print advertisements for Be KANYE, a campaign starring Kanye West and lots of really bad graphics.

The ads are clearly for Absolut Vodka, though the "product" is an Alka-Selzter-like tablet that can instantly transform you into Kanye West.

We're just as confused as you are, but earlier this year, the company announced its "In An Absolut World" campaign, promising to profile Kanye, Eddie Izzard, Perez Hilton and Zach Galifanakis (a strange mix, if you ask us) as "Absolut Visionaries," among less famous subjects, like a random pregnant man. So this must be Kanye's vision.

But if Kanye's vision is really that everyone should want to be like Kanye, doesn't this, um, make him a douchebag?

Here's hoping he's in on the joke and either way, the website is still fun, because of (and in spite of) the fact that it looks like a website would have looked if it were made before websites existed, while offering absolutely no information on what this Be KANYE business is all about.

However, the site counts down to something on July 13, so maybe everything will make more sense then.

In the mean time we highly encourage you to check out bekanyenow.com and call 1-877-Be-KANYE (235-2693 for those of you with phoneputers, you're welcome) if you'd like to become a Kanye groupie. We'll be contemplating our belly buttons and trying to figure out what will happen on the 13th. It better blow our fucking minds!

[BeKANYEnow.com]

(Thanks, Lauren!)

The 10 Most Disgusting Pizzas We'd Probably Still Eat

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 19:32:00 GMT

This list of the 10 Weirdest Pizza Toppings challenges even our appetites, but honestly there may be no pizza too disgusting for us to drunkenly inhale on the way home from the bar. Although one pie we can promise we'll never consume is the $1,000 cavia-laden "pizza" pictured with pricesless self-congratulatory douchebaggery after the jump:

Defamer Forgets About Fez, Gives Us Reason to Run Best Zach Braff Photo Ever

Bryan Christian — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 19:40:00 GMT

We really wanted to ask "Where's Wilmer Valderrama?" on Defamer's list of Top Five Most Incomprehensible Babe Magnets In Hollywood, but then we realized that they're talking about dudes who couldn't actually pull any of the amazing gals that they have without being famous, and say what you will about Wilder: he's got real hair and he can dance.

Which means that we are free, instead, to present quite possibly the douchiest picture of the A-Number-One, King of the Douches on Defamer's list -- Zachary Braff -- courtesy of the fine folks at goldenfiddle. Boo ya!

Exclusive: Inside the Douchebag Trial

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Our friend Kurt Opprecht has been attending the groundbreaking trial of the 17 year old blogger waging a bitter fight against her Connecticut high school. Folks may recall the story of Avery Doninger, who used the word "douchebag" to lambaste school administrators in a Live Journal entry.

Doninger was upset that school Superintendent Paula Schwartz had canceled a Battle of the Bands and went home to her computer and ripped them a new a-hole via RSS. The Hartford Courant quotes her as saying:

"Jamfest is canceled due to the douchbags [sic] in central office." She also encouraged others to write or call Schwartz "to piss her off more..."

The school denied her the right to be class secretary, even after she won via write-in; she was therefore also denied a speaking slot at her graduation this year. It's baffling that someone who spoke outside of class and did not disrupt it could be punished for a simple rant-- worse, that a lower court judge would disagree and deny Doninger's appeal.

Opprecht describes how the case is unfortunately playing out on appeal:

“What if Avery had said, ‘Kill the principal,’” one justice asked [yesterday]. “What if there were no rules on what a student could say?” But over time the arguments boiled down to two salient issues. One, offensive language can clearly be controlled on school grounds, but can’t possibly be prohibited everywhere. In this case, the internet has to be a place where free speech is allowed. Two, speech that is disruptive to the educational environment can be limited, even off school grounds, but Avery’s blog entries seem to have been only mildly disruptive, and probably justifiably so.

"Kill the principal." This is the same nonsensical argument made by, say, opponents of gay marriage, i.e. what's next, dog marraiges? You don't bust a pot smoker for smack possession just because you think weed is a "gateway drug." It's not about what comes next, it's about free speech and what was specifically said that may overstep the bounds. As Opprecht states, clearly, calling a teacher a douchebag on your Live Journal does not disqualify you from First Amendment protection.

We'll be hearing from our court reporter friend again as to whether the judges see this case the same way we do....

[Photo by Kurt Opprecht, link via his blog.]

Penthouse Model Gives Us an Excuse to Write About the Fox Business Network

Bryan Christian — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 21:09:00 GMT

How long we've waited for something Skinemax-y enough to justify our writing about the Fox Business Network and, in particular, the mind-boggling melding of FHM and Wall Street Week that is Happy Hour. What is it exactly that so fascinates us about this show, which is sort of like Good Morning, America if it took place in a bar and was populated entirely by Republicans, airheads, and Republican airheads?

Maybe it's how the show so uncannily recreates the exact physical sensation of finding yourself in a bar you can't stand, surrounded by overpaid meatheads who aren't even waiting till you go to the bathroom before hitting on your lady friend. Or, God forbid, perhaps we find ourselves a little charmed by host Cody Willard, who despite his cheesy, post-frat exterior and (we presume) cushy gig, still can't help but let his guard down at least once -- "Oh holy crap, I can't believe someone this hot is talking to me!" -- each time he interviews that jour's belle. Oh, we're. So. Confused.

Anyway, here's lovely-yet-struggling actress and occasional centerfold Krista Ayne talking with Cody about, er, being lovely and struggling. Also: whether she'll be attending the Penthouse Super Bowl party -- 'cause he totally will! -- and despite that, still somehow manage to be nice to his mom backstage. Damn, dude, pick out some curtains while you're at it.

Previously: Fox News Porn

[via Gawker]

Hey Dudes, Please Think Twice Before Busting Out the Axe Body Spray and Thong

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 14:07:00 GMT

Sometimes people ask us what kind of guys we don't want to date. Category #1:

We're just glad they called themselves douchebags before we had to.

(Thanks, Ada!)