Scanner : driving

Mile High Club Lovers Take Sex Life to the Fast Lane

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:17:00 GMT

A little over a year ago, a friend of ours with the commenter name of "Ahem" caused a stir on these pages by suggesting he was able to accomplish a minor version of a threesome while operating a motor vehicle.

We were a threesome "couple" (trouple?), and luckily both were as thrilled with the idea as I. My GF in the backseat stripped down and crawled over me and into position while my GF in the passenger seat took up the task of steering. I did what I could to both provide and enjoy pleasure while keeping my foot on the gas and my eyes on the road through two very firm thighs.

While we can't actually confirm this story really happened, here's one that the police were able to, thanks to their dashboard cams. And unlike the above story, this sex act takes place in the fast lane...

According to the local newspapers in Norway, a 28-year-old man and his 22-year-old lover were arrested after cops spotting them having intercourse while the man was driving (see above illustration for an explanation on this strange phenomenon.)

Officers who clocked the couple's silver Mazda 323 racing at 133km/h in a 100 zone realised they were doing more than just breaking the speed limit, police told AFP on Monday.

"It was veering from one side to the other because the woman was sitting on the man's lap while he was driving and doing the act, shall we say," said Tor Stein Hagen, a superintendent with Soendre Buskerund district police.

"He couldn't see much because her back was in the way," he added.

"Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know."

Well, Tor, obviously you've never been laid properly. It's precisely because of the high risk, great story, and that need to get off that people generally have.

Reader "Ahem" a Braver, Hornier Driver Than We Are

Top 10 Places To Have Sex... This Week

Putting an End to Teacher Sex?

Sloppy Seconds: Chris Brown's Mystery Woman Revealed

Vintage Video of the Day: Riot Grrrls On 'Roseanne'

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:54:00 GMT

When Roseanne was on the air, we watched it religiously, but we were too young to really appreciate what an amazing show it was—plus, we were too busy crushing on David and trying to be less like Becky and more like Darlene. Each time we catch a repeat, though, we're amazed at how well it portrayed the every-family (at least according to Scanner Emily). One episode we don't remember (probably because we were more Becky than Darlene) is the one where Jenna Elfman appeared on the show as a Riot Grrrl and gave housewife Roseanne a "wake up call."

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Guess Who Has a Brand New Vagina!

C-Love in HEEB's Wasted Issue

Am I a Bad Feminist?

Craziest Town Meeting Ever Involves Porn, Sexual Harassment, Vehicular Homicide

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:15:00 GMT

When Anthony Troiano went into a meeting with fellow town selectmen in Hopkinton, MA, he thought maybe they would want to discuss that time he killed somebody, had his license suspended, and was arrested.

As it turns out, Troiano had bigger problems, as the local paper (The Metro West Daily News) breaks it down for us:

1) Troiano has been busted at least twice: once, for committing vehicular homicide (for which he's already been convicted) and for driving with a revoked license five days after having the license taken away in September.

2) Troiano's political enemies looked for other mistakes to help their case to oust him. One turned up a visit to a porn site Troiano had made while using a town-owned laptop in the privacy of Troiano's home. Troiano admitted to going to the site, but came up with a vague excuse involving spam e-mails that caused him to visit it in the first place.

3) Unsure the board would expel their rival, Troiano's opponents then appear to have tried another tactic. One anonymous member filed a claim that their co-worker's visit to a porn site while on a network they all shared amounted to sexual harassment. ("Troiano had created a hostile work environment by using a town computer to look at porn.")

Troiano was booted unanimously, although one board member-- clearly the only one with half a brain here-- abstained from voting, saying it should not become a public matter and could unfairly damage the man's reputation. Too late-- it's now all over the national news and blogosphere, thanks to the October meeting's notes being made public.

Related:

Who Is Katie Green And Why Is She Famous?

Larry Flynt: How's About A Porn Bailout?

The Porno Oscars

Madonna's New Brazilian Boy is in Porn

While You Were Sleeping: Scrubs & Friends

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 15:18:00 GMT

Denis Leary can't escape controversy if he tries.

Geffen is blaming Axl Rose for the flop that is Chinese Democracy. Releasing the album exclusively to Best Buy stores and not really promoting that fact may not have been the blockbuster idea of the century either, dumbass.

Someone send these people a lifetime supply of birth control pills, stat: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag want to have children.

Friends guest stars are trying to boost the ratings of just about every show. Now, Courtney Cox is guesting on the January 6 episode of Scrubs.

MTV is feeling the crunch-- and so will its employees.

Iraqi women are back on the road.

Jessica Alba + swimsuits + Campari is an ad campaign we can get behind.

And Paris Hilton's second album may not come out. Pass the Campari, baby!

Related:

9-Year-Old Boy Teaches You How To Pick Up Girls

Louisiana Teacher Gets Closer to Student By Sleeping with His Father

While You Were Sleeping: Who's #1 on Yahoo?

While You Were Sleeping: What Men Think Women Think Men Want

Why Beyonce Was In No Hurry to Marry Jay-Z

Sloppy Seconds: Flavor of the Week

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:36:00 GMT

Who the hell wants to steal used sex toys? Oh, right: weirdos.

A drunk driver led police on a high-speed chase and after trying to escape from the scene, somehow running over both his legs with his own truck. You just have to read this one.

Even better: almost two dozen people were arrested for underage drinking at a party celebrating the life of a person who died from... underage drinking.

Twilight star Kristen Stewart was photographed smoking pot in front of her house. That's not going to help with her image.

Barack Obama and Sarah Palin will meet (for the first time!) next week.

We can picture it now: the new CBS show "The Psychic Dog." An Ohio police dog bit a man who is accused of dogfighting.

Weirdest concert pairing ever? Jay-Z and Coldplay are teaming up to do three shows in the U.K. next year.

And Scanner Emily herself is the subject of the most recent Flavor of the Week in the New York Press. For the gory details, click here. Personally, we're just glad we were too busy eating casseroles to get caught up in the drama.

Top 5 Celebrities Who May Or May Not Be Attractive

Scanner Emily's Savory Sweet Potato Recipe

Dad Nobly Defends Son Against Rape Charges... Oh, Wait...

Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Mannequin Orgy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:31:00 GMT

You'll be relieved to learn that this post has nothing to do with the you-know-what that's happening today...

This is the creepiest and coolest Halloween prank we've seen this year

A woman is charged with murder after stabbing her boyfriend with a pair of scissors after the argued over a slice of pizza.

It's scary and insane enough that this guy murdered his girlfriend. But then to cut off his own dick and leave it with her body? Wow. We have nothing to say about that.

A man is selling his wife through an in a classified section intended for vehicle sales, complete with the usual punny ad. The news here? Even though she's 25, he has had to drastically reduce the asking price.

A supposed burglar was found in a store's window display bed getting it on... with a bunch of mannequins.

A naked, masked man holding a gun and waving the American flag on an overpass caused a California freeway to be shut down for hours during yesterday morning's rush hour. And how come we're hearing about this the next day?!

And Traci Lords doesn't appear naked in Kevin Smith's new Porno movie because she was lactating. Yeah, we figured Smith would take a pass on that...

Related:

Today It's Porn Vs. Halloween For Kevin Smith

And You Thought Bill Clinton Was A Sex-Crazed Politician...

The World's Largest Flower Is A Giant Deformed Penis

Reversing That Circumcision Even Scarier Than You Thought

Swedish Hockey Fans Bombard Player With Dildo Parade

BREAKING: McCain May Have Committed Vehicular Manslaughter in 1964

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 14:31:00 GMT

This could be akin to either a) CBS releasing fake George W. Bush AWOL documents or b) George W. Bush's drunk-driving arrest coming to light the last week of the election and causing him to lose the popular vote.

If it's true, in this case, it means the end of John McCain as a Presidential candidate...

From a Huffington Post e-mail blast at 10:23 this morning:

For the past two months, a major American magazine and an allied news service have been engaged in a legal battle with the United States Navy over records that they believe show that John McCain once was involved in an automobile accident that injured or, perhaps, killed another individual.

Vanity Fair magazine and the National Security News Service claim to have knowledge "developed from first-hand sources" of a car crash that involved then-Lt. McCain in 1964, according to legal filings. Lawyers for the NSNS allege that a cover-up may be at play.

Here's the full story from Sam Stein.

What do you think? Is this a trap to embarrass Obama somehow? A completely baseless rumor? Or do you think it's true?

While You Were Sleeping: Watch Karl Rove Fight Off A Bunch of Hippies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 14:35:00 GMT

Richard Branson and his kids set off from New York at 2 a.m. in an attempt to break the transatlantic speed record by arriving in England in under six days.

What is up with these cop impersonators lately? First, there was the fake cop who pulled over a guy who turned out to be his neighbor, who called the real police on him. Now, in our hometown of Hartford, Connecticut, a couple of phonies pulled over-- you called it-- an actual cop.

A decision was reached in the Britney Spears driving trial...

A mistrial was declared Tuesday in Britney Spears’s misdemeanor trial for driving without a license. The jury was deadlocked 10-2 in favor of the singer’s innocence, the foreman said in open court. “The jury is hopelessly deadlocked, and I declare this a mistrial,” stated Judge James A. Steele. The jury had deliberated for three days... [CelebSpin]

Wait, how the hell could someone actually be innocent of driving without a license? The record shows she didn't have a license, everyone admits she was driving during the time she didn't have a license, and then she goes to trial for it. Someone needs to explain this justice system of ours...

Check out this bizarre incident in which a nutjob hippie lady from San Francisco fails in an attempt to arrest Karl Rove for treason.

Meanwhile, Tina Fey says the trick to playing GOP favorite Sarah Palin is that she glues her ears down. Fey's own, that is...

Related:

Crush of the Week: Adele

Kristen Wiig May Never Get Her Chance to Play Sarah Palin

"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts

The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Sloppy Seconds: Tina Fey's $6M Book Deal

Video of the Day: Using A Cell Phone While Operating A Motor Vehicle

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:40:00 GMT

By the way, this is legal in most US States, including Florida.

Via Fark.com.

Yeah, Um, We'd Rather Not Read About Laura Bush And Oral Sex, Please

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:58:00 GMT

Can someone please read American Wife, the new Primary Colors-style fictionalized account of the life and marriage of First Lady Laura Bush, and let us know the juicy details? Because we'd rather not have to read anymore than we already did...

"He bent his head to kiss my sternum, my navel and belly … to open me up, and he brought his face in and was licking me, he was licking me firmly and repeatedly, and it seemed both difficult to believe (Charlie Blackwell’s face burrowed between my legs?) and also entirely inevitable: beyond logic and language and decorum…. His cheeks between my thighs, his bobbing head, and his earnest assiduous lapping—very quickly, it was too much to bear, and I gasped and cried out. It was like tremors, and I felt my thighs clenching around his head, and when he came up a few seconds later and kissed my forehead, I said, ‘I hope I didn’t suffocate you,’ and he said, ‘I can’t think of a better way to go."

Don't worry, it's not another one of those lovely Scooter Libby or Bill O'Reilly porn books, but... oh donkey spank, it's way worse:

[The] sex scenes, like the one of Bush — sorry, Charlie — finding himself between his wife’s legs. Reading it makes us very uncomfortable, because we like our president unethical and stupid, not horny and giving of himself.

We don't like our President at all, but that might be part of why we don't want to hear about his three-inch boners. Apparently, this is not even the least controversial aspect of Curtis Sittenfeld's book:

Her main character, Alice Blackwell, is a librarian whose husband Charlie finds himself manning the Oval Office. Blackwell learns her grandmother is a lesbian (this is taboo), kills her high school sweetheart at 16 (sort of like Laura did when she was involved in a fatal car accident), sleeps with his brother, finds herself in a family way, and aborts the fetus (this would anger pro-life types, like Laura Bush).

More via Radar/Jossip.

Jesus: Out Of My Dreams and Into My Car?

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 13:44:00 GMT

Earlier this year the South Carolina legislature unanimously decided the state's new license plates would boast a Christian cross and the tagline "I believe."

Not only did the governor approve this measure, but the lieutenant governor offered to put up $4,000 of his own money to ensure that his state would be the first to issue the plates (because we're sure New York, Missouri and California are currently devising ways to beat South Carolina to this).

Now we don't know about you, but we believe that's highly unconstitutional. And so do Americans United for Separation of Church and state, who have filed a federal lawsuit to stop the production of the plates.

The license plate law was passed with a slew of other religious laws in the state, much to the objection of groups like the American Civil Liberties Union and the American Jewish Congress

Maybe we should all be thinking about what Jesus would do in this situation. We imagine he'd suggest, instead, the sale of those plastic license plate frames that sport the "I believe" tagline at every Wal-Mart and gas station in South Carolina.

But like any good followers, South Carolina's politicians now say the plates are "out of their hands."

[NYT: Group Sues to Keep Cross Off Car Plates]

Related:

Does the Establishment Clause Exclude Santa Claus?

The Second Coming: Sin-Free Sex Toys for Christians

Big Church Comes from a Big Family, With Big Boobs and All

Reader "Ahem" a Braver, Hornier Driver Than We Are

Bryan Christian — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Hey, remember yesterday when we said not to have a threeway in a moving car? Yeah, well, Scanner reader Ahem would like to put an asterisk on that rule.

We were a threesome "couple" (trouple?), and luckily both were as thrilled with the idea as I. My GF in the backseat stripped down and crawled over me and into position while my GF in the passenger seat took up the task of steering. I did what I could to both provide and enjoy pleasure while keeping my foot on the gas and my eyes on the road through two very firm thighs.

You know, we're sort of iffy on whether this is actually a threeway, since it doesn't sound like GF#2 is doing anything but driving... but she must have at least, like, rubbed something once or twice, right? Sure.

So huzzah, Ahern, you lucky lucky lucky son of a bitch. (That's one "lucky" for the driving and one each for the girls.) You're totally our Scanner Reader of the Day™!

Just remind us to have cab money handy if we ever meet in person.

Rebecca De Mornay on Probabtion for Drunk Driving

Emily Farris — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 17:02:00 GMT

Rebecca De Mornay was sentenced to three years probation on a drunk driving charge yesterday. She should have just taken the subway. Even if she was in L.A. Rebecca De Mornay plus the subway equals all good.

Holy Crap: Britney Spears Showed Up in Court, Y'all!

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 20:09:00 GMT

We know, we're having a hard time believing it ourselves.

But according to reports, she pulled on some panties (OK, we made that part up), got in her car under the influence of nothing (OK, we made that up, too), drove in a striaght line (also made up), showed up for a deposition and stayed two hours.

Go, Brit!

[Yahoo!: Spears goes to custody case deposition]

[Image via]

The University of Phoenix Does Exist

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 20:02:00 GMT

For real, kids, we drove past it when we were home for Christmas. We meant to rush back and tell you all, but we got so caught up with the Spears family and our computer crashing, it completely skipped our mind. We were reminded when we saw the ad this morning. The University of Phoenix actually does exist. We saw it with our own two eyes!

Whether they have real professors is a whole other story.

It should be noted that "home" is Missouri.

[Image via... you didn't think we'd stop on the highway to actually take a picture, did you?]