Scanner : drunk

On the Dangers of Excess

Colleen Kane — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 21:30:00 GMT

We are never going to win any graceful-lady contests by announcing this, but falling is funny. This video, dubbed "pound for pound, the most fail-packed :08 seconds on the web" by I-am-bored.com, illustrates why.

Video clips like this, as well as funny pictures of animals, are what the Internet is for.

Related:

Drunk Teenagers Have No Respect For the Dead, Other Drunk People

Top 5 Drunk Scenes of American Cinema

See, Dad? Having Tattoos Does Not Make Me a Drunk Slut.

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:18:00 GMT

Do you drunk text even though you shouldn't because it always ends badly? Yeah, so do we. Perhaps that's why we're so amused by Texts From Last Night, a new website that encourages you to submit those drunken texts you sent or received. [TFLN]

A small earthquake hit the Bay Area today. [The Inquisitr]

John Mayer would like everyone to know that he is very single. [Us]

And Miley Cyrus would like you to know that she is not dating Nick Jonas. [People]

Melissa Keeton and Shelly Wolfe were issued the first same-sex marriage license in Iowa today, after the state legalized gay marriage earlier this month. [USA Today]

Some guy we've never heard of is TIME's most influential person of the year. Turns out that though we've never heard of him we were sort-of influenced by him. [TIME]

Watch the trailer for "Partly Private," a documentary about how we view circumcision in the Western World. [Partly Private]

We've probably paid more in fees to Bank of America than we made last year. If you have too, you should tell your story to the SEIU. [ScrewedbyBofA.org]

And that picture had nothing to do with anything in this post. We just thought it was too hilarious to pass up. [Defamer]

Our Weekend Gift to You: Blood Alcohol Calculator

Colleen Kane — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 19:32:00 GMT

Apparently some long-lost relative of mine who goes by the handle Celtic Kane created an online blood alcohol calculator that's become quite popular in the past few days.

The calculator is linked here via Digg's annoying new toolbar thingie that also rose to prominence in the past week, or if you are boycotting that, here at CelticKane.com.

I see one problem: you have to be on a computer to use it. If you're not sure whether you're too drunk to drive, you probably shouldn't be online either. That could result in an unfortunate email getting sent out or a Facebook status getting changed that will prove embarassing tomorrow.

However, as an iPhone app? Genius.

(Sorry for the generic photo above, but if you really want to stop yourself from driving drunk, do a Google image search for "drinking and driving." The only lighthearted photo that came up was also creepy, it was a little boy drinking while on a toy motorcycle, but it was from a website of some 8-year-old kid whose parents chronicle his life online including a long list of high-resolution photos.)

Related:

Consecutive DUIs: Three Times a Lady

Today in the Apocalypse: A 14-Year-Old Girl Did... What?!

Drunk Teenagers Have No Respect For the Dead, Other Drunk People

While You Were Sleeping: Is Lindsay Lohan's Career Over?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The New York Times just figured out that the sexting craze means some teens will go to jail.

This Rob Schneider interview may be the best thing we've read all week. Yeah, we know-- Rob Schneider...

Apple is preparing to raise iTunes download prices to $1.29. We suspect this might have something to do with preparing people for the high price Beatles downloads will be.

An eye for an eye is about to be taken literally in-- you called it-- Iran.

Nice try, IBM-- you want to lay off American workers, outsource to India, and collect stimulus dollars? Hell no.

Four women who dressed as stewardesses and volunteered in the New York City subways to help people get around have been asked to stop by the MTA. As if the MTA is flush for cash and can themselves pay people to provide that service. Morons.

New York finally began the process of fixing the evil/horrible Rockefeller Drug Laws.

Our hero David Byrne has officially ruled out ever playing with the Talking Heads again. Asshole.

Bruce Springsteen saved the famous Glastonbury summer music festival. Angel.

Lindsay Lohan's only unreleased film (at present) is going straight to DVD.

And a schoolteacher showed up drunk to class, blackmailed her students into bumping and grinding with her, then later passed out by a swimming pool.

Teacher In Lesbian Sex Scandal Story Not Helping

Verrry Sloppy Seconds: Because We'd Rather be Drinking and You Know It

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 23:06:00 GMT

We're not going to lie: in case you haven't noticed, the Scanner crew is totally slacking off this week. Sure, we're "networking" and spreading the fire-crotch and brimstone gospel of Scanner across the great state of Texas. But, honestly, after an intense and tiring game of forced couch surfing, drinking too much and recovering from drinking too much, the last thing we want to do is sit down in front of a computer while we watch everyone around us get to continue to drink too much. But we're doing it, a little, because we love you. Next week we'll be back to our real lives, our significant others (well, Scanner Colleen will be, anyway) our pets and far too many hours spent in front of our computers or curled up on the toilet with the lastest Us Weekly. For now, though, let us talk a little too much about South by Southwest and forget the fact that we should be unhealthily concerned with who gave who The Herp. (And if we should have written "who gave whom The Herp.")

Until then, please enjoy this video of George Clooney drunk video blogging.

Damn, a few more and he could have put himself in the running to replace The Hoff as our avatar.

Related:

George Clooney Googles Himself and Then Watches 2 Girls 1 Cup

See, Dad? Having Tattoos Does Not Make Me a Drunk Slut.

#notatsxsw

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sex Lives of the Microfamous

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Lily Allen Invents Another Use for Google

Colleen Kane — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:19:00 GMT

Necessity is the mother of invention, so when Lily Allen found herself lacking certain information about herself last June, she simply Googled.

Lily apparently got so drunk at Glamour's Woman of the Year awards last year that she had to be carried out. The next day she discovered to her post-blackout surprise that she'd brought a party home with her-- with celebs, no less, such as Mark Ronson-- but couldn't remember the details of how she got home.

“But I’d passed out in bed and saw my Glamour award on the floor and thought, ‘How did I get home? I Googled myself," she told the UK's Metro paper. Sounds useful, and also like a nightmare. Sometimes it's good to not be famous.

Related:

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Spoon or Spork: Lily Allen?

And We Thought Throwing Up in a Cab Was Bad

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 22:01:00 GMT

I don't really like doing shots. I can get out of them pretty easily by recounting what happened last time I threw back tequila from a tiny glass: "I tried to make out with a girl and threw up in a cab." But I have nothing on Andy Dick who took bodily functions in automobiles to a whole new level when he was wasted.

“When I drink I turn into a moron,” the former comedian tells Entertainment Tonight. “I think I’m being funny and clever, but I look back on the video tape and I border on retardation. People see me as a very easy target and they just make fun of me. It’s horrible, actually. It’s like making fun of a mentally handicapped person, because I am when I have that much alcohol inside of me.”

So when did he “hit bottom”? “Sitting in the back of the cop car urinating all over myself, crying, blowing my nose into my own shirt,” he recalls. “It was incomprehensible demoralization. I also had in one day, my agent, my manager and my publicist say ‘Sayonara!’ That still didn’t stop me.”

[Via Faded Youth]

Related:

Andy Dick And Steven Page: Today In C-List Celeb Arrests

**"Vote in the Box" Not Nearly as Funny as "D*ck in a Box" But Still Warms Our Hearts**

25-Year-Old Virgin Takes Us One Step Closer to Crazy Cat Lady Status

Emily Farris — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 15:39:00 GMT

We spent the better part of last night drinking too much whiskey and trying (quite unsuccessfully) to convince a 25-year-old virgin to go home with us. We're still a little drunk and a lot disappointed. So as you can imagine, we're going to be a little slow getting the day started. While we take a hot bath and drink lots of green tea (what a week to have switched from coffee to tea!), you should look at these cute cat pictures.

And, yes, he had a beard.

Related:

Kitty Cam is the Only Cure for Our Winter Blues

Scanner Brian May Not Be Posting Lolcats...

Because You Don't Have Enough Lolcats in Your Life, At Least Not Today

Redneck Weddings: Why Don't We Ban This Kind of Marriage?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:20:00 GMT

The most memorable wedding we ever attended took place in the fall of 2001 in Southern Louisiana.

It was twenty minutes before the ceremony and the groom and I were just hitting our drinking groove at a bar in the Garden District of New Orleans. They knew us well enough to know what would come if they continued serving us such stiff drinks, so one of the bartenders demanded we leave-- after all, she was in her bridesmaid's dress and was missing half a shift to attend the festivities, so we were wasting her time.

The groom departed and I was soon left in the otherwise empty bar with my ride, a local homicide detective we'll call W. W. was falling off the stool and dropping his car keys, but I knew he was in total control. "We better hit the road," he mumbled, "The wedding is in fifteen minutes and it's twenty minutes away..."

W. and I got in his unmarked police cruiser and hit the streets, doing at least 85 miles per hour through the red lights-- it was all right, the traffic was moving too slow to hit us and do any damage anyway. At least, that's what I remember thinking.

At some point, W. made the horrendous mistake of trying to maneuver through the French Quarter, which, as usual, was swarming with jaywalking tourists. W. stared at them, never moving a muscle, not even to blink. W. had not said a word since we'd left the drinking hole ten minutes earlier. His concentration was both astonishing and frightening.

At last, he lunged across the driver's seat and yanked open the glove box. I noticed his police-issued handgun resting atop the car's registration. His hand disappeared inside and, out of nowhere, the entire street was filled with a horrible shriek-- like that sound one of the annoying characters in "Dumb and Dumber" makes to signify the most obnoxious sound in the world-- only at least 50 times louder. Seriously, every single person-- we're talking at least one hundred people-- in the vicinity stopped in their tracks and stared. Then, seeing W. glaring back at them, they quickly began to dive out of our way. See, there are perks to riding with the police.

Five minutes later, we were at the VFW hall and threw open the doors in a huff, having made it exactly on time. Unfortunately, we were greeted by a worship session attended by several dozen African-Americans, who were not at all happy to see us barreling in. Whoops-- there must be two VFW halls in the area.

Notice the initials on this one... and the shotgun shells?!

Anyway, by the time we made it to the correct location, the wedding had taken place, most of the guests had left, the booze had run out-- there wasn't any to begin with-- it was banned by the VFW hall-- and, best of all, the bride and groom were having a terrible fight. The bride, who was freshly pregnant, staggered over to us and, with barf breath, gravely intoned:

"Don't ever get married."

P.S. We were kidding with that headline, by the way.

Via Cake Wrecks and many other sources.

Related:

Scanner Roundtable: If Gay Marriage Is Legal, What About Polygamy?

Apparently, Times Square's Seedy Side Moved To Eugene, Oregon...

Mini-Me Makes Up For Size With Stamina In Bed

Today in "The Sun Made This Up": Raccoon Bites Man's Manhood

Colleen Kane — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 18:40:00 GMT

Scanner is turning into the Castration Station today, what with this story and Emily's post. But what do you expect from monstrous feminists?

So, the British rag The Sun claims that a drunk man was trying to have a go at a racoon. You know, the old raping-the-racoon trick? According to the story, the fiesty raccoon fought back, biting the man's penis.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," according to a pal of the man.

OK, here's a few reasons why this story seems dubious.

--Sex with a raccoon? Wouldn't this drunk man have to catch the raccoon first?

--The man in question, Alexander Kirilov, is conveniently Russian, making it difficult for English-only speakers to confirm the story. A Google News search leads to a handful of stories about this in Italian, Czechoslovakian, and Norwegian, but none in Russian.

--Anyone can alert The Sun to a story tip via text message. Anyone can text message from anywhere, including from a pub whilst pinted up.

On the other hand, here's a reason it could be true: people are dumb.

These Elderly Widows Like Old Movie Plots, the Good Life, and Murder

Drunk Teenagers Have No Respect For the Dead, Other Drunk People

The Whole World Would Get Naked In The Rain For Spencer Tunick

Scanner Highs and Lows: Friday Night Lit

Emily Farris — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 04:59:00 GMT

Because sometimes blogging is more fun when you're drunk...

Highs:

Fuck yeah, Ryan Gosling! Fuck YEAH!

PETA's sea kittens cracked us up in a totally we're-not-taking-you-seriously way. We think.

Boobs. Hilarious, spinning boobs.

Turns out we're not the only ones who haven't seen Star Wars.

We found the funniest graphic ever.

And the hariest bush ever.

We considered the hilarity that would result from Cindy McCain appearing on "Dancing With the Stars."

Mmm. Beards. Bears. Beards and food.

We played a fun little game.

We found the cutest video so far this year.

Or wait, was this it?

Lows:

Turns out we just moved to the worst city for dating, ever.

So then we broke down and twat. What? Yeah.

We were thrilled and creeped out by the Filipino Obama.

Turns out not all Swedes are hot. WTF?

We found our new weight loss strategy: read this every time we're hungry.

We found yet another reason to fight for socialized healthcare everywhere.

We hope we didn't say goodbye to the beard.

We were glad to say goodbye to these Golden Globe hairstyles.

Um, hometown pride?

We experienced the winter blues.

We still don't know what to make of all this.

We got into it with Sarah Palin.

Lower:

Amy Winehouse.

While You Were Sleeping: Laura Croft To Get Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 14:02:00 GMT

How is that we haven't found a reason to share this clip of Ryan Seacrest trying to high-five a blind American Idol contestant?

The former director of faith-based initiatives for the state of Ohio was busted for operating an online prostitution ring.

If you're a high school sports coach and you're going to text an underage girl, try not to do it while you're in the same room as your wife, who is hanging out with one of her parents. Okay?

The guy who killed Oscar Grant pled... not guilty.

Hey, Rhode Island: did you know prostitution is legal indoors in your state?

What do you do if your video game isn't hot anymore? Have your main character walk around naked, which is apparently the plan for the next edition of Tomb Raider.

And 90210's latest attempt to boost its ratings is a guest appearance by Diablo Cody, pictured above.

Drunkard Tells Brad Pitt He's Ugly

Colleen Kane — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 22:40:00 GMT

In continuing Golden Globes scuttlebutt, a drunken partygoing woman at HBO's afterparty told Brad Pitt he was ugly in his new movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Imagine waking up the next day to remember you'd done that?! (You're right; it would be pretty awesome.)

The details might be fuzzy for the perpetrator, but here's how it went down, according to the Daily Mail.

First she rambled about how Brad's aging makeup in the film made him look "ugly as a dog." Brad politely explained it was a necessary evil for the film, while the woman watched him closely, then declared, "And you should definitely shave that goatee because it looks just horrible."

Exit stage left, Brad's pals all have a laugh, everybody knows Brad Pitt will never be ugly, annnnnd: scene.

Sloppy Seconds: What's Wrong With This Picture Of Brad Pitt?

Sloppy Seconds: What? You Didn't Know Barack Obama and Brad Pitt Were Cousins?

Arousal Brings Out the Creep in Many Dudes

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:10:00 GMT

We all know that alcohol can make men do stupid things. Now science has proven that boners are even worse for our judgment...

According to Predictably Irrational: The Hidden Forces That Shape Our Decisions, a book by MIT professor Dan Ariely, in a new paperback edition, explores "Why Hot Is Much Hotter Than We Realize." We don't even know what that means, since we all but failed high school science classes. We'll let Professor Ariely explain, via a summation on The Book Outline Wiki page:

The author and his partner conducted a series of experiments on Berkeley students (no, not those sort of experiments, silly.) Asking them a series of questions-- first, straight; then, after the undergraduates had worked themselves into a state of arousal.

- The results show that people simply don't realize how different their decision-making is during a state of arousal. A few representative results
  - Can you imagine having sex with a 60-year-old woman
    - Sober: 7%
    - Aroused: 23%
  - Could you enjoy having sex with someone you hated?
    - Sober: 53%
    - Aroused: 77%
  - Is just kissing frustrating?
    - Sober: 41%
    - Aroused: 69%
  - Would you slip a woman a drug to increase the chance she'd have sex with you?
    - Sober: 5%
    - Aroused: 26%
  - Would you use a condom even if you were afraid that a woman might change her mind while you went to get it?
    - Sober: 86%
    - Aroused: 60%
- Implications
  - Someone may promise to just say no, but that promise is less likely to hold up during a state of arousal

Via Book Outline Wiki.

Top 5 Drunk Scenes of American Cinema

Scanner Matt — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 19:47:00 GMT

In honor of the 75th anniversary of the end of Prohibition we present to you the Top 5 Drunk Scenes of American Cinema.

Do film junkies argue best inebriated sequences in a movie? They should.

We found it difficult to narrow down our list (dramatic? funniest? sexiest?), so we mainly went with our favorites and realized a list of top 5 drunk sex scenes should be a completely different (and forthcoming) post.

And we of course invite your hat tips and outrage concerning our picks. This should be a much-debated subject.

5. Easy Rider

Jack Nicholson’s Arm-Twitchin’ Swig

We’ll start with a young Nicholson’s “first drink of the day” from his breakout role in Easy Rider. He is not completely drunk yet in this scene, but on his way, besides this whole movie is filled with chemical abuse.

4. The Big Lebowski

Lebowski Crashes His Car

We love this scene. It already feels like a classic. Arguably Jeff Bridges’ best role (sorry Fisher King). Drinking, driving and smoking grass all at the same time.

3. The Lost Weekend

The Drunken Freak-Out

It’s known as the first American “bender” movie and is filled with some great wasted freak-out moments, but this is our favorite: It’s 1945 and you’re having liquor-induced hallucinations.

2. Animal House

Belushi vs. Folk

This whole movie should count as one drunk scene, but we just picked our favorite as violence outbursts and inebriation sometimes go hand and hand.

1. Old School

Will Farrel Running Down the Street Drunk and Naked

Is this really the number one drunk scene in American movie history? Probably not, but it is today.

Stayed tuned for Top 5 Drunk Sex Scenes

Related:

Top 3 Reasons "Twilight" Isn't Cool…or Sexy... or Worth Your $10

Top 5 Nude Scenes of 2008

Top 5 Chase Scenes

Normal 0

Reading Under the Influence

Scanner Matt — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:19:00 GMT

They say the two surviving enterprises in a spiraling economy are books and booze. People usually skip the vacation and the fancy nights out in rough times to stay home, cuddle up with a good book and get trashed. So why not give the people what they want for the holidays? Whether your friends and family are heavy readers or heavy drinkers here are some great book and booze pairings to give as (affordable) gifts.

The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway and a bottle of Pernod

If one author comes to mind when talking about drinking and writing it's certainly Papa. This book is a favorite of ours, filled with big questions and underlying themes it's also an escapist fantasy into Europe. The characters drink Absynthe too in this book, but the real stuff is hard to come by and Pernod is delicious and won't make you crazy.

The Long Goodbye by Raymond Chandler and a bottle of gin.

The Portable Dorothy Parker by Dorothy Parker... and a bottle of gin.

While some claim The Big Sleep is Chandler's best work, other's say The Long Goodbye might be the pinnacle of 1950's pulp crime fiction. Chandler's protagonist and devout gin drinker, Detective Philip Marlowe, actually popularized the gimlet in America with this book. Chandler even shares a recipe in the novel: "A real Gimlet is half gin and half Rose's Lime Juice and nothing else. It beats martinis hollow."

Dorothy Parker would disagree, she was a devout martini lush as some say and knew how to party. She's also one of the funniest American writers we have, from short stories to poetry to essays and reviews. We believe she was a Beefeater girl herself.

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald and a bottle of your favorite bourbon

We know they made everyone read it in high school, but have you gave it a second glance? It could be the most genius American soap opera ever written. The characters drink mint juleps to keep cool in the summertime, but what's wrong with a little minty flavor (peppermints, candy canes etc... ) around the holidays? And of course bourbon is a must, though it doesn't have to be your grandfather's dusty bottle of J&B. (Faulkner was mint julep guy too.)

This is an easy one: Any Russian author and a bottle of vodka

Everyone has a classic Russian book they've always wanted read, whether it's Tolstoy's War and Peace, Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment or Nabokov's Lolita, (and if you're looking for a more recent book try Russian-American author Gary Shteyngart, who is brilliantly raunchy and hilarious in Russian Debutantes Hand Book and Absurdistan. As for the vodka, that's your choice. We prefer Grey Goose, but Smirnoff never killed anybody (maybe) and Stolichnaya is super Russian.

If you're feeling particularly generous this holiday season you can also include a pack of cigarettes with your gift.

Related:

Researchers Shocked and Appalled to Find Young People Use Drugs and Alcohol to Enhance Sex

Don't Miss: The State of the Union Drinking Game!

A Case of Mistaken Hard Lemonade

Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:51:00 GMT

Because it's real damn difficult to find a picture of a female in a sexy vicar's costume...

The Church of England has barred the Reverend Teresa Davis from practicing her craft for 12 years, following a tribunal that found her to have violated her vows.

The Reverend made the terrible mistake-- not of going to France and participating in a swingers weekend, not of showing up drunk at her church on a Sunday-- rather, for telling everyone she could get ahold of about all of it...

Mrs Davies was said to have told two church colleagues at a Christmas lunch in 2006 that she and her husband had spent holidays without their children in the South of France, in an area that she said was noted for “the casual exchange of sexual partners”.
The tribunal also heard that Mrs Davies, 37, and her husband had posted under the name “Tess and Mick, Daventry” on swinging websites.

Having sobered up enough to have a moment of clarity, Davies told another member of the clergy that maybe she had said too much. And indeed, although she admitted to the whole thing while facing the London tribunal, they were unforgiving.

The tribunal said: “Clergy who commit sexual misconduct have to be dealt with firmly and in a way which would protect those who could be harmed if the respondent were otherwise allowed to remain in ministry.”
It added that she still had no appreciation of the seriousness of the findings against her, or of the damage caused. [Times Online]

Come on over stateside, Reverend. They'll love you in Middle America...

Related:

Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

This Baptist Minister Thinks You Should Be Having More Sex

Meet 16-Year-Old Missy Quinn and Her £16,000 Wedding Dress

While You Were Sleeping: When MySpace Attacks...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:52:00 GMT

An eldery woman in Evanston, Illinois couldn't bear to part with her three siblings after their deaths. Turns out, she decided to keep their bodies in her home...and got away with it for a quarter of a century.

Natalie Portman was kinda wasted on the Letterman show the other night.

One of our favorite country music legends has lung cancer...

Country singer Merle Haggard, recently diagnosed with lung cancer, had part of a lung removed and is recovering at home, his spokeswoman said on Sunday. [Yahoo!]

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson... not totally broken up?

As if MySpace wasn't going downhill already: now it's censoring one of the only pages anyone would ever actually sign in to MySpace to read.

A nationwide protest of California's Proposition 8 will take place on Saturday the 15th. Do not miss this.

And Nicole Kidman is playing "the world's first post-op transsexual," who is married to a woman played by "Charlize Theron." Yum.

Related:

How The World Watches Porn Now

Top 5 Sex Scenes Featuring Nicole Kidman

Top 5 Sex Scenes From "Chick Flicks"

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Comedies

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Get Scurrred

Sloppy Seconds: Phillies Fan Gives Her Team A Big Boost

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:29:00 GMT

Vietnam believes small chests are unhealthy and that thin people shouldn't operate motor vehicles. Believe it or not, this is a health initiative.

T.I. voted in Georgia, despite being a convicted felon and a guy we didn't think would ever show up to vote.

This top 10 list of "Things I Hate Absolutely Hate About Heteronormative Dating" doesn't always hit the nail on the head, but these entries we can agree with:

3. If you show emotion too early on or too much of it, you are needy.

8. If you have sex too early you ruined it.

9. If you don't have sex early on you are a prude.

The rest can be found here.

A man stole a male "enhancement" cream (in quotes because it doesn't do anything-- or so we've heard, we swear), tried it out in the store's bathroom, failed to satisfy himself, checked out the Barbie dolls, exposed himself in the aisle, and returned to the bathroom to try again. Yep, that's pretty much all there is to that story.

This guy is either drunk or a McCain campaign worker trying to muck things up.

That naughty Shakira... she made everything think she was pregnant, but it turned out it was just a publicity stunt for her new album. Blah.

And today's Miss CoEd at CoEd magazine is Erika Nicole, who really wants the Phillies to win tonight, so much show that she's willing to leak dozens of photos of herself in very little clothing to give the team a morale, um, boost.

Related:

Leryn Franco Makes Up For Missing Out On The Whole "Nude Olympians Craze"

...Shakira Allegedly Rocked Yacht With Two Dudes And A Camera

Hollywood Directors Lend McCain a Hand

Throbbing Hearts Can Get Kind of Messy

Sloppy Seconds: Which Olsen Twin Would Like You to Put a Baby in Her?

While You Were Sleeping: Playboy Kills the DVD

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 15:06:00 GMT

Rudy Ray Moore, aka "Dolemite," passed away.

Billy Baldwin's co-star says his wife is a lucky man because Baldwin is one helluva kisser. This is his transsexual mistress-playing co-star, which makes it all the better.

Good Lord, Tom Arnold is absolutely wasted in this video... how ever did it get on the airwaves? Even if those airwaves are over the internet?

Thanks, Elizabeth!

Sorry, Londoners: Paris Hilton is considering a move to your turf.

Gillian Anderson gave birth to her third child.

CNN's breaking news this morning: Americans are angry, stressed. We also just found out that Americans enjoy alcoholic beverages, vehicles, and vast sums of money. Thanks, CNN.

And Playboy has said it will discontinue the DVD in favor of online-only content.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Spitzer May Have Found the Perfect "Sleazy Guy" Job

Scully Wants Mulder To Die Masturbating in "X-Files 3"

Caption This: Paris Hilton Wants You to Want Her

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Cheerleaders Make Sports Watchable Again

While You Were Sleeping: Sasha Grey's Shot At The Mainstream

Man Charged After Drunken Sex Leaves Woman Dead

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 13:41:00 GMT

A man is charged with murder in St. Paul, Minnesota after a one-night stand gone wrong. Barely even news these days, right?

Of course, if you're seeing it here, it is. The man, Michael Carrasco Sontoya, faces 40 years in prison for having what many believe was consensual, drunken sex that involved fisting and anal sex. The victim, 31-year-old Gabriel Patricia Romo, was found in her home the next morning, having bled to death. But she had no stab or gunshot wounds, signs of struggle, or any other indications of murder. So what the hell happened here?

According to the local Fox affiliate, Sontoya told police he may have torn the woman's vaginal walls while having intercourse, but police find it suspicious there was no blood on Sontoya's thighs. Also, there were strange signs of blood having been cleaned up, plus blood on some shoelaces found in Romo's closet. Sontoya explained the situation: the couple had had 90 minutes of vaginal and anal sex, which included Sontoya sticking his fist inside of Romo, then got up and noticed Romo was bleeding.

He said he cleaned himself off in the bathroom while Romo cleaned up her vomit on the floor.
Sontoya then said the two went to sleep before we woke up, realized the situation, called his brother and called 911. Sontoya’s brother is a Ramsey County deputy, who advised him to call police.

What do you think? Did Sontoya fall asleep, thinking the bleeding was minor, and woke up to find Romo dead and that's it? Or did he let Romo die (or even willed it somehow) and cleaned up after himself? Or something in between? Whatever the case may be, we hate to have to be the jury on Sontoya's murder trial... this ain't gonna be easy...

Woman Busted For Videotaping Her Underage Sex Crime

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West's Arrest

San Francisco Street Fair Would Make The Marquis de Sade Proud

Man Buys Camera On Ebay, Finds Treasure Trove Of MI6 Secret Documents

Man Claims He Was Robbed By Gang Of Topless Women

Hero of the Day: Dad Who Killed A Sex Offender Turned Home Invader

Meghan McCain Needs Your Help (File Under: Tattoos)

Emily Farris — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 16:09:00 GMT

No, no. She's not getting that "I heart Barack" tattoo she got when she was drunk removed from her ass. At least not yet, anyway. No, Meghan McCain needs help deciding what she's going to get next.

Meghan already has a little blue star on her foot (blue, eh?) but she's ready for another; now she just needs to decide what to get:

Spies overheard Meghan, author of the new Simon & Schuster children's book "My Dad, John McCain," chatting about her love of body art with her editor, Mark McVeigh, who sports 11 tats. "I'm not sure what I'll get next, just that I know I want to get another tattoo after the election in November," Meghan confided. "And I'm always up for hearing a good suggestion."

One way to do it is to get drunk. That makes the decision so much easier for most people. But coming from someone who has a lot of tattoos, the only advice we can offer is: do what we do and don't get it anywhere that will stretch in a few years.

[NYP via Radar]

Related:

McCain Blogette: Hot or Not?

Who Would You Rather: Chelsea or McCain's Blogette?

Sloppy Seconds: Are Lindsay and Sam Finally, Really Engaged?

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 21:37:00 GMT

Barack Obama will be back on Saturday Night Live. Dear God, please, please, please let him play Sarah Palin. Nude. [Us]

And apparently now that Obama is involved, SNL is a "cult" Comedy Show. Who knew? [Yahoo!]

It seems that recently-divorced Pink is the latest victim of Scientology. [Yeeeah]

Just one day after Kanye West's outburst with the paparazzi that led to his arrest, he would like you to know he's totes cool with the paps. [People]

How are the McCain's like a drag queen? Why they stuff the "bad" bits (read: adopted Bangladeshi daughter) away. We didn't even know they had an adopted Bangladeshi daughter, did you? [Queerty]

We agree; Us Weekly's list of the top 25 most stylish New Yorkers is whack. [MollyGood]

According to the ever-reputable New York Post, Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are as good as engaged. We better get an invite. We have a dress we've been dying to wear to a wedding. [NYP]

You Know Your Wedding Was A Blast When You Were Both Tasered... Twice

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:48:00 GMT

We know it's still technically wedding season, but that doesn't explain why the last week or two has brought us some of the most insane wedding stories since the dawn of time. This time, however, we think we've found the one tale that will stand the test of time...

Because, seriously, how could a party this wild not be worth traveling, getting dressed up, and slipping the bride and groom a couple bucks?

1) Receptions can get out of hand, and often the police need to be called to clear the place out if it's 3:30 in the morning and staff overtime wasn't in the budget. But rarely do they get so out of hand that police officers from 14 precincts and departments arrive and taser the hell out of the bride and groom, then arrest them and make them spend their wedding nights in separate jail cells:

"The short version of the story is they didn't want to quit their partying," said Mike Sepic, Berrien County, Mich., chief assistant prosecutor. "If you put this in the class of wedding receptions gone bad, I guess this would take the cake."

2) Yuk, yuk. Also arrested that night, thanks to their interference in the arrests of the relatives, the groom's father, aunt, cousin, and uncle, each of whom ended up paying $450 and pleading to lesser charges.

3) The fairytale beach wedding turned ugly when Tom Burnison, co-owner of the gallery in which the reception was taking place, got angry with a reveler who tried to break a plate-glass window with one of his lamps. Burnison called the police, who trickled in and were allegedly met by angry, "cursing" guests:

"[The groom] got angry and started yelling, 'What are you doing? This is my wedding! You're making my wife cry!' " Skowron said. "The crowd was trying to hold back the groom from mouthing off more, but finally he broke free, and they had to take him down," Sepic said of police. "He was heading for the officers. . . . Then the bride moved in and tried to interfere."

4) What happened next, as the wedding photographer agrees, represents a total police overreaction and lends credence to the movement against the use of Tasers on unarmed civilians: as the groom was knocked to the ground, his wife held on to him; because of this, she ended getting shocked when he got shocked. The whole party quickly fell apart, and the unhappy couple were hauled off to the pen.

5) The coda to all this and what makes the story so memorable is the little paragraph the Chicago Sun Times failed to elaborate on:

Two nights later, the bride and groom were again arrested in Michigan -- and again shocked by a stun gun -- after struggling with police investigating a noise complain... The groom was charged with pushing his new wife down during that incident, but the charge was later dropped as part of a plea bargain...

6) What happened? Were they beating the crap out of each other? Arguing over whose fault it was their reception ended in disaster? We'd really rather have heard that these two went on to fifty years of a pain-free marriage, made all the stronger by the stormy wedding day. Two friends of ours were just married in New York and their honeymoon was similarly full of chaos: from car breakdowns to spider attacks to being locked out of their suite on the one night they had it reserved... and so on. But as their relatives reminded them, "Most great marriages had auspicious starts..."

Let's hope the same goes for these two... because things couldn't have gotten off to a worse start, no?

Photo and excerpts from the Chicago Sun-Times.

Engagement Party Ends In Cheating, Beating, Arrest, No Makeup Sex

Weddings From Hell: A Photo Essay

What's It Like Being The Husband Of A Porn Star?

Sloppy Seconds: Identical Twins Marry

Warning: Do Not Marry "Theater People"

George W. Bush: Master of Disaster

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 12:50:00 GMT

Oh boy... all right, tell us... what did Turd Brain say this time?

The American leader, who has been condemned throughout his presidency for failing to tackle climate change, ended a private meeting with the words: "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."
He then punched the air while grinning widely, as the rest of those present including Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy looked on in shock.
Mr Bush, whose second and final term as President ends at the end of the year, then left the meeting at the Windsor Hotel in Hokkaido where the leaders of the world's richest nations had been discussing new targets to cut carbon emissions.

Ah, this guy is the Master of Satire. Oh wait, he wasn't being satirical-- he's just writing every Daily Show lead-in without even trying. Remember this classic, from '04?

One pictured Mr Bush looking under a piece of furniture in the Oval Office, at which the president remarked: "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be here somewhere."
After another one, showing him scouring the corner of a room, Mr Bush said: "No, no weapons over there," he said.
And as a third picture, this time showing him leaning over, appeared on the screen the president was heard to say: "Maybe under here?"

Keep it up, Bushie, just don't tell a joke of this style ~~at a soldier's funeral~~ or anything. Whoops! [Blacked out by the Pentagon. - Ed.]

Via the Telegraph.

Gov. Declares Emergency: Man Stuck To A Port-A-Potty

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 21:01:00 GMT

A thirty-one-year-old man, who luckily has not been named in AP reports and has therefore escaped eternal shame, had to be pried from a Port-A-Potty this week by an entire Pennsylvania rescue crew.

Of course, there's more:

Police say the man had been drinking and had taken off his clothes. Somehow, he immersed himself in the holding tank.
Deputy fire commissioner Chris Miller told WPMT-TV, "I've been on the job in one form or fashion for 21 years, and this is the first port-a-potty rescue I've ever had."

We're not sure, but rumor has it that he was at a Hannah Montana show, where the sight of a Miley Cyrus backless photo sent him into a fit of sexual mania. Okay, we made that up, but we're really not sure why this guy was gluing himself to Port-A-Potty while drunk and naked. In an unrelated story, the woman glued to her Kansas toilet seat for two years proposed marriage via carrier pigeon.

Talk about adding insult to injury. After freeing the poor boozer, they charged him with public drunkenness and violating the health code (for the nudie part, of course.)

Via the AP.

Previously: Woman Takes Two Year Dump, Does Not Get Dumped.

Spoon or Spork: Lily Allen?

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:09:00 GMT

We like Lily Allen, we really do. Her music is catchy and she seems like the kind-of girl we'd want to get drunk with at the pub then sneak off to eat our weight in Yorkshire pudding.

So we felt really bad for her a few months ago when she miscarried, then we got strangely excited for her when her naked cliff jumping pictures appeared all over the interwebs. Though we were less excited that she had dyed her hair all blonde for that jumping adventure, we're surprisingly okay with the pink (even though we generally hate pink hair) she chose for Glamour's Women of the Year Awards last night.

But... everyone has bad nights, and Allen is probably still recovering from hers.

Cute shoes! And hey, it looks like she won an award. Way to go, girl!

It also looks like she's probably feeling pretty fucking hungover today.

So clearly she could use a little TLC. Does she just need some good cuddling or could she use a good poke? In other words, spoon or spork? Everyone knows what “spooning” is so we need not repeat the obvious, but “sporking” is a whole other beast. Sporking is a good spooning that turns into a great porking—thus the name.

[The Sun: Drink and you'll end up like this]

Spoon or Spork: Hillary Clinton

Spoon or Spork: Tori Spelling

Spoon or Spork: Cindy McCain?

Spoon Or Spork: Amy Winehouse

See, Dad? Having Tattoos Does Not Make Me a Drunk Slut.

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 May 2008 17:31:00 GMT

Our dad cut us off when we came home from New York at age 19 with a lower back tattoo and a lip piercing. Maybe he thought we were joining the ranks of drunk sluts. And maybe in his day that kind-of reason might have applied. But not anymore. Not too long ago — and today in many circles — tattoed and pierced women were perhaps perceived as a little slutty. Even a recent study found that women with piercings and tattoos were viewed by college students as "more sexually active and more heavily drinking (and less attractive) than their peers. In fact, these students assume women with three tattoos (on the arm, hip, and ankle) chug eight drinks in a night out, versus only four for women with no ink."

Eight?! We'd say more like 5, but anyway...

That theory has been somewhat debunked by the fact that soccer moms sport tattoos (or "tramp stamps") these days — even if they were slutty in college. But a tattoo doesn't make you anything but tattooed.

We think the real point here is that tattoos and piercings don't make us drunk sluts; we were drunk sluts long before we were pierced and tattooed. Not necessarily because we got something(s) pierced or inked when drunk (come on, who hasn't?), but because, as the author of the Psychology Today article pointed out in an email, "sensation seeking and promiscuity are correlated with body modification, and sensation seeking is correlated with alcohol use."

Yes. We like sensation. Don't you? Actually, we love tattoo pain. It's the most empowering kind-of pain as far as we're concerned, probably because it's not very deep and it's self-imposed.

Do you like tattoo pain? And are you a drunk slut? (Just joking about the slut part.)

[Psychology Today: Your Skin is Your Canvas]

[Image]

Scanner Peer Mentoring Program: Amy Winehouse

Emily Farris — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:33:00 GMT

We've been thinking we should use our power here at Scanner for some good every once in a while, so we decided to start a peer mentoring program where we take troubled young women off of the street and match them up with positive female role models (no, not us, we're still drunk from last night).

Our first case is a young lady by the name of Amy Winehouse. Perhaps you've seen her wandering the streets in her bra talking jibberish?

Well, we think there's one lady out there who can set Amy straight, while still encouraging her to see all the good in herself.

Seriously, we're kind-of surprised no one has thought of this yet. Wouldn't Dolly be the perfect role model for Amy? And the end of recovery could be this really amazing duet TV special, "Scaner Gives Back."

[Previously: Girl Crush of the Day: Dolly Parton]

[Image, Image]

Lindsay Lohan: "It's like, what was I thinking?"

Emily Farris — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 17:42:00 GMT

Lindsay looks back on 2007 in February's Bazar, "It's like, what was I thinking?" Our thoughts exactly, Lindsay.

[Yahoo!: Lohan: 'It's like, what was I thinking?']