Scanner : drunk driving

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

6 Tips on Cheating And Getting Away with It

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

Today in the Apocalypse: 17-Year-Old MADD Volunteer Hosts Quiet Gathering...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 17:52:00 GMT

Katie Rees, Miss Nevada USA 2007, who was stripped of her crown following this and other "scandalous photos"

Let me tell you something about Hartford, Connecticut, the city, I, Scanner Brian was born in.

Actually, better yet, let's not tell you anything about Hartford, Connecticut, because it would just be a waste of space after you read this story. Anything I tell you about Hartford will be brutally shoved aside after you read about one 17-year-old Miss Connecticut Outstanding Teen, a volunteer with Mothers Against Drunk Dumbasses, decided to do with her Saturday night when her parents went out of town.

If you think it's entertain little orphan boys with stories from award-winning children's authors, well...

Rachael Ramonas competed in the Miss America's Outstanding Teen competition in Florida this past summer, returning home without the ultimate title. Perhaps she was disappointed by her defeat and decided that, instead of continuing to volunteer with MADD, she would stop being an Outstanding Teen the minute her parents left her goody-two-shoes self at home for the weekend.

On Saturday night, cops arrested two dozen underage drinkers at the home of Miss Ramonas. Reports indicate that most of the kids were beyond wasted-- although, since Ramonas is a juvenile, cops can't say whether she was one of them, or even if she was arrested at all. According to this source:

Officers responding to an anonymous call about underage drinking Saturday night found beer, rum and items commonly used for a drinking game called beer pong. [AP News]

Luckily, no one was arrested for DWI's, so there's at least that bit of sanity... although we doubt she could've kept an eye on all 24-plus peeps who had vehicles to make sure they didn't further embarrass her or reveal some sort of "hypocrisy."

Related:

Today in the Apocalypse: A 14-Year-Old Girl Did... What?!

This Drummer Will Be Your Cabana Boy...If the Price is Right

Drunk Teenagers Have No Respect For the Dead, Other Drunk People

Today in the Apocalypse: A 14-Year-Old Girl Did... What?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 17:19:00 GMT

This story is so disturbing, it has us worried about the next two generations...

A 14-year-old New Zealand girl was arrested earlier this week for driving drunk-- and that's just the beginning of the story. When her breathalyzer tests were released by police, it turned out she had a blood-alcohol level more than six times the legal limit. And there's more:

Acting Sergeant Kevin Crawford told the Northern Advocate the girl, who was four months pregnant, was stopped after her driving caught police attention.

She allegedly gave a false name and had difficulty spelling it.

She was forbidden to drive and taken to Whangarei police station, where she recorded a breath-alcohol level of 828mcg. The legal limit for drivers under 20 is 150mcg and driving licences are not issued to people under 15.

The girl would be referred to Youth Aid, Mr Crawford said. [Stuff.co.nz]

So, to recap: this wasn't some random checkpoint bust or a case of the cops pulling someone over for a broken tailight and then discovering the problem-- she was driving erratically, putting more than just two lives in danger. She tried to get out of it by using a fake name, which she couldn't even spell. And she didn't even have a driver's license to begin with-- who the hell gave her their car keys?!

Frightening.

Republican Spawn Will Taunt and Taint Our Nation's Hope

Redneck Weddings: Why Don't We Ban This Kind of Marriage?

O No! O Magazine's Warning to Waxers

Sloppy Seconds: What Does LiLo Have Against ScarJo?

Emily Farris — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:09:00 GMT

We love Brian Williams and we love food courts (our first job was at Chinese Delight in the Independence Center, yo) so it should come as no surprise that we really love that NBC's Brian Williams loves to eat in food courts. [Parade]

Disney meal ticket Miley Cyrus was killed by a drunk driver over the weekend. Except totally not at all! [MTV]

Michael Jackson is being sued by the future king of Bahrain after Jackson supposedly backed out of a recording contract. [Radar]

How much fashion is really involved in the Victoria's Secret fashion show? Because we just see lots of skin. [NY Daily News]

Did you know that Scarlett Johansson was the inspiration behind Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl?" [People]

Could that be why Lindsay Lohan is no fan of Scarlett Johansson. Probably not. Two years after LiLo wrote some nasty words about ScarJo on a New York bathroom stall, Johansson still has no idea why LiLo hates her. [Us]

While You Were Sleeping: The Facebook Firing

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:51:00 GMT

It became apparent that a Boston-area football coach was stealing from the school's uniform fund when he made an ATM withdrawal of $500 at 1am while standing next to a strip club.

A teacher in a Daytona-area school district was busted for some sleazy motel sex with her seventeen-year-old male charge.

Miss Louisiana Teen USA lost her title in the most embarrassing way imaginable: for skipping out on a restaurant check (what, they don't pay you enough, toots?) and, adding arrest to injury, leaving her marijuana behind.

David Duchovny filed a lawsuit over that tennis-pro-cheating bullshit story.

We always knew there'd eventual be a news story about some dummy getting busted by their boss for revealing, via a Facebook status update, that they are not actually "sick at home."

[H]e was found out when his boss spotted this Facebook profile update on the day in question, August 21: "Kyle Doyle is not going to work, f*** it I'm still trashed. SICKIE WOO!"

Ha ha, dickweed. Speaking of dickweeds, this guy claimed he was on his way to see Beyonce and that's why a cop shouldn't arrest him for driving like a drunk driver.

A Florida website about politics: "Top 5 reasons McCain could still win." No mention of what our #1 reason would be: "FLORIDA."

Related:

I Wasn't Going to Live Blog the Debate...

World's Greatest Mom Defends Daughter's Honor... Shotgun Style

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Cheerleaders Make Sports Watchable Again

12-Year-Old Boy Gets Arrested For Attacking Pregnant Teacher, Threatening To Kill Her

Junior High Teacher Charged With... Oh My...

While You Were Sleeping: Beyonce Is One Sexy Cop

While You Were Sleeping: Mike Myers Is An Inglorious Bastard

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Is there any reason to shoot yourself in the arm? For one man, not getting laid is reason enough.

If you happen to spot a tour bus belonging to The Kills, please contact the Feds.

And the verdict on the Apple iTunes store's fate...

Bowing to mounting pressure from the multimedia giant, the Washington, D.C.-based Copyright Royalty Board declined a request from the aforementioned NMPA to increase song royalties from 9 cents to 15 cents on songs purchased through iTunes and other digital retailers, according to CNN.com.
The decision was the board's first on digital downloads and will set royalty rates for the next five years.

A spokesperson for Apple had hinted that the company thought the six-cent hike would mean the store would operate at a loss and that Apple would close it down if that occurred. How much of this was talk, we'll never know...

Apparently, CHANGE stands for Come Help A Nigga Get Elected... according to one racist assmunch of a teacher in Florida. (His words, not ours.)

Drunk driving isn't funny. Except when it's a local newscaster intentionally playing Demolition Derby with parked Acura sedans and refusing a police order to get out of the car with your open bottle of vodka.

In related WTF news, a woman was kicked out of a Mothers Against Drunk Driving booth... because the injuries she received thanks to a drunk driver were too disturbing.

Looks like Mike Myers and Brad Pitt are the stars of Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards. This'll either be genius or terrible, as there's no way it can be in between.

Speaking of Brad Pitt, his wife Angelina Jolie appeared in public for the first time since giving birth to the celebrity baby seen above. Apparently, she's suffering from post-partum depression, but was "all smiles" at a film premiere in New York last night.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: How Did DJ A.M. and Travis Barker Survive Their Plane Crash?

While You Were Sleeping: The Playboy Selection Process

Today in WTF? Flirting Women Blamed for Rape

Naked Women of Curling... 2008!

Today in WTF: Virtual Boob Groping

Man Claims He Was Robbed By Gang Of Topless Women

Gary Coleman Hit a Man, With a Truck, at a Bowling Alley

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:08:00 GMT

Yep. It was bound to happen. Sort of suprised it hadn't happen sooner, or more often. Gary Coleman hit a dude with his car after the guy wouldn't stop bothering him for photos of Coleman and his wife. Stranger that it happened in Payson, Utah of all places. Does Gary Coleman live in Utah?

Yes! He does!

Apparently there were "indications" that alcohol was a factor in the accident, but no citations have been issued. Looks like if you move all the way to Utah for some peace and quiet, God help anyone who invades your privacy.

But in other news, nice to see things with Coleman and the wifey are improved.

College President Who Stopped Student From Drinking From Broken Keg Resigns

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:32:00 GMT

You know we're kidding when we used the words "stopped" and "broken" in that headline, right?

College President (not the student-elected kind) Robert Paxton was at a July 4th lake party when he was caught in the above photo helping a lovely young lass with her beverage:

"If you want to know the truth, the thing was broken," he said. "I never opened the tap on any keg."

Asked what he was doing with the keg suspended over the woman's open mouth, Paxton said: "Nothing. The thing didn't work. I was laughing at them. You know, if I was doing anything, I was grabbing it and trying to put it back down."

Uhhh... right. So that explains the fact that you are working the tap itself... how?

Wisely, Paxton decided not to fight the charges raised by his own Iowa Central Community College board and simply walked off the job, collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars on his way out. Amazingly, though, the story of how Paxton got a bunch of his underage son's friends drunk doesn't end there:

Paxton also denied that his 19-year-old son was drinking that day, yet police records show the young Paxton was picked up for a DUI charge later that evening. [DeadSpin]

Wow. This guy is the worst liar ever. Good riddance... after all, underage kids don't need you to help with their beer, creepy old dude.

Missouri Republican Resigns To Spend More Time With Family, Soon Gets Arrested For Sexually Assaulting 14-Year-Old

Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

While You Were Sleeping: Madonna's Breakdown?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 12:49:00 GMT

This creepy Boy Scout leader was charged with six sex offenses. Guess what they involved?

FoxNews and other sources are confirming the John Edwards Love Child story, with the former ready to present an interview with a hotel security guard who will allegedly back up the Enquirer's shock saga.

A model is facing four years in prison after riding bareback (and bare-ass) on a horse... with the Peru national flag as a saddle.

Lindsay Lohan had a rough weekend: first, she had a panic attack when a mob of fans surrounded her at Sam's DJing gig. Then, early Saturday morning, she was clipped by a motorcycle while crossing an intersection...

Madonna's looking terrible these days. Worse than Amy Winehouse Terrible.

Wisconsin Democrats voted unanimously to strip a delegate of her credentials after the woman switched her support from Clinton to McCain.

A couple had their 18th child this week. "Evvvery sperm is saaacredd..."

A Corleone girl married her loving sweetheart before a large Italian celebration while her father, a Mafia don, sits in prison.

Shia LaBeouf was involved in a car accident, allegedly while intoxicated, and was arrested.

Related:

Does Madonna Have A Sex Tape And Do We Want To See It?

The Media Thinks It's Finally Figured Out Why Hillary Lost (Hint: It's Not The Media)

The John Edwards Affair And Love Child Scandal: The Sequel

Tom Hanks of Tomorrow Looking Like Drunk Asshole of Today

Mischa Barton Strips For Nylon, Three More Minutes Of Fame

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:07:00 GMT

Mischa Barton tells Nylon she'd rather not be grouped with her fellow DUI damsels Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, saying that would be the "biggest bummer" to come out of her drunk driving arrest.

Just a piece of advice: if you want to disassociate yourself from a bunch of spoiled, drunken, scantily-clad hussies, people will probably take you much more seriously if you're wearing more clothing...

Mischa Exposed - more of the starlet then you've ever seen before.

Things you can learn from the August article on Mischa Barton:

1. She's a clothes-hoarder, and owns racks of vintage stuff.

2. She's still really, really close to her mom.

3. Those with O.C. withdrawal can catch the actress in two new movies out this month (finally!).

4. She's really, really embarrassed about her DUI.

For everything else, check out NYLON's August denim issue, with a giant Mischa article by Kate Williams. For now, here are some photos of Ms. B that you can't see anywhere else - not even in the magazine!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh wait, the pictures! (By the way, that whole "more of the starlet than you've ever seen before" line? Yeah, we've seen a helluva lot more...)

More photos here. Story via the Telegraph.

Related:

Closing the Ring: The Movie that Shows Mischa Barton's Boobs

Gisele Bundchen's Latest Nude Shoot May Be Her Finest Work Yet

Today in the Apocalypse: Man Injured in Mooning Prank Gone Wrong

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:13:00 GMT

Continuing signs of the coming apocalypse today in a variety of bizarre arrests and other News of The Weird exclusives. The Tampa, FL area continues to be a source of great amusement for Scanner bloggers-- today's story features a man brought in on felony charges for building a treehouse on a chemical company's forested property so he could feed his addiction to horse racing.

Raymond Rogers built hisself a fifteen-foot-high tree house in what he probably thought was some abandoned forest so he could use binoculars to eyeball the track. Rogers told police he had been banned from entering the grandstand itself after "causing problems with the customers." Hmmm...

Other signs of the coming apocalypse include:

Gawker reported on the above photo, which they claim is a real candid of a drunk driver showing up late to watch a Mexican bike race.

A mugger was chased down and busted by a man in a motorized wheelchair. And a 71 year old man.

Speaking of John McCain, he will try to steal the spotlight from the Democrats tonight by making a big speech about-- wait for it-- "change in America."

A Dutch 21-year-old male mortified patrons in a local restaurant by pressing his ass against the glass. The glass, as you probably guess, shattered into a bazillion pieces... and cut his ass off.

And in India, a man ordered his father murdered so he could ascend to his job on the day before the man was going to retire anyway and a married couple accidentally divorced ten years ago and they didn't even know it. Guess they saved a boatload on legal fees down the road...

Today in WTF: Nude Criminals On The Rise

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 May 2008 19:15:00 GMT

Authorities aren't sure whether the latest uptick in nude criminal behavior is a result of some mass cultural craziness or the nice weather we've been having, but they certainly make for great coffee break conversation.

Check out the latest capers, all of which are making us feel like streaking on this beautiful spring day...

1) Police in Florida received an embarrassed call from a married couple after a woman came home from a solo vacation and discovered tens of thousands of dollars in jewelry missing. The husband blamed their newly-hired maid, who came from a $100-per hour nude house cleaning service, arrived at his house while his wife was away, and proceeded to clean the place up in the buff. We've been warning you people about dating on Craig's List... now we have to warn you about hiring anonymous nude maids, too? When will we ever learn...?
2) A couple of teenagers were arrested on DUI and drug possession charges after crashing, in the nude, into first a stop sign and then a utility pole. Megan, the driver, "told officers in the report that the two had just had sex, and that she drank three or four beers before the accident. According to the report, marijuana was found in her purse."

What's the twist that connects these two stories? They both took place on the Florida coast... hmmm... maybe you, like us, are wondering if there's some connection here. The rest of you can just enjoy the weirdness of Floridians and nudists everywhere. God bless 'em.

Vito Fossella Promotes Family Values... Two Families At A Time

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:40:00 GMT

As we suspected, Vito Fossella is not the goody-two-shoes, family-values conservative, Dad of the Year winner the Republican Party made him out to be. The New York City Congressman, already the worst person in the world for bringing his best friend Dick Cheney to Brooklyn and Staten Island to fundraise for him, has outdone himself again.

And we thought Eliot Spitzer's was the ultimate hypocrite for going after whorehouses while himself visiting Ashley Alexandra Dupre in his spare time:

Representative Vito J. Fossella, the Staten Island Republican who was arrested on drunken-driving charges in Virginia last week, acknowledged on Thursday that he had fathered a daughter, now 3, in an extramarital affair. But he declined to address questions about his political future. [New York Times]

It keeps getting better: not only that, but Vito has been seen recently without his wedding ring. Dude-- you're a public official, people in the gossip community (i.e. the New York Post, Daily News, and Reuters) tend to notice shit like that. And if you're going to cheat on your wife (and kids-- that is, those kids you have with your current wife), please leave her at least the dignity to be able to end the marriage herself-- in other words, let her be the one to take her ring off first. Don't get all Rudy Guiliani on us and call a press conference announcing your divorce so she can learn about it from NY1 News.

Asshole.

Via The New York Daily News.

Last NYC Republican Congressman Busted For DWI!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 May 2008 16:30:00 GMT

The Democrats have been trying to oust New York City's only Republican member of Congress for several electoral cycles. After a boneheaded move on Vito Fossella's part, they have their best chance for a pickup since his first term...

According to the New York Times, Fossella:

1) Was busted going twice the legal limit... while running a red light... while driving in Virginia...

2) ...a state which mandates at least five days in jail for a first DWI conviction...

3) ...while driving with an unidentified woman coming down to bail him out. UPDATE: The woman is not his wife, who has refused comment on this story. (Ooh, please please please tell us it's a transvestite! Why else would Fossella not reveal the identity of his companion? Oh wait, she's a former "congressional liaison." Sounds like page scandal number two, perhaps?)

4) He tried to lie his way out of trouble by telling the police officer he had to rush to the hospital to see his sick or injured daughter. Apparently, he blacked out this portion of the evening, as his "alibi" changed the next morning:

although on Friday he said that he had been on his way to visit friends.

5) Fossella faces an automatic Congressional investigation within the next month, under a newly-passed rule about ethics violations.

6) Fossella will not enter rehab, which may or may not help with his reelection campaign this year.

Mr. Fossella said he would not resign. His spokesman, Craig Donner, said that Mr. Fossella did not have a drinking problem and that he therefore had no plans to enter a rehabilitation program.

More comedy, including the results of Mr. Fossella's attempt to recite the alphabet backwards, at nytimes.com. Photo via Metro UK.

Sloppy Seconds: $1 Million for Your Meat

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Arnold Schwarzenegger: if I can't run for president, I'll just buy up land until the country is all mine! [Yahoo!]

In other people who are taking over the world: Bill Gates wants to revamp the pharmaceutical industry. [Wired]

You can purchase Barack Obama's sloppy seconds (waffles) on eBay. Get 'em while they're hot! [Wonkette]

Okay, seriously, folks. Why don't rich people just hire poor people to drive them around when they're drunk? [Us Weekly]

Ginnifer Goodwin says her show "Big Love" is "sugar-coated polygamy." You think? [People]

PETA is offering one million dollars to anyone who can create in-vitro meat that looks and tastes as good as the real thing. "In vitro meat production would use animal stem cells that would be placed in a medium to grow and reproduce. The result would mimic flesh and could be cooked and eaten. Some promising steps have been made toward this technology, but we're still several years away from having in vitro meat be available to the general public.... " We'll pass for the juicy steak over there, thanks. [LA Unleashed] [Image]

Diddy Wants to Make Sure You Get Home Safe

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 18:22:00 GMT

Ladies, next time you've had a few too many, call up Sean "Diddy" Combs. He'll pick you up, take you home, tuck you in...

..and give you a few asprin, like a true gentleman, of course.

OK, not really. But he is launching a car service for A-listers who are too drunk to drive themeslves home. We've always wondered why people like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton drive drunk when they can very obviously afford a cab or a ride in a climate-controlled Rolls-Royce stocked with even more booze, but most of the decisions those two make are far beyond our level of comprehension.

[UsWeekly: Diddy to Launch Car Service for Drunk Celebs]

Heidi Fleiss Arrested for Drunk Driving... At 9 a.m.

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 13:49:00 GMT

We haven't heard from Heidi Fleiss in a while, maybe because she's busy working on open a brothel for male escorts in Nevada. Anyway, the former madame was arrested yesterday for driving under the influence and possessing Vicodin that wasn't prescribed to her. The best (or rather, worst) part? All of this happened around 9 a.m.

[E! News: Heidi Fleiss Drives into Trouble]

Lindsay Lohan: "It's like, what was I thinking?"

Emily Farris — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 17:42:00 GMT

Lindsay looks back on 2007 in February's Bazar, "It's like, what was I thinking?" Our thoughts exactly, Lindsay.

[Yahoo!: Lohan: 'It's like, what was I thinking?']

Rebecca De Mornay on Probabtion for Drunk Driving

Emily Farris — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 17:02:00 GMT

Rebecca De Mornay was sentenced to three years probation on a drunk driving charge yesterday. She should have just taken the subway. Even if she was in L.A. Rebecca De Mornay plus the subway equals all good.