Scanner : drunk texting

Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:09:00 GMT

Sandra Bullock is "not sure" she wants kids. Apparently this warrants a news story. [Us]

We blame South Park for making us laugh every time we see the word "probe" no matter the context. Today's laughable headline: "Police, 50 Cent see house fire probe differently." Sort-of sounds like something that could be cleared up with a little Preparation H, right? [Yahoo!]

As long as we can remember Emily has been one of the top 10 baby names for girls. This year, we're at number three. And we're pretty sure we've dated at least one of each from the baby boy section. [SSA.gov]

Sorry for the late notice on Free Chocolate Day. [The Inquisitr]

Firtexting: apparently more than just a thing to do when you want some booty. A site? A book? A worldview? [BuzzFeed]

Apparently all of those soap operas we watched with the summer between first and second grade (and second and third and third and fourth and fourth and fifth... well, you get the picture) turned us slutty. [KIDK]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:18:00 GMT

Do you drunk text even though you shouldn't because it always ends badly? Yeah, so do we. Perhaps that's why we're so amused by Texts From Last Night, a new website that encourages you to submit those drunken texts you sent or received. [TFLN]

A small earthquake hit the Bay Area today. [The Inquisitr]

John Mayer would like everyone to know that he is very single. [Us]

And Miley Cyrus would like you to know that she is not dating Nick Jonas. [People]

Melissa Keeton and Shelly Wolfe were issued the first same-sex marriage license in Iowa today, after the state legalized gay marriage earlier this month. [USA Today]

Some guy we've never heard of is TIME's most influential person of the year. Turns out that though we've never heard of him we were sort-of influenced by him. [TIME]

Watch the trailer for "Partly Private," a documentary about how we view circumcision in the Western World. [Partly Private]

We've probably paid more in fees to Bank of America than we made last year. If you have too, you should tell your story to the SEIU. [ScrewedbyBofA.org]

And that picture had nothing to do with anything in this post. We just thought it was too hilarious to pass up. [Defamer]

Review: Mail Goggles

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 15:42:00 GMT

When I first heard about Mail Goggles—the program that forces you to answer math problems during pre-set hours of the night before sending email—I was super excited. I've sent one too many drunk emails in my day. That's a lie, I've probably sent 100 too many drunk emails in my day. Responding to a colleague's email after a party one night, I laid out, in detail, how I talked my way out of a ticket for public urination on the way home. I've invited ex-boyfriends over, responded to Craigslist personals ads and once even quit a job via a drunken email. While that last one probably needed to happen, it seemed I'd been waiting for Mail Goggles my entire adult life.

Though I'd trained myself over the past year or so to save anything questionable as a draft until morning, I immediately set about activating Mail Goggles. Well, sort-of immediately. It took me a while, and a few Google searches, to figure out how to do it (it's under Google Labs, by the way). I finally set it up so that I would have to answer intermediate math problems Thursday through Sunday from midnight to 5 a.m.

The first night I came home to Mail Goggles I'd had a few drinks. I whizzed through the five addition and multiplication questions and answered a few boring emails with a few boring responses. A whiskey or three doesn't do much to me these days—except, apparently, enhance my math skills.

The next night I stayed in. I watched TV and ordered pizza. I was writing and talking to my mom on the phone and, of course, answering emails. I had typed out a response to my cousin about a plane ticket and clicked send. A little box popped up with five math problems. I rolled my eyes. I felt like I had when I'd told my friend to not let me eat any more cookies and then I went back for a cookie and she tried to stop me and I was like "What business do you have telling me what to eat?" But, I did this to myself, so I needed to answer the questions, except—FUCK!—I got them wrong.

Apparently, I was much better at math with a little help from my friend Jameson.

Numbers were never my forte. I was in advanced trig in eleventh grade, but that's because I was good at problem solving, not because I was good at math. That trig class was the last time I'd ever really done math beyond halving recipes and calculating tips.

I gave the problems another try and Google told me to have some water and go to sleep. I told Google to fuck off, and saved all my emails as drafts so I could send them first thing in the morning.

Sure, I could have gotten out the calculator, or an old-fashioned pencil and paper, or even typed the problems into the Google search bar for the answers, but I was too mad at myself for getting into this stupid position in the first place. Did I really need my email program to babysit me?

While Mail Goggles will surely be incredibly helpful for many people who like to drink and click, unfortunately it's just a few years too late for me. From now on I'll take responsibility for my own emailing and leave the math practice to the college kids (who probably actually need it).

Let's revisit this subject when they can put a breath-a-lizer on my phone.

Related:

Google Launches "Mail Goggles", Bloggers Everywhere Stop Getting Laid

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

A Booty Call From Scanner, Er Salon, Sarah

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 13:14:00 GMT

As many of you already know, Friday I was jetted away on a party plane to Las Vegas to celebrate the launch of Thrillist's Vegas edition. The best way I can think to describe Thrillist is Daily Candy for men.

I was skeptical at first. Party plane? Las Vegas? A party plane to Las Vegas? But after a few drinks I quickly warmed up to my new friends and even got all dolled up for the club (though I only stayed about 20 minutes).

But you know what I learned? You can put Scanner Emily in Las Vegas but she's still Scanner Emily... except when she's in Vegas she's not wearing a dirty t-shirt.. and that's something, right?

I learned a few other things, too...

5. Julia Allison is just as pretty in person.

I don't know how friendly she is because she didn't seem to want to talk to anyone who didn't have a camera, but yeah, she's pretty. And surprisingly kind-of normal sized.

4. SPF 15 is not enough.

Not even at 9 a.m.

3. What happens in Vegas stays on your ass.

After my drunk twittering, and before I lost $128 on the slot machines, I stopped off for what I thought would be a healthy dinner. I might as well have had a deep-fried burger dipped in mayonnaise and then deep fried again. I don't think there was any lettuce on my Thai chicken salad. But there was really too much dressing on it for me to tell.

2. Drinking and texting still do not mix.

Yes, I should have learned this lesson twice before. While I like to pride myself on my ability to, at the very least, spell check and keep anything I write mostly free of typos, drunk twittering makes me sound like a dumbass. "Hair jell?" Really?

1. I'm too old for Vegas.

While I had a lot of fun (thanks Thrillist and Jetblue!), I think I was the least drunk person on the trip. I did get drunk enough to misspell some shit, but I think I had a total of four drinks on Friday; many people were drinking at a rate of four an hour. A few years ago I would have gotten wasted just because the drinks were free, but I was thinking more about the way I'd feel the next morning and less about the fact that I probably could have gotten laid if I'd just poured back a few more. I got up early to explore the strip and waited in a line of about 40 people for an iced coffee from Starbucks. While everyone was recovering from their hangovers on the flight home, I kicked back, enjoyed a bloody Mary and cried hysterically while watching "The Notebook." Hm... maybe I'm not so old after all?

Related:

Scanner : drunk texting

Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

Review: Mail Goggles

Google Launches "Mail Goggles", Bloggers Everywhere Stop Getting Laid

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

A Booty Call From Scanner, Er Salon, Sarah

Five Things I Learned in Vegas

It's Friday the 13th and Scanner Emily is About to Board a Plane to Vegas

When Drinking and Technology Don't Mix: Scanner Emily's Facebook Faux Pas

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Julia Allison