Scanner : dui

Consecutive DUIs: Three Times a Lady

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:13:00 GMT

This tragicomic tale contains several points in the "comic" column, but it begins with a 60-year-old woman driving on her vacay while dipping into an open box of wine.

The news article does not specify whether the woman was a mom, but she probably is because boxed wine is for moms to get loaded at home. This woman didn't keep her box of wine at home, though, she took it on her road trip vacation in Wisconsin (sorry, but we found that part amusing as well; it's not the first place you think of for a road trip).

The first arrest happened on March 11th, when the woman was spotted by a deputy trying to drive out of a ditch. She had only one shoe on and a blood-alcohol level of 0.21. She was arrested again a day later while attempting to get her car out of the snow in a closed campground. This was clearly a budget road trip for these rough times we're all facing. At that time, she estimated she'd had "four or six cups" of wine.

"I am still finishing up the box of wine in my car from yesterday," she told the officer.

After 12 hours in jail, she was free again, then arrested again when her car was spotted driving "all over the road," read the police report.

Apparently the box of wine had been polished off at that point and half a bottle of wine was found. This time, her blood alchol level was .16, and the woman now faces 30 days in jail and fines in excess of $3,000. So much for the low-budget vacation.

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This Kid Is Sooo Wasted...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 16:02:00 GMT

The only time we've ever driven under the influence is after a visit to the dentist. We can't remember why we needed so much "laughing gas" and novocaine (or whatever it was they gave me before, one assumes, jumping my bones and filming it, a la that Seinfeld episode), but in any case, we remember turning on the car and "Mrs. Robinson" coming over the radio. For some reason, this was all of a sudden the funniest song ever recorded, and we began to sing along in a deliberate monotone that made the song sound like William Shatner with a brutal hangover. Then we started up the car and drove home, not remembering how to get there.

This 7-year-old boy got to have that experience, thankfully years before being allowed to drive. Luckily, his father, who apparently has no shame (or fear of being accused of exploiting children for YouTube glory), had promised to record the boy's tooth removal procedure in a kind of "before and after." Don't ask us why he thought the kid wanted this-- it doesn't really make much sense. Anyway, the poor kid is absolutely out of his mind-- veering from lucid blubbering to high-pitched screaming and back again in just under ten seconds.

Also, he is wearing a Florida Gators football t-shirt. That really says it all for us: this took place in Florida, the nation's craziest state.

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Some Rapper No One's Ever Heard Of Arrested For Being An Idiot

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:07:00 GMT

My, this young man is very polite.

"Have you been drinking tonight?" Instead of answering, hiphopper Yung Berg answers, "I'm an artist, sir," which means "yes." He might as well have said, "My name is Yung Berg-- what do you think I've been doing tonight?"

Anyway, what kind of idiot is his manager-- doing that to a cop for no reason?

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:46:00 GMT

Facebook and MySpace have been leading cops to crooks for years. Recently, one woman turned in a guy she was about to go on a first date with because she found discovered, via a web search, that he had an FBI warrant out for his arrest.

This story is the first case we've heard of where the suspect initially incriminated himself by performing a Google search...

A San Francisco investment banker with quite a history of DUIs was out driving on January 11th 2005 when he hit, and killed 55-year-old Gurdeep Kaur. Lee Harbert, the driver fled the scene.

The story that Mr Herbert stuck to was that he hit a deer. Releasing him from the need to stop and assist with whatever he had just ran over. Originally police reports were for a burgandy Jaguar, and Lee’s was black. No way it could have been him.

The cops weren't sure he was their man, since his car had been cleaned up...

Police later searched his house and computer. They searched his recent queries in Google and found these recent search terms: “auto parts, auto dealers out-of-state; auto glass, Las Vegas; auto glass reporting requirements to law enforcement, auto theft.” [Yeah, That's Odd]

But that's not what will ultimately convict the guy. Harbert's later search included the words "hit and run," followed by his looking up a news story about his own hit and run. Of course, we've heard plenty of instances of teachers, already arrested, being convicted of sex with underage students after their internet histories revealed such memorable phrases as "sex laws between teachers and students" and "laws against underage sex." But this is definitely the first case we can think of where a guy was arrested because of his internet searches.

By the way, the guy is now serving three years in the pen.

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Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Is eugenics still being practiced in Louisiana? A politician there wants to give women $1,000 to tie their tubes in order to reduce the welfare rolls.

Although Shia LaBeouf's license is going to be suspended, he won't be charged with a DUI in his recent car crash.

Which American celebrity is Damien Hirst's latest, humiliated subject?

A well-known British artist who has made collage portraits of President Bush and Paris Hilton out of porn magazine images is exhibiting the pictures at a gallery in New York.
A gallery spokeswoman says Jonathan Yeo's portrait of Hilton was bought by the artist Damien Hirst ahead of Thursday's opening.

Hirst is offering Hilton a cut of the sales because she never received "royalties" from her sex tape. Huh? Whatever.

Will Sarah Michelle Gellar return to television? For HBO?!

You thought it made sense for that woman to sleep with a cop to get out of a speeding ticket? This guy would have to have marry the cop to get out of his two million bucks in parking tickets.

Some gas station owner in Michigan dropped prices and made up the difference selling T-shirts.

JP Morgan will buy Washington Mutual.

Planned Parenthood doesn't quite understand how, but it's getting thousands of donations in Sarah Palin's name. It wouldn't be so weird if, um, Sarah Palin supported anything PP stood for.

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Woman Has Stillborn Baby After Putting Drugs In Her Vagina

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:15:00 GMT

While a pediatrician claims that the drugs a Connecticut drug addict hid in her vagina probably did not contribute to the woman's baby's death, we have to say that, directly or not, they were at least part of the reason...

Police seized a glass stem used for smoking crack cocaine, and a kitchen knife in the driver's side door pocket, according to police reports. A plastic bag allegedly containing 14 Ecstasy pills was found in her vagina, police said.

Keller is scheduled to appear in Bantam Superior Court on Sept. 19 to face charges of possession of narcotics, sale of hallucinogens, possession of drug paraphernalia near a school, possession of narcotics near a school, two counts of illegal possession of a weapon in a motor vehicle, interfering with an investigation and tampering with evidence. [We're not pro-life, but probably would support a charge of "endangering the welfare of a child" or some sort of fetal-related charge, no?]

Regarding the death of her baby, Torrington Police said an extensive investigation would have to made before a decision was made about whether to file additional charges.

According to Michael Curi, M.D, who specializes in pediatrics, it is unlikely the 14 Ecstasy pills found inside Keller's vagina contributed to the child's death, since they were wrapped inside a plastic bag. "If it was in a plastic bag, it would probably decrease the absorption pretty quickly," Curi said.

All due respect, please... let's have an investigation before a guy who wasn't even there, a guy who figures that a thin plastic bag is the unstoppable force preventing digestible drugs from seeping into a woman's vagina, has the final say. Seriously, not that we want the baby to have died as a result of all that ecstasy, just that we want to hear it from the coroner, the police, or, you know, someone with access to the actual examination to tell us first...

PS Sorry, Dr. Curi, it's really not your fault. We're just venting at you when we should be organizing an internet lynch mob against Heidi Keller, who caused a baby's death, no matter how you look at it....

Via The Register-Citizen.

College President Who Stopped Student From Drinking From Broken Keg Resigns

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:32:00 GMT

You know we're kidding when we used the words "stopped" and "broken" in that headline, right?

College President (not the student-elected kind) Robert Paxton was at a July 4th lake party when he was caught in the above photo helping a lovely young lass with her beverage:

"If you want to know the truth, the thing was broken," he said. "I never opened the tap on any keg."

Asked what he was doing with the keg suspended over the woman's open mouth, Paxton said: "Nothing. The thing didn't work. I was laughing at them. You know, if I was doing anything, I was grabbing it and trying to put it back down."

Uhhh... right. So that explains the fact that you are working the tap itself... how?

Wisely, Paxton decided not to fight the charges raised by his own Iowa Central Community College board and simply walked off the job, collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars on his way out. Amazingly, though, the story of how Paxton got a bunch of his underage son's friends drunk doesn't end there:

Paxton also denied that his 19-year-old son was drinking that day, yet police records show the young Paxton was picked up for a DUI charge later that evening. [DeadSpin]

Wow. This guy is the worst liar ever. Good riddance... after all, underage kids don't need you to help with their beer, creepy old dude.

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 20:51:00 GMT

An earthquake this morning registered 5.4 on the Andy Richter scale and was felt from LA to Vegas and down to Mexico. There were no reported injuries as of post time.

Although he's charged with a DUI, Shia LaBeouf was not at fault for the car crash that flipped his truck. The other driver has been ticketed for running a red light...

PageSix claims Marc Jacobs has wed in Paris... and if you didn't know, he married...

his Brazilian boyfriend in a civil ceremony... which is not legally binding.

Other sources speculate that this is just a decoy move while Jacobs gets married elsewhere, away from the prying press...

Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson and Charlize Theron are to appear on a breast cancer telethon the night of September 5th.

We couldn't imagine Paul McCartney ever hitting anyone-- shit, could you imagine the guy who wrote "Yesterday" and "Maybe I'm Amazed" getting medieval on anyone? Now, Heather Mills' ex-publicist is speaking out and basically confirming what we suspected all along: the evidence of McCartney abusing his ex-wife was completely fabricated to help the wife's case.

We're pretty sure it's a fake of... something... but WTF is this photo Gawker posted?

You can download the Walkmen's excellent new album for $5, with all of the proceeds going to the cause of one hospitalized baby. The music revolution, indeed.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 12:49:00 GMT

This creepy Boy Scout leader was charged with six sex offenses. Guess what they involved?

FoxNews and other sources are confirming the John Edwards Love Child story, with the former ready to present an interview with a hotel security guard who will allegedly back up the Enquirer's shock saga.

A model is facing four years in prison after riding bareback (and bare-ass) on a horse... with the Peru national flag as a saddle.

Lindsay Lohan had a rough weekend: first, she had a panic attack when a mob of fans surrounded her at Sam's DJing gig. Then, early Saturday morning, she was clipped by a motorcycle while crossing an intersection...

Madonna's looking terrible these days. Worse than Amy Winehouse Terrible.

Wisconsin Democrats voted unanimously to strip a delegate of her credentials after the woman switched her support from Clinton to McCain.

A couple had their 18th child this week. "Evvvery sperm is saaacredd..."

A Corleone girl married her loving sweetheart before a large Italian celebration while her father, a Mafia don, sits in prison.

Shia LaBeouf was involved in a car accident, allegedly while intoxicated, and was arrested.

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