Scanner : economic stimulus

While You Were Sleeping: Is Lindsay Lohan's Career Over?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The New York Times just figured out that the sexting craze means some teens will go to jail.

This Rob Schneider interview may be the best thing we've read all week. Yeah, we know-- Rob Schneider...

Apple is preparing to raise iTunes download prices to $1.29. We suspect this might have something to do with preparing people for the high price Beatles downloads will be.

An eye for an eye is about to be taken literally in-- you called it-- Iran.

Nice try, IBM-- you want to lay off American workers, outsource to India, and collect stimulus dollars? Hell no.

Four women who dressed as stewardesses and volunteered in the New York City subways to help people get around have been asked to stop by the MTA. As if the MTA is flush for cash and can themselves pay people to provide that service. Morons.

New York finally began the process of fixing the evil/horrible Rockefeller Drug Laws.

Our hero David Byrne has officially ruled out ever playing with the Talking Heads again. Asshole.

Bruce Springsteen saved the famous Glastonbury summer music festival. Angel.

Lindsay Lohan's only unreleased film (at present) is going straight to DVD.

And a schoolteacher showed up drunk to class, blackmailed her students into bumping and grinding with her, then later passed out by a swimming pool.

Teacher In Lesbian Sex Scandal Story Not Helping

Today in the Apocalypse: The Only Survivors Will Be Cockroaches And Breastaraunts

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 20:04:00 GMT

My parents recently moved to Clearwater, Florida. Since then, I've come to learn that the town is known for two things, none of which is the nearly-deserted beach they live on: being the home of Scientology and the birthplace of Hooters. Make of that what you will, but let's just say that the holidays are going to be on the usual side from now on...

Florida has even created a new buzzword in order to have at least one story that doesn't involve monkeys escaping for zoos, crates full of pigs spilling all over the highways, and drunk people crashing through their neighbor's front rooms. That word is "breastaurants" and its king, Hooters, took in one billion dollars last year:

"People get in a fun atmosphere around Hooters, and I think they feel that," Bob Passwaters tells us. He's been doing marketing for Hooters for nearly two decades. "Of course, you have the girls and the food, kind of a neighborhood escape."
An escape where the food is inexpensive, and entrees are under $10.
These breastaurants offer a carefree atmosphere where Passwaters says, people can forget about the bad economy and eat a good meal.
"They just love getting away from sitting at their computer seeing all the bad news in the markets going down and this is going down," Passwaters told us. "Heck, let's go to Hooters and have some chicken wings and relax a bit."
Another reason breastaurants are seeing big success: local clientele. Regulars keep coming back for more.

Dude, they keep coming back because it's cheaper to have dinner and boobs at the same place than to have dinner, then head to the strip club for overpriced drinks, scary fake boobs and all the violence that has been taking place in the parking lots.

But hey, don't take our word for it... we're just there for the wings.

Via TampaBayConnects.

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Museum Erotica Might Be the Economy's Next Victim

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 19:56:00 GMT

Copenhagen, Demark's Museum Erotica may be going out of business. Sources say that a public plea failed when the new investors pulled out at the last minute (no pun intended.)

A loss of this magnitude would be have worldwide consequences-- after all, where else are you going to see all this NSFW sex-related art?

According to the Copenhagen Post, the Museum may be put up for sale as early as today:

The City Council’s cultural committee has turned down a request to support the museum and the museum’s chief executive, Hanne Stensgaard, said the museum is facing the sale of its extensive collection.
The museum is home to more than 1,500 artifacts and pictures depicting erotica through the ages. [Copenhagen Post]

If that ends up happening, you know that private pervs will keep all these glorious art pieces to themselves, so enjoy them now, thanks to Flickr and other internet sources:

1) Statue from the museum; 2) Kama Sutra painting; 3) What's up with this figurine's penis?; 4) Yes, that is a vagina cam; 5) A sex doll or the new Pamela Anderson spread for Playboy?; 6) A Marilyn Monroe exhibit was featured recently at the museum.

Check out the museum's website-- hopefully, there will be news of a last-second savior any minute now...

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Stimulus Bill Allocates $335 Mil to STD Prevention

Colleen Kane — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 17:30:00 GMT

The Drudge Report, uh, reports that the Economic Stimulus Bill has $335 million set aside for STD education and prevention programs through the Centers for Disease Control, and it's "buried on page 147 of the bill."

According to Drudge, nearly $700K of such funds have previously been used to support events called "Booty Call" and "Great Sex."

What, exactly, is getting stimulated here? Don't tell us, especially if STDs are involved.

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Everyone Will Get Laid This Year

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 16:30:00 GMT

If we told all our readers that they are going to get laid this year, we'd be right nine times out of ten. However, since we're not trusted authorities on sex or anything, perhaps you would prefer a more trusted source of completely irrational predictions.

The Futurist magazine, published by the World Future Society, which "investigates how social, economic and technological developments are shaping the future," claims that 2009 is the year we will all be having lots of hot action...

According to the Futurists (and excerpts from their magazine published by News.com.au), one of the predictions for the year is:

"Americans may turn away from antidepressants."

According to the anthropologist who made this call, the 100-million antidepressant prescriptions Americans take "kill the sex drive" but many may quit taking them, one surmises, so they can participate in the general randiness of women having more economic power.

...based on no evidence whatsoever. Yeah, knowing how bad the economy is going, we seriously doubt Americans will choose 2009 as the year to give up taking prescription drugs (although, since they're all out of work, they may not be able to afford "luxury" purchase like pharmaceuticals.) Other psychic moments:

"Everything you say and do may be recorded."

Creepy, unless you think about the fact that you Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, blog, text, and e-mail everyone all day-- in which case, you realize you are your own Big Brother.

"Retirees will increasingly return to the work force."
"Flying cars may be on the way at last."
"Increases in the Earth's temperature, no matter how slight, could trigger global mayhem and destruction."

The Amazon rain forest would become a desert, the glaciers would disappear and, "conflict over scarce resources would most likely cause human civilisation to collapse".

Enjoy our time on Earth while it lasts, you sex fiends!

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Burger King Wants You To Have $100... No, Seriously, Take The Money...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:50:00 GMT

Burger King is deliberately dropping wallets full of cash all over the country and, unlike the wicked New York City Police Department, they aren't arresting people who are kind enough to pick them up...

The blogosphere is abuzz today with stories of people in Arizona, Florida, and Illinois finding wallets on the floor of the local Burger King restaurants. The wallets were deliberately dropped or planted by hired help on a Burger King marketing campaign:

From November 12-14, the fast food chain will be leaving 5000 wallets around Chicago, specifically "in high-traffic areas and landmarks." Inside the wallets? "A BK Crown Card pre-loaded with $5 to $20 and cold, hard cash ranging from $1 to $100."
Yep, the wallets include notes telling the individuals who find them to go ahead and keep the wallets. Time Out Chicago reported on November 12th that Burger King planned to drop 5,000 of these wallets around urban hot spots in Chicago. According to reports from bloggers, the wallets contain actual cash, ranging from a $1 bill to a $100 bill, a gift card to Burger King, a “Drivers License” featuring The King, and a map of Chicago or Orlando area Burger King’s.
This is a brilliant marketing move, and the mainstream media is obviously lagging behind on discovering it - but creative and unique marketing ideas like this one don’t go unnoticed forever. I expect much more widespread attention for this promotion as the word-of-mouth affect begins to trickle up the mainstream media.

The economy is in such bad shape right now, with the highest new unemplyoment filings in years, that you half expect large crowds of people scouring their local BK's, not for the $1 menu, but like those weird beachcombers, hoping that someone hasn't scoured the place as thoroughly as they are about to...

Via the So Good Blog and NBC.

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Lou Reed's Classic Example Of How To Give An Interview

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 17:26:00 GMT

With international leaders meeting today to discuss the growing world economic crisis, employees are spending more and more of their workday online, job hunting. Thankfully, Lou Reed is here to help with your next interview.

Now, in honor of the release of his brilliant new record, the master teaches you how to relax and to not appear too eager when facing down those overbearing interviewers...

In case you don't know anything about his music (and how the hell do you get to be your age and not know Lou Reed, honestly?), it's all about drugs. Just a heads up so you can appreciate this clip all the more...

And by the way, you should really check out the new Berlin: Live at St. Ann's Warehouse. We were there for the taping and it was an unmistakably powerful show, with far and away the best sound we've ever experienced in a concert setting.

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While You Were Sleeping: David Duchovny Can't Keep It Together

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Is it wrong too arrest a man in a wheelchair... for driving while intoxicated?

Playboy cut 80 jobs thanks to the terrible economy.

Britney Spears is on top of the world again...

...she's back on top of the U.S. charts thanks to a record-breaking sales week. The singer's "Womanizer" tune has scored the biggest chart jump to number one in Billboard Hot 100 history after rocketing up 95 spots from last week's 96 to get there. [The song still blows. -Ed.]
It's the first time Spears has been on top since her debut single "...Baby One More Time" hit number one at the beginning of 1999. [Starpulse]

Today in Politicians Who Apparently Have Nothing Better To Do: the idiot in Nebraska who filed a lawsuit against God has seen his dreams shattered.

Janet Jackson was apparently suffering from vertigo, is back on tour, and likes loud goddamned explosions.

Strip clubs have turned to the "free flu shot" gimmick to attract business. (Or is it the other way around?)

David Duchovy and Tea Leoni apparently could not work it out. A spokesperson admitted the two have actually been separated for months, with no signs of a turnaround.

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McCain Sabotages His Own Attempt To Save The Nation

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 13:44:00 GMT

It's time someone called "nuts!" on this McCain campaign suspension, fake attempt to save the economy, and the sabotaging of that fake attempt once it appeared Obama had the upper hand on the issue again...

Here's what we've heard. It's possible, of course, that Politico, Politics1, RCP, and all the other sources are wrong, but let's assume otherwise for the moment:

1) McCain told David Letterman he couldn't do anymore interviews because he was rushing back to DC to work on legislation. This was proven, on air, to be a lie, as McCain ran over to do an interview with Katie Couric instead. Fine, whatever. But why then did McCain wait until the morning to fly to DC? Didn't he know that would be a big red flag for people?

2) McCain said he was going to suspend campaigning. But we've heard from several sources that his ads are still running, his workers are still working, and McCain is still "campaigning" in every sense of the term except for actual stump speeches. See more about what his campaign has been up to since the suspension here.

3) Politico and Politics1 report on how the deal fell apart, thanks to McCain and Bush and their political maneuvering. You have to read this whole thing to appreciate it:

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson['s] $700 billion bailout... fell apart in bitter arguing during the meeting at the White House called by President Bush... [which was held] at the urging of John McCain. [The Dems] jointly deferred to Barack Obama, who set forth the[ir] concerns. One Republican at the meeting told Politico that Obama's leading role -- versus McCain's nearly silent role at the meeting -- was "an ambush" and the Democrats "did a very good job" of surprising Bush and McCain.
Obama immediately raised concerns that House Republicans had spent the day secretly plotting with McCain to sabotage the Bush/Paulson plan. Obama said the Democrats would not be party to advancing any bailout plan if McCain and the Congressional Republicans were not solidly behind the plan. Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) -- one of the fiscal hawks who had been crafting the conservative alternative plan -- confirmed that the House Republicans had met with McCain during the day as they worked on the rival plan. ..."This is such a crisis I'm not going to draw some line in the sand. We can't leave without doing something, but we don't think the votes are here for Paulson," said Ryan. As the White House meeting degenerated into bickering, the Democrats walked out to caucus...

Here's the short version of the rest: Paulson apparently (literally!) got down on his hands and knees in front of Pelosi and begged them not to quit the talks. According to Politico, his worst fears about what Bush and McCain would try to do-- that is, play politics with the legislation and try to give most of the gargantuan payoff to those who didn't need it, like CEOs-- were confirmed and the talks stalled. The Democrats and Republicans sectioned themselves off and continued into the evening with the discussions, leaving some to wonder...

4)... is John McCain going to show up for the debate? As we've said before, if he doesn't, he could get trashed like no Republican has been since Bob Dole's bumbling 1996 campaign. Obama would be able to mop the floor with him in a town hall-style discussion and emerge the almost unbeatable frontrunner. John McCain: are you getting any of this?!

More via Politics1.

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How I Spent My Stimulus (dot com)

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 May 2008 15:43:00 GMT

If you're not a blogger, you probably got (or are getting) an economic stimulus check from the government. Must be nice.

Melba, here, is putting hers into the bank, she believes no good can come from spending it. She's probably right.

This family took a road trip, got a new garbage disposal and paid off some credit card bills. Is this what life becomes when you get married and have kids? Yikes.

If we had an economic stimulus check, which we don't (and won't, because we're bloggers, remember), we'd have a really expensive, really big grass-fed steak washed down by an entire bottle of dry red wine, then we'd buy a plane ticket to somewhere while drunk off of that red wine.

What would you do? Tell us or upload your story to howispentmystimulus.com.