Scanner : election

While You Were Sleeping: If Even Apple Is In Trouble..

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

On this radio show discussing Obama having a beer at an NBA game, does it mean anything that some of these callers are against it?

Oh no... what we've always feared... High School Musical 4.

The last thing you want to do when you're running for public office is get yourself accused of sex crimes.

The cop who saved a bunch of lives in a Utah school shooting has pleaded no contest for having sex with a teenage girl while responding to a 9-1-1 call at her house.

Cook County Commissioner Mike Quigley will likely be the next Congressman from Illinois. Yep, another member of the Illinois government is heading to Washington...

Britney Spears launched her tour last night.

A woman called 9-1-1 three times in a row because her McDonald's didn't have any McNuggets.

Speaking of 9-1-1-- if you have a LG 830 Spyder, you seriously need to drop everything and read this.

Rupert Murdoch had his revenge on his biographer, who may be involved in a sex scandal.

And does it mean anything for the country at large if Apple laid off fifty workers yesterday?

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Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

While You Were Sleeping: The No Pants Ride

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 14:09:00 GMT

Idiots are already out with 2012 Presidential election polls. Thankfully, we have 2004 predictions to show you the futility of these fact-finding missions: Rudy Guiliani defeats John Kerry or John Edwards or Hillary Clinton in the 2008 race to the White House.

Meanwhile, the Electoral College named Barack Obama as the President-elect and Kerry is the new head of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

A major movie star from the past has turned to blogging to amuse himself...

Post Election
Current mood: hopeful

As you know, I urged the young people to vote. And I'm so gratified that we had the largest number of young people voting that we've ever had. Of course, I was careful not to sway their votes. But I must admit, I'm very happy that our country has made such a historical move. The world will be astounded that the United States has elected a black man to lead them. I never imagined that such an event would be possible during my lifetime. I think our country will now go on a course that permits us to work with other countries.

The comments that I received from other countries all tell me how much people have the same dreams and we must all work together in order to fulfill those dreams.

...so says Kirk Douglas on his MySpace page.

Anthony Pellicano received a whopping 15-year prison sentence.

This interview with Jon Hamm by our Bearded Man of (Last) Week is goddamned funny as hell.

The latest victims of the economic downturn: Marines and the kids they give gifts to.

That Follieri Guy, Anne Hathaway's most recent terrible boyfriend choice, owes $3.6 mil.

And the next No Pants Subway Ride in New York City is January 10th.

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Award Season Kicked into Gear, Critics Choose

While You Were Sleeping: Emma Watson To Get Naked?

Sloppy Seconds: Frisky's Ten Best Male Nude Scenes List

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 30-21

Sloppy Seconds: The Naked Lesbian Bubble Bath

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:36:00 GMT

Barbara Walters hit on-- oh God, make it stop-- Michael Phelps.

McCain continues to close in on Obama in the popular vote... at least according to CNN and other journalists desperate for an angle. Meanwhile, Obama is way ahead in the Electoral College. (By the way, don't miss this newly-resurfaced story from the Chicago Tribune, published in 2006, about the chances of an Obama Presidential bid... and the glorious response, in its comments section.)

The Strollerderby shattered a myth about your boobs... letting us know that a new study

disproves the popular conception that nursing results in sagging breasts - a condition technically known as breast ptosis.
The real causes of sagging breasts, according to the researchers, are far less noble: increased age, higher BMI, number of pregnancies, bigger pre-pregnancy cup size, and smoking.

JuicyCampus.com, a controversial gossip site, may be getting banned at Georgetown.

There was a "naked lesbian bubble bath" on America's Next Top Model last night. Of course, ANTM does not air on HBO, so nothing to see here, move along.

After all that, Denise Richards isn't being put out to pasture.

And that nutjob who carved the "B" (backwards!) into her own face and said Obama did it is going to join R.P. McMurphy and The Chief.

While You Were Sleeping: More Pregnant Celebrities

Top 10 Celebrity Moms Who Could Be Hookers

Men's Health Should Worry More About Men's Sanity

Sloppy Seconds: Phillies Fan Gives Her Team A Big Boost

Election Nightmare Video Scarier Than Saw V, For Sure

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 19:46:00 GMT

John McCain spoke in front of a large rally in Pottsville, Pennsylvania on Monday and was met by a few dozen demonstraters, and, as often happens at these things, the discourse quicky turned vitriolic...

In this video, a man can clearly be heard shouting "Bomb Obama" on multiple occasions and then saying he knows people who will shoot the Senator from Illinois if he becomes President. We always caught wind of a guy who claims to be a Democrat (somehow we doubt that) saying he could never vote for a black man.

With the polls tightening, although Obama expanding his lead in several red and swing states, we are certainly going to see more of this fear, hatemongering, racism, and general unpleasantness in the next five days. (Memo to McCain supporters: if your only reasons for not supporting Obama are guys he served on a school board with or the fact that you heard he was "born in Kenya," maybe you should do some fact checking before talking to people with cameras.)

By the way, see also this HuffPo piece: McCain Funded Work Of Palestinian His Campaign Hopes To Tie To Obama

Related:

Presidential Candidate Dogs Annoy The Sh*t Out Of Us

McCain May Have Committed Vehicular Manslaughter in 1964

Crazy McCain Volunteer Was Not Marked With a "B"

Video of the Day: The Mourning After

Crazy McCain's Even Crazier Brother's Crazy 911 Call

Wired Magazine Tracking Real-Time Voter Fraud... So You Know Where To Not Vote

While You Were Sleeping: The Trial of Keanu Reeves

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Somebody has been taunted the German police by placing a Muppet over his face when passing speed cameras. (Obviously, this genius neglected to realize the authorities would capture images of his license plate.) The hilarious photo evidence is here.

MTV has posted most of its greatest videos online.

It's possible to find love online, even in your 80s. (Of course, the guy who got lucky on the internet married a woman much younger than him-- unfortunately for you 60+ ladies, even this guy admits he wasn't interested in women his own age.)

Bono's teenage ladyfriend insists they are strictly platonic, although we have to wonder what kind of strange friendship this rock star and his middle-aged buddy would have with two young female models other than the obvious one.

The Rothernberg Political Report now estimates the Democrats will capture 7-9 seats a week from today, putting the magic number ("60") within reach.

There's apparently something called "Farting Dog" and it involves the Jonas Brothers.

A photographer is suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly attempting to run him over with a car. (This is the same asswipe who watched the criminal charges against Keanu get tossed out of court and now is trying the greed route.) Seriously, dude? You get in the way of Keanu's car and you want to cry about being run over? Please go away.

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Isn't It Ironic? Jonas Brothes Lurve Britney Spears

Sloppy Seconds: Are Lindsay and Sam Finally, Really Engaged?

Paris Hilton Punks the Paparazzi

Moonlighting in Porn Development

Real or Fake? Nude Photos of Obama's Mother

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

We're serious-- these could actually be real, although one blogger has an interesting theory that would cancel out that possibility.

Of course, the real question is: why are we seeing these photos now, less than two weeks till Election Day? Could this be some sort of ruse by the Right, now that the Ayers-Socialism-Muslim smear campaign has obviously failed? We found this on a radical right-wing website that claims Islamofascists and left-wingers are one and the same:

It's amazing what there is on the internet. A geneological researcher has emailed me with three pictures of Obama's mother in the nude. That would be of trivial interest except for the setting in which the picures were taken. They were clearly taken in a sophisticated mid-century apartment and my correspondent suggests that the apartment details could be used to identify the photographer. He feels that the photographer is the Communist "Frank" whom Obama mentions as his mentor. That Frank was so intimate with Obama's mother would support the contention that Frank was in fact Obama's father. Various bloggers have pointed out how similar Obama looks to "Frank" and the coverup of Obama's birth certificate is certainly very suspicious...

Yep, these people will say anything to drag Obama through the mud (since they can't win on things like issues, facts, and reality)... and apparently they'll take as fact what "a geneological [sic] researcher" e-mailed them. Groovy.

One Google blogger ("Anna") disagrees:

Sorry, I just don't see it. For one thing Obama's mother always wore her hair long and the woman in the photos had short hair. I think
they are barking up the wrong tree here which is so sad because there are so so many right trees that they have available to them.

Ah... yeah... there's so much else they can hit Obama on... such as... uh... that he once shook hands with a guy at a rally who did time for unpaid parking tickets. Terrorist!

Anyway, back to the photos... here's one. Compare it to the one at the top left and decide for yourself...

Her face kinda looks photoshopped here, so we're going to call bullshit where no one else is. That's a shame, too, because someone needs to call these despicable right-wingers out on this continued nonsense-- guys and dolls, if you have to resort to disgracing somebody's mother in order to win an election, it's time to admit you may been on the wrong side of the aisle...

Here and here are the other pictures. We don't have the heart to post them.

Related:

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The Sarah Palin Porno... Revealed

Leryn Franco Makes Up For Missing Out On The Whole "Nude Olympians Craze"

Teenage Boy Busted For Receiving A Nude Picture Message

Hot or Not: The Lily Cole Playboy Cover?

Mom Sent 12,000+ Texts To Her Daughter's Ex-Boyfriend... Then Tried To Blackmail Him

Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:45:00 GMT

While it's still possible that the McCain-Obama race could end in an electoral college tie, it's much more likely that the race will go solidly for one ticket or the other. However, as Andy Sullivan puts it at Reuters:

If McCain wins Virginia, New Hampshire, Florida and Ohio but loses Pennsylvania, Colorado, New Mexico and Iowa to Obama, both candidates could end up with 269 electoral votes.

When put that way, it seems much more realistic that the election won't be decided by voters. (He's winning in Florida, Virginia, and Ohio in most polls, and New Hampshire is very close, and he'll likely lose all four of those states the scenario requires him to lose.) But before you get all freaked out about Dick Cheney or Nancy Pelosi becoming President-By-Default or something, here's what it really looks like is gonna happen... if the election were today...

From Politico:

On "Fox News Sunday," President Bush's former top political adviser, Karl Rove, said he now projects Obama would win 273 electoral votes–enough to take the White House—and has a chance at 102 more. Just two weeks ago, Rove had the two campaigns virtually tied. [Politico]

From Electoral Vote:

Obama 329 McCain 194 Ties 15 [obviously, this is bad for McCain, but in almost all swing states, the race could presumably swing McCain's way over the next 28 days]

Even worse for McCain is this somewhat curious site 270towin, which says that Obama only needs to pick up 10 more electoral votes to be unbeatable, while McCain-Palin need:

107 [and consider the following states "must win"] FL,OH,NC,VA,IN,MO,CO

To further confuse you, here's what many consider the definitive polling map these days, via Real Clear Politics:

Obama/Biden 264
192 Solid 72 Leaning
McCain/Palin 163
158 Solid 5 Leaning
Toss Up 111

Obviously, we're not going to give McCain all 111 of those votes just for the sake of argument... since nothing short of a gay sex scandal can send them careening the Republican's way that fast...

Looks like it's time for McCain to unleash the hounds... or something brilliant and similar soon... as in, yesterday.

Any ideas for what McCain should do now?

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BREAKING: John McCain Suspends His Campaign

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 20:16:00 GMT

Without warning, Senator John McCain, the Presidential nominee for the Republican Party, told the media he is suspending his campaign because of the country's major financial crisis...

At this point, it's unclear exactly what this entails. His campaign has yet to clarify whether or not this means he will make no public appearances, take no questions from the media, and run no TV ads. However, as of now, a few things have been made clear:

a) McCain wants to call off Friday's debate. (Why? Is he going to be working into the wee hours on legislation? Even so, the country won't buy it.)

b) This is not the first sign of trouble in the campaign this week. A story yesterday reported that reporters are calling McCain's bus "the No Talk Express" because of a sudden press silence. Palin, as well, has been avoiding reporters, even camera crews, on her various trips around the country and overseas. What is McCain up to?

c) Obama has just been handed either a) his own kryptonite or b) a huge bomb to drop on the McCain campaign. If he plays his cards right, the Democrat could paint McCain as a chicken, especially if he spreads the rumor that McCain's debate prep was so terrible he's actually just covering his own ass. If Obama drops the ball on this, however, McCain could easily paint Obama as more concerned with his silly little campaign than the very fate of our nation.

d) Ben Smith at Politico calls this latest move "a mark, most of all, that he doesn't like the way this campaign is going... [as t]he only thing that's changed in the last 48 hours is the public polling."

Obama is expected to make a statement soon, although all signs point to the possibility of his going after McCain and saying the debate is most definitely on... see MSNBC for more.

UPDATE: Obama says he's "inclined" to carry on with the debate. Also, the pundits are noting that McCain is asking for a "political free zone" until bailout legislation is signed, although, of course, it's in McCain's interest to stall the campaign while the latest momentum is clearly with Obama, especially when you consider the latest polls on which candidate is best ready to handle the economy.

While You Were Sleeping: Posing Nude For Fun Or Charity

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 13:09:00 GMT

Jude Law's new girlfriend is posing nude for the upcoming edition of Playboy in France.

If this guy keeps winning elections, maybe there isn't any reason to vote.

A conservative Canadian mayor is finding out that just because those nude photos of her made headlines over five years ago, people are still going to bring them up when she runs for higher office. Uncensored photo below:

A man in Monticello, New York is in jail after asking a random thirteen-year-old girl if she would mind posing nude for his camera phone. The reason we're pointing this story out is this: he was apprehended after a bunch of passerby, who heard him propose the same setup to a (legal) woman, became an angry mob and chased him into someone's house.

Perhaps you've heard of them, but we haven't: several English celebrities are posing nude for charity.

Hear about that attorney who had his client pay off part of her debt by doing stripteases? Surprise-- he was a cheapskate.

Speaking of quid pro quo arrangements: a staff member of a Utah high school plead to a reduced charge in his beer-for-nude-photos-of-the-boys-who-wanted-beer scandal.

Detroit's City Council President is now the city's new Mayor, following his predecessor's sex scandal, jail sentence, and eventual resignation.

Megan Fox's Lesbian (Stripper) Love

Michael Phelps Celebrates Gold Medal Wins By Groping Strippers

Today in WTF: Female Stripper Charged With Raping Customer

Top 5 Sex Scenes From "Chick Flicks"

Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 14:12:00 GMT

Not that we have anything against rednecks. We pass the "You Might Be a Redneck If..." test with flying colors — even after eight years in New York. So we're not judging him on the fact that he's a redneck, we're just a little concerned with the manner in which he's letting the world know.

Ladies and gentlemen, may we present to you, a screen shot of the myspace page of the future son-in-law of the woman who might ruin the world for women if she and John McCain are elected:

We can't really even blame the guy for this: he's 18. He's been hit with sudden, er, fame. In fact, we feel sorry for him. We're a little surprised the McPain camp hasn't stepped in to get him to at least remove the profanity, or maybe it's all part of their Republican charm?

When you follow the link to the blog, all asterisks are off!

Wanna know the real story?? I am a Fuckin Redneck!!
This is RIDICULOUS!!

Is this what bringing a new baby into the world is supposed to be like?

First off, my personal life is none of your damn business! Ive created this blog to help clarify the rumors and cheap shots taken by numberous media outlets, blogs, and even close friends.

As I'm sure you are already aware that for the last 48 hours, my life has been hell raised by all of the media attention surrounding Bristols mother, Governor Sarah Palin.

There should have never been an issue that involved Bristol and I; however, because of the attention that Mrs. Palin is receiving, the two of us (and our unborn child) have been sucked into this horrible mess that is weighing heavily on the both of us.

Thanks to the popularity of Myspace, our pages have been made private to protect our privacy and personal lives. We won't be accepting anymore friend requests simply because people are using the info that they find on our pages for all of the wrong reasons. Thanks to all of you who have supported us, those who have made it clear that this whole ordeal has gotten out of hand, and thanks even to the haters out there who think this is going to spoil the opportunities for my (soon to be) mother-in-law Sarah

For all of you who support Bristol and I during her pregnancy, we appreciate the support! For anyone else, leave us alone.

Levi Johnston

We're just trying to decide if he actually wrote this or not. It's fairly well written, though there are a few grammatical slip-ups. The thing that throws us off is the semi-colon. It's almost properly used. Maybe Meghan McCain wrote it and made a few errors on purpose? We used to do that for our little sister all the time.

[NY Daily News: Bristol Palin's pregnancy was an open secret back home]

Scanner Controversy: We Asked For It This Time...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 19:44:00 GMT

It's been two weeks since we last revisited our most cringe-worthy posts and made our peace...

Perez Hilton the Richest Chubby Recluse in Hollywood

Readers hated (and loved) on Perez and his love handles. Either way, we're clearly jealous.

Maxi Mounds And Her Boobs Break Guiness Record

No question, gargantuan fake boobs are nothing to give awards for.

Does Michael Phelps' New Girlfriend Wear Fins or Stilettos?

We gotta admit, Amanda Beard grows on us day by day... as does-- of course-- Michael Phelps.

If The Election Were Today... Round Two

This will always be controversial: asking people to look at a bunch of silly polls and make a guess who's going to win a Presidential election in three months.

Engagement Party Ends In Cheating, Beating, Arrest, No Makeup Sex

Just because he deserved a few smacks to the head doesn't mean we think she should be above the law for adminstering them.

What's It Like Being The Husband Of A Porn Star?

Surprisingly, few objected to living this guy's life...

Cosmo and AskMen in Steel Cage Match Battle of the Sexes

Equally surprising were the number of people who enjoyed these lists. Although, in retrospect, we did find them amusing.

Elizabeth Edwards: "I Stayed For The Kids"

Hey, we know everyone's innocent until proven guilty. Except when they secretly visit the hotel room of a mistress they probably haven't been seeing for a long time and are admittedly not sleeping with and claim that "some other cheating husband" made that baby that she brought with her to take pictures of you playing with. Yeah, okay, we'll be objective. (In the interest of full confession: I, Scanner Brian was an Edwards supporter from Dean's scream in 2004 until last week.)

Gay Hookup Website Founder Is on a Manhunt for John McCain

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:58:00 GMT

Jonathan Crutchley co-founder of the gay hookup website Manhunt.net has gone and offended some folks by -- gasp -- endorsing John McCain. Ah haha this is sweet perfection. Because, of course, McCain returned Cruthchley's maximum contribution of $2,300.

So Curtchley sang his love far and wide, he got booted from Manhunt by his co-founder and many loyal subscribers canceled their accounts, McCain's too good for his money and now he's back and, surprise, surprise, wants to support Obama.

Who is also, of course, not going to take his money either. Since when does a gay smut peddler get no love from politicians? This really must be an historic election.

Related:

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Can We Ask? Might John McCain Be Section 8?

Video of the Day: McCain's Running Mate?

Obama and McCain: A Contest Decided By Body Language

McCain To Find His VP On Google

John McCain Signs His Wife Up For Topless Contest

Obama and McCain: A Contest Decided By Body Language

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:09:00 GMT

The feature story on the front page of Live Science right now is about how the body language Obama and McCain use in public tell more about their candidacies (and Presidencies) than any poll or speech ever could...

Among the highlights:

1) McCain represents stability in how he stands firmly and holds onto the sides of a podium. By contrast, Obama has a forward-looking gaze and strolls about in a relaxed fashion during public appearances. Yet both men share an introspective quality that could make them strong leaders, each in his way.

2) McCain uses directional gestures that suggest bridging a gap, while Obama’s shaping gestures that suggest accommodation, the analysts say.

3) McCain also sometimes adopts a right-left style of walking where he shifts his weight — not unlike a cowboy swagger if taken to extremes, [Professor Karen] Studd noted. That contrasts with Obama’s more centered movement where he swings the opposite arm with the opposite leg. Obama's free flow approach may have its advantages, especially when it comes to public appearances where the candidates face hard questions.

4) "John McCain is ill at ease a lot, and Obama is rarely ill at ease although he's put on the spot," [Professor Karen] Bradley said. "John McCain sometimes looks like he's looking for the door, so he needs to work on that."

5) Both Bradley and Studd had pointed out McCain as a strong Republican candidate based on his body language, back in the early days when John McCain was (first) expected to do very well. Huckabee, who was an early favorite after winning Iowa, came off as charming and relaxed, they thought. Romney, they said, came off as less convincing and convinced.

See the full Live Science for an analysis of the candidates' relationships to their wives, plus much more...

Related:

FBI Agent Predicts Friend's Divorce Using Body Language

If Science Projects Could Talk...

If The Election Were Today... Round One

Top 5 Things McCain Should Do Now

Heidi Montag Endorses McCain; Alarmed GOPers Head For the Hills

Obama, Soccer Dork, May Be Involved In Mortgage Scandal

McCain Supporters Prove Idiots Continue To Procreate

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:52:00 GMT

Part of the problem is that you won't even be surprised what McCain Democrats are saying about Obama. Nonetheless, this stuff is still scary as hell...

Kirstie Hartle of Rome, N.Y., a registered Democrat who has never supported a Republican presidential candidate [said that] with Clinton out of the race, "I'm Republican all the way now."
She said she doesn't like Obama's name and thinks he has a questionable background. She also said she thought Obama was deceitful when he broke from his church after it hurt his campaign, and she doesn't trust him to handle the Iraq war.

"It sounds to me like a Middle Eastern type of name and whether or not he's born here in the United States, he doesn't seem like, to me, somebody who is trustworthy," Hartle said in a telephone interview. "You can't trust anybody these days, so who's to say he's not a terrorist and we just don't realize it yet?" [Right-- but, um, doesn't that mean McCain could also be a terrorist? Or maybe even... you?? Ed.]

When asked an open-ended question about the first words that come to mind about Obama, some former Clinton supporters used words like Muslim or terrorist. Those misconceptions have been fueled by Internet rumors that point out his name is Barack Hussein Obama but otherwise lie about his background.

"I refuse to vote for an Arab to be in my White House," said retired salesman Dean Johnson of Lanett, Ala. "That is the only factor. Otherwise, you couldn't break both my legs and make me vote for a Republican."

Never mind that John McCain, who was born in Panama, could arguably be deemed "unqualified" to be President based on this kind of logic, you readers know all this stuff is untrue, right? Barack Obama is from Hawaii, is not an Arab, Muslim, or anything else that racist, ignorant, bigoted, idiotic, right-wing Democrats (and Republicans) mislabel him as. And if he was, fuck you, John McCain is a Panamanian Vietnamese spy who staged the moon landing while pretending to be in a POW prison camp. So there.

Via the Associated Press.

Big Announcement: A New Presidential Candidate

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:33:00 GMT

We wanted to make sure you were the first to know. Full story here.

All kidding aside, the real story is that the first cracks in the "Democratic year" story the media has been trumpeting finally appeared yesterday.

The Co-Chairs of University of Iowa Students for Hillary have just sent out a Facebook message imploring the group's members to vote for John McCain -- or, if that's too hard to stomach, presumptive Green Party nominee Cynthia McKinney.
"John McCain is an honorable man," the letter states. "He is good personal friends with Hillary Clinton. He is qualified to be president. We do not agree with him on everything, and this is why we urge you to strongly support Democrats up for re-election to congress."

We understand you're bitter, but don't go imitating these ill-informed fools. Being "qualified" for the job is utterly irrelevant to the task of being President-- most great Presidents would be canceled out by this stringent rule, while Dickhead Cheney would blow them all outta the water. "We do not agree with him on everything"-- no, morons, you don't agree with him on anything. That's why you support Hillary Clinton-- she's everything John McCain is not.

Meanwhile, two Democratic Congressman have refused to endorse Obama, one saying that Obama is "the most liberal Senator." Obviously, Ted Kennedy, Chuck Schumer, Barbara Boxer, and many other Senators died last night.

Please let these be the first and last signs of fracture... Barack Obama is a better candidate, a better campaigner, and although maybe not all that we want him to be, he is light years beyond the Neanderthal that is John McCain, who seems stuck with President Bush in Medieval Times.

Via Politico.

Obama Pound: How Down Are You Quiz

Katie Halper — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 20:52:00 GMT

When Obama clinched the Democratic nomination on Tuesday night he made history by becoming the first presidential nominee to "pound" his wife in public.

Now the term pound has several definitions. Urban dictionary provides 30 definitions, for instance. Here are some of the best

1. A lot of weed. Can I borrow a few thousand bucks from your six year old mother for a pound of weed?

2. Poet that emigrates from USA an goes mad to the bone. One who usually wants to emulate Walt Whitman. Man in a cage. Nazi. My english teacher is great: he´s a pound!

3. Long Beach lb = pound. I got to Pound State University.Yeah, I was chillin' in Pound the other day

4. The knocking of fists as a form of greeting, departure, or respect. U jus gonna leave me hangin? Wheres my Daps

5. To feverishly fuck exceedingly hard in a fashion lacking any kind of romance whatsoever. I am going to pound Halle Berry in a way she could never even dream of.

To see how down you are with hip hop vocabulary, see if you can figure out which definition fits the Obama Michelle pound.

previously: Top 5 Things Obama Should Do Now

While You Were Sleeping: Bruce Springsteen Endorsed Somebody, And it Wasn't McCain

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:49:00 GMT

Apparently Beyonce is planning to retire. Yeah, like Jay- Z retired all those times? We don't buy it. [GabbyBabble]

Don't want to be all hunch-backed when you get old? Stand up straight. Or try this crazy ergonomic undershirt. [Gizmodo]

If Ashlee Simpson has a baby bump, this is the first ever picture of it. Like, first. Ever. That or she just had a burger and fries, which we can totally get behind. [FameCrawler]

Now that you mention it, yeah, why are most bodyguards black? [StereoHyped]

We knew it: Rachael Ray is a Repubican. [Radar]

Bruce Springsteen, however, is not. He endorsed Obama. We're pleased, but not really surprised. [Yahoo!]

Clinton's Got the Mojo, But Obama's Got the Hot Dog

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 13:00:00 GMT

And so we've come to yet another crossroads in this campaign. Today's the day that four key states vote: Texas, Ohio, Vermont, and Rhode Island. Two are no brainers (Obama = VT, Clinton = RI) and two are toss-ups, tied when you even out the polls, although the most recent numbers point to a clear favorite to come up on top today.

Here's a rundown on the recent news so you can more expeditiously return to reading about elfin porn:

Ohio: A must win state for Hillary. She's ahead by between 4 and 16 points, depending on which idiotic pollster you take seriously.
Texas: A must win state for Hillary. She will likely lose either the popular vote or the delegate race or both. Either way, expect the media to focus solely on the popular vote winner, even though the delegate count is much more important. (To explain: like everything else in Texas, the electoral system is crazy. There's a regular popular vote, plus a caucus, and the caucus winner will probably get the most delegates out of the state. Lost yet? Obama will win the caucus vote, but the popular vote is going to go down to the wire, like New Mexico did, and we may not even know the winner until tomorrow. Right now, most polls show a narrow lead for Obama, which should translate to something of a draw in the numbers, but a chance for Hillary's spinmeister's to shoot off a press release about "momentum.")
Vermont: Obama is expected to win easily here. Neither campaign is putting much effort into the state besides a few campaign offices.
Rhode Island: Clinton will win by between four and nine percent.

Unless the media spins the story from today as being a Clinton comeback, it will remain nearly impossible for Clinton to roll back toward the nomination. Obama is just too far ahead in the delegate count.

It's hard to fathom a more important political story today, but the trial of Tony Rezko may be right up there. Reports of Obama's involvement with Rezko, who is under indictment in Illinois for some good ol' extortion, money laundering, and fraud, could be very damaging to his campaign if the Senator can be linked to any wrongdoing. From yesterday's Times (UK):

Buried on page 59 of the indictment is a reference to one of many alleged kickbacks on a state contract that appears to have ended up as a $10,000 donation to an unnamed "political candidate".

The kickback was allegedly arranged by Antoin "Tony" Rezko, a Syrian immigrant who became a powerful political fixer in Chicago. The "political candidate" who benefited from the $10,000 has been identified as Barack Obama, the Democratic contender calling for "change we can believe in" in the presidential race, who is said to be a longtime friend of Mr Rezko. If that does wind up to be the case, with Obama actually being named as the actual "political candidate", it will be a political earthquake.

[Photo: New York Times]

About Time Obama Lightened Up A Little...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Senator Barack Obama, the great speechmaker and not-so-great speech-er (he too often buries his nose in his notes), showed his lighter side on Letterman last night. It reminded us of the legendary post-2004 SNL appearance by (President) Al Gore, giving everyone the feeling that if he'd just acted like a normal person during the campaign, he'd have easily beaten Bush. Luckily, it may not be too late yet for people to warm up to the Democratic Presidential candidate.

Here's the complete Top Ten from the Late Show:

10. To keep the budget balanced, I’ll rent the situation room for sweet sixteens.

9. I will double your tax money at the craps table.

8. Appoint Mitt Romney secretary of lookin’ good.

7. If you bring a gator to the White House, I’ll wrassle it.

6. I’ll put Regis on the nickel.

5. I’ll rename the tenth month of the year “Barack-tober.”

4. I won’t let Apple release the new and improved Ipod the day after you bought the previous model.

3. I’ll find money in the budget to buy Letterman a decent hairpiece.

2. Pronounce the word nuclear, nuclear.

1. Three words: Vice President Oprah.

He needs all the laughs and publicity he can get. After all, what with the Times endorsement of Hillary, this will not be a good day for him.

For more laughs, see another recent Obama Top Ten List, this one strictly "facts" about him.

[Photo: Associated Press/CBS]