Scanner : ex-girlfriends

50 Cent Releases Sex Tape To Attack Rap Rival

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 20:04:00 GMT

Never one to cede the spotlight to other rappers for any reason, 50 Cent has released a sex tape, ostensibly to continue his beef with Rick Ross, who is also an allegedly-famous person.

The sex tape is too XXX, even for us, and so we were only able to make it through this part...

50 appears in the opening of the video as some sort of Madea ripoff known as Pimpin' Curly. Here is his eloquent introduction, according to someone who must have the hearing of a Whisper 2000:

“Yo, check this shit out, man. I’m-a show you my bitch, man. Here go your baby mama, Ricky. Double R? Does that stand for Rick Ross in the middle of her muthafuckin' chest, man? Oh, this is cold blooded man,” he adds. “I told niggas I was the beast from the east man. They thought I was bullshittin'. I ain’t bullshittin' no mo', man. 1 minute and 30 seconds, nigga. You see the tape. It only been on for 1 minute and 30 seconds.”

“I want you to watch this on your tour bus, Ricky. I want you to watch this on your motherfuckin' tour bus, Ricky.
"Now, how the fuck you gonna say you a boss and you run a..." All right, you know what? We don't need any of this nonsense.

Here's a taste of the tape... followed by the alleged tape itself. Again, we didn't even make it past the beginning, so who knows how bad it gets? You've been warned.

Well, was it worth 13-and-a-half minutes of your time?

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While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Audrina Partridge had her home broken into by two very bizarre young citizens. In surveillance footage, they can be seen wandering aimlessly from room to room... and back again... and again... without doing much of anything, let alone steal anything or set fire to the place.

Arrested Development: the Movie was finally greenlit, thanks to lazy-assed Michael Cera coming aboard.

This oh-so-adorable young lady was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend's nutsack. Prior to this incident, they had broken up "approximately 20 times," yet she seemed rather surprised to find that the dude had another ladyfriend over for the night.

We were all excited to hear Andy Richter would be rejoining Conan on TV, but it turns out he's just going to be the announcer. Guess Conan's enjoying his solo career.

Can a resident of the UK explain to us why so many Brits use "miles an hour" in their speech? Does it have something to do with the universal use of nautical miles? (Oh, and check out the video we just linked to. The 71-year-old dude quoted in it is our new personal hero.)

The Beatles recorded a version of "Revolution" that was only recently discovered and you really must hear it.

Is McDreamy really leaving the hospital on Grey's Anatomy?

And Maxim men of the world, rejoice: Megan Fox is single again. But before you get any ideas... guess which first name she has tattooed near her crotch? She wouldn't even have to deal with that pesky removal process if she just returned our calls...

Megan Fox Is So Hot Right Now, GQ Can Just Recycle Her Photos

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Is This Another Murder-Coverup of a Black Man?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:03:00 GMT

Police in Mississippi want you to believe that Billey Joe Johnson, Jr. died of a self-inflicted shotgun wound to the head while in park during a routine traffic stop. Police want you to forget that Billey Joe was black, his girlfriend was white, and that the angry white father keeping them apart was a friend of the police officer on the scene.

They also want you to forget that the official report has one glaring inconsistency in the death of an all-star high school football player weighing several major scholarship opportunities.

But Johnson's family and the NAACP are questioning whether Johnson died from a self-inflicted gunshot. A lawyer for the family has said Johnson's wounds did not appear to be consistent with a shotgun wound.
Willie Gaines, head of the George County chapter of the NAACP, said he, like many others in the community, believes Johnson had too much to live for to take his own life. The morning of his death, he was scheduled to attend an awards banquet. [Denver Post]
A witness heard two shots, not one, at the scene where Billey Joe died, according to an independent investigation launched by the Mississippi NAACP. The pathologist in that investigation has indicated that it would be impossible for a bullet from a self-inflicted shot to enter in the manner that it did. He also said that given the length of Billey Joe's arms and the length of the shotgun, it would have been impossible for him to hold the weapon and fire it at himself. [dead link, via Color of Change e-mail]

Even with this evidence, will the truth ever come out? Did the cop shoot Johnson? Did the father of his girlfriend, who had been ordered not to see the boy? All we know is that on the night in question, Johnson tapped on the girl's window, where her mother was waiting or hiding or happened to be passing by in the inside hallway. The mother called the police and Johnson took off. Color of Change notes: "This fact was not a part of the original story given by the police."

Later, he was stopped for what the police say was a pair of traffic violations: running a red light and blowing a stop sign. The cop claims he was taking Johnson's driver's license back to the car when he heard a shot and the sound of glass shattering. He turned and saw Johnson's last moments...

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Website Tracks the Worst Personal Ads From Desperate Dudes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:32:00 GMT

Why Women Hate Men is another one of these websites/blogs designed by guys who are trying to impress women by how much they, too, "despise all the loser single dudes out there so pick me pick me!"

We must point out that, like all men, the individual purporting to be this site's webmaster is a dangerous degenerate. And if you think I'm being sarcastic or "humorous," you are sadly, sadly mistaken. (See above photo of owner for explanation.)

Here are some of this individuals examples of "why women remain single." We thought it was because moving costs are skyrocketing, but it shows you what we know about dating:

feeling very needy right now-39M

my girlfreind left me for another man leaving me all alone, Do you want to be helper in making my life better, I need someone to take care of me and cook for me help me wash my clothes and help me going to work until my car is fixed. I am 6 feet tall and avergae sized, would like to meet women, and please have car for work, i will try and help you pay you back. i am alergic to cats also so don't have cats

ALLOW ME TO HELP SOLVE YOUR HUSBANDS INFERTILITY PROBLEM

I am a 56 year old male. I have decided to get a vasectomy next month and I would like to impregnate a woman before I have this procedure done. It would behoove you to act quickly for maximum exposure to my sperm. I will only do this naturally without condoms. If your husband can't do the job, I can.

Having been asked previously by several couples who were friends of mine to donate sperm, I learned from their doctors that I have an extreme sperm level. I can give you multiple loads of sperm per meeting to increase your chances of getting pregnant.

Many of my physical traits are influenced by recessive genes. Therefore, it is most likely that the child would resemble the mother in most instances. It will be easy to deceive your family and friends into thinking it is your husbands child. It will be our secret. You will not see me again.

If you are 18-24, healthy, attractive, I am available to you. I will be very attentive, supportive, and encouraging, during this process. My vasectomy is in 5 weeks so it would behoove you to contact me as soon as possible.

Just a shot in the dark here, but I've been trying out VigRX for a little while now, and I do notice that I'm getting harder and longer lasting erections (while in self-satisfying mode). It's supposed to be a penis enlargement pill, but apparently it has viagra like qualities as well. I do feel a lot harder. Before, I couldn't keep it up for very long with my girlfriend, but now I think that it might be helping.

Was wondering if any ladies out there would like to help me give it a test run before I try it on my girlfriend. She won't be back for a week so I just want to make sure. Steven XXX-XXX-XXXX

I Know How To Make You Cum. Even If You Haven't Before.

And I know how to do it too. I got some pointers listening to some woman on a talk radio show. Listeners called in. They asked questions and she gave good advice. I listened and took good notes. Now I know how to make women squirt. I can get you there even if you've never been able to experience your "Big-O" in the past. I'm available to host or travel. David XXX-XXX-XXXX

And two more from other sites:

“Here’s my problem: I just adore mature women at least my age or that tend to be 10-15 years my senior. I am baffled by the “type” of rejection that I have been getting lately. Now for the fourth time a woman has told me that I am “too handsome for her” and for that reason she told me that she’s not interested. Can some of you women tell me how this can be? It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

“Morning. I woke up with a random idea to get some drinks this morning. Any girls interested? I’m not looking for anything in particular, just a new friend to enjoy a couple drinks with (i’ll buy of course). I’m well educated, have an amazing job and enjoy meeting new people. Would love to go to one of the 6am bars soon.”

There are 6am bars?! See you losers later, I'm heading there now to meet an amazing girl who can handle my unrestrained handsomeness...

Via Why Women Hate Men.

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While You Were Sleeping: Adam Sandler Loses

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Five banks were robbed on Monday in New York City. So far, no Depression-style Bonnie and Clyde types have emerged from these robberies or any others during the economic collapse.

Roland Burris, a former Attorney General, has been appointed as Obama's Illinois replacement in the Senate.

What is up with a country that starts putting diapers on its animals? Egypt, you have a lot of living to do.

Remember Tiffany Shepherd? She was the teacher who claimed to have been fired for having sexy pictures on her MySpace and a supposedly risque moonlighting gig. Now she's been arrested for harassing her ex's new girlfriend.

Never mind Jennifer Aniston, who took a backseat to a dog in that Marley movie anyway, Clint Eastwood and Tom Cruise were the surprise winners at the box office this weekend. The loser? Adam Sandler.

A soldier is suing the military for its "Christian bias."

Warner Brothers and Fox are unable to see eye to eye on the Watchmen movie, which means it may not be released any time soon.

And Iranian students, upset at Britain's support for Israel, stormed the UK's embassy in their country.

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E! Names Another Obscure Woman as the Hottest in the World

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:35:00 GMT

And, what the hell, you won't have heard of their #2 choice either...

Lingerie model Karolina Kurkova has been voted the world's sexiest woman by E! entertainment television, beating sultry actresses Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johansson for the honor.
Czech Kurkova, ranked by Forbes magazine as one of the world's highest paid models, was dubbed by E! as "she of the mysterious belly button" due to media speculation about what appears to be an unusually smooth navel.

Of course, if you're a devoted reader of Scanner, you may have actually heard of this woman before. Remember this, from back in June?

Does this woman look "fat" to you? Well, according to one Brazillian newspaper, the #6 highest-paid supermodel in the world isn't ready for the runway, and other outrageous statements for which "WTF?" seems too polite a reply.
According to several sources, none of which named the "local paper" in Brazil that made the alleged comments about Karolina Kurkova during Sao Paolo Fashion Week, the Victoria's Secret hottie, who made $5 million last year, was derided for having
back fat, love handles, and cellulite.

Sympathy vote? Or just a random asshole who thought he'd get himself some free publicity from attacking the (future) hottest woman in the world? Either way, we don't care.

The #2? Leo DiCaprio's old flame Bar Rafaeli:

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Your Next Significant Other Should Be...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:12:00 GMT

The Frisky had a post the other day called Your Next Boyfriend: The 100 Qualities He Should Possess.

It created a bit of controversy, mostly blowback from guys who were upset about Entry #13, of course: He "…will be tall."

This, along with some of the other more questionable nominations, got us thinking: what do you want in your next girlfriend, as a response to the Frisky's list, and what should have been on the list or what do you agree/disagree with on the Boyfriend list?

First of all, let's start with Pipi's response:

I think that trying to make a list like this and look for a guy who has all of these qualities will leave you depressed and alone forever. No girl, let alone guy fits all 100 of these things. Id be surprised if I even did half of the things on this list.

And compiler Amelia's reply:

Oh no, it’s not that the guy has to possess everything on this list. It’s that he should possess the qualities on this list that are important to you.

So, keep Amelia's original intentions in mind: what are important qualities to you? We'll start things off:

...will give us the male equivalent of "pampering" once in a while

...will be respectful of our guy friends, even if they don't have the same taste as you, and to not assume all our female friends are ex's

...will give us the benefit of the doubt when we say "no, really, it's just been a rough day."

...will find a city rooftop a pretty romantic place to spend a sunset

And so on... in the comments section, please...

Check out the original story, via the Frisky, before you write in.

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Feet Magazine So Gross, Even Foot Fetishists Will Puke

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 20:32:00 GMT

(No) thanks to the reader who alerted us to the gross/amusing oddity that is Feet Magazine.

The blog, which features unseemly extreme close-ups of toes and cuts on the feet of Hollywood stars (including this one of Denise Richards.)

The pictures on Feet Magazine are about 20 times larger than this one, of Scarlett Johansson's toes, ankles, and a very blue carpet. If you want to see what we're talking about, just start browsing here.

Why do people even want to see extreme close ups of feet? An ex-girlfriend who worked in brain mapping in DC explained one general theory: that in the map of your brain, the feet are right next to your sex organs on your sensory map. Some people, if we remember the argument correctly, have the feet part overlapping the genitals part and so they are extra-excited by feet. (It doesn't, to our mind explain why someone else's feet would be so thrilling, versus having your own feet caressed.) Perhaps we'd better let an expert explain this phenomenon:

From a review of the book Phantoms in the Brain, about research conducted on people who could "feel" their lost limbs and even experienced iches in nonexistent nooks that drove them crazy.

[O]ne of the more memorable examples was the woman who developed sexual feelings in her phantom foot. It turns out the parts of the brain that process sensory information for the feet are adjacent to those for the sexual organs (according to the Penfield map). Assuming that the latter brain area expands thanks to the sensory vacuum created by the missing leg, it seems reasonable to think that the feeling in the phantom limb might be a mixture between the two. This may also account for foot fetishes. Interesting.

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Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:38:00 GMT

Who is this Sex Pistols reject and why is he allowed to peer down Lindsay Lohan's cleavage?

Love her or hate her, Lindsay Lohan still has the best boobs in Hollywood, or at least the best cleavage. And as you can see, Lindsay's 15-year-old boyfriend, Sam Ronson thinks so too. Now that's one lucky kid. Could you imagine still being in High School, and getting to date Lindsay Lohan? I think it's every young boy's dream.

Har har. The real story is that Lindsay and Samantha Ronson (who is actually a 31-year-old female DJ from Los Angeles, despite these cheap jokes) were in Bryant Park for Fashion Week, where news reports of an impending marriage have them avoiding the press. More importantly, there are the beginnings of lesbian baby reports:

British newspaper The News of The World claims the Mean Girls actress has approached one of her former boyfriends to help with the conception. A source close to Lindsay tells the paper, "Lindsay is in a very happy place at the moment. She's been having deep discussions about a baby.
"She wants a natural birth and has spoken to Sam about getting one of her ex-boyfriend's to help out. They don't want to adopt." [News.au.com]

Disappointingly, this "source" (of bullshit) doesn't know or won't say who the ex is. But whoever it is, they are sure to say yes... they'll say yes to anything while lost in Lindsay's #1 boobs...

Top photo via Egotastic.

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New Orleans Politician Arrested While Getting-- How Perfect-- A Lap Dance

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 12:01:00 GMT

Our idiot of the day is State Senator Derrick Shepherd, who was busted for assaulting and robbing his ex-girlfriend at his house (which he claims isn't his house), while getting what officers figured was a lap dance...

1) In the wee hours of Saturday morning, Shepherd, who represents a district in Louisiana's Jefferson Parish, began throwing rocks at his ex-girlfriend's bedroom window (according to the unproven claim by the ex, of course.) When his ex made the huge mistake of letting him in, he thanked her for her courtesy by punching her in the stomach.

2) The ex then locked herself in a second floor room. Most guys would get the hint by now, but not this Senator: he fought valiantly for her attentions, damaging the door in the process. Somehow, the ex subsequently escaped from the house, but...

3) ...for some insane reason, decided not to go for help, reentered the house and "shoved," she says, Shepherd out of it. That was when she discovered that her cell phone and $100 was missing.

4) Cops showed up a little while later at an address they knew to be Shepherd's. Shepherd, you should know, has been fighting charges that he does not legally reside in the district he represents. (The house where the police found him at, which everyone knows is his full-time residence, is actually three miles outside the district, which would make him ineligible for the seat.)

5) The cops enter and find two unidentified women (hookers? strippers? transvestite stripper hookers? what, tell us!) plus Shepherd on the couch. One of the women is performing the act that Tila Tequila is failing to do in the above picture. The NOPD arrest Shepherd.

Okay, this is all fine and dandy so far, but where's the payoff? Not to worry, we won't let you down:

6) The article goes on to state that

the [missing] phone was later found at Shepherd's home when he was arrested. [The ex apparently] sustained abrasions to her left wrist and her lower abdomen.
In April, Shepherd was indicted by a federal grand jury on five criminal charges, including mail fraud, conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud, and conspiracy to commit money laundering. Prosecutors say he fabricated records at his law office to give unlicensed bond broker Gwen Moyo access to $141,000 in checks written to one of her companies whose accounts were frozen by the state Department of Insurance. He kept about $65,000 and returned the rest to Moyo and her associates. About $20,000 of that amount was used to pay campaign debt, according to the indictment.
In his comments to reporters Sunday morning, Shepherd responded to the newest charges by saying he can take it if people criticize him, but it's a different matter if people threaten his mother or sister.
"The only thing I'm guilty of is not calling the police first myself," he said.

Ah, the old They Insulted My Mother sympathy trick! We haven't seen this since police started laughing criminals into custody for this one a hundred years ago. Since then, most people are intelligent enough to either keep their mouths shut or come up with a better excuse.

Please don't resign (yet), Senator Shepherd. You're keeping us highly entertained...

Via NOLA.com.