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Sloppy Seconds: The Summer Days of Our Slutty Lives

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 23:09:00 GMT

Sandra Bullock is "not sure" she wants kids. Apparently this warrants a news story. [Us]

We blame South Park for making us laugh every time we see the word "probe" no matter the context. Today's laughable headline: "Police, 50 Cent see house fire probe differently." Sort-of sounds like something that could be cleared up with a little Preparation H, right? [Yahoo!]

As long as we can remember Emily has been one of the top 10 baby names for girls. This year, we're at number three. And we're pretty sure we've dated at least one of each from the baby boy section. [SSA.gov]

Sorry for the late notice on Free Chocolate Day. [The Inquisitr]

Firtexting: apparently more than just a thing to do when you want some booty. A site? A book? A worldview? [BuzzFeed]

Apparently all of those soap operas we watched with the summer between first and second grade (and second and third and third and fourth and fourth and fifth... well, you get the picture) turned us slutty. [KIDK]

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Famous Girl Trying To Find Guy Who Lost His Jacket? Total Fraud

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 18:18:00 GMT

For the last week or so, the whole of the internet has been trying to determine whether this YouTube video and series of news stories is real or staged by an attention-seeking "actress." Here's how we figured out the truth...

In order to avoid giving this woman and her annoying clothing designer's viral marketing campaign any added publicity, we'll refrain from a few of the details. A Sydney Morning Herald story from the other day claimed the 24-year-old met a guy at a cafe, hit it off with him, didn't get his number, and later noticed his jacket had been left behind. She took the jacket home with her and left a "Lost and Found" note with a waiter, who is quoted in the article as saying she is "genuine," as if there was some sort of question about her tale's legitimacy already. The national media picked up the tale of love at first sight and the blogs were linking to her website, which she had turned into an ad for herself, but for this anonymous guy's enjoyment only. She posed in his jacket and made sure we all saw her underwear... and the coat's supposedly top-notch lining.

Then, this:

1) She knows just enough about the guy that it sounds like a full description, but it sounds like a full description written by someone trying to make up a generic, imaginary dude. For example, for this Sydney Morning Herald story, she couldn't describe his face whatsoever, but she knows he was wearing jeans, a white shirt, and black shoes. He's "six foot tall, toned, and hot"? That could be anyone.

2) In the above video, she never mentions the name of the cafe she found the jacket in. That right there tells you with absolute certainty that she's a fake... or an idiot.

Other bloggers are beginning to weigh in on this-- insisting that this is another obnoxious viral marketing campaign. Aren't there laws against this kind of thing? When advertisers started putting subliminal messages in movies and other media, governments passed laws to stop the practice; maybe they should ban the same thing-- "false news reporting as advertising" or something? "Internet video advertising without proper identification?"

In any case, the woman has since taken down her very obvious website, which depicted her posing provocatively in the jacket, making sure that the jacket looked even better she did in her underwear.

Here's the original article.

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The Onion Called It Seven Years Ago...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

First, they predicted the emergence of Joe the Plumber in a story published in the nineties. Then, they perfectly encapsulated the Bush Administration... just days into W's first term.

The story went on to "quote" Bush on his administration's support for nation building, something Bush the Candidate had said he was against.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

In a high-profile story today that was picked up by CNN, MSNBC, and various other outlets, Joe Garden, an Onion editor and our pick to replace Conan O'Brien when Conan takes over the Tonight Show, had this to say:

Writers at the satirical paper still speak reverentially of the story, in which Bush promises to take the country into a deep recession, worsen the environment and "end the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton."
"Wow, was that prescient," marvels Joe Garden, the Onion's features editor.
"We get asked a lot if we secretly want Republicans to win since there's so much more material," [assistant editor Megan Ganz] says. "The thing is, we always say, we have to live in the country, too. And also, when stuff is really going bad, it's harder to make jokes." [CNN]

Check out the original story here.

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Video of the Day: Are the Olympics a Trap?

While You Were Sleeping: The Revenge of Harold And Kumar

We Call BS On The Onion's Topless Cello Players Story

How to Trap a Man in the Web of Your Thick, Flapping Eyelashes

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 17:37:00 GMT

The always scientific and cutting edge Psychology Today takes on the burning question of why long eyelashes on women are attractive to the opposite sex. There are three brilliant discoveries and, of course, some great tips on how to pump those lashes!

Super serious scientific reasons for wearing mascara are as follows:

1. The fact that you cared enough to change out of the sweatpants and put on some mascara means you're down for sex.

Simply having bothered to decorate one's lashes suggests a desire to be noticed. It's like putting out a welcome sign inviting others to approach and check out the artwork. And once they're caught in that frame of luscious lashes, they'll have a hard time looking away.

2. Mascara can make you look like the little girl every man naturally desires.

A pronounced contrast between the eye area and the skin is a symbol of femininity. A woman's darkened lashes also make her sclera (white of the eye) look lighter, a sign of health and youth.

3. For some totally inexplicable reason long eyelashes mean you want someone to take care of you. Because you look like a infant. And who doesn't want to leave their coworker's birthday party with an infant.

Longer eyelashes bring adult facial dimensions closer to the proportions of a baby, possibly eliciting sympathetic, even protective, responses from a beholder.

All right ladies, now you've got all the tools and information you need to go out and feign total and complete childishness making the hormones of some man built in a test tube rage until he can't resist taking you home and undressing you on his parent's futon. Happy Friday!

One of These Things is Not Like the Other

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:41:00 GMT

One of these three headlines is fake, the other two appeared on CNN.com on Monday:

A) For this couple, 10th marriage is the charm
B) KKK vendor fights to sell his racist goods
C) Law to make tongue kissing minors a sex offense

They all should be fake, but only one is...

"A) For this couple, 10th marriage is the charm" is fake. The other two did appear verbatim on CNN.com on Monday, March 10.

That's the premise of new news quiz website Rare Dolphin, updated with unfortunately true CNN headlines daily. It's a little like NPR's "Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me" news quiz, but more fun for news geeks because we all get to play.

[Rare Dolphin]