Scanner : faking it

How To Tell If She's Faking It, By An Orgasm Faker

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 22:35:00 GMT

We have to confess, there have been times when our female partner is having an orgasm that we raise an eyebrow and all but blurt aloud, "You expect me to believe that? That's the pillow case touching you down there!" Or something like that.

Anyway, one woman has finally come forwarded with the information we've been waiting for: a list of signs to watch for if you suspect your partner of faking it when doing it...

Are her lips red?
When women climax, their lips (both sets, but most noticeably her facial ones) turn a little bit redder and slightly swell.

Has her breathing and heart race increased?
While it's easy to fake moaning and groaning, it's harder to fake physiological symptoms. During orgasm, her breathing should sound faster -- almost slightly erratic -- and her pulse should quicken.

Is there an increase in lubrication?
You shouldn't have to reach for the KY, her juices should be flowing freely at this point.

Does her vagina feel tighter?
During orgasm, women experience pelvic muscle spasms and vaginal contractions.

Did her nipples harden?
Almost all women (around 95 percent) have hard nipples during climax.

Can she hold a conversation?
If she is truly having an orgasm, aside from the occasional "Ohmygod" or animal-like grunt, she shouldn't be able to say much. If she's talking in complete sentences, chances are she's not coming.

Is she smiling?
OK, while this reaction isn't guaranteed, most women reactively smile after achieving The Big O. We feel relaxed and satisfied, so really, what's not to smile about?

The only problem with this post is the author's assumption that fakers are only doing it out of genuine love for their partners:

Here's the thing Bros: women will not fake it for just anyone. If we did not care about you, we would not waste the time or energy. If we did not want a repeat performance, we would not stroke your ego and let you think that your maneuvers left us trembling. Because honestly, if I really didn't care about you, I'd say, "This isn't working for me" and draw you a diagram of the female clitoris.

By a show of hands, how many of our readers are fakers? That is, you fake it on a regular basis... for those of you without anonymous logins, how about you tell us a story about your "friend..."

Via the BroBible.

Bedpost Beta Will Make You Feel Like The Slut You Really Are

No Foreplay For You

Russians Confused By, Not Necessarily Believers in the Female Orgasm

Scanner Highs and Lows: Will The Real Fake Fakers Please Stand Up?

Emily Farris — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:33:00 GMT

You know it's a good week when real vampires get pissed off at fake vampires... or is it real fake vampires getting pissed at fake fake vampires?

Highs:

We found our new favorite man-boy band.

Our token Canadian helped us celebrate President's Day.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We laughed so hard at Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop we almost peed our pants (okay, maybe we did a little).

We were validated, yet again, in our Crazy Cat Ladydom.

We also feel a lot better about that nervous breakdown we had at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

We totally crushed on Playboy's newest play boy.

We looked at Kate Moss semi-naked and got a little jeal-jeal of her cute little tats.

We went shopping.

We discussed our girl parts, twice.

We fell in love with LOVE.

We need you to put a baby in us. Right now.

Lows:

Now we know how we do not want to die.

Looks like somebody's putting Johnny in a corner.

We found another beard we simply cannot endorse.

We recalled, for the umpteenth time, how we lost our virginity.

We learned that we are not unique.

Apparently, we cannot earn Weight Watchers activity points for sex.

We learned that fake fake vampires are pissing off real fake vampires.

We bid a fond farewell to Con-nan O'Briaaaaaahhhn.

And a bittersweet farewell to a crazy-ass chimp.

We don't want to be Obama's elf.

Barbie got even skinnier.

But this might be worse than all that.

Video of the Day: How Not to Fake a Courtroom Heart Attack

Emily Farris — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 19:07:00 GMT

http://view.break.com/531358 - Watch more free videos

He just looks too good, right? Maybe he should have peed his pants or something.

Website of the Day: 101 Things Every Man Should Know

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:30:00 GMT

We're not sure why these are specifically things a man should know... or if he really needs to learn them at all. (Must we learn how to smoke cigars, for example, if we think people who smoke cigars smell like a barf-filled A train at 4am?)

There are some obvious entries in the WEBook page for "101 Things Every Man Should Know..."

It's Not What But How A Man Does [there are no direct links]

Plan A Romantic Vacation

How To Make Your Place Fit For Female Company

...and some less-obvious, more gender-neutral ones:

How To Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket

Changing The Tire On A Car

How To Roll A Joint

We're pretty sure we'll never need to know how to fake an orgasm, but WEBook Writer Melissa has other suggestions on this thread, which you should comment on: What SHOULD every man know how to do?

(Also, check out "Looking Good in A Speedo," which we expected to consist of two words ("You don't") but instead, miraculously, goes on for almost 1,100. And most importantly, the site is a work-in-progress and is still accepting submissions. We may write something about Chivalry And Not Expecting To Be Rewarded For It...)

Via 101 Things Every Man Should Know How To Do.

Photo of one of the great gentlemen, Cary Grant, courtesy of Ultra Orange.