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Shia LaBeouf's Oedipus Complex

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 May 2009 17:49:00 GMT

We're all for boys respecting their mothers and even for thinking that Mama is the most beautiful woman on the planet. But Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull star Shia LaBeouf might have just crossed the creepy line when talking to Playboy.

When asked by the magazine who he thought was the sexiest person he knew, he said it was his mother. But LaBeouf didn't stop there.

“Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She’s an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick as that sounds.”

It does sound sick, Shia. But, on the bright side, this is probably good news for fangirls who look a little like Mama LaBeouf.

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[Via The Inqisitr]

Man Commits Suicide by Stabbing Himself in the What?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

This may be the craziest way to die we've ever heard.

Experts say it's very shocking when someone, as in the case of singer Elliot Smith, commits suicide by knife because of how painful and prolonged the plunge can be. (We promise the story we're about to tell is much more subdued than that graphic sentence.) That kind of self-inflicted stabbing has nothing on what one Chinese man did to himself...

A very confusing report out of China indicates a man was admitted to the hospital due to some sort of poisoning fear. There may also have been some external bleeding. X-rays soon revealed that the man had a knife inside his body and that the knife had entered through his... yeah, we won't finish that sentence lest you vomit. According to the man's nephew, the victim shoved the knife up his anus in an attempt to kill himself, likely over an outstanding debt from a recent surgery and a generally rough life.

The report seems to say he survived and made a full recovery, then goes on to talk about how he's deceased. We can only speculate that the one odd paragraph (about his survival) is incorrect or was supposed to be updated, while the rest of the story is accurate. Or maybe some bored Chinese newspaper made all this up and we're falling for it.

Either way, we've finally found the story that trumps the anal absurdity of the woman about the vicar admitted to an English hospital with a potato up his butt.

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Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 20:25:00 GMT

We've been reading about this story for a few days now, but we were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yes, this story is so shocking, we assumed it was fake, exaggerated, or rife with accidental factual errors or some combination of the three. Unfortunately, though, the Galveston Police Department has not released a plausible denial, so we have to assume that, to a large extent, this is a true story...

Here's what we (think we) know:

1) A 12-year-old African American female is playing in front yard in Galveston, Texas two years ago. Out of nowhere, a van pulls up and three men jump out, call her a prostitute and grab her. When she screams "Daddy, Daddy," they clamp her mouth shut and beat her on the mouth and face. Her father responds to her cries (hero!) and starts beating up the men (not heroes.)

2) The men (if one can call these pieces of shit that) turn out to be police officers. All kosher so far, right? Whoops-- it turns out they were plainclothes cops, didn't identify themselves as police (big no-no, as any boy in blue will tell you), and were supposed to be responding to a report of three Caucasian prostitutes in a different part of the neighborhood. What excuse did these officers provide for seizing on the pre-teen black girl? She was wearing "short shorts." (We'll refrain from making a crack about how all preteen girls would be prostitutes under these guidelines since, well, preteen girls are surely acting more and more like prostitutes these days, anyway...)

3) The girl, who is an honor student, was released and subsequently arrested while in school, where she is an honor student. She was charged with "assaulting a public servant"-- which itself is almost a sick joke, since every word of that charge is a boldfaced lie.

4) No one heard about the case for two years because, quite justifiably, the girl and her family were afraid to tell anyone. An intrepid reporter spotted the ongoing case on a court docket and blew the lid off the whole thing. Of course, the mainstream media are ignoring the story-- probably because the family is poor, black, from Texas, and probably unwilling to cooperate with the obnoxious press. We can't say we blame them, although we hope that this gets major publicity and that all three police officers lose their jobs...

...if this is a factual story, of course.

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Dad Uses Cheapo Supplements To Treat Daughter's Infected Heart, Girl Nearly Dies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 17:52:00 GMT

When she was admitted to the hospital, one Australian girl was described by a doctor as "the sickest girl I've ever seen" and was running a temperature of 42 degrees Celsius. (For those of you keeping score in crazy America land, that would be about 107 degrees Fahrenheit.) Her mouth was peeling, black, and she could barely breathe thanks to her throat being stuffed with pills.

Now that she's confined to a wheelchair and suffering from brain damage, the eleven-year-old girl's father is off to six months in prison. But what is his crime?

According to various sources, it's not stuffing the pills down her throat or even waiting so long to take her to a doctor. It's the fact that he used alternative medicine-- in the form of widely discredited supplements called Mannatech, which aren't even supposed to treat anything. They're basically vitamins, according to the product's official website, which notes the pill is designed to optimize "skin, weight [loss], physical fitness and general health." When the girl's mother learned of her ex-husband's drug of choice, she decided not to intervene, lest he attempt to take away her custody.

Dad's lack of understanding of basic medicine, however, does not explain why he didn't take her to the hospital when her condition grew grave. The media is forgetting that it isn't the alternative medicine that's the biggest culprit here-- it's the parents' neglect. And before you say it's all Daddy's fault (he is mostly to blame, to be sure), let's not forget Mom worrying more about what's best for her and not gambling a bit of future paternity to intervene with, say, the police.

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Sloppy Seconds: Is The Pill Making the World Unhappy?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 22:52:00 GMT

As if we need to remind you to switch to Firefox, a new report says Internet Explorer has another major security flaw.

Anthony Keidis came close to having kidney failure.

Did you know this weekend's box office included the biggest bomb in the history of movies? It turns out Delgo, which has a "D" average on Yahoo!, made just a half a million dollars back on its $40 million budget. Delgo is actually an independent film produced by an Atlanta entrepreneur and would've been a great slap-in-the-face to the Hollywood studios if it had been a success. We wanted it to be a great film, but more importantly, we wanted it to succeed outside the system. Such a shame...

The Cleveland Clinic has completed the first face transplant in the U.S.

Phish will headline Bonnaroo.

How did one North Carolina high school decide to honor their spelling bee champ? Guess.

A man is wanted by the courts for paying his $56 traffic fine. Paying his fine-- he paid his fine. Of course, he paid it with 112 rolls of pennies, which may have something to do with the problem...

Thank God: Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber named their kid... Samuel. Phew.

A four-year-old boy snuck out of his house in the middle of the night, crossed a seven-lane-highway, and broke into a dollar store to play with toys. Kid, piece of advice... if you're going to commit a toy burglarly, Toys 'R Us might be more bang for your (literal) buck.

A man is in custody today for plotting to (literally) cut off his former son-in-law's balls.

The Pill is going on sale over the counter pretty soon in the UK. But is it... making us all unhappy sex fiends?

And Carmen Electra (see above photo) can't get enough of Playboy.

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The Latest Kool Kid Kraze: Vodka Tampons

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:14:00 GMT

Back in the pre-Roman era known as the 1990s, dumb kids all over the world inserted vodka-soaked tampons in their vaginas for a serious "contact high" and to avoid being caught with booze on the breath.

The following should disprove any notions you might have about the recent resurgence of the practice among alcohol-crazed teens...

1) Just because you put booze in your vagina, doesn't mean mom can't smell it on your breath. That odor has to go somewhere... and it's not going out your ass. Science tells us that the lungs help expunge the putrid stench of the devil's brew-- assuming, of course, that you haven't resorted to drinking to dull the pain of your marijuana-clogged lungs.

2) Having alcohol inside your vagina is worse for your poon than Ron Jeremy. It can cause the wrong kind of bleeding into the tampon.

3) Indeed, you won't have a woozy stomach, but hopefully that doesn't make you say, "Forget the rest of these red flags, I'll do it!"

4) No one is quite sure if this practice, which is still popular in crazy, backwards countries like Columbia, Brazil, and-- Sarah Palin's favorite-- "Africa," is actually real. Videogum disputes it, saying:

Possibly one person ever did [that], but now like 50,000 stay-at-home moms are going to have "The Vodka-Soaked Tampon Talk" with their kids tonight.

5) As a sociological experiment, you should do that tonight. Seriously, have a talk with your 12-year-old (hell, your four-year-old) about vodka-soaked tampons and report back to us on the conversation....

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Man Gets 4 Years For Doing Something Horrible To Grandma's Dog

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:51:00 GMT

We were in Clearwater, Florida for Thanksgiving this year and heard a story so creepy, even we didn't want to write about it.

Which, as you know, means this is one you won't be able to brush off, no matter how much you drink to forget...

In court nearby, a twenty-year-old man named Nicholas Densmore (hopefully no relation to the Doors drummer-- or anyone else, for that matter) was being sentenced to four years in prison and one year's probation for raping a Yorkshire terrier. What's worse, it was his grandmother's dog.

And his grandmother caught him in the act.

Claudette Densmore spotted Nicholas hanging out with the dog in her family's motor home. When she approached, he took off running and dumped the dog in a trash can nearby. The dog tested positive for... oh, really, do you want to know? You don't. What makes this story all the more bizarre is that Nicholas's entire family testified in his favor and claimed the boy is schizophrenic, was off his meds, and should be at home where he can be supervised... by his grandmother. (Fark-ready tagline: "Why do they hate animals so much?")

Now that we think about it, was it wrong to put this guy away for four years, in light of what we know about his medical problems and the family's steadfast support?

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Breastfeeding: If You Can Ask For It, You Don't Get To Do It

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 19:39:00 GMT

Prepare yourselves for the most terrifying thing you'll see all week: an eight-year-old who's just full of love for her mother's fun parts. In her own words, breast milk is better than "a million melons." Mom likes that her daughters breastfeed almost into adolescence because it shelters them from the sad, scary world...while making the world sadder and scarier for us.

We are all for breastfeeding, but someone needs to draw the line when the kid will have breasts herself in a couple years.

Meet your new nightmare:

Life with the Obamas... in the White House

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:06:00 GMT

Leave it to a British newspaper to give us the lowdown on what life will be like for our next first family...

Plus: the best story about Vice Presidential sex we've ever heard...

The Mirror, England's splashiest tabloid, had a great piece yesterday detailing the family lives of previous U.S. Presidents and how the Obamas would compare. Among the more memorable speculations and revelations:

1) Obama will get rid of Nixon's famous bowling alley (which, we should add, was actually built as a gift to Harry Truman, who rarely used it) and install a basketball court, where he hopes to take on pro ballplayers.

2) Here's one we hadn't heard: at meals outside of the White House, Secret Service agents will take drinking glasses (and possibly dishes and utensils) from the President after he's done with them and destroy them elsewhere.

3) The President and his family are billed for their own meals and dry cleaning, a fact Nancy Reagan found out after a full month into her husband's administration.

4) Obama will not be allowed, at least by the Secret Service, to bicycle around D.C., which he enjoys doing, and will have to stick to shooting hoops, playing pool, or working out in the exercise room.

5) Sasha and Malia may attend the same private school Chelsea Clinton did and bring slumber parties to the White House.

6) Best of all, Obama and Mrs. Obama will have distress signaling systems.

Obama will be given a set of panic buttons: One for his pocket, one on his desk and one beside his bed. They are credit card-shaped and simply have to be squeezed to summon a posse of agents.

At one time, the President and Vice-President were given three-inch-high models of the Washington Monument to put beside their beds. They had simply to knock them over to summon the guards.

But the models were abandoned after Vice-President Dan Quayle - noted for being clumsy - knocked his over late one night while making love to his wife.

In seconds, the door burst open, the lights went on and Mrs Quayle was thrown out of bed to the floor as bodyguards flocked around her husband to ensure his safety.

7. And, according to People Magazine:

Besides the all-weather tennis court on the South Lawn and the grand piano on the second floor, [Sasha and Malia] will have their own pastry shop, swimming pool, bowling alley and movie theater – complete with a popcorn cart.

The White House also comes with a staff of ushers and pastry chefs to ensure birthday parties will never be the same. They plan slumber parties and scavenger hunts that no Supermom can hope to rival.

More via the Mirror.

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Cheating Wife Claims To Still Love Her Husband... After 18 Month Affair

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 18:22:00 GMT

Face it, if you cheat on somebody for a year and a half, you probably don't "love" your partner, at least not in the traditional sense. Far too often, people use the L-word (not that L Word) to describe their feelings, when they really mean "I'm really attached and dependent on you."

We've never seen a more perfect example to back up this argument than a woman who we came across in the Daily Mail today when reading that story about the eight-year-old's makeover party...

The rundown is basically this: a woman with a husband and daughter started an affair with a married man, an affair that has been going on for 18 months. She is absolutely crazy about the guy and doesn't want to break it off-- but, surprise, she can't bear the thought of hurting her husband, whom she loves. Whatever we think of the situation and this woman, we absolutely do not believe she is still in love with her husband, although she claims to be. Her behavior in no way reflects an understanding of the word as we understand it. Here are some of the comments in the Daily Mail:

-Has it occurred to you that your husband might eventually be better off and happier with someone else?

Don't we all have the right to search for a faithful partner? Yet unbelieveably you claim to be denying him that right in order to "protect" him! Such charity! But what will actually hurt him more? The truth, followed by recovery and the freedom to find someone faithful, or a lifetime shackled to a partner who's betrayed him, without ever again having the option of finding one who won't?

Where's his choice in this? Do you really feel you should decide on his behalf whether he stays with an unfaithful partner? Have some courage. At least you won't lose your child, unlike him!
-I am sorry, but am I meant to feel sympathy for your plight which you have so inevitably brought on yourself. If you truly loved your husband you would have not started the affair. I hope your husband, family and friends find out what you are really like which is a very dishonest person.

The only person you are thinking about is yourself which is utterly selfish. Either admit to the affair and undergo marriage counselling or get a divorce as your husband and the lovers wife deserve honesty and love. Which you and your lover seem to be destroying.

All I can say is I hope karma pays you a visit and you get what you deserve as you certainly have no morality.

If you're strong enough to fend off your feelings for someone else, then you are probably in love. If you're not strong enough to break off an affair that's spiraling out of control, you aren't really in love enough with your husband anymore. Or maybe you're just a weakling. Either way, we have to agree, you don't deserve the guy. Whether you readers think marriage is an institution you think works for us horny humans is beside the point-- the reality here is that this person put her faith in somebody and then has betrayed them over and over again without cause. It's time to do the right thing and leave him, since he deserves someone who loves him.

Sorry for the rant, but this one had to be done.

Via the Daily Mail.

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Today in the Apocalypse: Makeover Parties For Little Girls

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:07:00 GMT

Did you know more than thirty percent of ten-year-old girls worry about their body image? Did you just barf in your mouth a little?

Good, because now you're really in for it: makeover parties... for eight-year-olds...

A furious mother who, of course, prefaces her remarks in the Daily Mail by saying that she's not "prudish" (compared to what?), has something to say to these parents who want to make single-digit daughters into double-digit whores:

A few days ago, my eight-year-old daughter Bo came home from school with a bemused expression on her face. One of her friends was hosting a makeover party.
Bo instinctively knew that she would never have been allowed to attend. I was utterly appalled. Frankly, I would rather cut my left arm off than let my girls wear make-up.
I was horrified to discover that some mothers believe it's acceptable to invite little girls of seven and eight to a party for the sole purpose of having their hair and make-up done.

In the States, I know they offer body waxing for girls as young as seven.
With major supermarkets selling 'sexy' thongs for five-year-old girls or tops with provocative writing, our children are becoming objectified and sexualised well before their time. It's a paedophile's dream.

We knew about high heels for babies, but not about thongs for five-year-olds or (ewwwwwww) bikini waxes for kids. Is it time to make these things illegal-- obviously not the makeup party, which is just plain poor parenting and nothing more-- or what?

Via the Daily Mail.

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Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:03:00 GMT

We mean costumes celebrities wear, because obviously a straight couple dressed as Sam and Lindsay is too obvious.

And by celebrity costumes we mean "besides the costumes they wear to premieres and when getting out of cabs without underwear." The Halloween kind of costumes...

Liv Tyler and her gang... but seriously, who wants to see these pictures...

...let's make this a Top 5 Sexiest Celebrities In Halloween Outfits list instead...

5. Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin

Okay, we're half-joking about this selection...

4. Lauren Conrad "put on a pretty little sailor suit and cap," although she won't get that reference.

3. Someone needs to tell Heidi Klum there won't be a Catwoman sequel for her to star in...

2. Christina Aguilera and Some Dude play doctor

1. Lindsay Lohan tied with... Lindsay Lohan

Remember: it's the costume, not the celebrity, that makes these hot. By that same page, who can tell when Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are wearing costumes?

If anyone can send us links to at least five decent sexy male celebrities (we couldn't really find any in Halloween costumes, although some decent sex tapes did pop up), we'll do a Part Two.

Pics via Cityrags, the World of Isaac, and other sources

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Crazy McCain's Even Crazier Brother's Crazy 911 Call

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:10:00 GMT

First, there was the woman who called 9-1-1 to report that her fast food order was incorrect. Then there was the guy who wanted to complain about his pizza delivery order being slow. And now, the circle is complete.

John McCain's brother, Joe, who recently made the news when he criticized the incompetent numbnuts running McCain-Palin '08, is once more in the spotlight and causing his brother an embarrassing headache.

ABC's Political blog has the alleged transcript:

Operator: 911 state your emergency
Caller: It's not an emergency but do you know why on one side at the damn drawbridge of 95traffic is stopped for 15 minutes and yet traffic's coming the other way?

Operator: Sir, are you calling 911 to complain about traffic? (pause)
Caller: "Fuck you." (caller hangs up)

Stunned, the operator *-69's his ass, leaving a message after a voicemail reveals his identity:

"Hi, this is Joe McCain. I can't take this message now because I'm involved in a very (inaudible) important political project... I hope on Nov. 4th we have elected John."

Not with your help, bub. Meanwhile, Joe figures out they're on to him and calls 911 again, this time to chew out the operator. He may or may not have been connected to the same one:

Caller: Somebody gave me this riot act about the violation of police.
Operator: Did you just call 911 in reference to this?
Caller: Yeah.
Operator: 911 is to be used for emergencies only, not just because you're sitting in traffic.

Zing! Or something like that. Anyway, before you cry "media bias," just let us know if another Joe (Joe Biden, that is) ever makes a guffaw this humiliating and we'll run it...

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Scandals Clinging To Sarah Palin Like Trig To Her Pantsuit

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Forgive the obnoxious headline-- we're serious that Sarah Palin is becoming bogged down in scandals.

Troopergate is, of course, the one investigation she hasn't been able to talk her way out of. With that hanging over her and threatening to derail the McCain campaign, a second major revelation broke last night, one that probably won't change any hearts or minds about the Republican VP candidate...

Palin's power-crazed tenure as the very popular Governor of a heavily Republican state has seen a pattern of ethical lapses and outright abuses of power, topped by this one: According to an Associated Press investigation, Palin is believed to have:

1) charged the state of Alaska for expenses incurred, including airline tickets, to transport her children to their father's snowmobile race.

2) amended her expense reports to falsely claim the children (and the family, of course) were actually on these kinds of outings as part of "state business."

3) charged the state for a trip to New York she took with Bristol that including a five-day stay in a high-priced hotel... all for a five-hour leadership conference in the city that took place on only one of those days.

4) when reporters began inquiries as part of this investigation, Palin allegedly ordered unspecified reports altered, usually adding either "First Family attending" or "First Family invited" in an attempt to justify the presence of her family even when the family had not been requested by event organizers.

It was also noted that Palin's tax records has already raised questions because the family did not report its reimbursed travel costs as income.

The article is rather extensive and includes expanded meditations on these allegations. Read it in its entirety here.

Meanwhile, Palin is expected to give a deposition in the Troopergate investigation at Friday's hearing.

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Teenage Boy Busted For Receiving A Nude Picture Message

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Here's one for the ages: a thirteen-year-old boy has been busted for possession of child pornography after a female classmate sent him a nude cell phone photo...

The boy, a student at Sanger Middle School in Denton County, Texas, was arrested, kept in a detention facility overnight, and suspended from school after he received the unsolicited message. As one parent put it, "He doesn't know what a felony means. He doesn't understand what pornography means." His mother added, "He's a 13-year-old child. He's in middle school. He's supposed to be out there having fun, hanging out and playing football, which he loves to do. Instead, he's having to sit at home with mom and dad."

Notice Mom isn't at all concerned, it seems, about the fact that her son is getting nude photos from middle school girls he knows. Of course, if he doesn't know what porn is, he's probably not having sex either, so maybe their lack of concern is appropriate. (However, and though we'd rather defend than prosecute this kid, he probably should have deleted the photo right away, especially since school officials caught on and warned everyone to delete any inappropriate photos immediately. After all, he does live in Texas-- we wouldn't be surprised if he was tried as an adult, sentenced for four hundred years in jail, then watch as the sentence is "commuted" to immediate execution by firing squad. Just kidding.)

Read more about the case here. UPDATE: Just to be clear, the above photo is of a model for a porn site... at least, that's what a porn site has claimed. See my comment below...

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Mom Sent 12,000+ Texts To Her Daughter's Ex-Boyfriend... Then Tried To Blackmail Him

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:45:00 GMT

Yes, we pretty much summed this one up in the headline... but you know there are thousands of these a day and if we're printing it, you know there's a lot of devil in these details...

An unnamed Illinois woman is being investigated for harassment, child pornography, and blackmail after her daughter's ex-boyfriend's family contacted the police. Wait till you a) find out what the unnamed woman does for a living and b) how old these kids are...

1) Police seized computers and cell phones from the woman's Elgin, Illinois home and her place of business. (We'll get to that momentarily.)

2) Police claim the woman sent approximately 12,302 text messages-- wait, how did they count them all?!-- just in the first seven months of the year to her daughter's ex-boyfriend. The boy's family waited all the way until August before contacting the cops. W... T... F?

3) When the harassment didn't work, the woman and her son, defending his sister's honor, threatened to release nude photos of they boy on the internet if he didn't see the dumpee "twice a week."

4) The strong-willed ex-boyfriend's age? A whopping thirteen-years-old. It takes some serious self-determination to not cave to that kind of harassment and blackmail, especially since it took so long to go to the police. (Either this girl was insane herself or this guy is our new personal breakup hero for his determination.)

5) Here's the best part. As the Chicago Tribune article reveals at its conclusion:

On Sept. 23, the woman left a message warning the boy she would "send the pictures and video of him to his teacher and minister to show them he is not a nice person," the search warrant stated.

Oh, and this mother's job at the school? She's a teacher.

God, we love Chicago.

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Reason #8,847 Not To Sleep With A Bali Hooker...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:03:00 GMT

This is one of the most bizarre family custody cases we've ever heard about.

It involves a man, a hooker, a mom, a five-year-old girl, a series of judges, one STD... and, hopefully, a happy ending... no pun intended...

According to Strollerderby, this is the story of:

1) Man in Australia gets married, his wife has a five-year-old daughter. Daughter contracts an unnamed STD.

2) Wife leaves man, saying he cheated on her and gave the daughter the STD. But how did he give the daughter the STD?

3) Man tells judge: "Hey Judge, it was nothing more than this ol' pro I rented out on vacation in Bali." Judge says: "Suck it, I'm taking your daughter away." (Actual transcripts unavailable.)

4) Man tells appellate court judge, "Dude, I was serious about that ol' pro thing. I think I gave the undisclosed STD to my daughter via a towel we shared one day." Judge: "Yep, that sounds about right" and gives the man custody again.

5) The internets throw a shitfit:

That a judge would put a child back in the home of a suspected molester without being 100 percent certain is creepy enough. But so is the fact that a number of STDs could easily be passed to a child - even, according to reputable health sources, by a shared towel.

Innocent until proven guilty, people. Of course, the guy deserves at least some punishment for cheating with a hooker in a foreign country while he had a wife and family back home-- when are people going to realize that cheating has major consequences for those around them?

Via Strollerderby.

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Cameron Diaz Would Like To Date You... If You Meet Her Demands

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 14:48:00 GMT

Cameron Diaz, in this month's InStyle cover story, has said the perfect man (at least for her) will meet the following diva-like demands.

Actually, they're pretty reasonable...

"My list is all about balance. You can have smart but not funny. You can have funny but not very smart.
"You can have intellectual but not social. But I want it all!
"I love big brains, I love to eat, I love to be outdoors, I love to have conversations, I love to make love.
"I don't do anything half-assed and I want someone who can keep up with all that."

In other words: she's looking for a smart guy who isn't necessarily funny (or vice versa), intellectual and not annoying to your friends, eats a lot, goes out in the woods for a hike on occasion, is good in bed, can carry on a decent conversation after sex, and is 100% committed to life.

Right.

And what do they get in return?

“I know I have what a 25 year old has, but she doesn’t have what I have. My boobs and butt aren’t doing too bad either, know what I mean?”

Oh, we know, Miss Diaz, we know. Sure, you may be smokin' hot and have somewhat reasonable demands, but what's it like dating you?

“I’m a woman, of course I’m dating. I trust my judgment, if I’m not sure about him, I’m cautious”

“I thought I would be married and have three kids by the time I was 22. Am I going to have a baby? Who knows? I don’t. I’m not going to live my life looking just for that."

Before you get too excited, remember that Miss Diaz has a boyfriend already... so, in the end, this is all just a big tease...

Via IMDB and Daily Stab.

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75 Nude Bicyclists Rally Around Dad And His 3-Year-Old

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 16:02:00 GMT

Picture this: you're a cop in Vancouver, Canada. You have your doughnuts and your Molson Ice (or whatever it is you Canucks think is sooo awesome) and you're sitting there at your desk in the small city's proportionate precinct house, when all of a sudden...

...75 naked bicyclists swarm the station like a flash mob chained at hip, chanting and hollering at you for following orders...

It seems a nude bike ride turned chaotic when it was pointed out that a three-year-old boy was present and that his father was planning on taking both their clothes off. Event organizers got involved, the police were called, and the man agreed to keep the kid's underwear on. Sure enough, he was pulling a fake out, and the kid was seen riding around in the buff. Cops swooped in, the organizers pointed out the "perv," and he and his son were hauled away.

But it didn't end there, according to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:

The father was arrested at the scene of the bike ride under public nudity laws.

Schmidt said the boy was in tears as police took him and his father away, and the arrest prompted the group to cycle through downtown Vancouver to the police station.
"The leaders of this event do not support what the guy did," one cyclist who declined to give her name told The Canadian Press. "I think that's wrong. The kid's a minor."

[Constable] McGuinness said it appeared the man afterward regretted his actions.

"When they were leaving (the scene) it was under the understanding that perhaps he hadn't shown the best judgment; there were a number of people that took offense to the child being naked in the group and subjected to people's scrutiny," she said. [Seattle PI]

Yeah, we don't think he showed the best parenting skills when he ripped the kid's clothes off in public... or when he decided it was okay to have the kid see naked people in mass numbers. (See, it would've been okay if the kid was to being around a lot of naked people-- but we're guessing this was the first time he was forced to take his clothes off in front of strangers. Speaking for ourselves, the whole thing would have made us ill at three years old, for sure.)

Via Flickr.

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Hallmark Gay Marriage Cards: Political Heroism Or Plain Greed?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:55:00 GMT

We understand Hallmark is a business-- in the entertainment business, if you will. That's why we almost understood their use of the word "queer" as a punchline in a greeting card (it actually wasn't as bad as all that.) But are their latest wedding cards cynical, because they waited for the cultural tide to turn in favor of gay marriage before they had the guts to mass produce them?

Here's the full photo ABC News has of the card due out soon:

For those of you with eyes even worse than ours, the card reads: "Two hearts. One promise." Hell, we wouldn't be surprised if people walk past it in the greeting card aisle without even picking up on the fact that both cover characters are wearing tuxedos. Of course, this doesn't mean Hallmark has been able to slip this one past the crazies at the American Family Association, which pressed "SEND" on their instant, fill-in-the-company-name boycott press release fax machine:

Hallmark Greeting Cards has announced it will begin selling same-sex wedding cards, even though same-sex marriage is legal in only two states. The purpose, they say, is to satisfy consumer demand. It appears that their purpose is also to push same-sex marriage. Last year Hallmark began offering "coming out" cards - as in "coming out of the closet" -- a euphemism for announcing homosexuality.

We've all given or received Hallmark Cards – remember their slogan – "when you care enough to send the very best." But promoting same-sex marriage for profit is not the very best for families or our nation. [If you're looking for a link, sorry, we don't give out page views to hate sites - Ed.]

As various media outlets have already pointed out, the Hallmark cards are a step forward but also not even offensive to gay marriage opponents-- after all, the language is neutral, meaning there's no mention of "marriage" or even "gay butt sex." For all the AFA knows, these cards are for "commitment ceremonies," which probably wouldn't shut them up but maybe would keep a boycott from succeeding.

What do you think? Should Hallmark be praised or condemned for these cards?

Image via ABC.

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Today In WTF: 22-Year-Old Guy Robs A House... His Mom's House

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:31:00 GMT

Sometimes news stories make you beg for more. Sometimes they make you beg to figure out why the reporter didn't ask some majorly important, obvious questions.

In this case, our first one would be: how the hell does a kid rob his own house? Why didn't he just wait for everyone to definitely leave the house, open the front door so it looks like somebody came in, then takes everything out the back, load up a car, and drive it to the pawnshop?

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Here's the story, in order:

1) A 22-year-old and his 15-year-old friend (wha?) break into a house on Tuesday.

2) The 22-year-old's mom comes out, since it turns out to be her house, and says, "Like, what the hell are you doing, boy?"

3) The boys flee, but not before firing shots in the air to warn the multiple family members now entering the front of the house to see what's going on.

4) The family called the police, who dispatched a dog, which captured and bit the 15-year-old. The 22-year-old gave himself up without a fight some time later.

5) This was only the coda to their long rampage: the gunslingers are being questioned about a string of earlier robberies that took place earlier on Tuesday.

Much of this info was gleaned from the very thin Seattle Times story.

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Elizabeth Edwards: "I Stayed For The Kids"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 18:39:00 GMT

John Edwards, who is a no-good chauvinist who tried to shrug off (clearly) fathering his girlfriend's child as being okay because he "did not love her," at least told his wife about the affair before the press heard about it and her cancer had returned.

In a detailed story by People:

Elizabeth Edwards was furious and distraught about her husband's betrayal, but she decided to keep her marriage in tact, in large part, because of her terminal cancer and the prospect that her children will one day be motherless, those closest to her said. In 2007, doctors diagnosed Elizabeth with incurable cancer.

A friend of Elizabeth's is quoted as saying that the almost immediate reemergence of Mrs. Edwards's cancer kicked her feelings into high gear, and she was forced to confront her future and make a decision ASAP:

"She couldn't say, 'Well, maybe we'll work through this for years, or maybe we should separate for two years,' " said Hargrave McElroy, Elizabeth's friend. "(The cancer) forced her to choose whether to move forward."
"She was struggling with being out there," McElroy said. "She did strikingly less campaigning than she did" when Edwards was the 2004 Democratic vice presidential nominee.
"Part of the burden for Elizabeth had been the lie," McElroy said. "She anticipated the great relief the truth brings."
But John Edwards' public confession did not bring the relief that Elizabeth anticipated, the magazine reports.
The confession has been crushing to Elizabeth because of how badly her husband's image has been tarnished.

No wonder Elizabeth privately wanted Edwards to endorse Hillary Clinton: the two are practically on the exact same wavelength about their husbands...

[Via the NY Daily News.]

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Missouri Republican Resigns To Spend More Time With Family, Soon Gets Arrested For Sexually Assaulting 14-Year-Old

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 19:33:00 GMT

We've heard plenty of stories lately of hypocrites in public office being exposed by arrests, lawsuits and/or divorce. None of them can compete with the unsettling, sad, and just plain laughable (not at the victim-- at the numbnuts who are alleged to have committed these) crimes Rep. Scott Muschany, R-Frontenac, was charged with yesterday...

Muschany surprised Missouri politicos by declining to run for re-election following last sessions expiration, citing family reasons. Note that the session ended on May 16. The very next night, Muschany allegedly plied his mistress' 14-year-old daughter with alcohol and sexually assaulted her while his mistress, an employee of state government, watched over them. (Jesus-- guess he wanted to have a sick retirement party.) Let's go over that again: says he's above wanting more power over family obligations, immediately goes out and not only returns to cheating on that wife and family, but rapes an underage girl.

Muschany, 42, was booked into the Cole County Jail today at 2:50 and he was released after posting a $5,000 bond. If convicted, Muschany faces a fine of up to $5,000 and a prison term of up to 7 years.

What the fuck? What is this, Bermuda or Switzerland? Correct us if we're wrong, but this takes place in Missouri... which is in the South... which, in some places, consider heroin possession an automatic lifelong prison sentence and that it's okay to protest the funerals of dead American soldiers as long as they have a religious motive for doing so. SEVEN YEARS? Better yet-- five thousand dollars?! This guy is a greater danger to society than Osama Bin Laden's thermonuclear detonator...

Won't someone think of the children? We're not kidding. What the hell is this?

More from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch story:

The girl’s father told the Post-Dispatch that his daughter told a sibling about the alleged assault a few days after it happened, and the sibling told the father on May 26, the father said. He called the child abuse hotline the next day.

"I believe what my daughter told me," the father said.

The girl’s 17-year-old brother told the Post-Dispatch his mother told him she has known Muschany for about two years and that they had been seeing each other romantically for about a year. The woman is a former House employee who now works in a different department in state government.

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Here's A Promotional Idea: Park A Hot Tub Full Of Naked Women In Your Storefront Window

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 18:41:00 GMT

In another sign that either the world economy is in dire straits or that gallery owners are getting more creative, two naked women horsing around in a bathtub have caused traffic jams, near accident, a raised profile for the art exhibit they are supposedly involved with, and, big surprise, return fire from your favorite kind of group of all time...

...a conservative families coalition.

The exhibition by world-renowned Brisbane artist Tracey Keller features 25 original acrylic paintings on linen depicting naked women in various poses.

In the stunt, two apparently naked women take a bath together and separately from 5pm to 7pm in the gallery's window, in candle-lit scenes reminiscent of those made famous by Mena Suvari in the movie American Beauty.

The Queensland branch of the Australian Family Association has expressed serious concern about the local exhibit, although the police have done nothing since there have been no formal complaints.

[The Association's] President Mark Holzworth described it as "childish, immature, teenage schoolboy voyeur stuff" that added no credibility to the gallery or the artists featured.

"This will not attract art-lovers, it will attract voyeurs which is not good for Brisbane or women in general," Mr Holzworth said.

"I thought we had grown up as a society. Not even brothels would be this brazen to promote their services."

What services is this gallery promoting? It's promoting art, not $5 blow jobs by a highway ramp, dumbass. Why don't you stop by for some $4 wine and smelly cheese, Mr. Holzworth, and sit back and enjoy...

...although the following photo is VERY NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!

Too late now...

Via News.com (AU)

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Male Mormon Missionaries Go Topless For The Hell Of It

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:02:00 GMT

Shocking-- men without their shirts on? And in the 21st Century? This is unprecedented, and certainly far to risque for a wall calendar... my God, what's next, Mormon Missionaries topless on a wall calendar?

That pretty much sums up the typical reaction of members of the Mormon church to Chad Hardy (with a name like that, can gay porn be far behind?), who is about to launch the second smash edition of "Men on A Mission 2009: Mormons Mxposed," which is apparently some sort of pun...

"It's progressive because they are daring to step outside of stereotype and an image that so many people hide behind."

Hardy says he's stepping up against the Mormon church. He says church leaders have asked him to stop production of the provocative pics.

Hardy says no can do -- he has business partners who are not of the Mormon faith.

Hardy, who is a sixth-generation Mormon, was banished from the faith on Sunday (how fitting), but appears unfazed by the insult. Certainly the third edition could then feature-- gasp-- almost naked dudes? Naw, we'll probably have to wait another hundred years for something of that magnitude...

More photos here, while the full story is here, via AZ Family.

Sloppy Seconds: Just How Good is Mini Me In Bed?

Emily Farris — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 21:16:00 GMT

We'd be so pissed if our sibling wrote a book about us and spilled all of our secrets. Apparently, Madonna isn't as close to her brother as we are to our sister. [Queerty]

Christina Applegate's ex-boyfriend Lee Grivas was found dead from an apparent drug overdose. [People]

Ashley Alexandra Dupre has decided to drop her $10M lawsuit against Joe "Boobies" Francis. [Radar]

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban welcomed baby Sunday Rose Kidman Urban into the world today. [Yahoo]

We like to look at Ryan Gosling. Do you? [Daily Stab]

Ranae Shrider, the woman from Mini Me Verne Tryoer's sex tape, would like you to know that what he lacks in size he makes up for in technique. [MollyGood]

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Be My, Be My Little ManBaby

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 16 May 2008 19:42:00 GMT

Aw, man and baby swap heads. Totally disgusting. Absolutely adorable. It's like a husband and a kid in the same unfashionable package. They should start genetically engineering this shit. Jump into the kiddie pool with our favorite man-baby melds below.

It's not much of a stretch to imagine grandpa as a baby what with the exposed gums and the diapers.

Look it's the poster for Little Man 2. That baby cannot wait to breastfeed.

Why Does This Cute Old Man Have Three Guns?

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 14:22:00 GMT

Duh. Because he has cancer.

"When I was diagnosed with cancer I found myself and my family in need of protection. I was too old to fight, too sick to run, and since cancer took my vocal cords, I couldn't yell for help. I purchased my first ever firearm."

Hm. What about Life Alert? Shouldn't every senior citizen have Life Alert? Since he's cute—and sick, and old—we'll move on to Jessica. What's her excuse?

"I'm just one little girl in the world."

Thanks, Jessica. That's exactly what young girls need to hear: women are powerless and guns will make us powerful. To each her own, we guess, but it's this picture that really disturbs us:

Caption this?

We grew up in a place where people were often shot randomly on the street and we were all but forced to fire a shotgun for a Girls' Scout badge, so we're not exactly fans. But some people luuurve their firearms, and they have their reasons. We even understand there are a few good arguments out there for civilians owning guns for purposes other than hunting, not that we agree with any of them.

If you're interested to find out why Americans own guns—even if you just want to laugh and point or roll your eyes in despair—check out "Armed America: Portraits of Gun Owners in Their Homes."

[Armed America via Didn't You Hear?]

(Yes, we know it came out in 2007 and you may have already seen it, but we thought the five year-ish anniversary of the Iraq War was as good a time as any to share.)

Garfield Minus Garfield = Zen

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 14:31:00 GMT

There's something eloquent and rather zen about Garfield Minus Garfield, the blog that removes the fat cat from each day's strip. But how about giving other comics the same treatment?

From an e-mail exchange:

BF: Brilliant. We should try this with all comics, especially Cathy.
KO: Yes. Three empty panels would be the best "Cathy" ever.
MC: Cathy is already a self-parody. What about losing those dead grandparents in Family fucking Circus?
BF: Well, that's the joke. Without Cathy, "Cathy" the comic is a bunch of blank panels, which is way funnier than "Cathy" the comic.

If anyone's a genius at Photoshop, maybe they can take some other comics out there and make existenstenial gems out of a particular strip and send it to us? We'll credit you, of course.

In the meantime, enjoy this old Family Circus parody, with a naked dolly riding her toy horse, complete with some submitted captions:

Yes, tell me all about your new job, honey. - Oliver Klosoff
Did you enjoy the Fellini festival, Dear? - anon
"OK, now Simon Sez: run to the neighbors yelling 'No, daddy, no!'" - Jeffy
You'll enjoy it more if you don't ride sidesaddle, dear. - anon
Yes dear, but Lady Godiva had a reason. - Roxanne LeReaux

Clean Flicks, Clean or Not?

Emily Farris — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 19:39:00 GMT

Clean Flicks, a web-based video rental service, promises "movies you can trust." They can promise this because they once edited out all the dirty bits before shipping the DVDs off to you and yours (or your right wing NeoCon cousin in Alabama), and after they were prohibited from editing films, they now offer a database of purely family-friendly movies. But how family friendly are the people behind the business?

Until a copyright infringement ruling (we think), there was also a company called Flix Club that offered similar videos. Recently, the founder of Flix Club was arrested and charged with sexual abuse of a minor. Somehow misinformation quickly spread the news that he was the founder of Clean Flix, and not Flix Club. Now Clean Flix is scrambling to save it's once squeaky clean image, claiming to have no relationship with the founder of Flix Club.

Apparently, though, the two companies do have some sort of relationship (uncovered by Christianity Today), but it's a little too confusing and sordid for us to try to get right here. And if you're interested in learning more about it, you should go here.

(Thanks, Frank!)