Scanner : fat

Sloppy Seconds: When DIY Sex Toys Do You Wrong

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 22:01:00 GMT

Women, would you cry at work? And do you think it would be good or bad for your career? Five women weigh in. [MarieClaire]

Men: if you want to live long enough to have sex in your old age, don't get fat. And no, it's not because women will find you less attractive. [CreativeLoafing]

Here's the trailer for "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs." [SeriousEats]

We are all about high-powered sex toys, but attaching one to a saber saw (similar to a jig saw)? That just makes our vagina cringe in ways we never knew possible. Note to everyone: saws will saw through sex toys! Ouch! [BoingBoing]

Bruce Willis married his girlfriend Emma Heming in a private ceremony. [Yahoo!]

Matt Lauer was absent from the "Today" show this morning after an ill-fated run-in with a deer. Apparently, the NBC personality was riding his bike over the weekend when a deer jumped into his path, causing him to flip over the handlebars. [NYDN]

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Weight Watchers Does Not Endorse That Kind of Exercise

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 17:29:00 GMT

Hey, Scanner Emily here. If you recall, one of the promises I made to myself when I moved to the Midwest was that I would not become a fat Midwesterner (you know, I've got to maintain that svelte size 10). So, I turned to the old weight loss standby, Weight Watchers. I use the online program and get really excited when I can trade in my daily walk or my less regular run for an extra serving of pasta. You see, Weight Watchers offers activity points for all kinds of activities: walking, jogging, running, biking, dancing, golf, horseback riding, motorcycle riding (really?) and even barn cleaning. But what does the list not include?

No activity points for sex? Really? Because we're pretty sure that you can burn at least 250 calories with decent sex, right? I guess if the time ever comes again, I can at least add it. And hopefully it will be 'high intensity.'

Related:

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Life Imitates Art, Minus the Thong

When Tina Fey Was "Fat"

Somebody Pass the Creamy Cum Crepes!

**Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt**

Top 10 Hottest Women Size 10 and Up

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Life Imitates Art, Minus the Thong

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:15:00 GMT

Scanner Emily here. One of my conditions for moving back to Kansas City was that I would not become a fat Midwesterner (others involved not getting knocked up or becoming addicted to meth). To make sure that didn't happen, I signed up for Boot Camp—three very early mornings a week I work out very hard while a very small woman yells very loudly. She also plays music, generally a mix of 80's, 90's and a bunch of super-contemporary stuff I've never heard. But imagine my excitement when this song came on today—while I was working out!

No one else in the class could understand why I worked out a lot harder while this played.

Related:

Video of the Day: sexyATTACK

Having a Healthy Vagina Does Not Involve Exercise

Fatties: Get Up, Get Out So You Can Still Get it Up

"Men's Health" is All About Getting Dudes Laid, Safely

Hey Fellas: Let Me See That Trowel Roll!

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

When Tina Fey Was "Fat"

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 20:23:00 GMT

You love Tina Fey now, right? But would you have loved her when she was not really fat but considered fat by Hollywood's standards? According to her and Maureen Dowd, and possibly Steve Martin, maybe not.

We haven't received our Vanity Fair in the mail yet, and we'll admit, we just skimmed the online version of Maureen Dowd's profile of the funny lady to find the quote about her famous scar. But the kids over at Daily Intel, who are much more diligent than we are, went through the article and pulled out all the quotes regarding Fey's previous, er, heaviness. And, well, fuck.

• "Her food-obsessed doppelgänger on 30 Rock, Liz Lemon, longs to … go home and eat a big block of cheese."

• Fey's husband describes her in what Dowd calls "her pre-glamour-puss days, back in Chicago. 'She was quite round,' he says, 'in a lovely, turn-of-the-century kind of round — that beautiful, Rubenesque kind of beauty.'"

• "Her true vice is cupcakes. I’ve brought her a box [Ed: Is Maureen Dowd being kind of a bitch here or is it us?], one frosted with the face of Sarah Palin. She chooses that one, which is bigger, joking that it’s O.K. if she gains weight before her Annie Leibovitz photo shoot in a few days, because 'Annie’s going to photograph my soul, right?'"

• "When it comes to her looks, she’s both forgiving and self-deprecating. 'The most I’ve changed pictures out of vanity was to edit around any shot where you can see my butt,' she says."

• "'I really wasn’t heavy in high school,' Fey recalls over lunch one afternoon at Café Luxembourg, where she dutifully switches her order from a B.L.T. to a salad."

• “I’m five four and a half, and I think I was maxing out at just short of 150 pounds, which isn’t so big. But when you move to New York from Chicago, you feel really big.”

• "She saw herself on an SNL monitor as an extra, 'and I was like, 'Ooogh.' I was starting to look unhealthy. I looked like a behemoth, a little bit. It was probably a bad sweater or something. Maybe cutting from Gwyneth Paltrow to me.' She wanted to be 'PBS pretty' — pretty for a smart writer. She called Jeff, who was directing a show at Second City in Chicago, and said, 'O.K., I’m starting Weight Watchers.'"

• "I got to that thing that’s so enjoyable where people tell you, 'Oh, you’re thin, you’ve gotten too thin.' Lorne was like, 'Please, please make sure you’re eating.'"

• "[Adam] McKay recalls Fey telling a story about her heavier days. 'Steve Martin walked right past her at the coffee table, and then, after the makeover, he was like, 'Well, hel-looo — who are you?'"

While we haven't had breakfast yet, this makes us just want to skip it all together so...that... people will love us?

Plus, she didn't look that fat, she was just wearing bad pants. Really bad pants.

[NY Mag: The Secret to Tina Fey’s Success]

Who Are You And What Have You Done With Tina Fey?

Sloppy Seconds: Tina Fey's $6M Book Deal

While You Were Sleeping: Leftover Edition

Who Would You Rather?: Evangeline Lilly In A Manshirt or Tina Fey Scarfing A Sandwich

(Thanks, Nicole!)

Yes, Scanner Emily. Chipotle will make you fat.

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:04:00 GMT

Yesterday we had a burrito from Chipotle. It was delicious. It also had 943 calories. And it didn't even have any meat in it! How do we know we consumed so many calories with one not-so-very-little burrito? We used the Chipotle Nutrition Facts Calculator, that's how. And, well, it's time to cut the sour cream; it would have saved us 120 calories!

Here's how it works: you just go to this site and plug in what you had on your burrito or in your tacos. Then you can feel guilty and go run or purge or whatever you need to do to feel okay about eating a 1,000 calorie burrito. We just sat and contemplated it. You can do that, too.

[Chipotle Nutrition Calculator 2.0]

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Taco, Burrito, What's Comin' Out Of Your Speedo?

It's Been Real

Tacos We'd Like to F*ck: The Double Decker Taco

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Yet Another Reason to Hate My Love Handles

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 20:09:00 GMT

Your love handles are going to kill you. End of story. But if you want to know more...

Carrying extra fat around your middle dramatically increases your risk of early death, even if your overall weight is normal, say researchers.

A study of almost 360,000 people from nine European countries found waist size a "powerful indicator" of risk.

Each extra 2ins (5cm) raised the chance of early death by between 13% and 17%.

Ugh. We're hard-pressed to get rid of our gut. This just makes us want to throw in the towel and eat a double bacon cheeseburger. With mayo.

[BBC: 'Love handles' raise death risk]

Related:

Blogger-Reader Agreement

Scanner Controversy: We Asked For It This Time...

Super-Thin Supermodel Attacked For Being "Fat?"

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Sloppy Seconds: You, Like Us, May Think This Picture of O.J. Simpson in a Courtroom is from the 90's, It is Not

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:33:00 GMT

A bottled-water company in New York is now selling bottled water called Tap'dNY. And it's actually tap water from New York—which is actually great. [Tap'dNY]

Britney Spears will release her new album Circus on December 2, her 27th birthday. [MTV]

Jennifer Hudson is engaged to David Otunga, most famous for competing for New York's affections on the reality show I Love New York 2. Good luck with that, kids. [Stereohyped]

Eva Longoria Parker is not pregnant, "she's just fat," her co-stars say. We think that if she were really "just fat" they wouldn't be throwing the term "fat" around so easily, even if it is just for a role. But really, we don't care that much. [People]

Sarah Palin thought Tina Fey's impression of her was "quite funny" especially because Palin once dressed up as Fey for Halloween. [CBS]

Welcome to the nineties. O.J. Simpson is on trial yet again. But this time there will be no black gloves.. or so we imagine. [Yahoo!]

Super-Thin Supermodel Attacked For Being "Fat?"

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:31:00 GMT

Does this woman look "fat" to you? Well, according to one Brazillian newspaper, the #6 highest-paid supermodel in the world isn't ready for the runway, and other outrageous statements for which "WTF?" seems too polite a reply.

According to several sources, none of which named the "local paper" in Brazil that made the alleged comments about Karolina Kurkova during Sao Paolo Fashion Week, the Victoria's Secret hottie, who made $5 million last year, was derided for having

back fat, love handles, and cellulite.

There are just a few shots of Kurkova's backside from the catwalk during the show in question:

While we see what these idiots are talking about, we still don't get what the hell's wrong with them for acting like she'd offended them in some way. This woman is beautiful. This woman is beautiful no matter what her ass happened to look like one particular afternoon on a runway in Brazil, from one angle, in one stolen moment. And even if it were true that was overweight, fuck them for attacking her for it.

Brazil, we never thought we'd say this, but you suck.

Thankfully, most of the media attacked the paper and praised Kurkova's body of huminatarian/charity work, in addition to her, um, bodywork.

Like most of us, Karolina has occasional weight fluctuations. But unlike most of us, when that happens, a lot of people notice. Looking great for the average person and looking great for a runway model are two vastly different things. There's no question that Kurkova looks amazing in the bikini she wore last week... [The Improper]

The next question is: Will Victoria's Secret agree with their Brazilian fans and dump the dumpy doll? Not a chance! Checkout these photos of her nude and you'll see why. [Post Chronicle]

Via the Improper.

Sloppy Seconds: Kevin Federline Got Fat, If That's Really Kevin Federline

Emily Farris — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 22:14:00 GMT

US Weekly is reporting that Kevin Federline got fat, based on a picture of a dude who is very obviously not Kevin Federline.

Bjork made Chinese fans at a concert in Shanghai a little uncomfortable by shouting "Tibet! Tibet!" at the end of her song, "Declare Independence."

Not that we're entitled or anything, but we could use a weekly massage a lot more than Jennifer Lopez's new born twins. What do they have to be stressed out about, anyway? They have 600-thread-count sheets and fucking ponies.

Reducing time spent in front of the television makes children healthier and "less fat." You don't say?

Isn't it about time "American Idol" just turns into a strip competion? Are we over the singing part yet?

A scout for the Boston Red Sox was caught masturbating in a hotel room that overlooked a pool where teenage girls were swimming. We're going to assume he had the curtains open or something, because when one can no longer masturbate in a hotel room, what's the point of living?

World's Fattest Man Loses Half His Body Weight on Low Carb Diet, If He Can Do It, We Can Do It

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 17:53:00 GMT

Yes. We. Can.

But seriously, kids, if you do not want to see what we're certain is his before picture, do not click through. Seriously. No, seriously.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

[Telegraph: Diet halves body weight of fattest man]

Your Parents Made You Fat, But Not How You Thought

Emily Farris — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 13:49:00 GMT

According to a new study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, it doesn't really matter how many Nutty Bars your parents packed into your carb-loaded lunch. It's their damn genetics that made it so those Nutty Bars go straight to your ass, gut and thighs.

A study of more than 5,000 pairs of twins has found that a child's risk of becoming overweight is mostly down to nature, not nurture. The research into children aged between eight and 11 showed that the variation in a child's body mass index and waist circumference was 77% attributable to genes and 23% to the environment in which they grow up.

Overweight children are more likely to become overweight or obese adults, a condition that can contribute to ill health and increased cancer risk in later life. The results are published today in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.

"This study shows that it is wrong to place all the blame for a child's excessive weight gain on the parents; it is more likely to be due to the child's genetic susceptibility," said Jane Wardle of University College London.

Can't we at least blame them for their bad genes? Also (on a slightly unrelated note) why is it that everyone in our family is a D-cup, and we're, well.. damn, what we wouldn't give for a Nutty Bar right now. Sigh.

[Guardian Unlimited: US study finds genetic link to child obesity]

[Image via Babble]