Scanner : fidel castro

While You Were Sleeping: Ashton Kutcher Needs To Shaddup

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

London is never going to get rid of MJ-- the King of Pop That Was Almost Good Twenty Years Ago added 17 new shows.

All this iPhone app silliness shows that Apple is just as lame as any other company when it comes to letting their customers have freedom of speech.

Iron Man 2 will either be the best or the worst sequel in film history-- there can no longer be any in between. Yesterday, sources confirmed that Mickey Rourke and now Scarlett Johansson have signed on.

It's too bad we don't have Fidel Castro around to seize this bastard's assets.

Bad news, New York City. You might be getting a weiner for mayor.

This moron-- or is it genius?-- thinks a ringtone may psychologically cause a woman's breasts to grow... or something.

It's just part of Scientology's plan to use Katie Holmes in their brainwashing schemes: Mrs. Tom Cruise is launching her own clothing line for impressionable girls.

Ashton Kutcher said "fag," "gay," and the "N-word" in a single Twitter post and, obviously, came off like a complete moron.

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Michael Jackson Announces "Final Curtain Call" Before His Face Implodes

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Colleen Kane — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:40:00 GMT

No one could have called Heath Ledger's untimely demise in 2008, but there are some olds who just take on that look of imminent death, as if their essence is draining away. It won't be long once someone takes on the death look, and no one seems to ever shake it off. Paul Newman had it this year. (RIP, Best Guy to Die in 2008.) The ones with the death look are dancing a tango with the Grim Reaper as we speak. Another dead giveaway is if you are reminded about an older celebrity and can't remember if they're dead or not.

The ones in grave danger, a few wild cards, and an example of the death look, after the jump.

Old Hollywood: Mickey Rooney -- He is going to be 89 if he makes it to his birthday in September. Unfortch, he has two factors working against him: the death look, and I couldn't remember if he was still alive or not until looking him up. Runners-up: Elizabeth Taylor, Peter O'Toole, Kirk Douglas

Comics: Don Rickels -- He's got the death look, big time.

If he makes it through 2009, I'll eat my hat. Runners-up: Jerry Lewis, Bea Arthur (too much of a loss to celebrity roasts to contemplate), Phyllis Diller, Carol Burnett

Too Soon: Amy Winehouse -- It wouldn't be surprising if she woke up dead after some party night. I hope not, but it wouldn't be surprising. Runners-up: Swayze -- He's never looked so gaunt; there may be some truth to the rumors that his cancer is getting the best of him.

Classic Country: Merle Haggard -- He's got the cancer. Lung cancer. Runners-up: Loretta Lynn and Willie Nelson, not because they appear to be on death's door, but because that would be just my luck if they died before I got to see them perform live. (I will forever regret missing out on Johnny Cash.)

Rock and Soul: Fats Domino -- Death look. And I didn't realize he was still alive until he got airlifted out of the Ninth Ward during Katrina. Runners-up: Etta James -- I forgot she was still alive until Beyonce's recent portrayal.

Leaders: Ted Kennedy. Runners-up: Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro, if he's still alive and not propped up for photo ops a la Weekend at Bernie's, Kim Jong-Il, if he's not already dead with an imposter or several in his place as many news reports have speculated. We have another slight possibility in mind that would also be filed under Too Soon and would involve an assasination, but it's too unthinkable to even write.

Sports: I hate sports, so who the F knowss

How Are They Still Alive: Abe Vigoda

Did I miss anyone obvious?

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Amy Winehouse: A F*cking Disastah

Image: Rickels with fellow "comedian" John Mayer, johnmayer.com/blog

What Do Cubans Really Think of Cuba?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 15:14:00 GMT

With the 50th Anniversary of Castro's ascension to power (January 1st, 1959, to be precise), we spent almost a day of our vacation checking out the 257-minute version of Che, the new film from Steven Soderberg. Even at more than four hours (not including the intermission), it felt incomplete-- both because it was so involving and because so much was left unexplored.

Why did Che care so much? What was his personal stake in the Cuban and Bolivian revolutions? What was the deal with his personal life, anyway? And what happened to Cuba after it became a socialist republic?

We've inched closer to an answer to that last question thanks to a Reuters story which dwells on Cuba after a half centry of Castro. Amanda Gonzalez, a member of the Communist Party, still thanks her lucky stars Batista was deposed:

"Poor people at that time had nothing, and there were many poor. The rich only cared about profits and wealth..."

However, she ain't no Castro flunky, which makes this story stand out:

"On balance, the revolution has been positive, but what hits me is the economic situation. We are forced to do illegal things to improve our lives," she said.

She's talking about the fact that most Cubans live on a mere $20 a month and resort to buying goods on the black market to save money.

Argelio Gonzalez, a 61-year-old gardener with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and a machete in his hand, said the young critics should not forget the conditions that created the revolution.

"The rich had everything and the poor had nothing, only misery," he said.

As for change, "I don't want any," he said. "I want everything to stay like Fidel wants it."

Although Cubans were recently allowed to purchase computers and cell phones, it's not as if they could afford them in the first place. And while, in worldwide matchups, Cubans rank highly in health and education, they don't even have half the opportunities for advancement that their Latin American counterparts possess. You can read the rest of the four-page story here.

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Your Talking Points: Fidel Castro Retires

On Our To-Do List: Fidel Castro

Katie Halper — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 15:32:00 GMT

Fidel Castro may be stepping down, but he's still standing erect. Whether you love him or hate him, we can all agree on one thing about Castro: El Jefe Has Got STAMINA. His speeches go on for hours and hours. His long, thick cigar is always lit. His revolution is constant and anything but predictable. And he ruled Cuba hard and firm for half a century, only stopping to come up for air and let his kid brother have his way with her.

On top of that, the insatiable, unbeatable, unstoppable Castro keeps going and going and going, in spite of his age and at least eight confirmed assassination attempts on his life. And let's be honest, when multiple U.S. presidents and CIA and FBI officials obsess over ways to eliminate the leader of an island the size of Pennsylvania, and aim many of their covert operations at said leader's cigar, it can only mean one thing: penis envy. Which is why Fidel Castro may be out of office. But he is On Our To-Do List.

[Previously on Scanner: Who Would You Rather Deluxe Edition: Fidel Castro or George W. Bush Then and Now?]

[Previously on Scanner: Your Talking Points: Fidel Castro Retires]

Who Would You Rather Deluxe Edition: Fidel Castro or George W. Bush Then and Now?

Emily Farris — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:36:00 GMT

We know, this is more like the wrinkled dick edition, but seriously, both Fidel Casto and George W. Bush are going to find themselves with a lot of time on their hands pretty soon, and both were pretty good looking back in the day. So, this is a two part-er:

Part I: Who would you rather back in the day, Fidel Castro or George W. Bush?

Part II: Who wouldy you rather have as a sugar daddy nowadays? (We'll supply the Viagra).

Your Talking Points: Fidel Castro Retires

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 17:41:00 GMT

We don't really expect you to sit through the above video (at least not all the way through), but it seems somehow fitting background music while you read our abridged version of the career of Fidel Castro, who finally stepped down as Cuba's leader today, nearly half a century after leading the revolution. Viva la revolucion! and, uh, read on...

1926 - Fidel Castro born to illegitimate parents.

1938 - Fidel writes to Franklin D. Roosevelt, asking him for a $10 bill. The bill never materializies, and Fidel decides to one day lead a bloody revolution.

1945-1948 - enrolls in Law School at the University of Havana. In the next few years, is implicated in several shootings on the university campaus after disputed studet body elections are not ruled in his favor.

1948 - while in Bogota for a conference, Fidel hears of the assassination of Jorge Eliecer Gaitán and participates in mass ritoting over the Colombian Liberal Party leader's death. Narrowly escapes arrest by hauling ass to the Cuban embassy.

1951 - Eduardo Chibas, Presidential candidate and mentor to Fidel, shoots himself in the stomach, live on national radio, and dies in Fidel's arms en route to the hospital.

1952 - General Batista leads a coup d'etat and successfully seizes power. Fidel feels pushed aside, and plots his next move:

1953 - A failed attack on Batista's largest barracks. Rumors swirl that Castro gets too caught up in Carnival street partying and misses the revolution. Either way, he is miraculously spared execution and gives his most famous speech, one that Scanner Brian repeats for ex-girlfriends at every possible opportunity:

But my voice will not be stifled – it will rise from my breast even when I feel most alone, and my heart will give it all the fire that callous cowards deny it... Condemn me. It does not matter. History will absolve me!

1955 - meets Che, the Real Gangsta.

1956-1958 - Fidel, Che, Raul Castro, and other comrades invade Cuba via Mexico and build the revolution, town by town, with word of mouth spreading and mini revolutions springing up across the countryside. Fidel's goon squad seizes government buildings and solidifies its coup on New Year's Eve, 1958. Fidel is still thirty-two-years-old. (And, uh, what have we done with our lives?)

1959 - contrary to popular belief, the US actually recognized the new Cuban government, although it was several weeks before Castro was to assume the Prime Ministership. After President Eisenhower refuses to meet with him, Castro sidles up next to the Premier of the USSR, a crucial turn of events in world history.

1960 - Cuba, in an effort to hurt US business abroad, seizes all US property on its soil and continues snatching up land owned by Cuban citizens. These upper-middle-class communities turn on Castro and many of them subsequently flee to the US. The year ends with the US attempting to form a plan to assassinate Castro, but the CIA-led campaign never comes together to the government's satisfaction.

1961 - The CIA and President Kennedy go in on the Bay of Pigs, an exile-led attack on Cuban soil. The attack goes about as well as Fidel's first revolution. The CIA tries approxamitely 638 times (according to Wikipedia) to kill Castro, who isn't even using doubles. Fidel finds out his ex-lover is trying to murder him and gives her a gun and permission to finish him off, but she is intimidated and backs down.

1962 - The Cuban Missle Crisis

1963 - Kennedy is murdered in Dallas. Fidel is rumored to be involved. Oswald is a communist.

1966 - Che is tired of Castro's bullshit, his b.o., his smelly cigars, and heads off to disappointing revolutionary opps in other Latin American countries. He's soon assassinated by a CIA hitman.

1960-2006 - The US embargo continues, lifted only once, after a Hurricane devastated much of Cuba's food supply in 2001. Senor Fidel continues making friends with America's enemies, especially Communist and Socialist governments.

2004 - the Pope makes an historic visit to Cuba. Years later, Castro will fight back tears at the Pope's Vatican memorial.

2006 - wire services claim Castro is suffering from terminal cancer and Castro disappears from public view.

2006 - Michael Moore undergoes liposuction in Havana as Fidel looks on, drinking wine and feeding him peyote. (Just seeing if you're still reading...)

2007 - Castro is believed recovered from a stomach illness, although his brother Raul continues to run Cuba's government. According to Wikipedia:

As a comment on Castro’s recovery, U.S. President George W. Bush said: "One day the good Lord will take Fidel Castro away." Hearing about this, Castro, who is an atheist, ironically replied: "Now I understand why I survived Bush's plans and the plans of other presidents who ordered my assassination: the good Lord protected me."

2008 - February 18, Castro announces his retirement in a signed letter to a Spanish-language newspaper.

Lest we forget who Fidel Castro really was during his 49 years of power, let us run down some of the highlights from his human rights record: he had hundreds of thousands of people tortured, imprisoned in forced labor camps, and executed. He blamed these attacks, some of them on homosexuals (as portrayed in the book and movie "Before Night Falls") as

Castro, despite his country's near-destitution, has always been little more than a rich asshole, perhaps an even richer asshole than the Queen of England. From Wikipedia:

Maria Werla, a Cuban-American anti-Castro activist, claims, partially based on the testimonials of defectors who were close to Castro, that Castro and his loyalists control several billions of dollars in real estate, bank accounts, private estates, yachts and other assets — called “the Comandante's Reserves” — in Europe, Latin America and Asia - and a luxurious lifestyle for the top Cuban leadership.

Viva la revolucion, perhaps, but thank God Castro is outta there. From Reuters... a quote by Juan Acosta, Cuban exile living in Florida:

"It's very good that Fidel resigns. But if Fidel dies, it's better," [he] said.