Scanner : food we'd like to f*ck

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Ace of Cakes' LOST Cake

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 20:25:00 GMT

To celebrate (what we assume is the taping of) LOST's 100th episode, the folks at ABC brought in the pros from Ace of Cakes to make the sweet cake pictured above. But perhaps more exciting are the Dharma beer cupcakes, "chugged" by Sawyer. Well, that and the obligatory Juliette's-boobs-next-to-the-cake shot.

Is it just us or does she look really good dirty?

Related:

Crush of the Week: The Newest Couple on "Lost" (With Bonus Boob Talk)

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**Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes**

**Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt**

Chimps Will Put Out for a Piece of Meat, And So Will We

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:09:00 GMT

JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED THIS STORY WHEN SCANNER COLLEEN DID IT A WEEK AGO (BECAUSE SCANNER EMILY DID—FLUCK!)

And by piece of meat we don't mean that beefcake from the elliptical machine—or the nearest tree if we're talking about chimps. No we mean delicious, bloody, iron-filled, gets-stuck-in-your-teeth meat.

Researches recently found, after following around 20 adult chimpanzees in Côte d’Ivoire's Taï National Park, that female chimps put out more often for males that shared food with them than for those who didn't.

Now, the chimps aren't going on dates, exchanging meat for sex that night. The barter happens over the course of weeks or months, with the males "accruing credit" by supplying the lady chimps with meat from multiple hunts.

"They can keep track somehow of what they have received or given in the past," said one of the anthropologists involved in the study. "It doesn't mean they're aware of this. It could be emotional. In humans, you don’t even really know how many coffees someone has bought for you in the past, you just generally feel that this person is nice to you. It creates a positive feeling toward that person."

Makes sense. If a guy was constantly bringing us steak sandwiches, steak frites, juicy hamburgers and street meat, we imagine it'd only be a matter of time before we'd want to get our hands—and mouth—on his meat. And if that makes us no better than a monkey, well... we'd rather be a monkey with a steady stream of steak and sex than a respectable human without either.

[FOXNews: Chimps Exchange Meat for Sex, Study Finds]

Related:

Chimps Pimp Selves Out for Meat

The Crazy Chimp Lady Plot Thickens

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Food We'd Like To F*ck: Scanwiches

Ina Maier — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 20:15:00 GMT

We really love food. Mostly, we like to eat food. But in those miraculous moments when we're not eating, we like to read about food. Or better yet, look at photos. Well, we've got a new favorite site for your food porn fix. Who knew sandwiches could be a work of art?

The guys behind Scanwiches, that's who! They had the genius idea of taking their lunchtime meals, and squashing them onto a scanner...or something. We can't quite figure out how they do it, but it's sure fun to look at! Here are our favorites.

Because, hello, it's lobster!

Ed’s Lobster Bar: Lobster Roll, on toasted bread

Because who knew messy could be so delicious?

Katz Deli: Lox, Cream Cheese, Tomato, on an everything bagel

And, lastly, because who knew a breakfast sandwich could be so depressing?

Grocery Deli-Pizza: Bacon, Egg, and Cheese on a roll

[via]

Related:

Food We'd Like To F*ck: Ever Wonder Why You're Fat?

Food We'd Like To F*ck: Rainbow Cake!

Sandwich Porn: Esquire's List of the Best Sandwiches in America

Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt

Today in Sandwich Porn: The Lady's Brunch Burger

That's How Obama Rolls

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:17:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Do you heart Obama as much as you heart sushi?

Read more...

Food We'd Like To F*ck: Ever Wonder Why You're Fat?

Ina Maier — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 22:34:00 GMT

Today is a special "Pop Quiz!" edition of Food We'd Like F*ck:

1) Do you ever wonder why you're fat?

2) Do you love food?

2a) Do you love food that is deep-fried / smothered in cheese / of an abnormally large portion size?

3) Does the phrase "Food Porn" mean anything to you?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, keep reading...

Scanner would like to take this moment to introduce you to your newest source of Food Porn...

This Is Why You're Fat: Where Dreams Become Heart Attacks

A food blog of the lowest common denominator, This Is Why You're Fat pulls together a daily offering of all that fattiest concoctions your beleaguered heart could ever desire, including (but not limited to)...

The (previously covered) Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt

The French Fry-Encased Hot Dog On A Stick

And (our personal favorite): The Bacon-Sprinkled Donut

Check it out. Your arteries won't be disappointed.

[All food photos via; Top photo via]

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes

Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Meat and Mashed Potato Cupcakes

Food We'd Like To F*ck: Rainbow Cake!

Ina Maier — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 22:33:00 GMT

Contrary to our gastro-intestinal beliefs and the culinary capabilities of one Scanner Emily, this is not a food blog. This is, however, a photo of a cake that we fully intend to make, like, tomorrow. More photos, recipe, and general multi-colored excitement after the jump.

We can't shower The Omnomicon with enough praise for having the ingenuity and sheer stick-to-it-ive-ness to come up with and complete this cake. That said, the recipe she offers is fat-free which, while admirable and honorable, is not something we can really get behind. So, we've dutifully tweaked the recipe to allow for the full fat festivities.

And so:

Ingredients

-2 Boxes of White Cake Mix

-Whatever the back of the White Cake Mix box says

-Gel food colouring

-Frosting of your choice (We'd probably recommend the kind with colored sprinkles. They're pretty.)

The Making Of The Cake Batter:

Follow the instructions on the box.

The Making Of The Rainbow Cake, per Omnomicon's instructions:

Measure the total volume (by my estimate, 64 oz), then divide by 6 and measure into separate bowls. There are 8 oz in a cup, so 64/6 = 10 to 11 oz, or 1 cup + 2 tbsp.

Stir colour into each bowl with its own spoon. For the first colour into the pan, measure out 2/3 to 3/4 of your mix (in this case about 1 c) as close to the middle as you can. Drop in your first three colours, then work on the other pan with the last three colours. So if you're doing rainbow order, the first pan should have red, then orange, then yellow, and now the purple, blue and green go into the second pan. As a recap, this is so both layers are roughly the same size.

Bake the cake as instructed on the box.

The Frosting Of The Rainbow Cake

Take spatula. Alternate physical act of frosting with physical act of eating frosting.

The Eating Of The Rainbow Cake

Cut slices. Alternate physical act of eating with physical act of taking as many photos as possible, none of which will come close to the beauty of the following:

Way more awesome photos here, here, and here.

Actual recipe, far more detailed instructions, and all around awesomeness can be found here.

Now, we're off to see what semblance of high school math we can remember that would allow us to turn this colored confection into cupcakes. So many brightly colored dollops. Yum.

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Scanner Survey: Sexy Food

Shameless Self Promotion: My Book!

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes

My Milkshake Brings All the Lard to My A*s

Emily Farris — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 20:51:00 GMT

Have you ever wondered why you get really excited about food, while other people eat it purely because they have to to survive—just like they have to put gas in their cars or drink water or put on clothes every day? Well, we wonder all the time. You probably know by now how much we love food, and when we say there's "Food We'd Like to Fuck" we really just mean we want to eat it in the most amazing way possible. So, yeah, we like food. But why, or how, do some other people eat it just because they have to?

While we're sad those people don't get to enjoy food the way we do, we certainly envy them, or rather, their waistlines.

But it turns out that the difference between how much we love the milkshakes and how much they love the milkshakes might have more to do with science than how much comfort food our parents gave us as children.

In a study of young girls and women, scientists tested the brain's response to a "highly palatable food" - chocolate milkshakes. They found that the part of the brain that releases the feel-good chemical dopamine in response to eating is less active in the obese.

The effect was most pronounced in women born with a gene that reduces their dopamine output by up to 30 to 40 per cent. Not only did their brains show the most blase or blunted reaction to the milkshake, but also, they were more likely to gain weight over the next year.

Scientists discovered it takes more food for obese people to experience the same 'high' as lean people, much as what happens with alcohol or drug abuse. 'If you want to avoid obesity, don't start walking down that path,' said Eric Stice, lead author of the report.

Published in this week's issue of the journal Science, the study is one of the first to show how individual differences in how the brain processes food reward "might put people at risk for overeating given this environment where there's just lots of really palatable food available," said co-author Dana Small, associate professor at Yale University.

The study underscores just how complex the brain's control or response to food is, says a Canadian obesity expert.

"It's quite an exciting study," said Dr. David Lau, chair of the diabetes and endocrine research group at the University of Calgary and president of Obesity Canada. "What they found was that overweight people have less excitatory response. They have to eat more in order to arrive at the same kind of satisfactory signals."

Researchers say it may be possible to turn on the dopamine response using drugs or behavioural therapies.

This could also explain why we can't have just a little sex, or a little whiskey:

His team focused on a particular part of the brain called the dorsal stratum, which is involved in food reward. "It's a circuit involved in everything that makes us feel good," Stice explains - having sex, eating a good meal, drinking alcohol or using drugs. "It's really the same neuro pathway...
"We think what's really going on is, if you consume a diet rich in fat and sugar, you get down regulation of the reward circuitry," Stice said. "By flooding the brain with dopamine your brain adjusts to having fewer receptors." That means it takes more food to experience the same "high" as lean people, much what happens with alcohol or drug abuse.

It is true that when we go without any of these things for an extended period of time (sex, alcohol, sugar, bacon), we start to think we can live without it.

[Canada.com: Obese people respond differently to food, study shows]

Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Meat and Mashed Potato Cupcakes

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The Only Way We'd Love Cheetos This Much Is If They Had Jessica Biel's Ass

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Image via Yahoo: Not My Ass

Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 14:59:00 GMT

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Hamburger Fatty Melt. Created by the folks over at A Hamburger Today, this burger between two grilled cheese sandwiches is the equivalent of a cute, super talented skinny hipster guy we'd really like to fuck... you know, just because "there's something about him."

Well, those hamburger-loving people just took it there and put a fucking beard and a pot belly on this guy... now we're seriously creaming our pants over the Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt.

Not only is there bacon on the hamburger, the grilled cheese sandwiches that serve as buns are stuffed with bacon as well. We're sure this is an entire week's worth of Weight Watchers points yet we're tempted to try it. We're a little sad the tomato got lost in the shuffle, but this burger might just take the Food We'd Like to Fuck Cake.

[A Hamburger Today: The Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt]

Related:

Food We'd Like to F*ck: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Topped Cupcakes

Shameless Self Promotion: My Book!

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Food We'd Like to F*ck: Meat and Mashed Potato Cupcakes

Emily Farris — Fri, 30 May 2008 17:02:00 GMT

Anyone who has paid any attention to Scanner for the past few months knows that I, Scanner Emily, am a fan of meat. Between two buns, on a stick, or from a cart on the street, I love meat. So it should come as no surprise that these savory cupcakes are super appealing to me.

You think I'm kidding with the whole food-we'd-like-to-fucking thing? Think again. Because if I had a penis, I'd probably stick it in these and then find a way to lick it off, because seriously? Triple meat cupcakes? Ground veal, ground chuck and ground pork. And what makes the red icing? Why it's beet juice.

While I would have replaced the green pepper sprinkles with chives or green onions, these cupcakes are pure genius.

So not only do I want to fuck this food, I want to be BFF with the girl who created it.

[FineFuriousLife via Jezebel]

Today in Food Porn: Better Than Sex Dessert Shop

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 May 2008 20:30:00 GMT

For our interview today with Dani Johnson, owner of Key West's Better Than Sex dessert shop, which opens tonight, we got into the missionary position and sniffed out some amazingly mouth-watering deserts:

Q. Pump-In Pie - Missionary Crisp - Pop My Cherry Cheesecake - Tenderness Tort - Jungle Fever - Naked Nut - Cheese Voyuer (a reference to "The Joy of Sex"), and the Better Than Sex Cake... which came first, the name of the restaurant or the titles of the dishes?

A. The name came before the titles. I have a passion for baking, which was passed down from my mother. My husband [co-owner Len Johnson, local radio host] and I have been married for six years, together for 12, and he often would request that I make something sweet. At a Valentine's Party two, three years ago, I had a lot of friends come up to me after eating the desserts, saying, 'You should do this for a business.'

Q. When did the theme, the sex theme of the dishes, come along?

A. I don't know. But you know, the name: a lot of our friends and non-friends were concerned with our name choice... you know what? It's built-in marketing, built-in advertising. But people are shy-- it makes them giggle, they're not all going to be comfortable with it, so it's a challenge. The idea is, when you call your place 'Better Than Sex,' people will keep coming back until they find a dessert that lives up to our title.

Q. Besides the desserts, is anything else sex-themed?

The restaurant is completely decorated in an eclectic/romantic theme. We're not going for the trashier side of sex, we're going for the sexier, more romantic side. It's all mismatched glassware and plates, for one thing. My husband is a radio DJ and personality-- Sexista, that's his title; I'm the Master Baker. We'll also have a small retail market and we'll have our name embroidered on t-shirts...

Q. Are you going to have theme nights or something?

Oh yes. One theme night is gonna be: if you come in a robe and slippers on Hugh Hefner Night, you get 20% off.

Q. When do you open tonight?

Six o'clock. "Sex at Six" is what we're calling it.

Today in Food Porn: The Bacon Bra

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:45:00 GMT

Although food is often pornographic, porn is rarely edible.

Photos of the infamous bacon bra are circulating on the net, but they originated on Brian Kusler's Flickr page. The below photo comes with the below introduction from one lucky birthday dude:

"I don't really know how the idea came up... at some point after too many tequilas and my friend talking about how to get more men interested in her, someone said, "wait, men love bacon and boobs, why not combine the two? that's a million dollar idea right there!"

This is so hot it could make Lindsay Lohan look desirable.

The most mouth-watering part of all this hubbub is the following comment, posted on the same Flickr page:

we totally deep fried the bacon and ate it later :)

What's that sound that Homer makes when his mouth is having a food-related orgasm? "Ahwhwahhhauhhhh."

Photo of Bacon & Boobs: Brian Kusler

Tacos We'd Like to F*ck: The Double Decker Taco

sarahhepola — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 12:55:00 GMT

Today is free taco day at Taco Bell. Also, the sun is handing out skin cancer at no charge. Hurry, run quick! But seriously, we’re going to tell you something, but only if you promise not to tell anyone, not even the bloggers who share this page. We love Taco Bell. Do you hear us? Love it. We stumble into that joint at 2am with a good, solid beer buzz going, load up on tacos, and wake up the next morning covered in hot sauce and refried beans. Damn, that’s what WE’RE talking about! So, in honor of this momentous American holiday, we want to tell you about our favorite taco, The Double Decker Taco.

When it debuted in the 90s, we considered the Double Decker Taco a cheap gimmick. Back then, we were strictly bean burrito girls, with the occasional Beef Meximelt to spice things up. The commercials were all, “See what we’ve done? It’s insane!” But then, BUT THEN: We tried the Double Decker Taco. People, it’s brilliant! Because it has the savory greasiness of a hard-shell taco, but it doesn’t crumble all over your lap, because that savory goodness is held in the warm, chewy bosom of a soft tortilla slathered with refried beans. It’s like the two powerhouses of tacos working together. It’s the DeNiro and Pacino of tacos. Here in New York, we don’t go to Taco Bell much. But when we head back to Dallas, we set up camp in the aisles. So please get our sleeping bag out of the closet and hide the children's eyes, Mockingbird Taco Bell. We are coming for our free taco.