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Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Fight

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 22:21:00 GMT

According to Jezebel, the love letter is dead but the breakup e-mail is strong with this generation.

Michelle Rodriguez from Lost flipped out at a wedding-- if you believe this nonsense story.

But what happens when the pants come off? Push-up underwear for men isn't expected to go over big with Croatian women.

The Craigslist Killer may have murdered to help cover his gambling debts. Dumbasses-- don't gamble what you don't have in your bank account or you'll end up like this guy.

If you have a sword and dress like a ninja and are attempting to commit robberies, a dry cleaner is probably low on your list of priorities.

While wife Amy suffered burns on her leg due to... um... "a cooking accident," Blake Fielder-Civil has demanded his lover allow him to take a paternity test.

A woman who works for Fox61 in Connecticut was arrested twice in three hours in the same neighborhood and by the same officer, both times for driving drunk.

The Seinfeld adult film spoof is real... and features the Porn Nazi.

And a 52-year-old stripper, enjoying her first day on the job, was stabbed in the eye by a jealous co-worker.

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Top 10 Dumbest Anti-Obama Signs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:48:00 GMT

How did we narrow this list of dozens, perhaps hundreds of examples of conservative stupidity down to a mere 10 photographs, you ask?

The long answer is that we had a seizure from the Flickr slideshow overload, then a fit of hysterics for twenty minutes, followed by the realization that scary people cannot be reasoned with, even by good work and actual progress, and decided to call it a day with these ten (frightening) images...

With lots and lots of therapy, honey.

We weren't aware small children paid taxes unless corporate America's dreams came true and indentured servitude and child labor have returned.

If you mean in "an arbitrarily-priced future-debt sort of way," maybe. We wonder what that debt would like like after another four years of Bush Administration economics.

What an oxymoran: "speak for yourself" (pro-First Amendment!) and "America is a Christian nation" (anti-First Amendment!)

Right-- because the new face of an Aryan national movement would logically be... a half-black man.

Why did we assume the previous photo would be the worst they could do? Nope. There's a man with a sign who believes rich people paying 3% more in taxes and giving tax cuts to the middle class is equivalent to murdering six million people. How do we know we're on the right side of history? Because this type of person will always be on the other.

If you're like all the previous entrants and find that the facts don't support your idiotic views, you can always try to win by confusion and incoherence.

These Republicans are so confused at what the message is for the Fox-led Tea Parties that they bring all sorts of contradictory signs ("POOP!") to the protest and obscure each other's words. Even the ones we can read don't make a lot of sense. FAIL.

And finally, a sign so stupid it will make even a reasonable Obama hater laugh...

Wow. How effective, sir. We humbly beg your forgiveness for voting for this very BAD man.

By the way, the Huffington Post has several of these in its own Top 10 list of the most offensive tea party protest signs, but we don't think this sign is all that offensive (except to your intelligence.) So, without further ado, our Honorable Mention:

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Fox News Wants To Sex You Up

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 19:58:00 GMT

Ah, yes, it's time to check in with the Sex Advice Column You All Love To Hate, mainly because it happens to be on FoxNews.com, features a non-manufactured cute doctor as its host, and was probably written in less time than it takes to read the posts we make fun of it in...

This week's column is entitled 7 Ways To Sex Up Your Partner's Libido. (#1 would be: "Have a threesome and leave the room when it starts.") Here's our breakdown of her bullet points:

1. Entice your partner with orgasm exploration. Believe it or not, you can have different kinds of orgasms, not just "good ones" and "I can tell that wasn't real."

2. Incorporate fantasy throughout the day. Send your partner a link to NaughtyAmerica.com and say, "Can we do that tonight?" Of course, it would help if the recipient of this e-mail were a guy.

3. Stay connected when you do have sex. "Don’t make sex about physical gratification alone. Truly worship your lover and hail the lovemaking as a celebratory experience ― one you can’t get enough of." Her words, not ours, but we have to say... "worship..." "hail [it] as a celebratory experience" should only be attempted by the best of actors.

4. Keep things novel and spicy in and out of the bedroom. In other words, get back in that kitchen and fix me a chicken pot pie. Or something.

5. Look your best. And you thought Fox News was going to tell you, "It's okay to be frumpy once you're married?" Remember, these are the same people who think Sarah Palin is a role model.

6. Engage in verbal foreplay. "I want you to do the dishes" and "Is it all right if I call you Antonio when we do it later?" don't count.

7. Consider how you size up sexual satisfaction. "Does sex always have to end in intercourse?" Female answer: "No." Male answer: "I thought sex was intercourse."

Read Yvonne K. Fulbright's actual talking points here.

This Week in Sex: We Couldn't Stuff It All In

Fox News Defines the Slang Use of "Teabagging"

Colleen Kane — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 21:00:00 GMT

Fox News is just so burned up about all the snickering references to "teabagging" made in the mainstream media when covering tax day's tea(bagging) parties this week.

Fox News had it up to here (their mouths) with the references, so they explained the joke to the protesters and others who had been unaware. Here's Fox breaking it down:

Teabagging, for those who don't live in a frat house, refers to a sexual act involving part of the male genitalia and a second person's face or mouth.

--"For those who don't live in a frat house!" Burrrrn!

Even Anderson Cooper got fratty.

"It's hard to talk when you're teabagging," cracked Cooper with a straight face.

This has been so entertaining, I hope it doesn't end soon. More outrage here.

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Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 22:08:00 GMT

The teabagging hilarity continues: this roundup of great tea puns is well worth checking out.

While we're at it, here's another made-up Fox News "scandal."

An obviously crazy man bit off his own penis in our old neighborhood of Ft. Greene, Brooklyn.

Everyone should rent the original UK version of State of Play before the American version comes along tomorrow and bores everyone to death.

Tennessee schools hate on the gays by blocking websites favorable to their cause.

A Baptist preacher, who kind of looks like Luke Wilson, was beaten and tased multiple times by the border patrol for refusing to open his trunk.

Kari Ferrell, the Utah hipster-grifter, is taking New York City by storm with her awful tattoos and creepy promises to give guys hand jobs with her mouth. Wha?

Is this the end of Rolling Stone Magazine?

President Obama released all those pesky interrogation memos from the Bush administration. Of course, nothing will ever come of this.

Brad Garrett yelled at paparazzi about "turbans" and is now accused of making racial slurs.

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What Is This Tea Party Thing And Why Is It Stupid?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 14:45:00 GMT

The Billionaires For Bush celebrate tax day with a pimp, April 2005.

First of all, Happy Tax Day everyone. However, if you're one of our more conservative readers, you're probably mighty whipped up about it, thanks to Fox News and their endless attempts to convince you the government doesn't need your money and it would be better to run up incredible deficits so Glenn Beck can stay wealthy.

Then you heard about these right-wing tea parties, which have nothing to do with the Founding Fathers and their fiestas in Boston and everything to do with total idiocy...

This morning, we spoke with Chuck Collins, the famed lefty activist and senior scholar at the Institute For Policy Studies, about these confusing protests. Here is an explanation:

What do you think of the tea party protests?

Protests are healthy in a democracy, but these Tea Parties are a phony grassroots “Astroturf” campaign, orchestrated by anti-tax, anti-government groups.

They are trying to channel the public’s anger toward Wall Street greed toward taxes and the Obama economic plan.

The problem is the Big Disconnect. Most Americans are getting a tax cut this April 15th. People aren’t complaining about their taxes –they are fearful for the economy. They are rooting for President Obama to fix the economy –and dig us out of the horrific mess that he inherited.

Who is behind this?

It's a stunt organized by Freedom Works, a right-wing organization funded by the Koch family, an oil billionaire business. Their agenda is to shrink government, and cut taxes. They are not AGAINST Wall Street greed – they ARE Wall Street Greed. They are pretending to be patriots on tax day –but they are doing the King’s bidding and Wall Street’s program.

Without the Koch millions –and Fox News infomercials, these demonstrations would not gain much ground.

Is there a cause to protest?

Something to protest is the fact that we have two tax codes in this country –one for the wealthy and another for the rest of us. The effective tax rate on the richest 1 percent has declined by 50 percent since 1955. The “great tax shift” has reduced taxes on the wealthy.

For more, see “Reversing the Great Tax Shift: Seven Steps to Finance Recovery Fairly” at IPS.

Media Matters for America President Eric Burns also weighs in on Fox News’ tea party hysteria:

“It is absurd that a news network that claims to be ‘fair and balanced’ is actively encouraging its viewers to engage in anti-Obama political activism. However, this is par for the course for Fox News. The network has been seized by the culture of conservative paranoia that has run rampant since President Obama’s inauguration, with its hosts accusing the president of every ‘-ism’ in the book and making increasingly dire and irresponsible predictions about the consequences that Obama’s policies will have for the country.”

Check out a rundown of background information on Fox News' promotion of these suspicious "tea parties." This site is also chockful of stories about how right-wing fronts are practically bribing people to show up and keep the manufactured momentum going.

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World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model Inspired By the Pope

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 19:09:00 GMT

Polish model and soon-to-be megafamous sex symbol Joanna Krupa gave an interview to FoxNews this week about how she got into this whole business of laying about half-undressed... and totally undressed.

Blame the Pope.

Krupa, a Polish 20-something recently named The World's Sexiest Swimsuit Model by Playboy (Bar Rafaeli is crying in her two piece), says that it's her European upbringing that made her comfortable enough with herself to do tasteful nudity:

"I think worrying about going topless in a photo shoot or film is really ridiculous," Krupa told FOXNews.com in an exclusive interview. "And the fact is Pope John Paul said, since we were born naked, it is art, and it's just showing a beautiful body that God created."

Amen. [Yes. That's Fox's word.]

"I was born in Europe, and Europeans have a more casual, natural way of dealing with nudity," Krupa adds. "Interestingly enough, these days, you see nudity and toplessness in almost every critically acclaimed movie, and whenever I pick up a French Vogue, I see bare breasts, and French Vogue still sets the standards."

"I can tell you that I am very proud that everything I have achieved to date has happened due to the hard work of my team and myself," she said. "I was never tempted to give in [to the casting couch] because I have always been in committed relationships, and take the word 'committed' very seriously."

"I live a normal life where family and love comes first. The minute I leave a set, I go back to my regular life and simply enjoy a night at home with my sweetheart and dogs, and if we go out, it's just with a few good friends. I watch the circus, but don't join it. People expect a busy model to be on every party and to indulge in crazy behavior, drugs and multiple lovers - I represent the opposite of that."

Krupa also adds that a PETA ad might not be far off..

"I dedicate as much time as I can to fight for animal rights, and against horrific realities like fur factories and puppy mills," she added. "I also have a column on www.bestswimwear.com where I talk about how to get your body in bikini shape, while still enjoying life, and especially food."

Here's that bikini shape she was talking about:

And the NSFW photos that made the Pope proud are below...

WARNING: NSFW BOOBS... as if the above photos aren't...

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FOXNews Thinks Mr. Rogers is the Root of All Our Problems and Most Definitely Responsible for the Recession [VIDEO]

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 20:42:00 GMT

The geniuses at FOXNews have figured out what's wrong with the world today and it turns out that Mr. Rogers is to blame for everything. Apparently the old man fucked two entire generations of kids by telling them (us!) that they were special just for being who they were. Oops. Apparently, he was way off base and what he should have said was that we would be special only if we worked really hard. Because we need to learn that the world owes us nothing. And, duh, this is true and important because Asian kids who didn't watch Mr. Rogers worked harder than American kids who did.

SO YOU SEE: THE WORLD OWES YOU NOTHING, YOU HEAR?

Maybe you need to hear it again. From FOXNews's mouth to your ear.

Fox News Thinks Madonna Broke A-Rod's Rod

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[Via Prose before Hos 2]

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Dies in A Freak Car Accident

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:08:00 GMT

This whole "writing about fingerbanging classes" trend is really getting annoying.

Who is Melissa Rycroft and why is Hugh Hefner offering her half a million dollars to pose for Playboy?

Hummer vs. school bus. Guess who wins?

A couple of things: how did the cameraperson know to film at that moment? Does the second animal live there? (It sure seems friendly if it doesn't.) And why is the second clip for 8:17 and the first from 8:18. Other than those obvious question marks, we love this video.

Minnesota cops now have their very own Oscar Grant case.

Rihanna is apparently cooperating with prosecutors after all. And she's supposed to be on Oprah with Chris Brown at some point soon.

And this Fox News story comes from a Sun story that turns out to have been completely made up. Fox reports a prank as a true story-- it's a case of a fake "news" company reporting fake news!

If you like that, you'll just flip for the gBall. Pretty crazy, eh?

It's still early, so here's one of the few practical jokes we've seen for... April Fool's!

And if you really think Miley Cyrus died in a freak car accident last night, you obviously weren't around for last year's April Fool's Day either.

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FOXNews Editors Can't Quite Bring Themselves to Use the Word "Penis"

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 18:51:00 GMT

At least not in headlines, anyway. Remember that huge PENIS that some PENIS drew on his parents' roof? You know, the PENIS pictured above? Well, a few days later FOXNews finally picked up the PENIS story, but they couldn't quite bring themselves to actually use the word PENIS.

Don't they know they'd get so many more hits if they actually used the word PENIS in the headline?

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Idiot At Fox Degrades Sexual Abuse Victims With Her Politicking

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 21:04:00 GMT

Just about every line of this Fox News clip is hilarious. It's hard to top the opening line, with its incredibly twisted take on why a government inquiry is going on. (They "may make a play [for a company] if it doesn't like the way it's doing business. Huh?" Right-- we should have just let Enron and WorldCom get away with everything-- got it, Fox.)

Then this bonehead comes on and, at the end of this video, makes an analogy involving sexual abuse that's so out of ~~left~~ right field, it's enough to offend anyone who's ever been sexually abused. Congrats, Fox, a new low in political blows.

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Italian Porn Star Strips at the Milan Stock Exchange

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 22:19:00 GMT

Man, porn stars are all over the media today. Just head back to the homepage and scroll down-- even Kim Kardashian makes an appearance!

22-year-old Sicilian actress Laura Perego trumps them all-- "walked into the stock market in a black coat which she took off to reveal her body painted in the colours of the Italian flag, naked apart for some tiny underwear," according to the Associated Press.

She accused the government of incompetence in its financial dealings and of leaving Italians with nothing but their underwear after taxes are taken out. Man, this is the spokesperson Michael Steele has been dying for. Fox News is sure to interview her any day now.

Of course, the "family values" motto the Republicans stand behind doesn't really jibe with these pics:

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Fox News Enjoys Your Big Butt

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 16:36:00 GMT

Fox News in Phoenix had one of its poor, long-suffering female correspondents file a report on big butts and why they're absolutely wonderful for your health. Okay, this we gotta see...

"Right in the ol' badonk?" Dirty Diane, clearly you are obsessed. Also, apparently, big butts are what made Beyonce and J-Lo famous and there's no need to work out that much if your ass is gigantic. Thanks, Fox.

We'll never look at apples the same way.

Via MyFoxPhoenix.

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Found on the Road: Four-Flavored Condom?

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 15:28:00 GMT

I've been pretty much living in Planes, Trains and Automobiles for the past 36 or so hours. After waiting eleven hours in an airport yesterday, I rode a Greyhound for four hours to quite possibly also spend today in another airport. Anyway, one great thing about a bus ride? Truck stops! I love shopping at truck stops. And yesterday, while squatting over a disgusting toilet, I looked up to find the condom machine. Four flavored condoms for 75-cents? What a deal! I knew it was finally time to pop my condom-machine cherry. Unfortunately, it turns out it wasn't such a good deal after all.

Either it is one four-flavored condom (WTF?) or, more likely, it is one of four flavors. Will it be banana? Chocolate? Strawberry? Or mint (marijuana??)?

Only you can tell. FInish this sentence:

If I had a ____-flavored condom I'd ______________________ Fox News.

and send it to scanner@nerve.com. The best answer will be posted here and the winner will receive this mystery condom via the USPS. The Springfield, MO airport may not have fresh coffee or hot food but it has to have a post office. Right?

More goodies from my travels coming next week.

(For the very interested among you, I'm Tiwttering my misadventures. The less sleep I get—I'm working on four hours in three days—the better my Twats, it seems.)

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Sex is the New Airborne

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 14:19:00 GMT

How bizarre is it that Fox News has become our go-to source for information on medical breakthroughs involving sex? Oddly enough, the famous conservative news source was the first outlet to tell us about a new study (ah, yes, one of those) showing all the many wonderful things sex does for the body. Some of them may actually surprise you-- and just because this is Fox we're talking about here.

Fox took their info from The Daily Mail, while we, in turn, mercifully condensed the epic story down to the most useful quotes. The article spotlights doctors at Nottingham University who want you all to have sex for the good of your health. And not the usual, "It clears the sinuses, you'll lose weight!" obviousness we've been digesting for decades. Among the benefits mentioned:

...increasing longevity to reducing the risk of erectile dysfunction and even heart attack...

Well, yes, one would think successfully completing intercourse decreases the risk of erectile dysfunction, but we see the point:

[M]en who kept up a regular sex life in their 50s were also at lower risk of developing prostate cancer
American research found that menopausal women who had sex every week had estrogen levels twice as high as their abstaining counterparts.

'This may provide some protection against male osteoporosis.'
Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of immunoglobulin A, or IgA, a substance found in saliva and the nasal lining thought to help our immune systems fight colds and flu.
One of the largest studies on longevity and sex - conducted on Welsh men - found that those who had sex less than once a month had double the risk of dying prematurely than those who had sex twice a week.

There's bad news for us twenty- and thirtysomething sex fiends:

(Conversely, they found 'too much' sexual activity - more than 20 times a month - in the 20s and 30s could increase the risk.)

Guess we won't be getting laid tonight... not that we were planning on it anyway.

Via the Daily Mail.

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Fox News Wants You To Have Sex... Greener Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 22:34:00 GMT

We're often discussing ways to reconcile our need for unrestrained, raunchy sex with our boring ol' environmentalism. Sometimes we've even gotten specific about ways our love lives have evolved in a more socially-conscious era. But we not as specific as the recent Fox News piece "11 Ways to Make Your Sex Life 'Greener.'"

Wait, Fox News is leading the eco-friendly sexual revolution? Now, this we gotta see...

Here are the 11 Ways, according to FNC Sexpert Yvonne K. Fulbright, a smarty-pants name if we've ever heard it (just kidding-- it's impossible to successfully mock a pompous byline when your own last name is Fairbanks.)

1. Organic Lubricants 2. Bamboo Sheets 3. Eco-Lingerie 4. Environmentally Friendly Condoms 5. Sustainable Wooden Paddles 6. Phthalate-Free Vibrators 7. Certified Fair Trade Chocolate 8. Local Flowers 9. Sex Kits 10. Organic Wine 11. DivaCup

Nothing extraordinary, but perhaps more comprehensive than many similar lists we've personally created on Scanner. But one thing stuck with us-- this seemed all too familiar. Look at a post on the TakePart blog:

1) Sustainably Sexy Lingerie 2) Vegan Condoms 3) Natural Lubricants 4) Spank Me! 5) Organic Massage Oils 6) Solar Vibrator 7) Twisted Monk Bondage Starter Kit 8) Smart Balls 9) Fun in the Tub 10) Fair Trade Aphrodisiacs

No one's accusing Fox of plagairzing our friends at the socially-conscious TakePart, but why would we listen to Fox News, a network that tells us sex is a shameful practice yet has no problem milking stories about it for monetary gain? Why would we listen to a conservative "news" source, a proudly "red state" institution after it was revealed that people in states that heavily regulate sexual activity spend more money on porn than those in more liberal areas?

Perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves. But the point is-- why would anyone care what Fox News thinks is greener sex when we have a liberal list that includes gems like this:

Have you been a baaaad environmentalist? Forget to recycle that take-out container last night? Bend over and take your punishment like a good little greenie with this classic wooden paddle made with materials from a sustainable source by a fair trade project in India.

Suck my Smart Balls, Murdoch.

We'll spare you our revolutionary #12 idea, which has something to do with the "WTF?!" photo seen here...

Top image via. The TakePart blog post is here; Fox's is here.

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Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 23:13:00 GMT

If you could go back and date every guy you ever rejected, would you? That's the plot behind the new web TV series "Hell Froze Over." [HellFrozeOver.tv]

Someone else watched Miss USA's porn debut so you don't have to (unless you want to) and raised a good question: are you supposed to watch an entire porno? [Plog]

Who said it? "I've had times when my pants split right down the middle when I bent down to reach a note." [Us]

This 20-pound-lobster video required a second email from the Brooklyn Paper today. [Brooklyn Paper]

To catch a FOXNews producer.... yeah, you get the drift. [Gawker]

These celebrities' Valentine's Day plans sound about as sexy as ours (which is not at all). [Yahoo!]

But that's okay, this video of Elvis Costello performing Jenny Lewis' "Carpetbaggers" with Lewis and Zooey Deschanel is all the Valentine's love we need.

[via Stereogum]

While You Were Sleeping: The Fox News Child Porn Bust

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

If the grading system had been abandoned at our high schools, we might have gotten into some better universities.

PJ Harvey is coming to America! Who's buying us a ticket?

Who is Hollywood's most bankable star? Will Smith, followed by a host of males: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, and-- well-- Brad Pitt's significant other.

Male police officers were punished for taking pictures of themselves at a sizeable party-- each cop was naked and holding a firearm.

Hillary Clinton is bored, wants you to e-mail her. Send her some Scanner links, see what happens.

Have you guys been following the Duff-Dunaway feud? Us neither.

And the Fox News producer arrested for possession of child porn was actually arrested ten years ago for the same crime, and subsequently dropped out of college in Michigan because of it.

So Lap Dances Aren't Acceptable at High School Basketball Games?

Museum Erotica Might Be the Economy's Next Victim

Sloppy Seconds: Why Sam Won't Leave Lindsay

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 23:47:00 GMT

We refused to read "Eat, Pray, Love" but that doesn't mean we won't see the movie. Julia Roberts is set to play the memoirist/author Elizabeth Gilbert. [Reuters]

An arrest warrant has been issued for Joe "Boobies" Francis and he faces up to 10 years in prison if convicted on charges of tax evasion. Which reminds us, we need to get our taxes done so we can afford to keep our meager boobies safe from Francis. [Yahoo!]

Is naked Obama riding a unicorn officially a meme? [Jossip]

We're not really fans of fake retro anything. But Shaun of the Dead is one of our favorite movies, so we're really excited about this 1960's paperback book cover artwork. It's sort of reverse adaptation. [LaughingSquid]

Staten Island's groundhog, Charles G. Hogg (known by locals as Staten Island Chuck) bit Mayor Bloomberg at a press conference today. We bet that's the last time Bloomie gets on a Ferry. [Star Gazette]

Are we the only ones who don't find the MacGruber SNL skits funny? [Vulture]

Unless you're really cool (we're not) you probably didn't know who Sam Ronson was before she started dating Lindsay Lohan. And according to FOXNews's ever-reliable sources, that's exactly why Sam would never leave LiLo. [FOXNews]

Video of the Day: Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits or Republican Porn

Scanner Matt — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 18:01:00 GMT

What vile garbage will be spewed forth this time as Ann Coulter begs the public not to forget her? Here's a video of all the wonderful nuggets of wisdom Ann has bestowed while trying to sell books, including a new zinger for 2009.

23/6 has put together a nifty video for your viewing pleasure/horror:

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

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FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Forget everything you heard in 2008!!! It turns out hanging with that hepcat Jesus really does contribute to keeping America's youth free from sin.

According to Janet Rosenbaum, a post doctoral fellow at Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, young people with strong religious backgrounds become sexually active about three years later than their non-religious peers. (It should be noted that her numbers are based on data collected from middle and high school students in 1995 and 1996, way back when even we were religious and not having sex.) But don't be fooled by those pesky virginity pledges or purity rings, she says.

Rosenbaum's study showed that making a virginity pledge doesn't play a role any sexual behavior because teenagers who take a pledge are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence. The study also revealed that those who took virginity pledges where less likely to use condoms that non-pledgers, she said.

So those kids with their purity rings can stop frontin'! However, if Rosenbaum thinks the numbers reflect the actions of today's teenagers, by "sex" she must mean purely "penis in vagina," because if we remember correctly, teenagers across the nation are gladly taking it up the ass—and other orifices—these days.

Of course, only FOXNews would report on a story that's based on 13-year-old statistics about 13-year-olds.

[FOXNews: Study: Religious Teens More Likely to Abstain from Sex]

ABC Calls Drunken Teenage Anal Sex "Love Making," Interviews Jezzies and Ultimately Tries to be Helpful
Scanner Roundtable: Purity Rings
Video of the Day: Have You Taken Your Virginity Pledge Yet?
Today in WTF: Virginity Pledges Actually Work?
The Father-Daughter Purity Ball Is One Party Scanner Will Not Be Attending

White House Press Secretary Gets A Black Eye

Scanner Matt — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

We assume you heard about the infamous shoe-thrower, Muntadhar al-Zaidi, who flung his soles at George Bush ("This is a farewell kiss from the Iraqi people, you dog!"). And if you read up on it, you learned that they beat the poor guy senseless while in custody.

Muntadar al-Zaidi has allegedly suffered a broken arm, broken ribs and internal bleeding, his older brother, Dargham, told the BBC.

But while Bush got away without a scratch, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino took a microphone in the eye during the melee, which resulted in a nice shiner.

Guess what's after the jump.

Bush's bullshitter took one for the team. AP has the story.

Is this guy the Barack Obama of the GOP? Um, no.

George Bush: From White House to 'Whites Only' House

Bush: "People Voted For Barack Obama Because of Me" No sh*t!

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Sloppy Seconds: Secret Celebrity Weddings... Who Done It?

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 23:12:00 GMT

Fox News just got a little less liberal. (Bet you didn't know that was possible.) Hannity and Colmes will now just be, um, Hannity. [Yahoo]

Dr. Pepper was giving away free soda to celebrate the release of Guns 'N Roses' long-anticipated Chinese Democracy. Apparently, though, the high demand for free drinks crashed the beverage makers' website, leaving rock fans everywhere thirsty and disappointed. [Vulture]

Did you know Jason Lee was married? Neither did we. [Us]

Who else got secretly married?

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. As if you care. Sorry. [People]

R. Kelly's nephew has been charged with attempted murder after a brawl in a barbershop. [MTV]

Was John McCain the only one who didn't know "suspending" his campaign was a terrible idea? Scanner Brian totally called it. [Political Wire]

Who Will Be the First to Interview President Obama?

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:39:00 GMT

You may have thought Scanner Brian would be the first to snag an interview with our new president, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, one of those fancy "real" news outlets beat us to it.

"60 Minutes" will get the first interview with President Elect Obama and our soon-to-be First Lady, Michelle Obama.

The interview is scheduled to take place with Steve Kroft today and it will air this Sunday at 7. So set your TiVo and invite us over. We'll bring the casserole.

[CBS: President-Elect Obama On 60 Minutes Sunday]

Related:

CBS News Correspondent Embroiled In Career-Defining Sex Scandal

Shameless Self Promotion: My Book!

While You Were Sleeping: The New American Idol Judge

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New York Senator Insults Porn

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 17:27:00 GMT

While trying to make a statement about the fairness doctrine—and, really, conservative talk radio—the senior senator from New York (and king of the Sunday press conference, as we know from our New York Sun days), Chuck Schumer went and insulted the porn industry.

During an Election Day interview on Fox News, Senator Chuck Schumer (D-New York) took a jab at critics of the Fairness Doctrine, and suggested radio stations should be required to be "fair and balanced."

"The very same people who don't want the Fairness Doctrine want the FCC to limit pornography on the air," Schumer stated. "I am for that. I think pornography should be limited. But you can't say 'government hands off' in one area to a commercial enterprise, but 'you're allowed to intervene' in another. That's not consistent."

We beg to differ, Senator Schumer. Conservative radio is far worse than porn.

True, he might have been trying to insult conservative radio, but in doing so, he insulted porn. Comparing conservative talk radio to "Girls Gone Wild" would have been one thing, but Chuck Schumer, you owe the porn industry an apology.

[One News Now: Schumer equates conservative talk radio with porn]

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What Do You Do When a Black Man is Elected President?

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 16:48:00 GMT

Why, you smoke weed and make babies.

While we hope this L.A. Fox affiliate newscaster wasn't trying to make any racial assumptions (because, let's be honest, if we weren't sitting in a bar in Kanas City with just our family and a few stragglers, we might have smoked it up and had some fun, too), this short clip almost makes it seem that way.

Contex, people!

Oh, and we'd like to clarify that if we'd had any weed we would have smoked it, even though we were in a bar, in Kansas City, with our family.

What A Five-Year-Old Thinks Of The Election

The Election Is Over... And Now The Truth Comes Out

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Sloppy Seconds: Which Power Ranger Is Guilty of Murder?

Emily Farris — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 21:54:00 GMT

Feeling like you want to do something about Proposition 8 but aren't a card carrying Calinfornia voter or don't have a million dollars to give? Check out 8 Against 8, a group of eight lesbian bloggers who have launched an eight-day collaborative fundraising drive to help defeat the proposition that, if approved, would overturn the ruling that allows gay marraige in California. [8 Against 8]

What would happen if John McCain hired Wes Anderson to make his ads? [FilmDrunk]

Any idea who Anne Hathaway's sexy new mystery man is? [People]

Oh that Jewel. Now that she's a country star she's such a prankster. She had her tour mate Brad Paisley (who's never done anything wrong in his life, apparently) arrested at an airport. [Us]

Reporter Judith Miller (of going to jail/Valerie Plame fame) has joined the Fox News channel as a contributor. [Yahoo!]

And one of the Power Rangers is guilty of one of the most horrific homicides we've heard about in years. Three homicides, in fact. [People]

House Hotties Break Network TV Rules With Raunchy Sex Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 14:31:00 GMT

Who woulda thunk Fox would be the network to air a groundbreaking (well, for network TV) lesbian sex scene? Well, that's precisely what's set to happen on Tuesday night, if this promo for the hit show House M.D. is to be believed...

Note that this video is NSFW, even if it is airing on (we can't get over it, so we'll say it again) the Fox Network:

Ironically, we posted a Who Would You Rather? on Friday that featured another medical drama's lesbian characters. We're pretty sure these two blow the Grey's Anatomy ladies off screen, even with a laughably fake scene like this one, at least on the pushing-boundaries angle...

Check them out for yourself and let us know.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Grey's Anatomy Lesbian Doctor Edition

Hot, Lesbian Doctor Action Coming to Tonight's "Grey's Anatomy?"

Megan Fox's Lesbian (Stripper) Love

Town Rallies Behind Principal Who Discriminated Against Lesbian Student

Obama and McCain Supporters Bring Out the Worst In All of Us

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 18:08:00 GMT

It seems that Republicans are so desperate to win they'll cheat and Democrats are so scared of any potential cheating that they will try to head off a "stolen" election with a few semi-legal or even illegal tactics of their own...

Here's today's insane roundup... scary, scary stuff... it's enough to make you think Bob Barr might pull it off after all...

1) Absentee voters in upstate New York were mailed ballots listing Barack's last name as "Osama".

The Democratic commissioner apologized profusely, stating that it was merely a typo and that three proofreaders somehow missed it! What other words did they have to check? "Vote" and "fill in one of these bubbles, morons?" Come on, this is just rigoddamneddiculous.

2) FoxNews thinks it has uncovered a case of voter fraud in Ohio. A pair of newlywed Obama supporters have been picking homeless people up and shuttling them to the early-voting polls, where they are allowed to register and vote on the spot, even without proof of residence. Power to the homeless, we say, but Fox disagrees:

Volunteers supporting Barack Obama picked up hundreds of people at homeless shelters, soup kitchens and drug-rehab centers and drove them to a polling place yesterday on the last day that Ohioans could register and vote on the same day, almost no questions asked. [Gasp! You mean they didn't ask them anything beyond "are you registered to vote?" and "okay, can you fill this out?" Oh my God! This may be totally illegal-- letting residents of a state who have lost their homes cast ballots anyway!]

Republicans have argued that the window could lead to widespread voter fraud because officials wouldn't have an opportunity to verify registration information before ballots were cast. [Fox]

3) A man was shot in the face, ostensibly for wearing a racially-charged t-shirt. The shirt? Pro-Obama. The shooter? Reportedly made racist comments at the scene of the shooting. The story here? The shooting was in South London.

If you hear any more evidence of voter fraud (besides the usual federal-law-violating voter purges within 90 days of an election, which is going on as we speak), let us know in the comments section.

Related:

Debate #3: It's Better To Fade Away Than To Burn Out

While You Were Sleeping: Amy Winehouse's Scientology Cure

Boobs for Barack

Let's Take A Look-See At The Ol' Electoral Map...

The Veep Deba(cle): Why Everybody Loses

While You Were Sleeping: Colbert '08 Is On Again

Sloppy Seconds: And Just What Does Woody Allen Think Is So Unfunny?

Emily Farris — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Is there even more "Sex and the City" in our future? [Us]

If you're just dying to hear Britney Spears' new single "Womanizer," here: [Radar]

Thank the God in heaven (who we don't really believe in): Elisabeth Hasselbeck is leaving The View (that we don't really watch) for Fox News (which we absolutely don't watch). [PopCrunch]

Is there trouble in Olsen Twin paradise? But not double trouble (har, har). [MollyGood]

Cynthia Nixon is very pleased with Brad Pitt these days. [People]

"It would be a disgrace and a humiliation if Barack Obama does not win," according to Woody Allen. [Yahoo!]

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