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Thing #234 Not to F*ck: A Pine Cone

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:25:00 GMT

A reminder to folks out there who aren't getting any action: sex toys, including dildos, vibrators, and other phallic devices are widely available, even in godforsaken Third World countries like Iraq and Texas.

One woman wishes she had known that before deciding to get closer to nature... a whole lot closer...

A friend from another land thought we would all appreciate the story of Mirjana Gavaric, a woman from Belgrade who recently underwent an operation to have a pine cone removed from her vagina. (The Sun confirms these details, although they aren't entirely reliable.) Gavaric told hospital staff that she had been walking in Serbia's capital when she came across a "finely-shaped" cone, much like the one we've pictured above, and couldn't resist. FYI, Ms. Gavaric, prostitutes are very cheap in Serbia-- much cheaper than the two hour operation you had to endure, we're sure.

How long before we start hearing about vicars with potatoes up their butts or women with pine cones in their hoo-has in the Bible Belt of America? We'll keep you posted...

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Thing #529 Not to F*ck: Sex Toy Attached To Power Tool

Thing #457 Not to F*ck: A Car Wash Vacuum Cleaner

Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About "Horrific Beetle Sex"

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:40:00 GMT

We should probably preface this by letting you know that the article that sparked this post is called "Horrific beetle sex: why the most successful males have the spikiest penises."

So, why is it that the most successful males have the spikiest penises? A possible answer and a terrifying picture after the jump.

According to the blog, Not Exactly Rocket Science, Mother Nature graced the male seed beetle with that monstrosity to the right—which obviously injures the female seed beetle—because:

It's possible that the injuries directly benefit the males, either because they stop the females from mating again or spend more efforts in raising their fertilised eggs to avoid the strain of future liaisons.

The alternative is that the spikes could give the males an edge in "sperm competitions", where they compete with rivals not through direct combat, but through fertilising as many eggs as possible. In this theory, the spines are important for winning these competitions, and the wounds they inflict are simply a nasty side-effect.

Sounds a little like some men we know: beating up their women so they'll be in no shape for another man. We can't imagine seed beetles care about monogomy, though, so we're going to go with the second "sperm competition" theory. (But what do we know about beetle sex? Absolutely nothing.)

Also, you've heard of a fluffer right? Well, to find out exactly what a bettle penis looked like, two lucky scientists got to fluff some male beetles:

The duo studied beetles taken from 13 countries across the tropics, from Brazil to the USA, and from Nigeria to Oman. The genitals of these different populations are very varied and to study them under a microscope, Hotzy and Arnqvist first had to fluff their subjects. They anaesthetised the males with carbon dioxide, and erected their penises with an "artificial inflater" - a microscopic plastic tip connected to a pump. Under a microscope, they measured the length of the longest spines and the size of the entire spine-bearing area.

Even after examining the males and females, however, scientists are still unsure of why the male beetle has a penis covered in spikes.

Luckily, for the female seed beetle, she can hold her own. She apparently has a huge amount of connective tissue lining her sexual tracts, so that whatever terrible sexual act the male beetle performs on her, she's not affected too badly. And (this is awesome) when she's had enough, she kicks the male until he lets go, it gets him to cum faster and get that spiky shaft the fuck out of her beetle juice.

Related:

Birds Do It, Bees Do It, See it at Zoorotica

Video of the Day: Isabella Rossellini's Arty, Ridiculous, Awesome Bug Porn

Isabella Rossellini Does Bug Porn

Atheists in Italy Learn That God Hates Them

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:04:00 GMT

The atheist bus campaign rolls on.

Its latest victims and champions can be found in Italy, where the city of Genoa was supposed to be rewarded for its long ties to some small religion (it apparently involves worshiping an old kook in a big pointy hat) by facing off with the greatest of all evils: a billboard ad.

This time, however, the controversial slogan went unseen by the brainwashed/enlightened masses, thanks to either define intervention or faulty mechanics...

According to the UPI, the first bus to feature a hotly-contested ad ventured out into the streets this morning, only to be confronted by a dying battery. Within minutes, the public transit vehicle was back at headquarters for repairs, and Catholics (and, well, other religious people) were laughing and praising their Lord.

By the way, this is far from the end of the story. The bus should be back on the streets again soon, having survived only the latest of rounds in a long-running dispute. It originally was going to feature an ad reading "The Bad News Is God Doesn't Exist. The Good News Is You Don't Need Him," a much harsher version than the original atheist bus ad running in various parts of the world ('There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.")

The new bus reads: "The Good News Is There Are Millions of Atheists In Italy; The Excellent News Is They Believe In Freedom Of Expression," which gives the impression we're going out with a whimper... and not with a big bang.

Via UPI. Photo via Flickr.

Related:

All Aboard the Atheism Bus

Exorcist: Keep It In Your Pants Or Beelzebub's Gonna Getcha

Christians Retaliate Against Atheists With Even Lamer Ad Campaign

Video of the Day: Spend the Next 27 Minutes of Your Life Listening to Tony Soprano Curse

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 17:54:00 GMT

A video editor with far too much time on his or her hands has taken it upon him or herself to compile every swear word ever uttered in all six six seasons of The Sopranos. It sounds a lot like the half hour we spend working out three days a week. And if someone can mash this up with some good classic rock and hip-hop so we don't have to waste our own breath cursing while we work out, we'd be eternally obliged and super impressed.

the sopranos, uncensored. from victor solomon on Vimeo.

Related:

James Gandolfini Gets Some Sexual Healing

She Told You She Was Trouble

Thing #7,859 Not To F*ck: A Metal Rod

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 19:46:00 GMT

You would think it would be a woman (or, if was a guy, then a guy simulating some anal action) that would be the one to try having sex with a metal rod. As insane as the idea is, we'd at least relate to it if someone stuck a long, sturdy tube in their private parts... but only if those parts were the ass or the vagina...

...certainly not if they stuck a long, study tube anywhere else...

We heard about this story last night and thought for sure it would be retracted by now or at least updated to say that actually, the metal rod would turn out to have been used for some other purpose other than this...

"We didn't know what he was doing, but we knew it's not right to have your pants down in a park," says witness Jeff Niemeier.

On scene, deputies found 55-year old Larry Williamson sitting on a picnic table naked, masturbating, with a metal rod protruding from his penis.

Sorry, but we cannot fathom this. The most painful experience of our lives was getting a routine STD test in which a (can't even type the word) was shoved inside (nope, can't finish the sentence either-- it was that traumatizing.) In our experience, nothing is ever, ever supposed to go in there and anytime it does... it causes excruciating pain of the most unimaginable order. Like being tied to a chair naked and getting whacked in the balls by a villain with some sort of eye disease. Yowch.

PS This guy has been busted for this before-- not the metal rod part, thank God-- and was found with:

binoculars, sex toys, male enhancement drugs, lotions, a small dog, candy and bags of cotton candy-things often used to lure children.

Good Christ! What the hell was he going to do with the small dog?! Never mind, the metal rod thing around caused us considerable emotional distress, we don't want to know any more...

Via WEHT.

Related:

Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Want To Have Sex With Obama?

Don't F*ck With People From Detroit

Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt

You're Circumcised? Well, That Explains It...

Crushed: Kim Kardashain's Dreams of Dancing With the Stars (Outside the Bedroom, Anyway)

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 15:37:00 GMT

Apparently Kim Kardashian is just as exciting on the dance floor as she is in the bedroom.

That's not very exciting, for anyone who hasn't seen her sex tape.

Kardashian was kicked off of ABC's "Dancing With the Stars" last night, after a "lackluster ramba routine." Mmhmm.

She and her partner, Mark Ballas, received a score of 17 out of 30, and after that score was combined with viewer votes, the pair was booted.

[Yahoo!: 3rd celebrity gone from 'Dancing With the Stars]

Related:

Has Kim Kardashian's DWTS Partner Seen Her Sex Tape?

All Right, Fine... We'll Show You Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape...

Hot or Not? Kim Kardashian Poses for "Ralph"

Mean Girls: Paris Hilton Calls Former BFF's Ass "Cottage Cheese Inside a Trash Bag"

[Image]

Happy National Punctuation Day!

Emily Farris — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 18:57:00 GMT

Hey kids, it's National Punctuation Day. We'd like to take this opportunity to remind you to f*%$ off!!!!!!!!

Just joking; we don't advocate the use of that many exclamation points—ever.

No, really, we love you, but what better phrase to illustrate the importance of punctuation?

[National Punctuation Day]

Has Kim Kardashian's DWTS Partner Seen Her Sex Tape?

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 15:11:00 GMT

Celebutante Kim Kardashian joins the likes of Lance Bass, Chef Rocco Dispirito, Susan Lucci, Toni Braxton and Cloris Leachman for the seventh season of Dancing With the Stars.

On her MySpace blog, Kardashian talks a lot about her anxiety over meeting her dance partner, Mark Ballas.

“All I could think was, I would be spending weeks and weeks and weeks, hours upon hours with this person, so I hoped we’d just get along to start!”

Riiight, Kimmers. You were just worried he'd seen your sex tape.

We only hope her performance on DWTS has a little more energy than her sex tape. And based on this picture we found, we think she'll be okay:

But what do you think?

[People: Kim Kardashian Traces Her DWTS Journey]

Hot or Not? Kim Kardashian Poses for "Ralph"

Mean Girls: Paris Hilton Calls Former BFF's Ass "Cottage Cheese Inside a Trash Bag"

Sloppy Seconds: Kim Kardashian's Cheap, Sexy Christmas Underwear Guide

Barbara Walters to Kim Kardashian: Why Are You Famous?

The Hills Season 4: We Know Someone! And Some Other Stuff, Too

Ina Maier — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:53:00 GMT

It's almost that time of year again. When the best worst show on television comes back to entice and entrance us with blank stares, dramatic pauses, and excessive amounts of kohl eyeliner. The good news? This time around, they've brought in some reinforcements in the form of guys other than Brody "Eyelashes" Jenner and Justin "Greasy Hair" Bobby. And guess what: We know one of them! The scoop, the video, and everything you never wanted to know about Season 4 of The Hills, after the jump.

Just about 8 seconds in, you'll see an apparently hunky piece of man-meat saunter on screen and get introduced as Alex. This, our friends, is Alex Smith, former second string Columbia University kicker (this Scanner's alma mater) and even-more-former USC student and/or benchwarmer. The USC thing is important, because as it turns out, it's what Whitney Port and Alex Smith have in common. (Alex: "I went to USC." Whitney: "I went to USC!")

We heard rumors that Alex had managed to parlay his lackluster football career into modelling, or maybe that's just what he told us when we ran into him at the sleazy and sleepy rooftop club B.E.D. (Don't ask why we were there. We'll plead the 5th.) Anyway, and without further ado, here is Alex's debut on TV's most watched show about nothing.

Oh, and there's a lot of fucking. She-Pratt fucks over Lauren, Lauren fucks over Lo, Speidi fucks over Heidi's sister, and Audrina, after being fucked over last season by Lauren, Lo, and Jason Bobby, decides to go on a date with a guy named Colin. Oh yeah, and Whitney probably fucks Alex. It's riveting stuff, people.

UPDATE: For some reason, the video player isn't working for us. So - you'll have to watch the aforementioned (and below) video over at MTV.com. We'll keep working on it.

Video of the Day: Sarah Silverman Makes a Funny

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 21:29:00 GMT

(Thanks, Bill!)