Scanner : getting laid

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:52:00 GMT

A few weeks back (or thereabouts), we told you about the Melbourne, Florida church that rocked the conservative community by promoting a new series of sex workshops.

Unsurprisingly, most everyone in the area has decided that this is their cross to bear and each of them, individually, will try to prevent Christians from getting nailed properly...

The New Hope Baptist Church has been hosting its "risque" series at Sherwood Elementary School, but the local yokels aren't sure what to make of it:

Brevard Public School District's risk-management department has threatened to boot New Hope Church out of Sherwood...
Church leaders mailed 25,000 fliers, asking residents "Is Your Sex Life A Bore?" The three-week program kicked off inside the school auditorium. Pastor Bruce Cadle had said the Christian church has been "shamefully silent" on the taboo topic.

Mark Langdorf, the director of risk management, says the mailers generated complaints, were not appropriate for elementary school children and shouldn't be used to advertise the sermon in the school.

Langdorf says the church's lease contract is under review.

Of course, the lousy Associated Press didn't bother to get a quote from the Church itself. Here's what they have to say on the subject:

Is your sex life a bore? A chore? Feeling like you want more? Is sex supposed to leave you feeling guilty? Frustrated? Insecure? Empty? It’s supposed to be fun, right? So why does it seem like everyone else is having all the fun? Why are men and women’s desires so different? So incompatible?

Discover answers to all these questions and more at Great Sex For You, a new teaching series at New Hope Church beginning this Sunday at 11am. You’ll learn how to have the Great Sex that God created you to enjoy! You’ll discover how to find the right partner, how to affair proof your marriage, how to fan the flames of romance, and how to ensure that your marriage and love life gets better year after year. Don’t miss this life-changing message!

The Great Sex that God created us to enjoy? This is about the only workshop that could ever get us to willingly attend church services. Oh, and free Krispy Kreme doesn't hurt either...

Via the Church's website.

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This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

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While You Were Sleeping: Facebook vs. Lesbians

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:06:00 GMT

Don't forget to right-click the links to open them in a new window...

The latest victim of Fox is Pedro Almodovar?

It's almost impossible to get a perfect score on the SAT-- how impossible would it be to get perfect scores on the PSAT, ACT, and SATs?

We wonder why this worm sign fail isn't as common in Louisiana. And, by the way, we had a great first weekend of Jazz Fest.

David Letterman wants to see Lauren Conrad's rumored/long-awaited sex tape.

That meanie Miss California is now a folk hero among ignorant religious bigots.

The latest worldwide fad: that fun-lovin' swine flu thing.

90% of teenagers have cell phones these days, effectively making the previous generation the last one to prefer the physical presence of their friends.

Madonna is the hardest workin' mama in the biz.

Does Facebook have something against lesbians?

The TV couple you hate the most were legally married on Saturday in Pasadena.

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

No One's Getting Laided On Facebook Anymore

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:50:00 GMT

If you think that's fake, know this: we once had a capatcha on Ticketmaster that read "penile imploder."

I know it's hard to believe, but I have been picked up on Facebook before. (I'll let Colleen, Emly, and Ina weigh in on their own success, if they want-- but this is speaking strictly for myself.)

It doesn't happen very often, and certainly not since I removed "Single" from my profile, but it's entirely true that Facebook is a hotbed of sexual activity. According to this interesting chart we just came across, everyone is surfing Facebook after midnight in the hopes of getting laid and ending up at least claiming to have succeeded...

The graph charts the rise and fall of users claiming to have had sex-- after a drop around the end of last year, everyone is now saying "had sex" in their status updates, prompting the recent two-month-long spike on the readout. Whether these people had sex or just asked everyone else, desperately, "Hey Jamie-- had sex last night?" remains to be seen. Or doesn't-- since it's not like anyone's doing a formal study. (By the way, check out everyone getting laid in the fall/winter of '07/'08. Hot damn, where were we?)

Which leaves it up to us to ask-- are you getting laid thanks to Facebook?

Via Metro UK.

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Andy Asks: Facebook or F*ckbook?

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While You Were Sleeping: The Endless Power of Bras

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From Scanner HQ

Scanner Highs and Lows: Auld Lang Syne

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

It seems like just last year that we were doing this...

Highs:

Hey, apparently, we're going to get laid more this year. We hope. Please.

We discussed the pros and cons of oral sex, without you.

We took a few days off.

We learned that Scanner Brian has better hair than he used to.

Then he showed us some funny pictures.

And reminded us how creepy we can all be sometimes.

Speaking of funny pictures, we made a carrot feel a lot better about himself.

We contemplated time travel.

We were rated NC-17.

Lows:

We learned just what kind of crazy, obsessive society we live in.

We worried some famous people would die.

We didn't get everything we wanted for Christmas.

We looked back at the lessons learned last year.

We found yet another reason to be glad we left New York when we did.

Teachers continue to believe children are the future, show them all the beauty they posses inside.

We were disappointed by the updated "Joy of Sex."

Men's Magazines All About Getting You Laid (File Under: Date Rape)

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:48:00 GMT

We're on to you, men's healthy lifestyle magazines. Whether you bury your information in your editorial content, or allow it in the advertising section, you're really just a cover for getting dudes laid, right?

This month, the back pages of Men's Fitness bring us a disturbing ad for Sexactivator, a "magical wonder liquid" that "can be taken orally, or put in any drink." And, "some women say that they love when their man puts a few drops in their favorite drink without them knowing. They say that it turns them on even more."

We have two questions. 1) What the fuck? 2) Does it work on dudes?

Full ad after the jump.

We have to ask one more time: what the fuck?

[Jezebel: Baby, I Spiked Your Drink With Sexactivator: Scary Ads From The New Men's Fitness]

Previously:

"Men's Health" is All About Getting Dudes Laid, Safely

Howard Schatz Reminds Us How Much Steamier Sex Is Underwater

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 19:41:00 GMT

Fleshot has alerted us to photographer Howard Schatz's stunning collection of underwater nudes, which are now available on his website. Most of these were published in his celebrated 2007 book H20.

H20 is now exhibiting in Innsbruck, Montreal, and Louisville... but we present a grand tease of some of the finest shots we've come across...

To read more about Schatz and his show, check out his website here.

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Do These Jeans Make My Head Look Big?

Emily Farris — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 19:03:00 GMT

If they got us laid, they probably do. But they didn't. And all we can tell you about lately are the clothes that didn't get us laid—which are pretty much all the clothes in our closet... and our dresser... and that plastic bin under the bed... and the clothes waiting to be picked up at the laundromat.

Maybe we need to spend more time at The Clothes That Got Me Laid, so we can learn the secrets of the girls who are actually getting some. Except, we wear a lot of similar clothes (save the Doc Martens) and still aren't getting laid.

While we understand the power of putting on something that makes you feel like a sexy fucking beast, we hate to tell you: it's probably not the clothes. But this site is fun, nonetheless.

The Clothes That Got me Laid

Embrace the Moobs, Then Squeeze Them, Hard.

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 May 2008 20:18:00 GMT

Note to men with moobs (er, man boobs): your chances of getting laid are greatly increased by wearing this shirt.

Researchers Shocked and Appalled to Find Young People Use Drugs and Alcohol to Enhance Sex

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 May 2008 14:48:00 GMT

We love when we find a "news story" that's not really news at all, but because it's not yet been part of an official study then put into an official "news story" it's not really news, like "Study: Shit Stinks" or "Study: Owners Don't Clean Up After Their Dogs" or "Self-Medicating With Marijuana Could Make Depression Worse in Teens, Report Shows." Well, here, friends, is one of those stories that anybody who was ever age 17-22 already knows.

Headline: Europeans get drunk 'to have sex'

Subhead: Young adults in Europe deliberately binge on drink and drugs to improve their sex lives, research suggests.

A recent study found that 33% of men and 23% of women in Europe "strategically" drink to increase their chances of getting laid. While the research was done on our friends across the pond, we think it is somewhat indicative of young adults in capitalist societies.

Think about how many of your sexual encounters would not have happened if you weren't drunk. Oh, wait, we actually wish we wouldn't have just done that. Is that what these studies are for? To make us feel bad about ourselves?

[BBC: Europeans get drunk 'to have sex']

[Image]

This Dude is Going to Get You Laid

Emily Farris — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 19:49:00 GMT

The man pictured here has bad skin, beady eyes, and that hair is actually a wig to cover his bald head. But he's like the Hitch of Japan, except, you know, Japanese and not a character in a terrible movie. His Pickup School for Men Who Can't Get Any teaches men how to get laid, apparently very successfully, and he says it's all based "on a proprietary 'science' he discovered after a decade of careful research."

Fuck. We know he's kind-of right on, too.

Sadly, even women know the science to picking up women. How many of us have gone out with overweight, unemployed stoners who had the right shabby-chic sneakers and perfectly balanced mix of interest and disinterest? And how many of us have known that it's because they had that perfect balance of interest and disinterest that we were drawn to them? How many of us kept going back for more?

That may be the way things happen in America all too often, but it appears the science may be a little different in Japan:

[He] learned that a few simple tricks can go a long way: Women like laughter, compliments and magic tricks. Using these concepts, he devised a proprietary "science" for picking up women that takes into consideration things like reading signals and timing.

After 10 years and 10 new wigs, he'd become so successful with women, he says, that he decided to quit his job and make dating his profession.

Among other tricks, Fujita's method involves a deck of "psychoanalytic" cards that help him determine what kind of girl he has picked up.

He's also got a bag of tricks -- literally -- that includes flaming wallets, talking ferrets and animated algae balls. Fujita asked Wired.com not to disclose anything more detailed, for fear of giving away his closely guarded trade secrets.

"This may seem ridiculous, but if you follow a specific equation, it really works," he says.

We're not sure about the ferrets and algae balls (algae balls, really?), but dudes, here's a tip our Japanese friend might have left out that will help you on any continent: for the love of God, don't wear pleated pants.

[Wired: Inside the Bizarre World of Japanese Pickup Schools]