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As If I Haven't Pissed Off EVERY Christian Reader of This Site...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:13:00 GMT

In no way is this an attempt to alienate our Christian readers.

This falls under "Today in WTF," in the sense that we don't entirely appreciate the sentiment of this, the Inflatable Jesus Sex Doll. In fact, my gut reaction is that it goes far beyond satire and into pointless offensiveness-- which I'm guilty of on a daily basis, but that's another post.

I warn Christian readers that you are going to hate this thing-- but, as with the racist Obama cookies and other insulting garbage we've posted, just because it's here, it doesn't mean anyone condones it:

If the photo is too small to read all the fine print, click on it for a new tab/window and enlarge it there.

The comments on this site which rightly calls this goofy flyer "sacrilegious," make it almost worth having witnessed those images:

If this doll charged by the hour would it be a ” Profit-stitute? “
Oh cum all ye faithful
I am not usually such a prude, but this totally crosses the line. I mean the “suck your own D” and “check out my a**hole” poses are just gross.
WOW , simply WOW, too bad it wasnt a mohammad doll though because then when philly gets wrecked we couldve been rid of the phillies and eagles
Before you get to hell, I will have warmed up the sauna for you.

It should be pointed out that a search for the company that supposedly manufactures this only turns up more copies of this photo. Oh well...

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Candidate for Gov. of GA Admits to Having Sex... with a Mule

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Jesus Died For Somebody's Sins, But Not Mine

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:26:00 GMT

This video has been making the rounds today. We love it because we love anything that exposes religion for the ridiculous waste of time we know it to be.

Agree or disagree, you have to wonder why Jesus didn't turn deserts into fertile farm land. Or why God is such a jackass with an amusing accent. (By the way, another Biblical highlight from today's blogs.)

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Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Sex Ed Class Enjoys Naked Man Parade

This Week in Gayness: Matt Drudge Does Not Love Gay Sex With Men

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Tony Blair stood up to the Pope on homosexuality. Too bad no one cares what he thinks anymore.

Rick Warren tried to rewrite history on Larry King's show the other night. Apparently, he didn't support Prop8 or say all those hateful things.

Isn't it nice to finally have an Administration that allows gay couples with children to join the Easter Egg Hunt?

North Dakota had to get all "God hates you" on the gays. See you in the next century, guys.

More about the Vermont gay marriage law. And Iowa's.

Headline of the week: Graydon Carter Has Monster Cock, Is a Very Good Fuck (According to Rupert Everett)

Matt Drudge issued a sort-of non-denial denial from the platform of his right-wing hate blog: "I Do Not Love Sex With Men."

A gay mom with two kids is not going to be deported from the US after all. Yet.

Just because a thinking man like Barack Obama hails from Chicago doesn't mean people are taking it easy on the gays there.

The ads were meant to tell Chicago that health issues for gay men are about more than HIV and AIDs. Gay men practice yoga, swim and meditate, too. But someone removed or taped over three key words in the ads on the back of CTA buses: Gay, sexy and healthy. White tape had been affixed over the words on an orange poster on the back of a bus. Someone told him a red poster had been defaced with red tape. He also saw that the three words were cut out or scratched out on some posters. [Gay News Blog]

Related:

Senate Majority Leader to Conservatives Regarding the Gays: You've Already Lost

This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Gay Bishop is About to Get All "Gay Bishop" on Your Ass

This Week in Gayness: Fred Phelps Attacks London

This Week in Gayness: Aubrey O'Day May Be Gay

This Week In Gayness: America vs. Fred Phelps

Christians Retaliate Against Atheists With Even Lamer Ad Campaign

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 18:02:00 GMT

Last month's story about the atheism bus and subway ad campaign is far and away the most-visited post we've ever run. Fools on both sides of the aisle are still debating the merits of the anti-God argument and every other aspect of the article. As of now, there are more than 80 comments (hey, that's a lot for us) and no end to the debate in sight.

Now, comes word that the Christians are striking back publicly, with their own counter-campaign to the counter-campaign...

After more than 150 complaints about the above-pictured slogan from whiners who had no problem with the original campaign, a pro-Christian God-loving and in-your-face bus ad, the Christians decided that public momentum was on their side. They've decided to strike back with this new marketing strategy: a bus ad.

"There definitely is a God. So join the Christian Party and enjoy your life."

Wow-- what, was "I know you are, but what am I?" already taken? Golf clap for creativity, guys, just taking the original slogan and changing the words to fit your own opinion. That kind of thinking is why Democrats gave it up to loser candidates like George Bush and Saxby Chambliss. ("No, terrorists are not going to kill you" "no, we will not raise taxes on the middle class," "no, John Kerry is not Herman Munster," etc.)

Then again, this is all just preaching to the choir-- almost literally. No one will be persuaded by either of these arguments, but it was admittedly refreshing to see an ad that didn't use scare tactics (that means you, "show up to church or God will punish you" billboards in the American South) to express a religious message.

Related:

All Aboard the Atheism Bus

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All Aboard the Atheism Bus

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 20:34:00 GMT

The biggest story in Britain right now is the "Atheism Bus" campaign, which involves the rental of 800 billboard-size spaces on the sides of London's double deckers. The backers raised more than $200,000, most of it in just four days, and are now moving in to subway advertising, which we were lucky enough to get a full preview of.

“I think it’s dreadful,” said Sandra Lafaire, 76, a tourist from Los Angeles, who said she believed in God and still enjoyed her life, thank you very much. “Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I don’t like it in my face.” But Sarah Hall, 28, a visitor from Australia, said she was happy to see such a robust example of freedom of speech. “Whatever floats your boat,” she said. [NY Times]

(Of course, Lafaire wasn't asked if she minded having the other, pro-Christianity signs in her face.)

That's the bus ad, obviously. Here are three of the four or five subway posters that are about to launch:

Meanwhile, activists all over the world have taken up the call and people in other countries should expect to see atheist messages on public transit as early as Monday. Meanwhile, claiming the ads "discriminate" against religious people (again, that didn't stop them from running pro-religious ads), a Tasmanian transportation company withdrew plans to allow for a similar campaign, and is now facing a lawsuit to reverse that decision.

Australian partners, unsurprisingly, also face tremendous public opposition to their plan:

They hoped to put adverts on the back of buses with slogans stating "atheism – celebrate reason" or "atheism - sleep in on Sunday mornings".
But the proposed campaign was rejected by APN Outdoor, the country's biggest outdoor advertising company.
David Nicholls, president of the Atheist Foundation of Australia, said: "I am flabbergasted. This is extremely disappointing and a severe blow to freedom of expression in Australia. [Telegraph]

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Some People Just Don't Understand How Aliens, Orgies and Obama Go Together

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 15:41:00 GMT

Damnit! We were so busy moving we missed Global Orgasm Day. Not that we'd have done much about it if we'd remembered; we were on the road with Dad.

Unfortunately, we're not the only ones who missed out on the Global-O. A group in Israel had to cancel its giant orgy after receiving multiple threats.

The orgy, set to take place in Tel Aviv, was organized by the Raelian movement—a religion founded on the belief that humankind was created by aliens—and organizers expected at least 250 people of all sexual orientations to participate. But at the last minute, the party was canceled due to public pressure and threats on the owner of the venue where it was to all go down.

The event was part of Global Orgasm Day, which exists to "to effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible instantaneous surge of human biological, mental and spiritual energy."

This particular GOD, according to its organizers, was celebrating the election of Barack Obama and "the hope for change that he has stirred in our hearts." And yes, they mentioned the "Global OOObama Facbor."

Exactly 36 Hours Until the Global-O

[Image]

That's Some Scary Voodoo Sh*t Right There...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:58:00 GMT

Astrology, religion, tarot cards, a left-wing President, voodoo-- all hoaxes to us. But although we would never fall into a trap set by a black magic healer and his wife, we understand that some people are so desperate to make changes in their lives, that they would even give up their bodies on the off chance it could turn things around...

(Remember-- there are no gods, curses, angels, miracles, Chicagoan saviors, or legitimate fortune tellers. If ever a man approaches you and offers to remove "a curse," tell him "that's the worst pickup line you've ever heard," kick him squarly in the groin, and take off running before the police arrive.)

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, Frances Psichogios and her husband Tony Golossian tricked at least two women into having sex with them over a period of several years in order to "cure" the woman of a supposed curse. When the women's lives didn't seem to turn around, they went to the police, who arrested the voodoo king and queen for forced non consensual sex.

We'd like to know what it was that these women were trying to get rid of. A painful breakup? An STD? Or did it have absolutely nothing to do with sex at all? Scary stuff in any case...

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While You Were Sleeping: Viva Bettie Page

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While You Were Sleeping: David Duchovny Can't Keep It Together

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Is it wrong too arrest a man in a wheelchair... for driving while intoxicated?

Playboy cut 80 jobs thanks to the terrible economy.

Britney Spears is on top of the world again...

...she's back on top of the U.S. charts thanks to a record-breaking sales week. The singer's "Womanizer" tune has scored the biggest chart jump to number one in Billboard Hot 100 history after rocketing up 95 spots from last week's 96 to get there. [The song still blows. -Ed.]
It's the first time Spears has been on top since her debut single "...Baby One More Time" hit number one at the beginning of 1999. [Starpulse]

Today in Politicians Who Apparently Have Nothing Better To Do: the idiot in Nebraska who filed a lawsuit against God has seen his dreams shattered.

Janet Jackson was apparently suffering from vertigo, is back on tour, and likes loud goddamned explosions.

Strip clubs have turned to the "free flu shot" gimmick to attract business. (Or is it the other way around?)

David Duchovy and Tea Leoni apparently could not work it out. A spokesperson admitted the two have actually been separated for months, with no signs of a turnaround.

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Britney Spears Is (Almost) Not Completely Repulsive In Her New Video

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Sloppy Seconds: What Did Tina Fey Lose at the Emmys?

Emily Farris — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 21:04:00 GMT

Josh Groban says that "coffee and Nick at Nite" helped him prepare for his Emmy performance last night. Really? We were thinking crack and cheese. [People]

Um. Lowest rated Emmys. Ever. [The Feed]

Even with the part where that guy from Dancing With the Stars dropped Heidi Klum on her ass? At least she showed us her bruise. [FadedYouth]

Are the Cyruses trying to get fired from Disney? God, we hope so. [MollyGood]

The plane crash that killed four people and left DJ AM and Travis Barker badly burned may have been the result of a faulty tire. [Us]

Tina Fey didn't lose her composure, her top or her virginity at the Emmys. Nope, she just lost her purse. We think Josh Groban stole it. Hoping to find Sarah Palin's crack. Everyone gets so confused at these things. [People]

Sloppy Seconds: And Just What Does Woody Allen Think Is So Unfunny?

Emily Farris — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Is there even more "Sex and the City" in our future? [Us]

If you're just dying to hear Britney Spears' new single "Womanizer," here: [Radar]

Thank the God in heaven (who we don't really believe in): Elisabeth Hasselbeck is leaving The View (that we don't really watch) for Fox News (which we absolutely don't watch). [PopCrunch]

Is there trouble in Olsen Twin paradise? But not double trouble (har, har). [MollyGood]

Cynthia Nixon is very pleased with Brad Pitt these days. [People]

"It would be a disgrace and a humiliation if Barack Obama does not win," according to Woody Allen. [Yahoo!]

[Image]

God Has Found The Internet And He's Not Afraid To Use It

Ina Maier — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 19:05:00 GMT

First came ~~Moses, then Abraham~~ Abraham, then Moses and, of course, Jesus. But it's a new age people, and God's voice, not unlike the Montauk Monster, has gone viral...

God has finally managed to transcend race, religion, socio-economic class and geography. God has found the internet, and he is sending e-mails.

Seriously. Bred out of presumed boredom, this hare-brained and yet hilarious idea of a site purports to help you spread the good word by sending your friends anonymous e-mails from God. (Though - if they're from God - they're not exactly anonymous, are they?)

You can choose from such enlightened and fully customizable options as:

Ask someone out

Let's have drinks

You're getting fat

Porn-addiction support

Invite

Thank you

Or, the ever illustrious: write your own.

Our personal favorite is the drinks invite; we're thirsty:

God Here.

Couldn't help but notice that today was a bit of a doozy. Anyway, when I
got to talking to________, he / she suggested you both grab some drinks
after work. Look, I usually don't condone such 'sinning', but your
happiness is important to me. Plus, I make the damn rules and _______ is my
boy / girl . She'll / He'll be waiting for you at _________. Peace.

P.S. - Exercise some moderation. Remember, I'm always watching.

The Lord has spoken.

Anyway, we're clearly bored and ready for some booze and thus more than happy to add one more distraction to our day. Scanner has spoken.

[via GoldenThroneOfLight.com]

Sloppy Seconds: Pregnancy Pact Girl Speaks Out, "There Was No Pact"

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 21:01:00 GMT

God was arrested for dealing cocaine outside of a church in Florida. For real. [YBNBY]

Holy Steve Holt! A big-screen version of Arrested Development is being planned for next year. [Times Online]

Women with long nails are really annoyed at the designers of the iPhone, and their misogynist touch pad. [Yahoo! Tech]

Is Kobe Bryant to blame for Shaquille O'Neal's failing marriage? Or is it Shaq's bad rapping? [TMZ]

Is anyone surprised that Amy Winehouse is still smoking even after she's been diagnosed with pre-emphysema? [Us]

Good thing Anne Hathaway got away from her billionaire BF when she did. He's been arrested on charges of fraud, money laundering and conspiracy to commit wire fraud. Wonder what it would cost to bail a billionaire out of jail? [People]

Wow, watch one of the super happy "pregnancy pact" girls with her boyfriend (who looks just like Adrian Brody!) talk to Good Morning America. There was no pact! [MollyGood]

Related:

Kids: This is Why You Shouldn't Smoke (Crack)

Sloppy Seconds: What Happens to Julia Allison's Nipple Does Not Stay in Vegas

File Under The Worst Idea Ever: Teen Pregnancy Pacts

Was Jesus a Child of Rape?

Emily Farris — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:01:00 GMT

A Dutch filmmaker thinks Jesus was a child of rape, and wants to make a movie about it.

"Basic Instinct" director Paul Verhoeven will publish a revisionist biography of Jesus in September, following more than 20 years of research.

The Dutch filmmaker, who has had a lifelong ambition to make a film about Jesus based on scientific research, claims that Jesus' father was probably a Roman soldier who raped Mary during the Jewish uprising in Galilee. He also claims that Christ was not betrayed by Judas Iscariot.

First of all, we will totally pay $10 to see that movie.

Second, if it wasn't a soldier who raped Mary, even if the story happened like the Bible says, didn't God sort-of rape Mary in a way? It's not like she exactly consented. "Yes, God, you can totally bust your load in me and then not pay any child support."

Third, new t-shirt idea: "God is a Rapist." No? Too much? You think? Because if you'll buy it we'll go get the silk screening supplies. Right. Now.

[Reuters: Dutch filmmaker claims Jesus a child of rape]

What Does God Really Think About Sex?

Emily Farris — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:23:00 GMT

"Just as a husband and wife experience deep joy as they lose themselves and merge into oneness at the moment of sexual climax, we experience ultimate joy as we become one with Jesus Christ in a union that leads to incomprehensible joy. Sexual intercourse mirrors our relationship to God and causes us to worship him for giving us this good gift."

Don't get your panties all in an uproar just yet. The same woman said a long Sunday morning in church is the best place to practice Kegel exercises.

Her name is Linda Dillow and she's known as the Christian Dr. Ruth, teaching (yes) married couples how to have holy, hot sex lives.

Dillow knows what much of the world thinks of Christians: they're prudes, they're frigid, they fear and discourage sexual pleasure, especially in women. And she admits that Christians have only themselves to blame for this perception. "Augustine, who wrote a lot of wonderful things, had a very warped view about sex," she said. "Even Martin Luther, who was married, said, 'Intercourse is never without sin, but God excuses it by his grace.' Women today don't know these statements, but I think the whole attitude has filtered down to them." But what was historically true is no longer universal.

...Dillow and her friend Lorraine Pintus founded Intimate Issues, a pro-sex ministry that hosts conferences for women and couples seeking a richer love life. They have also written two books that promote the joys of marital sex, "Intimate Issues" and "Intimacy Ignited" -- two entries in a flourishing genre that includes titles such as "Sacred Sex," "The Glorious Pursuit," "Sheet Music" and "His Needs, Her Needs." "Some women," write Dillow and Pintus, "have spent so many years 'damming up' their sexual passions in an attempt to remain pure that they find it difficult to suddenly open the floodgates and allow sexual feelings to flow." The Christian sex advice movement is dedicated to unleashing that flood...
"God doesn't in the scriptures say, All right, these acts are acceptable," Dillow told me. Her approach is to examine "the whole intent of all scripture. The message Christ brought is, You are not under the law; you are under grace, and that we are given a lot of freedom to decide what is beneficial for us, what is loving between this husband and this wife."

There you have it: sex is awesome (even oral sex and masturbation are almost okay). When you're married.

[Salon: Holy Sex!]

Video of the Day: Gay Pink Stick Figures

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:30:00 GMT

The unintentional comedy of this anti-gay video about two pink stink figures-- one gay, the other merely shy about receiving an anal pounding-- discussing the word of God (as it was created by ancient syphilis victims-- our theory on the Bible) and resisting their ~~God-given urges~~ interest in sinning for the hell of it. We still don't understand what these anti-gay Christians think gays become gays for-- the gay gene?! It seems to mock the very existence of this gene, while also casting the villainous seducer as a man who is convinced others "can learn" to get boners for men.

It will never cease to confound us that homophobes are convinced gayness is a choice. Yes, because the idea of getting lynched or beaten or relegated to the occasional "gay bar" to meet people, and having to keep their true sexual identity secret from most of the world sounds way better than what we're going through...

Thanks to Good As You (note the acronym!) for the link.

Scanner Highs and Lows: All About the Girl Parts

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 21:48:00 GMT

Every once in a while we kid ourselves into thinking there's more to life than boobs.

But every time, we're wrong. Here are this week's Scanner highs and lows.

Highs:

We made an amazing discovery.

We found God... in a strip club.

Sexy cancer survivors.

We were inspired to exercise.

Mmm...politics.

Lows:

We admitted to wearing granny panties.

Scanner Emily learned a very important lesson. Her computer is her most important girl part.

The boobs you see, sadly, do not belong to us. None of them.