Scanner : guns

Will Her Fetus Be Charged As An Accomplice?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 19:40:00 GMT

New studies today reveal that fewer people are having babies, thanks to the horrible economy. Those who can't afford (or are unaware of) birth control methods are finding that other people having children are too frightening to have anything to do with, and so sit at home, isolated from everyone.

If you think we're making that up, check out today's most bizarre news story: it involves a woman, a gun, money, and a fetus as an accessory to robbery...

This is the complete text of an Associated Press wire we just received:

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. – Police are looking for a pregnant woman they say tried to rob a North Carolina bank at gunpoint but left empty-handed after answering her cell phone. Fayetteville police spokeswoman Teresa Chance said Wednesday the woman had a handgun and demanded money when she entered a Carter Bank & Trust branch at 9:43 a.m. Tuesday.

But she got distracted when her cell phone rang. Police said she began talking to the caller and left the bank without taking any money. No one was hurt.

Chance said investigators talked to a teller who heard the woman but aren't releasing details.

Police said the woman is in her late 20s to early 30s. She wore a dark, knee-length skirt and had a multicolored scarf or bandanna on her head. [AP]

What is the moral of the story? Pregnant women are crazy? Women are so crazy about blabbing on the phone they'll interrupt a bank robbery to take a call? Seriously, folks, don't arrange any playdates, knock anyone up, or go into a bank in North Carolina.

And all kidding aside, we have to wonder if the state of North Carolina, where many people believe fetuses are living humans, will charge the fetus/person as an accomplice in the attempted robbery. We wouldn't put it past them. After all, if it "can think for itself," as anti-abortionists believe, why didn't it stop this horrible crime?

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"Girl Next Door" Kendra Wilkinson Knows How to Handle a Piece

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 21:15:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Let it never be said that former Girl Next Door, Kendra Wilkinson, and fiancé Hank Baskett know how to keep the romance alive in their relationship. It seem regular trips to the shooting range really do the trick...

Read more...

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part One)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 20:10:00 GMT

This is Scanner Brian-- and Scanner Brian alone-- with a list that needed to be done. Males have something against admitting they are feminists, perhaps because they mistakenly believe the term applies only to women.

Today, I decided to set out to right that wrong-- much as these women (and one man) did over the course of their very interesting lives. The result is pure history-filled entertainment and not meant to be definitive by any means. For one thing, Gloria Steinem, Virginia Woolf, and Sylvia Plath should be on a list of the great feminists, to be sure, but I found that so much has been written about them already and decided it was best to spare you my half-assed attempts to say something original about them. (By the way, we excluded Susan B. Anthony from this list because of her staunch anti-abortion stance-- these ten, in no particular order, were the ones we personally appreciate the most...)

Karen Silkwood. In her lifetime, nuclear plant whistleblower Karen Silkwood was not known as a feminist, but that doesn't matter to us. She stood up to those (men) who tried to put her in her place, who told her she couldn't have a romantic relationship with another woman. They told her she should keep quiet about being contaminated by plutonium at the plant where she worked, even though incompetent management had caused the exposures. But she didn't listen, even when there were numerous threats on her life. As you may already know, Silkwood was killed in one of the great unsolved murder cases in American history. Of course, everyone knows she was run off the road by agents of Kerr-McGee and/or the US Government-- although she crashed into a guardrail en route to deliver documents to a New York Times reporter, documents that were missing from the wreckage, damage was also found to her rear bumper, suggesting she was actually hit from behind. Nora Ephron scripted and Mike Nichols film of Silkwood, which was nominated for several Academy Awards in 1984.

Louise Brooks. Brooks was a dancer and movie actress who told the studios to stuff it when they wanted to force her to perform in lame "sound pictures." She ignored the "You'll never work in this town again" threats and decided she didn't need those control freak men in Hollywood. Instead, she moved to Germany and starred in the first film to ever feature a lesbian character, Pandora's Box, now regarded as a classic. Her sexually-charged performances in German cinema were all censored or remained unreleased for years. "By her own admission, she was a sexually liberated woman, not afraid to experiment, even posing fully nude for "art" photography, and her liaisons with many film people were legendary, although much of it is speculation."

Crystal Lee Sutton. A sadly overlooked feminist icon if there ever was one, Sutton is known as "the real Norma Rae." In the early 1970s, Sutton worked at a textile plant in South Carolina, making $2.65 folding towels. She soon got union fever and stood up to harassment and sexism to become the spiritual leader of the entire labor movement in this country. Of course, a few years later, Sally Field starred as a character based on Sutton's early work with the ACTWU.

Kate Chopin. Missouri native Chopin wrote the Awakening at the turn of the 20th century, and it couldn't have been better timed-- from the perspective of history. In 1899, it couldn't have been met with more of an out-of-touch backlash. Chopin's novel about a woman's struggle with societal standards, motherhood vs. self, and "the woman as property" norm took America by storm, with the outcry so great that her publisher delete the book before most members of the public were able to purchase it. Nonetheless, its "unwholesome" attitude toward sex was one of the key factors in sparking the century's feminist movement.

Shirley Chisholm. What didn't this feminist superhero accomplish in her life? (We didn't want you to actually answer that, but if you're looking for a torch-bearer, see Bella Abzug, below.) Chisholm, who would be my Congresswoman were she still alive to represent my district, was the first African-American woman of Congress, the first on a major-party ballot for President and the first woman on the Democratic ticket. Chisholm went on to receive more than 150 votes for President at the 1972 DNC. (The best anecdote about her is one unrelated to her feminism. When racist Governor George Wallace was shot and very nearly assassinated during that same Presidential campaign, Chisholm caused a huge uproar for visiting him in the hospital.)

Continue reading in Part Two.

Sloppy Seconds: Rihanna's New Tattoo

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:11:00 GMT

Say it ain't so: celebrities with ghost Twitterers? 50 Cent has one. So does Ron Paul and Barack Obama (we figured as much for Mr. President). [NYT]

But now that we think of it, Courtney Love might benefit from a ghost Twitterer. [Vulture]

Here's a condom commercial that's not even safe for YouTube, apparently. [Lifestyles]

Rihanna got a sort-of awesome gun tattoo in a sort-of awesome place. [People]

We are much less enthused about this pop-art rendering of the infamous Rihanna police photo. [Yahoo!]

Willie Aames, of "Charles in Charge" is around the corner from Scanner HQ selling, well, pretty much everything he owns after his recent home foreclosure.[Plog]

[Image]

If Teenagers Can Have Sex, Why Can't They Have Sex Toys?

Emily Farris — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 14:25:00 GMT

Kids get toy cars before they're old enough to drive, toy phones before they're old enough to get a cell phone account, toy ovens before they're old enough to play with fire and combustible gasses and even toy guns before they're too young to get a hunting license. So why can't teenagers who are old enough to engage in sexual activity get their hands on a few sex toys?

Seems kind-of fucked up when you consider that the legal age for consensual sex is under 18 in most places, but to enter a sex toy shop one needs to be at least that age. (Interesting aside: the legal age of sexual consent in Canada is 16 while the legal age for anal sexual consent is 18.)

Says one columnist in Canada:

"It sends a clear message to young people: Having sex with someone else is acceptable, but exploring your own body by masturbating with anything more than your own two hands is not."

Though the sale of sex toys is a states issue here in the United States, it's pretty much the same situation: it's legal to have sex at 17, it's just not legal to buy sex toys.

We can't begin to know the laws regulating the sale of sex toys to minors (or to now one, ahem, Alabama) in each state. But our friendly neighbors to the north have no laws on the books restricting the sale of sex toys, sold as “adult novelty items,” to anyone under the age of 18, yet stores will only allow those 18 and over to enter.

“I don’t think it’s an intentional double standard… They think they’re following the rules, is my hunch,” says Carlyle Jansen, owner of Good for Her.

Jansen says her understanding of the law restricts the sale of pornographic imagery in any medium to minors. “But sex toys, there don’t seem to be any regulations around who can purchase those and not. For example we allow people to bring their kids into the store or some people will come in and buy their daughter or son their first vibrator.

“I think the double standard comes out of the fact that we sort of ignore youth.”

So maybe that's why they're all turning up with STDs and/or babies in them?

[XTRA: Teens get shaft in struggle for sex toys]

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[Image]

Top 10 Worst Places to Live in the U.S.

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

In these trying economic times, you can at least be thankful you don't live in one of these ten horrendous U.S. metropolitan areas.

Wait, you don't actually live in these places, dear readers, do you?

Strollerderby directed us to this Forbes list of the ten worst places to live in the rapidly-crumbling American continental empire. Aren't you glad you don't live in these cities? Seriously, none of you actually live here, right?

1. Stockton, CA. The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here.
2. Memphis, TN. Crime is what did this in, according to Strollerderby. In our experience, we'd have to agree. On our sole trip to Memphis, we saw lots of street arrests, including of a tourist who had to be tackled and maced repeatedly by a cop who was trying to eat lunch when the tourist attacked our friends.
3. Chicago, IL. Blago, you bastard.
4. Cleveland, Ohio. "Cleveland, city of light, city of magic," sang Randy Newman mockingly almost four decades ago. Things haven't improved since, apparently.
5. Modesto, California earns its place here by being "one of the top three most dangerous metropolitan areas in California." Why it's more dangeorus than other dangerous metropolitan areas in the U.S. is also beyond our understanding.
6. Flint, Michigan. Michael Moore could've told you twenty years ago this auto industry town was doomed.
7. Detroit, Michigan. Ditto Detroit.
8. Buffalo, N.Y. Buffalo is the new badlands. If you don't believe us, try spending two hours in a bar there without arming yourself to the teeth.
9. Miami, Florida. Miami is about to be the first major U.S. city to completely collapse due to the mortgaging crisis. Hey, we didn't say it-- Forbes did.
10. St. Louis, Missouri. Hey Scanner Emily, at least it wasn't Kansas City.

Via Strollerderby.

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Is This Another Murder-Coverup of a Black Man?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:03:00 GMT

Police in Mississippi want you to believe that Billey Joe Johnson, Jr. died of a self-inflicted shotgun wound to the head while in park during a routine traffic stop. Police want you to forget that Billey Joe was black, his girlfriend was white, and that the angry white father keeping them apart was a friend of the police officer on the scene.

They also want you to forget that the official report has one glaring inconsistency in the death of an all-star high school football player weighing several major scholarship opportunities.

But Johnson's family and the NAACP are questioning whether Johnson died from a self-inflicted gunshot. A lawyer for the family has said Johnson's wounds did not appear to be consistent with a shotgun wound.
Willie Gaines, head of the George County chapter of the NAACP, said he, like many others in the community, believes Johnson had too much to live for to take his own life. The morning of his death, he was scheduled to attend an awards banquet. [Denver Post]
A witness heard two shots, not one, at the scene where Billey Joe died, according to an independent investigation launched by the Mississippi NAACP. The pathologist in that investigation has indicated that it would be impossible for a bullet from a self-inflicted shot to enter in the manner that it did. He also said that given the length of Billey Joe's arms and the length of the shotgun, it would have been impossible for him to hold the weapon and fire it at himself. [dead link, via Color of Change e-mail]

Even with this evidence, will the truth ever come out? Did the cop shoot Johnson? Did the father of his girlfriend, who had been ordered not to see the boy? All we know is that on the night in question, Johnson tapped on the girl's window, where her mother was waiting or hiding or happened to be passing by in the inside hallway. The mother called the police and Johnson took off. Color of Change notes: "This fact was not a part of the original story given by the police."

Later, he was stopped for what the police say was a pair of traffic violations: running a red light and blowing a stop sign. The cop claims he was taking Johnson's driver's license back to the car when he heard a shot and the sound of glass shattering. He turned and saw Johnson's last moments...

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Redneck Weddings: Why Don't We Ban This Kind of Marriage?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:20:00 GMT

The most memorable wedding we ever attended took place in the fall of 2001 in Southern Louisiana.

It was twenty minutes before the ceremony and the groom and I were just hitting our drinking groove at a bar in the Garden District of New Orleans. They knew us well enough to know what would come if they continued serving us such stiff drinks, so one of the bartenders demanded we leave-- after all, she was in her bridesmaid's dress and was missing half a shift to attend the festivities, so we were wasting her time.

The groom departed and I was soon left in the otherwise empty bar with my ride, a local homicide detective we'll call W. W. was falling off the stool and dropping his car keys, but I knew he was in total control. "We better hit the road," he mumbled, "The wedding is in fifteen minutes and it's twenty minutes away..."

W. and I got in his unmarked police cruiser and hit the streets, doing at least 85 miles per hour through the red lights-- it was all right, the traffic was moving too slow to hit us and do any damage anyway. At least, that's what I remember thinking.

At some point, W. made the horrendous mistake of trying to maneuver through the French Quarter, which, as usual, was swarming with jaywalking tourists. W. stared at them, never moving a muscle, not even to blink. W. had not said a word since we'd left the drinking hole ten minutes earlier. His concentration was both astonishing and frightening.

At last, he lunged across the driver's seat and yanked open the glove box. I noticed his police-issued handgun resting atop the car's registration. His hand disappeared inside and, out of nowhere, the entire street was filled with a horrible shriek-- like that sound one of the annoying characters in "Dumb and Dumber" makes to signify the most obnoxious sound in the world-- only at least 50 times louder. Seriously, every single person-- we're talking at least one hundred people-- in the vicinity stopped in their tracks and stared. Then, seeing W. glaring back at them, they quickly began to dive out of our way. See, there are perks to riding with the police.

Five minutes later, we were at the VFW hall and threw open the doors in a huff, having made it exactly on time. Unfortunately, we were greeted by a worship session attended by several dozen African-Americans, who were not at all happy to see us barreling in. Whoops-- there must be two VFW halls in the area.

Notice the initials on this one... and the shotgun shells?!

Anyway, by the time we made it to the correct location, the wedding had taken place, most of the guests had left, the booze had run out-- there wasn't any to begin with-- it was banned by the VFW hall-- and, best of all, the bride and groom were having a terrible fight. The bride, who was freshly pregnant, staggered over to us and, with barf breath, gravely intoned:

"Don't ever get married."

P.S. We were kidding with that headline, by the way.

Via Cake Wrecks and many other sources.

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Woman Nearly Forced Into Marriage Escapes To Britain

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 00:01:00 GMT

Not all forced marriages (i.e. parent-endorsed sexual slavery) end in miserable lifetimes for brides and/or grooms.

Sometimes, with the help of less ass-backwards friends and judges, bachelor(ettes) actually escape...

Today's story comes to us from Bangladesh, by way of the United Kingdom, the two homes of Humayra Abedin, a Bangladeshi-born doctor who recently graduated from Leeds University. Before she was able to obtain a position in her chosen field, she received news from back home that her mother was gravely ill. Once there, she either realized it was a trap to force her into marrying a local or, somehow and at some point, the family decided to hold her there against her will.

Luckily, Abedin was able to send word to a friend in England that her parents were holding her against her will and asking for help escaping the situation. As more and more people are refusing arranged marriages, the UK has reported a tremendous spikes in these kinds of distress calls. The interesting part is that, for the first time, the courts are siding with the victims.

But campaigners and the government say forced marriage remains significantly under-reported and the problem is more widespread than the figures suggest.
In the most serious cases kidnapping and sexual, physical and mental abuse are involved. In some instances victims have even been murdered. [BBC]

At least in this case, thanks to pressure from the British judicial system, the court in Bangladesh allowed Ms. Abedin to return to London, even scolding the parents and warning them that if they further meddled in their daughter's love life, they would be met with severe punishment. Yay!

Via various wire sources.

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Man Shoots Wife During Sex (with a Gun)

Scanner Matt — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:42:00 GMT

This is disgusting, but we can't say we all haven't been there before. You're making love to your partner and reach over to get something from the nightstand, then accidentally pull the trigger on the .38 caliber pistol you happen to have on your nightstand, which happens to wound your partner in the chest.

WDTN of Ohio reports complete asshole Timothy Havens claims he accidentally shot his wife, Carolyn Havens (currently in critical condition), while they were doing it.

Well, the incident is obviously under investigation as Mr. Havens has a record, which includes assaulting his wife, 60 days in jail and even some anger management counseling.

A Few Things (besides this guy being an absolute psycho):

What was this guy reaching for during sex? And how did he mistake the trigger of a gun for what he was reaching for? Unless he and his wife were acting out the Lorraine Bracco/Ray Liotta scene from "Goodfellas" and didn't know the gun was loaded. Also, who does he think will actually believe his story?

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Sex Crimes Prosecutor Charged With Twelve, Count 'Em, Twelve Sex Crimes

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:37:00 GMT

From the Hypocrite Files: Martinez, California prosecutor Michael Gressett with twelve sex offenses, ranging from forced oral copulation to rape, stemming from an incident that took place back in May.

But Gressett says the woman is making up the story in a vengeful attempt to ruin his career.

The counts are as follows:

(3) forced sexual penetration

(4) sodomy by force

(2) forcible rape

(1) false imprisonment

(1) forced oral copulation

(1) some undetermined threatening charge

The victim is basically accusing him of the male version of the Sharon Stone character from Basic Instinct, claiming he used an icepick (and handgun, just for the hell of it) to keep her from struggling. But she was already tied up, so why did he need both a handgun and an icepick?

Something stinks about this whole case, and it's not just the fact that she waited five months before going to the police, which often happens in cases of acquaintance rape. It's just too simple-- a sex crimes prosecutor commits as many sex crimes as are humanly possible in one afternoon and not only ties the woman up, but uses a gun and a sharp object to keep her from fighting back. Then he just lets her leave his house and no one hears about it for five months.

In other words, we wouldn't be surprised if the charges are true, but in this case, we wouldn't be surprised if this woman's story starts to come up apart immediately...

Via Mercury News.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Shots were fired at the motorcades of the Presidents of Georgia and Poland, although no one was hit.

A drag queen hosted a Miss Texas pageant, to the obvious horror of parents.

A boy in Florida was arrested for something heinous. No, we mean the reason he was arrested was heinous. Oh, never mind, you'll see:

Maybe the 13-year-old student at Martin County's Spectrum Junior/Senior High thought he was being funny by repeatedly and purposely passing gas during computer class.
His teacher, D.C. Carden, didn't bust a gut over the boy's breaking wind - not to mention his continuous turning off classroom computers - so he gave the boy a referral and sent him packing to the school resource officer for a little talk. "He subsequently informed me it was factual, and I informed him as a result of his behavior he was being charged with Disruption of a School Function,"

The boy was arrested for farting. He was released to his mom. No word on what he did in the car on the way home. [Blogs.Tampabay.com]

A teacher denied an inappropriate relationship with a young girl... until the girl was found in his closet. Whoops.

Hate crime is on the rise in Utah, down everywhere else.

A town near Barcelona is using solar panels atop gravestones to power itself.

They finally caught the Butt Bandit we warned you about.

11 Things He Wants From You, according to a male writer at MSN.

Boris Becker was dumped by text message. The woman in question was his fiancee.

And Madonna wants Britney Spears to move into her place... as some sort of ploy to get her back into Kabbalah... or something.

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Blow People Away in Your PJ's

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 19:10:00 GMT

Do you hate having to put on a robe to cross the room and get your shotgun? Well, with The Back-Up bedside gun rack, you'll never have to waste those precious seconds fumbling for your shottie because it will be right where it belongs--next to your bed, easily concealed by blankets and bedding.

Don't believe us? Watch the commercial for what appears to be a totally real and completely insane celebration of the Second Amendment.

[via The Morning News]

Get Your Muslim On

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 18:13:00 GMT

The new animated version of David Rees' genius cartoon Get Your War On has had us cracking up since its premiere in late July.

Now comes its finest moment so far: Accounts Payable's reaction to the election of Barack Hussein Obama as President of the United States...

That's some good shit, right there. Although we've loaded our .22, just to be on the safe side.

Seriously, there are crazy racist fools out there that really believe this stuff. Strangely enough, they are all apparently hiding out in Austria:

Veteran Austrian television personality Klaus Emmerich has triggered a storm of criticism for his racist comments about Barack Obama, the US president-elect. [...]

...the respected US expert has stained his own report card with a string of blatantly racist remarks regarding the election of Barack Obama in the US. Speaking on a talk show on the Austrian public channel ORF on Wednesday, he said: "I wouldn't want the Western world to be directed by a black man. When you say that is a racist remark: right, without a doubt."

Americans are "racists, now as before, and it must be going very badly for them that they so convincingly ... send a black man, and a black, very good-looking woman, into the White House," he said. [Queer Conservative]

Via 23/6.

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Woman Kills Rapist With Shotgun Blast Through Her Front Door

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:53:00 GMT

Now, you must be asking yourselves, how did she know he was a rapist if she blasted him as he's merely coming through the front door? Couldn't he have been a burglar or Robert Downey, Jr., searching for her daughter's bed?

Turns out the woman, a 57-year-old resident of St. Louis, Missouri, knew it was the same man who had raped her just a few short days earlier. The man, who was killed with a single shotgun blast, was 47-year-old Ronnie W. Preyer, a convicted sex offender, and identified at the scene by his victim has having, indeed, been the right man. Turns out, it was a simple repetition of tactics that gave him away: Preyer had broken her window to get her to come out of the house the night he raped her; when, after 2:00am on the night he was killed, he broke the very same window, the woman knew it had to be the same guy coming back for more.

She grabbed her shotgun and waited in the doorway. And it was Preyer's own fault he was killed-- if he hadn't turned off the electricity, the prey would have been able to call 9-1-1 and perhaps scare him off by loudly informing him the police were on the way. Instead, Preyer crashed through the locked front door and the victim had no choice but to blow him away.

Of course, the victim will not be charged, while the dead man's grave is being spit on (figuratively, of course) in the St. Louis Post-Dispatches' comment section following the story.

Good for her. He got what he deserved.
Why would he even go back for her again? What an idiot. Oh well, that's besides the point.GOOD FOR HER! Preyer deserved to be shot and should be thankful she didn't shoot him right in his(you know what). His last name even being,"Preyer" is a coincidence to me considering he preyed on this poor lady.
I'm glad it took several hours for him to die. He needed to suffer after what he did to that women. And who says we need gun control?

It's hard to argue with that. To think she may have been raped a second time is too much to even think about...

Via the Dispatch.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Naked Mannequin Orgy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 14:31:00 GMT

You'll be relieved to learn that this post has nothing to do with the you-know-what that's happening today...

This is the creepiest and coolest Halloween prank we've seen this year

A woman is charged with murder after stabbing her boyfriend with a pair of scissors after the argued over a slice of pizza.

It's scary and insane enough that this guy murdered his girlfriend. But then to cut off his own dick and leave it with her body? Wow. We have nothing to say about that.

A man is selling his wife through an in a classified section intended for vehicle sales, complete with the usual punny ad. The news here? Even though she's 25, he has had to drastically reduce the asking price.

A supposed burglar was found in a store's window display bed getting it on... with a bunch of mannequins.

A naked, masked man holding a gun and waving the American flag on an overpass caused a California freeway to be shut down for hours during yesterday morning's rush hour. And how come we're hearing about this the next day?!

And Traci Lords doesn't appear naked in Kevin Smith's new Porno movie because she was lactating. Yeah, we figured Smith would take a pass on that...

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World's Greatest Mom Defends Daughter's Honor... Shotgun Style

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 16:29:00 GMT

How is today's Mom of the Year candidate trying to steal the spotlight for our previous contender (last week's nominee was a woman who texted her daughter's thirteen-year-old ex-boyfriend more than 12,000 times and threatened to blackmail him)? We'll give you a hint-- it involves firing her shotgun in a way that would make Sarah Palin proud: out of her soccer mom minivan's window...

Let's look at this woman's crimes...

1) Driving with her three teenage children in the car, Anthonia Montairo Catoire-Miller, 33, passed her daughter's ex-boyfriend, who was standing nearby, loudly laughing about he'd dumped the stupid, stupid girl. (Okay, we made that up. Seriously, he wasn't doing a damn thing to antagonize her except exisiting.)

2) Catoire-Miller turned around and did a Boyz In The Hood-style driveby with her .410 shotgun out the driver's side window, firing one blast at the boy. Luckily, she can't hit shit from fifteen feet and no one was injured.

3) Mom casually drove to a nearby house and left the car there, although it wasn't her place. She and her children walked to her house, where police arrested her...

4) ...but not without a widely-reported struggle. It ended when Catorie-Miller kicked out at least one police car window (some sources say it was two windows) before being tasered. Damn-- what do you think this woman's defense will be? Too much corn syrup? She's done for a long, long time for this one...

Via WWL.

Note: Above photo is a representation of some other woman, not the woman featured in this story.

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Sarah Palin Was not the First Chick to Fire an Automatic Weapon in a Bikini

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 18:32:00 GMT

Right, right, we know those photos are fake, but, come on, the real Sarah Palin bikini and rifle pics gotta be out there somewhere, and chances are, the lovely ladies in the video below were firing off rounds well before Palin stripped down, locked and loaded.

In honor of the GOP VP nominee, we give you, Chicks With Guns.

While You Were Sleeping: Human Evolution Ended

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 14:29:00 GMT

You won't see a better headline all day: "ZZ Top regrets snake tour." And yes, it's worth reading beyond the title for the story of those snakes.

Eric Clapton is selling 13 shotguns. The news here? Eric Clapton is a scary, scary mofo.

Even when she finally got it together to get her own driver, Britney Spears still can't escape trouble on the road...

Accident-prone Britney Spears was reportedly involved in another car crash after she was pursued by the waiting paparazzi in California.
The star - who is due to stand trial after she was caught driving without a license last year - was being chauffeured through West Hollywood when a photographer's car collided with her vehicle, reports celebrity website TMZ.com. [Starpulse]

A Brooklyn, NY arts space has introduced the floating brothel. Unfortunately, it's only for actors.

We're not making up this summary: a South Australian man is believed to have impregnated 30 lesbians. Now, the local community is worried about accidental incest....

And one scientist claims that because old men aren't having as much sex with young lasses anymore, human beings are no longer evolving. We failed science, so trust us, it makes a lot more sense when you just read the article.

A British couple proves recycling is super awesome. Or that airline tickets are super cheap if it involves travel to third world countries, such as the United States. (Again, just read it, you'll see what we mean.)

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Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:30:00 GMT

I always pull together my Halloween costume at the last minute. No matter how much thought I put into it the entire month of October, the perfect costume never comes to me until I'm on my way out the door to celebrate with slutty cats and French maids.

Last year was no exception. I arrived home at 8 with the vague idea of dressing up as VMA Britney, but needed to leave by 8:30 and didn't have time to buy a wig and my silver bikini was no where to be found.

I thought about what I could utilize (my red hair) and took an inventory of the clothes I hadn't yet packed for my move (very few). What I came up with was a pretty - dam - good - if - I - do - say - so - myself Pippi Longstocking.

(Okay, so by this point I was more of a sloshed Pipi. Anyway...)

I can't take credit for this industrious Halloweening of mine. I owe it to my father. My parents divorced when I was three, and my mother never celebrated Halloween because her crazy religion didn't allow it. Dad arrived one year realizing we didn't have costumes and not wanting to endure the picked through pink plastic princesses and black wigs of K-Mart. He did, however, have a few sheets in his car—a pale blue sheet and a Budweiser sheet (maybe he'd just done laundry or he knew we weren't going to be dressed up?). A few holes and a piece or two of string later, my sister Jo and I were instantly transformed into ghosts. I don't remember which one of us actually ended up as the Budweiser ghost; I know neither of us wanted to be, and we fought about it. I also know my dad felt bad, but what I wouldn't give to be the Budweiser ghost now...

With no Budweiser sheets to be found this year, I must resort to pulling together another Halloween costume. I don't know why I do this to myself: think about what I'll dress up as so early in the month when I know I'll end up changing my mind or pulling together the perfect costume the hour before I head out. Maybe I do it because it's just really fun to think about what I can be for one night.

I probably put too much thought into it. Most women want to look sexy or slutty—and why not? It's fun, and it's not often I get to wear fishnet stockings and red lipstick these days. For me, though, it's more about having a good costume, and if I happen to look sexy while I wear it, that's more than okay.

On the un-sexy side, the idea of getting a bunch of women together and dressing up as polygamist wives has certainly crossed my mind, but I'll be in my hometown of Indepdence, MO for Halloween this year, and for those of you who don't know, Indepdendence has the second largest Mormon population in the country (next to Salt Lake City).

I could certainly dress up as Sarah Palin, but my American flag bikini has gone the way of my silver bikini (it never actually existed in my life) plus, I don't want to get beat up by a Republican.

Perhaps it's time for Vote Girl (my 2004 alter ego and Halloween Costume) to make a re-appearance.

She was pretty kick-ass. I was at Kent State in Ohio doing GOTV and I got busted by campus security. "We've had reports of a scantily-clad crazy lady in the commons..."

Are you already thinking about your Halloween costumes? If so, what are you thinking?

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Mike Myers Is An Inglorious Bastard

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Is there any reason to shoot yourself in the arm? For one man, not getting laid is reason enough.

If you happen to spot a tour bus belonging to The Kills, please contact the Feds.

And the verdict on the Apple iTunes store's fate...

Bowing to mounting pressure from the multimedia giant, the Washington, D.C.-based Copyright Royalty Board declined a request from the aforementioned NMPA to increase song royalties from 9 cents to 15 cents on songs purchased through iTunes and other digital retailers, according to CNN.com.
The decision was the board's first on digital downloads and will set royalty rates for the next five years.

A spokesperson for Apple had hinted that the company thought the six-cent hike would mean the store would operate at a loss and that Apple would close it down if that occurred. How much of this was talk, we'll never know...

Apparently, CHANGE stands for Come Help A Nigga Get Elected... according to one racist assmunch of a teacher in Florida. (His words, not ours.)

Drunk driving isn't funny. Except when it's a local newscaster intentionally playing Demolition Derby with parked Acura sedans and refusing a police order to get out of the car with your open bottle of vodka.

In related WTF news, a woman was kicked out of a Mothers Against Drunk Driving booth... because the injuries she received thanks to a drunk driver were too disturbing.

Looks like Mike Myers and Brad Pitt are the stars of Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Bastards. This'll either be genius or terrible, as there's no way it can be in between.

Speaking of Brad Pitt, his wife Angelina Jolie appeared in public for the first time since giving birth to the celebrity baby seen above. Apparently, she's suffering from post-partum depression, but was "all smiles" at a film premiere in New York last night.

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We Believe the Children Are Our Future and We Wish They Didn't Have Machine Guns

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 20:40:00 GMT

This is Mackenzie. She's 11 and really good at taking an AR-15 machine gun apart and then putting it back together again. We're not quite sure why or how she got good at stripping and reassembling machine guns. We want to be all, "You go girl! Guns aren't just for dudes!" but it's hard to get all girl power over automatic weapons.

Regardless of how you feel about really big guns and 11-year-old girls, the video's pretty much a freak show. But, thanks to Mackenzie's abilities, it's over pretty quickly.

[via YesButNoButYes]

Today In WTF: 22-Year-Old Guy Robs A House... His Mom's House

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 19:31:00 GMT

Sometimes news stories make you beg for more. Sometimes they make you beg to figure out why the reporter didn't ask some majorly important, obvious questions.

In this case, our first one would be: how the hell does a kid rob his own house? Why didn't he just wait for everyone to definitely leave the house, open the front door so it looks like somebody came in, then takes everything out the back, load up a car, and drive it to the pawnshop?

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Here's the story, in order:

1) A 22-year-old and his 15-year-old friend (wha?) break into a house on Tuesday.

2) The 22-year-old's mom comes out, since it turns out to be her house, and says, "Like, what the hell are you doing, boy?"

3) The boys flee, but not before firing shots in the air to warn the multiple family members now entering the front of the house to see what's going on.

4) The family called the police, who dispatched a dog, which captured and bit the 15-year-old. The 22-year-old gave himself up without a fight some time later.

5) This was only the coda to their long rampage: the gunslingers are being questioned about a string of earlier robberies that took place earlier on Tuesday.

Much of this info was gleaned from the very thin Seattle Times story.

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Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:19:00 GMT

The Rolling Stones song "Satisfaction" technically saved one Englishman's life.

Jossip has a photo from the Ellen wedding.

Heidi Montag's new song "Overdosin'" was met by a steady stream of sales yesterday. Not really, it was made fun of mercilessly online:

Whoever wrote that song was overdosing on something.

overdosin' on stupidness

i agree this song and all of her other songs make me want to overdose too!! [Defamer]

Hayden Panettiere instructed her mom not to sell the star's panties online.

An 85-year-old woman apprehended a 17 year burglar, then made him call 911... at gunpoint.

Christina Applegate no longer has cancer, although Patrick Swayze, who still smokes, continues to battle it.

And the same idiot who sued nightclubs for discriminating against men with Ladies' Nights apparently didn't make enough money ripping off small businesses: he's now suing Columbia for teaching a history syllabus that blames men for the world's "ills."

UPDATE: Link fixed.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Nightmare on Elm Street Remake

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 13:43:00 GMT

In a small area of North Texas, it is now legal for teachers to carry handguns on school property. Of course, students are still not allowed to defend themselves from caning, punching, or shooting that may come their way. Ah, justice...

Speaking of Texas, a man who allegedly got naked and groped a four-year-old boy was almost immediately arrested and tasered by police. Now that's justice...

Wouldn't it be awesome if this guy played Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street remake? We mean-- wouldn't it be awesome if they didn't make it at all... but if they have to, wouldn't Billy Bob Thornton be a twisted, bizarre, possibly brilliant choice?

Lauren Conrad's clothing line has been dropped by Kitson.

Jerry Lewis claims the gun he was busted with at the airport was a telethon gift.

Oprah will be there for Obama at the convention.

And Eva Longoria still keeps in touch with her old Wendy's.

Thanks, Susan!

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Shoots Boyfriend Over $150

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 21:09:00 GMT

A top Superior Court official in Cobb County, Georgia resigned after the following allegations were made public:

Sex in a judge's chambers, trysts at local hotels during business hours, obscene phone calls to female workers and a desire to see lesbian sex are among the many accounts of what was going on... for the past two decades.

A new study indicates the pill may lead women to make incorrect mating decisions. Hmm... no comment.

And Paris Hilton is being sued for

declining self-promotion for the first time in her life, TMZ reports that she's being sued for it:
Her 2006 "comedy" "National Lampoon's Pledge This!" was apparently so bad, even Paris wouldn't shill for it. Worldwide Entertainment Group says she got paid a mil — a mil, folks — to act in the movie and then push it on TV and radio. They say she didn't do the latter and so they're going after her in Federal court.

A stripper and another possible shooter wounded the stripper's (ex-)boyfriend over a whopping $150 debt.

Ha, ha: A judge in California allowed the state's colleges to deny entry to Christian students who learned about the Bible instead of evolution.

Obama supporter or just crazy idiot? An overzealous supporter sent Cindy McCain to the hospital today with a "crushing" handshake.

Wait, aren't Pam and Tommy Lee still together? Guess not.

And George W. Bush is sending US troops and sexy socialite Condi Rice to rescue Georgia from a ~~Soviet~~ Russian invasion.

EXCLUSIVE: Toby Keith Worships Satan, Ted Nugent, And Lynch Mobs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:57:00 GMT

Toby Keith, America's highest-rated terrorist, is sending the liberal blogs into a tither after his appearance on the Colbert Report last night.

And it isn't even for anything he said-- actually, it's for a song he's been singing for years and which was a smash hit single after 9/11, containing lyrics that most thinking people would find insane and dangerous had they not been avoiding country music radio since 1976...

Why Stephen Colbert, who out of character is a practicing liberal and would never be caught dead allowing a person like Toby Keith to get away with ruining what little is left of this country's well-being, should allow this guy to sing this song, "Beer For My Horses" (God, what a cheesy ass song, not even including its cultural ignorance) and not goof on him mercilessly is beyond us:

Grandpappy told my pappy back in my day, son
A man had to answer for the wicked that he'd done
Take all the rope in Texas
Find a tall oak tree, round up all of them bad boys
Hang them high in the street
For all the people to see

Yo, that's about lynching, okay? Not cool, Colbert! Why didn't you attack him on that? As Max Blumenthal pointed out at the HuffPo:

During the days when Toby Keith's "Grandpappy" stalked the Jim Crow South, lynching was an institutional method of terror employed against blacks to maintain white supremacy. According to the Tuskegee Institute, between the years 1882 and 1951, 3,437 African-Americans were lynched in the United States, mostly in the heart of Dixie. Felonious assault and rape (read: corrupting "the flower of white womanhood") were the two most frequent justifications for lynch mob actions.
Georgia was ground zero for lynch mob activity. Though most of the Peach State's victims were black, one of its most high-profile hangings claimed the life of a Jew, Leo Frank. Frank, a college-educated Northerner, was wrongly convicted in 1913 of murdering a 13-year-old girl after a show trial in which his prosecutor portrayed him to a grand jury as a bisexual pervert. Before the trial, one juror remarked, "If I get on that jury, I'll hang that Jew for sure."

You can imagine what happened to Frank and others like him, in Keith's glorious, Hitler-esque vision of the South. By the way, if Toby Keith loves lynching, then we can also correctly assume he worships Satan, who is a big fan of eye-for-an-eye anarchic lawlessness, and Ted Nugent, who is a racist pigporker and will kill us all with his 2,227 guns.

PS. Besides being a world-class shitbag, Toby Keith is also a talentless wanker we'd easily take in a fight, with a Guantanamo hood over our heads... bring it on, indeed.

Via the Huffington Post.

While You Were Sleeping: The Death of Scrabulous

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 12:50:00 GMT

The Republican Senator Ted Stevens (of Alaskan fame) was indicted on seven counts of making false statements yesterday. Even though these seem kind of trivial in the scheme of things, Stevens already had an uphill battle for re-election, so this is all but a death sentence.

Jerry Lewis was tackled by airport security after they found a gun in his luggage. For Christ's sake, guys and dolls, he's 82 years old! Tackling is not necessary-- hell, you could probably have tiptoed over to apprehend him and he wouldn't have been able to get away.

Alicia Keys and Jack White will perform the theme song to "The Quantum of Solace," making it the first ever Bond duet. (Good luck rhyming that shit.) Since Jack is reportedly playing guitar and drums on the track, that would mean Meg White is continuing to seclude herself from the world, a great loss for sure.

The cop show that made Michael Douglas famous is set for a TV return, with two lead characters, one representing Obama, the other representing McCain. It's actually a really interesting concept.

Woody Harrelson on Kate Hudson. Ouch.

Julia Allison's Twitter last night: "Heading home, absolutely exhausted after tonight. It's not every evening your ex does a presentation on you ... And the NYT covers it." Stop her now.

The media really has nothing to talk about, so they'll keep talking about "Juno" until the last person who remembers what it was about is dead.

Hasbro is pretending to be offering a new version of Scrabble for the internet after removing Scrabulous from Facebook by force. We say: fuck you, boycott!

Sloppy Seconds: Ron Wood's Mistress In The Buff

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:39:00 GMT

Mrs. Corey Feldman's Playboy shoot and more, after the jump...

If you have a belly button finish, you'll probably be pissed to learn you missed Japan's navel-gazing fest.

Your worst nightmare: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are leaving Hollywood... and may be moving to Your Neighborhood.

Don't worry if you missed the orgy, it didn't turn out to be that great a time.

That nutjob who shot two people during a church performance of "Annie?" His motive wasn't he didn't like liberals. We hope Rush Limbaugh gets sued for wrongful death or ends up going crazy like Jeff Bridges in The Fisher King. Bastards.

Ron Wood, guitar player and real genius behind the current Rolling Stones lineup, almost left his wife of twenty-three-years but luckily got his act together and checked into rehab. The reason he lost his way:

A Democratic legislator from New Jersey has resigned after child porn was found on his computer. His office computer.

An Obama supporter "accidentally" made buttons with the Senator and another famous member of the Chamber: Larry Craig.

Brad Pitt declared war on the stalkers who take photographs of him.

And Susie Feldman, Corey's wife, has done a large Playboy spread that already has the internet hyperventilating. At least in porn land...

The rest of the shoot can be found here.

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Sloppy Seconds: Brad and Angelina and the French Brawl

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 21:41:00 GMT

Why is today the day that everyone is quitting on the B-list celebs? First, Kathy Griffin's assistant bailed on her, say she couldn't take it anymore. Now, Heather Mills' short-term and severely-suffering publicist has resigned after Mills called her "stupid."

Um, rejoice? Sean Combs is not getting married after all.

Nobody cares about the X-Files sequel?

Somebody named Daniel tried to sell two tickets to the Oscars on Craigslist, but Craig ratted him out. Craig... Daniel... Craig... Daniel... we wonder who the guilty party is?

A couple of "photographers" i.e. Peeping Toms with cameras and no sense of shame or privacy laws were beaten up by Brad and Angelina's bodyguards after being caught in full camouflage on the couple's French estate.

Robert Rodriguez and Rose McGowan are still together-- in fact, they may be bringing Red Sonja to movie theaters soon...

And best not to ask if a passenger in another car has any Grey Poupon: that person may be armed.