Scanner : helen mirren

10 Sexiest Women Over 50 (Part Two)

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 20:56:00 GMT

We continue our two-part series with some of the screen's top stars... some of whom are still box office draws, despite what the media wants you to believe...

Helen Mirren, 63

Helen Mirren never has to worry about studly husband/director leaving her for one of his younger leading ladies, since none of them can hold a candle to her talent, classiness, sex appeal, and status as an Academy Award-winning screen legend. The above photograph of the star in her bikini last year lit up internet wires across the globe-- for example, our traffic went through the roof the day we posted it. Thank you, Helen Mirren, for being our muse.

Carly Simon, 63

It's been a long time since James Taylor spotted Carly Simon's "incredible long legs" passing by on a summer day in a small Massachusetts town. Since then, she wrote a song about him, "You're So Vain," (or was it Warren Beatty?), won several Grammy's, topped the charts a million times over, and developed a solo career that has long outpaced her (now ex-)husband's. Simon and her gloriously pretty teeth and, we're guessing, still-dynamo gams continue to record and tour... but not often enough.

Susan Sarandon, 62

Tim Robbins whined about not being able to vote as his regular polling site last November, which must've made him feel really ridiculous when he woke up the next morning and realized, "Holy balls! Forget all my troubles-- I'm still sleeping next to the babe from Bull Durham any Playboy's best boobs 1981!" Speaking of those marvelous mams, it's difficult to pull off a dress like that at any age, let alone hers, without causing a media (i.e. tabloid journalism) firestorm, but here she is in all her glory...

Meryl Streep, 59

If anyone out there worries about how their "looks" will hold up at the age of 59, just take a gander at the Before and After photos of Streep depicted above. She is one of the greatest actors of all time, rivaling Olivier and Hepburn, and draws hundreds of millions in box office every year as one of the biggest names on the planet. But more importantly, at least for our purposes here, Streep is somehow more beautiful than even in 1977, when we first saw her in Julia. Can a nude, comic romp in a "getting old and falling in love" movie with Jack Nicholson be far behind?

Pam Grier, 59

Can you believe there's an African-American actress in her fifties who made a major comeback more than ten years ago and is still a major star, albeit on television, as she approaches her 60th birthday? Well, you wouldn't know it from the media. The announcement that she was joining the cast of the Showtime series the L Word was met with little tongue-wagging. Of course, that all changed the moment we saw how drop-dead gorgeous she remains-- not to mention the collective sigh of relief when it turned out the show's writers weren't going to blaxploitate her into irrelevancy. We eagerly await her next career move now that the show is sadly off the air.

Crush of the Week: Lisa Batiashvili

Cindy Crawford: Still Naked At 43

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part One)

Top 10 Feminist Icons... From A Male (Part Two)

Top 10 TV Nipple Slips and Wardrobe Malfunctions

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 18:59:00 GMT

You know, because Janet Jackson wasn't the first one to lose her outfit live on national television...

It's difficult to imagine, we know, but even game shows in the 60s and 70s were famous for nipple slips. Luckily, YouTube, Google Video and other online sources have managed to salvage some of the most memorable moments. They're all pretty much two seconds long, but this will make you a better future Trivial Pursuit contestant... since you know that's all that we're going to talk about in 20 years, the way our Idiocracy is going.

Here are ten in no particular order...

Ron Jeremy's High School Play Video Leaked!

Tara Reid Wishes She Was Actually Listening To What The Little People Were Yelling About

Jennifer Hawkins (the 2004 Miss Universe) Returns to Australia to Moon Her Hometown

The Match Game (okay, this is more of a "nipple slip" of the tongue, but hey... break it up a bit, ya know)

Eva Mendes Was Really Asking For It This Time

N Is For Nipples - TV Show Host Flashes Kids

Haven't Seen This Janet Jackson Nip Slip Before... Is It New?

They Let the Wrestlers Beat Up the Refs, But An Ass And Nipple Slip Is An Ejection?!

As Bob Barker Says, "She came on down and they came on out!" [sfw]

And finally, Meredith Viera pulls a Justin Timberlake on Helen Mirren:

Related:

Top 5 "The Price Is Right" Clips

Beyonce Stuns Lone Oscar Viewer With Nipple Slip

Nipplegate II: The Russian Skater Shocker

Mischa Barton Can't Keep Her Clothes On

Caption This: Agyness Deyn And Her Friend's See-Through

Dame Helen Mirren Will Always Be Hot

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 14:41:00 GMT

That is all.

Dame Helen Mirren As A Teen: Loved Coke, Date Rape Not So Much

Who's Hot For Prostitutes? Dame Helen Mirren

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Dame Helen Mirren As A Teen: Loved Coke, Date Rape Not So Much

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 18:10:00 GMT

Now that Helen Mirren has been ordained (or whatever it is) as an Order(ly) of the British Empire and has met the Queen that made her super famous, she has really let herself go in interviews...

On date rape:

“I was, yes. A couple of times,” the Oscar-winning Queen actress says in the October issue, recalling her experiences being raped as a youth in London. “Not with excessive violence, or being hit, but rather being locked in a room and made to have sex against my will.”

And while Mirren defended a woman’s right to say “no” at any point, she’s not always in favor of reporting such attacks.

“I don’t think [a woman] can have that man into court under those circumstances,” she continued, “It’s such a tricky area, isn’t it? Especially if there is no violence. I mean, look at Mike Tyson. I don’t think he was a rapist.”

IMDB adds:

she didn't have the courage to stand up to men who wanted to have sex with her. [IMDB]

On her drug use:

Mirren, 63, also admits she took illegal drugs – including marijuana and LSD – as a teen. “I loved coke,” she continues. “I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties.” (She also says she hasn’t touched the drug in more than 20 years.)

“Dope always made me feel miserable and paranoid and unhappy,” she adds. “And I woke up one day and thought, ‘No more of that, thank you.’ ”

On shoplifting: she did it in her "very poor" days and still practices some of that same down-and-out lifestyle: she buys the cheapest sunglasses and cuts her own hair. Wow, can you cut ours-- yours always looks fabulous, Your Royalness.

Helen Mirren's Penchant For Nudity Wins Award That Doesn't Just Exist In Our Minds

Who's Hot For Prostitutes? Dame Helen Mirren

Sloppy Seconds: Dita Von Teese's Lesbian Porno

Cosmo and AskMen in Steel Cage Match Battle of the Sexes

This Week In Gayness: Lesbians Pick The Sexiest Woman Over 50

Scanner Highs and Lows: It's All About You, And Boobs

Cosmo and AskMen in Steel Cage Match Battle of the Sexes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 19:20:00 GMT

We'd to see a good brawl between the silly people behind Cosmopolitan and AskMen.com.

Until that $39.95 pay-per-view event, we'll settle for this war of online words, over AskMen's "Top 10 Things Only Men Can Do" (which even we're not brash enough to subject anyone to) and Cosmo's response, "21 Things Women Can Do That Guys Can't." Oooooooh! No, you didn't...

Worst Of AskMen's List: #10: Go topless. (Really, women can't? Where do you live, dude?); #9: Hold our liquor (We were at a Wilco concert last night and apparently Tim Robbins was passing out behind us.) #1: Age well. (Seen Sophia Loren lately, anyone? Or Helen Mirren, you bastards?)

Best of AskMen's List: #3: Pee standing up. (We'd like to add: pee in public, even between cars, when necessary... and sometimes even get away with it.)

Worst of Cosmo's List: #1: Get preggers. (99% of all men are glad it works out that way. Not that we don't admire you for the ability, just we we're glad the Pregnant Man thing isn't going to happen to us.) #3: Ask for directions. (Oh, when are we going to forget that false, tiresome cliche?)

Best of Cosmo's List: #2: Fake it. (Sadly, we can't have what she's having.) #6: Have multiple orgasms. (Yeah, but Viagra solves that discrepancy.) #12: Wing it on the dance floor... convincingly. (Agreed.)

Read the AskMen original and the Cosmo retaliation here.

Related:

Helen Mirren's Penchant For Nudity Wins Award That Doesn't Just Exist In Our Minds

This Week In Gayness: Lesbians Pick The Sexiest Woman Over 50

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Spiked Drink

Sloppy Seconds: Matthew Broderick And Sarah Jessica Parker On The Run?

Scanner Highs And Lows: Sweden Or Sexism?

Crush of the Week: Biker Who Protested Wal-Mart... By Taking Off Her Clothes

Five Things Women Think They Know About Men (But They're Wrong)

The 5 Hottest Men And 5 Hottest Women Of The 2008 Summer Olympics (Part Two)

This Week In Gayness: Lesbians Pick The Sexiest Woman Over 50

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:30:00 GMT

Somehow not #1, Susan Sarandon...

According to a poll of British lesbians, the sexiest woman over fifty is...

...Dame Helen Mirren, who is still hotter than a solar flare the age of 62. Mirren is followed by Susan Sarandon (61 yrs), Meryl Streep (59 yrs), Goldie Hawn (62 yrs), Dolly Parton (62), and Joan Collins (75.)

In the most disgusting story to come out of the death of Jesse Helms, Senator Elizabeth Dole, who is in a fierce battle for re-election, tried to change the name of an AIDS funding bill to include Senator Helms in the title. If you don't know why this is offensive, here's a hint: it would be like naming a bill that protects detainee rights after Alberto Gonzales.

(By the way, we were just reminded of this video, from back in 1990, of gay activists "condomizing" Jesse's house.)

John McCain avoided answering a question from the New York Times as to whether he believed an orphanage was actually better for a kid than gay parents.

Massachusetts just voted to overturn a law banning out-of-state couples from marrying there. There's sure to be a surprise JetBlue sale to Boston this weekend...

And it was announced that on July 23, the House of Representatives will revisit "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," complete with lesbian military women testimony.

The Top 10 Most Overrated Movies Of The Past 14 Years

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 19:27:00 GMT

These are not necessarily bad movies per se, although all have exceeded whatever welcome they may have earned when they were met with critical or cultural orgasms.

10. The Queen. This is one of those movies that should have been a Sunday night movie on Showtime. Great acting, uninteresting premise, not enough dramatic tension to fill an arthouse screen.

9. Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. Besides being a very poorly made film, with over-the-top acting, an irritatingly tiresome storyline (especially when having eaten pot brownies during a screening), it's also a two-hour product placement for a restaurant chain that makes worse hamburgers than Wendy's, which is a startling achievement. Just because it's funny doesn't mean it's worth watching, yo. The Wayans Brothers have a few good jokes here and there, but they still suck.

8. Forrest Gump. This is more of a backlash choice-- if it had stayed the crowd-pleasing summer blockbuster it tried to be and not robbed both Pulp Fiction and The Shawshank Redemption of a Best Picture win, it may have escaped the gallows that is this definitive list.

7. The Squid And The Whale. How the hell is it possible that an auditorium full of white Brooklynites would not recognize that kid is playing Pink Floyd's "Hey You"?

6. Gladiator. Did anyone else notice this actually ripped off two movies in the span two hours? We understand that maybe five or six people out there have never seen "Spartucus," but what's their excuse for having stolen 75% of "Braveheart"?

5. Magnolia. If a movie could be a full hour shorter and ends up being used as an example of egomaniacal filmmaking by Kevin Smith (!), you know it's time to cut, at minimum, the preachy Aimee Mann singalong... for starters.

4. Representing the number of ill-advised Oscars this movie won: Million Dollar Baby. We didn't get it. It seemed like a very well done but forgettable movie with more cliches than Rocky 10 will ever hope to cram in: the cynical manager, the token wise black Morgan Freeman type (played by, of course, Morgan Freeman), the tough-as-nails girl venting for her poor upbringing... must we go on? Again, this isn't a bad movie on any level, but in a year where "Eternal Sunshine" wasn't even nominated for Best Picture and MMB's closest competition was from a really forgettable movie called "The Aviator," there wasn't much else to go on...

3. Titantic. Leonardo DiCaprio's performance in this film is one of the worst in his career and deservedly overlooked for a nomination.

2. Juno. This movie is so annoying it even made us hate the Moldy Peaches, which is very upsetting.

1. Crash. Where do we start with this one? Apparently, every single person in Los Angeles says the "N" word in every sentence. Matt Dillon somehow escaped unscathed.

Coming up: Scanner Bryan's list.

Scanner Emily's: "'The Sixth Sense'—everyone built up the end so much that by the time I saw it I was like, "Oh, that's it? He's dead? Big Whoop."

[Senor DobleV helped with this post-- thanks to him and to Scanner Bryan and Scanner Emily for their additional lists.]

Who's Hot For Prostitutes? Dame Helen Mirren

Katie Halper — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 15:30:00 GMT

After the Spitzer bust, we blogged about our Deep "That's What SHE Said" Thoughts On... Spitzer and became the first people in the world to ever advocate legalizing prostitution. Turns out, Helen Mirren agrees. And she should know-- because she ran a legal brothel.

In the upcoming film Love Ranch, based-on-a-true-story, Mirren stars as Sally Conforte, the owner of the Mustang Ranch, Nevada's first legal brothel. Joe Pesci plays Joe Conforte, Sally's husband and partner in non-crime; and Taylor Hackford, Helen's real life husband, directs, providing some hot husband-on-wife direction. Helen recently said:

I definitely think legal prostitution is the way to go, given the awful, horrendous trafficking of women and the danger of girls being out on the street, so vulnerable to pimps and 'johns' In a legal brothel, they're licensed, they're protected, and the men who use them are protected because they know the girls have to be medically checked every week.

We can't find a hole in that argument. Can you?

Sloppy Seconds: Dita Von Teese's Lesbian Porno

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 21:20:00 GMT

Helen Mirren was on Conan last night talking about the time she almost got to perform with one of rock's greatest stars, now long gone.

"I heard this incredible crashing and banging coming from the ally where the stage door is. [T]his completely drunken guy was climbing out of a trash can, covered in trash and with a pin-striped suit on. A complete madman. Then I heard the crashing and banging coming through the stage door, and up the stairs..."

"I opened the door and it was Keith Moon. He said, 'Hello darling, I hear you're wonderful in this play.' I said, 'It's nice to meet you, but I have to go onstage now.' He said, 'That's all right, I'll come with you. I'll come and play in your band.' I'm so idiotic. I said, 'No, you can't.'

"One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't play on stage with Keith Moon." [Starpulse; and why Keith Moon was the greatest rock star ever]

Rush Limbaugh thinks Hillary's fan base is mainly feminists, defined as women who have had "two or three abortions" and as many divorces.

Speaking of terrorists like Rush Limbaugh, did you remember to submit to "Ask Al Qaeda"?

Maybe someone should ask Zawarhi if he's as excited as we are by the Jim Carrey-Ewan McGregor prison romance film. Hopefully, it's, um, not going to be a remake of "Midnight Express."

Dita Von Teese's instantly legendary lesbian porno, which apparently may get her dropped as the new spokesperson for Wonderbra, is circulating on the 'net. Above is a censored screenshot, and below the NSFW reverse angle. Again, no embed-able vids have surfaced, but click here for an external site that features it.

Scanner Highs and Lows: It's All About You, And Boobs

Emily Farris — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 22:13:00 GMT

We like to think that in addition to showing you pictures of boobs, we're doing a public service here at Scanner. We want you to get dates and have sex and look at great pictures... of many things.

Highs:

The UCLA Undie Run, of course.

Helen Mirren "promotes healthy nudity." Yes she does.

We found out you'd rather watch Kristen Davis' sex tape than Lindsay Lohan's.

And you'd probably still do Jamie Lee Curtis, even at 50.

Scanner Emily found her reason for living. And yes, it has a beard.

We learned what angels sound like when they masturbate.

We learned we're pretty great at Photoshopping. Don't you think?

We want you to draw pictures of prostitutes.

We tried to help Internet geeks get women in the real world, too.

We found out we might be totally normal for liking to sniff our partners' underarms.

Lows:

We experienced some weddings from Hell.

We don't really dig Miss Bimbo. Which probably makes us feminazis.

We admitted to loving Julia Allison and "Men in Trees."

We're a little ashamed that these kids who celebrated the end of their term with a giant orgy are our heroes.

Live Links commercial: a low for Evangeline Lilly, a high for those of us hating on Kate right now.

South Park just didn't come through with the boobage.

They did, however, kill Britney Spears. And we laughed at it.

Amy Winehouse's face scared us. Almost as much as this baby doll did.

Image via pacificdave.com

Helen Mirren's Penchant For Nudity Wins Award That Doesn't Just Exist In Our Minds

Bryan Christian — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 18:01:00 GMT

Dame of our hearts-slash-loins Helen Mirren has just been awarded what we're pretty sure is the most deeply earned honor in her stellar career.

Helen, 62, has now been voted No 1 showbiz personality for "promoting healthy nudity" by the USA Naturist Society.
The Society's Nicky Hoffman said: "Nude is not lewd, it is beautiful. Helen is actually a naturist and goes nude sunbathing."

Actually, we didn't win anything here -- despite the fact that we are, currently, stark naked -- but we'd nonetheless like to take this opportunity to thank the USA Naturist Society for giving Mirror.co.uk a reason to reveal the exact size of The Queen's jewels. Curious? Click through for the answer and a special photovisual retrospective of the physical attributes that Mirren is being honored for letting free.

Helen Mirren's measurements are: 38C-26-37

Sounds about right...

And how about a few that aren't so nudie but still remind us of what Helen's got underneath those smart outfits.

The Sextape There's, Like, a 2 in 5 Chance We Want to See

Bryan Christian — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 16:30:00 GMT

Maybe Sunday or Monday, you guys heard about this whole "somebody tried to blackmail the royal family" story, and were eagerly awaiting cocaine- and sextape-laden updates throughout the week? We sure were. And what did we get? Nothing. Nada. Bupkis. In fact, there's so little evidence of the story ever even existing, we're wondering if Dr. Mierzwiak hasn't been fumbling around with our lobes a little. (We know: British H.R.H.'s get all sorts of cool perks, like anonymity in the press and other things that could kill a story like this. But still!)

So, in the interest of posterity, be sure and check out the above article, and here's the original from which it's based. Also, for novelty's sake, here are Google caches of two polls (1, 2) on the NY Post's website which ask "Which Royal made the tape?" Of particular note is the absence on the list of possibilities of Prince Andrew aka Randy Andy, who's apparently had a bit of a reputation for some time, but didn't make the cut. Also of note: looks like they eventually decided to take The Queen off the list of possible culprits. Which we're guessing is less a matter of regret or external pressure and more their realizing: who needs an Elizabeth II sextape when Helen Mirren's still around?